Tag Archives: obesity

A view of me

I am not confident in front of the camera because my body is unpredictable. 

What I mean is, one day my face looks slim and the next huge – I swell and it’s completely random and unpredictable.  Along with this my body can change hugely from one day to the next too, for example – I am not happy sharing my clothing size, but I will to help explain this!

I have to buy three sizes of clothing because one day I will be a size 20 and the next nearly a size 26, why this happens?  I haven’t a clue!  The doctors haven’t either, but they are pretty sure it has something to do with one of my auto-immunity disorders.

Yesterday all my clothing over a size 22 was huge on me, today, it’s a little tight.

Because I am sometimes a size 20, in fact most of the time I am a size 20 I presume that is my true natural size, but tomorrow I may wake up and only fit into size 26 clothing, literally this can happen overnight!

I have been trying to get to the bottom of this for years!

I am not confident with my looks because of it – I have to literally take a change of clothing with me when I go out for a few hours at a time, because I could start to swell and the clothing cuts into me!

I am also not confident because alopecia is really getting bad lately – the GP told me it is something that happens with people who are suffering from long Covid.

Recently I am excited about my looks starting to improve, because I have had a tooth extraction and I will soon be getting braces to straighten my smile, but that doesn’t solve the swelling and the hair issue!

I also found out recently that a large mole that was on my face was actually a treatable wart and it has now entirely gone!

I am really working hard to improve my looks, because I am not happy in my own skin; but it’s hard to manage when I never know from one day to the next what size I’ll wake up!

My confidence is also bashed because there has been private messages to me about how they believe I am either not the same person photo to photo or that I am rehashing old photographs all the time!

That is partly true; my photographs are mostly old ones – but it’s going to change because I intend to update Instagram at least once a week to show you all how I change so significantly in such a short space of time!

Below is a photograph I have taken tonight – my face is significantly larger than it was yesterday, my chin has doubled up, sometimes it triples up – we don’t know why!  But my face can sometimes get wider too!

Taken on the 2nd August 2022

We used to think it was due to food allergens, but we tested this over a five year period and to be honest there was hardly any change to this phenomenon!

Below is a picture of how I used to look I 2017 when I was actually 305llbs in weight!  Yes, 305llbs – my biggest ever size due to not handling my food intake well for a sedentary bedbound lifestyle – I was basically still eating like an athlete without moving my body! I used to eat 4500 calories a day and burn it off, but when I got sick it didn’t register for a while that I can’t eat like that anymore!

Taken in 2017

Why am I showing you all of this? 

I am bothered by an ex-boyfriend and his cult members they are actively doing whatever they can to “expose” me by proclaiming I am not a genuine person in any way possible.  They are seeking to destroy my reputation no matter how small a circle it is I am in, let me be clear on that!  I am unsure what they are trying to expose other than the fact that they are grudge harbouring bullies…. But hey ho!

You’d have thought after thirteen years of not being together they’d move on, but evidently not.  What I am confused about is their reaction when we broke off – they are the ones who expected me to make sense on a telephone six hours after ear repairing surgery and were so forceful in their demands that I socialise with them because they missed me (because he lived in the USA) that when I was tired I said something they misunderstood.  I said I needed time out as I just had surgery, he took it as I needed time out from him and that meant to him that I was dumping him – the vicious reaction online the next day to anyone connected to me was shocking and horrible and lead to death threats from people!

I lost a lot of friends because of him and he still hasn’t got over it.

This is what is so frustrating about it all.

It’s a very large group of people who all seem held bent defending this guy’s honour, when in fact, as far as I was concerned then, it was just a stupid misunderstanding… I had an operation for goodness sake; I was still under the influence of anaesthetic and he kept me on the phone for nearly two hours, I was practically falling asleep!

But I digress…

Here is a photo a year later…

Taken in 2018 and 50 pounds lighter

I have since lost a further forty pounds, I am still big – but when you consider the weight loss is not really due to dieting, but illness, it is a little good but also a little worrying for my family.  As I do have a sedentary lifestyle, I am sick and I am eating approximately 1200 calories a day on average, because I have huge digestive issues where eating is actually becoming painful.

We are trying to resolve matters with the help of doctors but the NHS is suffering hugely because of the pandemics, that their waiting lists are huge now.

I am having more good days recently in regards to energy – but pain is always present.  So I am starting to get the energy to be able to go out for a walk once a week for twenty minutes – I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you consider I have been bed bound for eight years, it’s a good start!

I don’t think I can be truly happy with myself until I can get back the fitness I used to have back in 2012 where I woke up and did 45 minutes tae bo and walked 9 miles a day on average and then did another 45 minutes of tae bo in the evening amongst other activities such as badminton, hiking, rock climbing, skipping, swimming and more!   I need that life back! 

A lot of my ailments could be severe depression, but all of this started after I had mono and pneumonia in the Christmas of either 2012 or 2013 I forget which.  I did fall into a nasty depression in 2015 where for about three years I was struggling with suicidal thoughts because my illness was just taking its toll so much and I could do nothing!  I couldn’t even breathe between sentences.

But there is a handle on that now, I can breathe long enough to talk several sentences now – but it is hard to talk and walk at the same time. 

Because I have a lot of baggage and dirt in my past – including people who know my dreams for being a published author, just waiting for my name to be out there so they can pounce on my past and “expose it” to try and embarrass me back into my hole because they are ashamed they can’t have what I might get – I have decided to reveal all… expose myself as it were… dragging up all the sordid details of my past, because the past doesn’t define me – what defines me is what I am now and what I have become and what I will become in the future!

The past is the past – it is dead and gone, I am not – I exist, the past is extinct, the future is possible and I am living and learning as I am going along and I am forgiving too – so why aren’t they?

Why do they live in an extinct reality?

It’s not just a career I am trying to get by the end of this year sweethearts… it’s everything; I am out for all I can get from life!  I am really trying to work hard on every level of my existence and I am going to share my journey with you all along the way!

Watch this fat old ugly caterpillar transform!

Thanks for reading! 

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Who is the Tardy Creative?

TardyCreative.com was named mainly because I realised that although I am a writer and I aspire to someday becoming a selling artist, I knew that I have other interests which can sometimes absorb me!

Especially interests regarding gardening, reading, pets and other matters close to the heart, such as the LGBTQ community and generally defining myself as a person, healing from abuse and having fun!

I had wanted this blog to become a broad outlook about me, this was never meant to be a professional blog in which I will sell my books, because to me, this is a personal blog.  When I approach an agent with my work in the future, I will create a professional blog separate but connected to this.

This blog was purely intentionally made to share my life with people and my progressions in my life, including my progression as a creative.

I suffered a lot of abuse from controlling people who moulded me into becoming what THEY wanted; this blog was my attempt at showing the world that I am becoming who I want to become!

Unfortunately until this point, I have done so with some sense of shame and embarrassment.

I have not been confident enough in sharing photographs and things in too many depths, but I am learning to change and I am building confidence, slowly but surely!

Any idea that this was meant to be my actual “Professional” blog is wrong, this is a personal blog, and it always has been!

I am fine tuning myself in various ways in my life at a fast pace, because I am determined that my life really will start at forty, like the old adage says it does!

I need it to work, I need it to happen and I need to stop living in fear!

But ultimately, I need to learn to love myself, be happy in my own skin and I am not.  But I am trying my best to change how I see myself and to learn to love the skin I am in!

I am going to be shouting loud and clear about who I am in up and coming posts, but I do not intend to preach and I do not intend to convert, my intentions are to purely and wholly be me, without shame and to share who I am to the world!

Because hardly anyone knows the real me, they just know the trained, tamed version of me that my mother and other abusers have made me into.

The boring me, the monochrome me, the quiet me, the me that is not me… basically.  My shadow is more me than me!

So, as I fearfully crawl out of this rock, learning technology as I go my way, I am also learning not to fear being rejected for who I really am by the world I am creeping into!

Hello, I am The Tardy Creative, my real name is Tina, but that is going to change soon to something that is more me, it is something I have always intentionally wanted to do – change my real name. 

So I will be forty in October, October the 3rd to be precise and I heard that life begins at forty and I really hope so for me!

I have struggled with two different and very clashing eating disorders in my life, both compulsive eating (when angry, stressed, feeling trapped and bullied) to anorexia and bulimia (when sad, grieving, depressed and sick).  However, when I am relaxed and happy and enjoying life, I have been known to forget to eat because I am in the moment, whether or not that is anorexia or not, I don’t quite know, but it’s a funny thing with me!

I have body dysmorphia, I believe I am really hideous, so I don’t like to share images of myself – I am trying to change my perception of myself, by adding pictures of myself here soon and regularly.  To see whether or not I am as hideous as I think or not! 

Stupid in reflection, because social media is often cruel as it is sometimes kind!

Things most people don’t know about me, is that I am very bisexual or rather pansexual, if I find someone attractive and I get along with them, I will go into a relationship with them, whether man, woman or trans.  I have dated Trans men before and ladies, but I was never open about it.

I am also shy about my own crossdressing forays.  I love to dress as the young dandy of the late eighteenth century but I am also really into Bohemian and kawaii styles too, I am very eclectic and I live each day differently. 

If I could have any magical power I suppose it would be transmogrification, so I can change my looks according to my feelings of the day!

I love to have long hair, but I have alopecia as well as mild trichotillomania (which is triggered when badly stressed or bullied) which is ruining my looks – I have thought about shaving my hair to a very short pixie cut or crew cut and wearing wigs, but I am frightened of doing that, in case of abuse and attack and becoming unattractive to new relationships in my life.

My alopecia is due to malnutrition as I have a digestive disease and pernicious anaemia where I am not able to absorb B vitamins and biotin in particular. 

Despite not wearing makeup much and having a limited wardrobe, I am very fashion conscious and love the fashion industry and watching Vogue on YouTube etc.  I have never been educated in how to use make-up by anyone, except the videos I see online; I am really quite a novice.  I am not confident about knowing what I am doing and this too is something I want to change!

I am not known for wearing dresses, but I am getting into them these days!  I never liked wearing trousers, but I did it because I was told to for so many years, that wearing them became a habit!

I always liked maxi-dresses and skirts and certain styles and colours and up until recently I have been mostly black (influenced as a perfect choice by my mother) and occasionally pink (chosen by Henry and Paul).

I like loud and bright looking clothing and I was told in order to wear bright garish clothing, I need to be a super confident, loud and garish person!  If I am not that, then I will be humiliated by the public and picked on!  So I have avoided it.

This too, will change!

I always felt that nobody is interested in somebody like me, no one wants to hear what someone like me wants to say – but as I am learning more about the social media, the more I have learned that you become who you are, share what you are and you will find your tribe, you will find others like you and the world will become smaller and more inclusive for you as an individual.

Gone are the days of true isolation.

This is why I want to harness using technology and social media, I need to find out for myself that I truly am not alone, that there are people out there just like me, who think like me and like the things I like too – that I am not a weird little thing that needs to be hidden in case it is destroyed by society, like I have always been told I am!

I have the right to exist how I want to exist, so does everybody!  So I am going to fight for it and become exactly who I want to be!

You realise of course I am shitting brick as I am saying this?  Because now I have told this to you all, I have to now actually act upon it… don’t I?

Well, I’ll try…

Thanks for reading!

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The Artist Way & The Cosmos

I believe a lot in cosmic ordering and I have been trying to learn myself how to use cosmic ordering to my own advantage for the last two years, by reading various books on the subject to get a wide view point from many individuals who use it.

Julia Cameron uses some of the techniques of cosmic ordering in her book “The Artist Way”.  I have been reading the artist way for a while now, because I think it helps with my creative recovery, despite some of the tasks she sets before me, being brushed under the carpet as for me; they are impractical for my way of life.  Such as the artist break, I never go anywhere on my own, let alone go on holiday by myself, I wouldn’t want to; however, the occasional trip to a local café or the library with a note pad in tow, is something that I do enjoy from time to time, so the artist date isn’t ignored entirely.

Another thing I ignore in the Artist Way is the week in which she says that we should avoid all kinds of reading, do anything but read.  I am sorry, but I don’t do reading deprivation.  If I am not reading stuff online, I am reading magazines, newspapers or books.  I have never ever experienced doing without reading – for me, like silence, it would kill me.

I can live with a rule such as – internet deprivation, but reading deprivation, dream on baby.

Also, by using the rule of reading deprivation, I can’t do those precious morning pages she wants me to, I can’t do my art, because in order to do my main form of art, I need to write and with writing comes editing and what is essential when editing a writer’s work?  You’ve got it, reading!

I won’t stop writing any more than I would stop reading.  I wanted this book to help me write more, not encourage me to stop what I feel are essential habits for me to work.

Anyway, getting away from my point a bit; The Artist Way contains many techniques similar to other books for cosmic ordering.  In my opinion she assists in that she helps us identify why we are not as successful in our chosen artistic careers as we would have liked to have been.  She delves deep in our sub consciousness, digging up long forgotten memories that helps answer how we’ve lost our path.

I found out that I lost my original creative path by using her techniques, by remembering that as a child I had a huge interest in fashion and drawing, but I was pushed away from this and put into writing.  Everyone had agreed for me that writing was my talent and to Hell with any other talent I might have.

I have trained in psychology and social sciences in the past and I have used some of the techniques learned there, with various self-help books, cosmic ordering stuff and I have realised that a lot of my current pitfalls as an adult, is not self-inflicted but are actually reactions against something happening that I didn’t like when I was younger.  When I was little I loved fashion and loved drawing dresses and playing with Barbie.  However, I didn’t get my own Barbie doll until I was around 11yrs old.  I wasn’t encouraged because my mother was a tom boy and wanted me to be the same as she was.  I noticed by the time I reached around 8yrs old I became a very obese child, but I didn’t give up on the whole idea of fashion and drawing until I was around 10yrs old and each year I was getting bigger and bigger.  Then it finally happened – when I was around 12 I told my mum that I would love to go into fashion when I am older and she simply said to me “with your weight, you’d be eaten alive in the fashion industry, you won’t survive”; so with that I thought lose weight or lose the dream, I tried to lose weight but every time I had an interest in fashion again, she’d bring out the doughnuts and McDonalds and remind me that it’s a foolhardy dream for someone so large.  Every time she gave me a treat and I ate it, she said it was my fault I wasn’t thinking about my dream, that I should have more self-discipline.

So by the time I was 14 I had literally totally forgot my dream.  I remembered it because in The Artist Way, Julia asks us to think about people we are jealous of and identify why.  I happen to be jealous of a lot of young girls I know who are professional dancers and are in the fashion industry.

When I realised the reason for the jealousy, I was then asked to search deep as to why that would affect me.  I remembered it all lead to fashion.  I also realised this because my favourite non-fantasy and non-horror movies and TV shows, happen to be focused around fashion.  “The Devil Wears Prada”, “Mean Girls”, “Are you being served”? “101 Dalmatians” any shows featuring Gok Wan, and so on!

I am not someone who follows fashion though, don’t get me wrong.  I am someone who likes to start off the trends and I usually succeed.  I don’t like to fall into a normal fashion concept, I like to develop my own, I believe in having a bespoke fashion sense and a bespoke home, to match who you are, I believe people should show the world exactly who they are as much as possible.  I think it attracts more genuine people to you.  I am more comfortable with speaking to someone who dresses in alternative fashions, whether they are punk, Goth, witch, or Hell’s Angel, than someone who seems very conservative.  Because to me, those conservative people are hiding themselves for some reason, or have a narrow concept of what’s acceptable and what’s not; I don’t do shallow people.

I am learning about the true me through doing all of this.  I am happier for it and luckier too.  In the Artist Way, Julia Cameron has asked me to do another task recently that is to make a collage of everything I love and everything I want to attain in life. 

This for me is something that I used to do and those things did come to me very quickly.  I got out of the habit of having a collage when I moved in with Paul as I could never work out where to put one in the house that I would see regularly and that wouldn’t raise questions with Paul’s family and our friends.  Recently Paul has suggested that I forget other people’s opinions and do what I want around the house.  So I will.

I am going to enjoy pinning things up on my collage, I am also making a scrapbook collage as well of more personal, secret things.

But the main impersonal things will be put into two locations around the house, so my sub consciousness can soak it all up, and help make it happen through the cosmos.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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For you are not perfect, I say

A tragedy is when humanity has lost its compassion for its fellow man

To cause him grief whenever you can

To comment of how he looks and lives

Yet you know him not

How can you do this, will you stop?

You are tearing lives apart by words

You have the voice of cowards

If things were turned and you were scorned for how you looked today

How would you feel when you get home, after you’ve walked away?

For you are not perfect, I say

It isn’t a laugh when you’ve said those things about a person’s weight

It isn’t funny when you’ve hurt your classmate

For her scars

For her red hair

It doesn’t matter, but you should care

A joke is not the excuse for causing her despair

Stop this hatred, stop it soon

Or someday judgment will bring your doom

I’m not talking religion here, but someday nasty words you’ll hear

And it won’t be you who is giving them

It will be another who’s chosen you to condemn

You are not perfect I say, but what you have now; let’s hope you keep it, hey?

For you never know what might happen

An accident to your face may rapine

I give you no threats but a warning

Don’t monish peoples adorning

For you are not perfect, I say.

 

 

 

 

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