Tag Archives: sadness

Blessed stinging eyes

My eyes are stinging with the breaking of my heart

All joy is vacant here

The shadows are inviting me to a party

But I decline

The light offers me its blessings

But I deny

I am OK in this state

For in this state I am learning

I don’t always know what my lesson is

But to me

To me I will learn in any case

Eventually…

I don’t wallow in self-pity and sadness

To me everything is education

Although I am swallowed up by tears, I feel blessed

I have a blessed life

Things could be much worse than this

Gratitude goes a long way

Even if you don’t enjoy what it is you have

At least things are not worse than this

That is why I am blessed

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In memory of The Queen.

The whole family has been affected greatly by the loss of our Queen.

We have been stunned to say the least, like the whole world has and it is a big adjustment to get used to. 

I have never met the Queen but Paul has on a couple of occasions because he used to be an officer in the Royal Navy, it sort of came with the job and so it has hit Paul the hardest here.

I think I speak for us all when I say, we will miss The Queen.

May people remember her for all the good she has bought to the world.

May she rest in peace!

Thank you all for reading.

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Filed under Home and Family

I tried

My soul is dead

It’s gone and buried

It died slowly these past nine years

It was awful

Painful and harried

I tried to save myself

So much, alone

But there is only so much you can do

When the birds eat the seeds you’ve sown

You try to pick yourself up

Brush yourself down

But then you look around you

All you see are frowns

No one is happy here in this place

The house is a mess, no it’s a disgrace

You try to smile and spur them on

To pick themselves up and sing a happy song

But they frown harder still and scream for silence

It’s funny to think I chose this over violence

It’s a funny old world

But I do not laugh

I’ve not had a life, not even half

I’ve tried to pull through all the shit and decay

I’ve done it alone but I’m covered in heavy clay

Of the burdens of my choices

The ones I thought best

But instead the path I fell to

Was an utter mess

It’s weighing me down

All this clay

I am growing tired to fight or play

I just can’t cope anymore alone

I’m just not happy in my own home

I need to try harder I guess

But I feel weak, drowned in mess

I don’t have the spark anymore to try

I only wish that I could die

I need to start again

In another life

I can’t go on

But at least I tried

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Filed under About Me, poetry

Artwork of never Part 1 (p1)

Based on my, “Say goodbye to the blue”, poem.

1st picture

The moon crying tears down onto a world, causing chaos and flooding in human cities. 

2nd picture

A happy girl giving a depressed girl a key wrapped up in a pink bow as a gift with a tag that says “key to happiness”.

3rd picture

A person swimming upstream of a river filled with thorns and rocks.

4th picture

A thoughtful girl with a chess board, thinking hard about her next move, each chess piece is different; the king is a golden microphone, the queen a shopping voucher, the bishops representing two potential love choices, etc.

5th picture

The depressed girl, sailing with a hopeful smile on her face out of the river of thorns, stones and urine and into the blue sea of hopeful happiness, filled with islands all the things that could bring her joy!

6th picture

The depressed girl, no longer depressed, but happy, smiling up and waving goodbye to the blue crying moon in the distance of the shadowlands whilst she is on her island of happiness and sun!

These art pieces would take me thirty to fifty hours to produce, hence why they are the artworks of never; they are likely never to be produced.

Sad I know, but if you saw the post yesterday you’d understand why.

Happy reading!

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Filed under Arts & Crafts

Can I be a butterfly?

The enthusiasm to talk is leaving me

The thrill to communicate is strange to me

When I open my mouth, I am shut down again

Because people kick me down so I can never mend

Joy is an alien world to me

Happiness is something I’ve never seen

Fear is a place that I call my home

Down to the dumps is the place that I roam

I fake positivity at every turn

Trying to change my life, because I yearn

To feel better things, like elation and approval

From this dim place I seek a removal

I thought I found someone who would help with that

But then it turned out they were full of scat

I am no better here than I was there

I am stuck in this situation and nobody cares

I can’t leave this place, I am too sick and I am poor

Can someone show me how to open this door?

I can’t help but feel trapped in this hell called life

I’m sorry to those who I’ve hurt if my words cut like a knife

But you promised me this and then gave me that

Every lie from your mouth pours on me like scat

I can’t keep a life that is poison to me

I am drowning in the grey toxicity

I can’t do this alone

For years I have tried

My spirit is dying… no it has died

I find it hard to feel

I find it hard to speak

I am growing every day more emotionally weak

I can’t see the horizon for all of the clouds

Surrounded by depression, suffocated by the crowds

I am feeling trapped and I need a way out

To positive thoughts I used to be devout

But now I give up

I can no longer see, the sunny situation seems far from me

I am falling fast

Am I about to fail, following the path of a better trail?

I really don’t know what I should do

I am trying to find my tribe, my encouraging crew

But then I go home

And things kick me again

Kick me down every time I think I found my zen

It is like, his only joy

Is to disappoint me, his sullen toy

Keep me alive with vague little promises

But he always forgets what a promise is

I can’t keep living this way anymore

I need to find the key to open this door

I need to get out before I drown in tears

Like Alice lost in Wonderland, only I have lost years

I need to get out and get myself a life

Because I can’t cope in this grey life of strife

It is killing me slowly

My heart is almost gone

I need to spread my wings, instead of singing swan song

This little caterpillar, needs to find her cocoon

To wrap herself up so she can bloom

Into a butterfly that she’s meant to be

Then fly into the world, happy and free

Am I really a butterfly, is that really me?

Can I become a butterfly?

Can I be free?

Clear the clouds away, so that I can see

That happiness is a place, where I can be!

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A moment or seven

When the world is cold and grey, I try to think another way

I think of rainbows, I think of hearts

I think of bunny rabbits and parks

I think of sunshine, whilst it rains

I think that life is just a game

I don’t dwell on gloom and glum

For bad thoughts are not my chums

I train myself almost everyday

To learn to think this other way

Though it is hard, but it can be done

I should know, for I once lacked sun

I dwelt in darkness and pity and shame

That’s something I won’t do again

But let it be known that my poems can be dark

But that’s just because I know the flowerless park

I have been there, but it doesn’t mean I dwell within it

I am here to teach you, how to spin it

Right around, so you can know

How to bring sunshine to melt the snow

So, when you are feeling down in the dumps

Don’t lean back upon your stump and think of woe is me, for I am woed

Just think of teddy bears dressed in gold

Think of strong arms lifting you up and think of things to cheer you up

Don’t sit and think about the pain or else you will get soaked in rain

Run around with your spirit free; think of all the happiness and glee

It’s your mind you’ve got to train!

Even if you don’t remember it, just sit back and then invent it

What will make you happy today?  Now don’t get sarcastic make it pure and true

What would you have if you could make anew?

What sings to your soul and makes you vibrant?

Then go to that place in your head, be a migrant!

Because you won’t get better if you intend to dwell on all the things that makes life hell!

Only you can find your heaven

Just think about it for a moment or seven

Think about it until it’s true

Don’t let depression rule over you!

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I cry for you

Life is hard for many

It is made worse by some

Everyone wants peace on Earth

Everyone wants some…

Love and understanding

Acceptance, friendship, peace

Everyone wants the judgement of them to cease

Why is it so hard to learn to love others so?

Why can’t you stop your judgements and learn to let them go?

Why is it so important?

To demand that others change?

When it’s not your life at all, not everyone’s the same!

Why is it those who shout the loudest about life and love and light, who are the ones who shout out hatred and brings to others plight?

It’s a weird sort of tragedy that they do not see

The evil that is in them, because they hate you and me

They try to control us with venom about Hell and pain and more

But they don’t realise their evil words leaves us sore and raw

It’s a kind of irony; they don’t practise what they preach

They are spreading love and kindness, yet they beat us when they teach

It’s a sorry world when they rule us, it’s sorrier when they don’t learn

That every time they beat us, God’s stomach sits and churns

What can he do with his children?

Who sit and think this way?

What can he do about the evil, when they think their words are a good relay?

The more that converts to the words of hate and lies

The more God sits back and hear the innocent cries

It must pain God to see who is right and who is wrong

This is a difficult endeavour, to end this rhyme and song

Because no one will listen

No one really cares

Because everyone has a way of thought, a life to which they swear

But hopefully someday

The world will see a change

Where hypocrisy has ended and people start to care

I’m unhappy here

In a world that’s hard to be

A complete individual, a person that’s truly me

I hide behind a mask

Because I am scared of hate

But hate comes hardest from the lovers, the ones who love to hate

I’m sorry if I hurt you

With my tears and cries

But I have never asked you, to go into a corner and die

Because I am bisexual, because I don’t worship Christ

Because you fear I will burn in Hell if I don’t take your advice

You can’t see this is cruel, you can’t hear your evil words

Because you believe you’re right, to me you sound absurd!

We all find God in our own way, who are you to judge?

I believe God loves us all and doesn’t hold a grudge!

Because if he hates me for who I am – then why did he make me so?

It’s a question I have always asked and nobody really knows

But in the bible God has said he knew us before we were born

So doesn’t that say a lot… why are we as a society so torn?

I can’t answer it, but right now I am sad and deeply forlorn

Because you can’t love me, like a sibling would

Because you judge me so

Don’t you consider you are hurting God as well as me, no?

You pray for me, that I don’t go to Hell

I pray for you as well

Because I see you are blind in your hate for me

I cry deeply in this tragedy

Because hate is evil and you don’t see…

I do believe in God

Do you believe me?

I don’t gaslight, I share my love

I share my tears and woe

I truly do cry for you and the things you do, please know

I cry every night, because you really care

But you still don’t see the evil that you share

My life is very lonely

But with God I have a friend

For he doesn’t judge me as I am what he did intend

I can’t say any more than that

But I do love you despite the spat

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Control your thoughts

With fresh eyes I look into my future with wonder

What shall I plunder in my coming days?

Shall I be sweet, forever young?

Shall I be truly me in all ways?

Or is my future full of dung?

I don’t know

But I do know – you are what you think!

If your thoughts stink

You will sink into outer space

You’ll fall in disgrace

What a waste – of time and energy

Thinking about bad things, are you your own enemy?

I just know, good things flow in unpolluted waters

So let the bad thoughts go

Let them wash away

So you can play in tears of joy, not dismay!

I hope you’ve heard the words I have said

Will you be happy before you are dead?

Fill your mind with happiness

Put joy into your head!

Wear a smile on your face

And do what I said

Think good thoughts and let the bad ones go

Thinking happy thoughts will make life glow!

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Filed under poetry

The death of a heart

I am turning blue with the death of my heart

Love and tranquillity is soon to depart

Numbness crawls over my soul and my flesh

Pain is the only thing I have left

This song is a song of tears, but in vain

For I have become overcome with pain

Tragedy is the sweet song of success

Of a life lived in evil and chaos and stress

Darkness has always been a friend dear

Envelopes me with kindness as it shields me from fear

I lack a good heart, a mind and a soul

For sin has now taken its toll

My heart is dead, my emotions are gone

I am finding it hard to keep on

There’s no warmth in this place for me

I have forgotten its feeling, forgotten glee

Don’t cry for my heart nor for my soul

I had it coming; sin has taken its toll

I sit in the darkness surrounded by friends

Who all feel the same, who are all near the end

The end of their heart, not in their life

The end of feeling all things including strife

Maybe it is better this way for us all?

To not feel a thing, to become numb to all?

So quickly this can happen, when little things do

So quickly the death of a heart will ensue

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The art of indifference

Struggling with depression on a major scale in the past four days, it could either be because of my immune system crashing around me, my hormones or the fact that there is something I miss deeply and no one understands.  I am desperate to express myself on this matter, but I can’t without coming across as nuts, so I don’t bother.

No one understands the kind of person that I am, I have tried in the past to talk it through with other people, but let me tell you, there is only so much another person’s mind can take, before they switch off and decide perhaps you’re too messed up to talk to again?

Yet to me the only thing that remains abundantly clear to me and would be very healing to me is this… just talking freely with a non-judgemental person, whilst snuggling with said person and being loved, genuinely loved, without obligations for anything other than my reciprocation to them.

The kind of person I am, the liberal-mindedness that I have as well as my spirituality makes me a difficult person to befriend. 

The notion that I see everyone as family, but will avoid certain people if they make me feel supressed or judged in any way, is something that some people find hard. 

The fact that I believe in open relationships and I am bisexual and I am quite open about my likes as dislikes as I am not ashamed of who I am, so why should others be?

 The fact that I am both a humanist and a spiritual person; which cannot really describe my beliefs as I am my own unique mix: 

The idea too that I am healing from a huge mass of abuse and hiding a truly awful history and only tell people the thin surface of my life via getting in touch with my inner child and creative self, which means to onlookers think I am an irresponsible weird, immature, Pollyanna who is a tad too spooky for their liking. 

The idea I grow and eat weeds in my garden and let most of my garden be wild and talk to the wildlife that I come across as freely as any child. 

The idea that I get hyperactive after consuming candies and I react like any high child would!

The fact that I get so absorbed by my own imagination and blocking out the bad stuff in my mind from the past with fantasy after fantasy, to the extent I lose track of time and sometimes forget how old I am. 

All of this… is hard for other people. 

Which I find ironic, because I have actually lived through harder things that just listening and observing someone healing themselves!  It’s quite funny really, that people have the audacity to tell me, that they find my life too hard for them, that they have to leave.  Don’t they realise that in order to heal and be better, they need someone to care, but someone who can be impartial, just a listener, just a support with kind words and affirmations.  That just sharing who you are as raw as possible, should build such a strong friendship, a bond to last?  It’s not someone trying to offload their burden onto your shoulders, that is impossible, you could never feel as bad as that person feels, because your experiences are different! 

Until those moments, a lot of those people in my past were very nearly, very close friends with me.  But they, like everyone, wants to know you more and want to pry into your secrets, but then they run away when once they know the true past you’ve hidden from them!  My past is not criminal, my past is not the past of a junkie or a drunk or an abuser of any sort, my past is the past of a victim.  That is all.  I could understand if my personal past was more sordid, but it’s not, that’s what baffles me the most! 

I often want to shout at people who decide they can’t cope with what they know about me to the extent they can’t look at me anymore, but I don’t because I am very passive by nature.  I am very accepting that nobody really cares and I am alone on an emotional level in the world and perhaps always will be.

I want to shout out “Well what about me?  I can’t do that, gee thanks for leaving me to cope on my own then, you coward”!  Who needs friends like those anyways?

Then there are those who say they would stick around, if only I cried.  It’s the fact that I don’t cry that gets people thinking it’s a lie.  They don’t consider that showing emotions and crying is actually extremely bad in my family and that being an emotional person is beaten out of you!  You are around violence so much that you learn when someone shouts at you, that you don’t take their eyes off them a moment, you stare unblinking at them and don’t show emotion, because it could be dangerous if you did.  Much better to switch everything off whilst staying fully alert at all times! 

So, because I don’t cry, they think I lie. 

It is this reason that I find it hard to truly heal, even therapists have had to give up my case because they too, couldn’t cope and they were in tears, whereas I was passing them the tissues with dry eyes unmoved by them!

Ironic

This is why I often dream of suicide, dream of starting again.

But I am terrified.

Because if life is a lesson that I have to learn before I am allowed better things, then do I have to live through all of this again in another life?  Hell no!

I can’t!

My soul will surely self-destruct if that were true!

Thing is, I do cry.  I cry all the time, alone in my bed when no one is around.  I cry alone in the spare room, if it is night time, because its ingrained into me, no one should see you being weak, not ever, not no how!

Happy Reading I suppose, I wasn’t happy writing this and felt I should delete it, but who knows, maybe you’ll care?

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Filed under About Me