Tag Archives: mental health

Just one game…

I’m a recovering gaming addict.

I used to play games for hours when I was bedbound sick every single day, right up until around Easter 2022 when I decided enough is enough!

I am tired of being sick and gaming and doing nothing else – I am tired of pretending to be a farmer on Sims4 because I can’t garden anymore.  I am tired of being a Sims character with a dog, because I can’t have a dog.  I am tired of living a virtual life!

I knew that once I gave up gaming that I might go round the twist pretty quickly because it was the only thing that took my mind off the pain I have every day.

But I came to the conclusion that if I wasn’t gaming as much, then I would be practising art and writing more and for a time that was true.

You have no idea how much I actually miss gaming!

Especially since today I learned that Sims4 updates are becoming cooler than ever!

Sims4 wasn’t the only game I was addicted to when I was a gamer in early 2022 – no – I loved Rome Total war and a Warhammer card game – I loved Bee swarm simulator on Roblox and other games on Roblox too, since I was a toddler I have been a gamer chick!

It was something I held in shame for most of my life, but around the end of 2021 I started to become proud of it and even thought about being a gamer on YouTube doing reviews because of free promotional stuff peeps get on there!

But then I started to try and get mature.

I don’t know why I wanted to do that, because giving up gaming is the only thing that I did – everything else about me is as immature as ever and I am not ashamed to consider myself one of life’s Peter Pan types.

On Twitter today I posted how I want to play Sims4 again today and how I want to eat popcorn and game all night and I really do – but it won’t actually happen… why?

My big gaming machine is downstairs in the living room and we only have heating down there for two hours a day and those two hours are around the time I would eat dinner approximately.  Henry has the habit these days whenever he sees me on that machine he either wants to play himself so I can’t enjoy my time on it – or he will try to control which games I play so he can observe or play with me through his laptop – so it’s never my time anymore!

I am starting to get back into the gaming mind-set for the last three days because Henry demanded I go on Facebook Trainstation to play with him for half an hour because he wants boosts and international trains from me to help him get an achievement.

I don’t particularly like Trainstation because its more or less the same all the time and I am bored of it, I got bored of it around five years ago.

But I have got roped into about an hour of that a day since the weekend and its boring – plus I am a little upset it is eating into the time for the only game I play these days which is FlightRising.

I play flightrising as my writing warm up exercise for about 45 to 90 minutes a day, thanks to Trainstation I am only there for ten minutes just to feed the dragons and turn their eggs and scavenge.

I am upset because I have projects I wanted to do on that; I wanted to gene up some of my baby nocturnes from the Night of the Nocturnes festival and level them all up to 25 in the coliseum to sell, because they are all 1st generation babies, which makes them extra special to other gamers.

I can earn approximately 300k of treasure in game per day, but at this rate, with Henry’s demands for Train station, I am barely able to get 30k a day now.  Ordinarily that would mean I could splice a gene every two days, but now it could take a month!

I seem to be losing more and more ability to do what I want or need in every manner these days, even eat – it’s all so dumb – everything thing has been taken out of my control!

It’s not just Paul interfering anymore with what I do, it’s now Henry.

I can’t eat most of my dinners anymore, because it’s really stressful.  It’s stressful to sit at the dining table with my family, because of the arguments and when I get tense I can’t eat or I start purging, so oftentimes I am going hungry or eating in vain because I can’t keep it down!

Since Henry has been diagnosed with autism it’s like it has given Henry permission to completely revert back to being a toddler!

I go to the toilet and I am disturbed all the time, because he is demanding attention.  I wouldn’t mind, I would love to give him attention and get him off the laptop and talk with me – but he does it every time I go to the toilet – I am deaf, I can’t hear him through the door and when I finish he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.  This is starting to mess up my system if you get me?

Not that you needed to know that, but this is how highly stressed I am these days living here – I have stomach ache a lot and the only time I can relax toileting these days is after 1am when I know the whole house is going to be quiet and not disturb me!

It’s not right living like this and when I talk to people about their behaviour here, it gets vicious – it gets nasty, I just can’t talk to them anymore, they just won’t be civilised with each other or to me anymore!

I am severely depressed by it all because I feel so trapped here and I am!

I just can’t seem to do anything!

A simple thing like eating a meal, going to the toilet or playing a half hour game on my big machine can cause huge ructions and stress!

I am having nightmares about it – seriously!

The amounts of boring things I used to do day to day is actually becoming something like Ground Hog Day dreams at night time – so I am not getting any respite from reality lately.

I am waking up, thinking certain things have been done, to find they haven’t been – then the realisation it was just a dream starts to eat away at me and I start feeling hopeless and tearful again – because I was pretty sure I swept the stairs last night!

I was pretty sure we bought the new mop.

I was pretty sure the bad neighbour was seen moving out yesterday!

I am pretty sure I found my missing vampire files last night! 

It’s all really sending me around the twist now.

I really feel like I am descending into madness and everything is like déjà vu or repeating itself! 

Maybe I am already dead and I am trapped in limbo like my mum always said I would be, because I am not baptised and was born out of wedlock – I am after all, in her opinion “The Devil’s child” anyway! 

Thanks for reading and pray for my sanity please!

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Filed under Home and Family

Daily posts

I am probably going back to one blog post per day soon, unsure as of yet. I am struggling to do more and struggling with writing purely for the blog daily and I don’t want to break my streak as it is approaching nearly three hundred days unbroken postings.


There is a lot of negative stuff going on in my life right now and I am trying to maintain writing, reading, learning and keeping my shit together all at once and I am near to burn out – in fact, so much so, I am super sleepy lately and if I just sit back and rest for a moment I literally fall asleep and lose forty five minutes.

That’s how exhausted I am getting.


With this being said, I am struggling to exercise since a couple of weeks before Christmas, so my weight loss has slowed down. I am still attempting to lose weight, but I am just too tired to do the exercise right now.


I am really struggling on so many levels to keep my head above water emotionally.


I am trying to keep my shit together for Henry because his dad has now announced he too, is in a similar place mentally.
This is not something I need to hear on top of everything.


But I am trying to be as supportive as possible even though we are still definitely separating.


It is hard to keep a balance, especially as there are no emotional outlets, no emotional support anywhere for me – not even within the household now.


It’s getting very dense in here.

Also I some how managed to run my finger over with my desk so its a little inflamed.


Thank you for reading and hopefully understanding?

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Filed under About my work

Paranoia

Too many eyes

Too many tongues

Too many heads this way turn

Too many secrets

And many lies

Why do their stares burn?

What’s the problem?

What have I done?

Why do their eyes burn me like the sun?

Why do they whisper and play these games?

And who are they?

What are their names?

Too many questions

None have revealed

How can I hide?

How can I shield?

What do they want?

What do they know?

Why are they doing this?

I want to know!

The eyes talk

But not a lot

Why am I burned?  Why are their eyes hot?

Too much mystery

Too many clouds

Some voices are quiet

And others loud

Some drive me mad

Some make me sad

But ultimately why do they look so bad?

What do they see when they look at me?

It is all such a big dark mystery…

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Filed under poetry

My authenticity as an author

What is my authentic self as an author?

What are my passions and experiences which seem to flow into my work effortlessly?

Basically, what makes this author, this author?

It’s not unknown if you have been following me for some time now that vampires are a huge passion of mine and that once they were all absorbing and my main if not ultimate focus?

They are still in my mind but is now swept away into a corner and regarded with a sense of guilty pleasure nowadays, which is a shame. 

But other than my vampires who am I as an author?

I like anthropomorphic animals (human like animals) and animation movies which have animals as main characters or heroes; to me I can’t get enough of movies like that!  I love reading books on the perspectives of animals, such as The Animals of Farthing Wood, Fluke, Charlotte’s Web, that sort of thing.

Being shamanic off and on throughout my life, I regard myself as having an unusually deep understanding for both nature and animals and anything primal really and yes, that does make me a Walt Disney fan.

I am a deeply spiritual person too with very philosophical ideas – this can be seen in some of my work but not all of it.

I do believe in miracles and magic, I believe in soul connections and spirits, so this belief of mine goes into my work a lot.

My work can be very profound and intense; it’s what I’ve seen in past reviews on my blog, in emails and from other people who were fortunate enough to get snippets from me in private.  Because I tend to throw in my philosophical thoughts, my spiritual education and I forget that sometimes for some people, they’re not ready for that kind of depth yet.  It’s a part of me, it’s a part of who I am and mostly I don’t realise I do it.

That’s my magic, that’s unique to me and when you follow your authentic path in your own writing, you will discover things about yourself you never knew too, it’s a kind of therapy a kind of gas-lighting oneself.

I love dragons and monsters, I like seeing them as misunderstood creatures, creatures that aren’t bad at all and in fact could be rather helpful but have their boundaries and they expect respect.

I like characters that are inventive and quirky, a little strange, maybe forgetful and definitely misunderstood by societies they live in, because they reflect who I am.  I am proud to say I am an air-head with little understanding of logic, that has an interest in science though not a brain to really fully grasp it and a memory of sieve – put all of this into a pot steaming with spirituality, creativity and free love and you’ve got me… a messy soup.

I am a mixture of Caractacus Potts from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Carl from Van Helsing 2004, Miss Bat from Worst Witch, Miss Trelawney from Harry Potter, Lucille Ball, Wendy Froud, Bjork and Bob Ross!  You get the message… I’m a mess!

I love writing lengthy descriptions of natural scenes and observations including as many if not all of the five senses all at once.

I have a deep sense of decay of both mind and matter, I understand the damaging effects of humanity on the Earth and I write plenty of dystopic sceneries in some of my stories.  I love the idea of nature taking back the world, after humans sought to destroy it! 

I love characters like Poison Ivy, Pocahuntas and The Lorax for this.

I have a deep sense of survival in me, from both being raised semi-feral in a North London garden with a violent family and because I have a Girl Guides attitude of “Be prepared” and a deeply seated understand of impermanence – that you can often see survival as a theme in a lot of my stories.

This is why I love characters such as Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games, the TV series The Tribe, Rambo and so forth. 

Because I have experienced severe mental health issues over the years and lived with several people who have far worse issues than I do (I have never needed to be medicated for example, like they have) I can fully understand what it means to live in an asylum and how the public treats people who have a history of that environment.  I also understand and have witnessed several times people literally descending into madness to the point of both murder and suicide.  Yes I have seen a person killed in front of me that is something I’ve kept to myself until now.

I have also witnessed several people trying to take their own lives, dying of a stroke right before my eyes and other horrible things.

Experiences which are hard to write, but can’t be wrote properly unless you’ve truly experienced it.  I am not saying try to experience that sort of thing, goodness no!  But you can understand how an author’s authentic self can further their writing by putting in their life experiences into it!

Characters such as Jack Torrance from the shining, John Kramer from Jigsaw, Janet Frame from Angels at my table are reflective of very similar people I have known as well as several characters from the movie The Crow.  I’ve known very edgy, scary people who don’t hide the aspect of who they truly are to anybody!  A few of these people have been put into isolation by the authorities but there are others that have evaded this somehow!

In my experience it is the weak ones that get caught and dealt with, the really nasty buggers never are!

Injustice is another thing that crops up in my stories from time to time based on this.

I am afraid to say some readers may find some of my darker materials frustrating as justice are rarely served in a fair way; I tend to take people to a very primal place.

Some of my characters are kooky, childish and fun, but should really be responsible as they are adults but they struggle with that reality – therefore I like characters such as Mr and Mrs Luxury from the blue bird, God from Dogma, Brennan and Dale from Step Brothers and Sarah Sanderson from Hocus Pocus. 

I have a passion for characters with big egos and sarcastic humour so I am often drawn to personalities which are played by actors such as Alan Rickman, Tim Curry, Glen Close and Robert Downey Jr.  Those characters seem to be fighting against the odds with a pack of brainless lucky heroes who are out to ruin their plans or gas-light them in some way in my stories.

Comedy is becoming more prominent in my stories as time is going by as I am no longer hiding my sense of humour from the world; this is a transition that is not welcoming from Paul.  He prefers my more serious stuff, but that’s not being authentic to myself!

There is even comedy in my darker stories and horror these days, lightly thrown in.

I was given an article to mull over by Paul the other week about how dark humour is an early sign of dementia; I am not paying any attention to that!

Societal changes and upheaval are a theme in several of my stories, hence my love for dystopia.

I dislike romance, so that is at a minimum – but there are some saucy scenes now and again in my adult works, in fact I have been known to write full on erotica in a past blog as short stories, but I deleted them after a while and that blog – I also did it here for a short time too, in the early years of my blog as I was told I was too graphic and should really have it as a subscribers content.

That is something I am thinking about doing actually, subscribers short stories of both my erotic works and vampires, as well as a subscriber incentive of giving 50% off the purchase of poetry anthology E-books I am planning to publish by the end of summer.

I love certain sports and you can see which I am into by the books I write, I love wrestling and combat sports in general so there are plenty of fight scenes in my stories as well as ancient warfare.  I am very keen in ancient warfare history and gaming.  I know a lot of the terminologies and so there is little research needed for me when I write those scenes because it’s a passion of mine.

I am not afraid of killing off characters but I am not a maniacal character serial killer like George R.R Martin, but not far off it either! 

Death sells as good as sex in my opinion.

I like hard-core no nonsense and dominant characters that don’t like a lot of fuss, so there is at least one in every story.  My favourite character is a wild hermit woman from the Dragon project I am writing; a sort of mix of Miss Trunchball meets Nanny McPhee and Tarzan!  Again, crazily based on people I’ve known, as I have said before… I’ve known some strange people in my time and exaggeration can go a long way, especially when story writing!

So you see a lot of my ideas wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for life experience and a knack for exaggeration for entertainment value.

Though I keep my non-fiction as honest as possible, I can use that experience and exaggerate it for fiction!

This is how we writers do things; it’s how we give you the books we write.

Or those who have actually given their work to an agent to get published, that is!

I’m not far off to be honest.

I won’t give you a deadline or update until I send my work to an agent, but for now – let’s just say, I think it’s going to be sooner than you think – a lot sooner!

So there you have it – my experiences, my passions and my work and why it is uniquely mine and why you will struggle to try and copy it!  You are not me and even if you were to go off and research the character references and include the subjects I’ve mentioned in this blog – you won’t ever reflect me, but only I can be purely me and only you can be purely you!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About my work

Being an authentic author

Great literature comes from the heart.  A great writer put their heart, their soul and their experience onto the paper.  They write what they love and are passionate about and they ensure to put as much emotion into their piece as they could possibly muster!

People want to read amazing literature, people want to write it too; but some people seem to think that they can’t trust themselves, their passions, their ideas because they have a low self-esteem and value for what they believe they are worth – so these sorts of people tend to be what I call “the idea stealers” and then they wonder why they aren’t as successful as Joe Blogs down the road and to me it’s purely a matter of just being you.  You weren’t being genuinely yourself when you are writing and that’s why you aren’t as good as someone who has their own path, their own ideas and put their heartfelt passions into a word format, like a book.

You’d be surprised at how many people would read a book about a character that is passionate about stamp collecting, if the author has the same passion – because the spirit of the author leaks onto the page and makes it feel genuine and fresh regardless of the subject matters general popularity in society.

I’ve read books with such a boring synopsis but were riveting reads, because I believe the author had done that – put their spirit into the pages of that book, by being themselves!  After researching the authors I find out that they do have similar lives to their characters and that’s why they are a success – even fantasy authors, though magic isn’t real, the power of belief and imagination is so strong in them as a person, they can trick you into believe it is!

Trend chasers do not tend to be very successful authors or at least not authors with readership longevity.

Don’t chase trends, don’t think that one author is doing really well on her blog or her sales that you must try and copy the frame of her work as your own in order to succeed as you think that’s a trend – you are not harming that other author, but you are harming yourself and your authenticity.  If there is nothing more that can sell better than talent it is a person’s authenticity – their brand. 

You being your authentic self is your brand.  Can you really keep up the pretence for the rest of your life that you love fairy romances when you by your very nature is a conservative person who doesn’t believe in magic and dreams coming true and love at first sight?

There is a time when it will become a grind for you and your mental health will suffer.  I have seen this happens to many authors over the time I’ve been online and befriended a few.

They tend to crash and burn out and give up.

The catalyst is usually the time when they choose a prompt and they are led by that prompt and the stealing of multiple ideas of other authors which reflect similar subjects of the prompt.  This is a thing, I’ve seen it time and time again and I actually have friends who are the writers of these prompts and they’ve cheekily used some of my ideas in their prompts to prompt other writers to write.

This has caused a surge over the years of certain subjects swamping the publishing industry with the same old subject and similar storylines, which gets old for author agents very quickly and it is why many book trends come and go erratically fast!

Trend chasers exhaust the idea pot because they are frightened of their own authenticity.

They feel that others will judge them as harshly as they judge themselves and that is not the case at all.

I am not sitting here being all high and mighty, I have succumb to this kind of pressure myself and I have sat down and seen the industry exhausted by vampires, so I have chased the other trends, witches or werewolves or demons and I wasn’t as happy as I was when I was writing my vampires and it is clearly seen in my works.

The heart isn’t there.

So where is my heart?

Where is my authentic self?

That’s another post…

For now, I want you to ask yourself the same question.

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About my work

Guinea pig tango

Abstract thought of the day, guinea pigs singing and dancing to “Sway” by Frank Sinatra!

I have had this image in my head for a few days in actuality – guinea pigs partying it up to that song, dancing the tango and singing “when we sway I go WHEEK!  Yeah, I know, Paul has already expressed concerns for my mental health!

But that’s what happens when you live a life of solitary boredom!

Thanks for reading…

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Filed under Abstract Thoughts

My dreams scream

I am driven insane

By the things I know

Little bits of secrets

Of all the world glows

In my mind they fight for space

In my dreams they scream

I can’t escape all the weirdness of dream

I am going mad by the violence of life

The cold hearted people are my vice

I can’t stand doing this alone

I need to be free… I need to go home

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Filed under poetry

Meet my shadow

Would you like to see my shadow?

My shadow self, I mean. 

Do you even know what I am talking about?

No?

Well, a shadow self is the dark side of you – the personality traits and habits you have that you are not proud of having and try to repress, the things you feel shame about, the things you fight hard against.   For many people its things like anger, sadness, rage, jealousy and cruelty and habits like addiction, self-harming and so forth.

So, do you want to see my shadow?  Or at least the bits I am willing to share about it?

If not, then tough – because this is what this post is about, my shadow self!

A lot of the shame aspect of my shadow isn’t so much my real feelings about them, but the kinds of feelings I was beaten into believing is shameful about them – brainwashed brutally by others to supress about myself. 

Some things about my shadow self, I am actually rather proud of and I want to bring it out into the open a lot more.  But because I was brutalised into shame for those things, I can’t help but burn up all over whenever I dare think about being that person!

When I was a lot younger, I am talking adolescent age; I took up smoking for a few weeks until I developed a bad chest infection. 

It is one of my hidden fetishes as I found smoking sexy in some ways and still do; even though it’s not sexy at all really… it’s dangerous for the health.  But I am definitely someone who finds certain styles of smokers pleasing to look at.  This is one of the things I feel shame about, because it’s a selfish act – I am not thinking of the smoker’s health here, just my own lust at the aesthetic of at looking at them.

I took up smoking because I wanted to be that sexy smoker with the cigarette extension at posh parties, but my chest couldn’t take it, so it soon stopped!

I won’t go back into it again and my own guilty conscience could never use anyone for that aesthetic, as I really do care about people I love.

Although I am a very open person and I have lived with polygamists and been involved with open relationships, I am a jealous person – if I know I am not getting the quality of attention and care I desire; if neglected too long I can be positively vicious or over enthusiastic, depends on the person and what happened between us.

I admit I can be a vengeful person, but I tend to decline from violence whenever possible because I have a problem that can’t be managed well, when in a violent situation.  I am afraid to admit that I have been physically brutalised so much in my life, I have the same traumatic response as a war veteran. 

If violence is not easily avoided, I zone out, go red and attack back to the extent I can’t relay what I did to the person, other people have to tell me.  It’s like I go into a trance or something.  This is why, if I feel a violent situation is going too far I have to do the so-called cowardly thing and walk away!  It’s a huge part of the PTSD I have.

I know it sounds counterproductive, but this is where another fetish of mine comes in useful – I have been involved deeply in the BDSM lifestyle as both sub and dominant.  I prefer sub when I am in a relationship where I completely love and respect the man, it’s hard when I don’t love deeply or respect them enough to submit to them  It does matter to me, I can’t just submit to anyone.

But a good trusting dominant that I love and respect, knows what boundaries I have and respects them, pushes them from time to time as they build trust with me and it actually helps with the PTSD over a time. 

It’s hard for me to top a guy I love and respect though.  I prefer not being the dominant partner if am honest with you.

Which leads to another shadow trait I have – intense pride, I feel a lot of pride when I am a submissive to the right guy – I am proud for being what they need me to be at the time, I am proud to help, proud to do things… if those things make me comfortable and they respect my boundaries.  Now for those who aren’t involved in the lifestyle, you may feel that a submissive can’t have boundaries – but they do, in fact they are more respected than vanilla/regular relationships in my opinion.

I am so happy within myself when I feel needed or given a task or I have successfully done something for the one I love.

Another thing is, I need a man who likes to take control like that – especially if they have high standards, because I do not thrive without someone like that in my life.  I go stagnant, I don’t look after myself properly and I let myself go; Which is strange because I am a proud person and I am very vain by my nature, but again, society has brutalised that out of me… so when I am not in a controlling relationship with a vain guy who has high standards, my vanity flies out of the window too – because I am naturally also quite modest.

Because I was made to be modest, it is unacceptable to be vain in the religious communities I was raised in.

Paul is not a vain person – he doesn’t care what I look like, he is just happy having me around or was until recently.  But I know from past experiences, when I have had a guy who does care and does have high standards, I never slack on my beauty regime and trying to look my best, because I don’t want to fail him!

It’s hard to get the motion going without someone like that in my life, because I don’t have the inclination to do it just for myself, because I don’t get the same sense of pride from it.

I am also ashamed to admit I thrive on praise, if I don’t get enough of it, it doesn’t feed my pride so I become like a hungry lioness that starts to rebel because I haven’t been acknowledged enough – yes, I admit I am hard work!

My dream would be to be part of a couple where we motivate each other, we have similar needs but are polar opposites, I am submissive they are dominant, but we both need each other for the praise and challenge to make each other the best that we can be for each other, with true team work.

Though saying that, some of my fetishes seem to put the dominant into a bottom role at times, I love foot fetishists, I love having my feet sensually acknowledged and that can be difficult thing to broach with some dominant men.

I know the shadow aspect is more than just sex, but I am following a pattern of thought here, from one thing to another and it just so happens to be sexually related right now.

To the right dominant I will be completely 100% loyal to and could do almost anything within my limits for, not just in the bedroom, but in life too.  I have a strong sense of integrity though, which can put up certain blocks for how much the dominant can harness me.

I will do anything for them, but if it goes against my hard-core beliefs, you’d have a hard time convincing me to do it and that’s where another trait of mine comes into play.  I am renowned for being stubborn!

Yes I have stubborn integrity!

If I don’t respect or love someone deeply enough or if my integrity is being challenged, I am so incredibly stubborn and forthright that nothing will stand in my way to maintain my poise and position on the matter and I will respond to it viciously if I must.

I remember an old Lord who met me once, got off on the wrong foot with me with his naughty disrespectful behaviour (non-sexual) and I told him a few home truths and I got the nickname “Sparky” from him!

Another shadow trait I have is self-harming if I believe I have let people I love down or humiliated them in some way – I also self-harm when I feel humiliated or stupid, or if I am too stressed without support.  I just go and sit in the corner and scratch myself to pieces with broken glass!  Though that happens rarely these days, in fact the last relapse I’ve had with that was about three years ago.

What’s worse is whenever possible I will try not to cry in front of people, so people never really know how upset I have got over things as I tend to hide myself away, though lately that’s getting difficult to do as I am getting more emotional as I am getting older. but a good master or dominant man will know to always double check on me.

Another part of my shadow self goes back to fetishes again, I switch easily from sub to dominant to alpha submissive on sister subs if I am in a polygamous household.  I don’t like dominant women and I have a hard time having any woman try to top me, in fact – just don’t even try to go there!

But with other submissive women I have a playful dominant streak which can sometimes be too teasing and borderline cruel; I have to be reined in at times – but it depends on who the other person is; the less I like them the naughtier I get with them.  Yes, viciousness is a part of who I am at times – but it rarely rears its ugly head, because generally I just want to be nice and helpful most of the time!

Another thing, I am a huge attention whore – I mean, I don’t just like being acknowledge a bit… I like a lot of hands on attention and I have been known to be called “exhausting” by some previous relationships on both a physical and mental level.

I need a lot of touching, snuggling, feeling, playing – you get me?  When I am not getting that I tend to talk people to death, or at least that’s how they make me feel at times.

I often think that I need a dominant man who can handle all that but also socialises a lot, so he can take me out to a party or something and point me in a direction and say “look, friends, go talk to them” and nudge me over to them so he can have a break lol.

Another thing is, I have to be boring at events etc. in that I only drink three glasses of any kind of alcohol, unless they are shot glasses then maximum seven.  Because to me, I love alcohol and I think it could be all too easy for me to follow my family down the alcoholism line.  Because to me, alcohol is really nice and it’s like soda to me!  So I avoid it, because I know myself well enough.

I have had ex alcoholic boyfriends in the past and I have respected them enough to NEVER drink alcohol around them, because I know addiction is hard.

If you hadn’t noticed yet, another shadow aspect of me is sex addiction.  Actually, it can be a real problem if I am with a very erm… playful guy?

I am one of these people that gain more energy with it, I am very lusty and have a high libido – same with normal exercise too – if I am lethargic and can’t be motivated to do much due to laziness just make me exercise – if you are in a relationship with me, sex is more fun! 

I have been complained at for having such a high drive that an ex felt I used them only for their body… so… lol

Up until recently I was very embarrassed about being super childish and repressed it hugely, but healing my inner child is bringing the childishness out more and more and though, sometimes it can be a bit much for a forty year old woman to act the way I do… I am happier for it!

I can be bratty at times; if I know I can get away with it with people.  I am talking Verruca Salt here, but then again I am easier to please than her as I have modest desires really!

All I tend to want are fluffy cushions, snuggles, pets, books, endless art supplies, perfumes and a virile dominant man – what more could I possibly want? … Oh and a big kitchen, a happy family and a good sized garden… nearly forgot those essentials!

I avoid eating candy outside of ovulation because it makes me hyper.  I am talking squirrel on caffeine kind of hyper!  Give me candy during ovulation should be a part of any man’s survival manual if they are in my life!  I turned into a right monster when sugar deprived around then!

Just imagine a 40yr old Verruca Salt shouting “Give me candy now, or I will scream and scream and scream”, you kind of get the message… though I am polite, so I am likely to say please, the rude part comes if anyone dares say no to me at this time.

People give in, because when I scream, it’s reminiscent of Madeline Kahn.

So there you have it – my shadow in all its glory…

I can’t say I feel any better for sharing it – if anything I kind of feel embarrassed about it and might hide for a year or two over it… but never mind.

I may just plod along.

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Defining myself

Falling fool

Can somebody stop me now?

I am falling hard

Falling fast

Into a sea of sharks and pain

Falling hard like rain

Falling down the drain

Spiralling out of control in the air

Can somebody stop me?  Do you care?

I am in pain right now

It hurts so bad

It drives me mad

I am clad in thick grey clouds

Falling through the crowds in despair

But nobody sees me there

Am I alone in this world?

Is everyone deaf and blind?

Or have I really lost my mind?

Do I exist at all?

Why do I exist to fall?

I can’t keep falling more

There has to be a time where I can soar

And fly these heights on a feathered wings

A time where my cries leave me and I can sing

It can’t always be this way

Falling more and more each day

Things surely have to change

Or else I am deranged

I’m a falling fool

With nowhere to land

Falling onwards and onwards into dreamland

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Filed under poetry

Pollyanna is dying

Pollyanna is dying, a slow and awkward death

She wants to stay positive

But should she hold her breath?

Things will work against her

Like they always do

There is only so much light here

Here within the blue

She is drowning in the misery

Of broken promises and lies

The blue are the tears that came from her

From all her heartfelt cries

She tried to keep them happy

With a little charm and wit

But they flogged her daily

With words so full of shit

Slowly they made her like them

Slowly her heart turned to stone

Because slowly the eels gnawed at her

Through her flesh and bone

Her happiness frustrated them

They couldn’t stand her words

It made them feel insubstantial

She is stupid and absurd

Of course life is not like that

They said day to day

How can you sit and tell us

Those things are bright and gay?

I tell you now, we will make you

See what life is like

That the whole world is a hard place

It will hit you like a spike!

You won’t be happy much longer

Not when we’re done and through with you

You say you should find the positives

We say, you have no clue!

You are stupid and naive

And we’re here to tell the truth

There is nothing so nice about life

Nothing is sweet and smooth!

You stupid little girl

With your stupid sweet ways

We are tired of you seeing things sideways!

We’ll knock you down and you’ll be like us

Off a pedestal

You will hurt like the rest of us

We are taking you to school!

The joy and laughter will leave you

When you come and see the truth

Do your lesson well and we will show you proof!

You can’t have these or this or that

You can’t be happy in mounds of scat

You will eat the shit of life we give you

Down here in the deep blue

You can’t tell me there’s something grateful here

Yes that’s right go and shed your tears

You are learning good, now shut your mouth

Or else we’ll go worse on you and take you to the South!

So Pollyanna is dying, she is leaving me

Pollyanna was once alive, deep inside of me

But they made me see that things aren’t bright

And maybe things one day won’t be alright?

Maybe they’ll stay the same and they won’t change at all

We are in this for the long haul

Can I ever see the light again or am I in too deep?

Will I have the courage, to close my eyes and sleep?

I can’t tell right now at all

Because today I am at a wall

It is blocking my sight to see

I wished I could be free

But I am stuck here in the blue

My only hope is to be fished out by you

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Filed under poetry