Tag Archives: mourning

I trust wildlife

One of my crows died this morning, Kerr.

I heard a hullabaloo outside and looked out the window to see their offspring mourning on the grass verge and the rest of the murder in the sky trying to dive bomb away the local buzzard which was trying to swoop down to eat the remains.

I liked Kerr, he was quite old.

It’s odd it should happen the day after I was talking to Paul about how I haven’t seen Scruffy for weeks, another crow I like.  A female, her mate is called the Sentinel by me, as he seems to watch the house and me more than the others.

Barbar was really distressed.

I’ve lost two of my crows in a short space of time as well as a magpie, which I believed was killed by his own family.

He was a runt by comparison, I called him Rocky.  He would sit on the window ledge and was so tame I could nearly stroke him when the window was opened.  He had an obsession with a pebble that he carried everywhere with him, he was unusually thin and although he was about a year old – he was still being fed by his family, sometimes forcibly.  I think they killed him as he was a burden, he never grew up and he was quite strange for a magpie.

I miss him too.

I am silly like this, I get attached to the local wildlife and name them and I will try to tame them when they come into my garden and care for them. 

A few years ago Paul wanted to take me to live with him in Canada, but our plans fell through due to my ill-health.  He always said, he could imagine me on the porch surrounded by bears and raccoons and hand feeding them berries, treating them all like pets!

I actually think that would have happened too, if we had gone!

I am rather shamanic and very brave around all animals.

I have nearly touched a real live bear once too – they were passive, I got within two inches of their snout before their keeper stopped me in my tracks.  You see I had found a way through the bars of a zoo cage to touch them.  It was a friendly bear and it sniffed my hand and tilted its head like it was going to let me stroke it.  That zoo made renovations very quickly after this happened.

I had a deep sense of trust it wasn’t going to hurt me, because I could read its energy. 

But that’s just me, a feral creature in her own right with a deep understanding for nature; humans are far more dangerous than any bear!

All I think about is love, I send love to the animal, peace, I don’t have a fleeting feeling of fear at all – I feel happy, content, loving, peaceful and trusting and say over in my head like I am talking to the animal itself – I just want to share my love, I won’t hurt you, let me touch you. 

Thanks for reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under spirituality

Catalina (Kitty)

Though I never knew you, I light a candle for your name

I have never met you, but I bring your life some fame

I talk about how short you lived

I’ve shared my tale to all

You will be remembered by me

Right now you would be tall

You are nineteen happy birthday

Though you were never born

I will love you forever

And forever I shall mourn

An explanation will be posted in the morning, because of the graphic content of the explanation. Sorry guys!

Leave a comment

Filed under Home and Family

Warning for tomorrow

I just need to warn my readers that tomorrow is a dark day full of scheduled posts that have upsetting content. 

The content will be including suicidal thoughts and memories of domestic violence with body horror aspects.  I needed to get all of these things off my chest, I am sorry if I upset any of you and please believe me when I say – I do not intend for these posts to become a “a thing” here.

Understand too, that today and for the past few weeks I have had a hard time with my mental health, a very hard time and that tomorrow is a special and very mournful day for me – which will be explained at the first post which will go up midnight UK time tonight.

Things have been brewing a long, long time, the first two posts tomorrow will be a memorial to a child I lost and the third is about how I am not coping right now mentally.

I felt it was necessary to warn you.

I am not all peacocks, rainbows and butterflies you know… that’s a façade these days, trying to trick myself into believing I am actually happy with my life.

As for some of the dreams I had in my earlier post today, well, maybe there is hope for some of them in the future – depends what happens before April…

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Leave a comment

Filed under About my work

17th October 2016 – wanderings

Grey stone lay beneath my feet.  My feet are cold and bare as the fog gently surrounds me in the frosty night.  I look on in the patchy darkness, but my vision is obscured by the fog more and more.  I settle myself down upon a rock by the big oak tree and I ponder life and my existence. 

I miss you more and more. 

Your death has made me hollow and changed me in a way that I don’t understand.  People think that I am strange; I certainly have developed strange habits.  I don’t take mourning you easily.

People tell me that as time goes by the loss of you will hurt less, or at least I’d learn to cope.  But at the moment all I can think of is that it was only last week I saw you last, each day that goes on is more and more torture for me to bear, I can’t imagine not seeing you for a month, a year, a decade, half a century or however long I shall live.

Perhaps my new found madness shall kill me?  If not that then the cold will.

Leave a comment

Filed under Brain Drain

Hollow feelings and death

I am feeling hollow
Surrounded by death
Though no one wants to hear my thoughts
They say I am selfish if I declare my pain
Feeling for strangers, that’s insane, they say
But I look on
Numb
Torn
Forlorn
Reborn
Like from the ashes of the cadavers around me
I form a new life within my self
For them
For me
That’s how death can set people free
Sometimes
Like now, that doesn’t work
Perhaps soon it will
But now I am still
Cold and worn
I need the warm
I need life
No more death
Just let me be
Free

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

We all fall down

Nation against nation a war has begun, people prepare with their bullets and guns.

Soldiers are ready at the foot of the brawl, women weep as their children fall.

Many are mane and many die many scream and many cry all live in hope for the war to end

please not let a war come again.

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Kelpie

Glaring lights, pale as death, call you and me.

Dancing through the leaves of the night, dancing around the willows and the oak, hearing the sounds of mysticism in an endless voice of hope:

What is it that we evoke?

Rushing through the air of the night, filling our souls with curious delight; the moon shines upon us as we run after thee, O what can you be? What can you be?

The silver of the night can be what you are or a guiding star? Yes a guiding star!

You took us from our campsite when the air was chilled and harsh – you made us run bare footed across the country grass!

Nightly dew soaks our wandering feet and we search for where you go. Roaming free like a bird in the sky you fly, through the leaves of the trees in the night!

But we remain warm with your charms dear light.

Running endlessly we wonder where you take us. Miles and miles it seems… we run through the fields and past the stream, this feels like a wonderful dream!

Pure is your light of wonder, warm is your glow, but where do you take us, where do you go?

What are you which we evoke?

Faster and faster you run wild and free, past the streams and the tree’s and we run faster along with thee.

We hear a mystical voice again, calling like a choir, calling our names to follow still, even though the night is chilled!

Brighter and faster the light becomes running through the corn. We follow and run helplessly we become most forlorn!
The light has gone! The light has gone!

O where are we now?

As if it was all a dream we suddenly awake from the hypnotising light we are in the lake… we are in the lake.
Drowning, mourning sorrowfully, we cry and call for help. But all that hears our calls this night is the old mythical creature the Kelps!

All we do now is yelp and yelp!!!

Leave a comment

Filed under Short Stories

lost in emotions (a poem) ?

Where I go, I feel everything

Where I’ll stay, no one knows

How true is love and miracles?

When there’s no place to go?

I need my friends

I need an end

I need hope

I need forever loving

Don’t lead me astray

Just lead me to a place

Where dreams can come true

I need this, I need you

© Tina Cousins 2013

The above was written just a few moments ago, I am going through a very dark few months.  My family has had a lot of bad luck and a lot of skeletons in closets are starting to fall out, it’s destroying the extensive family and it’s literally killing the younger members of the family.

A fortnight ago I lost my cousin, she was only thirty years old and she had four kids.  My brother was very close to her; in fact they lived next door to each other and shared dinners regularly as he was supporting her as a single mother, despite having his own family to care for too.  I heard news that my brothers depression has got far worse that he attempted suicide last night, thankfully he was unsuccessful but up until two hours ago he was unable to breath independently, unfortunately we live too far apart that I couldn’t be with him and I only got the news an hour ago.  The machines were turned off and he is now breathing without assistance, which is a blessing.

I have also been diagnosed with manic depression a few months ago as well, so my mood goes up and down like a yo-yo and I have been told that it could be the depression which has caused a lot of my long-term illnesses to get worse and I am in a vicious cycle of poor health and depression feeding off each other, if you understand me?

It’s a big blow to me because up until an hour ago I was feeling really happy and I thought I was getting over my depression as I’ve been on a BIG high because of this blog and because I was treated to a new wardrobe of clothes last month and I started to do myself up again, taking an interest in my appearance again, which has been non-existent for a year now. 

Needless to say I’ve been in tears, but I have got to a point in my life I talk endlessly about things as my coping mechanism, I am not one to mope around in silence.  I’ve done that for years, it made things worse; weird enough talking about things so openly is better therapy for me.

I have no idea what the ditty was I wrote above, I don’t know if it’s a poem or a song or a litany and it literally came from nowhere.  This happens at times, it’s like I go into a trance and write poems and I have no idea what I’ve written until it’s finished.

Sometimes I get my best work doing that.  Well anyway, song or poem, I hoped you liked it.

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry