Tag Archives: rainbow

Romance with death

So many things are taking up space in my mind over the past few days; I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything but emotional presence, which is strange because I usually try to avoid acknowledging my emotions as much as possible, or at least as minimal as possible.

I don’t really know much about meditation other than what I have learned in books and on YouTube.

I have never had a guided meditation – so I don’t really know if the meditation I did a few days ago called “Who am I”? Has anything to do with it, but it’s a strange coincidence if it hasn’t.

When I am not drifting off into trance-like stupors losing twenty minutes a time, I try to sit and focus on writing something for my blog or towards my stories or reading a book, only for me to be absorbed yet again in my emotions.

There is a voice at the back of my head telling me that I need to go through this process as it is healing me in preparation for something big coming into my life.

If I want to cry, do it – but I still try to hold back.

I never did get into the crying yoga I said I was interested in – I kind of know deep down it is something I need… but I still hold back.

I often try not to be emotionally present so it is all new to me.  I try to shut away my emotions into a coffin, put it into a wardrobe and throw the wardrobe into a lake tied up with ropes and rocks so I don’t remember them… until a drought comes at least.

Not that I fly tip or anything, I am being metaphorical – some people can take things too seriously!

I think there are some readers out there that takes me too seriously too – sometimes when my depression kicks in and I make all these creative works of poetry, I sometimes sit back and laugh at how tragic I was for those moments and I feel stupid and slightly embarrassed by yet another emotional outburst. 

I think it is good for you to know that sometimes when I have got it all out creatively, I do laugh at myself – because of how pathetic I come across.  Some days though, I am quite serious and often think about death very seriously after writing such things… but a good third to near half of the time I find humour in my tragedy, like some kind of sad clown story.

I do see myself as a pitiful sad clown a lot of the time.  The kind of clown that will sit in the grey in dirty dusty clown clothes, with a black cone hat and grey pom poms on it, sitting miserably alone in their own grey tragedy – then suddenly opens the door of their house to jump off the cliff that’s waiting just beyond the threshold only he is saved by a rainbow bridge and whilst he is standing on that rainbow bridge he magically transforms into a colourful rainbow clown and laughs at his own sorrow and skips off down the curve of the rainbow to play with the faeries!

Well that’s how I visualise myself anyway.

Dark sense of humour at times!

But you have to admit though, the depths I go, the sarcasm at times, the irony etc. – I see myself as ironic, my humour is definitely ironic and I know because I have been told multiple times that my humour is lame – but you’ve got to admit, sometimes it’s funny?

Was never meant to be, but boy I can get too deep at times cant I? Its almost like a romance with death and despair!

Well, if I didn’t laugh I’d cry and which one is better eh?

I’m trying so hard not to be a Sylvia Plath, not going down her route.

However, my depression is very real.  Have no doubt about that.

Thank you for reading… 

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Dance to the beat of life!

Sometimes we need grey skies to make it rain

Sorry if those days cause you pain

Let’s hope the sun peaks from the clouds

So we can have a rainbow party so loud!

So we can dance away the insanity of life

Dance away the strife

Because it hurts like a knife when life is grey!

Because life is more than this they say!

So dance to the beat of life and be merry

Dance with your friends, Leah, John and Jerry

So come on now, let’s plough a field of dreams

You need the rain it seems

To make it grow

And it will grow

Just wait and see

You’ll be free some day!

Yippee!

Because everything is temporary

Love and hate

Peace and war

 Rain and sun and so much more

It won’t last, so have a blast when the sun shines down on you!

That’s all you can do

Right now!

Dance to the beat of life…

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I am everything or a rainbow

Above is a picture I took a few days ago – the lighting is not good and no its not filtered. Definitely seeing the weight loss in my face, in my opinion.

That’s face yoga for you!

I’d like to show another updated full-length picture of me but people are not patient with me when I need them to shoot me… I mean take my picture so I bought a full-length mirror – now I have to probably wait six months for Paul to put it up on the wall for me so I can shoot myself – I mean do selfies.

The other day I shared a dream about how I want to look and I told you all that I regard it with embarrassment a bit – that’s true, but what I failed to tell you all is that even with that I dither at times.

Most the time I want the platinum/white hair and to dress how I like in rainbows, fluff and pinks – but there is another side of me.

Sometimes, though not often, I want to be the strong looking athletic brunette with a long French plait, good toned arms, but stockier than the image I have about the platinum/white haired version of me.  Sometimes in the brunette form I have in my mind, I would wear a crown braid and I would mostly wear black jeans and a white tank top, everything toned. 

I like both ideas and I know which one is easier to become, it’s the secondary one.  I could never really shape or mould such a muscle dense body such as this into the body shape of the platinum/white haired dream.

However, the brunette version of me I only ever really think about once a week – so I don’t like it as much as I do the platinum/white version I have in mind, also the vampire/dark side in me prefers the brunette.

The purpose of the photo was to show you what I look like and what you think would suit me best?

Why did I mention this?  Because today is a brunette day – a big contrast to yesterday where for about half a day I wanted rainbow coloured hair, glittery make up and rainbow dungarees for some weird reason!

I think though it had something to do with the “Who am I” meditation I did, because one thing was clear to me in the meditation – I was the warm sun on a rainy sunny day and what happens on rainy warm sunny days like those?  Rainbows…

I felt both dark and light all at once, good and evil all at once and what do you get when you mix dark and light whilst holding crystals in your hand?  That’s right… rainbows!

So I am everything or a rainbow… I am still not very sure just of yet!

I didn’t share everything I said I was in my meditation yesterday as a lot I was embarrassed about – such as being a rainbow and other weird things like that! 

I very nearly cut out the sex but then I remembered that you all know I am a nympho anyway! 

I don’t think I can make up my mind what I want to look like between the two – my sensibilities tells me go with the one I want the most and think about the most and that would be the white/platinum me – but that is the hardest path to tread in moulding my body naturally.

I’ve mentioned before, in my adult life I find it hard to be lighter than 180 pounds because of muscle mass – I used to do weight lifting when I was younger I just can’t get below 180.  I gain muscle really fast and it is scary what I will look like if I hit the weights again – I really need one on one advice which I am hoping to start at the end of the month at the local gym.

It seems logical then to go with the secondary choice as I don’t think my body shape once I’ve reached my goal would suit a white/platinum woman in Barbiecore clothing, would it?

Oh I don’t know, this is exactly the reason why I was in the TPE lifestyle (total power exchange), the man in my life makes those decisions for me!  LOL

Thanks for reading

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Filed under About Me, Defining myself, Who am I today?

Fool myself

Sleep deprived and hungry

I hold back the tears

I dream of fantasies and it takes away my fears

I see a rainbow in my head and I chase it down

Because I am hiding from myself and my own frown

Maybe here I can hide and pretend I am really happy

Dancing with the pixies like everything is sweet and sappy

Maybe I can fool myself till it is true

Maybe I can dance away all these blues

I sing good luck to myself

Hang my sadness up on the shelf

And make believe that it’s OK

And skip around and play all day!

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Spirit & energy

It is vitally important to always make sure you have your own personal space in your home, so you have a chance to heal and a place to make a sanctuary; it is important to fiercely guard this space and for twelve years I had to fight to find mine and it was genuinely a battle.

It has only really been two months now, since this space has been truly mine in every sense of the word; a place that I can decorate and design to my will, a place where I can relax and sleep and even sometimes write on the quiet days.

This house has a lot of negative energy running through it, which is what you can expect when you have a polluted stream running right under your house and this stream is drying up.

I have never been happy in this house, because I felt this house made me sick and it wasn’t until two years into my ill-health that Paul told me about the stream under the house; had I of known before I moved in with him, I wouldn’t have moved in with him, not in this house.

Why?

Because living on water like that is not good for a witch, or so my family has told me as there are some ancestry from Salem, the Howe’s, my ancestors were the ones who got away.  Living on water can do two things to a proper blood born witch; make you sick because it affects your energy at a consistent pace and can affect your spell crafting abilities negatively whilst overloading your instinct for fortune telling and clairvoyance.  That is of course, if you are not a sea or a water based witch, those are different.  Yes my Chinese astrological element is water, but this is not a good place for me to live.  I can live by water, as long as I am not on top of it and as long as it is not constantly flowing beneath me.

This is a shame because I have always liked the idea of long holidays on barges and cruises, I know for a fact I used to love going rowing in the summer with my dad and cousins and I don’t suffer from seasickness.

I am a non-practising witch these days, I only do crystal healing, fortune readings, clairvoyant stuff and I still feed the faeries and the house spirits, hug trees and that sort of thing – but I don’t actively do spells anymore, as I believe it negatively affects the balance of the universe.  I do believe however in cosmic ordering and that the cosmos knows how to balance things better than we do, in my opinion, cosmic ordering or wish-craft is far superior to witchcraft.  It’s gentler, it’s balanced and it is not forcing anything and you build a relationship with the source that is deep and loving and protective and always knows best!

Since gaining my new space and doing my little cleansing rituals and a little bit of Feng Shui (only a little) I have noticed something about my particular space that I have never felt whilst living in this house and that is a lightness, a clean energy, a vibrancy developing here.

The other members of my household, Paul and Henry have noticed this energy too and try to spend more time in my space than their own, but I quickly rush them out after twenty minutes, because this is my space and I can’t lose it again.

I am relying a lot on crystal energy for this space.  I do a cleansing ritual every time someone comes into my space with anything negative; it’s become almost an obsession.  But you have no idea how quickly the energy darkens and becomes depressive if I am not consistently on top of it.

All I do is use my quartz crystal to make a protective star in the room, circle me thrice and if necessary open the window for half an hour.

This is my bedroom and it is not shared by anyone, this is my space and I love it.

My room has become known in the family as the rainbow room, because my crystals make about fifty little prisms all over the walls when they are poked to swing in the window and when those rainbows light up the room, the energy is so soothing and beautiful, I can’t get rid of anyone who comes in until they fade.

My clairvoyance and my instinctive abilities are increasing exponentially, where I am becoming unsurprised by events happening in my life now.  But I am also driven with excitement by something I can sense, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

All I know is my world is about to turn upside down and become completely unrecognisable soon, but I understand that it’s all positive and good and I will be ecstatically happy for a very long time after this event.  What this event might be?  I am unsure really, but it indicates a new person coming into my life that will just drastically change everything and heal me emotionally and help me become strong and vibrant again.

My spirits are sometimes mischievous but never harmful or toxic, whenever I ask who this person is? They laugh at me and told me, I will not be able to speak when I see them, I won’t believe it’s true and I may be tempted to run away from them when they approach me.

They also said that this person will be the best thing to ever happen in my life!

They told me that we will work together in a similar or same career, that together we will be a power couple that people will look at us as Emperor and Empress because our ideas coming together are so spectacular that the world will literally be in awe of us.  Which sounds exciting – I wondered if it is another writer or someone along those lines, Paul guesses I might fall in love with the agent I get.  Who knows?

They said that our creativity will be a huge legacy for literally generations to come!  We will not be forgotten, it’s that kind of big energy.

They also told me that my new prospective partner will be ecstatic because they knew their intuition was right about me, that they are happy that they can change into doing something they’ve been wanting to do a lot for the past few years, but circumstances have meant they had to go in another direction they weren’t as passionate in, but just generally liked a bit.

I was told he will love how playful I am, how changeable I am, how pliable I can be in most situations and ultimately he will see me as a very inspiring person and he will get on my case about not using my abilities to the best that I can.  He will be very pushy about my talents, all of them and I won’t be able to hide any from him or the world, he won’t allow it.

He will push me into the world and have a “have fun” attitude and will stick around waiting to push me back if I try to wander away from what I am supposed to be doing.

He sounds impossible, but supportive, cheeky and fun.

He will challenge me on every level to be the best that I can be for myself, he won’t let me belittle myself or make do, he will always make me strive to take better things.  Apparently there is a couple of things which will frustrate the both of us being together… for him, it is my idea of moderation and accepting less than I really want and my apparent, needless frugality.  He is apparently here to teach me how to grasp abundance, but according to my spirits, he is fighting a losing battle as I am just so naturally happy and grateful for whatever I have and I never overdo things for myself.

I overdo things for others, but it is hard for me to digest and accept doing it for myself.

He will also have a challenging time with my insecurities, but after as little as two years he would have the victory he was vying for regarding that!  This is what the spirits promised, I laughed as two years is too short a time for that!

But they are determined that he knows me more than I do!

As for my reaction to him, apparently he will know how to push all of my buttons for any reaction he desires and this will sometimes scare me, because he will challenge me a lot!  He will not do anything to harm me, or make me feel bad in anyway, but he will scare me by putting me into situations and teaching me how to cope with them and have fun, because in his opinion I have missed out a lot in life and he is determined I won’t miss out on anything else!

My lesson to him apparently is improving spiritual connection and emotional healing as well as filling the void.  Oh and apparently although he is known to be a little eccentric already by people who know him, apparently us being together will make him stand out as being even more outrageous, because we’ll do it as a couple together!  We are apparently two peas in a pod!

The spirits said we are the couple that get the most invites to places, simply because we liven things up with our presence and vibrancy.

To be perfectly honest, it has to be a dream and this can’t really happen for me.  Because in my opinion, I am past it; I am forty years old, I am not very attractive, I can’t see how all of this is going to happen in such a short space of time.  I have got myself into a homebody rut, so how am I going to meet this guy, huh?

Is he going to just turn up on my doorstep?  I don’t think so!

But OK… email me first?

Thanks for reading.

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It’s rainbow tardy day!

It’s a rainbow tardy day, I want to be surrounded by prisms and rainbows and I just can’t decide which colours to wear today so it’s almost anything I can find, which isn’t much in my wardrobe unfortunately!

I saw some really cool knee high rainbow stockings on Pinterest today, I so want them!  But they wouldn’t suit me, I have to hide my legs, I have hockey legs, or so gran called them!

I tried making a banner for free today on Canva, spent an hour trying to make it, for it to turn out wrong and I gave up!  Setting up YouTube by January may be another fail, unless I can get to grips with it.

I hope I can.

Happy reading!

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My life in colour

It’s a colourful world and over the years my favourite colours have changed, quite dramatically.

When I was very small, from as young as I can remember probably a toddler, till I was around seven years old, I loved the colours pink and red; I was a truly quite a feminine little creature back then.  When I turned around 8yrs old, I grew to hate both of those colours, because my mum came away from blacks and browns and decided to decorate most of the house red and it came with her massive personality changes in how she raised me.

Red is a colour of aggression and violence and it happened to be a time where there was a lot of it in the house from each member of the family to each other and outsiders forcing their way into the home or dragging people out of it for a darn good belting!

Mum changed the colour scheme when I was around 12yrs old on advisement from the therapist I was seeing.  This is when I began to believe in colour psychology, because a lot of the violence cooled down, not a lot, but enough to feel safer.

My favourite colour became sky blue until I reached around 10yrs old, when I decided I liked black and royal blue a lot.

Around the age of 14 my favourite colour went back to sky blue, but also pastel yellows, until I had my mastoid surgery when I was around 17 – when my colour scheme went back to black, royal blues and purples and more or less stayed there for most of my life since.

It was around 2013 that my colours kind of changed again – Royal purple being my main favourite, but with lime green, orange and chocolate brown – I still occasionally like royal blue and even teal or viridian maybe even turquoise, I noticed I like peacock colours and royal colours a lot. 

These days I mostly prefer purples of any shade, blues of any shade and certain types of green and orange.  I am going off brown lately, unless in fashion.

I’ve always loved certain patterns too, like harlequin patterns, black and white diamonds you know?  Rainbows, zebra prints, polka dots and gingham, I also kind of like dogtooth.

If it’s garish I’d probably like it.  I don’t like to have things looking too uniformed around a home, I kind of like to mix and match for comfort.  I love cushions of any size and shape really. 

I really, really hate large blocks of white and grey though; grey is the most hated colour in all the world to me.  Though put grey on a man in a nice suit and it’s pretty good for some men, suits some of them – but ordinarily outside of that, I have a low grey tolerance.    Silver is fine, but not grey.

I’m allergic to gold, but still like to use the gold paint, which reminds me…

I also love metallic colours and when I used to be able to afford practising my art, I’d use metallic up before anything else.

One of my favourite things in interior design is the Verdigris copper effect.

Most of the flowers in my garden are blue, purple or orange with little shocks of white here and there.  Before the bad neighbour started to take the joy of gardening away from me, our front garden was known as the blue garden that stole nature.  Because our garden was mostly all different shades of blue and purples and we had all the bees, butterflies, birds and other creatures you could think of, whereas everywhere else was barren.

I also like steampunk stuff too, as I said, I love metals, but I really hate all this modern interior design that goes in for a lot of chrome and that – that’s not me.  I like organised chaos, mix it up, nothing that looks too clinical, you know?

My home here with Paul in the past few years has slowly started to look more and more like a teenagers bedroom, not because of the mess – that’s not me, I am not messy, it’s the boys of the house that does that!  But for me what I meant is, I am not ashamed to have beautiful butterfly cushions on the sofa, mixed up with a marvel cushion and a piglet cushion etc.

I am not ashamed of adorning my bookshelves with trolls, gnomes, faeries, dragons and crystals.

I am also not ashamed to use perfume instead of air spray to freshen the rooms up a bit.

What gets confusing is days like today… I feel gothic today.  I want to be like Morticia Addams, I wish I had her figure at least! 

I often wondered what it would be like to be so rich that you could be ridiculous with it… such as, have a huge house that is completely identical on either side, you know, like a mirror, but its split in half, still attached, only one side is completely gothic on the inside with dark academia style – the other side is like a teenage fantasy house with kooky stuff and bits of kawaii.  On the outside everyone can see what looks like a morph of The Addams Family residence stuck together and squished into some weird little fairy cottage or something.

Because day to day I change, some days I wake up feeling like the creature of the night and other days I am waking up with the same spirit and vibrancy of a care bear!

Mummy’s having a spooky day dear; please go to the kitchen of gloom for your breakfast today.  Haha.

On a serious note, it is something I’ve thought about for a while.

Obviously on the dark side we’ll have creaky doors and noisy furniture.

It is hard for me to choose which lifestyle to be, fantasy colourful and bright or dark academia spook.

Do I want to wear rainbow dungarees today?  Or do I totally want the Elvira vibe?

Decisions, decisions!

I think I’ll just mix it up and keep doing that.

So what if you see a three headed dog statue in one corner and a rainbow unicorn in another, so what if you come across hands in the wall to hang your coats and crystals shining rainbows into the room – it’s a home and it would be mine and I feel it to be divine!

Does anybody want to join me in my weirdness?

Because certainly if you want a life with me it’s certainly not going to be boring and I refuse to be normal… normal people scare me, why the heck do I want to be one of them?

If I won the lottery on Friday I will be buying loads of weird stuff, Paul dreads it.  But Paul isn’t planning on being in my life anymore, so what the hey?

You can get an idea of my weird tastes by following some of my pin boards on Pinterest.  My favourite and weirdest board is called FUNNYTURE  https://www.pinterest.co.uk/thetardycreative/funnyture/

Thanks for reading!

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I like rainbows

I like rainbows

You can’t get them without the darkness

You can’t get them without the rain

You can’t get them without your shadows

But they can heal your pain

I like rainbows

They are fun and they are pretty

They put smiles on sad faces

And they colour our drab cities

I like rainbows

They shine bright through the air

They might be nothing to you

But for me they show God cares

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Introducing – Ray The Rainbow Rabbit!

My rabbit Ray the Rainbow Rabbit.

Ray was born on the 22nd July 2018 as a Dutch grey rabbit and was adopted by me, his human mother on the 5th October, as part solace for me losing my guinea pig called Truth and part birthday present to me.  Ray was originally named Rainbow by Henry my son, but the rabbit was so deeply embarrassed and depressed by this name that we tried many various names to console the poor chap – until one day it dawned on me that Ray could be a shortened version of Rainbow and Ray has loved us ever since! 

When we first told Ray that his name was going to be Rainbow when we got him home, he did in true rabbit style drama collapsed on his side and was sulking for the first 4 months of living with us.  When I said to him I will now permanently call him Ray near the end of March he was so happy he literally did circuits around his cage and now licks and purrs at me whenever we snuggle.  Whenever I remind Ray that he is called Rainbow, he instantly gets shy, lies down tightly with his ears pinned firmly back to his neck and refuses to acknowledge anyone. 

Ray is toilet trained and is a house rabbit that coincidentally is a huge fan of Peter Rabbit from Cbeebies – my former rabbit Rozzy liked Dr Who.

Ray doesn’t like carrots in fact all rabbits I’ve ever had hates carrots, so I don’t believe in the carrot munching rabbit myth.

Ray has been trained to say “Hello” and “Yes” by using his ears as sign language – yes I know you are probably getting your phones ready to send the men in white coats to me right now aren’t you?  But it is true and someday I will get a phone I can work out and prove it to you on YouTube!

He is a very talkative and responsive rabbit with a temper – I have never known such an aggressive self-assured rabbit before and he will bite!

But he is a loving soul really; I also think he is rather mystical; he has done many strange and unexplained things since living here.  Such as managing to push an entire corn on the cob out of the narrow prongs of his cage by himself, flattened his wooden hut and often high fives Henry.  Not to mention the household Nisse is his best friend!

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Inktober day 7 – Leprechaun and his pot of gold

Leprechaun with his pot of gold!

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