A warning first and foremost as this post digressed hugely into talks of so-called sordid activities and smut, when it was namely about my poetry.
Sometimes I write poetry and delete it thereafter because I am ashamed and I don’t want anyone to ever see it; other times I write poetry and I can’t bear to destroy it, but I am also slightly ashamed to want to publish it anywhere, so what do I do with those?
I put them into my cloud in a file called “Never Publish”. What is the point of this you may ask? I may as well delete them like I have others, what makes these ones so special?
Honest answer is I don’t really know and for some, I know that I need to verbally read these poems out to people for their opinions before I publish them.
Most of the ones I lock away in shame are about sex and some other non-sexual but dark views, views beyond suicide or graphic detailing of body horror, many of which are from my past bad memory stores.
Some of these poems pertain to the BDSM lifestyle and others to the occult – and because some people can’t understand a writer who can write from different perspectives of their own and they often label the author as being “whatever” label fits at the time pertaining to the subject they’ve written at the time; I am quite nervous to be branded a “whatever” wrongfully.
My point is. I believe a whole caboodle of things and I write from many perspectives; I am able to separate another person’s point of view away from my own and write as though those were my thoughts and feelings and I think to be a good writer, this is an essential skill to learn but it is fraught with difficulties and discrimination from others who may misinterpret you as a person.
This is why I don’t share a few of the things I write and I won’t even do so under a pseudonym.
Some poems are created and burned alive screaming, some are written and hidden in shame and others published online or waiting to be sent to a poetry magazine when I feel confident that I am a poet.
I’ve been in denial of being a poet for years, how is that for amusement?
I have often been heard saying “I’m not a poet, I just write poems from time to time because I am bored, I’d rather liken myself to a lyricist who can’t compose because I can’t access my software anymore”; Look really darling it’s the same thing, but try drumming that into me… it doesn’t always register.
Tonight I wrote one of the NEVER PUBLISH poems and they won’t even be published, why? Because it pertained to quite graphic sexual acts of sodomy and I knew that for some people this could be offensive. I just wanted to write something dark and sordid because I am feeling more than a little playful and dirty tonight and yes, I am quite open to say that sodomy for me is not a sin – so that’s what I came up with and I didn’t mean to offend anyone with it but rather entertain lustfully – but I had my reservations because of the sensitive people in society who will think that I am just either simply disgusting or that I am offensive to their sexuality.
Whereas to me, I was merely celebrating it in true revelry and the poem really showed the primal urges of humanity at their most base and animalistic level, but I know in some ways I went too far!
Sex can sometimes make us feel dirty, make us feel like unwonted creatures and this is what was portrayed in the poem I stashed away. True delicious filth and yes a woman can relish in homosexuality of men and sodomy in general, I relish in pleasure by definition and I enjoy observing the pleasures of others, is that so evil of me?
Don’t answer it, I don’t want to hear those dogmatic views.
I don’t think that’s an act of evil, do you? Not if I love it, not if I don’t judge it, not if I don’t hate it… what do you think?
I have personally done a lot of art over the years pertaining to sex and what some people in society would call “Sleaze or smut”; I like drawing sexual figures, sometimes in abstract, sometimes in caricatures and I get immense pleasure from it. But, I was raised to feel ashamed about being proud of sex and my sexuality and you know… stay a quiet good girl and don’t show public feelings for whoever you are with. Shocking girl!
Who do you think you are to constantly be touching your partner as you are out and about, don’t you care that you might embarrass them? But for me, no… it’s not like that, I like touching and being touched, if I give a person the permission to do so that is! Being in a sexual relationship with someone, why not? It’s a given, isn’t it?
I like the protective reassurance of a man who constantly touches me in public if I am his – holding my hand, guiding me to places, snuggling up against me and warning the world off with one glare over my shoulder as he embraces me from behind. Why not show the world how you feel about each other?
My only concern with this is that I am so easily turned on the whole world will know I am gagging for it and can’t control myself, that’s my only fear with it!
My whole life I have been a very sexual being from quite young – mostly with myself as pitiful as that sounds – ha-ha!
Time and again I have entered relationships where the other partner has not been very tactile and to find someone who likes to be touched in my experience seems rare and few and it’s disappointing to say the least and it affects my confidence as a lover and often makes me feel rejected by them and used – I say used because it is like they can touch me when the feelings catches them but I can’t touch them!
I’ve got out of the habit of being tactile myself and now I am free and available again to look for a new relationship I am afraid that I may come across as rigid as over the years the touchy touchy me has been trained out!
Yes anyone can be sexual and they can have lots of sex and talk about it whilst they drool, but do they really understand it? Do they really have what it takes to be a genuinely sexual person who isn’t shy about it? I am no exhibitionist, but I am proud of my sexuality.
For me sex is more than just dip and go or rather in my experience with men I’ve had dip and collapse in five minutes flat!
I am no whore and I am not constantly gagging for it with any Tom, Dick and Harry, no offense to any Thomas, Richard and Harold’s out there – however, I am not a person who is just all talk either, like most potential and actual lovers in my past appeared to have been.
I’ve had lovers who are look but don’t touch, I can penetrate you, but you can’t do a thing to me, I want you to suck me but I won’t suck you types. Selfish lovers, lazy lovers… I am not like that.
I am a snuggle type too, I don’t like going off to my own side of the bed clutching a pillow and not touching my partner whilst I sleep – I expect to be snuggled most of the night or be touched in some way – I don’t like how people join and then separate so readily like they don’t matter to each other. The only time this is marginally ok is if it is a super heat wave!
I don’t like the fuck and sleep aspect either, where’s the pillow talk and the extra tease?
Why is sex always rushed a two minute breast fondle, a five minute dip and an all-night collapse… what the heck is that all about?
One of my exes once told me that my drive is too high, I need to get it seen to, it’s not right and it’s not natural.
I’ve been told so many times that “It’s not right or natural for a woman to like porn; it’s not right or natural for a woman to think about sex so much to the extent of writing about it or talking about it or drawing lewd pictures of people having sex as often as you do”, apparently.
It’s not natural for a woman to be overly sexual, talkative about being overly sexual and proud of it either and being very open about what she likes and dislikes regarding it.
But the thing is it is; only few women do, because most aren’t brave to voice it and do it, because of backlash.
Because as women we are meant to be docile and discreet and good little girls!
The girl who talks about it a lot must be a whore, must be dirty, must be tarnished goods – they don’t believe that a sexual woman can actually be good and loyal and clean and not whores at all.
I’ve had many partners in my time who had their sexual pleasures with me, but not many of them ever actually penetrated me, surprise, surprise and not all of them have been same sex partners either. Most of it was heavy petting and BDSM games without any vaginal penetration outside of toys.
If you think about how many sexual play partners I have had there would a few, but how many were penetrative and actually performed proper traditional sex with me? Two consensually! That’s all, two – but to think about my sexual experiences and the number I have played with, you’d think I was a whore, because you would have wrongly presumed they all put their member inside of me somehow and they hadn’t.
Primarily because I do not like taking contraception, but that’s a different subject altogether!
Women will have a hard time believing that there are men in this world who can be around a naked woman playing with her bits and never being tempted to thrust into her within minutes, but in my experience they do exist and they appear to be quite common actually.
I’ve slept with several men who never touched me too, just sleeping with them and never doing more than just kissing a little and a hug now and again, women too. Yes this can happen, no sex.
Sex shouldn’t be taboo, it’s the most ancient activity in the world and we’ve been doing it for millions of years and if we hadn’t have, we wouldn’t exist, would we?
Societies are prone to trying to hide their most primal instincts and they shouldn’t – it’s not healthy, in fact it’s very mentally damaging.
I am contemplating getting a smaller bed in my bedroom so I can bring my art table upstairs so I can do more art – because as I am getting advanced in years, I am becoming much more shameless and a lot more embracing my true self and the art I want to produce is not really something for a thirteen year old boy to feast his upon!
I want to write more sexual poems and I want to draw more sexual pictures. I accidentally took the wrong sketchbook with me to the dentist a few years ago and dropped it, a woman picked it up for me and wide eyed saw the nudes and the sexual art I had done inside the book and she said to me – Oh my goodness, you are just like Tracy Emin only better!
At the time I had no idea who Tracy Emin was, but when I researched her, I liked her ballsy art, but mine does appear to be more graphic and doesn’t leave much to the imagination!
When I was quite young, I was unprotected from the adult world and sex was thrusted into my face at most angles, my innocence to these sorts of things went when I was around four or five years old; things on the TV, sordid parties I observed through the bannisters my parents had all sorts of things and I often found things around the house that were quickly snatched from my hand only to learn they were mummy’s toys.
A huge contradictive upbringing I had, devout religious parents who literally believes in beat the devil out of the child, spare the rod and spoil the child and children should be seen and not heard types – but at the weekends getting pissed in front of the said child and partying like we’re in Babylon!
Oh and don’t forget the small one serving bottles of babycham for the kids to make them grow up more human! You get that from the age of five, after your fifth Christmas and every party thereafter!
When I was a lot younger I thought I’d have healthy lungs to pollute so I can smoke, because I have a smoking fetish and I always saw myself as one of those ladies who had cigarette extensions and called everyone Darling and wore a red silk turban with a brooch in the centre and laughing like a kookaburra at cocktail parties.
I used to watch late night TV alone in my bedroom on my black and white TV, mostly looking for Godzilla but oftentimes there were adult movies and gameshows on channel 4. I watched them as a child without a real bedtime when I was home educated and nobody bothered me after 2am.
I’d watched all sorts of things that would make a decent parent cringe! I was told never to reveal my favourite shows to people outside the family if they ever asked, because I liked things such as “Tall guy”, “the man with two brains”, “euro trash” and “band of gold” as my childhood favourites, the latter is a program about prostitutes!
I remember sitting with neighbour kids and cousins some nights watching these shows and we used to have big discussions about it all and what we’d do when we grow up! Some of those were suppositions of whether or not we would sell ourselves or not if we were adults!
I fully planned to grow up having all sorts of cheeky things around my house like penis ornaments and big red lips leather sofas and all sorts of funny, quirky things just for a laugh.
You’d be surprised of the imaginings of a 10yr old that was raised unprotected from the adult world!
I tried smoking as soon as I became of legal age and after just six weeks I gave it up because of a chest infection, I was sad, because I had only just perfected blowing circles and got into the fun hobby of blowing smoke into bubbles!
I always liked a smoky room until I developed asthma in my early 30s.
How I got into talking about all of this when this post was meant to be about what I am doing with my poetry and art, I have no idea – but I am having fun with all these revelations and no I am not drunk. I haven’t had a glass of wine since Christmas!
And you can stop the “yeah but what else have you had in the meantime?” snipe too, I have behaved myself, so now so should you – you naughty, naughty readers you!
So there you have it – well you are lucky, lucky people if you do…
So now you know, that there is more to me than just snuggles and rainbows, there is a very passionate woman inside of me who is learning to embrace the idea of coming out in full fervour and using her passions for both sex and creativity to the fullest of its potential and to Hell with the prudish shoot downs from a society who is waiting to suppress my most primal expressions!
I’ve been trying to behave for decades and its boring as heck! I am bored of men who just don’t have it in them! When I want a pervert they are either excessively so to the point my stomach churns or they are just all talk!
It takes a lot to make my stomach churn by the way, believe me!
Now, does this mean that my poem about sodomy is going to get published now, right here, at the bottom of this post (no pun intended).
Spoil sport, I hear you say!
Sorry, maybe someday, but not today…
You’ll get some smut eventually, but goodness knows when!
Thanks for reading and remember… God said go forth and multiply! I often wondered if that was translated exactly true to word? was it actually “I deleted my true idea of the translation due to the idea that an atheist (Paul) heard it and though it was blasphemous for some people and I am not an atheist at all but found it funny, so I got into a flux and deleted it!
P.S There is likely a similar and more edited version of this on my blogger account in a day or so.