Tag Archives: truth

They didn’t think I was playing right

I think they thought I wasn’t playing right.

But tragically I was.

Someone wanted to play a game on twitter the other day with their followers, but I guess nobody believed I was playing properly because nobody answered me, everyone bypassed my answer.  I am not bothered by it, in fact when it comes to truth questions, hardly anyone believes me when I tell them the things I’ve gone through.

Used to it.

The game was two truths and a lie, so I told them this.

First thing – I have broken my leg and walked on it for 9 months without seeing anyone medical about it.

Second thing – I have survived a bomb explosion.

Third thing – I am a model.

For your information, I am not a model; the other two are sadly true.

I broke my leg when I got out of the bath awkwardly around 16yrs ago, it was extremely painful and for months I couldn’t rest my calf on anything and had to sleep with a cushion under my rump to keep my calf from touching the bed.  My mum wouldn’t let me see a doctor about it, around nine months later the doctor accidentally knocked into my leg on his swivel chair and I screamed.

He thought I was overly dramatic until I explained what happened to me several months earlier, then he sent me for a precautionary x-ray and found I had been living with a break for all that time and that they want to rebreak my leg to fix it properly or I could have ongoing issues all my life.  My mother wouldn’t let me opt for that, so I have ongoing issues all my life with that. 

I also want to say there was another incidence where I broke several ribs and again, I wasn’t allowed medical help. I wanted this to be my third option – where I would have said, I broke one rib once, it would have been a lie as I broke several all at once. But I guess people have a problem with macabre realities.

The bomb explosion was 200 yards from my house and broke all the windows; I was sitting 2ft from one of those windows at the time.  It was a prime location for IRA attacks.

I guess some people just can’t believe a person can go through so much?

Nobody believes the broken doll, of course, she’s just an attention whore!

Happy reading! 

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

My dreams are truth

Dreams fade into nothing as I wake

I hate waking up to this reality its fake

I am who I am in the dream world

But here when I wake, I am lost and twirled

I can’t be me when I am awake

To be so would be a mistake

People rant and jeer at me

Who do you think you are Queen Bee?

The dreams are my reality true

I can be whoever I want without judgement from you

Dream time is the only truth

Here in the awoken world is untruth

I can’t wake until I sleep again

So I can be me and mend

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Say goodbye to the blue

Life is a crying game

So many tears to name

But life isn’t pain

You are just drowned in the notion, it’s all the same

You forget the joys and the happiness too

You have no clue; the key to joy is you

What do you think?

What do you know?

Why are you shadows when you should glow?

Why do you swim in the rivers of pain?

When really life is a game, you need to learn how to play!

All it takes is a different thought

Not what you’ve been taught

You have to remember yourself, be true

You’ve lost yourself and you have no clue!

Think of the opposite to what you do now

It really does work after a while, you’ll sail!

Into the sea of happiness

Into bliss away from the piss, to joy!

Oh boy – look at what is waiting for you!

Say goodbye to the blue and let’s sail!

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Keep in touch with your soul

Life has a sour grace

Bittersweet memories of a better place

Sometimes when you’re down you are kicked in the face

But sometimes there’s a person who eases the pain with an embrace

Childlike innocence gets taken for a ride

Be careful you are not lost when the oil has dried

Keep true to yourself, don’t get lost in the fray

Don’t follow other people who have lost their way

I’m dreaming of a time when life becomes a paradise

Stay true to yourself, take my advice

No matter how lonely the road to YOU may be

Just keep to your truth and you will see

That the pains and the burdens won’t hurt as much

Keep true to yourself, with your soul stay in touch!

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Song for the wolf maiden

You kissed the night to end your plight

But there you’re trapped as well

Shooting happiness and licking the moon

You might as well dwell in Hell

Your scars are very pretty

You got them when you was numb

When you saw yourself in the mirror

You felt that it was dumb

You regret everything

And everything stings

You have hope that angels will save you when they sing

You miss your mother

The one who flew away

Like a raven in the night

She took your heart away

But she watches you tonight

Though you have no clue

She is there as your guiding star

She will see you through

And wipe away your scars

She is the angel with the black wings

She will keep her vow

Though you don’t believe her

As you feel abandoned now

But she will lift you up

and out this world

Her promises are true to you

You’ll get home to the old world

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Foolhardy witches

The curses of humanity is numerous without the curses of the witches who avenge their broken egos

A few harsh words to remind them they are not gods divine

They salivate over the truth; I drink their blood like wine

They try to destroy me but I live forever on

Because I am not like a pretentious mortal who just sit back doing wrong

I’m the real deal honey, so away with your curse; it takes twelve years for it to reverse

How do you feel now?  Do you feel your age?

Do you wish now that you and I never engaged?

I do too, for different reasons than yours, you was so promising but like a fool you curse your mentors

I laugh as I watch you squirm with my words, now you realise that your actions are absurd

I hope you have learned your lesson well

I am still your mentor so show and tell!

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Tears prove nothing

I don’t cry any-more because it never proves a point

Tears can fool people into believing any viewpoint

Tears are the enemy of a truce

Because liars use them always to show their false proof

The strongest person alive will use this tactic alone

To prove to others to stand by them, though they lie to you things unknown

Don’t believe in tears alone

I don’t cry for what’s happened to me

I don’t sit there forcing you to believe

If you don’t want to, I don’t care

All I know is, the truth is out there

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

You can’t judge a person by their face

A person can be many behind their familiar visage

A person of good will or an evil doer at large

No one knows the truth in them, not everything they know

So when someone who is kind to you, to another it isn’t so

A face can have so many forms, depending on who you are

To one they are a devil from the depths of Hell, to you a wondrous star

So when others try to defame the one you love, always remember this

That love isn’t always truth and kindness and ignorance isn’t bliss

But do not put down the truth-sayer when you hear things that may not feel right

Because you don’t know the blamed one in both their darkness and their light

You can’t tell who someone is, not everyone’s a book

You can’t judge a person by their face; there are things you will overlook

People change in the shades of time, people grow old and wise

Some become more stupid, others will surprise

But just because you love someone, do not be blind to truth

Always listen with an opened mind, a good heart try to accept the truth

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

A dying spirit

I need to get this off my chest, I apologise if the following becomes a long-winded rant and it is not my intention.

But I simply can’t do it anymore – I cannot live up to other people’s expectations and other peoples idea of what is or is not morally correct or what is or is not true; Everything that I talk about regarding my current life and my past are all true in my eyes, but a lot of people will deny that it is the truth and I can understand why they would lie about that – they are trying to socially protect themselves because they treated me wrong and don’t want the ramifications of how others may perceive them for it.  I appreciate their feelings on this, but I won’t hide the truth, I won’t keep deleting things just because the truth fucking hurts them, they never take into account how much their actions have hurt me so why the fuck am I so bloody accommodating to them?

I have rights too, I have a right to express myself anyway I blooming need to in order to heal.  Living a life of quiet pacification is literally killing me as a person and me as an artist/writer.

Living the life that my previous abusers want me to, is killing the person that I am in every way shape and form that a person can be!

I took on this blog back in winter of 2012 purely as to act as a form of therapy for myself as recommended by my therapist, he suggested I talk freely about everything I want to regarding my life, he recommended that I also use it to bring back the creative person I was again.  It worked until some people found out a few things about my mum they never knew before and they like defensive little minions went and told her and defended her and grouped up on me via telephone and emails to hound me to tell everybody who reads my blog that everything I said was a lie.  They wanted me to lie about the truth I told – they demanded then that I go to London again and at a family gathering literally grovel for my mother’s forgiveness in front of them!  I am quite serious about what I just said; they did demand this of me!

Every time I say something about them on my blog, I do run the risk of anyone in my family still sticking around to read what I am saying, relaying and potentially getting telephone calls and emails again, which is why I had to change the telephone number and we are considering moving because of this, because I can’t be silent anymore.  I need to express everything I have gone through and I feel it is my calling to help others who have gone through the same coercive upbringing as I have, by talking about my past.  A coercion that I was raised in is quite unusual but not unheard of and many people who have experienced this kind of abuse rarely talk about it, because of how violent a large amount of people can get if they hear of it.  You see it is usually lead by one individual who has a large social circle who will act like posse to reign in the abused child if they start getting out of hand or rather, start becoming independent and so-called rebellious to their clique ideologies. 

It rather like living with a mafia minded family with an extended social circle of friends all of whom think alike, like a big extended hive mind. 

This kind of abuse is hard to deal with for a lot of therapists; I have never found one who has been able to help me.  They all suggest that various people of whom have taken a part in controlling me should go and see them, but who the fuck will go up to their abusers and say “you know what?  My therapist wants to see you as I seem relatively stable in comparison to you guys”.  Lol – no one is going to do that and the therapist appreciates that for safety reasons it is probably best not to suggest it.

You know how badly the revelation to my mother has affected me? 

I became for a long time now, primarily a poet who occasionally dips into abstract impressionistic paintings, because I have been scared to talk about anything anymore.  I have even been told that some of my novels I used to write, that the family often used to read, that they see now that some of the things in my fiction work could actually be based on my supposed “poor abused childhood fantasy life”, to a certain extent a few of the themes in my stories are based on my own personal experiences, but I understand enough to know what is true and what isn’t.  That is my fiction.  The stuff I talk about regarding my life is TRUE and I state this quite clearly, the message has not been mixed!

Because I am struggling to appease my abusers so they don’t come back into my life in an aggressive way, I have almost ignored a lot of my creative expression via words and non-fiction posts.  This has led to me becoming so severely depressed that it is affecting my health badly.  I have a lot of problem with mobility of the whole of my left side of the body and I have extreme insomnia and hypersomnia – what I mean is, I can’t sleep for like 30 hours and then when I do I can’t wake up for 15 hours and sleeping comes randomly at any time and once I feel just a tiny bit tired, it is almost like I have collapsed into a coma.  Nobody can wake me up, not even Henry having a tantrum on the bed next to me; it is like I have died!  Quite often, the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is “I hope I die in my sleep – I don’t want to wake up, I don’t like the burden of my memories”.

My appetite is dead, I only eat when extremely hungry now and it is usually just one meal per day and around the side of a sandwich, coincidentally I am losing a huge amount of weight pretty quickly and my hair is around 60% white now.

To say the suppressors are literally killing me by using my own mind against me is an understatement.  I find no joy in anything anymore.  Everything about the sweet, bubbly, fun, obedient, passive, quiet, little Tina everybody once knew is dead.

In trying to force me to be their idea of perfect instead they have made me their idea of a waste of space.

For my health and sanity sake I have to heal the only way I know how.  So I am taking a risk, if they get back into my life again somehow, so be it, I am ready for the repercussions because the alternative is death anyway.  I am going to die someday anyway, why is sooner no better than later?  Would I rather die in secret of how I died and be a mystery to all who knew me forever, or do I want to die in a way where other people can understand me and understand my situation and perhaps, just maybe, stop this from happening to other people?

I know which one I have picked.

The thing is – before they interfered and demanded me to delete and shut up, I was only sharing what I thought was the minor stuff, the stuff that isn’t too big to shout about.  The stuff that is easy for my readers to digest – but now they’ve done this, maybe it is time for the real big stuff, the stuff that makes my therapists cry?  That stuff I kept to myself, that stuff I never revealed and I don’t think people like my big brother, understand there is an even darker side to our mother, than even he realises!

I don’t like talking about that stuff, because I hate remembering the really, dark, dark stuff, but how I express it here, sometimes it comes out sub consciously through my abstract impressionistic art and the images I paint are also not easy to digest for a lot of people.

But I think it is time to just be me in every way shape and form and not hide from myself anymore.  I can’t.  Shutting me away in every way possible is suffocating my spirit and body to death, I need to free myself and that makes taking big scary risks!

Because I am pretty damned sure, since November, my body and spirit is preparing to die.  I am convinced of it and I need to stop this process – not for me, but for my boy.  I care only for him, not these coercive “I have a problem with your life and truth” assholes!  No one can have a bigger problem with my life and truth than ME!  Get over yourselves you control FREAKS!

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

World’s hidden monsters

There is a monster that lurks within everyone

Sometimes you will find them and it will strike you dumb

Especially those that you love and trust

The discovery is unwanted because it’s always unjust

You think you know someone

You know them well

But they have dark secrets within them as well

We all do my dear

Don’t you lie to me!

Everyone has secrets

You just don’t see

You can’t know everything, the truths or the lies

You just have to wonder and realise

You aren’t with the person 24/7

If you were my dear surely you’d be in heaven?

So, what is the reason you fight for the monsters?

What is the reason pray tell?

Is it because in your deepest of hearts, you would be like them as well?

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry