Tag Archives: Occult

January 12, 2023 · 16:16

Art project for tarot

Over the next few days I am drawing up a plan for a relatively big art project, an art project I am hoping to put out into the market to sell; the project is creating my own deck of tarot cards!

It is something I have always wanted to do, but until recently I have had little confidence in both my ability to read the tarot without referencing to books and even less confidence in my artwork.

I am now a little bit better off where I can afford to replace art supplies again as I use them, so there are no more excuses in me not doing art anymore.

There is only one true thing against me and my art now that is doing the art in a stress free environment away from the icy cold.  My art table is used for other means most of the time and so it is a fight to get the space used for what it should be and I can’t move it to a warmer location because it is currently being used as a dining table in order to make room in the house.

The art table was also my jigsaw puzzle table, needless to say I haven’t touched a jigsaw in nearly three years and you’ve guessed why by now haven’t you?

So, being as my art table is being used, I have to try and consider doing art elsewhere… the only other option is to use my adjustable laptop table in the bedroom, but then that risks getting ink and paint on the bedclothes and the table rocks a lot whenever I tap on it, which could ruin the art consistently.

My other option would be to sit on the floor and place a dragon box between my legs whilst my Pooh board balances on the top of it and I cover the board with cling film so I don’t ruin the art of my Pooh board.

What is my Pooh board, you may ask? 

It’s a board with Pooh on it – Winnie-The-Pooh, I once had this board downstairs and Henry was around 3yrs old and drew a scribble on the board, or so Paul thought it was a scribble – I looked at it and I said – OMG IT’S AMAZING LOOK WHAT HE’S DRAWN PAUL!  Paul nodded and smirked and I said, can you see what he has drawn?  No, he said.  I said, look, there is a snout here see?  And an eye… to me this is the very head of Winnie-The-Pooh!  Oh yeah said Paul vaguely… I am still not sure he saw it.  But after a few months went by I decided I was going to thicken the outline with a sharpie, exact to the lines Henry made and then Paul saw it!

This board was shunted around the house without any real value or meaning, never to this day did I know why we kept it, but it became useful when I became sick around a year later – because it became my sandwich board!

Meaning, as I was too sick sometimes to leave the bedroom to eat, I would rest my plate usually sandwiches or a bowl of soup on the board whilst I sat in bed and I ate alone.  Over a time this board developed more and more pictures as in the boredom of being mostly bedbound I started to draw all kinds of various images/crap on it.

Some aspects of it positively scream street art or graffiti, other aspects old style cartoons and yes, some occult images too and affirmations.

Paul told me, one day, when I sell my book and people hear or even see this board, they’d want to buy it!  I should frame the board in a manner it can be framed double sided, so you can choose which side you want it on the wall.  I said nobody will be interested in my sandwich board!

He said nobody will see it as your sandwich board; they’ll see it as art – put it up online for sale and see what I mean! 

I AM NOT SELLING MY SANDWICH BOARD!

He told me if I died he would!

So yeah, that’s what I am doing over the next few days, planning the art I want to do for each tarot card, then it will take me one day per picture to create on average, maybe three depends on what medium I intend to use – I think I intend to use ink personally.  So there are usually 78 cards to a tarot deck, this means that the project should be finished around 90 to 100 days after I start the plans. 

So I am going to presume that it will take me two days a picture which gives me an estimated time frame of the finished product being around the 1st August to the end of August 2023.

This is achievable if my work is done at my usual pace of 3 to 7 hours per picture every two days.  Really the 1st August is 201 days away from now – and I only really need 156 days to do it, but I know I procrastinate and have sick days so I’ve made allowances for that and a couple of down and out failures and restarts as well as artistic lethargy! 

Thing is, I want to do more than one deck in the future, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

Let’s do one deck first and let’s see!

The art for the tarot will be used to sell prints, pins and stickers as well as a bunch of other items and I plan to sell them via square space.  I also plan to start a paid subscription service here on my blog where my users will get a huge discount voucher and a bunch of other stuff. 

Yes a paid subscription for extra material is coming up sometime in the future, not sure when I am trying to figure all the technical stuff out first and I am procrastinating because technology outside of games is just boring to me!

So yes, that’s what I am up to now.

Thanks for reading! 

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November 12, 2022 · 22:48

Top 10 beliefs & superstitions

Top 10 favourite beliefs, spiritual stuff and traditions!

Top 10 traditions I have

Decorating the Christmas tree on December 1st (as in UK we don’t have Thanksgiving)

Cinnamon French toast & plum compote for breakfast on Christmas morning

Decorating the house for Easter & having an Easter tree

Because I am multi-faith I do acknowledge small aspects of the Jewish Sabbath, not much but there are things I do on Friday nights if nothing gets in my way! Paul doesn’t like a lot of it he is completely faithless; Henry likes it, but if Paul doesn’t like it we don’t do it. I like to light a candle and acknowledge the sabbath in prayer, but that’s all I can do here and usually in the bedroom not at the dining table where its supposed to be! Two years ago Henry and I was seriously thinking about going back to the old family faith entirely, but we didn’t have the support from his dad. My friend Lizzy who is quite Frum in the Jewish community was thrilled and supportive. In fact its because of this, that Henry and Paul’s relationship has suffered, because Henry really wanted to go to the synagogue and learn more and he is upset he won’t be getting a bar mitzvah in May 2023 when he will be 13! -I know it sounds counter to the belief, but visions and spiritual guidance has improved a lot since deciding about exploring my Jewish ancestry.

On New Year’s Eve, you should clean the house as much as possible, open all the windows and doors as close to Midnight as possible and sweep the old year out of every door you can and sweep in the new year – if you are partying that night, don’t worry, do it first thing in the morning! 

Dressing up on Halloween and giving candy to Trick or Treaters – or if I am lucky and able to go to or have a special Halloween party! 

A special family meal on all Equinoxes and Solstices!

Sprinkling magic dust for the reindeer on Christmas Eve with Henry on the path of the house and putting up the magic key for Santa to get indoors and hanging it on the wreath of the door!

Putting a silver coin in the Christmas pudding for extra luck for the lucky person who finds it Christmas day!

Prayers to the full moon about what you need in the coming month with a silver coin in hand flip it 3 times and spin 3 times.

Top 10 superstitions I have

As a woman I shouldn’t pick up a dropped or crossed knife (it’s an old Romany belief)

Shouldn’t cut a person’s hair if they are sick and when you cut your hair it should be buried or burned!

You must always leave a food or drink offering to house spirits before you go to bed, in a specific place in the kitchen for them!

My grandma always told me to stick a knife or a piece of sharp wood under the cradle of all babies to protect them from Lilith – not sure if this is a Jewish belief or not, but it’s in my family!  Henry still has his sharp wood under his bed, I don’t let go!  Lol

If you are having a period of bad luck in your life, bathe in sea salt water in the bath, get out the bath, dry yourself off and before you do anything get your clear quartz crystal and circle yourself, do this for 3 days.

Black cats and the number 13 ARE VERY LUCKY POSITIVE symbols to me and my family, not the normal beliefs others have!

I can’t identify yellow chrysanthemums but when I find out that someone has bought them into the house and told me what they were, I get upset because in family tradition, those flowers denote death and mourning and if nobody has died, they’ve no right to be inside your house!

A robin visiting the window or coming too near me in the garden means that my ancestors need me to talk to them and so I should go and meditate at my earliest convenience.

Don’t talk ill of the dead.

Don’t go out of your way to contact the dead, it’s disrespectful you can talk to them if you like – but don’t actively disturb them!  I am clairvoyant, but I don’t force communication!

Top 10 spiritual things I do or believe

I believe in the God of the Old Testament and no presumed messiah, yet; but I also ask for advice from angels, spirit guides and animal guides or my higher self that looks like prayer but isn’t – totally different ball game!

Though I consider myself mostly a believer in the Old Testament, I do believe in some aspects of revelations in the New Testament, primarily because of my upbringing – but also because of unexplained visions and dreams which have come true over the years and I continue to get these visions at times and I am too shy to talk in depths about them!

My family believe they are descendants from all sorts of things – Vietnamese ancestors believe they’re dragon shapeshifters – my Irish ancestors believe we’re descended from the tuatha de danann, fairies and Celtic Gods, part of my Greek ancestry believe we are descended from Dionysus, the Romans believed they were Sons of Mars and my grandma said we’re related as distant cousins to the families Vakarelski (I have found this to be true on Genesreunited) who were accused of vampirism and are also cousins to Vlad Tepes the III!  As well as many Salem Witches and Aleister Crowley – phew, so I definitely believe I have magical blood.  Especially as my grandma told me that I have green eyes which instantly strengthens all magical powers tenfold!  Along with this whenever I get angry, power cuts occur or electrical appliances die!  Paul never believed me until he witnessed my first fury living with him!

I believe in the healing energy of the earth – I like to walk barefoot in the garden to soak up the energy, when I don’t do this for a while I get sick.

I believe in crystal healing magic.

I believe animals can and do communicate with people, only most people are not attuned to hear them or bother understanding them and their ways!

I believe you need to be careful at whatever you say, you can’t be flippant in your words as what you say has a way in actually manifesting – so choosing your words carefully is vitally important.  Because the more energy you put into your words, especially if it’s a heightened energy like anger, because it will work faster and hit you on the nose later on!  Consistency in thought word and deed is essential!

I believe dreamtime is every bit as real as the awakened world and that you can shift realities after a while of practising and trusting things.

I believe in the balance, to be totally for dark and totally for the light is bad – you need both or everything will be destroyed!

I believe everything is interconnected to everything else, you can’t exist as a lone entity and so what you do and say is important, not just for yourself, but others.  You need to be mindful in your life, not do things constantly for selfish reasons as what you do and say can affect many people around you – it’s like a butterfly effect.

Top 10 faiths I have enjoyed learning about and practised in the past and present, present is indicated with *

Judaism *

The Kabbalah (a Jewish mysticism) *

Native American shamanism  *

Nordic shamanism

Romany witchcraft *

Buddhism philosophy, though not lifestyle yet

Taoism *

Sikhism

I will confess I learned a lot in the dark side of the occult in my youth and it made me research harder than anything and bought me back to basics and learning a lot more than I would had I of just stayed influenced by the J-witness movement my mum got me involved in!  Long and arduous path, but it made everything I was taught by religion more sense!  Basically the darkness taught me how to see the rainbow and appreciate the light and balance!  Ultimately, it taught me that there is nothing to fear spiritually, all things I must fear are within humanity and other people, not spirits. 

Mormonism – they accept people like me who are seers and clairvoyants.

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November 9, 2022 · 14:22

I won’t judge them!

There are a lot of people I miss from my past.

A lot of holes in my heart that hasn’t been filled by the loss of those people who were once in my life and some of them are dead now and some of them won’t talk to me because of their loyalties to others who have harmed me and so; they are not part of my life anymore.

Even the best of them had a lot of problems that the average Joe couldn’t cope with, but I didn’t mind them as they were the lesser evils in my life.  I know it sounds bad to call them that, but if you had known what I was up against day to day you’d have a hard time believing that some of the people I miss were the good ones, but to me, they were the best!

To me they were brilliant, vibrant, they made me happy and they kept my confidence from reaching rock bottom.

So what if they had problems with their anger, drink, drugs, crime, so what if they were benefit scroungers, scarred, societal oddballs that had dubious leanings to the occult or were overzealous bible punchers.  They were nice people to me and I loved them.

Even if sometimes I would be scared to visit them because their husband is home for once and drunk at the time and I never knew if I would need to stick around for her sake, just in case an ambulance was needed.  Even if I knew that they themselves were drunk and would go on their vicious rants about other people I loved and would then start becoming weird with me, I knew they weren’t always like that and I forgave them because their lives were in some ways just as horrible as my own, if not more so.

To be honest, I think it was only a small margin of people in my life who weren’t addicted to something or another or didn’t have some kind of serious mental issue about them.  To me, I am easily hurt in honouring them – what I mean is, I see people don’t forgive people like those easily.  People don’t really support people like them unless they’ve been there themselves or loved someone who have been.

So it drives me around the twist when I see a lovely person like these people, striving hard against all the odds to become a sober person and someone bad from their past comes along to upset the cart or people who don’t understand or know them judge them harshly for their pasts where the poor buggers are sitting there wondering is there any point at all in being sober if I am constantly going to be judged all the time?

 Is it any wonder they think that at all?  I mean, why do people judge others for their past?  The past is gone, praise them for their efforts now, never wield it as a weapon against them by suggesting that they need you, because oh you know, you’d go back to that way of life without me.  That is blackmail and I have a hard time sitting around hearing that kind of vomit coming out of people’s mouths. 

I have lost people I love to this, suicide because why did they bother?  Murdered because their past friends snuck an injection into their arms when they weren’t looking at a party for an old time’s sake! 

I’ve seen it all and I don’t like it.

I don’t like how people judge them.

It breaks my heart because all I can see are their floods of tears and their war wounds, still fighting hard against all the odds, and yet society wants to kick them down again – because they think that once you’re in that type of life, you always belong there and it isn’t true!

Society needs to change; they need to praise them when they try to get sober.  Not kick them in the gutter because they tried to get a job and you’re judging them because they were honest with you about their past and why it took them so long to make the decision to have that career now!

I am disgusted at the law for locking addicts away into prisons making them criminals, when in fact most of them are actually very good law abiding citizens who only use their addictions as a means to cope with life’s hurdles.

Instead there should be recuperation centres or something, but not a prison.

Why am I talking about all of this today? 

Because I miss a lot of people who have or had had that kind of life, I miss them a lot and I worry about them every day, I love them all a lot and I bet they think I don’t even think of them anymore – but I do!

My family run rife with drunks and junkies, some are law abiding but there are a couple who are out and out criminals, I won’t hide that.

To think I escaped that kind of life, people think it’s a miracle – but I don’t because you know… I see how addiction works, I understand it, I was raised to see it in every possible personality type you can think of.  I did in fact become drunk for a small while in my youth because it made me human or so my mum and brother told me… here have another drink before you dry out and become like an old prune again Tee.

When I was drunk I was hysterical, I mean scared hysterical, not laughing at all – paranoid that the walls are falling around me, where is the floor?  Scary stuff!

My family observed me through morphine when I was recovering from mastoid surgery; they knew what type of addict I would have been based on my behaviour during that time so they said – though it was small doses for two weeks. 

Their observations scared me.  According to them, I tend to be the type to love the world, be in awe of everything that’s beautiful, be easy going, do anything to me and I would do anything to myself sort.  My brother freaked out, this is the type that is going to die on this stuff mum – make sure to keep her away from it!

They told me what I was like when I had it, it was enough to keep me away.  They judged I’d be easy to bed, easy to anything and way too honest with people – a no, no in the family, I’d be a spill the beans and everything else on the floor type, my tongue is loose on those things, so they say. 

I know on general anaesthetic it lasts longer on me too and although it’s kind of different people have also reported similar personality in me to the above observations.  Lover of the world, everything is beautiful, I love you and you and you, yeah you can touch me, yeah I will stick my hand in the BBQ and take the hot coal out for you with my bare hands… seriously, this has happened to me and nobody stopped me doing it either, because the stupid bitch will learn, won’t she?

Nope, that happened twice in my life and nearly a third time when Paul was with me! Up until recently I was naturally trusting because I was always hopeful in finding the best in people, gets worse or comes back when I am drowsy because of meds. I still do try not to lose my faith in people – some will say that’s my biggest fault.

My family didn’t stop me doing things just because I was recovering from surgery and still under some kind of anaesthetic influence, Paul has seen what they’ve done to me, you could ask him yourself if you like?  You have his email up there in the Email me tab.

Paul is sensible; on the two occasions I have lived with him and had been under the influence of anaesthetic he forces me to stay in bed for around 48 hours, it takes a time to leave me.  It’s weird, even the doctors are puzzled why it stays longer in me.

Gosh I miss some of these people.  I miss the console game parties they had, I miss the pub lunches once a month with them, I miss the dogs I had to babysit for them.  I miss the gardening we used to do together as we helped our elderly relatives maintain their gardens, all sorts of things.

I miss the cuddles as they tell me that “you’re going to be OK, you smart beautiful girl because you are amazing and strong and you don’t let people push you into crazy shit like this” they say as they hold up their joint to me.

There’s too many, that are gone.

But never ever feel that I will ever judge you because of your past, that’s not me.  I am not that kind of person! 

I love you for who you are now and who you are striving to be and I wish that you will grow stronger and ignore anybody who tells you that you can’t change – you can change, you’ve probably changed so much already, but NEVER EVER let anyone make you believe that you can’t do it without them!

Never!

I love you all and I send all the positive vibes your way to help you heal whatever wound you have whether you are an addict or not!

Thank you for reading!

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October 23, 2022 · 13:33

Who’s energy is this?

Having lived a life of semi-isolation pre-covid, because of life circumstances, I have not developed in a usual manner for other people in society.

My life has effectively been similar to that of a yogi.

Why do I say that? 

Because I have spent a lot of my life in social isolation because of one reason or another and I have always had reflective thoughts on everything that happens to me.  My memory is very good when things happen to me, because they seldom happen to me, if you get my drift?

Religion, philosophy and self-improvement has always been a way of life for me, indeed, it is a lifestyle of sorts.  I am always soul searching, I meditate often though not in the usual manner and I spend a lot of time inside of myself.

This has made me become described by many people as a sensitive and highly empathetic being.

I come from a very spiritual and somewhat occultist background with my grandmother’s gypsy and witch heritage, so I have learned to be open regarding everything and I have inherited my gypsy ancestral ability for clairvoyance.

Not only this but working with angels has always been a major part of my families indoctrination and so I have always worked with my spirit guides or guardian angels as it were on a very close one to one level to such a degree, I do not need to meditate to hear them, like most practitioners do.

Because of all of this, I have become a person to which friends rely on for messages.  Some friends of mine in the past and even my exes have become a little afraid of my abilities because it is my lifestyle.  I never push my beliefs on anyone, but people find it really hard when I am unsurprised by events that have happened in their lives.

Some are so afraid that they feel invaded and have left my life; others kind of try to abuse my ability and constantly try to get more answers to their questions to their lives.

Why am I sharing all of this?

Because I am finding myself socialising more online these days with new people and there are certain people I can feel want to say something “BIG” to me, but I sense they are afraid of rejection.  I think it is only one person; though I can sense seven who have similar intentions to this “main” energy I can feel.

I can tell there are seven new people who want to be a part of my life in a major way, in my opinion there is only the one that connects well to me and what’s so strange about it is, they haven’t made themselves known to me yet.  But my spirits have told me, they know everything that they can about me and it’s not just through my blog either!

This particular person who connects to me really well is definitely American, but there are four Americans amongst the seven.

This particular person is begging for a miracle because there are circumstances in his life, which indicate that they cannot do what a regular guy can do, he has a lot of responsibilities and he is afraid of getting me caught up in it all and becoming stressed.  He is deeply concerned for my mental health and stability.

He is afraid I will reject him, because he feels I am afraid of the challenges he brings with him.

He is afraid that I will feel emotionally neglected because he is a very busy, constantly on the go kind of guy and along with this, he is afraid he might physically exhaust me as well.

I sense a lot of people in his life know about me and is trying to support him through this awkward emotional time for him.

I feel he is afraid that I will not be impressed by him or that I may feel he is a narcissist in some way if he does what he instinctively feels he should, regarding me.

He is afraid that his lifestyle or certain associations within his lifestyle may emotionally harm me in some way.

He is also unsure how I cope with change and he really doesn’t want to stress me out with a huge upheaval, I definitely see him as very caring and nurturing.

He is also afraid that he might be overreacting about me, that maybe when things calm down a little in his life he may not think the way he does about me.  He worries that I have become discovered by him at a vulnerable time in his life – and it is a vulnerable time for him.

But what I can sense about this person is that we are so much in tune with each other.  We have the same needs almost and we are perfectly balanced in that, what he wants from me, I have the ability to be naturally that for him and vice versa – we really do not need to change much of ourselves to be part of each other’s lives.

I do feel that they have hugely underestimated my stamina and endurance, not physically, but emotionally.  Yes, I do feel physically their lifestyle will be very tiring for me for a while, but he has the ability to improve my stamina over time.  But emotionally, we’ll be OK, more than OK in fact.

He is very sensitive and he needs someone who can respect his boundaries and his choices and he is a very private and security oriented person.  Maybe he has been hurt a lot in the past or perhaps he is afraid of being taken advantage of or something along those lines…

I am really good at keeping things to myself, I dislike gossip and I am rather security conscious myself – though I do put myself out there a lot online, but depending on my circumstances I can tighten things up for the right person very quickly.

I can train dogs; dogs make me feel more secure… sorry for going off on a tangent there.

I feel our only issue, if we were to have a relationship with one another is that he will definitely find me a little too childish at times and selfish, but he will endeavour to kind of reign that out of me over a time.  He likes the playfulness and creativity in me, but the over excitement, the squeals and hyperactivity he will feel he has to step in and calm me down a bit.

He does feel that other people’s opinions mean a lot to him, he is very image conscious but he is not shallow, this much I can feel from him and he is living in frustration that people expect him to be shallow for some reason?

I sense his biggest desire with me is to help me experience a life of fun, freedom and happiness.  This is important to him; he wants me to be happy and less tight, it means a lot to him.

He is also afraid that I will reject him because he is a very physical person and somewhat clingy.  I don’t mind this actually because I have been attention starved most of my life, I am actually afraid I would slow his life down because of how demanding I can be with snuggles and mooching around them.  I know I am a very physical person too and I don’t mean sex, though I have to admit my tantric energy is rarely turned off!

Whoever this guy is, my only concerns are… can you cope with a hyperactive squirrel type woman?  Who is always in a snuggle mood, that is super creative and loves to brainstorm her ideas with you all the time.  Can you cope with the idea that she hates contraception for herself personally and wants a large family even though she’s forty?  If you don’t want kids, can you really keep your hands to yourself until you do? 

Do you like dogs?  I need a dog in my life… though I’m sympathetic to allergies.

I prefer suburban areas or areas that have a lot of nature around us, like big gardens and trees lining the streets, if nothing else and local parks…

I have a 12yr old son who will not be coming with me in my new life, as he has already chosen to stay with his father because of his 300yr ancestry in this village – will you think less of me for honouring his choices?

Do you like Mediterranean and Asian food as that’s my main diet? Because my ancestry is predominantly Italian with some Sephardic Jewish and Greek roots too.

Are you easily jealous?  This could be a problem as I am super friendly with the whole world, likely to hug everyone and be super nice and even a little flirty at times, but I am loyal to a fault!

Can you take the reins if necessary as I need a lot of direction and I get anxious when I am involved too much in a passive relationship… basically, do you have the patience with a person who is constantly asking “is this ok” “is that ok”? Or is that going to annoy you, because I know it has bothered many exes in the past.  I am also apologetic as I always feel like I am doing things wrong!

Do you have the patience to help me become the best that I can be as an individual? 

How are you with positive people who try to motivate you and help you?  Do you allow others to help you?  As I am always trying to help people and some people get moody about it, I only need to be told gently – I am OK thank you.

Do you like the outdoors?  I love it!

I don’t sunbathe; drink (unless it’s a special occasion & limit myself to 3) or smoke and I don’t do night life with the ladies, like most women do.  I am more of a lunch in town or an afternoon tea at home or at friends’ homes type.

How snobby are you?  I like thrift stores and markets and antiques.

I have a huge problem with spending loads of money on something I know I can get at a bargain price down the road of the same quality – this was something a couple of my rich exes couldn’t get over and they were snobby about where they got things, regardless of the price.  Which made no sense to me, you know look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves and all that…

Besides I like needlecraft and thrift stores have some nice clothes to touch up and make your own designs with!

I don’t travel light and that is the understatement of the century!

My rabbit Ray means everything to me and if he can’t be part of your life, well… sniff* meanie!

I am a drama queen at times, especially if I feel emotionally neglected and I can sense this is the same for the person I am talking about here.  So that will be interesting… two queens in one home…

But I sense I am the submissive one in this energy.

I am really laying myself out there for an energy I don’t know is going to take the plunge with me… are you actually all energy and hot air with no real intention… or are you going to find your balls and talk to me?

Sorry to be blunt, but the suspense is killing me!

I can feel your energy so much it is distracting – when I try not to hone in on this energy I am seeing some weird signs everywhere that makes me refocus again.

222

444

Snake

Trees

11

Watches/pocket watches

Ibis

Flamingos

Peacocks

Dragonflies

Butterflies

Bubbles

Red with gold in blocks or tiles

Purple with teal usually seen with peacocks and shiny metallic blue and horses?

Crystals – jade in particular

Wheels

Crab

Aries signs

March for some weird reason is important, like 2023 March

A black and white cat

A ruby ring

Rose tinted glasses

Chakra alignments

The kabbalah

Adam & Eve references

Alpha and Omega references

It’s all just weird and I know it’s somehow connected to you… whoever you may be!

Why the blazes does my instinct tell me that when I meet you I am going to want to run away and scream and then come back to you like super calm and cool and like… yeah hi, how are you?

Nobody does that to me!

Who are you?

Really…

Whoever you are, in dream time we have a certain way of knowing if we’re the right people for each other. Its subtle, but we’ll know.

Thanks for reading!

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October 13, 2018 · 00:00

You’ve crossed someone as old as sin

As the witches cast their spells under moonlight igniting Hell

As the bones of the ancients tremble awake

There are signs in you – of a grave mistake

You’ve crossed someone as old as sin

And now your suffering will start to spin

You won’t know when it will strike

But when it does, it does with a bite

And you will falter under this spell

As wicked things, drag you to Hell

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September 17, 2018 · 11:11

A word to hexers, haters and jealous people in general

A word to hexers, haters and jealous people in general

I am starting to take up art again, this time with an idea to try and make a living from it in a few months’ time, by then I would have developed friends in art and a little more self confidence in my painting work. 

I am still sick, that is something that will never change, in fact recently I have been told it could get much worse, but I am trying hard to pull through and make some kind of a life for myself despite all of the bad mojo trying to pull me down every once in a while, you would think it would have something better to do than to concentrate on picking on me, but never mind, they love me so much they just can’t stop thinking about me, which in a dark and psychotic way is kind of nice of them to think so much of me, I don’t think anyone else does to be honest, which makes them my greatest lover I suppose?

Yes, recently I have started to believe I am cursed, but then what do you expect from someone who is both spiritual and a lover of horror movies?  I’ve had such a long lasting run of bad luck with my health and personal life that I had to eventually come to the conclusion I have pissed off one too many witches during my life, for simply existing.  Lol

Anyway on a more serious note, it is true; I do believe the above statement. 

Despite this, I have to admire them for wanting to be involved in my life so much.  Hate can be as deep as love and just as obsessive.  In a strange kind of way, hate and love are the same thing, as you spend so much time thinking about the things you hate, like you do with special person you actually love, you give it the same attention, sometimes you even neglect the ones you actually love in favour of spending your time thinking more of the ones you hate.  It’s a strange kind of world when you think about it.

So when all is said and done, I am quite flattered of the attention I am getting, no matter how abysmal it makes my life.  I sort of feel sorry for the person who hates me to such a degree, because although I do not believe in karma, I do believe that you always reap what you sow and I believe in the sins of the father, despite not being a religious person personally.  So in a manner, it is not me they are cursing, but their own children; which is painfully sad for me, to think about.

Despite these setbacks, I will try, no matter how much I cry in pain each day with my ailments, as I do cry – so do please, enjoy that statement dear haters as I am sure you will, I will try and get along in my life and make the best I can of the cards you are dealing for me.  With a glad and happy heart, I will drag myself through the Hell you are creating for me and I will revel in any successes I may have in the future, whilst you are still sitting back on your posteriors, wishing that you had a taste of my supposed glorious life still.  Well by all means, you are welcomed to having a full three course meal of my life, if you so wish for it, you are welcomed to it and I really do hope that you choke on it.

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February 18, 2016 · 10:45

Curse rebound

I am going out of my mind with a body that won’t obey
I am being twisted up in all sorts of evil ways
The magic you weave around me, it will rebound on you
When you mess with evil magic, ensure you know what it is you do
It takes a witch to know one
And I know each and every one of you
So be aware my pretties for my demons are coming for you
I won’t be allowed to suffer, not anymore you’ll see
All the magic you’ve cast on me will rebound on you times three
As witches say, so mote it be

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August 8, 2015 · 10:05

Horror and mental illness

One or two of my poems have been considered to be short stories in my mind by me, I thought this was enough – however my husband and a friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that some of my poems are moreish and therefore they feel that I should work on making them into a larger story preferably novel sized piece.

My husband is quite persistent about two of the poems I’ve agreed would make a better larger story, therefore he is straddling me to the grindstone and making me get to work on them because I’ve been procrastinating on my leprechaun comedy for eleven years now and I am losing enthusiasm for it.

I’ve been advised by a friend too, that my fantasy work is good, but my horror is better as I seem to write more freely and graphically, which shows that this is where my genre should be. Funny enough I originally was a horror writer, I only entered the realms of fantasy within the last decade in order to get a wider audience and I was mistaken with the idea that I would be more free to do my own thing – in horror you can do that, in most other genres there does seem to be a general protocol.

I tend to read fantasy and horror but usually horror prevails as a reading choice for me, so therefore I know that I am more experienced with horror; I also have a sadistic, black sense of humour and a lust for shocking people; which I guess makes the genre perfect for me.

I know a lot of people are getting tired of vampires but, they are my favoured creature. However, I do love writing about mental illness (considering I have experience there too) and so writing about the horrors of the mind comes easy for me – particularly if it is regarding cruelty and isolation.

The novel I am attempting to write whilst I put my leprechaun comedy on hold is based around the self-harming and mental illness of a young girl who lives within an asylum and how she got there and why, the book will concentrate on the horrors of the occult, social services, abuse and isolation. There is more to the story, but I am not going to give things away, there would be no fun in that now would there?

So forgive me if the blog is neglected for a while, my husband really wants this story written and I am looking at my previous work with fresher eyes and I am very enthusiastic about this one. Who knows, perhaps it will become finished enough for me to have the confidence to post it up for YouWriteOn.com?

Ciao for now.

 

 

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February 8, 2015 · 11:55

Daily Pages 1 2015

Daily pages are just that, to be written daily.
If I for whatever reason have forgotten to do so, some day, please email me at misstcousins@hotmail.com and tell me to pull my finger out and write them, if you are a fellow author or artist, because I need some motivation and support in my creativity at times; being lonely and without creative friends makes me lethargic and lazy.
Usually it is required to write three pages per day in your daily pages alone until you have built a habit of writing again; I start these and do it well for about seven weeks but then I lose interest and then I do not write for three or four months at a time; this is not because I have no interest in writing or because I am forcing myself to write because I am interested in the money prospect once published – but because I get lazy, I get ill, I get side-tracked by new games online or 1000 piece puzzles and painting.
I am 32yrs old, I have only one friend offline and I see her less than once a month because I live an isolated life, because of my sickness. I am trying to see her more often, especially as she is only four doors away from my house and her name is Alona, she is Latvian and we became friends because my son and her daughter goes to school together and are in the same class and are best friends.
Alona seems to me to be the perfect friend, one that is there for you during your ups and downs and though I personally don’t see her often, she helps a lot. My husband and my son see her daily and occasionally she looks after Henry for me if I have appointments that are at the times where we should pick him up from school – he enjoys going there and playing with his best friend Alice.
I just wish I could do more for Alona, as I am sorry to say it all seems too one-sided this friendship and I feel like I am taking advantage of her good nature.
Alona’s husband is a builder and has often offered to do our house up for us for free, I couldn’t possibly allow it, he works too much as it is.
I am reading a lot more lately too, I am getting through two to three books a week now, particularly books based on art and how to paint and cosmic ordering.
I must say however, that the more I read, the less I want to write fiction because I feel that I am stealing from someone all the time or many people, I don’t think there are original ideas anymore and I don’t want to come across as a cheating fraud; I have been on numerous writers groups online and they’ve all said that I shouldn’t worry about it and just simply write and get things published as a lot of people have confidence in me that I have natural talent not only in writing but also art. I still feel fraudulent though.
Today is a Saturday when I am writing these daily pages and they won’t be published until tomorrow, daily pages will be published on my blog the day after I have written them because I am trying to get ahead in my writing of this blog.
I am a little confused by myself, I created this blog to be based mostly around fantasy short stories and it has become a personal life and poetry blog instead, fully unintentionally, I am actually disappointed in myself for allowing it to be side-tracked, but it will be side-tracked a lot from now onwards because I do plan to talk about a great number of things, from food, to culture, as well as fiction and poetry.
Horror will be present on this blog too, so if you’re going to be too squeamish it might not be for you.
I am also very spiritual and will talk about various things in regards to spirituality and the occult.
Something random, today I went the hospital for an appointment with my consultant, yes a Saturday morning, no lie ins today; and on the bus I saw a lovely site, sitting on the fence in the beautiful English countryside just outside the East side of Coventry city, between Pailton and there, was a buzzard watching some sheep and it turned its head and looked directly at me, it was amazing.
I was also confused by some hedgehogs which seemed to be up and about at midday, two in fact, in half a mile distance to one and other, I thought they were strictly nocturnal.
I am unhappy with the fur I found outside my house today too, lots of it, looks like some animal had had it ripped right out of them in the night, I was a little unsettled, because I got myself involved a few years ago online with some witch friends and I got myself an American boyfriend who turned nasty and jealous with my offline friendships in the UK and he turned my friends against me and when they hate someone they do curse them and stalk them and tend not to forget them. It makes me wonder, you know?
Though Paul my husband reckons he heard a very aggressive cat fight last night around 3am, I take his word for it because I am nearly totally deaf these days without both my hearing aids in and when I am asleep the only way I can wake up from day to day is to be patted on the rump, I can’t even hear an alarm clock!
It is weird you know to think that it is cheaper to travel 120 miles away to visit a friend to a free entry fete in Sheffield than it is to go to a local adventure playground park, I bought this up because soon it is half-term and I am thinking about doing something with my son Henry; I was hoping to take him to The Conkers Discovery Center near Ashby-De-La-Zouch and it would cost us for the whole day around £90 – 110, whereas a trip to Sheffield to visit my friend at a free classic car show will be £18 return ticket via coach, it’s a mad world.
I then looked into taking him to the nearest zoo, all costs included; train fayre, food, tickets etc. will set us back £250.
We have a leaking roof which will cost us £3000 to replace as we’ve bought this house outright now, we have a new boiler system being put in next week and we are in dire need for a skip that will cost £150 for what we need.
My health is getting really crap now, excuse my French and so, I thought enough is enough and it’s time for a change – so I decided to re-enter my interest in cosmic ordering and ho’oponoopono to get my life back to where I want it to go and not where other people are forcing it to go.
I was told for cosmic ordering to be truly beneficial to you and your life, you must not set yourself limits or be humble in what you want, you’ve got to be completely honest with yourself about what you want from life or else it will feel you are trying to cheat the system and you won’t get exactly what you want – or if you do, there will be things you will still be unhappy about – so I have made a list of the things I really truly want, to the maximum and greediest of my dreams for a perfect life.
My wants and needs are thus;
I want a garden bigger than 1.5 acres not sure how big I am willing to go, but the garden must be able to contain a large area for guinea pigs and guinea breeding and rearing (breeding to keep and show, not sell or give away). The area should contain several pens to separate males and females for selective breeding and each pen should contain 20 individuals with lots of space for toys, and a little tunnel that leads outside in the garden for fresh air. My husband Paul used to breed guinea pigs in the past, so he has the necessary experience to do this.
The garden must also be big enough for me to have an agility training area for my dogs, Paul and I have agreed we must have at least 4; one pair will breed a litter where we will keep at least 1 pup and keep that line in our family for generations if possible. Again I will show my breeding pair of dogs, the other two dogs I won’t because we plan on having a giant breed and a lapdog, the breeding pair will be some kind of spaniel or collie. I have the necessary experience to train dogs, in fact I very nearly got a job as a police dog trainer, but because the job involved me bringing home two pups to live with me during their training my mum wouldn’t let me take the job (I lived with her at the time).
The garden must also be big enough for 50 fruit trees, particularly apples and hazelnuts, as we want to hire dormice to help them breed and work with the national wildlife trust.
We also want a vegetable and fruit patch at least 50ft square.
We want a large patio area with potted herbs that’s approximately 30 by 30ft and a large BBQ area; this patio area might be extended to an outdoor swimming pool that will have a pull enclosure that’s attached to the house so we aren’t limited to using it only in the summer.
We also want a little meadow flower patch to attract bees, we want to hire a beehive, and we also want a pond big enough to take 6 Aylesbury ducks.
We also need an area to put chickens, up to 30 of them.
And a little flower garden, a football field for the kids, another field with several adventure playground apparatus for the kids and finally a little moss garden retreat for me.
Ideally this house will contain a brook or a stream flowing through the garden somewhere.
As for the house we need a lounge for visitors, a family lounge, and a large shared office for me and Paul, a huge kitchen with a dining area and room for a sofa and an island and a walk in larder, as I am Ina Garten in this family.
We also want a separate formal dining room as we will host dinners.
We also need a large art and music studio as I do compose music as well as paint and write.
A play room for the kids downstairs would be an added bonus, a downstairs toilet, an outside toilet, a three car garage, an annexe for a housekeeper, and a minimum of 5 bedrooms because I want more kids and I have relatives that travel down from Manchester a lot who needs a place to stay at Christmas time.
My life will involve painting, writing, composing, and voluntary work, prop making for theatres and going to auction houses.
Ideally I would want for nothing, never to be in the situation again of deciding between going to the hospital via bus or having £8 less in the food budget that week, which is a lot, considering the current food budget, is £50 a week.
I do not want to drive, but Paul wants a large garage for two cars, one that’s large for day trips with the kids and friends, and another little run around for us to do shopping in when the kids are at school, he also wants a RV as we’ll take regular trips to Great Yarmouth and Dorset and the peak district for photography and rock pool reasons.
We’d also like to drive across Europe from time to time.
I would love to go to the fantasycon every year; I would love to go shopping in New York at Christmas time. I would love my health to get better so I can start living now I am away from forced isolation.
I want to be able to be a Goth again (though not a strict one as I get rainbow moments, hippy moments, sexy jazzy moments, steampunk moments and middle eastern harem belly dancer moments) and to afford their plus sizes as I am not a lightweight, I can barely afford normal types of clothes, let alone alternative fashions.
I want to say to my son, yes I can buy you those Disney Cars pyjamas that are £25, there you go – I want to be able to buy things off the rack in shops and not have a buy now and pay later account in some catalogue.
I want to surrender to my urges that one day I wake up and I say to myself, I want to go by bus to town, just to go to the library and sit about for a couple of hours and then come back home without second thoughts that this will cost me £7 out of our weekly food budget.
I don’t want to sit around for 3 months waiting for me to save enough to get more brushes or paints to finish a painting I’ve started, which is a regular occurrence.
I want to make friends that are so at home with me they think they’re family – I don’t want friends that are there just for fun or just to rant about life, I want positive, creative, spiritual and family oriented people who want friends because they want emotional support, they love people, they crave being with others and sharing food and homes with them.
That’s the dream life for me.
This is what I am working towards with my cosmic ordering ideas.
Wish me luck xx

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May 11, 2013 · 16:51

Smoke & Mirrors by Neil Gaiman

I read this book in January 2013; I still remember some of the stories as clear as day.  I felt it would be good to put up previously read works on this site, because I don’t read enough fiction regularly to sustain this part of the blog, I mostly read non-fiction works based on social history, religion, the occult, psychology, true stories and biographies.

For those of you who have never read Neil Gaiman or know about the book “Smoke and Mirrors” it is an anthology of fantasy, horror and dark fantasy short stories and in my opinion, prose. 

Anyway, first up is “the wedding present” I don’t remember much about this story at all, other than I remember disliking it, but I can’t remember why.  I do plan to re-read this book at the end of this year for revising what I think is good and bad about it all, as I am trying to teach myself how to read critically, so re-reading this story will help me remember why I didn’t like it.

The next story I liked, it was humorous, “chivalry” A little old lady goes into a charity shop and buys a chalice and she is soon pestered by a time traveling knight who declares the chalice is rather special and tries to get it off her for several weeks, she eventually relents with a surprising ending.

“Nicholas Was” is next, a very short story, or was it really prose?  I don’t know what it was, but I do remember it, and it was confusing, although I did like the imagery it portrayed.

“The Price” oh my goodness was that a scary tale, I felt like crying for the cat.  I think the cat was based on some kind of protective angel, but that’s well hidden in the story if that’s what the cat was.  A brilliant tale, loved it, and I loved the audio of it too which is free and can be found at this website www.neilgaiman.co.uk/smokeandmirrors/audio

Another of my favorite was “Troll Bridge” I think almost every fantasy writer has written their own variation of this story at some point; I know Terry Pratchett has, although I’ve never read that one yet.  Neil Gaiman’s Troll Bridge was in my opinion, unique; I found it really thoughtful and inspiring.  I sometimes hoped that I could crawl under such bridge and make a deal like that, but would I really want to?  Who knows…?

“Don’t ask Jack” bought back nightmares of my childhood, that’s all I am going to say about this story.  I don’t like remembering it, to be honest.  In fact, I wasn’t comfortable with the story so much, I had to put the book down for two months before I could read the story that came after it, and that was because I forgot the previous tale. 

“The goldfish pool and other stories” Brilliant, I was so happy I picked this book up again after abandoning it, this was a great story, touching, haunting, fantastic.  I was really upset it was a short story; I could have read hundreds of pages of this work easily. 

“Eaten” I don’t remember this story either and I can’t remember if I liked it or not – sorry.

Again, one I loved “The white road” the imagery in my head was so lucid, I adored that.  I tend to think of actors or people I know when I read books and I was seeing actors and actresses from “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” and “The Aristocrats” TV mini-series in 1999 one actor in particular was actually playing a Mr Fox, Alun Armstrong, he was playing Mr Fox in my mind when reading this story and the girl was a blond haired Winona Ryder for some reason.  The other actors and actresses from those movies and series that I was seeing in my head were there purely as spectators of the revelation that was being said between Mr Fox and the girl.

I was a wonderful story; I loved it, such passion and a delight to read, but am I being too bold? Ha-ha.

“Queen of knives” and “The case of the departure of Miss Finch” other delightful reads.  I loved them, they reminded me of one of my favorite Hammer horrors, “The Vampire Circus”, and they also had a similar air to “The Night Circus” by Erin Morgenstern.  I too, almost wrote a book similar to all four of these examples when I was fifteen years old.  A story based around a circus of the night, traveling vampire gypsies picking off locals at their stops, turning some, training some, it was a good idea I thought, but at the time I was going through a turmoil.  My brother had friends in publishing, they were at his house having a dinner party and I was also invited, they asked to view my work so arranged another dinner with my brother and I gave them some of my work, unfortunately I never got them back and they plagiarized my work, unfortunately still, I had no proof they did this because when I lost my completed work I lost heart in re-writing it all and burned the notes I had gathered over the two years it took me to complete it. So basically they got off Scot free and I’ve nothing to prove in court, so my loss I suppose.  My brother also worked behind the scenes of major film companies, so needless to say they did make a movie out of what I wrote, but made minor alterations, I won’t mention the movie here or the people, because I don’t like making a fuss, especially when I cannot offer proof.  The story was different to my gypsy vampire idea, but was vampire themed nonetheless, just this was the point of no return for me until I reached twenty one and had confidence in writing again, by this time I had forgot the idea, I only remembered the idea after reading those stories.

“Changes” I don’t remember this story either regrettably.

“The daughter of owls” now that was a beautiful fairy-tale in my opinion. 

“Shoggoth’s old peculiar” made me smile because it made me think he based the story on my family, who live on the edge of the Welsh and English border, they run a pub which resembles an eighteenth century tavern and I’m sorry to say they have toad-like faces and an old fashion air about them.  They are constantly cribbing about hiking tourists in their area, particularly Americans, which made this story feel it was made especially for me.  Obviously it wasn’t, Neil Gaiman doesn’t know me from Adam, but still, it felt special.

“Virus” I didn’t like either.

“Looking for the girl” I disliked too.  Reminded me a little bit of one of my exes, made me feel this story was based on his future life.

“Only the end of the world again” I liked, was it a sequel to one of the above stories I wondered?  Or more than one – I sense an air of “Shoggoth’s old peculiar” but also “the white road”.  I loved the combination if I am right, it worked amazingly well.

I think the “Bay wolf” is also like the above review, though I am confused, because I am trying to remember all the stories from only four months back and it’s difficult, particularly as I am writing this review on a day that my headaches are mild and wondering whether or not they should get worse and become the usual migraines.

“Fifteen painted cards from a vampire tarot” was also good, many stories in one.  Again, this was something I was thinking about writing as an inclusion to my traveling vampire gypsies when I was a teenager, another reason was because an old horror movie with Donald Sutherland inspired me a few years previous called “Dr Terror House of Horrors”. 

“We can get them for you wholesale” was both hilarious and bleak; I never laughed out as loud as I did when reading this story.  I truly recommend it for people who have a sick sense of humor like me!

“One Life, Furnished in Early Moorcock” and “Cold Colours” I don’t remember these stories either unfortunately.

“The sweeper of dreams” was also beautifully written and after reading it, knowing I’ve ignored my love for writing for almost two years solid, I began to wonder if the sweeper of dreams came and visited me and stole my muse away or not?  But obviously it hadn’t, because I’ve started to write again, though, this time, my muse focuses mostly on poetry, not stories, like before.

I despised “Foreign Parts” it’s really not my kind of story at all. 

“Vampire Sestina” was brilliant and again, too short.

“Mouse” I couldn’t remember much about mouse either.

“The sea change” was a good read too, for what I remember and that’s not quite much at all, ha-ha.

“How do you think it feels” I liked the story and I hoped for more, but no.  Sometimes I think Neil Gaiman lacks the confidence to make some of his short stories into novels, it’s like he doesn’t believe in them so he makes them short but sweet.

“When we went to see the end of the world” that was a confusing read.

“Desert Wind” was nice.

I don’t remember “tastings” either.

“In the end” now that was very thought provoking and again, made me pause on the book for a fortnight whilst I thought things through and read “Enoch” and a few other non-fiction stories, for absolutely no other reason than to try and confirm my own beliefs in some strange inane kind of way.

“Babycakes” the title attracted me because when I was in college a friend of mine thought it would be good to have a name for each other, a pet name, so she came up with the name “Babycakes” I was baby and she was cakes.  She called me baby because I lacked experience of the world and she felt very motherly towards me.  Regrettably, the story isn’t as sweet as the one I just said above about me and my friend; it’s haunting in a bad way, terrifying because that could become a truth and I felt bad that I had read it, like it’s shameful.

“Murder mysteries” was beautiful, I liked the story outline.

Now, here comes my favorite story of the entire book “Snow, glass, apples” Neil Gaiman’s take on Snow White and it’s wonderful.  Unique, tragic, he saw what I saw in the story, not a victim but a spoiled dangerous little brat, that’s what I’ve always seen snow white as, but oh, it’s wonderful how he mingled this story with vampirism and victimization of the queen.  A pure work of genius!

This book was 50/50 in my opinion, 50% bad and 50% good, but the good bits are excellent, they are unique and imaginative and I love them, they inspire me to write my own stuff.

Thank you Neil Gaiman!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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