Tag Archives: words

A message to WE that do evil

There are creatures in this world that never let sleeping dogs lie

They won’t let this chameleon change their colours

Why?

Because they won’t change

So they see – that I will always and forever be me

They don’t care if I have learned a lesson

Because to them I need impression

I need to be like them you see

Because they really need me to be

They don’t care if I am better

They don’t care if I am in fetters

They don’t care if my way is pure

They send my way more to endure

Life is hard as it is

Caring for home and raising kids

But to them – you see grudges are deep

They’ve allowed their evil ego to seep

It is rotting away into their soul’s core, what for?

So they can boost their ego more?

So that they can avoid Hell’s door?

But it just puts you closer even more

You don’t see it because you’re blind

Blind to the words you’ve spoke unkind

Blind to the evil you have caused

Please reflect, sit and pause

It’s been more than a decade you declared this war and fed the demons you abhor

You are mangled and twisted deep

Because of the vows you chose to keep

The vows of evil, not of love

The opposite of what you’ve talked of

You are not the cure you are the cause

You are the one who screams the clause

You should know what it is you do

But your mind is muddled, you have no clue

It is scary to think that you don’t know

That when you die, it’s a dark place you’ll go

I was your lesson

I was your test

You failed with me and the rest

You can’t keep doing what you do

Because it will get the better of you

You think you’re safe, wrapped in gods arms

But he saw what you do, all the pain and harm

Though you’ve misinterpreted him as well

You’ve created it yourself, your Hell

Hell doesn’t exist you know, it’s true…

But you won’t believe it, none of you…

Now I am not an atheist, but you won’t agree

This is why your war will never set you free

You believe things I haven’t done

This is why you all are dumb

You’ve made assumptions about my life, because of words I’ve said

Then bought me strife

You thought yourself clever to read between the lines

But in the end the words you read, were not mine

You translated wrong all those things

And like a swarm of hornets you sting and sting

Don’t think you are cleverer than you are

Don’t try to stand up and be a star

For you are wrong and you have cursed me

This is why you won’t be free

You are an evil thing you know

But I am willing to let it go

But I know you wont

You never will

You keep on in this world, doing ill

Until… ?

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Feb 1st 2022 update

I kept my promise, despite having an ear and headache to keeping to my plans that from the first of February this year, I will write a minimum of 1k words per day towards one set novel, rather than a bunch of them; because I am trying to live by “The One Thing” principle for a while to see how much of a difference it would make to my productivity as a writer.

Today I have written 1354 words towards the dragon fantasy novel, but instead of working for two solid hours like I had planned, I felt in order to prevent burn out – I would stop any time after 1k words if I felt I am getting bored or tired of being in this writing position.  Therefore I wrote 1354 words in just one hour and twenty minutes, with a ten minute toilet break in that, so it wasn’t completely tied to the chair.

I have moved in a different direction with this dragon story, focusing more on character development and even added a drama scene in there, which is not something I am known for.

But to me, it works and has made a vast improvement to the plot in general.  I feel this story has a firmer future than before because of it and it has given me more freedom to give the characters a future in other potential books.  With that being said, this is going to written as a standalone; in case the publishers feel that there shouldn’t be an extension to this story.

Basically what I am trying to say is, this story is going to be more complete by the time I have finished it, without any questions needing answering if the publisher decides that this book should not be a series.

Also, I have noticed that my chapters are shorter than usual because I have learned to condense down a lot over the past few months, which means that the size of the book I am writing will not be epic as I used to fear.

This has not affected the quality of the book negatively, but has improved it tremendously.

I do realise, even now, that there will be another draft, even though this is supposed to be the final draft, because after I had written the previous chapter, I realised there was a certain element I forgot to include in the story, a build-up, the tension was short, the backstory almost non-existent, this will just mean when I have finished this draft entirely  in a few weeks’ time, that I will need to add around three pages to make up for the little bits I missed out.

But I am making notes after I have written towards the draft, so I am not distracted from the writing process – this is another thing that is new to the way that I work on my novels.

I am still keeping a spreadsheet on how many words and minutes I write per day, this is excellent in showing me just how much I actually do, do.

I guessed at the end of January that I wrote around 5 to 8k and only for around ten days of the month, but as it turned out, I realised going back to the spreadsheet that I wrote 36k words all told and wrote for fourteen days throughout the month.

Much more than I realised, it is a confidence booster, it also shows me that there was a time where I thought I didn’t write for two days last month but it was actually five solid days where I didn’t even type one word!

It is a real eye opener!

So, with that being said, I will keep you updated day to day as I am writing.  But remember, I have Fridays and Saturdays as my weekend, where I do not intend to write anything and I have scheduled in holidays where I allow myself the time off from writing altogether, unless I feel otherwise.  My first holiday from writing will be the last week of February, because this is the time Henry has time off from school and I would like to dedicate my time to him.

Happy reading everyone!

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Formatting my life

I have concocted a plan (it is not a resolution for the New Year, I never go in for that sort of commitment each year, it can be demoralising at times), but the plan is a sort of schedule of a kind of commitment to my writing; specific writing, not just any old writing – this is a new technique I am starting as from the 1st February 2022.

From the 1st of February 2022 I will allocate Friday and Saturday as a weekend for me, as those days work best as a weekend for me than any other day, because those are my busiest family and shopping days, when I could get out and about.  I have also allocated the time slot between Sunday and Thursday where I know I am least likely to be interrupted by the household on a day to day basis, which is 1pm to 3pm.  This 1pm to 3pm time slot is my time block for working solely on one specific novel only.

I have chosen to write a minimum of 1k words during this time per day, with the goal to finish 5k words in one week and 20k words in one month.  If I do not manage to write 1k in two hours of writing (which will be very unlikely), then I will work over that time until I do!

Normally, when I set out to write my stories, I tend to write an average of 500 to 750 words every fifteen minutes, if the story has been rigorous planned beforehand.

By forcing myself to use the regular time slot of 1 to 3pm each day, I hope to eventually build a habit, where my mind will trick itself into focusing on one single project at that particular time of the day and therefore I should become more productive.

I am doing this because I would like to be the sort of author that can finish at least three books per year.  I have always worked best with a schedule and deadline and unfortunately Paul is not very good at keeping to timetables and so forth, so he is not the person who will help push me… I have to learn to figure it out for myself until I develop professional relationships that will do that for me eventually.

I have pinned messages on walls around the house to remind me on what I should be focusing on.  All of this was advice from a book I borrowed from the local library called “The One Thing” by Gary Keller; the messages I have pinned around the house are “UNTIL MY WRITING IS DONE… EVERYTHING ELSE IS A DISTRACTION!” and I have also made another message which says “1K WORDS PER DAY IS 5 BOOKS A YEAR”!

1k words per day are very doable, but it wasn’t focused on anything in particular. 

I spent the whole of January trying to figure out my writing habits and typing them up on a spreadsheet to see what projects and things I am likely to write day to day, how many words per project I do each time and how long each time I spend writing towards them;  The spreadsheet was a revelation.

I spread myself around nine different projects and most of those projects are years old!  I write an average of 1500 words per subject and approximately 90 minutes per day.  However, I mostly focus on future blog writing, diary entries, journal entries and research notes, more than I do my actual novel writing.  Using a pie chart, I learned that the average time I spent adding towards a novel was around 20 minutes every 3 days and just under 1500 words each time.  In other words, I spent a lot of my writing time, not writing towards stories, but just playing around with ideas.

I felt there has to be a change in order for me to become productive.

As from the 1st February 2022 I will use the time slot of 1pm to 3pm to write towards one specific project daily until it is complete, then I will store it away for six weeks and look at it with fresh eyes to edit.  But during the maturing process as I will call it, I will immediately start on a new piece of work and so on and so on.

Any research papers, journaling, diary entries and blogging must be done outside of the hours of 1pm and 3pm, or else things will never change.

During writing the story, I will not interject ideas into the story as I am doing the first drafts either, it should be following the direction of the plan that I have laid out beforehand.  If my brain does another direction, then so be it, but it must be written like it is intended to be the final draft, though it won’t be.

I feel this is how I am going to get things done.

I am so dedicated to this new system starting on the 1st February, that I am not even making myself feel bad about not completing anything right now.  I seeing it as a sort of holiday – Paul thinks I need to do this too, he felt that I needed to have days off and I was always very angry at the idea of that – primarily because my imagination has never had a day off in its entire existence.  But I think, doing the actual work, does need to have days where I can allow myself time to relax from it.

I have made a holiday schedule for myself of days I won’t force myself to write at all, those weekend days, Friday and Saturday, but also bigger blocks of time where I can guiltlessly do other things if I want to.  I have allowed myself time blocks for Henry’s school holidays and other days in the year which are typically busy for me, though the six weeks summer holiday I have only blocked out three weeks, because I feel six weeks is just too long a time.

I can write if I want to, outside of those hours, but I am not going to be unkind to myself if I don’t!

I know all told I have blocked out 136 days a year, more than anyone would in normal jobs, but I do know that I push myself when I know I am expected to and I know I tend to do so much all at once that I easily burn out. 

I don’t know if any of you remember that a few years ago, I think it was 2017, not sure, that I did NaNoWriMo and I did 60k words by the 19th November and I completely wore myself out creatively for over two years because of it.  I came to the computer with dread of revisiting the project and writing any novel at all.  It was a really hard hurdle to get over.

I can’t go there again.

But I do know, at my writing speed and rigorous planning habit, that I will be able to produce three books per year by doing this new method.

I never said it is going to be easy, but I do know my limitations and I understand that keeping to two hours per day will be a doddle for me.  But, I do know this is not a perfect world and most of my hospital appointments are usually around 12 to 2pm, on those particular days I will have to force myself to do my 2 hours later in the day or try to reschedule the appointments.

Happy reading everyone!

P.S I know I said 1k per day is 5 books per year, but my aim is only 3 and I won’t be working every single one of the 365 days of the year!

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A sleepy explanation

I have many projects on the go at once and so this category will get full quite quickly!

I tend to concentrate on up to three ideas at a time for bursts of up to one month, but I do still add to other projects outside of this.  I have a huge amount of unfinished ideas and some that are finished but are in storage for a later date when I will read them again with fresh eyes and determine if they need altering or not!

If a project is marked down as 1.2 or something like that, this means that this project is part of a series I am working on, I have some series I am working on but generally I prefer writing standalones.

My vampires are considered both series and standalones, because some vampire ideas are far removed from my main series or rather saga idea in the first place.

I am updating my categories along with my diary entries for Wednesdays that will start back up again, because I am determined to show people how much I do actually work towards my creativity, regardless of finished products!

To me it is lovely to have a final finished product that I can show an agent eventually, but right now that is neither my primary goal nor motivation!

My goal is to get into the swing of writing full-time – a set amount of words daily to a fixed project in order for me to feel like a real professional author.  To me that goal is to have one project that has had at least 3k words added per day consistently and not to write just a little each day to many projects.  Though added words per day to many projects is something I will never get out of, it is the focus on one particular project having 3k words per day that is my intended focus!

If you follow my drift?

I am exceedingly tired today so I may not make that much sense, because I didn’t sleep until 5am and I only had four hours of disturbed sleep and no access to caffeine for the past thirty hours!

So to break it down, my primary goal is to focus on adding 3k words to one story per day until it is finished without breaking that streak!  Once I manage to do this and finish a novel without breaking my daily streak, then I will feel like a professional author!

Though if I never accomplish that, do not fear – because this is has no basis on whether or not I approach an agent or a publisher first, no, no, no!  I will still do that, but I will not feel confident in my professionalism that is all!

Another thing that will add to me feeling professional will be the day I am actually writing 3k words to a project in an unbroken streak and also editing another finished project by at least three chapters per day – I am serious when I say I am trying to become full-time here!

Before the 11th November 2021 I would work approximately six hours per week towards my writing, that wasn’t my blog!  Since November 11th 2021, I am now writing or working towards my projects approximately four hours per day, broken up, so it is not full-time yet, to me!

I am forcing myself to do this, even when bed bound sick, I am taking work with me on the laptop in bed and with handwritten notes too!

I am determined to do this!

I think it is because my brain is so filled with so many ideas and unfinished projects that it is starting to taunt me, make me crazy a bit – so I need to get on with it!

I actually had a dream last night that various characters from my own stories were mocking and laughing at me because of my excuses, this was weird shit and I just don’t have time for that kind of thing in my dream time!

By and large this post was meant to tell you that I have so many ideas on the go and I do not struggle for ideas at all – but I am beating them off with a stick and I would like to share what those stories may contain without giving too much away! 

If you find an idea you like, let me know, it will really help to motivate me more to write it, if I feel someone out there likes the sound of it!

I will write it anyway, but at a slower pace, you have no idea how fast I can work when I feel like someone is waiting for it or there is a deadline set by someone outside of myself!

Honestly, I am a workaholic, especially if I know that my work pleases another!

I know I sound needy right now, but I am being honest, I work best when other people’s expectations are higher than my own regarding my work, I am like this in everything in my life!

As I think I have mentioned before, I live for others, I don’t live for myself!

Happy reading everyone!

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Character development and Nanowrimo

NaNoWriMo has changed a lot from what I remember it to be like, updating words per day seems more confusing to me and I can’t figure out how to talk to people on there anymore!

I am not as active on there as I want to be because of it, I am not very technologically minded at the best of times, in fact I can be quite dumb regarding new-fangled technological stuff – I am not doing NaNoWriMo now, I have given up.  Though I am still writing the book I set for the project, as well as a couple of other stories too.

I can’t focus on just one thing; it makes me less productive if I am being honest!

Just trying to focus on the one novel for the past ten days has meant I have written on average eleven thousand words less than I would usually in a writing week!  The goal was to increase my writing output and it didn’t do that, but stifled it a bit.

I do much better writing fifteen hundred words a day towards three different projects at once, where my word output is approximately five thousand a day in total.

I have said it before and no doubt I will say it again, I have problems with my attention span, I get easily bored no matter how much I love something and if I have to focus on something more than forty five minutes at a time, then I need to multi-task to get through it!

I am often found making notes and reading a book whilst watching movies for example, it’s no disrespect to the movies I am watching, but I tend to drift off into deep imagination when I watch a movie that is too long and slow paced that I don’t get to see or hear much of it at all – but when I multi-task I am still conscious of the movie. 

I think this is why I love horrors, comedy and action movies the most.

I know it sounds strange to admit this, but I also use movies as research for my writing, research on how a character is developed on screen and their stances, the way that they talk etc.  It helps me write, because I have lived a very isolated life.  I think I wouldn’t be the writer I am today if it weren’t for movies and television.

I would be absolutely clueless about humanity without television and I know that television isn’t a substitute for reality by any means, but it does help those who don’t get out much!

I think it is because I study the movies that I watch, that I am able to create realistic characters and imagery.

There is a YouTube channel I love called “Just an observation” where they study character development in movies and the development of individual actors throughout their careers.  It is something I like to watch to help me build realistic characters and Henry likes to watch some of the videos too, because he has had some interest in becoming an actor, though saying that he has actively turned down audition invites for Matilda twice!

I will apologise right now about how messy my blog is becoming as I am sure some words are put into confusing contexts at times and I may not make sense or I am confusing the spelling of certain words – I am under investigation for a serious neurological condition to get to the bottom of this, if you see anything in my blog that doesn’t make sense or a word used that doesn’t make the sentence seem to make sense, please let me know as this is something I have been struggling with increasingly – it is not something that I am used to and it is worrying me a lot!

I know it is not your job to do this, but I may have missed somethings which my brain may have seen as perfectly normal! 

Happy reading everybody!

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New system

All year I had been planning to do NaNoWriMo, the one for July, but that was cancelled due to the loss of my computer desk and sickness, then the one happening tomorrow – but I have changed my mind.

I remember that on two occasions I have participated in NaNoWriMo only to burn out by the twentieth because I felt I wasn’t as good as other writers who had already proclaimed that they have finished their novels and were now in the editing process.  By the way – don’t be perturbed by this, as I eventually learned that a majority of writers, who do this, have had words in progress long before NaNoWriMo even started!

I have a handful of writer friends online who started two weeks ago on their projects and one of them even started in the second week of September!

I find writing hard these days because I am not alone anymore when writing; I have no personal private, quiet space.  I have to write around my family and their noises and demands in very cramped conditions!  My work, both art and writing is spread in many parts of the house, because we lack space and there isn’t much cooperation in helping me get a larger space to put everything into, just so I can work like how I used to.

I am also doing all of this with very bad health, bed bound for at least four or five months of the year, so I don’t even have the comfort of my desk at times!

I used to write thousands of words per day, for my stories, poems, songs and a huge amount of online articles that were published daily on various websites!  There were times that Paul remembered me doing 12k in total in an entire day, he used to laugh and call me his future wife Barbara Cartland!

Regardless of my health, I could still produce that amount of work per day, if I did not constantly have to move around the house getting notes and using things in different locations all the while, whilst fighting to get to the places through mess and dodging fidgeters who are constantly on the move around the house! 

I have copious notes for each project and used to have postcard snippets to help too, but I have no table space to see them all at once, so I have to try and look at things by hand and put them back into places all the time so they are not lost!  This is difficult for another reason too, because I have a badly deformed underperforming left hand!  It is amazing that I am able to type 60 to 80wpm with that disability!

Before I lived in these conditions, I had half an entire room, the size of 10ft by 15ft and an L shaped desk that took up two whole walls.  I could use my swivel chair to slide from side to side and have up to twenty sheets of paper out or one hundred postcards, to constantly view whilst working, as well as having two large corkboards on the wall around me!  With this, I had total privacy and control over all stimuli that surrounded me!

I could still have that here in this house, but there are two rooms that are unused purely because we have a leaking roof and rising damp in them so it is not comfortable nor safe for electrics and paper!

We simply can’t move there is no option but to stay here because the cost of the house in such conditions would mean we would need to move thirty miles or more away from this village and Paul’s family and entirely out of our county, in order to buy a property of a similar size!  Henry has a three hundred year ancestry in this village, he is not eager to break it.

The roof will cost 5k to fix approximately, once it is fixed, I will gain two rooms and one of those rooms could have a C shaped desk set up that is even bigger than my previous set up.  So eventually, I will have what I need again and more.

Instead of doing NaNoWriMo this year, I plan to write differently.  A new way, in my tight noisy space, that will help me get less noise and more words done in a day, rather than sparse times in a month. 

My new plans are to write for ninety minutes before Henry comes home from school and ninety minutes on my laptop in bed when everybody is asleep.

By doing this, I will be producing an average of three to seven thousand words per day as an average, because my average fifteen minute timer says when I have planned words I can produce up to eight hundred words and on a bad day that is unplanned five hundred words. 

At the moment I am able to squeeze in twenty minutes around three times a week without hand notes, in between family quiet time or when Henry is in the bath or whatever.

Given the right environment I was very productive and proactive and very addicted to my work and was never tired nor burned out by it!

Happy reading!

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Filed under About my work

Ode to plagarism

Did you need to be so obvious?

Did you need to shine so bright?

Did you know that the world knows too?

Do you feel you need to set things right?

You stole the words from my mouth and pen

Will you do it again?

The whole world knows what it is you do

Don’t you know what they think of you?

Why steal the light from others so?

Why not find your own path?

Why don’t you sit down and think more?

Why don’t you play and have a laugh?

I feel sorry for you

Your life must be so sad

Why did you need to steal from others so?

Why did you need to be so bad?

I hope and pray for you every night

That the demons you will fight

That your uniqueness will shine right through

Because you are not afraid of you!

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Why is kindness such a hated thing?

Why are people uncomfortable with good and kind words?

If you say you think they’re pretty they think you quite absurd!

It’s not normal to be so honest and open about all things

To have a child’s innocence as an adult and to say and do good things

You are mad say the onlookers

You are strange say them all

Suspicious eyes glare at you

It is not normal!

You are beautiful says the woman to a lady who served coffee

I’m not gay says the woman and moves away uncomfortably

Neither am I, thinks the woman who is confused by the mood

Was stating this fact to the waitress really so weird and so rude?

I can never understand a world where goodness is almost banned

But not by corrupt politicians, by society and its bland!

How can hurt people heal their wounds if no one accepts kind words?

If people only listen that they instead are turds?

Why is kindness so frowned upon, in a world that needs it most?

I am confused by society when kind people live like ghosts

How can anyone see heaven if they keep themselves in Hell?

Just because they can’t bare kindness, they fear the tricksters spell!

It is stupid and it is deranged to me how billions live this way

It is stupid and it is vile that honesty can’t be displayed

Why is such kindness a hated rotten thing?

It beats me every day to know

I can’t speak of truthful things because people just don’t want to know!

They’d rather you ignore them, than praise them for anything

They react so badly, when their praises you sing makes you feel you’ve done something bad to them, that your kind words to them have sting

Why is the world a positive shunner?  Why is negative so normal?

I don’t think I could ever understand a world that wallows in their toils

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Update 16th March 2021

I have managed to do around 5k words this week despite not updating on Sunday, sorry about that!  But I have had a really bad week and it is getting a bit worse for me, the migraines I usually get seem to be doubled over on top of the chest infection, so this is just a quick update.

Once again, sorry for delays!

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My week of writing 3

Words towards blog posts posted and scheduled – 1814

Words towards novels – 15418

Words towards plans for novels – 462

Words towards poetry or songs – 38

Words towards essays – 1674

Words towards other – 4670

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Filed under About my work