Tag Archives: picture

Weight issues explained

I am still going through the process of trying to define myself and I am not doing so with confidence, in fact, I feel like I am dragging myself along in a clueless manner and I am frightened of embarrassing myself, but I am trying to overcome that fear!

One of the major things is my self-image, how I look; because in my mind I am hideous!

I feel that my eyes are too squinty when I smile and I am embarrassed by that and that makes me feel a huge pang of guilt, because my eyes are an inheritance of my Singaporean and Vietnamese ancestors.  Henry has also inherited these eyes.

I have always been bullied for my squinty eyes or my cunning, sly looking eyes and I have always been called a snake in the grass etc, before a person even knows me – because a lot of peoples first impressions are – those eyes look untrustworthy as they seem too stereotypical of those characters of cunning and sneakiness.

Even my own mother has hated my eyes for apparently having this ulterior motive undertone to them and she has often called me a sneaky girl because of it.  Primarily because she knows it hurts, as people at school often point out my eyes and call them weird.

I love the colour of my eyes, but not the shape, I am very proud of having the almost rare green eyed gene.

Another thing I hate is my general face shape; it is an inverted triangle, one of the worst shapes in the world in my opinion, because no matter what your weight is, you will always have a fatter looking face!

I have never really got the hang of shaping my eyebrows either – I have never really had any feminine role-models to personally help me hone my self-preening skills.  They have only been the people I could find with a similar face shape on YouTube, but no one to really guide me on a one to one personal level and I don’t feel confident enough to approach professionals, especially with my more than limited budget.

To make matters worse, I am suffering from malnutrition due to a digestive problem I have and this is starting to cause alopecia – which I am getting very self-conscious about.  This digestive problem is making me lose a lot of weight and is making me eat only eight hundred calories a day on average, a good day I will eat as much as eighteen hundred calories in a day – this has meant in the past six months I am losing an average of two or three pounds a week!

Because of the weight loss and lack of money, I am struggling to buy clothes that look half decent on me, I have got used to wearing over-sized stuff, because I just can’t budget new clothes anymore!

I look a mess and so I have been dawdling about updating my latest profile pic, due to all of these embarrassing factors that are happening in my life!

I have also tried my best to use YouTube tips in putting make up on for the picture update – but I think I look like a clown!

So many people are curious as to what I look like now and I will show you two pictures!  The first picture is of me in 2018 and the next picture is of me today (or rather when this post was written – 11th June 2022)!

I was sick in bed with this pic – no make up on and this was in early 2018.
This is a tired me on 11th June 2022, with maybe too much make up? I am sorry about the lighting, but it took me 45 minutes to get this done – all kinds of posing and reapplying make up – but the light was just not right… I will try again later on in the year to get a better quality picture done! I had no help and I know, the make up is just TOO MUCH! Though, not around the eyes so much, because, my eyes were genuinely puffy and tired when I took this, not to mention hay fever!

In the 2018 picture, there is a large mark on my face which has now gone completely, it was a skin cancer scare – a scare, because it wasn’t that at all, but a wart, lol, its gone now! I found out by accident when I starting to clean my face with aloe vera and witch hazel daily, it faded within six weeks!

It’s likely I will lose another forty pounds between now and the emergency consultant assessment date.

Though its worrying Paul, I am taking advantage of it whilst I can by trying to make myself exercise and tone up the excessive skin I am getting because of it – because let’s tell the truth, I was obese in 2018 – I am thankful for that, because imagine what I would look like now if this happened and I wasn’t!

What makes matters worse is I have a history of eating disorders that the doctors are aware of, which makes them feel it could be self-inflicted again.

When I am sad and miserable, I don’t eat (and go into anorexia and bulimia quite easily).

When I am angry or stressed and under pressure I compulsively eat and occasionally become bulimic.

When life is OK or I am happy – I eat regularly but I nibble rather than eat good sized meals.

I also have a history of having aggressive feeder abusers, which made me obese – as well as my mother having the attitude of eat this or starve mentality with me to the extreme, basically if I refused to eat what she gave me, no matter what it was or how regular she was feeding me, she would then cut out food for the next day or make access to food difficult.   What I mean is, if I didn’t finish everything on the plate, she would think that the next day I wouldn’t want anything either, sometimes mealtimes were timed, this meant I ate fast! This meant that my body had an unstable dietary schedule, which meant anything I did eat turned instantly to fat because it never knew when I would be made to starve again.

This stabilised for the first time in my life since living with Paul.  I was also struggling to eat less calories than I was used to, when I used to be athletic and active.  I needed an average of 3k calories a day sometimes 4.5k calories, otherwise I would black out due to not eating enough fuel.  When I became sick and could no longer exercise the weight started to pile on again, though I was away from my mother’s influence and I had to relearn how to eat normal portions whilst becoming involuntarily sedentary due to sickness.

Thankfully living with Paul I was able to eat at my normal speed, which is actually very, very slow!  I am always the last at the table to finish a meal! 

When I ran away from my mother the last time in 2009 I was 305llbs in weight at 5ft 8!

When I broke from my mother entirely in 2013 I had exercised and dieted down to 190llbs at 5ft 8 and generally looked muscular and slightly chubby, but nothing near how I was!

In winter of 2014 I got badly sick with a chest infection that never really healed fully and other ailments came on, I started the steady process of gaining weight due to becoming sedentary.

By 2018 I became 258llbs due to becoming sedentary because of illness, but never eating any more than 2100 calories in one day.

Now I eat an average of 800 calories and twice a week 1500 calories and I am losing a steady 1 to 3 pound a week in weight, still sedentary due to sickness! 

Paul is worried, but I understand from a medical point of view, it is also necessary though concerning.

The features I am most proud of are my eye colour and the fact that I have an unusually tiny waist, even for someone who is considered big!  I also have strong looking legs that go all the way up!  Some rude people call them hockey legs, but most men I have dated in the past reckon that my legs are one of my best features as well as my waist.

I have an hourglass shaped body.

I am not confident yet to show a full length picture, but I am working on getting this done by Christmas – when I would have no doubt lost a lot more weight due to sickness.

I am not deliberately starving myself – I just can’t physically eat more than half a sandwich worth of food without pain more than three times a day anymore and I don’t mean to make you all feel sick – but I can’t keep it down if I push more than that down myself.

I had to remove some cousins from my social media a few weeks ago who insinuated that it is bull-shit that I have an illness and this is happening to me, because in their opinion I must have had a secret bariatric surgery or something, because it shows all the signs – but no, I haven’t!

Unless I was kidnapped by body conscious aliens and had it done in my sleep one night, which I somehow doubt!

These are the main health concerns I am having recently, along with my neurological problems and my breathing issues which seem to hinting at COPD and MS, but we’re not clear yet to be honest!

So here are the photos below… enjoy… or not… but please keep negative comments to yourself!

Though make up tips would be a huge help!

Thanks for reading!

P.S Sorry for the nightmares!

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

Inktober 2018 – Day 3

The monster – Frankie

 

Here’s Frankie, Frankenstein’s monster, the groom to the bride I did yesterday, it is a late post because today is my birthday and I very nearly forgot to do something for Inktober today!

What did you do for the 3rd day of Inktober?

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Arts & Crafts

Inktober day 2 – The Bride!

The Bride!

 

Inktober day 2 – The Bride of Frankenstein’s monster!

Colours used, black Indian ink, apple green, scarlet mixed with white and sunshine yellow for skin tone watered down, white, metallic-silver-aluminium for the bolts.

I was quite surprised at how I got the skin tone just right, I didn’t want her to look pale and pasty or green, I wanted her to look like the blood is actually flowing in her and that she is more of a success than the monster, because it would be Dr Frankenstein’s second attempt at replicating human life and as we all know – you get better with practise!

As a fan of horror I just had to do this scream queen, she’s a beauty and tomorrow I might plan to do her beast, “The Monster” himself. 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Arts & Crafts

The man in the picture by Susan Hill

The man in the picture by Susan Hill

As a lover of anything to do with carnivals, masquerades, festivals, harlequins and circus’s as well as plunging into the depths of horror stories and movies, I found this novel absolute pleasure. Never before had I ever read a whole novel in one sitting, taking just 90 minutes, I was heavily pregnant with my first born son and it was just after 1am when I started, I thought I would only read a few pages before falling asleep, but I couldn’t, I just could not put the book down, it was like I was under some kind of spell.
It is an addictive read, I want more books of this kind and I have found myself looking subconsciously for stories of a similar theme over the past five years, never finding anything as compelling or as long as this masterpiece and I must say that is disappointing.
I both love and hate books that compel me so.
At first glance it would seem familiar in a Dorian Grey kind of way, but it isn’t – it is like a ghost story, but that’s not quite right either, the plot is simple, but fantastic. I am surprised it isn’t more widely known; I am surprised that Susan Hill fans have never made much of a scene of this novel as they have with “I’m the king of the castle” or “The woman in black”, but then that is hardly surprising as I rarely see this book on shelves in libraries or stores.
I think it should someday become known as a classic horror story, though its elusiveness to the public may be a detriment for that to become so.

Leave a comment

Filed under Reviews

A writer’s thoughts

I have read somewhere in the past, that you are what you read and I believe that. The more I read the more defined my tastes have become, my skills, my genre leanings and this influences my writing and art.
With each good book I learn how I want to write and what I want to write about.
With each bad book I read, I learn how I do not want to write and what I dislike.
I do not believe that as a writer you must write things outside of your comfort zone, I believe you should be comfortable with what you are writing – although on an emotional matter, that’s quite different. You must write outside of your emotional comfort zone if you wish to write fear, pain and heartbreak effectively, unfortunately that means opening up your old wounds.
A lot of the time, I like to write about horror, trauma etc. and each time I do, I open up real and old wounds, this is why I often become quiet as a writer and have prolonged periods of not writing, whilst I emotionally recuperate.
I was once told that writers and artists generally go mad after a time and I believe it, we send ourselves mad for our art and stories because we are constantly reliving the horrors of our past for your entertainment and as a collective, we seldom are known or recognized for it.
I am not moaning about my lack of recognition as a writer and artist, because personally I think that’s my own fault. I think I am generally a lazy person and have not bothered to find myself a publisher or to advertise my work very much over the years at all. On the one occasion I did contact a publisher to see whether or not they liked an idea of mine, I was lucky enough to get a letter back within three weeks, but this terrified me, because they loved what I sent them and praised me highly for it; I never contacted them again, I was worried about becoming famous and at the time I was young and didn’t know about pseudonyms.
These days I am more prepared for whatever life throws at me because I will be totally blatant about what I can and cannot do and what I will and will not allow.
Other than twitter, my blog and magazines are there any other steps I should take to get myself known?
Please comment below.

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me, About my work

Watercolor mermaid 1st attempt

1st attempt at watercolor mermaid scene

1st attempt at watercolor mermaid scene

 

For the last 6 months I have attempted to teach myself art, sketching and painting particularly with watercolors.
The image that you see is my first ever attempt at creating a watercolor mermaid under the sea scene and my first ever attempt at under-painting a picture.
This image is unfinished and I am afraid to say it will stay that way because I mixed the shades of colors that are used on the paper and my fiance Paul knocked over the palette when getting it for me and it was all lost and I am very reluctant to attempt to try making more of the same shades of color as I don’t want to completely ruin this picture.
There are some blemishes to the image, for example the mark of yellow on her left inside elbow amongst other things, but I cannot repair these without severely impacting on the color scheme, as I cannot guarantee I can mix the same shades again.
I am a self-taught artist that have only really been practicing twice a month any kind of art-work for about a year now, as I mentioned before my attempt at watercolors started about six months ago.
In my personal opinion, starting to teach yourself artwork, particularly sketching/drawing shouldn’t really start at how-to-draw books, because that never worked for me, instead, trusting my own eye works better and reading books based on painting; that is of course if you eventually want to move onto painting your images.
I have been getting a lot of comments from my immediate family and friends that they believe I have a natural talent for art considering that I spend less than five hours a month practicing; personally I don’t see it, I see too many imperfections in my work and I cheat. For example, I have hidden one of the mermaid’s hands in this picture because I couldn’t make it look as good as her right hand and the paper was thinning with all the erasing I had to do.
I have a gallery at deviantart.com if you wish to see more pictures that I’ve done as well as my budding artist four year old son, Henry, some of his best work are up there, which reminds me that I must add his version of a toucan up later on.
http://ffgallery.deviantart.com/

Leave a comment

Filed under Arts & Crafts

Dragon pics Oct 17th 2013

Here’s another dragon picture I did last night.  If you want to see more of my art work just follow this link to my gallery.  http://ffgallery.deviantart.com/gallery/ doing art is something new to me, I only really started this hobby up a few months ago, but only seriously got into drawing every day for about two weeks now.  I must admit though, I’ve never had any training in art and I never practice, what I have in my galleries are usually my first attempts at everything and I have been told that I’ve had a hidden natural talent, but I don’t believe that I am any good.

But here you are, here’s another dragon… on DeviantArt my dragons seem popular.

my art work

my art work

Leave a comment

Filed under Arts & Crafts

My dragon & art

I drew this the other day

I drew this the other day

This is my attempt at drawing a dragon, it’s not 100% good because I am not an actual artist and I rarely practice drawing; in fact, I’ve only ever done about thirty pictures in the whole of my adult life, though many would dispute that I can draw like this given that fact.  Why?

Art is an innate talent in the family I was raised in and therefore I used to sit and watch many people draw, I am better at outlines than details.  I will be trying to do a lot more drawings in future because I am going insane with the images in my mind that I can’t put down on paper as accurately as I see them.  I want the world to see what’s in my mind as well as hear about it.  There’s fantastical landscapes I want to draw and many other things, unfortunately I am very unlucky in that all my best works have either been stolen, ripped up by angry people, had drinks spilled on them or accidentally left in the care of toddlers.  I am really angry about a piece of art I accomplished about twelve years ago, it was my personal project at a day center for home schooled kids, they specialized in art and creative writing and they let the kids choose what they do all the time, nothing structured and I worked on the same piece of art for six months, determined to make it look like  a black and white photograph; the picture was of Dracula’s castle (based on the supposed real castle) everyone commented how 3D it looked and in that whole time it was only about a third done, then I was put back into mainstream education without the chance in saying goodbye to the people and friends at the center or the opportunity to get my hands on all my hard-work, so it was left there unfinished.  I begged something rotten to get that piece of art, but Violet just wouldn’t give in, too far, don’t like Leila (the organizer of the center) etc.

Another example of lost art is I did a picture of Baphomet on the throne holding the world in one hand and a scepter in another, it was my attempt at a copy of an image at the back of a Nostradamus book, I was so proud but unfortunately my boyfriend at the time (a devout Catholic) got the wrong idea and got angry at me and ripped it up before my eyes and called me a witch, he shortly threw me out of his house after that.

Though the world craves for new talent in art, art isn’t still widely accepted as a talent, past time or job and that’s such a shame, it needs to change.

Leave a comment

Filed under Arts & Crafts

My Blogroll

Just found out what a blogroll can do (well four hours ago), so I’ve been fiddling around with mine all day, seriously, since 10am and the time is currently 14:14 ooh synchronization (spiritualists will like that).

I’ve added some links to my friend Erin Cooper’s artwork places, she’s all over the place right now and I had to e-mail her about a couple of places because she and I are so alike, she forgets username and passwords for some places, so I had to ask her if she remembered them before sending you to view them, because she tries to sell her stuff, bless her.

I also added one of my old and almost forgotten sites from DeviantArt, I am not very good at digital art, I am best with hand made stuff, but those are the things I knew how to put online, there’s a lot the world is missing out on.  I have to try and get back into the habit of doodling again.

Some of my stuff in regards to sketch art may look familiar to a lot of people because I tried to copy by eye some pictures that you can find in many “How-to draw” books, but I have in-cooperated those with either my own work or other copy by eyes to form an interesting picture.  My first ever attempt at a dragon on the DeviantArt page is the only example of this online.

You can see the picture by clicking the link below; personally I think it’s good, but I may have made the dragons chest look like it has a tumor or something, because it’s a little bloated looking in my opinion, I can see how I can thin it a bit, but I think I’ve lost the actual picture amongst my paper hoard.  Shock Horror!

My first ever dragon attempt

Leave a comment

Filed under Articles