I wish my brain could make my body work in the same pace as its imaginations; I’d be prolific, drowning in art work and stories and it would be amazing – but no, it is never going to happen!
I think about too much and so little actually gets physically manifested because my daydreams are lightning fast.
I really meant it when I have said in previous posts, I don’t suffer from artist or writers block, I suffer from artist and writers overload!
You have no idea that in every poem I write and post on the blog, there are three or more pieces of art that are not being produced to go with it, because I can’t paint that fast!
Every painting I have done in the past takes an average of three hours, but anywhere between ninety minutes and six maybe even seven hours a time! That’s just one piece of art!
You have no idea how much I wish everything I think of would physically manifest, the exacting art ideas I have, the exact stories, the exact movies, the exact music and the exact songs – but I manage to physically manifest so little of it, because of lack of time and speed ability, in fact I don’t even believe I produce a whole 1%.
You have no idea how I am obsessed with my imagination and how it consumes my daily life to the extent that I often forget to live in reality!
Paul is both a blessing and a curse for this, because he will happily allow me to be consumed by it all, whilst feeding me and keeping me as comfortable as he can – but he doesn’t like to interfere with my daydreams AT ALL! It scares me when he dies someday, it scares me because I am so consumed by it all that if he were to die tomorrow, I might die a few weeks later because I will forget to feed myself, I will forget to live and he doesn’t shake me out of it, like others have done in the past and I have told him – that could be dangerous, but he doesn’t take it seriously.
I wish he would, because I am quite serious – I would forget to live when he dies, especially when he dies, because the more I grieve or the more stressed I am, the more I lock myself away and go into what I call an “astral travelling adventure” where I am quite literally channelling through my body to write or paint, and often I don’t hear or feel anything in that state, once in it.
It is hard to get into that state initially if there is discord around the house, but if I go into it before the arguments and ructions start, I can’t hear it… its weird and I doubt I am making sense to those who don’t experience the same as I do.
There are times when Paul wants to feed me, where he knows I can’t hear him or see him, no matter what he does, but he touches me and like a sleepwalker I am literally shocked back into reality and have a little panic attack and calm down and then he tells me that dinner is ready.
It really is like that for me.
Sometimes I thought I should cheat. I should write my poems and then explain what the art should have been, but probably would never get done by me. Just so I can show you more. But then I thought; you wouldn’t understand what I am trying to achieve or understand why I would do that, so should I bother?
I’d really like to paint at least one poem a week, for my YouTube channel that will start at the end of the year. I could paint a picture a day, anything up to seven pictures in time for the vlog, but that is probably all I could do. I couldn’t do anymore art, if I did that without it affecting my stories and sleep time.
Paul likes the idea but also he is a realist and he believes that it would hugely affect how much writing I will produce.
He knows I love art more than writing, but he loves my writing more than my art. He hasn’t experienced much of my music, so he has no opinion on that.
I really do wish that I could physically produce all that I think about at the same speed as my thoughts.