Tag Archives: toxic

Once again

Sometimes things get awkward

Sometimes things get hard

Sometimes you can’t talk about them

Because talking can get you barred

There’s an awkward situation

And it’s getting quite bad

It’s getting very toxic here

I’m feeling very sad

Once they used to love me

Now they want me gone

They use to care about everything

I don’t know what’s gone wrong

But I know that something

Isn’t quite right

And I have to sit alone and wonder about my plight

This house is seeped in tension

Snappiness and snipes

There’s a lot of angry tension

Here every night

Is there any wonder, why I can’t write?

When things are getting worse than this

Like I know they might?

I try to keep away from them

And shut myself away

But its not healthy living likes this

Every single day

No one to break the tension

No one to hear me talk

I wish it was easier for me to walk

Trapped in a bubble of apprehension

No way to ease the tension

Not a single soul knows or cares

About any of my fears and scares

But I try to plod on

and try so hard

not to moan and be on guard

For things are not turning out nice

And the change in him cuts and slice

How can someone change so much?

Be best friends then out of touch?

He was the one who wanted me gone

Yet he has turned it on me because I walk on

Am I the one to blame for this?

Am I so hard on him?

When I was happy to remain

Till he dumped me on a whim…

I’m so confused at how he’s changed

And why we’ve come to this

I left one toxic pot for another

And once again I drown in piss

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Filed under poetry

I need a purpose

I am going to update my twitter feed only when I have written towards a novel project in excess of 500 words in a day; because lately that’s a feat in itself, because of the problems going on.  

Poems are fine, they are short and they sweet and I generally can write a poem in ten minutes, but long bouts of concentration is not reachable for me at the moment with the stuff going on in the house.

Ultimately a lot of the stuff is mainly quarrels between Paul and Henry; I am not involved because if I speak, it makes it worse.  I am just like the piggy in the middle sitting there absorbing this toxic energy feeling helpless and it is affecting my thinking processes.

I am also finding it hard to have my privileges respected, the privilege of watching TV or listening to music – nobody cares what mama wants in this house, mama has to always go without! 

Mama is easily forgotten here, even regarding food treats, which is why I have to ask sometimes, or I don’t get.  Easily forgotten!  Because I don’t have access to household funds, so this mama doesn’t do the shopping!  That’s how it is here.

I can’t clean the house, because Paul worries I am overdoing it, although I am good.  But he won’t hear of it. 

I can’t mediate between their arguments, because they shout louder to drown me out as they are two powerhouses battling each other and the little diplomatic me just gets washed out. 

You can see why I feel I have no purpose, can’t you? 

I mean what I am here for?  I don’t get to do anything, just sit on my ass all day trying to be creative and trying to not to crack.  It’s lonely here and is there any wonder why suicide looks so appealing for me?

If I had a purpose, I know I wouldn’t feel this way.  But everything I could possibly have to live for has been taken from me.  It was great when I had my garden, until the bad neighbour moved in.  Now I don’t even have that anymore!

I can’t shut myself out in the garden for hours until it gets dark in all weathers just to feel needed by the plants and wildlife, because I am getting harassed and Paul hasn’t the wherewithal to defend me or say something to the guy! The garden is overgrown nearly by 3yrs now.

It’s just all one big disgusting mess here! 

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Home and Family