There are some biting comments in DMs on twitter and other places I get regularly about my quantity of work; yes, my blog is not as active as it should be, but no, I am writing a lot more than I admit to you all!
One of the biggest things that is asked in DM is “why are you not published yet”? My answer is – personal choice.
Once in 2003 I felt I wanted to get published but because of personal reasons, I refused to go ahead with it, when lo and behold a miracle happened, my first ever attempt at publication was accepted!
I still believe to this day it is a fluke!
I turned it down purely because my mother was salivating over the proposed advance and had already spent my money in her head – I was still very much submissive to my mother back then and I knew that only a small margin of any money I gained would be mine.
My mother tried to force me to take the opportunity but I feigned losing the letter and forgetting which company I contacted, she believed me.
Since leaving my mother to live with Paul in 2009 I had wondered when I will be ready to do so again. The reasons up until now is purely fear, because although I want the work published as books and potentially made into a movie, the idea of becoming famous is very unappealing. I know most writers don’t have a lot of glitz and glamour and huge fame, but I reckon it would be sods law that I’d be popular – and I am easily lead into things by good and supportive friends.
I am terrified of privacy invasion, I am prone to panic attacks and I do not like surprises and I do not generally like strangers unless I have someone with me on first contact.
Ironically it is not social phobia, I am actually afraid of myself – for two reasons, I am afraid that I am quite co-dependent and get talked into things whether comfortable with it or not; another reason is that I can sometimes become attacked verbally by people because they think I am being ignorant with them, but in fact I am profoundly deaf and rely on lip reading or people remaining on my left side, to hear them.
Another reason I am not published is because I haven’t sent anything off since 2003 and not only this but because I am deaf and poor at the same time, I have not got a telephone which is OK for me to use and phone conversations I heard are quite common in this industry. Nobody has bothered to educate me about what is available, FREE for someone like me, so I have no idea what my options are!
All I do know is that on my previous hearing assessment, I was surprised to learn that my hearing levels are so low, that I am eligible for a dog for the deaf if I want one!
My biggest fear other than fame is disappointing people I will work with by my inaccessibility to talk with them on a 121 level and my inability to travel due to health.
Paul gets his navy pension next autumn; this will mean he will be able to afford technology for me to become independent in communications. This is one of the major reasons why I will not be approaching publishers until autumn 2022.
During this waiting time, I plan to finish six books to final draft quality; this is more doable than you can imagine for me. There is potential for more finished drafts too, but I am being realistic for now.
In a few days I will post just for my naysayers photographs of all of my files, ring binders, envelopes and notebooks, so you can see how much work has already been done over the years! Because there are a very tiny handful of people who don’t believe I work towards any novel at all and that it is all a lie!
I am determined to prove to you how much I have done, this is giving Paul a massive headache, because it is going to mean that the equivalent of 8ft by 3ft of papers are going to be collected for a photoshoot! I am not exaggerating by the scale, either; I have been writing novels since I was ten years old! I have kept at least half of them, the others were burned in a bonfire when I lost heart aged twenty one, when I was for the first time ever suicidal!
Happy reading all!