Tag Archives: insomnia

Precious time

For the past few weeks my brain has been more than just a tad topsy-turvy. 

I have been suffering from insomnia for years but since around November my insomnia has got far worse, sleeping an average of just four hours a day and it really is day time sleeping too – often getting to sleep around 8am to wake up around noon.

It feels so alien and wrong to me, I have never been one who likes to sleep and I have never been one who accepts people who sleep-in; I am one of those people who generally have little respect for people who sleep in bed past 10am (even on a Sunday)and here I am, doing just that!  In fact, before I got sick, I was disgusted by people who couldn’t get out of bed by 8:30am!

But there you go, things change and not always for the better!

For me it is inconvenient to be asleep during the day because Henry is at school and whilst I am fighting with my insomnia and sleeping whilst he is at school it means I am practically getting nothing done at all for weeks now!

No reading, hardly much writing, no art yet, listening to music, not much meditation or conversation, not much of anything. 

When I am awake I am tired to the extent of feeling faint most of the time that all I am able to do is sit and stare and try to maintain consciousness.

So if the quality of the writing in my blog has been really bad lately, you now know why!

Last night was an exception for me considering these past few weeks, I managed to get to sleep by 2:30am and wake up around 10am, which is amazing considering what’s happened sleep wise for the past two months!

I’ve done more in these three hours today, than I have for the whole of last week!

If anybody out there knows me, they know that one thing I can’t stand more than sleepy heads, is people who waste their time by choosing to do nothing!

I have a huge intolerance for time wasting, unless it’s purely for relaxation, recuperation or fun!

I am easily frustrated by myself if I find I am not being productive in at least something – it doesn’t have to consistently be the same one thing, as long as I am being productive in something!  Such as cleaning, reading, honing a skill, writing, socialising, exercising, bonding with a pet, gardening or keeping my brain sharp with a strategy or puzzle game.  Anything which doesn’t contribute to some kind of betterment in the future, or productivity is a waste of time!  Unless as I have said, it is for fun or recuperation – this is where TV and music comes into play for me.

Because for me, the TV and music can be very productive, even though I might just be sitting and watching or sitting and listening, because not only am I relaxing and having fun, it adds to the stimulus for ideas to be creatively productive in the future or a form of research – this is something non creative people can never understand!

Though even watching TV these days is a task not worth fighting for as I can never watch anything in full without being disturbed or someone randomly coming over and turning the channel without asking if I am watching it and to fight to keep it on is not worth it and too much energy!  I live with selfish people who don’t care and are stronger minded than I am, so they walk all over me! 

The idea of sitting down and doing nothing in a brainless manner, even for relaxation has never really made sense to me; Paul does it all the time, he sits down sometimes for hours and I ask him what he is thinking about and it is always the same answer “nothing”, I don’t get it!

Even when I meditate I never go into that state of “no mind” so I suppose then by meditation standards I am doing it all wrong?  But I just can’t seem to grip the state of “no mind” relaxation.  For me, when I relax I suppose it’s a sort of astral travel?  I am wondering round in the throes of my mind in forests, having conversations with people, thinking deeply about anything and often find myself doing the things in my head that I would like to do physically if only!

When I was bedbound sick, you have no idea how crazy it made me just sitting in bed all day every day for so many years just existing as it appeared to me to just suffer!

I exist purely for germs, was my everyday thought – to give life to infectious little bugs as a host and nothing more.  As dramatic as it seems, that’s how I felt!

Sickness, procrastination and doing nothing, is highly inconvenient for me – as is sleep, going to the toilet and travelling in a car, because of the little activities I can do during those times!  Time wasting, can’t stand it!

Yet I’ve done it so much over the past eight years whilst recuperating from ill-health and you have no idea how much guilt I put on myself for it either!

The only time that time wasting is ok for me, is in pleasurable pursuits, then I can waste lots of time doing those things!  I am a hedonist after all! 

But yes, time wasting is my biggest frustration in life and the idea that my health and now insomnia is getting in the way of so much I want to do, life is short as well – is there any wonder why I am often finding myself suicidal?

I wasn’t suicidal before I got sick, in fact I used to be scared of death – but since being ill and lonely, I often crave it now, in fact some days, on bad days, I want to run towards it!

It’s a huge contrast to how I used to be when I lived with my mother, I wanted to be immortal, wanted to become rich enough to invest in discovering the immortal elixir of life and silly ideas like that!

Rich enough to put in research to life extending sciences!

It’s funny now how I don’t think this way anymore, how I just want to fade away because my body insists on being a time wasting shit head, a bum – I don’t like being a bum – don’t respect bums and hate being one, but I am one and you have no idea how much I loathe it and I am fighting against the odds to stop being one!

But the thing is, there is only so much you can do with four hours sleep and a compromised immune system and an NHS system that constantly fails to support you and poverty to boot!

There comes a time when you think about just giving up…

It’s exhausting trying to fight for the little freedoms of everyday life which almost everyone else seems to take for granted!

Those little things other people take for granted, are just mere dreams to me right now.

Thanks for reading!

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Writing quirks

Everyone has little quirks or things that are unique or unusual to them, some of mine are considered outdated or just plainly weird because of the rigmarole I go through to do things – my way!

One of the best little quirks I have is that I deliberately seek out people to write to as snail mail buddies, I have relatives which still write letters rather than talk to each other on the phone and I have an old school friend which still, to this day, sends me approximately three letters a year just to help keep tabs on each other and make each other feel less lonely.

Unfortunately because we were not sure about the “Heat or eat” crisis this year, Paul and I were both very reluctant to send Christmas cards out to people as that would normally cost us £15 to £20 in postage stamps, for our lot together.  So we agreed on giving out five cards to the people who contact us the most, each.  Unfortunately it meant that I wasn’t a good friend and didn’t keep my friend in mind – which worried her of course, as this would have been unusual behaviour for me.

She sent me a letter which arrived on the 28th December, asking if I was OK and she was scared that I had moved away without telling her my new address, as in my last letter, I had told her Paul and I are separating. 

I got so wrapped up in my worries about Christmas and not sleeping and eating very well, I forgot to give cards to my chosen five people – we did agree that we could only do five people this year each, but I totally forgot mine.

You have no idea how badly I felt about that.

My friend and I share the same name, Tina.  She is a friend I made in my last ever school, I was only in that school for eight months and she is much younger than I.  I was fifteen and she was eleven at the time, we became friends because I helped her against a much older bully, a bully who was a year older than me.  We also became friends because her brother was in the same class as me and she found that my brother’s mother in law lived in the same apartment block as she did – so we kind of never lost touch outside of the four years we did.

But we haven’t physically seen each other in nearly twenty years; we found each other online again at friends reunited around fifteen years ago and she was particularly delighted that I was into scrapbooking and crafts and snail mail – because she is too and we made an online pact to only contact each other this way to keep snail mail tradition alive!

During Covid our letters increased to once a month approximately and when her mother died of Covid it was nearly weekly, it was a comfort for her.

I used to be big on having pen pals on a specialist website until some people started to use it like an alternate way of dating or getting free stickers and craft supplies all the time, so I stopped.

There is nothing like getting a special letter from someone you like in the post, every now and again.  It feels so much more personal and fun.

It makes me feel like a Victorian lady whenever I get a letter in the post and I start writing by hand my reply as soon as I can!

There are three relatives of mine who send me letters to update me on births, marriages and deaths within the family because I am well-known in the family for being the family genealogist and they are eager for me to update the tree – which is great, I love that!  But they don’t always remember to pass on birthdays or give me the surnames of new spouses that are entering the family, which can be annoying!

Last two Christmases we haven’t been able to send cards to people, because of money issues, last year was difficult because Paul was sick with the shingles and couldn’t’ get out much and the year before that money was so tight our Christmas dinner was literally spaghetti on toast compliments from the local food bank, plus we all had the flu.

So there isn’t any wonder then that I only got two Christmas cards this year, the family knows my situation but they don’t seem forgiving of it.

Next year I don’t suppose I will get any except from Tina.

When I move out from Paul’s I will get a P.O box address, to prevent weak-minded relatives updating my parents where I have gone, as they are unreliable like that. 

I have updated relatives about things in my life and it always gets back to my parents because they let me know it has!

I don’t mind if my dad knows, it’s my mother I worry about!  The last thing I want is for her to come knocking on my door of my new home, when she thinks I am there alone – I am not going back to her, no matter what she tries to do!

The other quirk I have is when I want to start writing towards any of my stories. 

I tend to warm my brain up with one to five poems, or play for thirty minutes strategy games online to warm my brain up, then I put the music on and look at picture stimulus of various scenes or fantasy creatures to get me in the mind-set and around an hour after all of this I am in the frame of mine to gently go into the trance like state I need for writing!

Seriously, I have to do it this way – it’s the only way, I need to induce a semi-trance or my work is at best amateur!

An hour’s warm up means that you can tell when I’ve tried to write in five to fifteen minute bursts, because the writing is awful in comparison to the hour long process!

The only alternate ways to get me in the mind-set for writing are, when I immediately wake up as I am still dozy – when I am tired and dozing off – when I’ve just had a great workout routine and the music is on – or right after sex!

To be blunt!

As soon as I have been broken out of this trance like state, if it is longer than thirty seconds, it can take twenty minutes to get back into it again – which is why I become like an angry Italian housewife defending her kitchen, when I write – which can confuse some people when I deliberately pull myself out of the trance to excitedly tell them my idea because it’s so cool – for me to then get back into the flow of writing!

Which is one of the reasons why my insomnia is so bad these days – I am writing when everyone is in bed because nobody respects my writing time anymore.

I am averaging my personal bedtime at 6:30am these days, which means I am hardly getting any sunlight!  Although I’ve always been semi-nocturnal, this is not an ideal lifestyle to have as I am severely missing out on social opportunities and healthful habits such as exercise outdoors and getting fresh air!

I am literally living like a creative vampire right now!

I can survive on five hours sleep, but Paul is worried I am not sleeping enough so don’t bother waking me up at 12 noon anymore, I am literally left until Henry comes home from school till 3:30pm most days – hence why I am becoming less and less active online at my usual times.

Paul gets on Henry’s case about waking me up, it really is like Paul hates having me around the house – which is another reason why I am eager to try and learn things to get me self-employed enough that I can move out.  But as I said before, I can only move out and live alone if I have a dog with me, because my nerves won’t hack it otherwise!

It’s really annoying because before I became sick I was a morning person, up and lively and ready for action at 6am out of the house for a long walk by 8am, exercising and doing chores and doing anything all of the time, until I literally dropped at an average of 11:30pm.

When I got sick Paul literally suffocated me in overprotection and was constantly arguing with me to sit down, take it easy, go back to bed, he gave me and still gives me no motivation to even try to better myself or fight whatever is ailing me!

His attitude is, you are sick, stay in bed and rest until you are better, don’t read, just sleep.  I am sorry but I can’t sleep my life away and all of this is driving me crazy!

This life is driving me crazy!

I am so fucking bored right now!

Sorry, but I have to stop this post as its starting to get me upset again!

Thanks for reading and I apologise for the swearing! 

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Writing & glowing

I am living in nothing but coincidences and synchronicities lately and its making me feel like I am losing my marbles!

I spoke with a friend last night about how I really should get back into writing my novel again because it’s been awhile since I picked up the pen or typed away at my laptop towards a substantial project outside of blogging; then I decided when I woke up today that I was going to write towards my project AD and I managed to get down approximately 1200 words.

Where does the synchronicity lie in that? 

Well, about an hour after I had done that writing I decided I would go on YouTube and watch a weekly reading from one of my favourite YouTubers and she said that this week I am working towards unblocking a big aspect of my life, I am moving forwards whereas before I had a long hiatus and that the cards indicated a lot of wands and page energy in the future, which means a lot of childish, playful and creative energy – and in the past aspect of the reading there was a lot of cups and swords in the reading, which indicated a lot of arguments and emotional turmoil.

This is one of the major reasons why I stopped writing for a while as there was a lot of emotional upset in the family and a lot of arguments and losses; also I have been under eating and under sleeping a lot lately.

On a good day I get five hours sleep without naps and I am eating 1300 calories – those are good days!  My average day looks a lot like 3 hours sleep with two 25 minute naps and 900 calories.

What concerns Paul is my body isn’t going into starvation mode anymore, I am constantly icy cold even with the heating on and I am still losing a steady two pounds a week.

Because of the lack of sleep, I haven’t exercised in nearly 10 days now and I have to say, it has bought back the depression big time!

When I do finally sleep, I wake up with a start because I have heard someone shout my name or shove the bed, only to find there is nothing there.  Or I have woken up because of a nightmare; I am often waking up startled!

I sometimes wonder if it’s because I am meditating a lot lately and not eating enough to stay grounded.  Other practitioners have thought this about me, but you know – I am not so sure, I’ve never eaten after meditation in the past and was fine back then.

Though I think Henry is developing clairvoyant abilities since starting puberty, because he claimed he saw me glowing gold when I was using reiki on his twisted ankle the other day!

He said he never believed in all my magic talk until he saw that and he said “Wow, you really are magical ma”!  I am proud; he actually saw the golden glow I was using to heal his ankle!

When I stopped healing his ankle he was disappointed the glowing stopped, he asked me try and do it again and I did and he saw me glow again.  He was fascinated!

Thanks for reading! 

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No dreamtime respite

I used to look forward to going into dream time because it was a respite from the harsh realities I have to live with; but in recent months, sometimes my dreams are worse than reality.

It seems as though everything in dream time is hyped up into showing me my worst fears or accentuating my deepest worries into something more sinister.

I used to have nightmares like this all the time right up until I was 19, then they faded until only last summer.

Usually the dreams would be symbolic to the problems I was facing in real life, these days, those very problems are very clear and prominent in dream time, and they are no longer hiding in the facades of monsters and giant aggressive animals like when I was a child.  They are for what they are, the people I have the problems with and with the exact concerns I have cropping up into my dream time every single night.

There doesn’t seem to be a safety place anymore, it is gone, dream time was my safe place and it’s betrayed me.

Only last night I dreamt that a person I have problems with in real life, was there, we moved house, but a worse neighbour was waiting for me at that new house, so we decided to move back to our old house.  So, it seemed in this dream that whenever we tried to go back to the less worse problem we would arrive at a cul-de-sac where worse problems and scenarios were turning up to ruin my plans.  Every movement made the whole thing worse at every turn.

Though we are planning to move house when the money to do so comes, we are still keeping the house in a trust for Henry my son.  Henry wants to keep this house in the family, because it has been a part of his father’s family for 64yrs and Henry loves his ancestry and is currently doing a big project at home about his family tree to show his school at the end of the year.  This project was not prompted by his school; this is just something Henry wants to do.

One thing is clear though, I no longer feel there is privacy or safety within my own home anymore; especially when the neighbour causing problems is leaving ladders out in the front garden overnight and won’t listen to Paul when he suggests that maybe not a safe thing to do?

What makes it a whole lot worse is I had insomnia before he became a problem, now I just fear to sleep at all now, hence why I do nothing anymore, no energy!

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A dying spirit

I need to get this off my chest, I apologise if the following becomes a long-winded rant and it is not my intention.

But I simply can’t do it anymore – I cannot live up to other people’s expectations and other peoples idea of what is or is not morally correct or what is or is not true; Everything that I talk about regarding my current life and my past are all true in my eyes, but a lot of people will deny that it is the truth and I can understand why they would lie about that – they are trying to socially protect themselves because they treated me wrong and don’t want the ramifications of how others may perceive them for it.  I appreciate their feelings on this, but I won’t hide the truth, I won’t keep deleting things just because the truth fucking hurts them, they never take into account how much their actions have hurt me so why the fuck am I so bloody accommodating to them?

I have rights too, I have a right to express myself anyway I blooming need to in order to heal.  Living a life of quiet pacification is literally killing me as a person and me as an artist/writer.

Living the life that my previous abusers want me to, is killing the person that I am in every way shape and form that a person can be!

I took on this blog back in winter of 2012 purely as to act as a form of therapy for myself as recommended by my therapist, he suggested I talk freely about everything I want to regarding my life, he recommended that I also use it to bring back the creative person I was again.  It worked until some people found out a few things about my mum they never knew before and they like defensive little minions went and told her and defended her and grouped up on me via telephone and emails to hound me to tell everybody who reads my blog that everything I said was a lie.  They wanted me to lie about the truth I told – they demanded then that I go to London again and at a family gathering literally grovel for my mother’s forgiveness in front of them!  I am quite serious about what I just said; they did demand this of me!

Every time I say something about them on my blog, I do run the risk of anyone in my family still sticking around to read what I am saying, relaying and potentially getting telephone calls and emails again, which is why I had to change the telephone number and we are considering moving because of this, because I can’t be silent anymore.  I need to express everything I have gone through and I feel it is my calling to help others who have gone through the same coercive upbringing as I have, by talking about my past.  A coercion that I was raised in is quite unusual but not unheard of and many people who have experienced this kind of abuse rarely talk about it, because of how violent a large amount of people can get if they hear of it.  You see it is usually lead by one individual who has a large social circle who will act like posse to reign in the abused child if they start getting out of hand or rather, start becoming independent and so-called rebellious to their clique ideologies. 

It rather like living with a mafia minded family with an extended social circle of friends all of whom think alike, like a big extended hive mind. 

This kind of abuse is hard to deal with for a lot of therapists; I have never found one who has been able to help me.  They all suggest that various people of whom have taken a part in controlling me should go and see them, but who the fuck will go up to their abusers and say “you know what?  My therapist wants to see you as I seem relatively stable in comparison to you guys”.  Lol – no one is going to do that and the therapist appreciates that for safety reasons it is probably best not to suggest it.

You know how badly the revelation to my mother has affected me? 

I became for a long time now, primarily a poet who occasionally dips into abstract impressionistic paintings, because I have been scared to talk about anything anymore.  I have even been told that some of my novels I used to write, that the family often used to read, that they see now that some of the things in my fiction work could actually be based on my supposed “poor abused childhood fantasy life”, to a certain extent a few of the themes in my stories are based on my own personal experiences, but I understand enough to know what is true and what isn’t.  That is my fiction.  The stuff I talk about regarding my life is TRUE and I state this quite clearly, the message has not been mixed!

Because I am struggling to appease my abusers so they don’t come back into my life in an aggressive way, I have almost ignored a lot of my creative expression via words and non-fiction posts.  This has led to me becoming so severely depressed that it is affecting my health badly.  I have a lot of problem with mobility of the whole of my left side of the body and I have extreme insomnia and hypersomnia – what I mean is, I can’t sleep for like 30 hours and then when I do I can’t wake up for 15 hours and sleeping comes randomly at any time and once I feel just a tiny bit tired, it is almost like I have collapsed into a coma.  Nobody can wake me up, not even Henry having a tantrum on the bed next to me; it is like I have died!  Quite often, the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is “I hope I die in my sleep – I don’t want to wake up, I don’t like the burden of my memories”.

My appetite is dead, I only eat when extremely hungry now and it is usually just one meal per day and around the side of a sandwich, coincidentally I am losing a huge amount of weight pretty quickly and my hair is around 60% white now.

To say the suppressors are literally killing me by using my own mind against me is an understatement.  I find no joy in anything anymore.  Everything about the sweet, bubbly, fun, obedient, passive, quiet, little Tina everybody once knew is dead.

In trying to force me to be their idea of perfect instead they have made me their idea of a waste of space.

For my health and sanity sake I have to heal the only way I know how.  So I am taking a risk, if they get back into my life again somehow, so be it, I am ready for the repercussions because the alternative is death anyway.  I am going to die someday anyway, why is sooner no better than later?  Would I rather die in secret of how I died and be a mystery to all who knew me forever, or do I want to die in a way where other people can understand me and understand my situation and perhaps, just maybe, stop this from happening to other people?

I know which one I have picked.

The thing is – before they interfered and demanded me to delete and shut up, I was only sharing what I thought was the minor stuff, the stuff that isn’t too big to shout about.  The stuff that is easy for my readers to digest – but now they’ve done this, maybe it is time for the real big stuff, the stuff that makes my therapists cry?  That stuff I kept to myself, that stuff I never revealed and I don’t think people like my big brother, understand there is an even darker side to our mother, than even he realises!

I don’t like talking about that stuff, because I hate remembering the really, dark, dark stuff, but how I express it here, sometimes it comes out sub consciously through my abstract impressionistic art and the images I paint are also not easy to digest for a lot of people.

But I think it is time to just be me in every way shape and form and not hide from myself anymore.  I can’t.  Shutting me away in every way possible is suffocating my spirit and body to death, I need to free myself and that makes taking big scary risks!

Because I am pretty damned sure, since November, my body and spirit is preparing to die.  I am convinced of it and I need to stop this process – not for me, but for my boy.  I care only for him, not these coercive “I have a problem with your life and truth” assholes!  No one can have a bigger problem with my life and truth than ME!  Get over yourselves you control FREAKS!

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Other hobbies

What do I do when I am not writing?

Quite a lot actually, because I don’t write much at all these days; I have lots of ideas for things to write but I think illness has made me lose focus and passion for it.  I was a lot more passionate about writing than I am nowadays.  It is simply because pain distracts me and makes me lose where I am heading – coughing fits and a severely runny nose are the biggest contributors for throwing me off course, yanking me out of the zone, as it were.  As I have said before in many posts, I live with a perpetual chronic cold, with ear, nose and throat infections thrown in.  It isn’t just a sniffle, I wish it were, but I can get through five hundred individual tissues on a bad day, two hundred being the norm for me.

Since the 21st December 2019 the only things I have written are what are on the blog and approximately 5000 words of non-posted works of other things, but nothing contributing to my novels.  Hand written notes of other ideas are not included in this, I am spending more and more time in bed these days as I can barely move.  All these problems are giving me severe insomnia and hypersomnia.  What do I mean by that?  Well I don’t sleep at night, I seem to sleep better during the day, for some reason my chest and sinus is worse at night.  When I do eventually sleep during the day I sleep between 7 and 16 hours in a stretch, to wake up for 2 hours in a choking fit with a dry crusted mouth.  Not a pretty visual I know.  I can go 30 to 40 hours without sleeping, purely because I am too busy clearing mucus from my system.

So it isn’t any wonder why I lack focus and concentration really.

Basically, everything I do when I am not writing, are things I can do at home, in the bedroom.  Primarily with my desktop computer, as I have recently had it moved to the bedroom due to the fact I am often too sick to get downstairs these days and I have moved my laptop downstairs for the rare occasion I am down there for more than an hour.  Because my legs swell a lot sitting at the computer desk, I can only sit here for an hour before I have to rest with legs up for thirty minutes, to get the swelling down, so even if I am on a roll, my ankles start burning and that throws me off course and I have to go and put my feet up.

I read approximately 30 to 80 pages of a book per day and about half a magazine too.  The types of things I read the most are fantasy, sci-fi and comedy fiction with a lot of non-fiction thrown in; the non-fiction I enjoy are self-help books, nutrition books, history books, theological research, mythology, folklore and cultural studies.  My current reading list is Time Song by Julia Blackburn, The Toll by Neal Shusterman and Roy Vickery’s folk flora. 

I do puzzles such as codebreakers, arrow words and gardening magazine crosswords – before my chest got too bad I used to love doing 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles, but it is frustrating having a coughing fit and losing pieces across the room all the time!

If I am not too busy fighting mucus, I get to knit, crochet, sew or practise my recorder and keyboard. 

I watch TV only if there are documentaries I am interested in, I mostly watch Smithsonian and BBC four with some Drama channel thrown in.  I will watch anything with Lucy Worsley, anything about the history of jazz, soul and classical music, nature and wildlife documentaries, documentaries about farming and country life.  I like science too, so I will watch sky at night and space science programs as well as things in the past such as time commanders, gladiators and the occasional wrestling show.  I love comedies, I only watch the comedies on the Drama Channel, but I am picky about which ones to watch.  I like only connect and some quiz and puzzle shows like Countdown, but I don’t watch them all the time.  I have to be in the mood to watch TV and before I was sick I watched around three hours of TV a week, these days it’s about two hours a day.  We never miss Michael McIntyre’s Big Show if we can help it, nor do we tend to like missing gardeners world or shows such as the RHS show, cruft’s and BBC Proms.  I’m pretty old fashioned I suppose for someone who is thirty seven.  I dislike soap operas and drama llama stuff – yes I mentioned the drama channel, but there are three hours a day where it is strictly comedy and I tend to only watch that channel (at the comedy times) or food network when there is nothing else on.  Sometimes I put on a DVD and I will often choose vampires or family animations and comedies. 

The main things I do these days are play games online.  I don’t even socialise that much online anymore, because I lose concentration and people who know me are starting to think I have memory problems.  Because a coughing fit will make me forget what I have said or what I was on about.

The online games that grip me are… Roblox, yes Henry got me onto it and to be honest, Roblox has saved my relationship with my son!  Because I find his kind of games hard to do since becoming sick – Roblox has opened a whole new world for us and we play hide and seek and various other games together.  When Henry is at school, I still sneak onto the site and play bee swarm simulator, Ripull mini games and fairy simulator.  Bee Swarm simulator especially!

Other online games I play are ovipets it is a cute breeding game on facebook and I have been addicted to that for nearly 5yrs. 

Flightrising is another breeding game, but I go in and out of phases with that.  Primarily I have played this for a whole eight months without a break, purely because Henry wants to see what dragons I breed and he loves to name them and do what we call “Dragon Lottery”.  Dragon Lottery is where I look through the offspring possibilities scrying menu to see what will happen if I pair certain dragons up, sometimes I can’t decide, so I make a list of all the best ones that go with my chosen female that day and I number them, then Henry, Paul and I will choose a number from the list and put it through random.org and sometimes someone gets the number right, in which case that person must get a treat of some kind or get to choose to do something; I breed five pairs of dragons every five days, because that is how long it takes for the eggs to hatch and we have a limit of five breeding nests on this game. 

I used to play online scrabble but I have got accused of cheating because I know too many unusual words.  I don’t cheat on that game, I don’t see what purpose that serves other than the joy of creating misery on another person who loses and I am not a vindictive person like that.  I really do have a broad vocabulary, though I rarely use it outside of scrabble and I love doing anagrams for fun, so I see a lot of seven letter words and I am a dictionary and language addict, so I know words that are weird to normal people.  Here is a list of words I know for high scoring on scrabble, which have got me accused of cheating when used previously – plus, I have read books written by scrabble champions.

ZEBU – QAT –  QUARE – SEQUIN – AWK – EUOI – AIA – QI – KIMCHI – VEX – VAV – TAV – EAU – UVEA – AEON – OXIDE – POXY – QIN – QINTAR – FATWA – QABALA – QADI – SJOE – KHAKI – EUOUAE to name but a few.  I have to admit I was shocked when SEQUIN was considered a questionable word, the others I can understand, but I was sure almost everyone knew what sequins were?

I love words and word play so much I have considered about having a word of the week thing, but I am unreliable with keeping to things like that, as you can clearly see from past efforts or lack of.

Other than sketching with pencils or sharpies in bed and/or colouring in and story planning, I don’t do much else on a bad day.  On a good day I can add about an hour of light gardening to the list but not much else anymore.

I’m pretty boring I suppose, by my peers.  I can’t even cuddle the rabbit lately because I cough too much it terrifies the poor thing!  I suppose I sound like some big barking bear or something to the poor creature.

I have gone out to the doctors and walked past dogs when I am like this and the dogs think I am barking at them, they react accordingly, it is embarrassing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2.5 hours sleep

Having only 2.5 hours sleep last night, I am quite surprised at how my brain is on top form this morning; something that’s been a struggle for over eighteen months now.   I scored 821 points in online scrabble and I’ve written over one thousand words before noon that’s going to be published on my blog, this is a record for me as I tend to linger over one thousand words in a whole day that’s usually utter rubbish and will never be published anywhere.

The post I wrote for my blog will be published on the 8th August so keep an eye out for it as there is something in this post that will be the main theme for that day.

That is…

As a writer I procrastinate profusely because I am overloaded with more ideas that actually knuckling down to work. I get an average of two novel or short story ideas a day and I have over seven large files containing just ideas, some of these ideas have been with me since I was ten years old and they are so vast (as in an epic series) that I can’t actually believe that anyone would actually want to publish all that drivel without severely abridging my work (insert pained expression here).

One of the main reasons why I have been afraid of professional success has been that an editor will come along and say to me; “cut this out and this and this and this” and I will be standing there agape and aghast that they dare think that they are gods of my worlds! Demons of apocalypse, back away from my creations you heinous, cruel, heartless reapers of my poor innocent imaginary friends, BACK AWAY NOW! (Holds up baseball bat in defence of my many worlds). Oh, OK, maybe I can kill a few darlings as Stephen King would suggest in his book “On Writing”, but it will be painful and they will be mourned by no one else except for me. Damn being a writer is depressing.

Anyway, focusing back onto this subject – I’ve tried to force myself to concentrate on one main story for the last few years and you know what? I don’t think my brain can work that way. I think I need to have many stories on the go at once, I know when I used to be like that I was more productive as a whole and I was told by a college lecturer (of GCSE English Literature) that if I want to be a writer I should focus on one story at a time or else I will become confused and so will my readers. Actually thinking back I think this is bullshit because as a writer I do more than just write my work, I actually read my own work too and edit to the best of my ability – so what utter tosh.

Since 2002 I’ve been working on a fantasy comedy based around some drunk leprechauns, I have the beginning, middle and end, but I have got bored with it seven chapters on because of computer faults deleting most of it with corrupt files etc., after four occasions where this happens and you have no hard copies you get a little disheartened with the story and start to wonder if the story is bad luck, don’t you? Well I do.

Anyway, between writing the leprechaun comedy, I’ve been writing snippets for an epic vampire series – something I’ve been working on since I was ten years old, god I love vampires.

The vampire stories will never be neglected, they are always added to at least once a week, even if it’s just a sentence, they will never be forgotten, because to me, they are my family and I will defend these stories the most if I ever feel brave enough to trust them with a publisher.

Over the years, before I started to concentrate on just one or two, I had started two dystopian stories, a comedy about a female wrestler, a comic about a cat, a comic about a sex crazed astronaut nun, a comic about dominant women invading a planet for mates, a crazy millionaire woman who kills herself after committing murder, a novel about a plague survivor, cowboy vampires, and a console addict sucked into a computer world – to name but a few.

Some of those ideas I gave up because I found similar books or movies during the writing of them by accident and was concerned of plagiarism, but having original ideas is difficult – so therefore I may start some of them up again and do them anyway soon.

No matter what genre I write, I don’t think I can help but have some humour in my stories – I would not be at all surprised if I eventually get coined as a crossover author for horror, fantasy and comedy.

I am starting a horror novel today, based on the advice of my husband and the fact that I am enthusiastic about it and it’s fresh in my mind – so, here I go…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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