Tag Archives: pain

New Desk update

The desk is set up now, but the chair is very uncomfortable and has been causing me pain since I have been using it the past week now.

I need to find a more comfortable chair to work in, because the pain in my lower back and hip is making it hard to concentrate.

I may resort to going back to the adjustable small laptop table and sofa again for a while, if things do not improve!

I have decided not to write until Thursday the 18th November, because for the past few days I have suffered from migraines, back and hip pain which has added to quite a severe bout of depression, so I need to step away from writing for a couple of days – or at least, writing on the new desk.

I know it sounds silly, but I think part of the depression and the migraines are due to my sudden and abrupt cold turkey to caffeine, since having a good dose of the stuff today the headaches have subsided quite a bit.

I have done hand notes in bed and I have been thinking about the adjustable table again, so I may go back to that, but tomorrow is very busy in this house anyway, so not much writing will get done purely because of that – hence the need for a couple of days off.

I should really take time off until after the weekend, because of a doctors appointment on Friday, but I don’t want to commit to that much time off – Paul thinks I am pushing myself too much, but then he always does!

I know I said I won’t be doing Nanowrimo but I have been updating the site and I have approximately 17k words so far, but it is not a first draft to a novel – well not a proper first draft, it is mostly just footnotes and ideas, so I guess that’s cheating to some – but for me these are pre-first drafts!

No, I am not writing an epic! I have 17k words of alternative ideas, I have been trying to decide which direction I prefer before I commit to writing the story from beginning to end. Last night I surprise myself with a new alternative and I like this alternative very much and Paul is excited by this idea and that’s saying something!

Happy reading all!

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The death of a heart

I am turning blue with the death of my heart

Love and tranquillity is soon to depart

Numbness crawls over my soul and my flesh

Pain is the only thing I have left

This song is a song of tears, but in vain

For I have become overcome with pain

Tragedy is the sweet song of success

Of a life lived in evil and chaos and stress

Darkness has always been a friend dear

Envelopes me with kindness as it shields me from fear

I lack a good heart, a mind and a soul

For sin has now taken its toll

My heart is dead, my emotions are gone

I am finding it hard to keep on

There’s no warmth in this place for me

I have forgotten its feeling, forgotten glee

Don’t cry for my heart nor for my soul

I had it coming; sin has taken its toll

I sit in the darkness surrounded by friends

Who all feel the same, who are all near the end

The end of their heart, not in their life

The end of feeling all things including strife

Maybe it is better this way for us all?

To not feel a thing, to become numb to all?

So quickly this can happen, when little things do

So quickly the death of a heart will ensue

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I am the devil

I know what I am

I am the devil

I am man

I lived on Earth and it I ran

It fell apart

I broke your heart

I caused you pain

Made you insane

Now you have to, start again

I am the devil

Your bane

I broke your heart

Drove you insane

And I will always

Do it again

Until you have me

Home again

If you want peace on earth

Bring me home

Back to heaven

I’m so alone

I won’t stop

Till I’m at your throne

Kneeling down

On the dais stone

Before your feet

I need your sweet

Hand to touch me

And I need

To come on home

Kneeling down

Before your throne

I need heaven

My home again

Bring on back

Your wicked men

So that we

Can love again

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Revenge of the ice Queen

There is winter in my heart

Losing you has left my heart cold

I am iced through to the soul

You have betrayed me and I will scold

Frost bite your being, right to the core

I will leave your heart raw

As you did mine

And my revenge will be divine

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I try to (for Henry’s sake)

Although I seem to rot away

I try to stay so bright and gay

To help your miseries stay away

I hope that someday pain will allay

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The beast of vengeance is hungry

There is a tempest building within my heart

A contempt that’s deep and true

As I keep remembering the hurt and pain caused by you

I sit and bitterly design a way for me to forget

That I ever set eyes and knew you, but vengeance is whet

I try to be a better person, not to become like you at all

But it is hard when you cut me deep and your lies are so cruel

I don’t want more pain as payment for mine

But the more you hurt me, the more my inner beast wishes to dine

Upon your heart, upon your soul, upon everything about you, gobble you whole

It drives me mad, I am insane, but then again, that was always your game

You meant to do this to me, I know

I don’t know why it was here, you wanted me to go

What was your plan for me all those years ago?

Was it really so bad to be a good soul?

You have driven me mad and to tears, a suffering that will last for many more years

But you are relentless, you won’t let go

All I want, is for them to know

But they think I lie and the truth they will never know

Because you will always make it so

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Life is sometimes…

My life, sore as it may be, is still a blessing to me

There are things I don’t often see, happy things, miracles and a certain ease

I try not to be blind for the things I have

I try not to be ungrateful

I know that life could be much worse, it is sometimes inescapable

But I count my blessings as often as I can

So I can make a stand and say

It isn’t always this way

There are happy days and there are sad

There are good days and there are bad

But one thing that we can always be sure of

Is that life is changeable and we all know this – sort of

So when times are hard and difficult – remember it will also change

That life will lighten up and the suffering will ease and good times you will gain

But remember too that goodness, will also fade away

Be prepared for the bad times, as they sometimes come to play

But live for the moment is the most important of all

Something you don’t learn at school

So when you’re down and thinking silly things

Remember this message and let your heart sing

That times won’t always be bright and gay, but times aren’t always shades of grey

You will someday, find your peace, be happy again and pain will cease

Trust me, all things eventually decrease

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Be silent, be silent

 

Be silent, be silent you drive me mad

Says my enemies to me in their mind that’s bad

Be quiet, be quiet they shout and plea

In their minds every day, directed at me

Yet I still talk, I still move on

I still continue because I grow strong

I won’t quit and I won’t stop

Not until their minds go POP!

Until they realise it isn’t me

It is their selves the silly things

They focused on me so much they ache

And so a spell they do create

Against me, their obsession and they can’t see

That the one who tortures them isn’t me

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Painkiller for my very soul

I am not wallowing in pity each and everyday

My poems of woes and misery are things that ease the way

It’s a painkiller for my very soul

I need to write, even if it’s dull

It helps to cure the pain

When I write my songs of misery, it may seem like it’s about you

But it is about events that happened long ago, it’s true

You should not sit there thinking, this is one is about me I’m sure

Because then you only open up wounds and make your heart go sore

You don’t know what my poems mean; you don’t know who they are about

So don’t sit there thinking you know what’s going on, when in fact you don’t know my clout

The world in my poems isn’t about you, so stay out

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A freedom not suicide poem

You deny me of health

You deny me of wealth

You deny me of friendship and love and games

You deny me of faith, you deny me of hope

You deny me of living and you drive me insane

That’s why I left you

That’s why I am gone

That’s why you won’t see me from hereon

That’s why I rant and that’s why I rave

You denied me of life, the things that I craved

So now I have gone, I will piece things together

I will find my hope, faith, love and more

I will carry on, night and day

And I don’t care if your heart is so sore

For I am through with living for you and I live for you no more!

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