Tag Archives: quiet

Cross of changes

This time last year I would struggle to see how my habits and day to day activities would have changed so much in such a short space of time – I would want to question, what’s happened to me?

I still do… but I think I know what’s happened…

Yes, it all goes back to my instinct that everything is going to change soon and I mean everything!

For me on a personal level, on all levels of personal life – not the world, this isn’t some kind of big major worldwide prophecy; no… it’s very personal to me.

I think this energy has spurred me on to fight for life a bit.

Though I do have setbacks, I am not as depressed as I used to be and I am not so absorbed in unhealthy things and trying to zone out as much as I was.  As I said, I do have setbacks; there are days where I wonder if I should bother to fight – but then this energy shows up and acts like some kind of motivational coach with me.

Don’t dare give up on the idea of “me” kind of energy!

Somebody is coming into my life soon, I can feel it – and I think they have a strong spiritual connection to me whoever they might be.  They don’t want me giving up on them, because by not focusing on changes in my life and by not fighting for my life, I would have given up on them!

Now this can all be in my head – I may very well be suffering from imaginary friend syndrome or something along those lines… but is it so bad for me, if it makes me get up in the morning, change my eating habits, exercise a little and make outlandish plans for myself and make me fierce about any adversary? 

If it’s a spirit tricking me, then are they really malevolent for doing so?

Except for the fact that this idealistic person not coming into my life after all and heart-breaking me a year down the line… the rest of it is pretty good, no?

So, what’s changed?

Whether for good or bad, I am not reading more than a couple of pages a day on average now.

I find it hard to sit around for longer than an hour without doing some small thing.

I am singing a lot and starting to dance a bit.

I am not playing games online for longer than an hour a day anymore.

I am talking to strangers more – OK, they are online, but I never used to bother so much until recently.

I am forcing myself to eat a high protein and Vitamin C diet.

I am trying to get 20 minutes of exercise every two days at minimum.

I am fighting to spend time and be more active in my son Henry’s life more, instead of giving up without a fight to whatever his dad wants!

I am no longer afraid of telling Paul exactly what I think about him and what’s going on in our situation in regards to the poverty, the house falling apart etc. – I am no longer accepting our life!

I am starting to get back my old high standards for myself and living in general – unfortunately there are too many obstacles but I am trying to smash them down wherever possible!

I haven’t stuck to my goals in regards to my writing, because I am too focused on my transition and because the environment is too chaotic at times.

I also decided that I am going to throw caution to the wind and practise reiki on my son to see if it helps his behaviour and it has!

Henry was diagnosed autistic last week and since I started to treat him exactly how I did my former clients and since doing reiki on him, he is a different person.  Henry and I have come to an agreement that many things we like to do or say together should be kept away from his dad, because his dad gets hot-headed about it all.

Henry likes to learn about culture and religion, particularly the Jewish aspect of our ancestry and he likes to ask questions about other religions such as Christianity and specific biblical figures such as Moses and Jesus.  But if Paul over hears us, the arguments that blow out of control is… I can’t describe it, sorry!

So Henry and I have agreed to be more private about it and talk about it when his dad is downstairs and we’re in his room together or he is in mine.

Henry clings to tradition; it’s his comfort blanket, as it is mine… I can understand that, but Paul can’t!

Henry was so excited about something he learned about Jesus today that he absent-mindedly rushed off to tell his dad – but was met with terse rejection and then Paul started ranting about his mess and stuff and Henry came back in tears to me, hugging me tightly because he doesn’t understand why his dad hates it all so much!

Because Henry was raised to dislike Jesus for being a terrorist etc – yet I put Henry straight and said on the contrary, he was a God fearing man who respected God and was even a rabbi – Henry was shocked that Jesus was Jewish and Henry admitted to me that he was always afraid of Jesus because he thought he was a bad guy.  I said, no – but what is wrong is that he is would turn in his grave if he knew people worshipped him instead of God!

Henry’s eyes literally lit up, he looked so enlightened and it was a lovely change in him, he looked genuinely joyous!

But this and other things we can’t talk about around Paul – professional wrestling, robot wars, and the history of politics and good family memories to a certain extent.

Unfortunately, it’s all the things that Henry loves and shuts himself away doing on his own for hours every night.

Henry is slowly learning there is a vast contrast between me and his dad and Henry asked me a couple of days ago – “why didn’t you even share and say these things to me before” and the answer was simple and true… because your dad wouldn’t like it!

Why am I choosing to go behind Paul’s back now?

Because Henry needs the balance, Henry feels attacked at all sides and when I don’t take any stance at all and just sit there – he looks at me imploring me for help or a response and when I just say… do as your dad says, he looks defeated and broken and that’s hard to stomach long term!  Especially when you feel that what your partner or ex-partner has just done, is wrong!

Henry’s biggest struggle in life is learning that his father will not give him a cultural identity.

Everybody needs some kind of cultural identity, even if they are mixed up like my family – it shows us where we are from and shapes who we are, take that away and you are left to wonder what you are… what do you stand for and all kinds of existential worries!

Something like that is hard on an adult, let alone a child, especially an autistic one that doesn’t even have the security blanket an autistic person needs of a regular schedule day to day.

Henry functions quite normally at school, because it is scheduled.  Since Henry was three years old, around the time I got sick – I have been fighting Paul to get dinner at 6pm sharp.  But dinner in this house can be anywhere between 4pm and 10pm, there is no regular meal time table here and its worse in the school holidays.

Since Henry’s diagnosis I have tried to instil in Paul, schedule is everything for an autistic child, please sort it out!

But it goes in one ear out the other.

It drives me crazy no having a schedule too, my stomach can’t stomach meal times that are all over the place!

You try giving a child a roast dinner an hour before he goes to bed!

I struggle sleeping if I eat too much before bed, but a child?

There are days where we have our dinner and we have our crepes for pudding and fifteen minutes later, it’s come on Henry, bed time!

After all these years and all the times I’ve told him – it’s got to change, it never has!

I am grateful I am getting better physically – that I am able to do a little around the house, not much – because my efforts aren’t respected, they are usually undone in a couple of hours by Paul.  But – I am trying to really fight to take back control over the house.

So I can stand on my own two feet and do so well enough that I can move out into my own home!

Paul is becoming rebellious lately because he knows what’s up; I haven’t hidden anything from him.

We had a good friendship which seems to be slowly turning toxic since he found that other lady – which no longer is in his life.  He has tried to make amends with me, tried to bump up a little affection by being more mindful about hugs goodnight and goodbye etc. – but I am rejecting them, because he originally rejected me.

I lived in this house dotingly knowing that I was never happy here, that the house was a disgrace, that the environment was uncomfortable, that he was financially lazy and insecure and that he didn’t have any inclination towards intimacy with me and he certainly never defended me from our neighbour.  I did so dotingly because it was my family and I made do… I don’t want to make do anymore, because I realised that I was more loyal to him than he was to me and that was a big slap in the face!

I can and will tolerate a lot from a person if I know that they love and want me – take that away from me and I won’t stay, I don’t like leaving people, but if I know I am unwanted or easily disposed of, it makes it hard for me to want to try and make do.

I really will tolerate so much from a person, if they remain consistent in letting me know how much they love, respect and want me!  Just those things, that’s all I require oh and don’t humiliate me or insult my intelligence. 

I can tolerate so much; I tolerate rude behaviour, wacky behaviour, selfish behaviour, jealousy, and control, loss of identity, being made to become a tireless servant and to a certain extent a little aggression.  But I can’t tolerate humiliation, being reminded I am disposable, people constantly correcting me, because they believe I am stupid or misinformed. 

As long as you want me, respect me, love me, never humiliate me or treat me like I am stupid – then we’re going to be OK! 

Because my very nature is easy-going, I go with the flow and I blend in with whatever people and environment I am around the most, I am a chameleon – I am happy to be like that.  I thrive on love and acceptance and I give so much back and I don’t complain – I may cheerfully joke around and be sarcastic about my guy’s malchauvinistic ways or ego or mock affronted about their laziness… but its all in jest, really I wouldn’t want things to be different.  I miss those kinds of relationships, which is why I used to be heavily involved in the BDSM lifestyle, I wanted a husband like that.

They love me, they keep me, they get everything – I make sure to give the world to them and more if I could!

Hopefully the guy would be a touchy feely kind of guy, hands on, obsessed slightly – because I like being touched and I touching too!  In normal relationships I am too clingy, I am too passive, I am too needy or odd because I want to do things for them all the time… does that make sense?  I know the only guys who appreciate the kind of woman I am, are those in the lifestyle who aren’t emotionally distant and healing from some obscure emotional wounds from their past.  The kind of dominants who know what they want and will get it out of me by hook or by crook!

I find the most painful thing about being in a relationship like that is being ignored for too long!  Or not being given a sense of duty or daily tasks to fulfil and it can be hard when things aren’t regularly appreciated in some way – when there is no reward, whether just verbal or otherwise.

Yes I know, I sound pathetic – but it’s just me and it’s what makes me tick!

I think that if these spiritual insights aren’t founded to be true within a few months’ time, but I manage to get fit enough to leave Paul… I may go back into the lifestyle, look for a dominant or a daddy figure and do that rather than be alone.

Thing is, most dominants don’t like women over 28yrs old, especially if she wants to have more children like I do!

So I may not get what I want from life soon enough.

But I am trying so hard to manifest this, you have no idea!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Defining myself

In the new Eden

Collecting apples in the Garden of Eden was a sin

I won’t commit the same act, I am not dim

An Eve of a new dawn, collecting peaches instead

Whilst nursing strawberries in their straw beds

The march is cancelled, but the date is still on

I’ll be gardening here, when they have all gone

It will be quiet on Earth without all their noise

But I will tinker on in solitude and poise

I am a raven who has lost her wings

But louder now the angels sing

For I have a new path that I must take

And not a foot wrong should I make

To grow a new garden for the King and son

For a new age has just begun

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Filed under poetry

A habitual creature

I haven’t given up my project AD, but writing it in this environment is increasingly hard for me – there is little respect for my time for doing this and Henry keeps having a lot of time off from school due to sickness.

When Henry is home it is almost impossible to just simply function like normal, because Paul and Henry are constantly sniping and screaming at each other for one reason or another.

I would love to start a YouTube channel very soon, but to be honest, it may have to be in twenty minute snatches of time, because that’s as long as they go between slanging matches with each other. 

My project AD is definitely developing a lot in my head, I just wish I could get it down in writing – it is starting to give me a headache as I can’t do as much as I want to anymore.  There are times, like now, I have only written four short paragraphs and that is enough for me to lose my flow and have to come back an hour or so later to try and add more, because someone has decided to scream at another person 3ft from my ear.

Thankfully though, right now, it’s not so bad – it’s not the usual problem, but it could soon escalate. 

Project AD is developing into a gothic-noir in my opinion, though there are comedy elements in it and it is written for children I am seeing the artwork as quite similar to those found in movies such as The Crow, Batman or Tim Burton style.

I am loving the comedic scenes I am seeing in my head and there will be more humans in the story than I originally planned – normal humans, children specifically, which help the mutated animals come to grips with the post human ruled world, by learning how to adapt to their mutations.

All I need to write just one novel is two hours a day over six weeks for each draft, that’s all and I can’t even do that in this environment.

The irony is, I lived in a violent family where I was constantly stressed in London when I lived with my parents; but it was quiet a lot of the time and I always knew at specific times without a shadow of a doubt that things will definitely be quiet, because my family were creatures of habits and they didn’t like going outside of their routine.  So I always planned my writing around them.

For example, my mother would be out of the house between 10am and 1pm at least 3 days a week without me, which was writing time.  Then I knew she was addicted to her soaps on TV for 4 evenings a week, meaning that between 7pm and 9pm I was free to write again.

If I was lucky she’d want to watch a movie at 9pm till 11pm that I wouldn’t be interested in and that meant more writing could get done.

Which meant for me that I was writing an average of two to eight hours per day when I lived in London, compared to twenty minute snatches of time, now!

There is no routine in this house that is stable and it kind of drives me insane.

No TV schedules for other members of the household, no going out at regular intervals, it is all up in the air and uncertain all of the time! 

The only thing I can guarantee on (if Henry isn’t sick) is that on a Tuesday evening every two weeks Henry will go to a charity for young carers for three hours after school.  Young carers deal with much more than just children who care for their parents, they deal with kids in poverty who have experienced being around a lot of people who are disabled or sick and are helping them to learn how to cope mentally with that.  Henry specifically has experienced a lot of death in the family since he was very small and it is taking its toll on him.

What bothers me is there are so many other new stories I want to write as well and it is driving me bonkers – I just want two hours a day and apparently that is too much to ask for!

My attention span has always been really bad – but since living in this chaos it is nearly unmanageable.  I can write posts for my blog, because if I lose my flow it won’t be as damaging as when I am writing a novel.  If you get me?

This is probably why some of my posts seem to be all over the place and repetitive, because I am interrupted a lot.

My best posts are usually written when people are in bed.

I am getting so emotionally drained by all of this tension that I am not reading as much as I used to, I am falling asleep watching YouTube in bed and all sorts of places.

As my spirits have been trying to tell me, caterpillar you need to sleep as much as you can because soon you are going to transform into a butterfly and you need all the energy you can get to fly!

Anyway, thanks for reading!

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Filed under About Me