Paul and I have agreed that I can’t write like how I used to anymore because I am just too tired and ill a lot lately, especially with sleeping problems occurring.
So, it has been agreed to cut my usual word count down by a thousand words per day. Making my word goals 2k a day, because I am struggling to get past 2500 words and I am finding myself in consistent writing debt of 400 to 1350 words on a bad day.
Like today, I was meant to write no less than 4458 words before tomorrow, because yesterday I was lagging behind as my auto-immune condition has decided to step up its game. So today I am even worse and needing to go to bed again at any minute (it is nearly 6pm) and I am only just at 2300 words today – so the debt tomorrow would be even greater.
Before all this crappy ill-health stuff started to happen I would easily vomit out 3k to 10k words per day, depending on how much time I had spare to write. I felt that I could force myself to fart out 3k a day as an average but I think I have to sit back and realise I am not as healthy as I used to be and I have to learn to manage my health and disabilities better, instead of literally flogging myself to death, just so I don’t – whatever… You know, right?
I am exhausted emotionally and physically a lot of the time. I think I have to reside myself to finally realising that I am never going to be how I used to be anymore and I should just learn to make do with what I can do. Stop pushing myself as hard, especially as stress can make your health worse, I already have enough stress I can’t control, and I may as well cut out the bits that I can.
Not only this, but I am starting to resent my writing today, because it is taking me around three to five hours to do my goals and that meant that my time for other things, such as reading, playing games and just chilling with my family was getting less and less. So I can’t start resenting work I love doing, because that is not good. I need to always stay in love with my writing and art, since I found out I have fell in love with it again. Writing should be a pleasure, not a bind.
I have just got to manage myself better around my illness, better than I have been doing. I have to start being kinder to myself; as I have been a right bully to myself recently.