Tag Archives: UK

What is summer?

I guess I am boring, but summer is my least favourite season of the year, I don’t like it when it’s too hot and too hot for me is anything over 25c/77f I think it’s because warm air is really bad for my asthma and I don’t like sweating outside of my control!

The big positive about summer though is it’s really nice to my arthritis; I have less pain in summer and I am more likely to be active in temperatures of 17c to 24c which is around 62 to 75f.  Paul thinks I was born for Hawaiian or Californian climates, but meh – I don’t think so, too dry?  I love my woodlands and would miss seeing moss and oaks and things like that – but it’s tempting knowing I’d be in less pain!

Paul nearly got us to move to Seattle a few years back as he was nearly offered a job there, but he refused on grounds that Henry wanted to stay at his current school; if Henry had taken the idea of trusting what we wanted, we’d be migrating back to the UK around now, because Paul is of retirement age and Henry would probably of had a slight American accent – he’d have been there from 7yrs old to now 12yrs old.

Summer is nice for park walks and beaches if it’s not too hot, but the best thing for me about the summer is the fact that watermelon and berries are abundant – I can live on watermelon alone during the summer if I could!

Another good thing about summer is ice-play in the bedroom, but I have had boring and wimpy exes that run from those ideas – well all but one ex and funnily enough it was another woman – no men seem to like the idea of ice!

I like the summer rain, warm with scatterings of rainbows and going for walks in it if it’s light.

Gardening has to be done in the very early morning or late at night around half an hour before twilight or it will kill you if it’s over 24c/75f.

People are happier in the summer, which is a bonus, but I hate how crowded places in nature can get during this time of year – I go out in nature to be at one and in solitude with it, but in the summer it’s hard to find a place without other people!

Midsummer used to mean parties for me, as Midsummers night is special here as a solstice, but also a couple of days later is a joint birthday between my dad and my brother and there was always a big family celebration about it!  A huge BBQ and what have you.

I love BBQs.

Another one of my favourite things is going to pick your own farms, especially the strawberry fields! I don’t think summer has happened unless I’ve gone to one of those and I love garden centres and nursery shopping!

I have always wanted to partake in country fairs, but never had the opportunity really to.

But summer is not my favourite season; this is probably why this entry is short! 

I like swimming in warm waters and tend to be even more of a water baby on really hot summer’s days because I think I am half Piscean or something – lol – well I know I am a Pisces ascendant in any case!

I am not the kind of person who sun bathes, I’m a bit of a vampire really, a true mythological mermaid!

Thanks for reading!

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What is autumn?

What does autumn mean to me?

Beautiful colourful crispy leaves flying through the air, if you catch one a wish will be granted according to legend, or you win a day’s luck per leaf you catch!

It means harvest time where all your hard work in the garden really pays off, rewarding you with sunflowers and pretty gourds, squashes and pumpkins to decorate your home with for Halloween.

Halloween, I love Halloween – I love dressing up, roleplaying, planning things for trick-or-treaters or planning parties when we were fortunate enough to be able to afford to do so.  I love decorating the house for Halloween and planning themes, doing weird party foods with weird twists, but the thing is, sometimes I can go too far that the guests decline to eat things.

I suppose raspberry jelly filled gloves to look like a bloodied hand and frankfurters cut to look like fingers covered in ketchup is a bit too much for the human psyche?

Let alone the stuffed Jack-O-Lantern orange bell peppers with spaghetti Bolognese inside of them looking like some kind of zombie freak meal.

I love horror, can you tell?

I love grossing people out too, love, love, love playing to people’s fears when they are spooked out at this season… am I evil for admitting that kind of joy?

I am the kind of person who knows that someone who is sensitive to horror movies, just watched a movie and I creep around ready to pounce when they least expect it – yes, I have a mischievous side, a very impish side!

I am not like that with children though, I don’t like traumatising kids, usually I end up making plans to do things like this with the kids on sensitive adults – but that depends entirely on the integrity and the bravery of each child!  I am a bad influence sometimes!

Halloween is more fun with kids, because kids make things more light-hearted and sometimes they can influence me in becoming grosser for next year!

Kids are sickos at heart!

What’s so funny is, I always regret what I do – why?  Because I am probably the jumpiest person anyone knows, I am easily spooked!

The start of autumn is my birthday and I don’t have very many happy memories about birthdays because I hate to sound tragic, but I am easily forgotten or pushed aside for a couple of weeks because my birthday is apparently too inconvenient usually.  3rd of October is apparently a difficult date, I suppose I know why – growing up in a family where four of the major family matriarchs have their birthdays between 15th September to 24th September, everyone is spent up!

I like watching the children playing with the leaves on the spinney (a little copse island that sits in the middle of our street, separating my side of the road from the other side of the road by two rows of trees with a path in the middle of it).  The children here aren’t like the ones in London who won’t touch the leaves through fear of bird poop or bugs – here the children will gather all the leaves they can in a pile and sit inside of them making huge and very competitive nests for themselves!  At the end of the day, some of the children take all the leaves home to deliver to their gardening parents for next year’s leaf mould fertiliser.

Autumn can sometimes be scary, very scary; for me anyway – I have a huge fear of windstorms in particular, because of a few incidences that happened to me as a child where I got injured or nearly killed.  Thunderstorms are ok, I like thunderstorms, but windstorms scare the Hell out of me!

It is really hard to make me function properly if there is a bad windstorm, I don’t like going out in them at all.

Thunderstorms though, I am a bit of a storm chaser with those, love taking videos of them and watching them and I have to hold myself back from going out in them!

Though I am scared of windstorms or hurricane backlashes, I don’t have the same fear for tornadoes, I’ve seen and experienced them – yes even here in the UK, they are more common here than you think – in fact it is estimated the UK get about three hundred per year, though they generally are small, some have been known to rip streets apart.

I remember my mother sitting on a hammock with a neighbour I didn’t like and a small one around the size of a big football man ripped right through the garden behind them, knocking them off the hammock and lifting the hammock up into the air and landing half on the fence behind them!

I was glad I was twenty feet away watering my mum’s flowers at the time, no one was injured – but I had never seen my neighbour move so fast before!

Autumn is generally my favourite season of them all – I am very much an autumn person.

Thanks for reading!

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Old bucket list

I found one of my old Bucket List Note Books today, some things I have put in there I have completely forgotten about – which is one of the reasons why I put them in there in the first place, because I was afraid I’d forget about them.  In particular places I’ve seen on TV or in magazines that look interesting to go to.

I haven’t dreamt big for a long time, these are things I thought were attainable within 5 to 10yrs, but after our money cutbacks and the UK’s heat or eat crisis, even half of these look like a never thing now.

Over the past 13yrs I’ve seen our weekly budget cut like this £200 a week, £120, £80, £50, £40 we can’t survive another cut, which is predicted by the government in the UK in February 2023.

Such as going to Efteling theme park in Amsterdam in a place called Kaalsheuval – would never have remembered that in a million years!  I haven’t seen it advertised since the program I watched in 2018 showing it!

I may or may not ever do this – get a tattoo of a specific design I have in mind of a raven on my upper left shoulder or shoulder blade.

Grow the meconopsis (Himalayan blue poppy) from seed successfully, they are notoriously hard to grow and I have failed twice so far – but I may not grow it after all.

Go Christmas shopping in New York, that’s been on my bucket list since I was 8yrs old, only when I was 8yrs old I didn’t know what a bucket list was!

Go to New York’s Serendipity 3 and order their famous Opulent Sundae.

Go to Ireland, particular the areas Cork, Leinster and Roscommon, where some of the Irish ancestors came from – for example, one set of my ancestors was a Duke of Leinster (via a 6x great grandmother’s maiden name FitzGerald) and my great grandpa came from Roscommon.

Go to a huge water park, I love water parks – I haven’t been to one since I was 10yrs old, one of my cousins used to take me annually from 4yrs old till I was 10yrs old but then it stopped when she moved too far.  I only like the kind of water parks that let adults on the slides too!  I am a big kid!

Take Henry to the London Dungeons with me, I love that place!

Grow a Japanese acer, they’re so pretty!

Grow a cherry tree from seed to harvest!

Publish a novel.

Get a huge house with 4+ acres of land!  Actually I think the acreage is too small now, I have bigger plans for the garden and making a sustainable food forest type home with some animals like goats etc.  So now my minimal acreage is around 10 acres now.

Make my art project Kabbalah – it’s a woodwork project I have in mind based on the Kabbalah!

Make mosaic planters.

Home make my own garden paving slabs!

Create a large swimming pond, not pool, pond, I want it to be natural… I also want a proper pool too, but there you go.  Hey, I was a kid who loved catching frogs and caring for frog spawn, what do you expect?

Build a rockery/alpine garden.

Go to the Chelsea flower show.

Go to Crufts as a competitor with my dogs… I want to do best of breed but also agility and fly ball at some stage.

Breed a pair of dogs and keep their bloodline for generations, 1 pup from each generation.

Take a cruise on the river Danube.

Have a minimum of 5 children – still wanting that!  I have 1 so far, I need 4 more or I will get grumpy.

Go to the Jurassic coast and look for fossils and amber and generally do some rock pooling or something.

Go to Whipsnade zoo with Henry.

Own some chickens – buff Orpington’s.

Own some goats.

Make an insect hotel.

Go camping with my family.

Go to the Natural History museum with Henry.

Go to the science museum with Henry.

Go to a musical theatre with Henry.

Go to the London aquarium with Henry.

Go on the London Eye.

Go into the tower of London.

Touch a real live, raven.

Have a 6ft aquarium again and decorate it myself.

Build a large hamster city.

Grow Hollyhocks from seed.

Grow and harvest several gourd varieties at once for an excellent autumn photo shoot!

Get a GCSE in math.

Go to a fetish club, never actually been to one, Paul has promised over the years but never got around to it.

Go to a jazz club.

Go to a cocktail bar.

Go to an Italian restaurant that isn’t run by my family!

Go to France and buy macarons.

Go to Hungary and eat proper goulash in a restaurant – I know how to make it, but I want the real stuff!

Make ratatouille for my family.

Home make vegetable soup for Henry – he’s never had it as we could never afford to make it since he was 3yrs old.

Home make onion soup for someone again

Get my ears pierced again as my mother did a bodge job when I was 5!

Go to the day of the dead celebrations.

Go to the Notting Hill carnival.

Go to Mardi Gras.

Grow oyster mushrooms

Make Barbie clothes for a little girl’s doll – preferably a daughter.

Get Cubase back

Compose and sell my own music and lyrics

Make a close circle of Bohemian friends.

Go to Rutland garden centre

Have a jewellery vault like Scrooge McDuck and sit in there like a guarding dragon!  Yes, I know materialism is a bad fantasy, but I’ve always wanted this since I was a kid and I saw Scrooge McDuck and then I saw dragons guarding hoards of treasure and I like magpies and I like shinies…  But knowing me it will all be what my gran calls “a lot of your cheap costume jewellery crap”!  But it makes you feel like you have a big hoard!  They are still shiny, even if they are mostly fake, no?  Another thing about this is, I care for jewellery – so I am hardly going to throw it on the floor of the vault and swim on it.  In any case, they’d be in glass boxes and easily visible in good lighting like a mini jewellery museum, if I had my way!  Weird thing is, other than bangles and finger rings, I don’t like wearing jewellery outside of special occasions.

Become fluent in 5 languages before I am 80yrs old!  

Become fluent in Italian

Become fluent in French

Become fluent in Hebrew

Become fluent in German

Become fluent in Japanese

Learn the tango and the paso doble with a sexy virile man who’d be my husband, because in my best reality I’d have a husband who loves that sort of thing!

Have a hot stone massage

Go for a reiki session

Go to a sauna

Be a regular donator of the shoebox appeal, if I was ever a rich woman I can see me doing hundreds of these boxes at Christmas, I just love kids!  Up until our money got cut badly, I used to do 3 a year.

Have a Indian head massage

Go to the arctic to see wild arctic life, in particular foxes.

Adopt a couple of rescue donkeys

Go to Christmas pantomimes with Henry

Go zorbing

Go on the world’s longest zip wire

Go paintballing

Go to a Centre Parcs holiday

Go on a huge shopping spree offline – I haven’t had one in ages… the last best offline shopping spree I did was £200 for Christmas 2016 and before that it was a £300 clothing only shopping spree in 2010 after I lost 40llbs when Henry was born.  Big contrast to my life before Henry, where £900 a month was a regular treat!  I am way over due for retail therapy.

Buy the latest console with a good set of games!

Go to India with Henry.

Go to Dollyworld with Henry.

Go and swim with the sea turtles with Henry!

Join the women’s institute – used to think I’d like it.

Meeting a huge bunch of celebrities was on my list, too long to mention everyone! 

Take up amateur dramatics again.

Become more active in my party… I’m a member of the labour party and since becoming sick I’ve been inactive – meaning I don’t attend meetings etc. in the village hall anymore and I miss it.

Make sock puppets again

Make puppets for charity

I love Debenham store’s and really wanted to go to one at Christmas with Henry to the biggest one in the UK, but they’ve gone bust as a brand since this list was made!

Go to Hamleys.

Go on the flying Scotsman

Go to a New Year’s Eve party, haven’t been to one since I was 6yrs old!

Go to a Christmas Party, never been to one.

Go to a German Christmas market.

Have an annual un-birthday party – huge fan of Alice in Wonderland, can you tell yet?

Go to the Eden project.

Go to a beach and find fairy glass.

Walk Offas Dike

Walk the entire length of the river Severn as a holiday.

Go to an encounter group

Become proficient in playing the recorder and then moving onto clarinet and saxophone.

Start a YouTube channel

Do a TedTalk, but not sure on what yet lol

Go to the last night of the proms!  BBC proms.

Go shopping in Ross on Wye

Go shopping at Hammersmith again

Go to the Carpathian foothills

Go to Venice for a masquerade and buy lots of Venetian glass and masks!

Go shopping at Covent Garden

Learn to roller-skate!

Learn how to ride a bike!

Go skiing

Go fishing

Holiday on a barge

Party for 3 days on a yacht with a pool!

Go to Styal Woods Wilmslow Cheshire

Go to the Chonqing caves

Go to the Northern Italy black sands caves

Go to Aveline’s Hole – another cave

Go to the Naha suicide tunnels

Go and see the Cheddar Man

Go to Salina Turda Romainia

Go to the Terezia mines in Romainia

Follow the source of the river of Timavo

Go to the Ardia event in Sardinia

Go to a gay pride event

Visit the Karst of canin river and mist forest

Go to the Benin underground city of the Agoji

Go and hear the glaciers sing in Knud Ramussen

Go to Dolly’s desserts in Barnsley

Go to M&M world

Go to China town London

Have cream tea at Fortnum and Mason

Cream tea at the Ritz

Go to American Candyland London

Buy Gucci stuff

Buy Moschino stuff

Buy a Penthouse in London and another in New York or maybe a house in the Hamptons

Go to Duke’s donut shop in Headingley Leeds

Buy Florentine Marble paper

Be on the front cover of Vogue magazine – but I have to get over the fact I am scared of fame first huh?

Start several types of businesses, I have a lot of ideas, but I know it can only be done in baby steps if I want them all to succeed!

Sell merchandise based on my art and stories!

Buy back an ancestral home that’s been turned into a hotel, there’s a handful actually!

Paint with gold leaf

Go to a Holi event – Indian paint throwing

Lose weight and tone up!

Learn to trust and be happy and relaxed!

Thanks for reading!

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Bored of sausage & beans

It’s likely that in the next two weeks that my YouTube could be set up, still struggling to understand the technology behind it all, but I am hoping that I will have it up before December now.

I am totally not confident about showing my face on there right now, because I still have that missing tooth and the dentist hasn’t given me an appointment for the braces we’ve discussed yet as she has a backlog of appointments to get through.

I did try to remind her, but I seem to be lost in the paperwork somewhere.

So until the braces come I am not confident about showing my mouth in particular.  The tooth was pulled July 28th and though some of the gap seems to have closed itself with an exercise I found online to move teeth without braces, it isn’t happening as fast as I would like!

Stupid tooth would go and break on a chicken bone though wouldn’t it?  Gosh that makes me sound like a Neanderthal with chicken wings doesn’t it?  I guess I am though, lol, pretty crazy about wings.

I forgot to have my medication last night so today is pretty painful to eat for me and I may not keep things down.  Especially as the planned meal is a rare treat of a steak pepper pie with salad, can’t change my mind as the alternative is worse – Chicken Arribiata, I have problems with that at the best of times without having it when I’ve missed medication!

I love Arribiata but it’s too acidic for days like these!

I took the medication by now, but it won’t work in time for dinner.

On a positive note my size is slimming down faster than I expected, even my smallest clothes are getting big on me now.

Although I love it I am scared of it, because I can’t afford to replace clothing and at the rate I am losing the weight I will need a full wardrobe of clothes once every six to eight weeks!

To be honest with you, it’s why I am bringing forward the YouTube set up, I am hoping to try and get some money in order to replace my clothing so I don’t have to stall my exercises for a while, like I have been doing, just because I can’t afford the transition! I don’t have much choice over the diet, we can’t eat much lately as it is.

I am not confident I’d earn enough with YouTube alone, so I am going to be posting things in Instagram and putting my blog up for monetisation soon as well, because I need to try and get some kind of income coming in now that Paul is officially retired and our money looks cut again.

We really can’t stretch our money if there is another cut; we have lost £60 a week from this past Monday, so things are getting awful right now.  But Paul assures me it is temporary, The Royal Navy will give him a pension by the end of the month that will boost us again, but we have a whole four weeks of having £60 a week less than normal, we may not be able to pay our utilities this month.  Probably going to be the hardest month of my life!

I am just so glad I am not like my cousins who ignored my grandparent’s stories about how they coped with rationing during the war and actually partook in their lessons to learn how to stretch things out.

How that just because you opened a can of beans yesterday doesn’t make them inedible today – you just pour them into a pot with leftover veg and hey presto a vegetable soup, ok not ideal, but least you won’t starve!

But I’ve learned a lot from them, you see, I learned that those can of beans you open yesterday can be mixed up with fried sausages, onion and dried herbs with mashed potato as a lovely sausage & baked bean casserole – which is a family favourite!

I think every poor family in the UK was raised on sausages and baked beans; it seems to be the go to meal for the poor here.

To be honest with you I hate sausages, had them so often I actually don’t like them anymore, same with baked beans – I like them sometimes, but I am getting to the point I will be happy never to see sausages again!

Unless of course its garlic sausage, chorizo, salami or saveloy – gosh I miss having those!  But economy brand 60% breaded sausages are, well they are just ew ok?

You can more or less tell who is poor in the UK by their weight, if you are fat; you are probably on the tight budget – as healthy food comes at a premium here.

It’s a strange world when the fat is the poor and the rich are the slim.

You know we can go days without vegetables and that’s not a choice!  Meat and potatoes keep the poor fed!

You have no idea the trouble poor people have with their kids, because we’re taught that meat is unsustainable and your kids are like, but we heard eating meat is killing the planet mum; you don’t care about the planet.  Oh my gosh have you tried to explain to a child that it costs £20 a week to feed us in our 5 a day plan but it is only £12 a week for the meat and £5 for the potatoes?  When you are on a £30 – 45 a week budget, you can see why we’re not healthy, the poor!

I’d love to have fruit and veg every day, I don’t believe in the 5 a day plan, I am more of  anything over 7 is great kind of woman, before all this started to happen in my life!

Before our money got cut in 2017 for the first time, Henry was waking up to vegetable frittatas and carrot muffins, lunching on tuna and avocado pasta and dining on Roast lamb salads and we always had soup before dinner and a dessert after it!  Not anymore, often times we go without breakfast and lunch to help Henry at school and our dinners are rarely over 900 calories! 

I have to skip the protein shakes this month to survive!  Or dip into my £30 savings?

I already told Paul, leave that Christmas savings alone, we barely have £50 for that so far and its so hard telling Henry we just can’t do the Nintendo 64 you want love, we aren’t like your friends who can have that! Anyway, that’s a old console, weren’t that out when I was a teenager? Anyway Henry definitely said that’s what he wanted! He does like vintage stuff, so I am hardly surprised really!

Anyway, rant over, thanks for reading!

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Warning for tomorrow

I just need to warn my readers that tomorrow is a dark day full of scheduled posts that have upsetting content. 

The content will be including suicidal thoughts and memories of domestic violence with body horror aspects.  I needed to get all of these things off my chest, I am sorry if I upset any of you and please believe me when I say – I do not intend for these posts to become a “a thing” here.

Understand too, that today and for the past few weeks I have had a hard time with my mental health, a very hard time and that tomorrow is a special and very mournful day for me – which will be explained at the first post which will go up midnight UK time tonight.

Things have been brewing a long, long time, the first two posts tomorrow will be a memorial to a child I lost and the third is about how I am not coping right now mentally.

I felt it was necessary to warn you.

I am not all peacocks, rainbows and butterflies you know… that’s a façade these days, trying to trick myself into believing I am actually happy with my life.

As for some of the dreams I had in my earlier post today, well, maybe there is hope for some of them in the future – depends what happens before April…

Anyway, thanks for reading.

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British kids miss out

The UK hasn’t accepted Halloween or Trick or Treat as part of their culture for very long; In fact I remember as a child, the idea of Trick or Treat was largely an American idea, that most UK kids aspired to do, but their parents – afraid of demonic possession, mostly wouldn’t let their kids go out on Halloween night.

My mother was one of those parents who told Gina an honorary aunt that “if my girl comes home with a demon spirit inside her, you’ll be to blame”!  I was ten years old when I first went Trick or Treating and I only went twice in my life, because by and large most British folks are aggressive about people knocking on their doors.

I remember lots of people hurling abuse at me and the other kids, swearing at us, chasing us off with brooms or dogs!

Things have changed slightly since my Henry was born, he has managed to go Trick or Treating, but as soon as he was 10yrs old, people started getting mean – because here in the UK you can only go Trick or Treating if you so happen to be under the age of 11 or look it – or are accompanied by younger looking children with you.  If you don’t look young enough you are shooed away like some stray animal.

At least one in every four or five doors they either won’t open to you, or they will shout abuse at the kids.

It is becoming quite common in this area lately that at Halloween the local JWs start their rounds in the hope to turn people against their evil ways of encouraging their children to do “Trick or Treat activities”.

It’s so sad.

I remember when Henry was in his primary/junior school that they used to do a Halloween party for the kids every year, as soon as Henry goes to High school from the age of 11, it’s like everybody expects them not to be kids anymore – none of those fun things anymore.  No summer fetes, no Christmas fairs, no summer bouncy castles, no Halloween, Christmas or Easter parties, no Christmas card post box for your friends… I don’t get it.  Why 11?

I complained to other parents about the unfairness of the huge culture change from junior to high school, they all seem to think along the same lines as the authorities, it’s time to grow up now!

 But they’re only 11!

Henry has a lot of depression because of this, it seems to him that the whole world expects the fun to stop now and he is made to think about his career already.  When I was in school, they didn’t make me think about what career I wanted until I was 14 – now Henry is expected at 12 to have a firm grasp at what he wants from his life.

He is still dithering from cook, doctor, accountant, marathon runner or actor.

Despite the school pressurising him to grow up, he feels he has less freedom in high school than he did in junior school – in junior school he was a play leader for younger children, this school doesn’t have anything like that – instead they have prefects which are usually the most popular kids in the school as it is done by a voting system.

Henry was certainly the most popular child in primary and junior school, but since moving into high school, he has a small group of friends who are all considered over-achievers and are mostly bullied for it.

It’s so sad they make them grow up so fast here, a couple of my American friends on twitter can’t believe that the UK is so culturally backward as to be mean to children of a certain age at Halloween over a piece of candy.

One of my dreams since childhood was to leave the UK for America or Canada, but things didn’t turn out that way for me.  I always though, that although schools are not as secure as ours in regards to violence etc., they definitely do more for children and giving personal choices to children than UK schools do.  Because here in the UK, most children are educated like they are clothed in school, uniformly, no deviation from curriculum and certainly very limited choices if any and hardly any after school clubs ran at the school. 

Most high schools in the UK are expected to run from 8:30am to 4pm for five days a week, a 15 minute morning break and a 30 minute lunch break and that is all they get, well at my Henry’s school in any case.

I’ve never liked it, Paul and I did plan to move to Canada’s Prince Edward Island, when Henry was 3, but that fell through big time!

Anyway, happy reading!

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My fashion idols

Women I’ve idolised my whole life and some more recently for whatever reason;

Kathleen Turner – absolutely stunning, always liked her shape and she’s so pretty.

Diana Dors is literally a pin up I had as a teenager but mum either by accident or design ripped the poster that was on my wall and now I only have postcards of her. 

But I always wanted to be like her when I grow up – white hair, that kind of figure at her prime was always my goal!

Even to this day, I’ve mostly wanted white platinum wavy hair, but I don’t think it suits my face.  So a brunette then I suppose?  Or purple hair?  Or go to a wig shop and see what does suit me and see if platinum does suit my face?  Lol.

If it does suit me, then I will feel happy, but I am stockier than I want to be and I don’t think I can do much about that, I build muscle too fast, always have!  As Al Pacino’s devil said in my favourite movie Devil’s advocate “Vanity is my favourite sin”, but I’d like to think I am not terribly narcissistic in a bad way, but I do enjoy some attention, depends what though!

It was always my intention to be like this someday, whenever the opportunity occurs, I won’t be becoming anything new just because… it’s really who I am in my heart.  What I am now is a false creature, living and dressing in the reality I do not want.

I am a chameleon peacock by heart. 

Kirstie Alley back in the 80s was also on my pin up idol list.

Glen Close, she’s always been gorgeous!  

Meryl Streep, again she’s always been pretty and I have always liked her style too – I was flabbergasted when my niece did my face on an app to see how I would look in 50yrs time if I were rich and glamorous – I looked like I could be her sister!  I have the pic on Facebook somewhere I got to find it for Instagram.

Rosie Perez was also on my list growing up, of who I idolised in looks and fashion as well as a classic English actress called Penelope Keith, I envy Penelope’s voice.

As was Kate Moss and Linda Evangelista.

In my early twenties I developed an obsession to be like Lucille Ball and have red hair, one of my exes said that in his opinion my personality is mirror quality to her, but I won’t ever look like her!

Shame really.

Also more recently I really like the fashion sense of Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Dita Von Teese, Bjork and Melanie Martinez, but my body doesn’t suit their style yet… working on it!

I know I am probably going to look like mutton dressed as lamb but I don’t really care, it’s what’s in my heart that counts and I want to look however I like!

On my more androgynous days I like to look like Tilda Swinton, Glen Close, Annie Lennox, Cara Delevingne and several of the lifestyle female dandies on YouTube.

But I am mostly cute and wacky and most likely to wear Joe Browns, gypsy style, or cute styles similar to Kawaii– around the home I like wrap dresses, baggy tops, cardigans and dungarees if I can help it and have the budget for it.

I really wished I had more options going for me, but until I lose around another twenty to forty pounds I am pretty limited in the UK.

My weight loss goal is to be 180llb again.

I will get there, because I need to, my style is boring these days because I am just making do!

Though I’ve never been in the position to afford making myself up facially with cosmetics on a regular basis. As I said, I’ll get there, eventually. I am hoping my YouTube will be successful so I can afford to be this, imagine… a plain Jane to a glamorous peacock!

I also enjoy fashion designs from Jeremy Scott, Donatella Versace, Zandra Rhodes and Alexander McQueen.

Happy reading!

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Push or die?

I will not be participating in Inktober this year due to lack of supplies and lack of money to buy new supplies.

I will not ask for a crowdfund for Inktober, I have had friends online suggest I do this, but I am uncomfortable with that.  Also, I don’t think I’d have the time between now and my deadline to do four hours of artwork per day on top of it all.

I am having a hard time emotionally in the last few weeks, lots of bad news in the family, near and far. 

Really, instead of sticking to my deadline I should take a couple of weeks off everything but housework and child rearing to recuperate; but I set this goal and I won’t forgive myself unless it is accomplished, even if I don’t get an agent like I want to, at least I can say I did try on my set timeframe.

I will miss doing Inktober, I enjoy this event every year and I tend to do my best artwork during those times (autumn theme is the best), but this year I just can’t manage the time to do it.

I am juggling my own mental health problems along with my son’s problems and Paul’s stress about the heat or eat crisis here in the UK as well as general family grief over the diagnosis of cancer of two relations, the death of a cousin and the loss of a child friend who recently broke her back horse-riding and has to live for several months in a hospital fifty miles away and my own yet to be diagnosed neurological issue.

Henry’s issues are existential, he is having gender crisis issues and is suicidal because he wants to be both genders at the same time, but is being severely bullied at school over it as well as his very elaborate fashion tastes, a penchant for pink, faux fur and glitter as well as tailored clothing; it isn’t so bad, but he is being picked on because of his surname and the fact that he speaks excellent King’s English – in other words he is quite posh for the area.

The bullies threw sticks and stones at the house at the start of the year, the police had to deal with it.

It is hard to manage his behaviour at times, because he is constantly punishing himself physically and it is exhausting to constantly be his sentinel to watch him and physically stop him harming himself.  Paul blames Dobby from Harry Potter for him starting this, because before Henry got into Harry Potter, he’d never harm himself.  Although people find Dobby funny, living with a child who is re-enacting what Dobby does is far from humorous, it’s downright blooming scary, especially when the child starts punching himself in the chest during dinner and forgetting he has a knife and fork in his hands!

This is not the reason however, that Paul and Henry often argues with each other over, on the contrary, it’s almost everything, they see eye to eye on very little.

For me it is mostly mental exhaustion, because Henry is particularly challenging lately.  I am also exhausted because I have no social life and the only person I have to talk to is exhausted both physically and mentally to the extent we hardly talk more than twenty minutes per day together alone anymore – Paul.

I haven’t written towards my novel since the 20th September 2022, hopefully by this posts scheduled date I’d have written more towards it, but it is difficult. 

I am trying to keep myself active in some kind of creativity though, mostly poems and scheduling blog posts, reading about how to structure different kinds of poetry and learning about screenwriting, just to keep doing something to keep me sane.

But I have to say, I am struggling to make sense about anything and I am pretty sure in a couple of months’ time, when things have calmed down a bit more and I re-read this month’s posts, I will wonder where the heck my mind was all through these weeks?

A couple of friends of mine have DM me who are already published authors, they believe because of my stressful time and because it is generally a bad time of the year for finding representation, that I should hold off until February – but I am debating this.

You see, I fully want to approach an agent before Christmas, because I’ve planned it for so long.  January I will start my YouTube channel and I will look into affiliate programs and my blog will become more focused too, with photographs of me and my artwork etc.

I am determined that life starts at forty and I am forty on the 3rd October 2022.

Paul is super stressed out by my proclamation of starting a new life in October, because he sees his cup as half empty and doesn’t see how I am able to do all my plans for a new life, when we can’t pay our heating bills and our food budget is going to be halved from next month. Remember I’ve said in the past I don’t go to doctor appointments anymore, because we can’t afford the taxi fare, well, whether I am sick or not from next month or onwards, I can only go now in a life or death situation, meaning I am neglecting myself medically all the more!

It’s that or food, or it used to be like that – now its the doctor, food or heating and we’re choosing food right now, we’ve stocked up on hot water bottles and over the years we’ve bought fleece blankets, thank goodness!

But I say, financially our lives will improve from January, because I am stubborn and I will make something happen, I am not like Paul – I don’t like making do and I don’t like making excuses for being in poverty, I don’t whine and sit back hoping for someone to give me a leg up.

I was bedbound sick for years, but I eventually got a little better and now able to do more around the house – but still not strong enough for my January plans – but still, I am going to force it, because I can’t stand this life!

I refuse to tolerate it any longer!

Paul has convinced himself our relationship is over once I get published, because he doesn’t see why I would want to stick around, it’s almost like he is pushing me away these days.

My choice is to push myself out of the mud no matter what the pain or the embarrassment or commit suicide; one or the other and I chose life!

Happy reading…

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Witchy roots & faeries

What got me into fantasy and horror as a genre?

My family history is really to blame for me loving fantasy and horror, because my family history is pretty unusual in fact, absolutely overrun with weirdness.

It mostly stems from my maternal line all this weird stuff, my grandmother is half Romany and my grandmother once told me that there are witches within the family; I never really truly believed her though I liked the thought that we had such a weird and diverse family history – but in 2017 I found out the truth when I did my own genetic research.

It turns out that my family had cousins who were victims of the Salem witch trials not only on my grandmother’s side of the family, but also my grandfather’s side of the family as well – her husband. 

My family names which were involved with these trials are Howe, Bishop and Crawley – though Crawley managed to escape from her persecution by running away in the night to a different town, here in the UK, around one hundred years after Salem, because our family fled back to the UK after their cousins were lost to the Salem trials.

My grandmother was rather good at telling me about family traditions and taught me a lot of things, which my mother thought was a load of old tosh and old wives tales; but I followed my grandmothers advice on more than one occasion and things always worked out for me whenever I got stuck in life – so it is something I have learned to live by these days.

Witchcraft and gypsy magick seems to run in my blood and there is a lot of weird things I’ve been taught over the years about what it is to be a true witch, with real witch heritage!

My grandmother held off teaching me anything before I was seven years of age, because a true witch understands that before the age of seven spirits can over take a child and make them act like changelings – non-humans and they will never get back their former child if they allow them to mess around with magick sooner than this!

You can tell if a child is meant to be a witch for several reasons within the family – the most significant thing is having green eyes, which is probably why green eyes are rare, it was common knowledge back in the witch burning days.  The next significant thing is being able to remember their dreams and being a sickly child; because the magick messes up our bodies and because we’re young we’re not strong enough to control it. 

Some people believe that green eyes is a sign we are descendants of the goddess Hera and some say it’s where the word heretic comes from, but I can’t vouch for the truth of this, because I don’t know! 

But what I do know is, there is a section of my mother’s family who believe we are descendants from Dionysus, but again, I can’t vouch for the truth of this either!  I know the Italian side of my family believe we are mixed with Greek and Jewish too, but that’s one of the four lines in the past five generations where I have Italian blood.

But that’s another conversation.

The family name Crawley is linked to the family name Crowley too, as the Crowley’s changed their name to become more distinctive and I’ve yet to find a link to the man himself – you know who I am talking about!  My grandmother is sure however he is a second or third cousin to her as she met him at a family reunion around 12yrs of age – she was born in 1932.  Again, I don’t know whether this is true or not, because I haven’t found a link in my research to him.

Why would this influence my love for fantasy and horror?  Because it was part of my bonding process with my grandmother or nan as I called her!  She taught me that in order to be safe going out you need certain trinkets, her particular favorite is the Cornish pixie, if you have that on you and people cause mischief with you, the pixie will ensure they get into mischief too!

I wasn’t inclined to believe about the pixies too much.  But something strange happened when I was twenty five and I went out to a local woodland with a boyfriend (of whom I was having doubts about) – he was being his general obnoxious self and then there was a big rustle up in the trees above us – acorns fell on his head hurting him, when he complained about it there was cheeky maniacal laughter coming up from the tree and the acorn pellets got worse and worse until he grabbed me by the hands and ran out of the woodlands with me!  I laughed and warned him of my heritage once again and how he shouldn’t be so bloody cheeky with me!  We broke up four months later.

She got me into the habit of leaving an offering out to the spirits of the house; because if they are not fed often enough they’ll make the house fall into disrepair!  They will also protect the house from burglary and other things.  I believe this, because I am paranoid about forgetting to do the offerings and I have had two near burglary’s happen, one occasion a burglar tried to break in and the garden gate fell on them as they ran away – the burglar was someone we knew, because they couldn’t help saying that there are weird freaky things in the window and when he decided to leave – the gate fell on him!  But we noticed the back door of the house looked meddled with and we had to change the locks because of issues with it.

This person also claimed that the joker soft toy in the bedroom window waves at him from time to time, but that’s not a mechanical toy, so it must be the Nisse (my gran never called it Nisse, she always called it the hearth folk) playing about!

There are lots of things like this that happen over and over again in my life and many things I won’t talk about here, because if a witch reveals too much about their actual family spells it makes the spells null and void for all future generations.  This is how you can really tell a true witch from someone who just likes to play about.  It is also the reason why certain famous spell books don’t work for some people, but some people they do, because the spirits can sense the bloodlines, but some spells still don’t work or work as effectively as they did for those who originated them, because they get weaker with corruption outside of true magick circles.

Earlier on in the life of the internet you could tell real magick from fake, because magic, magick and magyck – had different significant meanings, which no longer stand in today’s society, once again, thanks to corruption… usually corruption of the wannabes rather than religious intervention! 

No spirit will hurt a true witch, but they do hurt those who are not pure in heart with their spells or who are not part of spiritual bond that blood gives; they will particularly hurt those who intend to do spells based on selfish reasons and revenge.  Because a true witch has no reason to make revenge spells, because their protective spirits and the spirits of their ancestors would already be enacting a vengeance plan for them, if they feel that the witch truly suffered innocently.

Also witches never charge for their skills in spell making or fortune telling, because the spirits will work against them as their skills are a gift and should not be abused for financial gain – however, a true witch and true fortune teller will ask for a donation, this is better than to outright charge.  A donation is acceptable to the spirits, charging for your ability is not!

This is why you will know a true witch, if she asks you to pay for your own spell ingredients so that she can use them to help you, and then you know she is genuine!

Spells from a true witch work faster than those who are merely wannabes!

Also a true witch knows that if a witch curses another witch, that within twelve years they will feel the nasty effects of what they have done, because witches have a code of protecting each other which must never be broken!  Also a true witch can feel the spells as soon as it is cast on them, though they won’t always know where it came from!  It is rumoured in my family that we were the originators of the idea of witch bottles and four thieves vinegar, but again, whether that’s true or not I don’t know! 

My nan told me that a witch is a witch not because they worship devils, that’s just carnival games to excite the masses for some – they are witches because they are descendants from supernatural beings such as pagan gods, faeries and even dragons – because in the far east they believe dragons can live lives like a human and that they have special magical abilities.

My nan also told me that I had Chinese in my ancestry, she was wrong, I found the link she meant, they were actually Vietnamese.  My grandmother is not very clever or academic, she never read books outside of supernatural or occult memoirs – but she knew a lot of Vietnamese traditions purely by word of mouth through the family.

My grandmother on my father’s side of the family also had some fantastical stories about our family history too – though she is not from witch or gypsy lines.  She is from quite a pronounced aristocratic line, a contrast to my mother’s family entirely!  Though her father was Irish and once spoke of tales of how the family is rumoured to be descended from the Tuath Dé Danann.  At the time I had no idea what that was, but I learned it was fairy folk of Ireland! 

My grandmother from this side of the family also spoke of a family banshee, but I was terrified of those stories and I wouldn’t acknowledge them as true, until my first ever death in that side of the family – when I did, indeed hear a distressed long cry and screech outside all night, the night before I learned that Great auntie Edith died!

I learned over the years that you can talk to the banshee and even comfort her, something I never found in myth as possible – she now only softly whimpers, whenever a death occurs and she gives a longer warning of three days before now.

I love weeping willows, but it is not wise for me to be under them for more than a minute, because of their reaction to me.  I always find myself tangled up in their branches and leaves, like the tree is trying to embrace me – I laughed about it when I went on a picnic with my gran, she panicked and because she was disabled and couldn’t walk over to me, she screeched at my cousins to get me away from the tree quickly!  When I settled back down with her, I told her I was fine, the tree didn’t hurt me.  But she said, no, if I hadn’t of got them to get you out of there, we would have lost you! 

I called her silly, but she looked at me with the most serious and stern look I’ve ever seen in her eyes and she said – never go under a weeping willow if you can help it, not all of them, but some have a spirit in them that can sense where your blood is from and the tree will hold you tight until you go back to that world!

Back to what world?

Fairyland!

I laughed at her, but she hit me with her walking stick and told me not to be foolish about it, because if I had got trapped in fairyland a minute is a century if I were to come back and what will happen to me then?

Amongst my skills of being a writer, musician, gardener and poet, are also skills in clairvoyance, clairsentience, healing and fortune telling!  I don’t like to touch people unless I know them well, because if they are sick and I touch them for more than five minutes at a time, I can sense their illness and take it within myself for a few moments, whilst they get relieved of symptoms.  But I have learned how to alleviate that for me in the past few years.

I remember once when training at work – a method of bonding with our colleagues I was made to hold hands with two people and hold their hands for ten minutes straight as part of the exercise and I fainted within three minutes; it was not apparent until fifteen minutes after I collapsed when I asked the two women I held hands with, if they have any serious health problems?  When they asked why?  I said because if I touch someone over a certain period of time I take on their health problems, she was terrified because she had a heart problem and she couldn’t apologise enough, I calmed her down and told her, she wasn’t to know this sort of thing could happen, it’s highly irregular!

Weirdly enough my dad is the seventh born and my mum had several pregnancies in which she is sure I’d be her seventh child too, so it’s no wonder my powers are more significant than other members of the family who chose to stay true to our heritage!  I know according to the other practising witches in the family they believe I am the strongest of the lot – whether it’s to do with the significance of my birth as a seventh child of a seventh child we’re unsure, but I was also born on a full moon!  3rd October 1982 if you want to check!

With all this in my heritage, all these strange tales and occurrences, how else was I to spend my life but wanting to learn more about the supernatural and absorbing myself into it all?

I have to admit a lot of my family stories and experiences will be found in my novels, but I won’t share too much about the magick, because of those reasons I’ve already explained above.

But as I have said in previous posts, my life has been very spiritually enriched and blessed and I am happy to have such a life, no matter how lonely it makes me!

What bought this post on? 

I was scared of my witchy roots for a few years because there have been one or two discriminating people in my village, so I swept it under the carpet.  But like always the spirits have a way in keeping their own safe; so those discriminating people left the village to go to retirement dream spots away from here and they were replaced by likeminded folk.  It’s a funny old world isn’t it?

If I hadn’t been an absorbed writer, I probably would have followed my cousin and nans encouragement in trying to be a fortune teller, healer and clairvoyant of donation only and struggled on through life trying to make ends meet that way – outside of my normal day job – a history of my former occupations will be another post.

I have restarted my crystal and tarot card collections again recently, you know it’s a myth that you can’t use your own tarot if you buy it, don’t you?  A myth to deter Christian children from partaking in witchy pursuits! 

Thanks for reading!

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Price of ink and financial rants

My situation is such that when I write I will print off as I go along, because I don’t trust clouds and data saving technologies, because they have failed me numerous times before.

Recently my finances have become worse and this has affected my novel writing more than anything, now I am able to get back into novel writing since I had Covid, it has meant that because of the decline in my finances I can no longer print the seventy pages a week I used to, I can only afford to print twenty a week at most and one week in the month, nothing at all.

If it is novel writing, I will print it as I go along, because of two reasons – I do not trust data saving technologies and I find it difficult to read and edit from a screen, whether I create a blue background to read from or not.

It’s frustrating because I want to write towards four ideas immediately and I can’t write by hand anymore because my arthritis is getting bad.  Every time I write more than an A4 page of handwriting, my hand swells up to the extent I can’t properly hold the pen anymore and if I ignore it, the cramps come on.

My arthritis has meant I have had to give up my knitting hobby altogether, because not only does it exasperate the arthritis, but it has also reawakened my carpal tunnel problem too!

I miss knitting, because of the style of gloves I used to make for myself and the scarves – because the style and colours I like can’t be bought cheaply, like it can be made!

I don’t have the money to buy a knitting machine or else I would do that, I also liked making toys for children I knew, but now I have been thinking about learning felt crafts or sewing the toys instead – because for some reason or another sewing doesn’t affect me.

At the moment we have a printer that is breaking down, because it appears not to be getting a hundred pages per cartridge anymore and we can’t afford to replace the printer for at least a year.  The cost of the ink is always £15, cheap in comparison, but for us it’s three days meals.  We’re near the brink of needing food bank help again – and no Lee Anderson, I can actually cook thank you very much, in fact I cook most things from scratch and manage left overs very well so there is never food wasted here!

Amongst my cooking skills are homemade pies, cakes, soups, casseroles and pasta dishes, not to mention the fact that I have been fakeaway cooking at least ten years before it became “fashionable”!  But when your colleagues Mr Anderson insist that because I have a bus stop outside my house which is within the walking distance I can do without an asthma attack they cut my mobility money by £100 a month, which meant that I could no longer afford to manage the finances which included getting medical help to try and get me back on my feet (in order to work), because you took the money I needed to travel to the local hospital 20 miles away in another town, which costs me £20 a time and I need treatment around twice a week quite a lot of the time – which meant I had to decide to become anorexic and get treatment, or just give up fighting to get my life back and make sure my family doesn’t starve to death!  Which one would you choose? 

Because when I had to do the above we had £10 for the week for food and I often had to cancel at last minute the doctors, because I couldn’t afford to get there – because doctors don’t house visit anymore, no matter how poor you are!

Along with this, we’re still not getting a lot of free stuff sending our child to school.  We had to cancel his eleventh birthday last year and all household birthdays and have the crappiest Christmas ever just to save up to get him school uniform for his new secondary school, because you can’t get it free here and there was no way in getting second hand, we checked.  The child gets reprimanded at the school if their uniform is not complete, whether you can prove poverty or not!

We would love to give up the internet in order to get £6 a week more in our pockets to eat better and maybe get some medical attention – but that would mean my son can’t do his homework so losing the internet is not an option for us!  The irony is, they say that they are doing more and more for kids in poverty these days, honestly I don’t see it!  His meals aren’t free at school; it costs him an average of £3.50 a day for a hot meal in winter.

Don’t you dare blame the poor for poor management!

Free schools, meals in schools, the NHS was all originally created for the poorest in the community, but these days the poorest in the community are not reaping the rewards of yesteryear, it basically is slowly turning back to how it used to be.  Everything is slowly privatising again and they think we don’t see it!

I don’t normally turn my posts into political rants, but this Lee Anderson has a lot to learn and remember about the society he is trying to lead!

Funny thing is, despite being bed bound and housebound sick for around twenty weeks of the year, I could work, at the pace I can.  There is some work I could do, but the problem comes with practicality – I’ve tried slogging on looking for a job outside of the house whilst managing my sickness and nobody wants me!  No one wants someone part time three hours three days a week, even on a check out, because I have ailments which embarrass the company!  I have what appears to be a permanent streaming cold!

No one wants to work alongside someone who is sniffling all year around and then needing three weeks off four times a year because she can’t even get to the bathroom she’s so sick!

So I told the benefits OK, there are other things I can do, I can write, I can do art, I can upcycle things to sell, help advise me in how to set up my own business to do that and teach me what I need to know to run a business from home.  They won’t.

But understood only this… you said you can work?  OK we’re taking your ESA away and making you go to job search centres five days a week all year around and if you don’t turn up for three consecutive days because you are sick, we’ll pull your benefits again and it will take six weeks to reapply for benefits again, meanwhile there is no transitioning money…

So, who is going to opt for all their amenities to be switched off and starving your family for six weeks solid?  What sort of incentive is there to actually get your ass off benefits if you are sick?  What kind of incentive do they give the sick to try and work out their own ailments in order not to be a scrounger?

Because seriously, this is how it is here!

So people who call sick people on benefits scroungers, talk to your government about their crackpot schemes, and don’t go attacking us!  It’s not our fault!  Most of us would love to be independent and work and get even £5 extra a week in their pockets, because no one likes going through those humiliating interviews every year!

Paul and I had thought about going to Ireland as they take care of artists and writers on sickness benefits more than they do here in England – but lately we’ve seen the news, there are political issues cropping up – will we be welcomed in Ireland?

I know my great grandfather was Irish (from Roscommon) and I know that genetically I would be accepted with opened arms, but it’s still looking complicated…

I am very frustrated, because there are lots of things I need in order to get myself a job and there is absolutely not help at all and the money is being cut again and again, to the extent, that I haven’t impulse bought a thing since 2017 and I am losing a huge amount of weight, but can’t afford to replace my clothes as the weight falls off and I am looking ridiculous!  I have lost four dress sizes in nearly a year.

Doctor says that they don’t find that a worry because I was so large to begin with.  I was a size 28, I am now nearly a size 20, they won’t worry until I am a size 12 potentially – potentially I might be dead by then, before they investigate why!

They know I have an IBD because of my high markers, but they won’t investigate until I literally start screaming in pain at A&E, seriously, been told that, NHS is so badly stretched financially that they are now only dealing with life threatening conditions as they appear, cancer not one of them, government recently warned the UK that if you get cancer now, you are more or less fucked if you rely on NHS!

Also, I have a new cholesteatoma growing in my left ear, but my ENT specialist said his department is in so much debt right now, he will not deal with it until it is life threatening! I have been through this before when I was a teenager, I really don’t want to go there again, but I have no fucking choice, because he won’t help me! That means, if the worse comes to the worse again, I won’t be able to physically care for myself bathing wise for nearly three years again nor bend down! I will also be 100% deaf!

Anyway, I am going to close this rant up, because people are home now.

Happy reading everyone… if it was that kind of experience, which I doubt. 

P.S sorry for being an Eeyore today!

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