Tag Archives: technology

The airheads future

I don’t want my blog to become too predictable, so I thought I would spread out my influence posts over a couple of weeks – Paul felt that perhaps I should do them every day for a week, but I felt that would bore people; let me know if I was wrong, please.

I will be discussing a lot more about how I think and feel about many artists and writers works in the future of this blog, whilst still maintaining poetry, writing updates and maybe the odd short story now and again to entertain you.

I am preparing myself for two things over the next coming months; my deadline of October 21st or thereabouts as my first step into contacting an author’s agent to look for representation for my series project AD and the other thing is learning how to start a YouTube channel for just after Christmas.

I have been planning a YouTube channel for nearly three years now and to be perfectly honest I am more than a little nervous about it, because I am not very body confident.

Paul said there are lots of YouTube channels where you don’t see the person videoing, but I know it wouldn’t work for me in what I want to do though. 

My blog is just about me, my life, my hobbies and my journey into becoming a fulltime successful creative, either as a writer or artist or if I am really lucky – both!  I have even thought about doing an occasional review of the books I like and maybe even shopping hauls once I get a bit more confident.

Why so much for one channel?  I am easily bored and it will help me find out more about what people enjoy about me, then I may open up more channels to be more specific with each different thing.

I am very new to all of this and I am not technologically savvy, I have had a very sheltered and socially isolated life, so one of my main concerns is coming across as an air head who is all over the place… although me being an air head that is all over the place is true, I don’t want to be known for it, if you get me? 

I am laughing at the irony of what I have just said, but there you go, maybe I should just relax and be happy about being an air head, eh?

Happy reading!

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Working things out

My goal for sending my work out to look for representation in October is still on the cards!  I am determined to do this, but I do feel that I am a little stupid for it.

Not that I don’t think I can do it, I know I can!  But what makes me feel stupid is the fact that these neurological problems seem to be getting worse, far worse…

Motor Neurone runs in my family, but my GP thinks I could have MS.  Yesterday (the 16th August, as this is a pre-written piece), I was standing for a couple of minutes talking to Paul, then I took just one step to get nearer to him and my leg went floppy and I injured my toes and the muscles in the whole of my right foot.  This happens or rather something similar to this has happened off and on for about five years, but never to that extent!

For example, I’d be walking and then momentarily my knees lose strength and almost give way – never actually making me fall, but having near misses.

Along with this, for the past year now I have been having language difficulties.  For the first time since my childhood my stammer has come back and sometimes my lisp, something I thought I got rid of entirely when I was fifteen!

Along with this I am making very elementary spelling mistakes.  Mistaking things a lot even in speech as well as typing them; here are some example:

Wake becomes walk

Book becomes Brock

Lesson becomes lessen

Alright becomes all write

Those are just some examples of what is happening in speech occasionally and this is why, I can’t write on a laptop unless pushed – my laptop is laggy, in fact I don’t get to see what I have typed until the second or third paragraph!

It may not be neurological, but I am scared it is; it could just be stress and lack of concentration because I live in a household where my son and partner scream rather than talk to each other!

Motor neurone has taken the lives of two aunts on my father’s side of the family and my grandad and is ruining the lives of two cousins.

My legs and arms often wake me up at night as they randomly go numb and dead and cannot be used, Paul is struggling with sleep because he has to help rub life back into them again, so I can move!

It’s very scary!

The idea I had of getting independence may literally only be a dream, I may never get the independence I want, because of things like this!

The days I don’t write is not because I can’t be bothered, because I want to write almost all of the time!  But the problem comes when some days my shoulders don’t have the strength to lift my arms enough to be able to type.   Writing by hand is ok if I don’t write more than two A4 sheets worth of stuff, before my hand swells, as I do have rheumatic arthritis!

Paul has been trying to save up for months now to get something called DRAGON where I can speak my ideas onto the computer, so I can write on my bad days – but we’re not even halfway in the savings for that yet – not to mention I desperately need a new desktop PC as my one is not coping since the heatwave!

It’s all scary.  I have these dreams of being a writer/screenwriter and brainstorming for movies and TV series with people eventually, but really my body may let me down and I hate disappointing people.

My intentions are good, my heart is in it and I am raring to go, but my body has other ideas!

Paul and I understand that I have muscle wasting problems with the arthritis and we’ve found a diet to help prevent further muscle wasting, but again, we don’t have the budget for that as we are literally classed as a disadvantaged family here in the UK and often receive charity help.

I am too proud to think about crowdfunding like the lady from a charity has said we should consider, not only that but we’re worried about whether it could be classed as a gift or is it taxable?

Anyways, I am not happy with doing that!

But what I have been thinking about is offering services online soon which will help pay for it, through Patreon perhaps, but as long as it is not glorified begging, I am ok with it!

I have thought about using Patreon to sell short stories to those who donate through it – other options are selling short stories through Fiver or setting up Ebooks on Amazon.

We’re going to figure it out!

I am happy that in other ways, my health is stabilising, that is my breathing, my energy levels, my digestive problems and psoriasis as well as my mental health – all that seems to be stabilising, though it could just be just a long remission – hope not!

So I can then plan to think about doing things outside of the house more; such as, I really miss being involved with amateur dramatics and prop making and I miss volunteer work!

I really miss the musical theatres in particular!

Paul and loads of other people have been trying to encourage me to consider singing as a career, but I am not happy with it as a full-time career as it can be very arduous on your voice overall; they also believe I could be really successful as a voice over, but I have pushed against that as a career a lot, much to the chagrin of American friends who work for radio, one in Kentucky the other in Nevada!

I wasn’t even swayed with a $250 an hour promise.  Are voice actors really worth that much?  If so, wow!  But I didn’t want to move to Nevada and this was offered to me when I was pregnant with Henry and we didn’t experience this kind of poverty back then, had it been offered now, we might consider it – not sure, we’re attached to our little village!

Paul has a three hundred year history in this village that Henry is proud of continuing!

I had thought about selling my voice on fiver, but I am not sure how all of that yet.  Need to do some research into that – but at the moment my writing is priority.

I’ll keep you updated soon about things.

Happy reading!

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PC semi-fried

My desktop PC seems to have got semi fried over the extreme heatwave we’ve had here in the UK, despite my efforts to place a fan at it to help it cool down.

I do have a laptop however, but that is not my preferred method of writing, because it lags when I am typing – the laptop doesn’t like ninety words per minute and the “s” button often gets stuck and needs to be double clicked most of the time!

The lag is so bad that I am usually halfway through the second paragraph when the computer actually starts making the former words appear.

I also make more typos on a laptop than I do on my desktop, so my writing slows down by a little more than half when I do it on a laptop.

It’s making me rather moody.

I am harsh on myself when I have set a goal and things like this just makes me inconsolable.

Happy reading!

P.S if my grandad was alive he’d be ninety nine today!

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Books saved me from crime

I haven’t been raised to be who I am, I was raised to be something quite different and I fought against that system heartily because it felt wrong, corrupt and somewhat evil.

I read ferociously, reading was my weapons against self-destruction.

I am glad I took the quiet path and found solace within the pages of books – because the other path would have been a huge detriment to myself, my life, any offspring I had and perhaps a loss of art from my perspective – because the alternative path would have been a life of sordid means and running away from problems, skipping town to town to avoid being tracked by my past abusers and potentially I would have followed one of my older siblings into a life of crime.

Instead the path I took was a weird one, for the type of family I was raised in.

My mother often told me she was disappointed that I appeared to be some kind of flake, some kind of weird little creature who sat in dark corners reading books and seemed alien to what she said was a normal person’s idea of fun!

So what did my mother think was a normal person’s idea of fun?  Going out Friday and Saturday nights drinking themselves into a stupor with your friends, gorging on take aways and BBQs wherever possible and bothering the doctor about your strange back pain, without telling your doctor that you recently fell off a balcony with an 8ft drop because you were too drunk to realise what you were doing!  Oh but that’s not all, pick on the quietest person in your group and make them do things they’d never do without your cajoling and bullying – oh such fun!

Then on Sundays spend all day cleaning the house whilst worshipping God in the form of watching biblical movies in dead silence. 

If it wasn’t for books I would have successfully ran away by the age of fourteen, I knew at that age the only people who’d help me on the street were the bad kind and I was near enough prepared for it because I needed a way out.  I knew from past experiences of other women in my life that once you are in that kind of life, it is hard to get out of it, but I very nearly took that chance.  Thought that maybe I’d earn my way out, but you never do.  The big kick which knocked sense into me was that I had a cousin who had the same notion – only she had the guts to actually do it and came back home in tears, black and blue and with a new found drug addiction only a year older than me, she didn’t know, like I did back then, that it’s not only sex they get you into for money, but drugs too and in order to sell it, you have to take it yourself like a good sales person.

Fifteen years down the line, it killed my cousin. She was murdered when she was clean of drugs for nearly 2yrs as an effort to win her kids back from welfare and stumbled across her old dealer who was desperate for her to buy again! It could have been me, if I chose the same path.

Drugs was a big issue for me, because I saw the damage it did to several of our relatives growing up, drink and drugs are bad, very bad, it changes people heads, make them do stupid things and then they fall apart in tears because they genuinely didn’t meant to ram your head into the wall fifteen times, they were just stressed that’s all!  So I never wanted to experiment or be lead into it.  Several near misses though of people trying to sneak it into me, but I was paranoid around strangers and never accepted food or drink from anyone just in case!

No, after what happened to my cousin I decided to stay as the quiet one of the family, lock myself away in my room because if I didn’t, I’d usually end up the night’s entertainment!

They treated me like a circus freak, something to poke fun out of, to test, experiment with, to scare, to have a laugh with her, see what she’ll do next, like some kind of trained monkey or puppet.

Despite all of this, they still had the audacity to call themselves god fearing Christians!

If it weren’t for books, I wouldn’t have wanted to be a writer.  Because I thought movies were just movies, people playing pretend and they made something good together; it didn’t occur to me until I watched several Stephen King movies with my horror loving grandma that I kept seeing in the credits “written by Stephen King” over and over again in most of the movies I watched.  I knew when I went to markets and charity shops that Stephen King books were everywhere and I decided to collect and read them at the age of 9.

My grandma was very encouraging – another horror fan in the family made her feel less lonely.

I realised at the age of nine most books I liked were movies and that movies very rarely come from other places; I liked movies and I wanted to watch my ideas on the TV or at the cinema.  I wanted the world to visually see what I see in my head or at least adaptions of it.

Books are a love – but mostly I love movies, I am very stimulated by vision and art.  I learn better with visual cues for example – I have mild dyslexia and dyscalculia as well as ADD and Paul thinks ADHD.  If something visually pulls me, I lose concentration on other things because of the interest it holds.  This can be difficult at times because I can zone out on people if I find something visually attractive about the environment around us, fashion, hair, or even a beautiful person – now that one can be awkward!

So, I am really writing in the hope that my books make it to the movies and if they don’t then I have a plan B.  I will give my first book out to publication and if there is no interest from movie producers to make something of it, then I will have to bore myself to tears to learn technology where I can create my own movies online.  How?  I don’t know, but I hope it won’t come to that!

One major type of book that saved me from a life of sex crime etc. was non-fiction psychology.  From the age of 9 I taught myself how to pacify aggressive people without becoming too submissive or self-deprecating, how best to react in violent situations and how to talk to angry people.

Now it works to a certain extent on a vast majority of people and I have been commended in work for excellent customer service and hospitality skills, but there is a small margin where the advice can actually make some people more aggressive with you – my mother is one of those.

If I didn’t emotionally react to her behaviour with me, she’d get absolutely hysterical, come close into my face screaming and then slap me repeatedly about the head, because damn it, she is going to get the reaction she wants because she needs to feel her power over me!  Because she is insecure, that’s all, my fear and tears make her happy, because it verifies to her that she is strong and she is still alpha.

It wasn’t until my mastoid surgery when I was seventeen that she was positively shitting a brick about hitting me, because I have a vulnerable spot at the side of the head would could be lethal if bashed.  So she tried other tactics to hurt me in other ways, usually the legs.

In 2012 it was a book called “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward that helped me finally tell someone outside of the family and family friend circle about my mother.  They responded in horror, they were a nursery worker for my son Henry.  They got me a nurse and a family support worker to come and speak with me and then the police came to give advice too.  Unfortunately their advice was, get her out of your life or it may affect your ability to care for your son appropriately, meaning that we could take court proceedings to put your son into care until we feel that you are safe!

Because my son did sustain a head injury earlier on that month due to my mother encouraging him to do dangerous things, such as deliberately climbing onto the dining room table to jump off it onto the floor, he was 14 months old and had only been walking seven weeks!

She didn’t want me to have children, you see, it wasn’t part of her plans.  She wanted me to stay home forever and become her nurse when she is old; she told me this over and over as I was growing up.  I accepted it, because it’s what daughters do, but mothers tend to want their daughters to thrive, be independent and happy in their own right too and usually good mothers want their daughters to expand their family, don’t they?

She didn’t.  She didn’t want what she called “more problems” that came in the form of new family members – she didn’t want me to go out alone and make friends, because she liked to micromanage my every waking moment.  It was hard for her to allow me to go into full-time work and she’d often sit in her car all day long outside my work place waiting to see what happens, if I leave early etc.

On some occasions I was ten minutes late in leaving the building because my boss required extra work, my mother would embarrass me by making a visit to the building demanding to know where her daughter is and how they can’t push me around into doing more than my times worth!

I often lost jobs because of her.

Because I knew how she liked to micromanage me and because I wanted to be a good daughter and keep my head down and please her the best I could, until I could convince her to allow me freedom and a family of my own – I decided to talk with her about me becoming self-employed with homework of some description, there was always an issue for her and that never worked.  Because she would become obnoxious when I was on the telephone (up until 2015 I had perfect hearing in the left ear), so keeping those jobs was a task too.

She revelled in telling people about how lazy I was, how she is stuck with a quiet reclusive freak of nature that is eating or starving herself to death periodically and has no enthusiasm for life whatsoever.  Not true, I had no enthusiasm for the life she wanted for me.

I had a lot of ambition until I gave up wanting.

When I was twenty seven I left her to move in with Paul, it was done sneakily but I had to do it that way.  By thirty I had to stop all contact with her, because she is a respected matriarch in the family that meant I had to say goodbye to everyone except for a small handful of relatives on my dad’s side of the family.

She would never know or appreciate that all I ever wanted in my life was for me to be considered a daughter that was good enough to stick around and help as much as I did.  Good enough to trust out alone, good enough to get chores done, good enough to deserve a good husband and family of her own and good enough and trustworthy enough to be humane enough to want to care for her mother if she ever needed it.  I didn’t need to be moulded and abused to do that, but she didn’t understand and I don’t think she really cares.

Because I messaged her in 2014, two years after not speaking to her and I said to her – I am willing to forgive and forget everything about the past, if she is willing to tell the truth to others about how my life was like and repair my reputation in the family and secondly I’d come back into her life if she could allow me to take full charge of my own life because after all I am a woman of thirty now with my own child – she said no, she won’t do that.

I said well just give me permission to live life how I want and I will work it out with the others myself.  No, she said, I won’t do that Tina, because I don’t agree you know what is best for you and as far as I am concerned, you don’t need that permission really, what are you playing at exactly?!

So I said to her – are you telling me then that I have got you wrong?  That you’ve always allowed me to make my own decisions and you never intended to interfere?  No she said – I never said that and you know what Tina, this is the end of the conversation.  I leave the ball in your court, come or go as you please, but I won’t change – I stand by the fact that you haven’t a clue about life and that you are a stupid, stupid girl and as far as I am concerned I wish you never have any more children, you made a stupid mistake when you decided to keep that one! (This was in reference to my Henry who was planned and is very much loved)!

I also wanted to point out, that the message came about because I wanted to tell my mother that I was hospitalised with an ectopic pregnancy and how my plans for a large family could be over and I was feeling suicidal over it – because all I wanted in life was to be a mother of a large brood.

Books have helped me heal from that too… books are magic aren’t they?

Thanks for reading! 

P.S my idea of fun is… picnics or eating out at buffets or country pubs with a large group of family or friends, rowing on a lake, visiting a zoo, playing with dogs, doing messy arts and crafts with kids and playing pretend with my creative and kooky friends, oh and swimming, I love swimming and gardening or being in a beautiful garden that isn’t overlooked! That’s the light side of me… there is a dark side too… What does that part of me like?

Once again friends or family around me, snuggling down with a horror movie – watching thunderstorms, creeping people out, telling a good story, having sex and generally being my weird self!

And guess what!  No drink and drugs for any of that is there? Well, erm, maybe the pub lunch eh?

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Technology and specie inclusivity

I like to read from time to time cyberpunk books, so how comes up until recently I have been a luddite?

Although I have read cyberpunk books, bio-punk books and such the likes, I read them with a dim view.  I enjoy those books, but I lived in fear of technology taking over, like it has in many of those books!

I saw those books as a warning sign!

A flag up for society a shout out of do and doom!

Dramatic I know!

But forearmed is forewarned, that was my philosophy anyhow!

You are beginning to see now that I am a frightened creature, a creature that is easily made tensed and living with a sense of perpetual panic… about mostly everything!

You’d be right in thinking I a prepper, because I was a girl guide “be prepared” was our motto too you know!

But just because I read books, doesn’t mean I am very smart in everything.  My intelligence lies with literature in general, languages, the environment, animal welfare and social sciences – not technology!

You can’t learn much from the average cyberpunk and bio-punk novel, other than developing a sense of fear or excitement over it.  It doesn’t tell you how to use twitter set up an YT channel and upload pictures on Instagram.  I wish it did, but there you go!

But I still stand with how deeply concerned I am that as society is progressing to becoming more and more cyber oriented, we are not increasing our understanding of nature and working designs out to be more wildlife inclusive.

Really, you’d think that as we’re now so technologically and scientifically advanced these days that we’d have developed cities akin to the Venus Project and that more cities, especially in the 2020’s would look like Singapore or better versions of it!

But lo and behold… no!

We’re still making concrete coffins to cover the land, it’s spreading like a virus and I don’t like it!  It’s not pretty and it’s certainly not healthy!

You know this technology is amazing and it really can be a much more amazing thing if we think outside the box and thought more inclusively about nature.  Never before has humanity bragged its sense of inclusiveness so dramatically as it has now, but failed to include other species within the spectrum of inclusivity.

Until we do so, maybe then, we will find alien life as they will know that humanity isn’t speciesist!  That should be a new word in the dictionary – speciesist, meaning disrespect of other species and anti-biomutualist. 

It’s something to consider.

It’s something also that is mentioned a lot in my books!

Specie inclusivity, bio-mutualism and so forth; why not?  Hardly anyone has touched on the subject to the degree I have.  Except of course, our precious David Attenborough, and to me he is a precious member of human society that if bio-technology needs to save one human in the world from death, it is him!  Forever may he live!

Thanks for reading!

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Truth of a luddite

Where the blazes have you been woman?  I suppose that is something you all have been thinking since learning about my forays into technology?

Truth is, I rebelled against my much older brother for years as he demanded that I learn everything about technology and be a techno-head like him.  I pushed against the idea that technology really will drown the old world out and replace it to such an extent that money will eventually become extinct for cyber points instead etc.

We’re close to that kind of society now and it is a sobering thought, because as much as I pushed against it, I am being dragged in by the tidal wave of millions of people who are going in for all of that!

I really believed that more and more people will think like me, drag themselves away from the zombie mind-sets of technology and run for the hills to save the environment from the onslaught of iron, plastic and wires and being pounded by invisible waves of energy because they’ll see the damage it is doing.

I’m sad to say they haven’t and it’s been a long time.

Where have I been indeed?

The honest answer is curled up with a book in the corner of a room, until the bad neighbour came, I would venture into my garden growing everything organically and in permaculture style and trying my best to stick to traditional life.

But I want a writing career and I am not going to be that successful in it, without all the technological stuff. 

Though learning it is fun, I still learn it with pangs of guilt that I am not being true to myself – my nature – my environment and beliefs.

I just wished that technological advancement was more environmentally friendly, healthy and inclusive with nature; instead of drowning out the sounds of nature to the extent the birds are going deaf to each other because of human noise and infrasound.

I want to be trendy like other people, knowing all the new gadgetry off by heart and going with the flow, but I also crave the old ways – the self-sufficiency, the living at one with nature, not fighting with it for space and resources.

This is what I have been struggling with for nearly two decades and I am giving in, I am giving in like all the other millions of people around the world have – but I hope that I still hold true to some traditional ways in spite of this.

I’m not an Amish, but for years I have come close to being like one.  Gardening in traditional ways, no electrical tools, no poisons like pesticides and herbicides, walking barefoot in the garden, knee deep in soil and eating fruit straight from the bushes and trees without thought;  I don’t really want to change that much and I am likely not to.

But I like having a social media presence.

I know I am quiet, but I am one of these strange people in the world who don’t like to talk unless I have something to say or that I feel the words that come out of my mouth have to have some kind of meaning… I don’t like engaging in very negative conversations or gossip, so this makes me an anomaly to many.

I don’t follow people just because they’ve followed me, I have to like what they have to say, I have to connect somehow – if I don’t, I won’t follow, because I don’t believe in boosting a person’s ego and presence, unless there is something about them I like. 

Why?  Because I am old fashioned, I believe your connections represent who you are as a person and if I connect with the wrong kind of person, because I don’t really know who they are, then that could be damaging to me.

I think this is something that is wrong with social media; people don’t understand that association can affect your own reputation.  It might not be like that these days, but to me it still stands.

These are what have made me hold back with technology a bit.

But I am open to change; I am not that stubborn or stupid.

But I do have a big hang up on my looks, I believe I am hideous and I struggle on an emotional level to share photographs of myself.

But I have to get used to it.

It’s the way of the world now.

I am not happy in my own skin and I would appreciate some love as I have had way too much abuse and negativity in my life, that it’s darkened me as a person, my light is almost going out – I need to regain my spark.  It went years ago.

I am very apprehensive online and I make loads of mistakes when trying to chat with people, by sending posts before they’ve finished etc.

Thanks for reading!

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All this techno stuff

I was a luddite, but since learning stuff about technology lately and embracing that it is a large part of everyone’s life nowadays, I have learned to like it more.

Even more importantly, I have learned what the heck I am supposed to be doing online with all this techno stuff!

I have been learning how to make banners for my websites and how to post pictures and videos, I intend to start a YouTube channel by the end of the year – so I am learning all of that.  My son Henry is helping me a lot with this, because he is learning website design and programming, because he wants me to be the coolest creative mum on YouTube, or should that be YT?  See, I am even starting to learn the choppy down speech people use on social media, or is that called text speech?

I’m learning from my son, this stuff is amazing and I was scared of it… it seems laughable now, but it is tragic that someone who is turning forty in October has the technological mind-set of an average eighty year old!  I need upgrading!

Oh my God, the Cyber-men are coming for me!

Thanks for reading… I hope the upgrade won’t be a painful experience?

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The end is nigh… or is it?

Yes I know I am a bit behind of the times, but I still can’t help but be excited about my discovery of the existence of a back-up system called Cloud.

For days now I have been moving my files into the cloud and have used more than a third of the free space it offers and I am still not finished – at least not all of the things on my computer are just stories, there are family pictures and videos too!  Things that would have been lost if my computer just suddenly broke down – so far there is 5gb of photos and videos and a further 1gb of my writing!

A lot of my writing had been stored for years and years – no actually… decades on floppy disks and those little USB gadget things.

You have no idea how ecstatic I am to have this!

Because, I am getting stuff from old computers too!  Soon – Paul has found a man who can save all those old files from my dead computers to then move onto my cloud… I have no idea how that’s going to work, but Paul is sure the man thinks it to be easy!

Not only that but a lot of my hand written notes have got damaged over the years due to people not being careful with my stuff!  I am careful with my stuff, but the klutzes I live with regularly bump into my piles of boxes and knock them over and sometimes just leave them there on the floor dripping their drinks onto the papers below!

I wouldn’t mind so much but I have a disability where bending down to pick things up is difficult because of pain and swelling I have in the spleen and don’t mention the permanent dizzy spells I get since I had my mastoid removed when I was seventeen!

So naturally, I feel inclined to try and type out my handwritten notes an hour a day until they are saved on the cloud too… but I am running out of space and I am nowhere near finished saving stuff.

I write a lot – Paul thinks I have inherited something from whatever created Barbara Cartland as she is (according to my grandmother) a fifth or sixth cousin!  What is so funny about that is I too have an obsession with a colour – the colour purple, though with black and white zebra patterns and polka dots and cerise injected there too, I am not as obsessed as she was!

The thing is the – finishing… I can never decide on which end I like best for a story!

A lot of my work I am finding from floppy disks literally dates back to 1997 and the following years!

It has been a revelation of how my work has developed and personally I would say that my oldest work is better than my newer ones.

It seems that education has ruined me.

What a lot of people do not understand is that for me, I am never NOT writing and I am never NOT thinking about what I will write next!  I am completely absorbed in my make believe worlds.

I have had too many people tell me it’s not healthy!

But I can’t help it, because it heals me mentally.  I have had a lot of unusual, aggressive events happen to me on such a regular basis I have been told by a normal psychiatrist that they cannot help me, because I have experienced such similar traumas as those who have served time at war.  Basically I need a military psychiatrist, but being a civilian who has never been in the military they are not available to me.

I also found out since moving these files into cloud, that my estimate of seventy nine stories on the go is wrong, it far exceeds that number and I haven’t finished discovering more!

When I say I am going to seriously write from now onwards, it isn’t that I haven’t been writing for a while, it means that I intend to focus on one particular project until it has finished! 

Finishing is a huge problem for me, because I am frightened of it.  I am scared because it is like I have killed every character in the book by finishing the story… or at least made them feel neglected by me as their god!

It’s a weird thing, you probably wouldn’t understand…

I am afraid of it because it also means that I may want to write the story again with a different ending or different scenes, but keeping the same characters and I am frightened of boring potential readers with semi rehashes.

I came to a conclusion last month that perhaps my stories should be considered as part of a vast multiverse sort of thing; that it is perhaps OK to mention the same characters in various stories and they don’t necessarily have to be the main protagonist all the while… I mean, it works for major comics and other writers… but then I struggle with the concept of whether or not I am that clever enough to do this?

Then I sit back and remind myself that I do this with my vampire series, what is so different about doing the same thing with my general fantasy or horror books too?

Then I argue with myself about how those books are meant to be standalones or a particular series that is poles apart from the other works… and then I get nowhere again!

So I totter on, typing my stories, rehashing things and saving things and worrying about whether or not I have wasted people’s time with the notion of ever getting anything finished?

It makes things worse when someone close to me tells me; yes you might have actually…

Gee thanks!

I am going through the process of letting go…

Trying to learn how to be happy with the end!

But the idea of an “end” terrifies me!

So there we have it… an author who is terrified of dedicating an end to her work!

So how do we handle that?

We choose to make our endings open ended but satisfying, that’s what we will do!  But which bits should make the end?  It’s a hard decision but my son Henry suggested that I should put my ideas down on a big wheel and let the wheel decide for me, so that’s what I am doing!

If it works, who is to judge?

So, yes, my work is going to end based on the big wheel of decisions from a website called wheelofnames.com it’s also good for helping me decide who dies next in my  stories!

Anyway… exciting stuff is the cloud… I hope younger writers appreciate how much easier their lives are today for storing their work than it was when I was younger… Cor blimey I sound ancient, I am only turning forty in October! 

Thanks for reading!

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I’ve peaked out of the rock…

Recently I have been researching how to back up my writing work, because lo and behold since the demise of the floppy disc I haven’t done so for 16yrs!  Shock and horror!

I am slow to technology.

I distrust it.

Anyhow, after intense research lasting nearly two years I have decided to trust a cloud thing.

It’s a nifty invention… as many of you obviously knew before I did!

Well, as I said, I am not very smart technologically and it can take me months to get used to a new gadget or thing…

I mean, I have had Instagram for years and never added a pic to it because I don’t know how… do I need to do it via a mobile phone?  I don’t know!

But that’s another thing I am researching!

So anyway, for the past week I have been making blogging posts to schedule in case I am ill after my surgery and I am also adding lots and lots of files to my new found cloud!

So far it has taken me five days to shift 800mb of novels to the cloud and I am not even halfway yet and this is not including any handwritten notes either that I will also type up to store online!

As I said, I have a lot of work on the go at the same time!  Some finished and many unfinished – the finished works I am not happy with!

I am a huge fusspot.

Everything has to be perfect; I am very OCD and a nightmare to live with!

I’m excited about the cloud because I just learned not only is it a backup and that you can’t lose it unless of course the cloud shuts down or gets hacked… but, you can also access all your work through other computers, meaning if your computer goes bust you can use your laptop and go to the library computers and borrow the computer of your friend or relative and it is like you’ve lost nothing… it’s pretty great!

One of the main things which have been stopping me from writing is my environment… I am stuck in a room and I have to go to that room to a computer that takes twenty minutes to warm up, because that is where most of my work is! 

Not anymore!

Well, not after the entire shift onto cloud!  Because now, now I am free!  It’s exciting and makes me feel limitless!

I can now take my laptop to bed with me and access my work from the cloud whenever I like, I can also take this laptop with me to a park or a café and write there in peace, without interruptions from Henry when it is school holidays!

Basically I have no excuse now not to do the work!

So liberating!

I am excited!

You should be too, because my productivity is just going to soar now!  I was writing at an average of 1500 to 3000 words per day and now with this cloud I can double or even triple it potentially!

Wow, I never knew what I was missing out on.

I really thought that people were stupid who relied on clouds… I still kind of do because I am convinced the grid will crash some day or some horrendous apocalypse is around the corner… but if life stays how it is now technologically… I can see a new me emerging… a new far more productive me… so watch out!

Happy reading!

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Tropes and scenes loved and hated

Some writer friends have asked me to list what I definitely will not include in my stories and what I am likely to include in my stories in regards to themes and tropes and just general stuff.

Apparently it is a thing that’s going around where writers are starting to share that sort of thing?  Ok, here goes…

Too many romance scenes (sex scenes in my adult works possibly but not romance, gooey eye rolling load of old trollop nah huh ) – this is not for me and won’t be in my stories much if at all!  But do expect sex scenes frequenting some of my adult works! 

Unless the story has historical scenes, it is unlikely there will be silly gossiping women, I hate gossip!  The only time this is acceptable in my works is at the ladies cream tea afternoons in a Victoriana setting, but I do find writing these things cringe worthy, being a gossip is generally cringe worthy as it is! 

Technological explanations and scientific terminologies – I don’t have the brain for it – it will be basic stuff!  Oh this big blue square button does that and this round yellow one does this, character pushes said button and hey presto, that’s as nerdy as I get! 

Helpless women who lose their mind over men and forget to defend themselves because their love is in danger – the women in my stories generally have their heads together!  I mean I know for sure if I was a character in some of these books I have read, my reaction would be “I have my own problems, wait you wuss”!

Stereotypical monsters that just do evil because… hey… they’re monsters!  So overdone and totally unfair!  Not to mention, highly discriminating and endorsing discrimination… just saying! 

Emotionally bland or emotionally devoid scripts – I have read hundreds of pages of emotionally dead characters who keep on telling me about why they need to do something and get somewhere, but there is no real descriptive emotional output at all – it’s like, it’s their duty to have to think this way because it is expected, but generally there is no real feeling behind the words… you get me?  If you get me, you’ll see that I mean to say, that the character makes you feel like they are lying to both themselves and you as a reader! 

Mindless barbarians bonking heads for no other reason than they’re simply bored or want to be barbaric.  There is always a motive behind an action, tell me about it… not just the mindless violence! 

Slow paced stories, there has been books I have read where nothing at all moves the plot forward more than six pages at a time and that’s being optimistic!  I need something to happen on every page, it’s not hard to do!  No one wants the second scene to happen fifteen minutes later!

Repeating scenes already seen in the story or having characters lull over past memories again and again – yawns, boring!

Constantly reminding the readers how emotionally affected the person is about so and so, it is OK to mention it around three maybe four times in the whole book but please don’t take us back there in every single chapter!  We know, we read and understood it – doing this makes your readers feel like you think they are idiots who just do not understand – don’t do that to them!

Other than generalising height as short, tall etc and the build of the person as well as the colour of the hair or skin, please leave other things to the imagination unless those other features deeply affect the story in some way – like an eye patch or a scar on the chin which is why there is a revenge plot or something – but generally, let people use their own imaginations about who they want to play the part in their heads based on who they know with general outlines.

I love to write very descriptive body horror scenes because I love grossing people out, I understand this is not everyone’s cup of tea – but it’s what I do in my adult horror stories!

I love found family tropes and close family tropes, I love tropes where there is a small team working together towards the same goal!

I like write historical scenes and be descriptive about the environment and landscape around the character!

I write a lot about isolation and abuse, because it is something I have experienced a lot over the years, therefore I feel it is easy to write in a believable way.

I am very good at understanding the hidden aspects of society, the things that people can hide from others, the secrets, the lies, the behind closed doors of Mr and Mrs Ideal-Citizen, the underground stuff, the dirty nitty gritty aspects of life.

I am very good at writing different points of view because I have had a very rich life regards to socialising with different classes and types of people just by being moved from relative to relative.  I have lived with rich aunts and certain members of the aristocracy because on one side of my family we have a very old family – on another side of my family they are gypsies and farmers – another side were refugees, lots of different religions and class systems.  The list goes on! 

I find it easy to write from the perspective of a social worker and a teacher who is worried about their abused pupil/client and then write from the perspective of a junkie about to lose their child – I have seen these things unfold right before my eyes time and time again growing up!

One thing I have experienced time and time again from lots of different people and classes is suicide and sudden loss due to murder.

I have a huge interest in environmentalism, so pollution and innovation is something I like to put in most of my books.

Because I love comedy and prefer books and movies with comedy aspects, I do tend to like to throw in humour whenever I can, including in my darkest horror stories – I can’t help it; it always gets in there somehow!

I do love vampires and I have to say at least a third of my work will have some kind of vampire in there!

I love animal companions and so that will be a thing – particularly fond of anthropomorphic animals pretending to be human or whatever.

I like over the top comic hero and villain tropes, so that is another thing that will be seen a bit in my works.

There is likely to be someone who is rather off key in my stories, a batty old aunt, a batty young aunt, the green juice hippy weirdo and the generally bonkers type of person – or the harsh out of touch with their emotions type who is learning to soften themselves down a bit.

There will be women who save themselves and maybe even male characters! 

There will be lots of free range children living independently and causing chaos or massive changes in their communities.

There will be a lot of subterranean places too; in fact this is something that is seen in half of my stories so far!

People who are incredibly lucky when things aren’t really going for them!

Also, I will always end up being just ever so slightly corny…

So that’s what you can expect from me… I won’t say anything else on the matter, so please stop poking around…

Thanks for reading! 

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