A handful of friends have sent me DMs recently about my deadline. I have to agree to take their advice and not push for it, because in the past two weeks in particular life here has been hard on me and I have found it difficult to focus on reading anything, let alone writing anything.
Henry is has recently had an emergency assessment to test for autism because his behaviour is worsening at school, at the moment they decline to say much about their findings because they feel they need to do another one or two assessments on him before they are sure.
Along with this, as you all are probably aware of, Paul and I are separating; which is a surprise really, because around 2015 we more or less decided to stick with each other, despite our relationship only meaning to be temporary.
We don’t know when we will decide to live apart as I have discussed recently, but it is on the cards.
Along with this I am trying my hardest to get into shape and lose weight, so I have more confidence in myself when I start a new relationship.
I really wanted to debut a book by summer, which is why I wanted to approach an agent on the 21st October, however, I have too much going on right now to do it and along with it all, the idea of YouTube may also be a failing start for January too; because my future is very uncertain right now.
I am also very confused by people behaviours online recently. Since alerting my readers of my separation with Paul, I have been getting a lot of attention in DMs. I suppose it’s not so confusing as I have more or less announced my availability, but what is confusing is the dominance some people are portraying in their emails to me from the off-set. Like whom do they think they are?
It started with the email from a well-known author to Paul, I won’t mention names, but he is pretty big as far as authors go. According to Paul this author had asked him outright whether or not we genuinely are in an open relationship and if it is OK for him to approach me for a relationship someday? Paul said of course.
Though this author has not approached me in any other way other than being a sort of friendly online acquaintance, I felt it was cheeky to do that and especially behind my back!
He has a blue tick on twitter, so it’s the genuine article, but he is not the only person who has approached this recently with me.
Unfortunately I feel some pressure by this person to finish my AD project in particular as they believe they’ve cottoned on to my plot with my hints and has got inspired to make something very similar if I am not quick enough; unfortunately, they’ve kind of guessed correctly what my story might be. or so, Paul has told me someone who is associated with this author has told him.
I don’t know whether or not Paul is just rocking the boat telling me these things, because he was initially afraid of losing me, but more recently he has found a new lady himself and doesn’t seem to think that what he told me in the past is anything to worry about, now.
I really don’t like cloak and daggers and underhanded stuff and I am getting rather uncomfortable with it all.
But if what Paul has said is true, then this author will be starting the idea around March apparently, which is why I feel the pressure to write this quickly, because its a series.
For now, all I want to do is focus on is my fitness, trimming down and getting my head together, whilst still trying to write a tiny bit per day towards any current project. Maybe read a book once a fortnight, the reading has slowed down immensely.
But I am trying to find my true self.
My true self, since a very young child – kindergarten almost, has always had a massive love for fashion and glamour. For short bursts throughout my life, I have tried to get into it all big time – but there was always someone getting in my way and stopping me, usually my mother.
My mother is out of my life right now, so I feel free to be as vain and beautiful as I want, in the manner I want.
I loved the book “Matilda” by Roald Dahl as a child and in there is a quote where they say that there are two types of women in the world those that choose looks and those that chose books.
Most of my life I chose books, purely as a means of escapism. Had I have had a more stable life I would be more focused on looks and entertainment of other kinds, such as singing or acting.
All I know is that I am a huge daydreamer.
I can’t help but think of great stories all of the time, often at the drop of a hat – but I have little interest in making them books, I want them to be on the screen somehow. It has always been my primary goal.
My idea of the best kind of entertainment is visual and audio. I read a lot, yes, but mostly to learn, I don’t really read for the amusement of it – I am just knowledge hungry, that’s all.
I really don’t think I’d be as much of a gaming or science geek as I am today, had I have been raised primarily by say – my honorary auntie Sheila or my grandmother for example.
I know had I of been raised by my paternal grandmother she’d have made me go into the equestrian gymkhana groups and gymnastics and all sorts of things like that. She’d have fully supported my sports goals in swimming and judo and would have pushed me into other things to socialise a lot with the better classes as she’d put it; Potentially making me become a singer or an actress along with it, because she often tried to encourage me to go with my aunts to their amateur theatres to be a part of their little comedies, but at the time I was bullied out of it by being fat shamed by my mum.
I really wanted more of the life my grandmother wanted for me, as it reflected what my dad wanted for me too, but mum never supported any of it.
All my life I have envied women in gymnastics in particular.
As an adult my grandmother learned I had a passion for watching dance shows and that I really wanted to learn to dance and she arranged for me to go to Ealing to become taught by a famous dancer called Anton Du Beke. When my mum found out I was going to go to it, she gave me a nasty ultimatum, go to this school for dance or lose the internet. At the time I had an Ebay business and I had a lot of online friends, so losing the internet was not an option for me, so she had got her way.
I have always wanted to learn to tango, especially with a life partner, because I have a lot of passion in me and I really would love a relationship like Morticia and Gomez Addams.
It’s a goal I have still, once fit enough I will go to find a school for the tango. Or if I become a published author and famous enough I’d practically beg “strictly come dancing” to let me be a celebrity contestant!
But ultimately, my stories should be on the screen and should also be merchandise as a lot of my ideas are not only horror, but mostly for the family entertainment industry. Horror is lessening these days as I am thinking of more light-hearted fantasy stories. Sure, project AD is a dystopian, but it has anthropomorphic characters, children and comedy in it, which lightens the mood immensely.
Even if I am only writing a paragraph per day at least it’s getting done. But for now, I can’t do much more than that because there are a lot of explosive arguments going on about me, mostly between Henry and Paul but lately, Paul is starting to drain me with his noticeable irritations, because he feels as trapped as I do.
I am just in the way. That is not something I want to feel when I am still quite emotionally vulnerable and could at any moment decide to seek out the medicine box. I mean, other than Henry and a rabbit, what I have I got to live for?
Paul and Henry have already decided between themselves that Henry will stay with Paul not me, so I won’t even have Henry as an excuse to stay alive soon; Just the rabbit, and he is 5yrs old on his next birthday. He is also the last birthday present I’ve ever received since we fell into poverty, that’s if I am not including the regular chocolate bars I’ve got between then and now.
Still, shouldn’t be ungrateful.