Tag Archives: relationship

Cross of changes

This time last year I would struggle to see how my habits and day to day activities would have changed so much in such a short space of time – I would want to question, what’s happened to me?

I still do… but I think I know what’s happened…

Yes, it all goes back to my instinct that everything is going to change soon and I mean everything!

For me on a personal level, on all levels of personal life – not the world, this isn’t some kind of big major worldwide prophecy; no… it’s very personal to me.

I think this energy has spurred me on to fight for life a bit.

Though I do have setbacks, I am not as depressed as I used to be and I am not so absorbed in unhealthy things and trying to zone out as much as I was.  As I said, I do have setbacks; there are days where I wonder if I should bother to fight – but then this energy shows up and acts like some kind of motivational coach with me.

Don’t dare give up on the idea of “me” kind of energy!

Somebody is coming into my life soon, I can feel it – and I think they have a strong spiritual connection to me whoever they might be.  They don’t want me giving up on them, because by not focusing on changes in my life and by not fighting for my life, I would have given up on them!

Now this can all be in my head – I may very well be suffering from imaginary friend syndrome or something along those lines… but is it so bad for me, if it makes me get up in the morning, change my eating habits, exercise a little and make outlandish plans for myself and make me fierce about any adversary? 

If it’s a spirit tricking me, then are they really malevolent for doing so?

Except for the fact that this idealistic person not coming into my life after all and heart-breaking me a year down the line… the rest of it is pretty good, no?

So, what’s changed?

Whether for good or bad, I am not reading more than a couple of pages a day on average now.

I find it hard to sit around for longer than an hour without doing some small thing.

I am singing a lot and starting to dance a bit.

I am not playing games online for longer than an hour a day anymore.

I am talking to strangers more – OK, they are online, but I never used to bother so much until recently.

I am forcing myself to eat a high protein and Vitamin C diet.

I am trying to get 20 minutes of exercise every two days at minimum.

I am fighting to spend time and be more active in my son Henry’s life more, instead of giving up without a fight to whatever his dad wants!

I am no longer afraid of telling Paul exactly what I think about him and what’s going on in our situation in regards to the poverty, the house falling apart etc. – I am no longer accepting our life!

I am starting to get back my old high standards for myself and living in general – unfortunately there are too many obstacles but I am trying to smash them down wherever possible!

I haven’t stuck to my goals in regards to my writing, because I am too focused on my transition and because the environment is too chaotic at times.

I also decided that I am going to throw caution to the wind and practise reiki on my son to see if it helps his behaviour and it has!

Henry was diagnosed autistic last week and since I started to treat him exactly how I did my former clients and since doing reiki on him, he is a different person.  Henry and I have come to an agreement that many things we like to do or say together should be kept away from his dad, because his dad gets hot-headed about it all.

Henry likes to learn about culture and religion, particularly the Jewish aspect of our ancestry and he likes to ask questions about other religions such as Christianity and specific biblical figures such as Moses and Jesus.  But if Paul over hears us, the arguments that blow out of control is… I can’t describe it, sorry!

So Henry and I have agreed to be more private about it and talk about it when his dad is downstairs and we’re in his room together or he is in mine.

Henry clings to tradition; it’s his comfort blanket, as it is mine… I can understand that, but Paul can’t!

Henry was so excited about something he learned about Jesus today that he absent-mindedly rushed off to tell his dad – but was met with terse rejection and then Paul started ranting about his mess and stuff and Henry came back in tears to me, hugging me tightly because he doesn’t understand why his dad hates it all so much!

Because Henry was raised to dislike Jesus for being a terrorist etc – yet I put Henry straight and said on the contrary, he was a God fearing man who respected God and was even a rabbi – Henry was shocked that Jesus was Jewish and Henry admitted to me that he was always afraid of Jesus because he thought he was a bad guy.  I said, no – but what is wrong is that he is would turn in his grave if he knew people worshipped him instead of God!

Henry’s eyes literally lit up, he looked so enlightened and it was a lovely change in him, he looked genuinely joyous!

But this and other things we can’t talk about around Paul – professional wrestling, robot wars, and the history of politics and good family memories to a certain extent.

Unfortunately, it’s all the things that Henry loves and shuts himself away doing on his own for hours every night.

Henry is slowly learning there is a vast contrast between me and his dad and Henry asked me a couple of days ago – “why didn’t you even share and say these things to me before” and the answer was simple and true… because your dad wouldn’t like it!

Why am I choosing to go behind Paul’s back now?

Because Henry needs the balance, Henry feels attacked at all sides and when I don’t take any stance at all and just sit there – he looks at me imploring me for help or a response and when I just say… do as your dad says, he looks defeated and broken and that’s hard to stomach long term!  Especially when you feel that what your partner or ex-partner has just done, is wrong!

Henry’s biggest struggle in life is learning that his father will not give him a cultural identity.

Everybody needs some kind of cultural identity, even if they are mixed up like my family – it shows us where we are from and shapes who we are, take that away and you are left to wonder what you are… what do you stand for and all kinds of existential worries!

Something like that is hard on an adult, let alone a child, especially an autistic one that doesn’t even have the security blanket an autistic person needs of a regular schedule day to day.

Henry functions quite normally at school, because it is scheduled.  Since Henry was three years old, around the time I got sick – I have been fighting Paul to get dinner at 6pm sharp.  But dinner in this house can be anywhere between 4pm and 10pm, there is no regular meal time table here and its worse in the school holidays.

Since Henry’s diagnosis I have tried to instil in Paul, schedule is everything for an autistic child, please sort it out!

But it goes in one ear out the other.

It drives me crazy no having a schedule too, my stomach can’t stomach meal times that are all over the place!

You try giving a child a roast dinner an hour before he goes to bed!

I struggle sleeping if I eat too much before bed, but a child?

There are days where we have our dinner and we have our crepes for pudding and fifteen minutes later, it’s come on Henry, bed time!

After all these years and all the times I’ve told him – it’s got to change, it never has!

I am grateful I am getting better physically – that I am able to do a little around the house, not much – because my efforts aren’t respected, they are usually undone in a couple of hours by Paul.  But – I am trying to really fight to take back control over the house.

So I can stand on my own two feet and do so well enough that I can move out into my own home!

Paul is becoming rebellious lately because he knows what’s up; I haven’t hidden anything from him.

We had a good friendship which seems to be slowly turning toxic since he found that other lady – which no longer is in his life.  He has tried to make amends with me, tried to bump up a little affection by being more mindful about hugs goodnight and goodbye etc. – but I am rejecting them, because he originally rejected me.

I lived in this house dotingly knowing that I was never happy here, that the house was a disgrace, that the environment was uncomfortable, that he was financially lazy and insecure and that he didn’t have any inclination towards intimacy with me and he certainly never defended me from our neighbour.  I did so dotingly because it was my family and I made do… I don’t want to make do anymore, because I realised that I was more loyal to him than he was to me and that was a big slap in the face!

I can and will tolerate a lot from a person if I know that they love and want me – take that away from me and I won’t stay, I don’t like leaving people, but if I know I am unwanted or easily disposed of, it makes it hard for me to want to try and make do.

I really will tolerate so much from a person, if they remain consistent in letting me know how much they love, respect and want me!  Just those things, that’s all I require oh and don’t humiliate me or insult my intelligence. 

I can tolerate so much; I tolerate rude behaviour, wacky behaviour, selfish behaviour, jealousy, and control, loss of identity, being made to become a tireless servant and to a certain extent a little aggression.  But I can’t tolerate humiliation, being reminded I am disposable, people constantly correcting me, because they believe I am stupid or misinformed. 

As long as you want me, respect me, love me, never humiliate me or treat me like I am stupid – then we’re going to be OK! 

Because my very nature is easy-going, I go with the flow and I blend in with whatever people and environment I am around the most, I am a chameleon – I am happy to be like that.  I thrive on love and acceptance and I give so much back and I don’t complain – I may cheerfully joke around and be sarcastic about my guy’s malchauvinistic ways or ego or mock affronted about their laziness… but its all in jest, really I wouldn’t want things to be different.  I miss those kinds of relationships, which is why I used to be heavily involved in the BDSM lifestyle, I wanted a husband like that.

They love me, they keep me, they get everything – I make sure to give the world to them and more if I could!

Hopefully the guy would be a touchy feely kind of guy, hands on, obsessed slightly – because I like being touched and I touching too!  In normal relationships I am too clingy, I am too passive, I am too needy or odd because I want to do things for them all the time… does that make sense?  I know the only guys who appreciate the kind of woman I am, are those in the lifestyle who aren’t emotionally distant and healing from some obscure emotional wounds from their past.  The kind of dominants who know what they want and will get it out of me by hook or by crook!

I find the most painful thing about being in a relationship like that is being ignored for too long!  Or not being given a sense of duty or daily tasks to fulfil and it can be hard when things aren’t regularly appreciated in some way – when there is no reward, whether just verbal or otherwise.

Yes I know, I sound pathetic – but it’s just me and it’s what makes me tick!

I think that if these spiritual insights aren’t founded to be true within a few months’ time, but I manage to get fit enough to leave Paul… I may go back into the lifestyle, look for a dominant or a daddy figure and do that rather than be alone.

Thing is, most dominants don’t like women over 28yrs old, especially if she wants to have more children like I do!

So I may not get what I want from life soon enough.

But I am trying so hard to manifest this, you have no idea!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Defining myself

Once again

Sometimes things get awkward

Sometimes things get hard

Sometimes you can’t talk about them

Because talking can get you barred

There’s an awkward situation

And it’s getting quite bad

It’s getting very toxic here

I’m feeling very sad

Once they used to love me

Now they want me gone

They use to care about everything

I don’t know what’s gone wrong

But I know that something

Isn’t quite right

And I have to sit alone and wonder about my plight

This house is seeped in tension

Snappiness and snipes

There’s a lot of angry tension

Here every night

Is there any wonder, why I can’t write?

When things are getting worse than this

Like I know they might?

I try to keep away from them

And shut myself away

But its not healthy living likes this

Every single day

No one to break the tension

No one to hear me talk

I wish it was easier for me to walk

Trapped in a bubble of apprehension

No way to ease the tension

Not a single soul knows or cares

About any of my fears and scares

But I try to plod on

and try so hard

not to moan and be on guard

For things are not turning out nice

And the change in him cuts and slice

How can someone change so much?

Be best friends then out of touch?

He was the one who wanted me gone

Yet he has turned it on me because I walk on

Am I the one to blame for this?

Am I so hard on him?

When I was happy to remain

Till he dumped me on a whim…

I’m so confused at how he’s changed

And why we’ve come to this

I left one toxic pot for another

And once again I drown in piss

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Filed under poetry

Through the window

I had a dream last night that I couldn’t close a window.

The window wasn’t broken, as in had broken glass or anything like that – it is weird that I had this dream after someone requested I write a poem about windows…

The window just wouldn’t close, someone had messed with the locks and stuck a plant on the frame of the window that wouldn’t come off and so the window could only remain ajar.

I got angry about this in the dream, because winter was only two weeks away – I found out it was my mother that did this to my window and I told her bluntly, then we will have to change bedrooms when the winter comes – I don’t want to be cold all winter, you can if you like – but not me!

She wouldn’t change bedrooms and out of nowhere I said to her – I am not as poor as you think you know, I have money and I only stayed because I had faith you’d change, but you never will – so now I am taking my money and I leaving you!

Even in the dream I was surprised at what I said, like I thought I was lying to myself by telling her this – but then I instantly went online in the dream and found that I was right, there was hundreds of thousands of pounds in my account all of a sudden.

I was amazed in the dream… but then something at the back of my mind explained how this happened.

I served my parents up their last meal and I went out to find my new home.

But I didn’t buy this home, I just literally walked into a house that looked pleasant and there were three adults and two children at a dining table and I started serving them the food I gave to my parents and we sat down happily together, like we’d always been together!

Weird dream!

I would say “through the window of broken glass, deep things changed in me last night” but the windows glass wasn’t broken…

What’s weirder is just now I heard the word “FAITH” said quite loudly and then I saw the numbers 222.

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Arts & Crafts

My idea of romance

Is not what you find in the average romance novel, sorry, well, not the ones my mother shoved down my throat when I was growing up – ew!

Though I reckon my idea of romance is too way out there for the modern day too, a little old-fashioned or a little too fantasy based.

I have a lot of old fashioned values.  I believe man and woman has their place and this is hard to hear according to some of my friends which are super modern feminists or who know I am bisexual.

Here are my core beliefs about men and women;

Man is the protector and must have what it takes to physically and verbally defend his woman whenever necessary.  Unfortunately I have seldom come across anyone who fits the stereotypical protective male role; basically I’ve been on my own under confrontation from strangers whilst the guy I was dating was there.

The woman is the nurturer moral and emotional supporter of the whole family, not just the kids, but the man as well and must be patient and understanding with the man when he is having a bad day.

Basically as women, it’s our job to ensure that our husband’s day doesn’t get any worse – we have to cheer him up, we have to spoil him as it were with good food and snuggles and kind words.

Both the man and the woman should be completely honest with each other at all times, trust and honesty as well as a deep friendship are the keys to a longstanding relationship – if you don’t have that, then you don’t have a proper relationship in my opinion!

Whenever I hear my friends say that they can’t date their best friend I pity them, because relationships need friendship as its foundation, don’t you think?

I am also traditional in the sense that when you choose to have children, you need to have a career that works around them, not vice versa.  Your children’s well-being and presence in your life should be the priority.  I know it is hard for some women, especially single mothers – I understand you, but this is what I believe.  There are options for working at home, that’s all I am saying!

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that women should be able to have whatever rights they desire – but just don’t force your ideas on other more traditional women like me!

I have been discriminated against for my beliefs of being a stay at home mother before I got sick, because in the opinions of other local women, women like me are disgusting and lazy and are seriously damaging the women’s right campaign.

At the time, before I got sick, I was actually trying to hone my skills in social care and tried to fix the house up by taking Paul out of his hoarder’s paradise, to consider becoming a foster mother as a job.  Which I know I would have loved!

But for me – romance is nothing like Mills and Boon, choose any novel there you like! 

For me, my idea of the perfect romance is what Morticia and Gomez Addams have!

Seriously!

A partner you can listen to music with and randomly get up and dance with around the living room, smooching, swaying and snuggling and embarrassing your kids!

A partner who’d bring you a regular dose of flowers for the house so you can rearrange them around the house with maybe some of your own cut flowers from your own garden too!

A partner who wants to take you on one to one picnics occasionally, or sends the children away to friends or family for the night so we can have a homemade candlelight dinner with just the two of us!

A partner who isn’t stuck in a rut in regards to bedroom matters and is adventurous and spontaneous.

I want a guy who will teach me how to tango with him and maybe roleplay with him and silly things like this.

I like vain men who have big egos, especially if I know they like to look meticulous in public but behind closed doors he won’t moan at me when I scruff up his hair and give him cute nicknames…

I like to be very hands on with my guys, I like to give and receive massages and so forth and I am very good at reiki, I’ve been told I should be a practitioner, but I am not interested in that for a career.  I like to touch and be touched and I have a real problem with rejection when I put my hands on a guy in bed and they flinch or tell me to get off – when we’re supposedly engaged, you get me?

I like guys who don’t want sex over and done within thirty minutes if you are lucky – I like long nights, not just dip and collapse with no build up or tease, you know?

A big part of a relationship to me is talking… talk a lot… talk about everything, be open, share your day, share your ideas, play with ideas and make plans to ensure your life never gets boring together – always try new things, not just sexually, but in life in general!

I think that when you bond with a life partner, there should be a sort of effort to have an unspoken language between you or keywords, where you can communicate with each other privately but in public too – it’s a lost art for these times, but it was quite common pre-Victorian era.  Fan or hand language, language of flowers and little innuendos that only you and he knew the meaning of. 

I show my love by cooking for the person in my life, by asking them if they want help with something or by doing things they’ve specifically asked for.  I like to bond with them by writing out my thoughts and feelings and reading it to them and hope they’d tell me more about themselves too.

I like the idea of a relationship where we motivate each other all the time to become the best that we can be, we always challenge each other!

I even like a little mock fighting – knowing we will never truly hurt each other’s feelings, it’s all play and end up wrestling each other to bed or something!  This is why I love the tango a lot, oh and the paso doble! 

I have a lot of fire in me, a lot of passion and I need someone with a lot of energy and creativity and desire to be playful with me! 

I think this is another reason why I love the BDSM lifestyle a lot, there is a lot of fun light-hearted roleplay there, with kinks and spanks and other delights – it’s not meant to be vicious and bullying!

I want someone ready to take on my challenges with me and me with theirs!  Together we’ll ride the storm!

I have never been comfortable with this is their problem and these are my problems and we live separately like that – I believe in sharing and caring about each other a lot!

I really don’t like it when I know a partner is upset about something going on in their lives and they won’t tell me about it, because I hate feeling helpless and I hate not knowing and I hate not being able to lighten the load for them!

It literally kills me inside!

I have had exes in the past who hated the way I treat them at times, because I apparently smother them, mother them and sometimes I’ve been accused of babying them!

I don’t see it; I just see it as maybe caring too much?

Maybe I go overboard, but it’s just me!

So yes, I want love like Morticia and Gomez Addams… you get me?

Someone with all the above and someone to live in mutual weirdness with!

Oh and can match my libido!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About Me

Henry, dreams & things

Celebrating the fact that Henry has had two full days at school this week!

It’s becoming a rarity, but I hope it’s going to change a bit – Henry has come home a little bit anxious because a new supply teacher was rude and apparently mean to him and several other children; but Henry is a lot like his mum, in that sometimes in stressful situations we forget the words but remember the actions, if you get me?  So Henry can’t relay exactly what was said.

Thankfully nothing came of this meningitis presumption – I am so happy and relieved about that!

Henry is at his youth club tonight for three hours, so I have plenty of time to get to write something today, I am going to do it, though I had only three hours sleep last night and I have big dark circles around my eyes that make me look like I have been in a fist fight with a kangaroo!

I am having a lot of weird and heavy dreams at night in the past few weeks, even in short sleeping bursts like last night.

Two days ago I had a dream about three candles being lit that were a brownish colour, that had red and white wax melting inside of it, which was weird and on one of the three candles were two rings – like non gem wedding and eternity rings. 

There was a hooded red figure discussing what to do with the candles and they were slightly frustrated but still patient with me, because I kept moving the candles around and blowing the flames out and relighting etc. 

There were other people at the table, just one man and one other woman; they all had their own candles.  The man found me amusing somewhat and tried to advise me a little, but the woman looked at me in disdain and thought I was an idiot.

I remember taking the rings off one of the candles and I was told not to do that yet, be patient – so I put them back.

I was a little tensed and confused in the dream and felt like a naughty hyperactive child and ended up trying to sit on my hands or twiddle my thumbs whilst sitting there clueless about what’s happening – the other two, seemed to know what was what, but I didn’t.

I woke up and did a tarot and oracle reading about what the dream meant and like a fool I didn’t consider it had anything to do with a new relationship or marriage – but my cards dropped a marriage card, a ring card, a love card, as well as a diamond in my usual 3 card reading – these cards dropped on the 3 I had already chosen and I thought that this was weirdly significant and related to each other too spookily well.  The oracle cards I used have 200 cards and are the Tea Leaf fortune cards, so to get all the indicators for marriage or new relationship like that was just so random and weird to me!

The three cards I pulled out in the normal manner were the firecracker card, the handshake card and the broom card. 

The meaning of the above according to this oracle is;

Firecracker = Excitement

Handshake = A meeting with a stranger could be important.

Broom = New home, new attitude

The other fallen cards just speak for themselves, its weird how mindless I can be during dream time and interpreting things – I suppose it’s because it was a dark room lit by candlelight and the rings didn’t look like jewellery to me, they looked like metallic black, if you get my drift?  A little darker than hematite. 

Last night’s dream was weirder and extra spooky because of events that took place when I woke up.

I dreamt I was at a ballroom again, this is a common dream I have, it is in the same building and room where I have those sorts of dreams and it isn’t a real place I’ve ever been to or seen on TV.

Like usual in those dreams I seem to have a completely different family to my physical real family, they’ve been in and out of dreams for years – it’s almost like I slip into a parallel world when I sleep at night.

Anyway in that dream I was wearing a golden dress with a sun like piece of jewellery just above the navel, it was hooked onto the dress like a brooch. 

I was just standing around when a gentleman comes over – the usual dream guy in fact, though this time he is slightly different facially, not much, but slightly showing some facial hair like he is growing a beard and moustache but it’s the early stages.  He had red decoration on his chest and wore his black suit; though it was different it was far more formal than usual.

He took me to a balcony and we talked a bit, then he went to my dream parents and they exchanged to him some black scarf or wide set ribbons, unsure what they were really and they placed them upon a staff – I think it was a staff anyway.

Then he came to me and we spent time together and then the scarves were tied like bangles around my wrist, it wasn’t bondage.  But in the dream people who saw us when we went back into the ballroom started to become excited and throw confetti or something like that at us.

It felt very similar to a private 121 hand fasting experience, if you understand me?

A sort of mini pagan wedding that hadn’t been officiated properly yet – this was like the first stage, I understood in the dream.

As I am writing this there is a weird pressure on my third eye – very odd.

Anyway, when I woke up I found lots of small pieces of torn up paper around the bed and on the bed, like someone had thrown confetti on me in the night, in fact it’s why I woke up – I felt a piece hit me on the head, but no one in the house was a awake to have done it, I checked.

All I know is as I woke up, I heard a voice say – quick, she’s stirring!

I’m either losing my marbles or things are stranger than I thought about this world!

It’s weird because traditionally scarves and ribbons in weddings are usually red in certain cultures, but these were definitely black.  What is weird is the guy had something red on him, but not sure what.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t sleep well last night – because when I woke up and went to the bathroom the house started to wake up around twenty minutes later and I decided to stay awake until I got dozy and had a two hour nap in the late morning.

It’s really eating away at me all these strange things – but at least those last two dreams were more pleasant than other dreams I’ve had this past month.

I have had awful dreams before them – Warning content needed here…

There was a baby I found that looked weak and ill and I wrapped it up in a blanket to look after it, the baby spoke to me and told me how I could find his mother and so I took him to her and she was working at a food van.  When I passed the baby to her, she snapped at me and said, put him on the counter there, I will sort him out later.  When I put the baby onto the counter he turned into a huge burrito and the lady grabbed the burrito, cut it in half and offered it back to me, which I declined!

Another one was a true out and out nightmare, I was escaping from some sort of prison and I managed to get out with the help of the dream guy.  But he needed to act as decoy to get someone away from me, but unfortunately whilst he was away my mother crept up behind me and cut out of my kidneys and ate it raw in front of me. 

When I woke up my back hurt a lot.

Loads of other dreams similar to these, but there is a horrible dream that keeps repeating lately and that is my rabbit Ray, being turned out into the garden in a small tight hutch and it falls into a muddy pond drowning him or there is a flash flood that sweeps him away.

Don’t know why I am having a lot of disturbing dreams late; usually dream time is a sanctuary.

I am worried about my lack of sleep, my light sleeps when I do sleep and the fact that lately I am struggling to eat more than 900 calories a day.  I’ve had two days in the past two weeks where I ate around 1400 but it’s much less than that recently and consistently.

I am getting pain whenever I eat anything bigger than half a sandwich which makes me stop eating a full meal.  I don’t eat breakfast and rarely have lunch, I have one or two snacks in a day, with a quarter of a plate for dinner if it’s a good day.

Paul is more than a little worried about it.

Yesterday was a goodish day, I had a tuna bagel with mayonnaise and chives and I had a ham & cheese salad sandwich and a packet of crisps for the whole day.  Unfortunately that’s too much gluten for my body, so my abdomen is a little swollen today, but it’s not painful.

Sometimes my chest gets bad the next day after I have more than a little of gluten and sometimes depends on how much gluten I have, my abdomen will swell like I’m pregnant or something, weird. 

It’s much worse with soy and mustard, because with those two my spleen swells as well as my abdomen and there is intense pain!

Right so, an hour into writing this, I have warmed up enough to get back onto my project AD for the evening, I still have an hour and twenty minutes before they come home approximately.

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About Me

I’m single

My relationship status is “single” and I feel that I should let that be clear to everyone right now.

I would like a new relationship, but there is a lot of stuff I need to be clear on in my new relationship – so be prepared for the third degree if you’re interested because this time around I want things to be good – grounded, honest and open and I have a low tolerance to time wasters.

I don’t want you to please me with what you think I want to hear – I want honesty; if you can’t be open and honest about what you want and what you like in your own life then don’t even bother considering coming this direction!

I know that Paul is in no rush to see me leave yet, now he hasn’t got a replacement for me and he is trying to let me know he isn’t going to bother to look for anyone anymore, not even in our usual polygamous house ideas – but I won’t stay with him if I am disposable like that.  That came as a shock to me and I didn’t like it.

But Paul just wants people to know one thing about all this… he does see himself as a father care giver to me and he wants to ensure I am going to the best relationship possible.  If you can’t stomach talking to him to set his mind at ease that I have someone who’ll look after me, then perhaps you don’t have my best interests to heart eh?

You got to understand since 2013; Paul has not really been a fiancé to me, but more of a father figure and because my real dad is not available anymore, he has fully taken his place.

By the way, my spirits told me the first initial of the guy I am waiting for is R.

OK so private message me directly at TheTardyCreative@gmail.com

To contact Paul the email is PaullGamble@gmail.com

Thanks for reading! 

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Filed under About Me

To whom it may concern

OK, I am being weird again, sorry guys!

My spirits woke me up today with a huge fright – don’t know why I woke up suddenly but it felt like I was frighten awake by something, like I was dragged awake.

They told me when I was still drowsy in just waking up, that I need to put this message out there into the world.

They told me the person who wants to come into my life is struggling a lot at the moment with family matters and obstacles that are beyond my understanding at this moment in time.

The person is emotionally exhausted trying to balance things and formulate a plan to be in my life.

He feels he needs the support of friends and family in order to have the courage to tell me how they feel about me because he is anxious that he is going to cause a huge upheaval in his life only for me to reject him – I won’t.

Spirits also told me, he is trusting the wrong people, some one is backstabbing him and are not being completely honest to him about things.

He can only trust 2 women and 1 much older man apparently. The woman he has considered as a messenger is good, the older lady who is like a godmother and the older man.

This is very weird and interesting.

I honestly don’t know what I am talking about, but you will, apparently.

My spirits asked me if I am ready for my own life to be turned upside down too and to be taken out of my comfort zone in order to have the best possible relationship I can have for myself – a relationship which I will thrive in all areas of my life and heal from my past?

My answer is… Yes.

Because they’ve shown me the intensity of the love this guy will have about me, how protective they are going to be because they don’t want anybody hurting me anymore and he is going to try damned hard to make sure no one gets near me that way again.

They’ve shown me that I will be in a long-term state of anxiety when I am in his life because I am not used to certain things and they definitely said I would be outside of my comfort zone and potentially could be mingling with people who will be very aggressively judgemental about me – but this guy will soon put a stop to all that!

They say there is a major cultural adjustment too.

What I find weird is the name – it’s a very popular family name and all my spirits have told me is it’s the same as one of my older brothers.

I respect your privacy 100% and I will completely take your lead on matters regarding things.

I won’t reject you, because I never ignore my spirits, they believe you are the best for me – so I am waiting for you to make the first move! Simply because I don’t know who you are, duh!

They told me not to be afraid of your approach as it will be out of the ordinary.

I am terrified, but my spirits have told me that you are right about me… I am the master of adaptability, I have regenerated a lot over the years and overcame massive hurdles, I can do it again – especially with you as my guardian, protector, mentor and life partner.

For some reason it’s important to mention Elvis or connections to Elvis to you as that’s a sign you are waiting for. Coincidentally my aunt told me recently as I am losing weight I am looking a lot like Lisa Marie Presley, but I don’t see it! Was told to mention that.

Also to mention you lost some sleep last night and my hands really are that small.. confusing much… but ok… completely letting things out there I am not happy about – I AM GOING OUT ON A LIMB HERE!

Sorry about shouting that, getting more than a little weirded out by it all.

Also, about the heart chakra… stop that!

Oh my goodness it’s like this blog is becoming a descent into madness journal!

YES I ACCEPT YOU!

YES I AM TERRIFIED!

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!

BEWARE WHO YOU HAVE AS SO-CALLED HELPERS!

I LOVE YOU YOU NERVOUS UNCERTAIN BEAUTIFUL ENERGY OF A GUY!

Sorry, to shout – but I like, really need a hug and the kind of connection you are going to be to me. I know you are going to be difficult and bossy a little bit initially because you are insecure, I know you think I dawdle and could potentially waste my talent. I know you believe we’ve had a similar path. I know you really need someone who doesn’t shy away from your physical manifestations of love – I know you will always doubt how real all this is. Me too actually. But the spirits say, it’s a life long relationship, that’s meant to happen.

I am not in the habit of telling people they can’t have things, I am easy going, I am playful, I am not afraid to be weird at times. My confidence will grow when I am with you to be the person I was always meant to be, apparantly, I will become more bold and outrageous around you and you likewise in turn.

They say I am going to transform for the better around you and that you will feel like a kid again in every sense of the word – you will feel rejuvenated and healed, because of my strong maternal instinct of nurturing you and giving you the attention you need and deserve.

They say the worse part of the relationship will be my inability to accept how I can be, what goals I reach and what I can have – basically I have a limited resource and attainability mindset which will frustrate you no end. It’s apparantly the biggest battle we’ll have with each other. Me pushing against reaching higher and higher and you trying to make me reach the heights… you know?

Anyway – I kind of think I know what’s going on – but I am also unsure to trust it. Probably my limited mind-set again?

I don’t know why but the spirits show me that when I meet you, my stomach is going to be so upset, lol.

I suffer from nervous stomach and well, just expect to hear wear growls that’s all!

Thanks for reading!

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1st reading p2

Here is part two of my tarot card and oracle readings for the month to come and R means that the card is in reverse.

These are the tarot decks and they are;

1 – Russell Grant’s Astro Tarot

R-CHARIOT – R-RABBIT – HEIROPHANT – R JUDGEMENT

  1. R CHARIOT

The card shows me there is indecision, hesitation or a slowing down of energies.  Because of what happened in my oracle decks, I take this as I am hesitant to make a decision because of emotional struggles and potentially trust issues.

  1. R RABBIT

This indicates that I will feel insubstantial to something; it is making me feel that what is happening, whatever it might be is implausible and not real, or a trick.

This cards position also shows me that I must not be sceptical, rude or abrupt to the person who is coming with an offer for something, as this person is a loving individual who means to help me and lift me up in some way.  They are also someone who feels there is a deep spiritual connection with me and the cards warn that they are just as fiery as I am and their willpower is stronger, so tread carefully! 

  1. HIEROPHANT

This card indicates a relationship where spiritual values are well-matched.  Someone is about to reveal a huge secret to me and give me plenty to think about.  They are going to be part of my major transformation and increased sense of overall wellbeing.

This person fully wants to adopt me into their life on all possible levels of existence, but ultimately they want to be my mentor for life and living well.  They could also increase my spiritual power.

  1. R JUDGEMENT

Something is going to make me restless.  I have definitely reached the end of a phase in my life and will have to say goodbye to some people.

There could be disappointment with a legal matter or legal papers or a small delay in them, which will ruin plans on the short term. 

This card also indicates an offer for a change of abode/home. 

Personally I think that for this to happen in just 4 weeks, is just too fast, but there you go.

  • – THE TRADITIONAL RIDER WAITE TAROT DECK

QUEEN OF CUPS – QUEEN OF WANDS – 7 PENTACLES – KING OF SWORDS I ALSO DROPPED THE 10 OF WANDS

  • QUEEN OF CUPS – under reversed chariot

This card shows me that there is definitely a new romantic relationship that could start in the next four weeks.  It is also indicating that there is nurturing energy around me too, someone who is kind, compassionate, empathic with me on most if not all levels.  This person is going to be supportive and heal my emotional wounds and help me learn to move on and have fun with life.

This person has very powerful, strong but gentle energy about them throughout this entire reading overall.

It’s going to be a very deep relationship that also indicates that eventually we will also be part of each other’s career somehow.  They are a creative person like me, perhaps we’ll collaborate?

There is a slowing down however, as there is reversed chariot energy above the queen of cups.  So we’re taking it slower than we’d like, because I think we both have a bit of nervous tension here and some kind of blockade to overcome?

  • QUEEN OF WANDS – under the reversed rabbit card

This card is a card of transformation again as well as indicating a new relationship or a strong fidelity coming my way.  So this card shows me there is a lot of determination and passion from this other person towards me, it’s almost like obsessive energy but it’s certainly not toxic energy, other cards have assured me that.

Despite an oracle card earlier indicating that this person is going to make the decision for me, but it is a decision they made out of love, not from a place of control – because they can see that I do not trust easily and they are so desperate to show me that they are different, and according to the reading overall, they really are!

You see the rabbit energy above the Queen of wands tells us, that I am insecure about how real their offer of a relationship with me is.  I am the one being cautious and frightened to go with my heart and instinct as I am scared of getting hurt or being tricked again.

  • THE SEVEN OF PENTACLES – under the hierophant

Is showing me that again, there is a relationship because I have become somebodies labour of love – they are determined and persevering to show me that they are different.  It’s really lovely to see how much work they are willing to put into trying to convince me they are OK, that they are genuine.  With the hierophant energy they are trying hard to mentor me to heal and to trust. 

They are so full of patience with me, that it’s actually very touching to read this…

It even shows they are willing to sacrifice a lot for themselves in order to convince me and show me another way, they are really investing a lot of themselves for my happiness and to help me heal and to be with me.

Other cards in the past showed me that this person will put a hold on their entire life, even their career if needs be, if it meant that they got me in their life. 

Seriously dude, whoever you are, you don’t need to be so drastic, OK?  I am sure we’ll figure something out!

  • KING OF SWORDS – under the reversed judgement

The King of swords indicates a struggle with figures in authority, particularly as it is underneath the reversed judgement card.  Someone in authority is holding something back from progressing as fast as I would like.  Their standards are high and strict and they could be blocking how fast my transformation is. 

I need to be stern about what is going on and show people I won’t be pushed away from something or someone, but I also see that I need someone else’s candid approach to make things work too, this is a third person I am seeing here – someone who holds the keys to legal documents or some kind of authority over me or this new person coming into my life.

  • TEN OF WANDS – under the Queen of cups

I see that there is a huge obstacle I have overcome in order for this new relationship to come about – the huge blockade will successfully have been removed but it isn’t without its blood sweat and tears for the both of us involved.

It strongly indicates that the block is coming from my new person’s career, but his friends will support him all the way and will help ease him out of a sticky situation.  Fascinating.

We both will definitely feel a little burnt out because of the struggle, it is definitely a stressful time.  But the hurdle has been got over and we are going to be OK it appears.

  • – KABBALISTIC TAROT

10 OF CUPS – R QUEEN OF SWORDS – R 3 OF WANDS – THE MAGICIAN

  • 10 of cups – under the Queen of wands

OK so this is a good reading but it feels unrealistic, I am not usually a pessimist but the readings I have been getting lately are outrageously outlandish!  It’s totally out there – it’s too good to be true, you know? 

The ten of cups is always a positive thing to have in your reading it means, abundance, it indicates legacy, it indicates wealth and prosperity it is not dissimilar to the wheel of fortune, there is definitely a lot of positive energy and happiness in this card. 

It is immediately underneath the Queen of wands and she is directly underneath the rabbit card – all of this indicates a wonderful relationship that will literally alter my reality in every single way shape and form.

I told you the energy I have been sensing lately is BIG! 

Happiness, homecomings, fulfilment, emotional stability, security, domestic harmony is all indicative of this card.  In just 4 weeks?  No way, I can’t see how!  But amazing if it’s true!

It’s the “you’re gonna have it all” card.  To be frank, I’m scared at how quick this is coming… I mean, like… WTF?

Deep spiritual connection, new relationship, feeling of being delusional that things are not real – then this card shows up?  No freaking way!

Gosh, who is this guy?

I am going to burst I can tell you and I am going to feel so stupid next month if I am doing another reading and there is nothing that happened, lol.

  • R QUEEN OF SWORDS – under the 7 of pentacles

I am very pessimistic with what the person coming into my life is all about, this card shows that I am judging them harshly and maybe lose my temper with them a bit because I feel that they are wrong about what they want from me.

But they are going to persevere because they really want this!  They are not going to give up on me and they won’t let me give up on life either!  There are going to be some harsh home truths coming my way or going their way, either or both.  

It’s going to be hard, because this person is going to use a trick to convince me and I will apparently fall for it.  But it’s not a nasty trick, because the cards above it indicate otherwise, but to onlookers what he will propose to me looks utterly toxic, but it’s what is necessary for him to do in order to show me that – hey – I am real and genuine with you and I am going to have you!

According to the reading as a whole, they are completely consumed by me and they are not letting me go anywhere, they are not taking no for an answer, because they can sense I really want this too!  And to be honest with you, I do!  I think…

They are going to lay my life on the table and make me look at it and then offer me something completely different, but I won’t believe them because I feel unworthy and that’s when they are going to shove it in my face apparently… harshly… then give me an ultimatum about it!

Phew, oh boy, some big energy from this guy!  It kind of makes me feel like saying… “Who do you think you are you beautiful lovely persistent asshole”?  Whilst also hugging him tight and not letting him go anywhere!

  • R 3 OF WANDS – under the King of swords!

So again, we have a delay because of authority, but also a delay could be caused by my insecurities with what is going on with my new person.  I or they have to learn to compromise and understand new things.

We both need to lay all of our problems on the table immediately to clear the air so we can help each other overcome all of our obstacles, so that the relationship can start smoothly.

Patience for all of us is called for, patience is the key – don’t be eager to rush ahead, because it could scare the weaker person away… the weaker person is me as the cards indicate that throughout.

There are also challenges at my partner’s work!  Who the heck has a job where their boss has a say on what goes on in their personal life?  All I can think of is that maybe this is indicative of a military establishment?  I can’t think of any other industry where someone would have to answer to their boss about new relationships… if you can please comment below!

  • THE MAGICIAN – under the 10 of wands

So OK, the hurdles we had to leap over in regards to starting our new relationship was definitely indicative of my persons career – but now the cards say that we are going to be OK because we will overcome it with our skills and trickery and desire and sheer willpower!   We are both powerful masters of manifestation, so he is a highly spiritual person, whoever he may be!

It’s definitely going to be a battle of the wills, most likely for him more than me as the cards indicate my willpower is much less than his, I am easy in defeat but he certainly isn’t giving up!

He is certainly going to make things happen and he is pulling out all of the resources to make sure he gets what he wants here!  There is no stopping this guy, I think I am in love with him before I’ve even met him – I love persistent little asshats with an huge ego who grabs life by the balls and don’t let anyone get them down, gosh I love this guy! 

Come to me daddy, come on! Lol

  • – THE WITCHES TAROT by Ellen Cannon Reed

R 6 OF WANDS – 10 OF WANDS – 5 OF SWORDS – R ACE OF CUPS – R SUN

  • R 6 OF WANDS – under the 10 of cups

Although the card it is under is great and very exciting, it also indicates that my confidence is at an all-time low or that maybe my new person may feel a little neglected because of my insecurities to relax around them.

I really do need to change my attitude and build my esteem or this relationship could turn bitter, if I am insecure for too long.

This reading totally indicates that I will be to blame if this relationship fails because of my insecurities and my inability to believe in myself.

I’ll drive this poor patient guy into exhaustion because I won’t understand why he likes me so much.  But like all fortune telling, tarot cards are here to show us what is what and how not to make bad things happen.  So I have a lot of self-reflection to do and I can’t sit back and say “I am not worthy” when he wants me so much, it isn’t fair.  He has worked hard to get to where he is in asking me for this relationship and probably will lose a lot too, over it. 

It’s almost like I feel he is too good to be true that I am talking him out of the relationship, because… why are you bothering with someone like me?  Look at me… you know.  I know I am insecure, but I can totally see why this card says this!

So I have to believe in this guy as much as he believes in me, it can’t all be one sided here!

The cards are more or less saying – it will be successful, IF I LET IT HAPPEN!  My insecurities and my self-value will determine if this happens or not! 

There is nothing else against us except for this authority figure that is controlling him and my own insecurities, if these things can be overcome, we will be flying!

  • 10 OF WANDS AGAIN – under the reversed Queen of swords

This energy is doubled as it was in the reading earlier!  Here is a reminder of what that said.

“I see that there is a huge obstacle I have overcome in order for this new relationship to come about – the huge blockade will successfully have been removed but it isn’t without its blood sweat and tears for the both of us involved.

It strongly indicates that the block is coming from my new person’s career, but his friends will support him all the way and will help ease him out of a sticky situation.  Fascinating.

We both will definitely feel a little burnt out because of the struggle, it is definitely a stressful time.  But the hurdle has been got over and we are going to be OK it appears.”  This is doubled in its energy here. 

But because this card is also under the reversed Queen of swords it also shows us that once again my insecurities are a huge factor in the success or failure of this relationship and my person is not the type to give up without a fight!

He is going to have me and I just have to love him for it, basically, because ultimately, all the cards and previous readings have indicated we’re perfect for each other, we are going to be so happy together, but it’s all down to my acceptance that I am worthy of all this!

My other readings in other fortune telling mediums and other tarot readings have shown me, this is a till death do us part relationship – so once we overcome the hurdles, we are each other’s last, long-term relationship!

  • 5 OF SWORDS – under the reversed 3 of wands

There is a huge conflict against a figure of authority again, there are major hostilities going on because of what my person wants and someone is getting in their way, big time! 

This shows, although they will win on this matter he will lose something equally important to him. 

This indicates that we are both victorious in what we want, but we are going to be left picking up the pieces of something that has been completely destroyed by this third person.  For my person, they literally have to start again from scratch. 

This makes me feel so bad for them!

What are they losing?  Looks like their career or something… its huge whatever it is!  The card indicates a friendship tied to a career.

But whatever it is, my person is glad to have done it because the inner conflict of not having what he wants the most would hurt him more, according to the cards – so for him, it was worth it in his eyes!

Yikes, I feel so awkward.

  • THE REVERSE ACE OF CUPS – under the magician

We will endure a long suffering to get to where we want to if this is a relationship reading, like it appears to be. 

There is insecurity in the relationship, it could also mean a breaking up or a parting of the ways, but that could just be between Paul and I, because as I have said before in other posts, we’re on the cusp of separation and this new person is definitely here to stay according to so much in this reading as well as others in the past.

The magician shows us that we do prevail, but it’s going to be sad, frustrating and there are going to be hostile people around us initially.

  • THE REVERSED SUN – under the reversed 6 of wands

Once again my pessimism gets into the way a little bit.  I am confused why this person likes me so much and it could put a block up for us both to start the relationship.

I understand that I do want him as much as he wants me, but for me, the cards show me I will think he is far too good for me and that why would he want someone who like me when there are better out there for him?

The cards show me this is some top quality guy, ticks all of my boxes in every single way, but I feel so insecure about myself because I have a low opinion on both my looks and my personal situation that I just can’t see, why he’d want someone like me! 

True if he is exactly like how I am reading him to be… in my opinion, why would he want a fat, 40yr old, who is deaf and one step away from society calling her trailer trash?

I mean, come on, I am a realist you know?  Things like this don’t happen to women like me!

The cards tell me, stop this attitude, because it’s real, get out of your head woman and just accept your fate!

Everything indicates this is destiny, yet all I can think about is… if he turns up and he is as great as these cards says he is, I am going to either faint run away or vomit!  I am a highly stressed individual with a constant nervous stomach!

  • – THE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES TAROT DECK

R 4 OF SWORDS – PARANORMAL – R CHARIOT – WHEEL OF FORTUNE – 8 OF CUPS AND R 10 OF CUPS

  • REVERSE 4 OF SWORDS – under the 10 of wands

It’s a restless time there is a lot to do, it’s going to be an emotional and bumpy ride and the stress can affect my health a little bit. 

There is a temporary blip in the new relationship, where I am given time to think things through after an ultimatum, they are going to give me time to adjust to what they are going to offer me in my life with them.  They won’t let me rush my decision either, they will find it hard to remove themselves from me in the short term, but they believe it is necessary to force some kind of reflection and absorb it all. 

They ultimate will be relentless in telling me that I am absolutely what they want and they will be very harsh with me about it, they don’t like how I feel about myself.

The temporary blip will rejuvenate me and it will ignite something big in the both of us.  This is totally going to improve matters and make things final, that we are going to have a relationship – as long as I am determined to be strong and think differently about myself and what it means for us both as a whole.

This card is not final – this card is indicative of what may happen if I allow my insecurities to take over.  So basically… do I really want to be put into a situation where I want them, but they removed themselves from me for a time, because I am having adjustment issues?

Hmm.  If they are as great as I think they are, then – no way do I want that.  So, I have to swallow my inverse pride and get on with it and jolly well be happy about it too!

  • PARANORMAL CURIOUSITY under the 5 of swords

A dire need to sort something major out in in my life.  This indicates that the supernatural will take over this problem and create a miracle for us so that we can manifest our aims.

This is in regards to dealing with the figure of authority who is trying to get in the way – this is right after the cards which said my person could lose a lot and have to start again somehow. 

Apparently someone is going to do something unethical and I am not to step on their toes about their beliefs regarding how to handle this matter. 

I am not allowed to know what it is that happens to make the changes necessary – the spirits have asked me not to pry into this.

  • R CHARIOT – under the reverse ace of cups

This cards energy is doubled as it has occurred twice in this reading in the same line – reverse chariot below the ace of cups which is below the magician, which is below the 10 of wands, which is below the queen of cups that is below the reversed chariot – so we have the reverse chariot at the beginning of the reading and we have the reverse chariot at the end of the reading in the same quadrant.

So there is a delay in whatever is about to occur, this is definitely indicative.

So there is definitely a lot of hostility about us being together and there is a lot of blockages and I have to trust my instincts that this guy is genuine and that he knows what he wants and it happens to be me!

No two ways about it.

It’s going to be hard and emotional and I have to get used to it, or lose it all, whilst he too, will lose it all because of me and I have to live with the guilt if I don’t!

As this energy shows me, some very negative stuff will be witness by me, if I choose to let my insecurities get the better of me and I will become sick very quickly as a result of this.  Something terrible will happen to the guy who wants me, if I am not going to be brave enough to accept what I want and that I am deserving of good things.

Something so bad could happen if I refuse him that I will never forgive myself and I will become bitter and broken hearted and very ill.

Basically, I know it sounds dramatic.  But it’s like we’re both going to die if we don’t get together… you know what I mean?

I mean crap…

Who are we Romeo and Juliet?

Sorry but… erm… ew… I don’t do romance… definitely not Shakespearian romance!

Gosh we’ve got to get a grip on ourselves!

  • WHEEL OF FORTUNE – under the reverse sun

Yeah ok this is indicative of fate, destiny, tremendous luck, good fortune and everything else that good! 

We are definitely going to have a good life together, it is all going to be brilliant, it is pre-ordained almost, so I suppose I have to swallow my inverse pride and get brave and stop humbling myself huh?

It makes me sound ungrateful and moody and pessimistic, but I know I am going to be so happy anyway… so I really don’t get what it is that is making me so insecure about the guy!

He is going to be either super-hot, rich or famous or knowing my luck all three and that’s why I can’t believe it and I am running away…

In fact it would probably explain a lot, but NAH it’s not like…. NAH….

Look it’s not like my biggest celeb crush of all time is going to knock on my door is it? 

Or is it?

Oh my gosh…

Well, you’ll never know if it is!  Lol, I have enough celebrities in my family to know how to keep things to myself for their privacy sake!

So, too bad for you if it is this…

OMG

Could be…

Nah!

Just probably super hot and kinda well off.

Was told to read the reverse sun again – OMG stop being so pessimistic!  HELP… no please don’t… but please do… I mean… I never wanted to be mega famous; I am scared of the paparazzi!  Especially after what they did to someone in my…  never mind… forget what I said!

  • EIGHT OF CUPS under the 4 of swords

“The Eight of Cups signifies time for change or transition, by means of walking away from something. Just like a caterpillar has to die before transforming into a beautiful butterfly, we all need to transform ourselves in our lives from time to time. This is the case especially after being tired of living what was the day to day, and embarking on a journey that will help one have a deeper understanding about life in general.” I have quoted this from Labyrinthos which has been helping me with the readings…

OMG I have been saying I am like a caterpillar and butterfly for ages now!

I am asked if the partner is good for me then why am I trying to make them abandon me?

They will walk away for a small time, but not first without giving me an ultimatum… again, it’s my fault with my insecurities.  I have got to just go with the flow and just do what my heart wants to and that is to scream YES OK in their face whilst dancing like a lunatic…

  • REVERSE TEN OF CUPS under the paranormal card

There is definitely a separation, but that’s definitely me and Paul… as we know we are on the road to that right now.

An external figure is trying to get in the way of my new relationship, we have established that already and we know it is something to do with his job – however, this card also indicates it could also be a relative of his.

Some arguments could be very public – erm I don’t like the sound of this.

But either way, we’re sticking together and apparently after a long while of stress and hostility from others, we will be OK.  More than OK in fact and according to the cards, people will relax about us quicker than we anticipate.

Unfortunately though, again, I feel guilty.  Because this guy is going to lose a lot – gosh I hope I am worth it, poor guy!

I really want to squeeze him tight right now as I feel real bad about it all.

But know this… I like the sound of you whoever you are!

Though quite frankly you terrify me and I have no idea why, yet!

Thank you for reading and thank you whoever you are for trying so hard!

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1st reading part 1

I like to do a once a month tarot and oracle reading on average.  I am not confident of my reading ability, though many people who I have read for in the past have indicated that I am very accurate and spooky.

I have decided to share the monthly readings online, because a spirit told me that someone is interested in the mysticism that’s in my life and wants to see more of it, they also indicated that our cards might be similar…  I wonder who that is?  Let me know if it’s you in the comments below!

My oracle reading for the next four weeks;

1 – Druid animal oracle by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm

EAGLE

This card indicates that I have a huge decision to make this month.

I may also make a powerful alliance with someone.

There will definitely be some kind of detachment from something or someone or rejuvenation because of one or both of the above.

I may have to have courage in whatever this card is indicating, the decision or the person or the situation.

2 – The Lovers Oracle pack

MANIFESTING MIRACLES

My dreams are soon to become a reality.

I have to trust my heart and continue to follow in its guidance.

3 – Chakra wisdom oracle cards by Tori Hartman

VICTIM

This card represents the Heart Chakra – so that chakra could be the most dominant this month particularly with the below meaning behind it;

I am going to be in denial of a situation that will occur to me

I am asked to make a major decision regarding my whole life

I will feel delusional about what is offered, I won’t believe the person, but apparently it’s not a trick as the other cards in this reading will show and indicate…

The offer is about both growth and empowerment, but other cards in the reading indicate it could be a new relationship too, where growth & empowerment will be important throughout that relationship

The card is VICTIM – but this indicates I could be the victim of my own inability to see that I am worthy of this potential offer or relationship!

4 – The Spirit of the Animals Oracle – I was only meant to draw one card from this pack but 3 fell when I had barely shuffled after asking my question and I read them all as I felt an instinct to do so! 

4.1 BEE – COMMUNITY

The bee indicates an increase in communication, community spirit or social matters in my life.

It is also a powerful manifestation card, meaning that something I have wanted a long time is coming to me. 

It is also a card meaning reward, gifts or an offer.

This is another reason why I believe it is a new relationship coming into my life and they are coming with an offer that will change my life.

4.2 GRIZZLY BEAR – POWER

The grizzly bear shows me that there is an increase in my personal power coming soon, or a person coming into my life that has a lot of personal power.

If it is a person coming into my life, this person is strong, powerful, protective and loving towards me. 

4.3 EAGLE – MASTERY

To have two eagles from two different packs indicates an increase in all the eagle energies of the reading, so it is intensified.

But this particular oracle deck suggests that this card for this reading mainly indicates letting go of the past.  This is yet another reading I have had a lot of in the past nine weeks about how my life is going to be turned literally upside down but for the better in every possible area of my life!

All previous readings I have had from the past few weeks indicated to me that November 2022, February 2023, July 2023 and September 2023 are all going to be major months in my life with big upheavals or events.  In a previous reading it indicates in July 2023 there will potentially be immigration, leaving my homeland not just the house but the whole country!  But I have no plans for that – yet… what’s changing?  Well another reading a few days ago showed me that July 30th could be a wedding date, now that’s super-fast, if this is a new relationship that’s happening!

5 – Tea Leaf Fortune Cards by Rae Hepburn

I dropped 2 from the first of two piles.  I read them both.

5.1 DRAGON

Beware of self-delusions.  This is another card which has indicated the above again… I have a hard time accepting when anything good happens to me, I am always expecting a trick behind it, you know?

5.2 CLUB

Someone will make a decision for me or will force me to make a decision or do something – again, a decision to react.

Pile 2 is next as this is a huge deck that needs to be split…

5.3 BUTTERFLY

A change for the better! 

Again over the past three months, I have got a lot of cards about how I am going through a major transformation.

I thought it would be interesting to let you know how these cards were arranged so far…

The bee had the dragon underneath it – which shows that the decision I have to make, I will probably not feel worthy of again, so this is definitely a major message here.

The grizzly bear had the club directly underneath that, which is kind of scary when you see a grizzly bear with a club in its hands!  Lol – but on a serious note, this is about power play, someone wants a decision and they might not be afraid to make it for me if I am too insecure or dithery about it.  Remember this person indicates a loving, strong and protective person.

The eagle has the butterfly underneath it, which shows us that I will be letting go of the past because of a major transformation happening in my life, the transformation is happening because of this major decision and potential alliance/relationship and I am required to have courage and move onto greener pastures.

So that’s what’s going to be happening in the next four weeks according to my oracle cards of the reading. 

The tarot decks will be done in part 2.

Thank you for reading!

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Intrusion & chaos

Henry has been having a lot of health problems recently and there is a lot of emotional upset happening in the family too; this has meant that finding time to write more than a paragraph a day has been hard on me. 

Henry could lose his place in his school because he is having so much time off and this is affecting the relationships of the household negatively, both Paul and Henry are constantly at loggerheads with one another.

We are currently still grieving the loss of a relative as well as all the mental and physical health of Henry, along with the fact that Paul and I are in the process of separating – so my future is very unstable right now.

Although my physical health has improved, it still has a long way to go; my stamina for example, needs a lot of work.  I am trying my best to heal myself mentally too, but I still have a long way to go before I would say I am out of the woods with the suicidal thoughts.

Henry has decided that although staying with his father isn’t ideal for him in the long run, he wants to stay with him because he feels loyal to his 300yr ancestry in this village and Henry understands it is unlikely I will stay local if I leave.

Why is that?  Because I generally flow to wherever I feel needed or wanted, wherever that may be!

It is because of all of this, I can’t make any more deadlines on my writing work.  It is amazing I am managing to do as much as I have with all of this going on, but writing a novel within my usual six to ten weeks, is a thing of the past right now.  Things are too chaotic and there are other things that need attention in my life.

I am still writing, but it has slowed down, it has been mostly ideas and snippets – primarily because nobody respects my space and the fact that I am the only person in the house who is actively trying to improve their lives and get us out of a hovel.

I am doing this 100% without the support of anyone who is actually physically in my life – my only support is people who enjoy talking with me on twitter.

I cannot commit to a deadline until I am somehow removed from all of this chaos and intrusion and I honestly don’t know when that will be!

Especially as I am having a very emotional time myself right now and finding it hard to keep my head together.

Happy reading and sorry to disappoint anyone!

P.S Henry is currently on half term as well, but he hasn’t been to school three days before the holidays started. He is much better now; he had gastric flu.

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