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Changes

I am struggling to eat and sleep properly, not sure really what’s wrong with me; I am barely able to eat more than 900 calories most days now and I am sleeping an average of 5 hours per night.

This is why I am going quieter than normal again.

I am trying hard to keep my activities up but I am just zoning out a lot during the day because I am tired and uncomfortable and there is this strange feeling as though, something in my life is going to be turned upside down… whether for good or bad I am not sure…

I know something big has already happened in my life, I have gained two new freedoms in this past month – one could be life-changing, the other was kind of predicted by me a few years ago.

Paul and I are living together but we are no longer in a relationship – we have our separate rooms and we are starting to kind of get separate lives too – but we’re still friends.  He is more of a guardian of me now, really.

The other change is my personal finance, I have paid off one of my personal debts which helped us get by Christmas to Christmas over the years and soon another debt will be completely gone too.  This will make my £25 per week treat money go up by another £15 in January!  Now that’s not all, because Paul is now officially retired, it means I have the option of self-employment without the guilt of cutting family funds down if I fail.

So Paul is trying to help me learn how to use technology in order for me to do the YouTube channel I am interested in doing and to also learn how to monetise Pinterest, Instagram and this blog.  So for the next month I may be quieter than usual, only doing one to two posts per day whilst I get educated about what I need to do for self-employment.

I am trying to write a business plan out to see where I could potentially earn an income and how; whilst improving my creative outlet, because ultimately I want my job to be creatively based – not just promoting and advertising.

Paul has a good concept I am thinking of running with – putting my poems on Instagram with royalty free videos as one of the things to do. 

As I am getting healthier and able to do more things physically, I think I may be able in a month or two to start going for walks at the local wildlife reserve again and take photographs to sell as postcards and other things.

I particularly like taking photos of dawn and dusk – the twilight hours, I love twilight!  I am not talking about the sparkly vampire novels and movie; I am talking about the time of day!

Our wildlife reserve has a very high hill that is perfect for landscape photography at those times of day for you can see for miles around you – the problem is getting up there when you are sick and not as fit as you used to be!  Five flights of stairs over a twenty minute walk; each step is a different size from 2 inches to 2ft!  Some of the steps you have to hoist yourself up or jump down!  They are wooden and rickety and look like something in a fairy forest because they are covered in moss and lichen and go through the darkest depths of the woods, which can be spooky at times!

Especially as these woods have something the locals call “Screaming deer” a small deer that sounds like a woman being murdered from time to time, unnerving when you get to the shady depths of the wood and you get to see the glimpse of one in the darkness scurrying out the brambles and hopping over the dark stream away from you!

They are a kind of muntjac, not native, but escaped into the British wildlife a few years back!

There are quite a few things I am planning to do, unfortunately a gardening blog and vlog will have to wait until I move away, because the bad neighbour practically lives at his window waiting to see me do anything in the garden before he comes out and harasses me again.

I had thought the garden blog and vlog would actually probably be 50/50 with my writing up until 2yrs ago when that horrible man move in next door!  He is so unpopular in the village he has been more or less banned from three of the local pubs for his obnoxious behaviour and nobody will employ him as a handyman either!

The dog he has he has made vicious lunged at Paul the other day and Paul fell into a dog rose bush and has really nasty gashes all up his forearm – Henry has a phobia of big dogs like that Dalmatian because of what happened when he was a toddler when he was playing in a park, a dog jumped at him and bashed his head hard.  He is OK with little dogs though.

Henry and I don’t use our garden path anymore because of both the man and the dog, we cross to the left and use an alternative neighbours path, which takes us about 300ft out of our way whenever we want to go out to the right side of the street, but at least we don’t get harassed! 

When the dog is in their back garden we can’t be in our back garden either, because it uses their outdoor dining table as a means to jump over the fence to try and attack us yet still Paul won’t complain to the police about it all.

So we are one of the lucky families to have a garden that is bigger than 20ft by 20ft which is rare in this country and area, but we can’t use it because of one neighbour and his dog!

My child stuck indoors all day every day summer or not – just so he is safe!

I am only thankful that I have a washing machine with a dryer, I would hate having to go into the garden risking all sorts of things to hang clothes up like how we used to a few years back!

You know this neighbour has affected my mental health so badly that whenever I so much as think about gardening, I have nightmares of him doing things to sabotage my efforts or hurt me or the family, that night?

Something as simple as a flippant comment about wanting to grow Blue Himalayan poppies as a goal, made me have a horrendous dream about him last night and no doubt today I will have a worse one!

What really ticks me off is that the man isn’t supposed to be living next door, he is a tenant – so it would be easy to have him moved on, but Paul is too nice and passive, just because he is fond of his nice step daughter.

Paul is trying everything he can to appease me about the situation whilst not solving it – he is doing everything he can to try and get me an allotment so I can garden again, but that would mean I have to go 10 minutes down the road to grow my flowers, fruits and vegetables on land that isn’t my own whereas I have a 50ft by 30ft back garden and a 20ft by 30ft front garden which we own!  Not only that but it will cost us around £80 a year for the privilege and we’re limited to what we can and cannot grow there!

Before this bad neighbour became a problem, I gardened so much it saved us £60 a month in fruit and veg, right now we need to garden more than ever – but we’re going hungrier than we should be, because of peace sake.

I’ve never known a man like it and I am talking about both Paul and the bad neighbour here!

I do know one thing – if an apocalypse was to happen Paul won’t help defend me against other men and that’s a scary thought!  Very scary! And I know my fears aren’t unwarranted because I first learned of Paul’s cowardice when Henry was 3 months old, when a man tried to attack me when I was pushing Henry in the pram – Paul was walking several feet behind me, whilst I dealt with the man myself, Paul walked right past us like he was pretending he didn’t know us!

I called after him about what happened when I chased the guy off – he claimed he never saw a thing!  I said, you heard shouting and roaring though didn’t you?  No.

So when I say I literally do a lot by myself, I mean it.  I can’t rely on Paul for anything, the house is falling apart – shrug, too tired and busy to do anything oh and play the poverty card too!

Very convenient for him!

So in the past few weeks in particular, he is becoming less like the Paul I know and more like someone I don’t want to.  He has changed a lot since he felt he could reject me and then reclaim me at the drop of a hat without ramifications… he had a shock when he learned I don’t work like that.  You reject me for someone you haven’t met yet, and then you reclaim me when she turns out to be a fake… on your bike!

So that’s why I am going self-employed and this is why I won’t be giving any of my money to Paul to help with anything.  I will give to my son and for us to eat, but that’s about all I will do –  I have had enough of him sitting pretty thinking I am totally helpless and I want a life – I can’t bare this mediocrity any longer, even I or this lifestyle has to die – one of us and I would rather it not be me!

I would rather not be lonely either, but hey ho, sometimes we’re lonelier when we live with people!

To say I am not heartbroken by how my life has turned out is an understatement; I had hoped I would do better than this!  Much better!

Thanks for reading!

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Tumblr & Today

A few of my friends and followers on my main social media platform have reservations about using Twitter now, so I thought I’d look into other social media platforms so I don’t lose contact with anyone if they don’t want to.

I have opened up a Tumblr account called TheTardyCreative I can’t figure out how to create a profile on there, it appears to be a mini blog site.

I have decided that perhaps I should update things on there a couple of times a day too, in fact I might put a lot more of the diet, exercise and fashion posts on there, but not sure yet, we’ll see how I get along with it.

I had a disturbed 4 hours sleep this morning so I am not going to be at my best writing today. I didn’t sleep until 7am and was disturbed several times until 11:20am when I decided to give up and just wake up.

It’s been a hard day emotionally in this house, things are just getting too much. I am exhausted and not eating because of the stress and I am trying to convince Paul that maybe the hospital is best for Henry after all, or at least try to find a way of getting respite care for Henry because I think, I am going to collapse very soon.

Today I am wearing dog tooth trousers, a white t-shirt and a black cardigan because why not?

Thanks for reading.

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ADHD writer?

I realised for years I said I was hypoactive but really it’s hyperactive – didn’t know they were two very different things!  I certainly don’t have any problem with my sex drive, not that you’d be interested anyway – but, there you go!

Why am I babbling on about this?  Because I wanted it to be clear that I have a hyperactive mind and when my body allows it a hyperactive body too!  Because of this I find it hard to concentrate on things for longer than fifteen to twenty five minutes a time – a long stretch for me – in fact, even ten minutes occasionally is stretching the boundaries of what I can do!

I have to change tasks or I suppose they call it fidget, if I am made to do something for longer than fifteen minutes.

When I am writing – anything, no matter how my flow is or not, I have to stand up randomly, dance whilst writing and even sing!  I need a lot of stimulus all the time when I am writing, but preferably nothing that means I need to communicate with others verbally.  For example, I need music or I need background television turned on something akin to what I am trying to write. 

I will pause as I write and make notes, I will observe the wildlife through a nearby window and I will pet my pets.  After around fifteen minutes of writing, I will check social media and stay there for around ten minutes before hopping back into writing, sometimes quite literally!

I am going to buy a standard desk and put it next to my sitting desk and have the laptop and my desktop on at the same time, so that eventually I can update my cloud with my stories on them and get up from the desk and use the laptop and type whilst standing up – this would benefit my health immensely, whilst catering to my ADHD.

In between writing and social media there are two or three online games I play whilst taking a break from those – such as ovipets.com, candy crush and paper Io.

Sometimes when I get physically jittery, I will randomly get up and walk around the garden once and come back to writing. 

I basically just can’t sit on my buns all day and write; fifteen minutes can sometimes be torture!

On days when my main isn’t so bad, I become really hyperactive as a writer and can write in excess of 4k words in that day and sometimes I have been known to reach 12k in a day!

But these days only tend to happen when my physical pain is significantly low for the day!

I get a lot of people who disbelieve that I can do this, that I can push out more than two thousand words in a day, especially when as far as they are concerned they think I haven’t left twitter for hours!  When in actuality, I have it opened on a tab on my computer and I am only really going back and forth from twitter approximately every fifteen minutes sometimes more, because I get side-tracked with games and other things too!

I just needed this to get out there… I need people to know just how I do things, because it is frustrating that nobody seems to believe me at times.

What makes it worse is my memory.

I endeavour every day to post a word count list, but I often forget to do this and I even forget to add the hand written notes and the laptop additions I do at night after I have shut social media down. 

I am even forgetting to update my goodreads.com account regularly these days, because I am so absorbed in reading and writing and then after two weeks I’ve added that I have read three books seemingly over night, when in fact it was over the two week period!

I am all over the place, I seem disorganised and frantic, but actually I feel quite serene, happy and I am a pedant in organising things – it’s just other people who don’t respect my stuff and move things, that cause chaos in my life!  I am incredibly OCD about things and it drives me nuts living in a house where someone is not meticulous like me and will throw a spanner in my neat and tidy works!

I had spent three weeks once re-arranging all of my books alphabetically and within certain genres around the house, for people to want to browse through my books and dump them wherever they like; same for my DVDs.

I have a pile of papers next to my desk and when I am in bed asleep, as my sleeping schedule is anywhere between 3am and 1pm, usually 5am to 11am if I am honest – I find that someone has opened a window in the living room near my desk and the papers have been blown everywhere and they’ve tried to save my work by not looking at the page numbers and randomly compiling them together again, with a shoe print on one or two and then they wonder why I get mad!

Sometimes a note will blow away without me realising it and ends up under the sofa for months and things like this or little files I have in another room get knocked over by people and they fall out their little plastic pockets and behind a dusty old cabinet and nobody has told me they couldn’t be bothered to rescue it and I find it weeks later covered in spider poo.

It’s hard to be a writer here with that going on, it’s even harder when you have ADHD, OCD and another problem I don’t have a name for, when you’ve found your stuff being disrespected like that you get so upset and disheartened you can’t bring yourself to work that day because you have to try and clean it all up and retype it or cry yourself back to sleep because you fell into a depressive nap.  Whatever that mental problem is, I have that too!

So there you have it, that’s how I work.

I can’t help it and I have tried to change, but its impossible.

Thanks for reading! 

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Explaining the codes

I tried my best to stick to one writing project for nearly three weeks now and I have learned that the concept of “The One Thing” cannot be applied to my life as a writer; I tried to focus myself on just the one project – the Anthropomorphic Dystopian project, but I can’t just focus on one thing at a time.

The aim of forcing me to do one thing at a time was to make me more productive, but for my brain, my ADD brain, it made it less productive.  I was writing overall three thousand words a day less than usual just to stick true to the “one” project.

As soon as I decided to give up the “one thing” concept I decided to start immediately and by the end of the day my words had increased by three thousand again.

Five hundred words to the current project and a further 2800 or so words towards a vampire project; this was not including words I wrote in journals, handwritten, poetic form or blog posts – just words towards novels or stories.

Because I have had some DMs suggesting I am a liar about my word count, particularly as I have nothing published yet, I am going back to what I used to do – that is sharing my daily word counts.  I am going to do this primarily on twitter @CreativeTardy and the words are going to be code worded to whatever project I wrote towards that day!

Here are the meanings behind my code words for twitter.

AD – my anthropomorphic dystopian project (the one I want to send out in October)

B1 – blog posts scheduled

CS – my Christmas special novel

D1 – my number 1 dragon novel

DW – Dystopian warrior story

FN – my number 1 fantasy novel

Ho – my number 1 horror project

J – Journal entries and non-fiction work

MP – morning pages (rarely done these days though)

P1 – The play I am writing

P2 – plans and notes towards new work

PS – Poems and songs written

SP – my number 1 steam punk novel

V1 – my number 1 vampire novel

V2 – my number 2 vampire novel

So, I am doing this to show how much I do actually write as a hobbyist – the word count will improve in September because I consider myself taking this on as an actual job by then; so instead of working whenever I feel like it, I will be writing seriously every day an absolute minimum word count.  Because I am deadly serious that my life is going to begin at forty!

If there is one thing that people who know me personally can say about me is that I am stubborn when I have something in mind.

I work better and more frequently when there are a handful of projects on the go at once; I am a rigorous planner and I have been mulling over these ideas for years now, which means that in my mind, they really are ready for release into the wild, as it were.

From September the 1st 2022, I will be making sure I write a minimum of 3k words a day towards any currently writing novel but I will work for around four hours a day so it could be a higher word count upon reflection, as well as the other stuff on top.  For me, that’s an easy goal, because I do write anywhere between 500 and 3500 on writing days as a hobbyist and I never write for more than two hours in a day.  But in September I won’t be a hobbyist anymore!

I am dedicating 3k to a day, so that I know when I am having a tough day (medically speaking) I can stop and take a breather, but I would have the intention on good days to work for the full four hours, which in my experience, could total up to around 7k!

I’ve worked out the best time for me to write based on school holidays and when Henry has sick days off from school – for me, I will write two hours twice a day.  My best times to write where I am less likely to be disturbed when Henry is home are 1pm to 3pm and 1am to 3am every day.  That’s doable for me because most days I don’t sleep until 4am anyway!

This will mean that from September my social media presence will probably start around 3:30pm GMT till maybe 5pm depends on life circumstances and I may also go on half an hour after I write in early hours too.

Just a heads up that I am about to do some serious writing!

Thanks for reading!

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The wonders of technology

I have been learning a lot about what to do with the technological gadgets I have; I have always had various social media accounts, but never really got to grips with how to make the most of them.

I have only just realised that the “notifications” I get in twitter are not all messages the public give to me, but are actually random posts from people or subjects I follow.  It was very confusing for me for a lot of the time and my wires got crossed a lot!

I have since learned how to tell if something is actually for me or a random public post and it has destressed me a lot!

One thing I am still not clear on in regards to twitter is how to reply to thank someone for retweeting something without having to go to their actual profile page to do so?

I didn’t fully understand the value of twitter as a writer until recently either.  I was always told that as a writer you need a social media presence, but I didn’t understand why.

I realised it’s not all about self-promotion at all, like I was told by other writing friends – It’s all about your personality and who you are.  It’s fascinating to think that I have gained over sixty followers this past week, purely on a heated topic I took part in earlier this week on twitter about gender identity.

I really didn’t think that people really cared about a writer until they’ve read copious amounts of their work and then decided to become a fan.  I didn’t realise in this day and age, your personality accounts for a lot.  People are really into this “influencer” ideology and I have been behind the times for years it seems.

It’s opened up a whole new world to me, I didn’t know this was a thing until I actually bothered to research all this stuff as I am preparing myself for a career in art and writing and I am taking it all very seriously!

I was distraught the other day when I learned that Goodreads was taking away their ability to recommend books to friends option – but then, when mooching around the site I found that there are three little buttons at the top of every book I’ve read where you can share your book on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest; why get upset then?  I can merely click one of those buttons and do it another way anyway!

Although I had a Pinterest account, I had never really wanted to use it as a proper social media until Goodreads took away the recommendations options.  I have made new boards on Pinterest about the kinds of books I read, so my followers can go there and have a look and perhaps get inspired to read something that inspired me.

I have since learned that Pinterest can be monetised without ruining your follower’s relationships and it will earn you a passive income – this is something I will delve into more deeply later on in the month, to see if it’s something I may or may not do.

I have had an Instagram account for a few years now and have never posted a picture on it – but again I learned it can be monetised without affecting follower relationships too, again earning you a passive income each month.  I got an Instagram account because I was friends with a lot of artists who wanted to share their artwork with me and a couple of relatives who like to show their holiday pics up there too.

I have wanted to start doing short poems, art and wildlife photography to put up onto Instagram, maybe with a few inspirational quotes as well?  But not sure when I will take the plunge on that yet! https://www.instagram.com/tardycreative/

I will share my profile from Instagram but you will see its empty more or less.

I am @CreativeTardy on twitter these days.

My Pinterest is https://www.pinterest.co.uk/naturescreativecomrade/ it is called NaturesCreativeComrade because that is my account on google and will be the name of my up and coming YouTube channel.

I bought the webcam and microphone a year ago and still haven’t learned how to set it up; I really ought to get around to it! 

Why did I choose that as my YouTube name?  Because my YouTube channel is going to be about my journey as a writer and an artist, but also a gardener and wildlife photographer; I will also include pet care in the videos.  Writing is not my primary focus on this channel – it will be about my relationship with nature and how it inspires me to become creative.

I focus a lot of my gardening on permaculture, polyculture, food forest, no dig ideologies and completely 100% organic, I heard the bad neighbour is moving by the end of summer, so hopefully I can get back out there – saving the world starts at a garden a time, after all!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About my work

Who is the Tardy Creative?

TardyCreative.com was named mainly because I realised that although I am a writer and I aspire to someday becoming a selling artist, I knew that I have other interests which can sometimes absorb me!

Especially interests regarding gardening, reading, pets and other matters close to the heart, such as the LGBTQ community and generally defining myself as a person, healing from abuse and having fun!

I had wanted this blog to become a broad outlook about me, this was never meant to be a professional blog in which I will sell my books, because to me, this is a personal blog.  When I approach an agent with my work in the future, I will create a professional blog separate but connected to this.

This blog was purely intentionally made to share my life with people and my progressions in my life, including my progression as a creative.

I suffered a lot of abuse from controlling people who moulded me into becoming what THEY wanted; this blog was my attempt at showing the world that I am becoming who I want to become!

Unfortunately until this point, I have done so with some sense of shame and embarrassment.

I have not been confident enough in sharing photographs and things in too many depths, but I am learning to change and I am building confidence, slowly but surely!

Any idea that this was meant to be my actual “Professional” blog is wrong, this is a personal blog, and it always has been!

I am fine tuning myself in various ways in my life at a fast pace, because I am determined that my life really will start at forty, like the old adage says it does!

I need it to work, I need it to happen and I need to stop living in fear!

But ultimately, I need to learn to love myself, be happy in my own skin and I am not.  But I am trying my best to change how I see myself and to learn to love the skin I am in!

I am going to be shouting loud and clear about who I am in up and coming posts, but I do not intend to preach and I do not intend to convert, my intentions are to purely and wholly be me, without shame and to share who I am to the world!

Because hardly anyone knows the real me, they just know the trained, tamed version of me that my mother and other abusers have made me into.

The boring me, the monochrome me, the quiet me, the me that is not me… basically.  My shadow is more me than me!

So, as I fearfully crawl out of this rock, learning technology as I go my way, I am also learning not to fear being rejected for who I really am by the world I am creeping into!

Hello, I am The Tardy Creative, my real name is Tina, but that is going to change soon to something that is more me, it is something I have always intentionally wanted to do – change my real name. 

So I will be forty in October, October the 3rd to be precise and I heard that life begins at forty and I really hope so for me!

I have struggled with two different and very clashing eating disorders in my life, both compulsive eating (when angry, stressed, feeling trapped and bullied) to anorexia and bulimia (when sad, grieving, depressed and sick).  However, when I am relaxed and happy and enjoying life, I have been known to forget to eat because I am in the moment, whether or not that is anorexia or not, I don’t quite know, but it’s a funny thing with me!

I have body dysmorphia, I believe I am really hideous, so I don’t like to share images of myself – I am trying to change my perception of myself, by adding pictures of myself here soon and regularly.  To see whether or not I am as hideous as I think or not! 

Stupid in reflection, because social media is often cruel as it is sometimes kind!

Things most people don’t know about me, is that I am very bisexual or rather pansexual, if I find someone attractive and I get along with them, I will go into a relationship with them, whether man, woman or trans.  I have dated Trans men before and ladies, but I was never open about it.

I am also shy about my own crossdressing forays.  I love to dress as the young dandy of the late eighteenth century but I am also really into Bohemian and kawaii styles too, I am very eclectic and I live each day differently. 

If I could have any magical power I suppose it would be transmogrification, so I can change my looks according to my feelings of the day!

I love to have long hair, but I have alopecia as well as mild trichotillomania (which is triggered when badly stressed or bullied) which is ruining my looks – I have thought about shaving my hair to a very short pixie cut or crew cut and wearing wigs, but I am frightened of doing that, in case of abuse and attack and becoming unattractive to new relationships in my life.

My alopecia is due to malnutrition as I have a digestive disease and pernicious anaemia where I am not able to absorb B vitamins and biotin in particular. 

Despite not wearing makeup much and having a limited wardrobe, I am very fashion conscious and love the fashion industry and watching Vogue on YouTube etc.  I have never been educated in how to use make-up by anyone, except the videos I see online; I am really quite a novice.  I am not confident about knowing what I am doing and this too is something I want to change!

I am not known for wearing dresses, but I am getting into them these days!  I never liked wearing trousers, but I did it because I was told to for so many years, that wearing them became a habit!

I always liked maxi-dresses and skirts and certain styles and colours and up until recently I have been mostly black (influenced as a perfect choice by my mother) and occasionally pink (chosen by Henry and Paul).

I like loud and bright looking clothing and I was told in order to wear bright garish clothing, I need to be a super confident, loud and garish person!  If I am not that, then I will be humiliated by the public and picked on!  So I have avoided it.

This too, will change!

I always felt that nobody is interested in somebody like me, no one wants to hear what someone like me wants to say – but as I am learning more about the social media, the more I have learned that you become who you are, share what you are and you will find your tribe, you will find others like you and the world will become smaller and more inclusive for you as an individual.

Gone are the days of true isolation.

This is why I want to harness using technology and social media, I need to find out for myself that I truly am not alone, that there are people out there just like me, who think like me and like the things I like too – that I am not a weird little thing that needs to be hidden in case it is destroyed by society, like I have always been told I am!

I have the right to exist how I want to exist, so does everybody!  So I am going to fight for it and become exactly who I want to be!

You realise of course I am shitting brick as I am saying this?  Because now I have told this to you all, I have to now actually act upon it… don’t I?

Well, I’ll try…

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About Me

Truth of a luddite

Where the blazes have you been woman?  I suppose that is something you all have been thinking since learning about my forays into technology?

Truth is, I rebelled against my much older brother for years as he demanded that I learn everything about technology and be a techno-head like him.  I pushed against the idea that technology really will drown the old world out and replace it to such an extent that money will eventually become extinct for cyber points instead etc.

We’re close to that kind of society now and it is a sobering thought, because as much as I pushed against it, I am being dragged in by the tidal wave of millions of people who are going in for all of that!

I really believed that more and more people will think like me, drag themselves away from the zombie mind-sets of technology and run for the hills to save the environment from the onslaught of iron, plastic and wires and being pounded by invisible waves of energy because they’ll see the damage it is doing.

I’m sad to say they haven’t and it’s been a long time.

Where have I been indeed?

The honest answer is curled up with a book in the corner of a room, until the bad neighbour came, I would venture into my garden growing everything organically and in permaculture style and trying my best to stick to traditional life.

But I want a writing career and I am not going to be that successful in it, without all the technological stuff. 

Though learning it is fun, I still learn it with pangs of guilt that I am not being true to myself – my nature – my environment and beliefs.

I just wished that technological advancement was more environmentally friendly, healthy and inclusive with nature; instead of drowning out the sounds of nature to the extent the birds are going deaf to each other because of human noise and infrasound.

I want to be trendy like other people, knowing all the new gadgetry off by heart and going with the flow, but I also crave the old ways – the self-sufficiency, the living at one with nature, not fighting with it for space and resources.

This is what I have been struggling with for nearly two decades and I am giving in, I am giving in like all the other millions of people around the world have – but I hope that I still hold true to some traditional ways in spite of this.

I’m not an Amish, but for years I have come close to being like one.  Gardening in traditional ways, no electrical tools, no poisons like pesticides and herbicides, walking barefoot in the garden, knee deep in soil and eating fruit straight from the bushes and trees without thought;  I don’t really want to change that much and I am likely not to.

But I like having a social media presence.

I know I am quiet, but I am one of these strange people in the world who don’t like to talk unless I have something to say or that I feel the words that come out of my mouth have to have some kind of meaning… I don’t like engaging in very negative conversations or gossip, so this makes me an anomaly to many.

I don’t follow people just because they’ve followed me, I have to like what they have to say, I have to connect somehow – if I don’t, I won’t follow, because I don’t believe in boosting a person’s ego and presence, unless there is something about them I like. 

Why?  Because I am old fashioned, I believe your connections represent who you are as a person and if I connect with the wrong kind of person, because I don’t really know who they are, then that could be damaging to me.

I think this is something that is wrong with social media; people don’t understand that association can affect your own reputation.  It might not be like that these days, but to me it still stands.

These are what have made me hold back with technology a bit.

But I am open to change; I am not that stubborn or stupid.

But I do have a big hang up on my looks, I believe I am hideous and I struggle on an emotional level to share photographs of myself.

But I have to get used to it.

It’s the way of the world now.

I am not happy in my own skin and I would appreciate some love as I have had way too much abuse and negativity in my life, that it’s darkened me as a person, my light is almost going out – I need to regain my spark.  It went years ago.

I am very apprehensive online and I make loads of mistakes when trying to chat with people, by sending posts before they’ve finished etc.

Thanks for reading!

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All this techno stuff

I was a luddite, but since learning stuff about technology lately and embracing that it is a large part of everyone’s life nowadays, I have learned to like it more.

Even more importantly, I have learned what the heck I am supposed to be doing online with all this techno stuff!

I have been learning how to make banners for my websites and how to post pictures and videos, I intend to start a YouTube channel by the end of the year – so I am learning all of that.  My son Henry is helping me a lot with this, because he is learning website design and programming, because he wants me to be the coolest creative mum on YouTube, or should that be YT?  See, I am even starting to learn the choppy down speech people use on social media, or is that called text speech?

I’m learning from my son, this stuff is amazing and I was scared of it… it seems laughable now, but it is tragic that someone who is turning forty in October has the technological mind-set of an average eighty year old!  I need upgrading!

Oh my God, the Cyber-men are coming for me!

Thanks for reading… I hope the upgrade won’t be a painful experience?

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Heads up twitter followers

This is happening on a regular basis now; on twitter I gain 2000 followers, then the very next day they all get deleted, twitter is doing this for some reason or another – most of my followers don’t even know this has happened to them.

I have noticed it is also happening to popular friends too, that I am being forced to unfollow them by what seems to be them… but then I realise that they too, have this issue… what is happening on there?

Just a heads up in case you’ve been removed as a follower!

Thanks for reading!

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A day in serious writing

People have asked me to share what my hardest working day in writing looks like generally; basically from what my friends have experienced when staying with me, it contains too much stimulus during my work that they get terrible headaches within the hour of just watching me, let alone having it as part of their own writing regime!

But I will give you the general gist of what my serious writing days look like!

I wake up and it can take around ninety minutes for me to clear my chest before I can even get out of bed!

My instant reaction is to drink a small glass of water and then find some caffeine, either Pepsi original or a black sweet coffee and a salty snack or apple.

I open my computer, wait for fifteen minutes for it to load up and update stuff.  My instant reaction is to update goodreads, if I have been reading the night before.

I put on my choice of music to get me into the mood for writing a specific scene I left off from last time. 

To warm my brain up I write a blog post, some poems or research the latest in fantasy, horror and sci-fi entertainment or I look at my aspiration quotes in my positivity diary, depends on my mood when I woke up.

This can be a further ninety minutes before actually writing towards a novel.

I tend to avoid emails until after writing, because a bad email can completely throw my day!

Whilst writing, depends on the scene and my mood, I may switch the music to some TV or YouTube background stimulus, of scenes and subjects I am working on, it’s my attempt to try and move myself out of reality for a while.

When I am writing, I tend to write in fifteen minute bursts, pause, read what I have done, talk to someone who is around for a few minutes, watch or listen to more stimulus for around fifteen minutes, before continuing on different work entirely.

If I am on a roll, I generally can keep the roll for up to three hours if I am completely undisturbed, this never happens in this house before midnight!  So if I want a long roll in my writing, I have to start this after midnight generally!  Depends on how busy my household is during the day – what I mentioned here, is my serious working day when Henry is at school.

But a majority of my work is done between the hours of midnight and four AM, when I used to take my writing more seriously!

Because of the kinds of stimulus I need and I am deaf, I have to rely on headphones to get the full benefit of the stimulus at those hours in the night, because how loud I need it to be to be functional is anti-social!  My hearing is at just less than 1 hertz in my right ear and 6.7 hertz in my left!

So generally I work in fifteen minute bursts, rest for fifteen minutes and whilst resting from novel writing, I am actually preparing blog posts, writing poetry or increasing the stimulus to prepare me to write more.  Reading books and watching appropriate similar scenes elsewhere or looking for art similar to the scene I am writing about.

So, in fifteen minutes I average at writing two hundred and fifty words!  On my serious writing days, towards one novel I will sometimes get three thousand words done, my record has been twelve thousand words, but that was when I couldn’t break my roll and even went hungry for it!

My average words in a serious writing day I would say is anywhere between fifteen hundred and four thousand words, depends as I said, on my mood, stimulus and household noises.

But ultimately I write towards one of four projects day to day and only treat one as the serious project, which is likely to get the fifteen hundred to three thousand words done in the day – the others may get anywhere between two hundred and fifty to a thousand words done.

My average daily word count on a serious writing day towards all current projects could estimate anywhere between two thousand and eight thousand words!

But on my not so serious writing days, it averages around eight hundred words to three thousand towards all projects, including blog posts and poetry!

I think in the past five years, since my burn out, I have a serious writing day about once a week, when I am sick, like I was between February and May this year, I got nothing written whatsoever.

For the past three weeks I have got back into the swing of writing again as I am not as ill as I have been, still sick, but it’s not enough to completely keep me in bed!  So I have been writing around two thousand five hundred words per day, usually towards practise snippets, ideas, blog posts and poetry.  I have not yet started to add towards my current projects.

Though saying that, I have scheduled this post in advance, this post was written on the 24th May 2022 and I believe in the next couple of days I will be writing towards my comic project and one novel project a lot, because it’s really grinding at me in my head, it won’t let me ignore it anymore.

So I think the brain is going to win by the 26th.

The reason I haven’t written towards the novels now is because I am trying so hard to decide which way I want the character to go.

The character I am working on is a complexed character with a complexed past and a huge twist at the end of the plot, but the thing is I need to be sure how he is going to react to his daughter’s decision accurately and realistically, in order for it to feel believable to my readers.

Because what she does is a pretty big thing that will take some digesting!

The problem comes at this – Paul is the only person I can talk to about my writing and he is so neutral all the time and says that everything is good, I can’t be sure if it really is!  I am too sick to go to regular writer’s group’s offline and I have been trying to decide if I should do an online group instead.  But I am scared of sharing my work with strangers, because once bitten twice shy and all that!

I’ve had my work stolen by longstanding family friends before!

I don’t like being on my own regarding this, I do need a group, but a lot of my friends who write abandoned me as soon as they knew I was having a baby in 2009.

Happy reading!

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