Tag Archives: spirit

Get your finger out my pie!

Get your finger out my pie

Lest the poison make you die

Take not what was made for me

My dessert for my efforts, see

You can’t be me, no matter how you try

To attempt will make you die

Your spirit won’t like to be

Something it’s not meant to, see!

This is for me, this is mine

This is not for you to dine

I can eat this slice of pie

The poison within won’t make me die

Because I’m made of stronger stuff than you

I am creative through and through

I do not steal like the likes of you

So get your finger out my pie

Lest you want your spirit to die

For you can’t be like me you see

A thief is an ugly beasty

Written 5:33pm 15th March 2023

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Creative individuals empathise

The worst thing I have ever done was listen to people who told me I should share my ideas or snippets online regarding my story work.

There are just so many thieves and if you are not as fast as them they just steal from you constantly and that is very disheartening.  I suffer from depression as it is without people literally trying to tear pieces out of my soul as well!

Because to me my creative self is my soul, when you steal from me you are tearing my soul apart like some vicious starved demon!

If you don’t empathise with what I am saying here, then you are not a true creator, you are just a creative thief.  If you empathise with what I am saying, then you are a true creator and know exactly what it means to create new content and how much it means to you to be a creative INDIVIDUAL.

I can’t understand people who actively steal from others, they can’t feel fulfilled in themselves – they might have success, they might have money, but they don’t have a soul, do they?

They’ve sold their soul and their individuality if they can do such a thing.

I pity them.

Honestly I do, I pity that they are so ashamed of themselves they don’t want to share their true selves with the world, like I do and like true creatives do.

It’s really sad actually.

This is why, from this point onwards, I will mention my projects by their code names – but I am no longer dropping hints about them at all, other than their genre.  I won’t even talk about the amalgam of influence I got for the story either, as that gives away too much! 

It’s sad to have to do this too, but I can’t have people taking something precious like this away from me all the time…

Thanks for reading!

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Us creatures

That game which is no longer a game

It is known to me

The spirits tell me everything

For they want me to be free

They’ve shown me all your dreams and fears

They’ve shown me all you’ve done

They have promised that someday

You, in my life will come

I won’t judge you for playing

Because I know you’re not playing now

Don’t judge me before you know me

When you know me, anyhow

Yes we’ve known each other

In another life

We’ve known each other in spirit

We’ve see each other’s strife

Our connection is a strong one

Telepathic and its true

Don’t think you have anything to prove to me

Because I know you through and through

All I am doing is waiting

For you to come to me

And talk awhile about what it is

What you want from me

I know it sounds strange right now

But I know what it is you want

And I have always been waiting

For this guy I’ve dreamt of, who haunts

I don’t think you realise

Just how much I know

The question is, will you come

Yes or no?

I can’t do a thing for you

Until you reach out a hand

I have been waiting all my life

And waiting is not grand

It breaks my heart to know things

The darkness has been warm

But my heart is heavy and cold

My heart is scratched and worn

But I know you will heal me

Because you feel it too

You and I share everything

We are one, not two

We live in the shadows

We pretend to kiss the light

But we both know what we really want

We really want the night

So offer me your hand

And I will take it for sure

Because living without you hurts me

And I can’t take it anymore

Saffy is close to falling fast asleep

So close to giving up

She needs her emperor beside her

To wake and shake her up

We are not giving up this easily

We are one you and I

We will fight this battle united

You will no longer cry

We will walk this earth together

And rule it with an iron might

Because together we cannot be vanquished

Us creatures of the night

8:07pm 25th February 2023

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Filed under poetry, spirituality

Raven warrior day

Today I feel like a warrior, the raven warrior I used to be.

I feel like dressing up in my old black clothes and wearing my raven feathered necklace and rethinking about designing that raven feather cloak I have always wanted to make.

I miss my gothic make-up today; I used to be a Goth as a teenager and into my mid-twenties – a big contrast to the semi-kawaii style I like these days.

I was the Gothic Jock type at school, but also sort of nerdy – because I was an A & B grade student mostly and I was teased for it some of the time, though I never flaunted it and tried to conceal my grades wherever possible – because in my family, nobody got grades like that it is a sort of anomaly, a weird thing which I held close to my heart in shame.

My dad and his side of the family was the only people I felt comfortable knowing my grades, because on dad’s side of the family there are teachers and government workers, so education is important to them and it’s not a cause for shame there.

But today, I am the raven warrior again – or at least it’s the first time in years I feel like she’s been awakened again.

At least I do have some black clothes, though no make-up – at least I can sort of feel like my old self again, in part. 

A black lace cami, a long black skirt, a back flowing shrug, black socks though ruined by pink diamonds, but you can’t have everything in this place.  It’s a cheerful day, despite the kind of poetry I am producing and despite looking mournful – to me it’s a brighter day in my heart.

I wonder why the raven spirit in me is so strong today?

I used to be called Raven Mother by some people in the past – sometimes The Raven Warrior – sometimes The Vampire – sometimes the warrior goddess  and I tried to get people to call me Raven but they didn’t do it, because I guess they didn’t like my sense of humour in being known as The Raven Lunatic, haha.

Some people have no sense of fun – in fact most, don’t.

I had lots of interesting nicknames before I moved in with Paul and every ounce of my identity in all of them has gone, you wouldn’t recognise me now from what I used to be.

I may have been abused badly in my past and mostly isolated – but to be honest I did still socialise on my mother’s terms and I did so more often than I do now I live with Paul.  I may have been living day to day scared for my life with violence and unpredictable people and living day to day with loss after loss – but strangely enough, I was happier then than I am now.  I still don’t understand it.

Maybe I was happy because of how many people used to visit?  Maybe I was happier because I was a lot richer back then and never had to wait months between necessary non-food purchases?  Maybe I was happier because I had more personal freedom around the home, even though I had copious amounts of duties and chores to do between them?

I don’t know.

As I said, I am still puzzled by it.

How can someone be so happy in a situation where day to day they are not sure if they would be alive by the end of the day?

Food for thought I guess?

Yet when I was in that situation I was desperate to get away because I was under so much stress, I often had black outs because things got too much for me and I had to constantly make excuses to non-family people about why I can’t be normal, why I can’t just take their invitation on the spur of a moment etc – because there was often a violent backlash if I did.  Not from them or from me, but if my mother found out she’d go nuts and literally hunt the person down.

So the raven took her flight and said “Nevermore” to that situation and came to live with Paul.

Thanks for reading…

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Life isn’t always bad

What is the point in following her that has a heart so grey?

To love her works and writings, for her to throw her life away?

What is the point in caring, when she is doomed to die?

When she still insists in sitting down to cry…

The point is that you love it

The point is my words should flow

Like the water that’s in my spirit

I should let my words go…

Who knows it could heal me?

Who knows I could change my mind…

Who knows what is what

And what my life should find…

The point is I am healing

The point is I am not

The point is I am trying

I am trying not to stop

One day I am happy

One day I am sad

One day I want to kill myself ever so bad

But some days I plodder on

And write these things for you

Whilst soak in tears and sadness, sitting in the blue

Wondering when my life will change

Wondering when I’ll find love

Wondering when things are different

Or when is the next shove?

I am curious when I’ll do it

When I will cut the cords

That ties me to this life full of discord

I wonder when I will cut too deep

Too deep that I will forever sleep

I wonder when my life will change

So I can look back and think it strange

That I was ever in that place

That I was ever sad

Because I try to lie to myself, that life isn’t always bad

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Because I’ve died

Is it enough to show the world at all?

That I’ve ascended but now I fall?

Into a chasm of pain

Being driven insane

Will I feel the same… again?

I might as well give up

Stop fighting

Because nothing is righting the way I need it go

Why can’t thing be just so?

Or is it me who won’t let go?

Oh no

I’ve tied, through the needles that bite

I’ve tried through the ashes that burned

I’ve tried through the icy waters

I’ve tried to turn

But things swing round back at me

Fighting me into tragedy

I have struggled with reality until I am through

I am done, I am tired and life’s won

This battle

What can I do?

But fight again, until the end

Until life has gone from me

Into the icy sea

And I have drowned in the pain

And I went insane

And I took my life

With a bloodied knife

And I’m not the same

Fighting spirit I was

I have given up… because…

I’ve died

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Spirit & energy

It is vitally important to always make sure you have your own personal space in your home, so you have a chance to heal and a place to make a sanctuary; it is important to fiercely guard this space and for twelve years I had to fight to find mine and it was genuinely a battle.

It has only really been two months now, since this space has been truly mine in every sense of the word; a place that I can decorate and design to my will, a place where I can relax and sleep and even sometimes write on the quiet days.

This house has a lot of negative energy running through it, which is what you can expect when you have a polluted stream running right under your house and this stream is drying up.

I have never been happy in this house, because I felt this house made me sick and it wasn’t until two years into my ill-health that Paul told me about the stream under the house; had I of known before I moved in with him, I wouldn’t have moved in with him, not in this house.

Why?

Because living on water like that is not good for a witch, or so my family has told me as there are some ancestry from Salem, the Howe’s, my ancestors were the ones who got away.  Living on water can do two things to a proper blood born witch; make you sick because it affects your energy at a consistent pace and can affect your spell crafting abilities negatively whilst overloading your instinct for fortune telling and clairvoyance.  That is of course, if you are not a sea or a water based witch, those are different.  Yes my Chinese astrological element is water, but this is not a good place for me to live.  I can live by water, as long as I am not on top of it and as long as it is not constantly flowing beneath me.

This is a shame because I have always liked the idea of long holidays on barges and cruises, I know for a fact I used to love going rowing in the summer with my dad and cousins and I don’t suffer from seasickness.

I am a non-practising witch these days, I only do crystal healing, fortune readings, clairvoyant stuff and I still feed the faeries and the house spirits, hug trees and that sort of thing – but I don’t actively do spells anymore, as I believe it negatively affects the balance of the universe.  I do believe however in cosmic ordering and that the cosmos knows how to balance things better than we do, in my opinion, cosmic ordering or wish-craft is far superior to witchcraft.  It’s gentler, it’s balanced and it is not forcing anything and you build a relationship with the source that is deep and loving and protective and always knows best!

Since gaining my new space and doing my little cleansing rituals and a little bit of Feng Shui (only a little) I have noticed something about my particular space that I have never felt whilst living in this house and that is a lightness, a clean energy, a vibrancy developing here.

The other members of my household, Paul and Henry have noticed this energy too and try to spend more time in my space than their own, but I quickly rush them out after twenty minutes, because this is my space and I can’t lose it again.

I am relying a lot on crystal energy for this space.  I do a cleansing ritual every time someone comes into my space with anything negative; it’s become almost an obsession.  But you have no idea how quickly the energy darkens and becomes depressive if I am not consistently on top of it.

All I do is use my quartz crystal to make a protective star in the room, circle me thrice and if necessary open the window for half an hour.

This is my bedroom and it is not shared by anyone, this is my space and I love it.

My room has become known in the family as the rainbow room, because my crystals make about fifty little prisms all over the walls when they are poked to swing in the window and when those rainbows light up the room, the energy is so soothing and beautiful, I can’t get rid of anyone who comes in until they fade.

My clairvoyance and my instinctive abilities are increasing exponentially, where I am becoming unsurprised by events happening in my life now.  But I am also driven with excitement by something I can sense, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

All I know is my world is about to turn upside down and become completely unrecognisable soon, but I understand that it’s all positive and good and I will be ecstatically happy for a very long time after this event.  What this event might be?  I am unsure really, but it indicates a new person coming into my life that will just drastically change everything and heal me emotionally and help me become strong and vibrant again.

My spirits are sometimes mischievous but never harmful or toxic, whenever I ask who this person is? They laugh at me and told me, I will not be able to speak when I see them, I won’t believe it’s true and I may be tempted to run away from them when they approach me.

They also said that this person will be the best thing to ever happen in my life!

They told me that we will work together in a similar or same career, that together we will be a power couple that people will look at us as Emperor and Empress because our ideas coming together are so spectacular that the world will literally be in awe of us.  Which sounds exciting – I wondered if it is another writer or someone along those lines, Paul guesses I might fall in love with the agent I get.  Who knows?

They said that our creativity will be a huge legacy for literally generations to come!  We will not be forgotten, it’s that kind of big energy.

They also told me that my new prospective partner will be ecstatic because they knew their intuition was right about me, that they are happy that they can change into doing something they’ve been wanting to do a lot for the past few years, but circumstances have meant they had to go in another direction they weren’t as passionate in, but just generally liked a bit.

I was told he will love how playful I am, how changeable I am, how pliable I can be in most situations and ultimately he will see me as a very inspiring person and he will get on my case about not using my abilities to the best that I can.  He will be very pushy about my talents, all of them and I won’t be able to hide any from him or the world, he won’t allow it.

He will push me into the world and have a “have fun” attitude and will stick around waiting to push me back if I try to wander away from what I am supposed to be doing.

He sounds impossible, but supportive, cheeky and fun.

He will challenge me on every level to be the best that I can be for myself, he won’t let me belittle myself or make do, he will always make me strive to take better things.  Apparently there is a couple of things which will frustrate the both of us being together… for him, it is my idea of moderation and accepting less than I really want and my apparent, needless frugality.  He is apparently here to teach me how to grasp abundance, but according to my spirits, he is fighting a losing battle as I am just so naturally happy and grateful for whatever I have and I never overdo things for myself.

I overdo things for others, but it is hard for me to digest and accept doing it for myself.

He will also have a challenging time with my insecurities, but after as little as two years he would have the victory he was vying for regarding that!  This is what the spirits promised, I laughed as two years is too short a time for that!

But they are determined that he knows me more than I do!

As for my reaction to him, apparently he will know how to push all of my buttons for any reaction he desires and this will sometimes scare me, because he will challenge me a lot!  He will not do anything to harm me, or make me feel bad in anyway, but he will scare me by putting me into situations and teaching me how to cope with them and have fun, because in his opinion I have missed out a lot in life and he is determined I won’t miss out on anything else!

My lesson to him apparently is improving spiritual connection and emotional healing as well as filling the void.  Oh and apparently although he is known to be a little eccentric already by people who know him, apparently us being together will make him stand out as being even more outrageous, because we’ll do it as a couple together!  We are apparently two peas in a pod!

The spirits said we are the couple that get the most invites to places, simply because we liven things up with our presence and vibrancy.

To be perfectly honest, it has to be a dream and this can’t really happen for me.  Because in my opinion, I am past it; I am forty years old, I am not very attractive, I can’t see how all of this is going to happen in such a short space of time.  I have got myself into a homebody rut, so how am I going to meet this guy, huh?

Is he going to just turn up on my doorstep?  I don’t think so!

But OK… email me first?

Thanks for reading.

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Spirit guides & dream time

This post is going to be about my spirit animals or animal spirit guides, since this blog has been showing you a lot about my spiritual side; I thought I’d give you more insight to me as a spiritual person.

One of the very first spirit animals that ever showed themselves to me came to me when I was around 4yrs old in the garden.  I was playing by myself when three lizards came out of the cracks of the crazy paving patio and started to climb all over me.  They were very friendly and playful creatures which became tame with me very quickly.

Nobody in my family believed me when I told them that I have baby dragons in the garden who likes to play with me and that they live down the holes.

Because to me at the age of 4, they were baby dragons, I didn’t know them as lizards at the time!

It was thanks to these baby dragons that I developed a love for dinosaurs and dragon movies and anything connected to that sort of thing.

I avidly watched the movie “One Million Years BC” so much it wore the VHS out by the time I was 8yrs old and dad had to buy a new one!

Lizards didn’t stay in my life for long as a physical presence, because by the time I was 6yrs old we moved house and I never saw a wild lizard since.  But they followed me into my dream time.  Protecting me from things that often chased me, they would jump in front of whatever was chasing me have those epic dino fights whilst I got away.  This was a regular dream for me throughout most of my life in fact, as I got older the lizards got bigger and more ferocious in protecting me in dream time.  By the time I was a 11 those lizards became T-rex then after I had watched Jurassic park, they became a pack of velociraptors.

The lizard usually shows up early in childhood with people who are supposed to be magically or spiritually strong, they come into peoples lives during intense spiritual growth spurts.

It is funny to note that a similar animal “The Wolf” came into my life when I was around 9yrs old, they have a similar meaning to lizard, though they tend to join people who feel they are without a pack or who are victims of some kind of abuse, living under constant threat or for people who could easily lose self-control and generally feel unloved by those around them.

The wolf became my main spirit animal for a long time, it vanished almost completely as a dream time spirit guide by the time I was eighteen.  I even had dreams where I was an arctic wolf, running with the pack, where the leader was double the size of the others, scruffy and black.  In my dream time we occasionally turned back into our human forms, he’d be an almost Italian looking young man, with black scruffy or slightly spiky hair, dark eyes and an orange varsity styled jacket.

What I find weird is, when we weren’t running as a pack through a dense dark woodland on the edge of an army barracks in the dreams, I’d be riding behind this guy on his (for some weird reason) a yellow Yamaha motorbike.

Weirdly enough motorbikes were a big thing in a lot of my dream times growing up and I have never actually ridden one in my life!

When I was around 10yrs old, two new temporary spirit guides came into my life.  Robins and bumblebees, but they come and go in my life a lot.  Though at the time the bumblebee first made an appearance to me, they were a shadow animal, it was only in the past 12yrs that they have become more of a guide than a shadow creature now.

Robins came into my life when my grandad was dying of cancer, a robin would visit the family a lot and my grandad said that there is a family legend that we reincarnate as robins to give messages to each other; “I’ll do that for you cocker when I am gone, I’ll be like a little robin postman coming to give you messages.”

It’s strange how whenever there is a big family event coming up or a death that an unusually large male robin comes to visit the garden wherever I live and will peck at the window until I notice it.

I never ignore robins when I notice them, because their behaviour tells me what is going on – though I won’t know who they indicate, I can tell by what the robin does, what kind of event will be taking place soon.

When the bumblebees first arrived as a spirit guide when I was 10yrs old it was a terrifying experience for me; it came in the form of a nightmare. 

I was playing in an adventure playground and it becomes cloudy and dark, I thought it is just a rain cloud coming over head, but it got darker and darker and I couldn’t see anything anywhere, so I left a little play house to go and see why it suddenly became night time.  When I left the little play house, I looked up to see a giant bumble bee, bigger than a house and it stung me and my whole body blew up big and popped!

It was around the time that my dinosaurs and lizards were getting more and more fiercely protective of me and were even starting to sometimes turn against me in some dreams – it was a scary three years in dream time.

When I was 12yrs old I started to get dreams of sitting on the edge of a cliff, singing out loud to whales and they were responding to me and dancing for me in the sea below.  In many of my new dream times, I started to run off the edge of the cliff to dive into the sea to be with them – but when I get to the sea they were rarely there.  The lizards and dinosaurs used to try and stop me jumping into the sea and would try to block my path by waiting at the cliff edge for me to fiercely make me turn back!

After about a year of doing this in dream time, the lizards became desperate, as I found ways to get into the sea time and time again – so the lizards became alligators and crocodiles and they ended up waiting for me in the sea and used their tails to swish me back to the shores again.

When I was around 14yrs old I realised that the invisible energy I was running away from was actually love.  Someone who intensely loved me was chasing me and I was running away afraid of them because they seemed too enthusiastic.

Up until I was 14, I didn’t know what I was running from.

But I evaded this loving person until I was 17, this loving person had a blurry image, an outline or silhouette, I couldn’t see them properly until I wanted to get to know them properly. 

When I was 14 my dream self-developed wings – I think it was my spirits way in overcoming the blockages from the lizards and dinosaurs – I started to dream that I was a raven.

It is around this time that the local rooks, crows, ravens and magpies became very protective of me.  They still are, they’ve never left me.  The corvids are very loyal to me, both in dream time and out of it.

I dreamt almost every night and remembered most events without fail that I would always start my dream at my bedroom window and I would open the window and jump out into the night and fly away as a raven.  I don’t dream that since living with Paul, because our windows are too high up and my spirit has never felt at home here.  I often spiritually revisit my old house in London.

The guy with the spiky hair in the wolf pack also started to develop wings with me around this time, because he felt dejected that I no longer ran with the pack, but flew above it.

He often tried to get me to consider being a wolf again with him, but I was more interested in being the raven as it was more convenient.

It wasn’t until I was around 17 that I realised this guy was the love I was running from, when I realised he was the silhouette person, I started to see the spiky haired guy a lot.

Once I realised he was the same person, I didn’t have dreams of being chased again, until recently, when I asked my spirits about this – as it was the same feeling as before, they told me, who do I think it is?  When I said, is it the spiky guy again?  The silhouette faded and it was him again, but older and with facial hair that seems to come and go, like his colouring, grey to black to peppery, to black, to grey, to black again.

Nearly forgot that squirrels have been around me a lot since I was around 7yrs old too, they tame around me really easily, particularly the grey or black ones.  Some people who know me can definitely see squirrel qualities in my personality!  Lol

Some squirrels were so tame they’d come and go in the house like pets when my bedroom window was opened.

When I was 15yrs old I learned seals get distressed whenever they see me leaving them – they love me, they stalk me, they screech and panic and get very upset when I leave them.  It’s weird and embarrassing when I am in zoos.

Aged 20 I found that cows like me too much too and to this day, cows can be bothersome with me.  They try to kidnap me, seriously.  I can’t walk past a herd of cows without them following me and circling me and trying to keep me.  Paul can testify that we live near a canal, where across the other side of the canal is a herd of cows, whenever they see me, they enter the canal to get to the other side and have been known to follow me and get lost from their farm, just because they won’t leave me alone.  I can’t go to that particular area of the canal pathway anymore, because of the amount of runaway cows that I seem to cause there!

What is weird is that I have the symbol of Hathor the Egyptian goddess on my hand as part of my palmistry lines.  She was a cow goddess – perhaps they think I am her?  I don’t know it’s blooming weird whatever the case may be!

The cow is one of my strongest spirit guides too; those the raven, grasshoppers and the butterflies are the strongest and longest serving for me.

Butterflies tell me about productive ideas and new births within the family, they told me every time I got pregnant, before I even did a pregnancy test.  I’ve been pregnant three times in my life and every time I have got pregnant, a blue butterfly has flown between my legs or landed on my hand just as the pregnancy was only 2 weeks in gestation.  It’s weird that it is consistent. 

Also butterflies turn up whenever I have new story or art ideas or when Brain Hurricane season is about to set in or if I am about to undergo a huge change in my life or transformation.

The Grasshoppers tell me about travelling to new places or moving home.  They don’t really contact me for anything else and they always do so via physical manifestation, rather than dream time.

Whenever I am without a pet, I notice ginger cats try to adopt me in the street or garden, then they leave as soon as I have any kind of pet in the home again.  It’s like a stop gap pet and it’s always a ginger cat of some description.

Another queer thing about zoo animals is whenever I go to a zoo with cheetahs or snow leopards, they seem to love me and will try to get as close to me as possible.  They seem to love me, whereas they are aloof with everyone else.

Field mice are also attracted to me for some reason as are frogs, toads, bats and herons.

Most recently my dreams are getting lots of flamingos, ibises and peacocks, as well as cockerels, rabbits and puppies.

I also remember around 2003 to 2006 can’t remember exactly when but stags became a huge thing in dream time, and at the time the spiky hair dude was there, but we had a little misunderstanding about things.  The dream was surreal to me, because he started to tell me that he is real and did I know that?  He also told me he wanted me in his life and he is going to find me outside of dream time.  I told him, you have some issues to sort out first though; I won’t like it if you come how you are right now.

He made a vow to change himself.  Around this time he was wearing a lot of stag symbols and even nicknamed himself The Buck.  I don’t know since I woke up, what it was he needed to change, but I do know it is something I wouldn’t have liked about him if we knew each other back then.  But whatever I don’t hold grudges, people change and you got to let them move on – it’s not healthy digging up their pasts if it is behind them.

I do know that he became worried around early 2004 because an ex of mine hurt me so much, that for nearly five years I didn’t want to consider any new healthy relationship with a man again.  I think he thought even if he did find me in reality, I wouldn’t welcome him anymore.  He’d been right until 2008.

Took a lot for me to heal that wound!

I was going through a very unhealthy time as far as other relationships were going too.

It’s weird but dream time to me is like another reality – like a parallel.  Because when I got pregnant with Henry in 2009 it also caused a bit of emotional turmoil for this guy when he found out – he became almost lost until 2013, until he started to try harder to connect with me and over the years since then, he appears to be getting spiritually stronger.

Almost obsessively so in the past two years in particular, to the extent he can tap into my chakras from time to time in the past month now – Paul told me, it sounds like whoever this guy is, must be adept at transcendental meditation.

Even Paul has been getting a spiritual instinct that someone is telling him to “back away from their girl”.  Which coincidentally started around two weeks before Paul met his new woman.

Even Paul keeps telling me, he doesn’t believe this guy is a dream – he truly believe this guy is imminent and will be coming into my life sooner than I think!

I kind of pooh pooh it off, because I think I am nuts to be honest with you.  But Paul is like… if you are nuts, then so am I, because you know me!  I am not spiritual at all – but this is strong enough that even I can feel it and you’ve got to get ready and when he comes, you say yes and you go with him if he tells you to!

I thought woah, OK, that’s a bit much!

But he reckons it’s going to be like that.

It’s too surreal and too weird and I am not sure I am going to fully embrace the speed of it all, if Paul is right.

But if it is real – gosh… the idea makes me cry, because I have wanted that kind of love for too long now, that I am not sure if I can get used to it and I am scared that I would push them away, as I may not be comfortable with how nice they’re going to be, as stupid as that sounds!

All I know is, when they turn up, it’s not going to be conventional… something tells me he is a tricky one – safe… but tricky…

Thanks for reading!

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Sleepy caterpillar

Today I feel quiet; it’s a solitary and reflective day for me.  I just want the cosiest clothing possible, to be warm and snuggle up with my laptop writing stories, doing tarot readings, playing with my crystals and reading some books.

Though I feel like being kind of social, I just really want a quiet day.

I really miss having a wandering pet in the house like a dog or a cat, because I could do with fur baby snuggles right now too and I really miss my border collie Candy who used to lie on my feet whenever I was reading, because she kept my feet warm in the winter, whilst bill my shih Tzu kept my abdomen or lap warm and his sister Beau to my side.

I often sat in piles of dogs or other fur babies, it was quite normal for me.

As much as I miss her I don’t miss her habits, Turquoise my tortoiseshell cat, she could never get close to me thanks to the dogs, so her only option was to sit behind the back of the sofa I was on and half lie on my head whilst I read.  Kind of itched a bit as she made my head too warm!

I miss the occasional tweet from my budgies too and the sofa suddenly moving like an earthquake because Amy the Irish Wolfhound has decided to hide behind my sofa right now, disturbing the whole pile of animals around me as she blunders her way behind the sofa to hide again, only for her to re-emerge sticking her wet slimy nose into my ear for a tickle almost immediately.

I miss them all.

But today is a cotton and cotton lace kind of day, with fleecy socks and blankets or shawls; light colours for me, like white, pale yellow or cream, maybe a smattering of oatmeal or coffee, but only very small amounts. 

It would be too cold to go out in what I want to wear today, unless I took an oversized oatmeal or banana yellow fleecy shawl or poncho with me.

Today however, is a day where I just want to be home.  I’d like some company, but quiet, tranquil company.  It’s a reflective day after all and a day of words for me.

I have done a lot of writing today, but not towards a novel.  I have done a lot of words towards blog posts and therapy essays I am doing for myself, as I am trying to heal some major emotional wounds.

Spiritual energy is quiet today, it’s like there is a major focus on me, to give me lightness, give me energy, sending healing my way.

I thank whoever it is doing that.

I certainly feel a lot of inner calm today, like someone has given me Valium or something.

My spirits have tried their best to encourage me to sleep a lot over the past few days, but I haven’t been listening, only for me to nap suddenly whenever I get comfortable.  Henry got afraid yesterday as I fell asleep twice and I wasn’t even tired, but I told him it’s OK.

My spirits told me, “you are not a butterfly yet; you are still a caterpillar and it’s time to get your sleep, because your transformation is very near”.

I suppose it explains why I am fat, then, I am a caterpillar.

I am fighting against their advice though; life is too short to be a sleepy head.

But they insist, I should sleep as much as possible until the second week of November, because after that, I won’t have a chance – things will move too quickly in my life and I may not have the energy to keep up with it, and I must keep up with it!

It’s a strange thing.

But there you go.

Thanks for reading…

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Filed under Who am I today?

Persevere

Life is complicated when you’re big

Life is complicated when you are small

Life doesn’t meet in the middle of the short or tall

Life can be a nightmare, though also sometimes a dream

Sometimes it makes you cry for joy and other times make you scream

I understand what it’s like for you, you who are so very big

I know the leaps and bounds you make

Your life is fragile like a twig

One false step and you could lose it all

I understand your qualms

But I can’t help falling in love, with your spirit and your charms

I pray you take the risk you want

You leap over the looming walls

You take what you want by the hands

And you will be enthralled

Because no matter what you think, I know my answer is yes

Because I feel it in my soul, that when you come I am blessed!

You were always promised to me in my dreams

I think I know you well

And to live without you in my life, just know that it is Hell

All I ever wanted was a guy just like you

Someone who will love me and protect me and be true

But I grow impatient because I know

I can feel your spirit glow

I can feel the warmth you bring

I can feel your spirit sing

I know that it isn’t long before you come and share your song

But I am going crazy here

Because I sense you are very near

And all I can think of is you, you, YOU!

How I feel, you’ve got no clue!

But you need to know right here and now

That I will accept that vow

That offer you will make, I will take it make no mistake!

For I will know if it is you, that you really love me too

Though we don’t know each other right now

However you’ve been foretold and wow

I know it’s crazy, but you’re a part of me

You are also so very tardy

Yes you are late and I think you know it

But I know we both are ready to commit

I feel this power in your soul

I know I am your ultimate goal

I am loving and I am kind and I will make your life sublime

You will hold me in your arms and carefully guide me away from harm

Nothing will touch me ever again, because with you, I’ve found my zen

I am yours and I am sorry

For the pain you went through in the quarry

Looking deep and hard in stone, for the diamond who’ll make your home

I am tardy, I know that and I am sorry for being late

But I had to get born and grow up a bit, am I worth the wait?

I know you manifested me, I have some imperfections

But give it time and we’ll work on all of the corrections

I’m a child at heart and I know you want to play

You dream of me every night after you softly pray

God listened to your request you know

Because I am here right now

And slowly you are nearing to me

And wouldn’t it be – wow?

I will be afraid of you, because you are so real

But just know that I will love you – expect a squeak or squeal

I may not talk when you arrive

I will lose my voice

But just so you know, I will rejoice

I may be too eager too

Too quick to say a “yes”

But I’ve been waiting for many years

Excitement will be hard to supress!

Though I don’t know who you are

I knew you in my dreams

And so I think I know you, entirely it seems

Though a thing or two has changed a bit

You have grown a lot

I really hope you choose to come, please give it a shot

I know things are difficult right now

But you can make it true

You are more powerful than you know

Look who you made and drew!

You can have everything

Don’t stop your biggest dream

I don’t want you to fall apart or go downstream

You wanted me with you and that’s what you’re going to have

Because you don’t do mediocre, you don’t do things by halve!

So do what you need to

To come and find me dear

Because I need to go home, so please persevere

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Filed under poetry