Tag Archives: health

Push or die?

I will not be participating in Inktober this year due to lack of supplies and lack of money to buy new supplies.

I will not ask for a crowdfund for Inktober, I have had friends online suggest I do this, but I am uncomfortable with that.  Also, I don’t think I’d have the time between now and my deadline to do four hours of artwork per day on top of it all.

I am having a hard time emotionally in the last few weeks, lots of bad news in the family, near and far. 

Really, instead of sticking to my deadline I should take a couple of weeks off everything but housework and child rearing to recuperate; but I set this goal and I won’t forgive myself unless it is accomplished, even if I don’t get an agent like I want to, at least I can say I did try on my set timeframe.

I will miss doing Inktober, I enjoy this event every year and I tend to do my best artwork during those times (autumn theme is the best), but this year I just can’t manage the time to do it.

I am juggling my own mental health problems along with my son’s problems and Paul’s stress about the heat or eat crisis here in the UK as well as general family grief over the diagnosis of cancer of two relations, the death of a cousin and the loss of a child friend who recently broke her back horse-riding and has to live for several months in a hospital fifty miles away and my own yet to be diagnosed neurological issue.

Henry’s issues are existential, he is having gender crisis issues and is suicidal because he wants to be both genders at the same time, but is being severely bullied at school over it as well as his very elaborate fashion tastes, a penchant for pink, faux fur and glitter as well as tailored clothing; it isn’t so bad, but he is being picked on because of his surname and the fact that he speaks excellent King’s English – in other words he is quite posh for the area.

The bullies threw sticks and stones at the house at the start of the year, the police had to deal with it.

It is hard to manage his behaviour at times, because he is constantly punishing himself physically and it is exhausting to constantly be his sentinel to watch him and physically stop him harming himself.  Paul blames Dobby from Harry Potter for him starting this, because before Henry got into Harry Potter, he’d never harm himself.  Although people find Dobby funny, living with a child who is re-enacting what Dobby does is far from humorous, it’s downright blooming scary, especially when the child starts punching himself in the chest during dinner and forgetting he has a knife and fork in his hands!

This is not the reason however, that Paul and Henry often argues with each other over, on the contrary, it’s almost everything, they see eye to eye on very little.

For me it is mostly mental exhaustion, because Henry is particularly challenging lately.  I am also exhausted because I have no social life and the only person I have to talk to is exhausted both physically and mentally to the extent we hardly talk more than twenty minutes per day together alone anymore – Paul.

I haven’t written towards my novel since the 20th September 2022, hopefully by this posts scheduled date I’d have written more towards it, but it is difficult. 

I am trying to keep myself active in some kind of creativity though, mostly poems and scheduling blog posts, reading about how to structure different kinds of poetry and learning about screenwriting, just to keep doing something to keep me sane.

But I have to say, I am struggling to make sense about anything and I am pretty sure in a couple of months’ time, when things have calmed down a bit more and I re-read this month’s posts, I will wonder where the heck my mind was all through these weeks?

A couple of friends of mine have DM me who are already published authors, they believe because of my stressful time and because it is generally a bad time of the year for finding representation, that I should hold off until February – but I am debating this.

You see, I fully want to approach an agent before Christmas, because I’ve planned it for so long.  January I will start my YouTube channel and I will look into affiliate programs and my blog will become more focused too, with photographs of me and my artwork etc.

I am determined that life starts at forty and I am forty on the 3rd October 2022.

Paul is super stressed out by my proclamation of starting a new life in October, because he sees his cup as half empty and doesn’t see how I am able to do all my plans for a new life, when we can’t pay our heating bills and our food budget is going to be halved from next month. Remember I’ve said in the past I don’t go to doctor appointments anymore, because we can’t afford the taxi fare, well, whether I am sick or not from next month or onwards, I can only go now in a life or death situation, meaning I am neglecting myself medically all the more!

It’s that or food, or it used to be like that – now its the doctor, food or heating and we’re choosing food right now, we’ve stocked up on hot water bottles and over the years we’ve bought fleece blankets, thank goodness!

But I say, financially our lives will improve from January, because I am stubborn and I will make something happen, I am not like Paul – I don’t like making do and I don’t like making excuses for being in poverty, I don’t whine and sit back hoping for someone to give me a leg up.

I was bedbound sick for years, but I eventually got a little better and now able to do more around the house – but still not strong enough for my January plans – but still, I am going to force it, because I can’t stand this life!

I refuse to tolerate it any longer!

Paul has convinced himself our relationship is over once I get published, because he doesn’t see why I would want to stick around, it’s almost like he is pushing me away these days.

My choice is to push myself out of the mud no matter what the pain or the embarrassment or commit suicide; one or the other and I chose life!

Happy reading…

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I am exhausted

For the past few weeks it has been a mentally exhausting time for me and my whole family; Some people from my past have been trying to contact me again and I have learned recently that two relatives on my side of the family have cancer, and understanding that more distant relations are also suffering loss; along with this I have been trying to manage my sons increasing anxieties and screaming matches between him and his father amongst other things, such as the house falling apart, quite literally due to storm damage and damp.

All of it has taken its toll on my physical health and unusually I have been sleeping eleven to thirteen hours a day and still unsatisfied with the rest.  Consequently for the past five days in particular, I have not written a word towards any novel and this is going to severely affect my chosen deadline.

Paul would like me to stick to my deadline but also understands that I should not push myself to do it by the deadline, because my mental health and mental growth is more important – however, I have people waiting for my work and that gives me a sort of pressure.

Also my perfectionism drives me to the point of insanity and if I make a statement about doing something by some self-imposed deadline, I am merciless even to myself if I fail it.

What is frustrating about all of this is the mental bashing has come at a time when physically I was showing big signs of improvement because of the high protein diet and small activities I have been doing as well as giving up the caffeine. 

It is almost like bad luck is queuing up, waiting their turn.

I told Paul recently that I feel like I am cursed, or that I have somehow cursed him because he had a wonderful family and a sort of happy life before he met me and slowly his life is going the downward spiral I have.

It’s like I am an unlucky penny.

I have to say, it’s one of the many reasons I don’t like to get close to new people, because I really do think I bring them bad luck.  However, take me to a casino and you wouldn’t believe it, I have been used as a good luck trophy at those places in the past for good reason!

My grandma in particular loved me tagging along with her at bingo and casinos, because she would regularly win large prizes and a couple of exes owe big wins to me too; but in everything else though, I seem to doom people who live with me to a hard life.

I noticed it only affects people I live with if the people are happy with stagnation, so maybe it’s not me after all?  I noticed people with an ambitious drive for life etc; seem to do better around me than those who are happy as they are.  I don’t know, but it does affect my confidence somewhat.

I need people in my life who is energised by positivity and excitement on a consistent basis, that the more positive energy and drive the person they live with has, the more they have – but I noticed some people are different, some people get the energy from me for a short time, love being around me, but to live with me drains them and then consequently they drain me.

It’s a strange phenomenon.

Paul is convinced I am an anomaly, that there are very few people like me who can have consistent positive energy without falling apart eventually.

I am drained by stagnation and people who make do.

Gosh I sound bad.

Well in any case, at the moment I am drained and I am finding it hard to keep my positive outlook and that is affecting productivity.

I am beginning to think that October 21st was a bad idea, I should have kept with my instinct of the 23rd of January, but I believe I got a little cocky, thinking that being firm with everyone in my household would make people back off each other and I could be more productive.  Instead, some people have used this against me in order to become worse. 

Henry in particular openly confessed to me he doesn’t want me to be successful and potentially famous because that would mean he would become famous too and he doesn’t want that.  This is a major reason why Henry has been trying to be sick from school a lot, even becoming bulimic in the process to be sent home from school because of the vomiting factor, and so he understands whilst he is at home I cannot write because of the screaming matches between him and his father, who is home all day too.

Often I try to diffuse the screaming matches to no avail, because it just seems to make things worse, no matter how calm and collective I try to be.  The both of them are as bad as each other and so often I sit there just watching them scream at each other, because most of the time they don’t hear me anyway.

It did work, me being in the bedroom writing on my laptop for a couple of days, but Henry started to scream louder to the extent he nearly lost his voice, just because he wanted to disturb me.  He then started to sit outside the bedroom whilst I wrote, in order to play his robot wars with the loudest commentary he could muster.  This is what I am trying to work around; I have little support from Paul who seems to be falling apart at the seams in every single way right now.

It’s exhausting because it is almost constant now.

I have learned to write when they go to Tesco’s forty five minute bursts every three days, not enough.

I am trying to get a handle on my physical health so I can go to a café to write, because really, even the nosiest café in town is quieter than here and this house is getting a reputation in the street in being the mad house, because neighbours can clearly hear what the yelling is exactly about, it’s that bad!

They’ve even asked if I still live there as they noticed I am the quietest person here and they rarely hear me!

I can’t afford to sit in a café daily, but even if it’s twice a week I’d get more work done there than I would here, but I need to walk there and I need a while to get strength back into my legs.  Because I have been bedbound and housebound sick for years, it has taken me nearly three months of small exercises to be able to stand in the kitchen for fifteen minutes, whilst preparing a fruit salad for myself.  So it will be at least another three to six months before I can walk to Tesco café.

I am not putting off the deadline that long.

But it does mean I have to do unsociable habits; sleeping during the day, so I can write at night.  Waking 11am sometimes 1pm to sleep by 2am only gives me ninety minutes a day, but it’s something.  But it does depend on how exhausting that evening has been.

I am trying hard to pull Henry away from the laptop and robots in order to do something with him that won’t provoke screaming matches between his father and him, but it’s a task to get the boy doing anything else.

I am thinking about going into credit again to buy a shed/office for the garden, but honestly I can’t think about doing that until one debt is completely paid off in March.  If I am still struggling by March, I would have to consider it strongly, so I can work on my novels.

It drives me nuts not being able to write as fast as I want to, even resorting to taking hearing aids out and sitting with cotton wool in my ears, they still manage to penetrate that and I am completely deaf in one ear and 30% hearing in the other; but as I said, they scream loud enough for the street to hear the conversations.

I really don’t say it lightly.

I am knackered.

Happy reading!

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100 things of joy

This post exists because I am trying very hard to buck myself up, heal myself mentally and find a purpose in life other than just what other people tell me my purpose is.

Since becoming bedbound and housebound sick around eight or nine years ago, I slowly fell into a depression that lead to suicidal thoughts and I forgot how to feel happy; even certain hobbies I used to love, no longer bought me joy and because of lack of space and money, those things diminished more and more to the point that I no longer had a way in feeling even the slightest bit of joy.

A majority of the things that bought me happiness was physical activity, I love sport, I love exercise, but my illness made me slow down to the point of stagnation.

Slowly I am rebuilding my health, I have a new diet which is helping me get there halfway but I am out of practise in moving my body in general and so I am starting the slow process to get my mobility back – it’s going to take months, if not a couple of years to get to the level I would like!

I have been watching a lot of Mel Robbins videos lately, instead of honing my writing skills and learning about graphic novels like I said I was going to; because I felt I couldn’t market myself or do things confidently unless I was actually feeling confident and capable.  Mel Robbin’s videos on YouTube are helping me find my capabilities in baby steps.

One of the things was to learn to find ten things that bring me joy or excitement and try to do three of them about once a week each; instead I decided I like a lot more variety so I spent three hours last night just sitting down thinking about one hundred things that bring me joy, happiness and excitement and wrote them down, with the goal of trying to do three a week.

Although Paul was disappointed I didn’t add any word count to any of my current projects whilst I did this, he did agree that this list needed to exist too and that my mental health is just as important as my writing, if not more so!

So here is my list, unfortunately many of the below cannot be done until either finances improve for me to travel, get a dog or get the fitness level I need to do them, but there are plenty things in my list that work well for a sedentary impoverished life, it was just my task to try and find them!

Now these things below really do make me happy, relaxed, confident, excited and I can spend hours doing any of these activities below – ironically you won’t find much about writing down there, because I lost my joy of writing a few years back and I have been trying very hard to get it back!

Writing is literally a job now, or it will be once I start getting paid for it, but it is not something I would say brings me joy these days and I know why!  Writing bought me joy when I was brainstorming my ideas with friends and family, but there is no one available to me in recent years to do that with other than Paul and Paul lacks the enthusiasm I used to get from people of my past.

An asterisk in the list means there is an obstacle for me at the moment for the thing I wrote down. 

Some of the things with asterisks are things I used to do before there were obstacles and I miss them.

So let’s show you the list…

  1. Writing vampire stories even though the world hates them! One of the major reasons why I don’t get much other writing done in my other genres and projects, spending too much time with my vampires.
  2. Gardening * I have a really obnoxious neighbour who is abusive so I don’t do it anymore
  3. Reading in the garden on a swing hammock or by a pond *same as above
  4. Playing with dogs and training them * don’t have a dog anymore but working on getting one when finances improve
  5. Painting
  6. Carboot sales * can’t travel to them, they are out of a bus route
  7. Watching vampire, demon and mafia movies
  8. Watching aquarium or pond fish * don’t have either of those things yet
  9. Cooking for people * Paul worries too much about me not coping that I find it difficult to cook without interference, we argue about it frequently
  10. Board and card games with 3+ people
  11. Drama classes and amateur theatre * at the moment there are other things I need to work on before taking this hobby back up again!
  12. Practising musical instruments
  13. Shopping * finances need improvement can even be daring with an extra £2.50 these days! 
  14. Visiting libraries
  15. Visiting garden centres * none within a bus ride even if I just window shopped
  16. Going to parks, gardens and woods
  17. Going to museums * none in bus ride I haven’t exhausted
  18. Brainstorming my creative ideas with a group * don’t have a trustworthy group again yet
  19. Swimming  & diving * can’t afford the fee for the local centre
  20. Doing tarot readings for people
  21. Having picnics
  22. Rowing on lakes * no rowing lakes nearby, no one to row with and I can’t be the only rower, because sometimes my carpal tunnel syndrome or my arthritis flares up, my arthritis is worse in my left shoulder than anywhere else! 
  23. Rock pooling * nowhere local to my knowledge to do it
  24. Playing with sand
  25. Painting stones and pebbles
  26. Making prisms
  27. Watching horse racing * no one likes to do this with me yet
  28. Watching cruft’s and other dog sport events
  29. Watching gymnastics
  30. Watching rugby
  31. Watching wrestling * can’t afford subscription tv to see them and it’s on too late here in the UK so often miss it
  32. Halloween preparations and parties
  33. Firework displays and parties
  34. BBQ parties
  35. Going to the Severn Valley steam railway * finances need improvement
  36. Whipsnade zoo & picnics * can’t get there easily and I like large picnics with lots of people
  37. Zip wires – the longer the better!
  38. Trampolining * need more fitness first
  39. Netball * same as above
  40. Arcades * financial improvement needed first
  41. Pub lunches * same as above
  42. Going to musical theatres * same as above, also a willing companion needed! 
  43. Going to circuses * same as above
  44. Going to fetes, country fairs and fairgrounds * same as above
  45. Learning new languages
  46. Giving and receiving massages
  47. Research for my stories
  48. Upcycling things * same as above
  49. Playing darts * don’t have a dart board anymore
  50. Snuggling with people and pets * not even my rabbit likes to snuggle cries*
  51. Building cushion forts * no room, not enough cushions for fort making
  52. Playing Ovipets online
  53. Playing console games * TV broke and the ones we have don’t have the thingys according to Paul
  54. Word games, particularly with other people
  55. Tae Bo workouts * need to get fit again first to do the proper 45 minute work out
  56. Singing * people complain too much in this house
  57. Belly dancing and watching belly dancers * I’d love to try and dance them someday too, if I ever become a published author or famous enough, I’d like to be invited to come dancing, one of my fantasies! 
  58. Watching tango, paso doble and flamenco dances
  59. Reading books on culture, religion and mythology
  60. Charity work and volunteering * can’t get to places lately
  61. Daydreaming on long car journeys * – I don’t talk on long car journeys, sorry! Also we don’t have a car and there is no one to take me for a ride! 
  62. Long over ground train journeys – again I don’t talk much on those, unless it’s about the scenery or if its urban sceneries then I’d have my nose in a book!
  63. Blowing bubbles for myself but it is more fun with dogs and babies! 
  64. Hand making things with children
  65. Organising children’s parties
  66. 1000 piece or bigger jigsaw puzzles – like to have one set up all the time!
  67. Watching the RHS show
  68. Reading gardening and fashion magazines * had to give up four subscriptions recently, can’t afford them anymore
  69. Looking for hag stones and other things in nature
  70. Being inside the darkness of dense mossy woodlands, meditating * the local place is too dangerous now as there are too many avalanches into the lake it’s sealed off!  Need to find another dense mossy woodland elsewhere! 
  71. Playing swing ball * don’t have one anymore and not doing it with that neighbour around – found out recently that they aren’t leaving after all because he spent the deposit money to move behind his wife’s back!  I think the whole neighbourhood heard that screaming match!
  72. Walks on frosty mornings – weather permitting
  73. Walks particularly at the top of hills at dawn or dusk taking pictures!  * Can’t get up the hill in Quarry Park since 2015, working on trying to get fit for it again
  74. Moon bathing… yes it’s a thing!
  75. Watching the local bats flying around
  76. Midnight walks at full moons especially but never alone! *
  77. Photographing wildlife and plants
  78. Baking
  79. Sugar crafting
  80. Making soups and casseroles for people
  81. Making seasonal decorations
  82. Running and jogging with dogs * don’t have a dog currently and not fit enough anymore, but trying to get it all back!
  83. Watching short movies and art movies
  84. Whittling or carving art into wood with knives
  85. Designing clothes, especially ball gowns
  86. Playing marbles
  87. Playing jacks
  88. Flower arranging and making elaborate arrangements especially for formal occasions!
  89. Making puppets or soft toys for kids
  90. Having an Indian head massage
  91. Motivating others
  92. Walking in the summer light rain
  93. Writing in cafes *
  94. Making wands, staffs and homemade natural weapons
  95. Learning new skills, that are fun
  96. Playing the discus
  97. Playing Frisbee with dogs and children
  98. Strategic war games
  99. Collecting specific things – buttons, dragons, seeds, books, trump cards & crystals
  100. Knitting for people * brings on my carpal tunnel syndrome if I knit more than fifteen minutes a time

Happy reading everyone!

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Filed under About Me

Baby steps to fitness

The high protein diet seems to be helping me a lot in my health, though I have had a couple of bad days this week I have noticed my asthmas is improving, whether that is coincidental or not I don’t know.

I am trying to get three minute exercises in about three times a day, because I am doing this from being housebound and bedbound sick for the past eight or nine years, so baby steps!

I started around two months ago squatting for fifteen seconds as that was the most I could do before I got shaky and felt pain, but I have now progressed to being able to squat for up to three and sometimes four minutes now. 

This progressed to me getting up from a chair and sitting down again twenty times in a row twice a day as well, to now being able to do that around eighty times before I need to rest.

Five days ago I added a new exercise to the three times a day thing, that is the weight shake, I can’t do more than twenty five seconds per arm at the moment and I am getting shakiness in my arms again, because they are not used to being used – but I am trying my best to strengthen myself up a bit.

Though Paul is concerned that I have complained of shock pains in my right arm, meaning that my carpal tunnel syndrome could show up again soon, if I don’t slow down a bit.

I haven’t started going out for walks yet, but that’s next on the agenda, perhaps in a week or two.

I have been trying to force my body to use to the idea that I want to be athletic again, even though in reality I am still quite sick, I am trying to force my body to get better. 

I am also working hard in cosmic ordering on all areas of my life, so with my new found positive approach to life, I should get there!  I won’t say hope, because that sends signals to the universe that I want to feel like being hopeful about things and so things won’t change and they must change!

Happy reading!

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Overcoming my obstacles

I am taking on a lot of new challenges lately all at once, Paul thinks I shouldn’t have done so much at once or at least tried to, but it’s just me all over – in at the deep end, always.

As well as trying to do the writing deadline for the 21st October 2022, I am also trying many new things to improve my health – one major thing which is leaving me zomped, is losing my reliance on caffeine.

I have a thirty five year caffeine addiction thanks to my lazy mother, who got me into cola drinks and Lucozade around the age of 5 for convenience sake! 

As a child I was too short to get drinks for myself because the sink was too high up and she doesn’t believe in the health benefits of bought mineral water or fruit juices and didn’t want me climbing on a step to do it either, so a lot of the time I went without water and diluted fruit juice drinks – instead, she kept a cupboard low enough for me to have access to drinks and snacks for myself whenever I liked, so long as it didn’t bother her – those drinks and snacks were cans upon cans of Pepsi, cola and bottles of Lucozade, the snacks were crisps, biscuits, bite size chocolates and cakes to my little heart’s content.

When I was nine a neighbour kid I befriended taught me how to climb up on the cabinets safely, but by then I was already addicted to caffeine.

When I first moved in with Paul, Paul was horrified to discover I had an addiction to Pepsi and cola in general so much so, that I was drinking an average of 3 litres a day with three coffees on top!

That’s how bad it was!

In recent years I have bought it down to just one or three glasses per day, which is still bad, but I am fighting a thirty five year addiction here! 

On the 20th of August I decided to go cold turkey and not put coffee, cola or Pepsi to my lips at all – the result is extreme tiredness and a permanent headache as well as the general shakiness and blemish outbreak which is resulting in my detoxification process!

I guess I am cheating in a way, because I have a chocolate flavoured protein shake round twice a week, but the calories are less and so is the caffeine in comparison to what I was consuming!

Because of how crap I feel at the severely reduced caffeine intake, I have gone into a quiet depression, which is making it hard for me to be online – as I am getting tearful whenever someone is nice to me.

Basically I have been quiet on twitter because I need to get a grip!

Along with Henry being home from school until the 7th September and going cold turkey from caffeine, I have to admit, I am struggling to do anything productive whatsoever other than stare at the TV not taking in what I am watching and basically feeling in a state of exhausted shock!

I never knew that caffeine can do this to someone, when they stopped!  Emotionally I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster, I feel highly stressed, crying at the drop of a hat and generally feel like I am going to die because of the palpitations I seem to be getting since stopping the caffeine!

Why am I doing this to myself?  To get healthier!

Am I deliberately trying to put obstacles in the way of my deadline – NO!  Paul has asked me this and it is definitely a NO!

I have started to do this because Pepsi in particular is becoming far too expensive for us these days and it is that or food – plus, I am doing it because it is starting to give me stomach ache whenever I drink it!

As for my October 21st Deadline – I know I won’t make it for the graphic novel main project I am working on, because I have chosen to do the art myself for it!

The novel I will be approaching publishers for is going through what I hope to be its last draft between the 7th September and the 21st October and that is going to be my debut novel – I hope!  It is a Christmas fantasy.

I need about another three to six months to hone my art skills enough for me to be able to feel confident that I can do the art myself! 

The problem comes at the fact that each picture can take me ninety minutes to six hours to complete!

Paul said this is ridiculous, this will mean that your AD project is going to take you two years to do all the pictures you’ve got planned in this list! 

OK, I realise that, but I had the idea that if I did just one picture of each character and gave this to another artist as an idea of the style I want, then that will drastically cut the time down – won’t it?

Well that’s my reasoning behind it anyhow!

Paul is very disappointed that project AD is not going to be my first; he had hoped the second one would be D1, but it’s not that either, it’s CS, my Christmas story.

D1, I am unhappy at the ending.

AD, I want to do the art.

CS is easier to get out faster as I have no interest in doing the art for that and I just want it to be a novella.

SP is another one of my current projects, but that is even more complexed than AD and there are at least twelve novels in that series and a series of that size is not a good debut risk for any publisher!

I could send out one of my finished vampire novels by the deadline, but again, they are a huge series or rather saga series, that I don’t have time to write them fast enough to sate a publisher or agent just yet!

I could do one of my two horrors, which are standalones, but at the moment the Christmas story is fresher in my mind!

I had thought just to sate people who believe I am not really a writer, that I should just choose one of my series to post on my blog, just to show you the work and can and do, do – but then Paul said what if it turns out to have been potentially a bestseller, then you’ve shot yourself in the foot all for the sake of naysayers!

Then I thought – he’s right, they’d love that, wouldn’t they?

I did think though, about turning some of my old poems into short stories for the blog and eventually my YouTube channel as mini art movies.

That idea is actually very exciting to me!

Happy reading everyone!

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Body whispering

My diet is reverting and it’s great!  It’s not a diet for weight loss, it is a diet based on my old principles. 

I have known for several years that I have a protein metabolism; something that Paul never took too seriously.  This is based on a book I read around seventeen years ago called “The metabolic typing diet” by William L. Wolcott and Trish Fahey; because Paul didn’t want to cater towards the foods I was used to for whatever reason, I as I always do, compromise what I want for being easy on others, so this meant that I increasingly ate a high carb diet.

This did not affect my weight at all, but I believe it did affect my health.  I became really sick regarding eating and digesting food for quite a while to the extent I got out of the habit of eating food at regular intervals primarily because of digestive pain and the inability to keep things down!

Recently I was told by a doctor that I have no allergies or intolerances whatsoever like Paul believed I had – it is likely the big bouts of pain I have are due to IBD flare ups, because it would seem I would still have days like that, no matter what I was avoiding.

So, I have gone back into a normal for a human type diet – but I wanted to empathise to Paul about my dietary past, before I moved in with him and how I believe that I am not getting the right fuel for my metabolic type.

Just because he is worried about the lack of food I am in taking for the past couple of years and how sick I have been over the years, he has decided to cave into what he believes is this fad idea and he has been surprised at how my appetite is increasing and it has only been six days into the diet.  This post was written on the 24th August, after some friends are still concerned online that I am not eating enough.

You see this change of diet I am undergoing was actually exactly what I ate before I moved in with him, thirteen years ago!

Since going onto a high protein diet, my appetite is coming back and I am regaining energy and I have already noticed a significant change in my skin, despite this, the caloric intake is not as high as you’d expect, I am now averaging 1900 a day, which is a vast improvement from an average of 1000 and not keeping it down! 

Since my energy levels are improving, I have noticed that I am starting to get more energy to help around the house again and I am not shaky when I do physical activities anymore.

I knew my body very well, I used to be athletic, I used to go on nine mile walks a day, I would do weight training in the evenings, walk a dog, practise the swing ball, do my tae bo exercises twice a day and was always begging people to play netball, ping pong, darts or rounder’s with me.  I had a mostly lethargic social group, but I motivated some of them!

Oh and I loved swimming, a true water baby – I can’t sit on the side of the pool, that’s not me, I love to dive right in there and get bratty like a kid if I am asked to get out of the pool!  I think it’s because my inner child likes to think herself as a mermaid when she is in there!

I learned to know my metabolic type; I felt it is vital for everyone to learn that – because one man’s food is another man’s poison.  You might very well love munching down on crudités, but if you were built for protein, you need to make sure that the vegetables you are consuming are high in protein; there are more than you think!

I poisoned myself for the sake of convenience and I believe it’s what nearly killed me!

I don’t do well on high carbs or high fat and lots of people have the misconception that high protein means high fat, not at all, it depends on the type of protein you are putting into your body!

I have seen such a vast improvement lately that I believe this time next week; I’ll be able to do some kind of light exercise again.

But at the moment my body is going through a healing process, where I feel that whilst I am getting the building blocks into my system, I need a bit of rest.  I can sense my body asking me to slow down and take it easy – don’t leap into anything just yet and I am not going to ignore that!

One habit I never got out of when my diet became high carb was that I never got lulled into the habit by Paul of drinking mostly coffee or tea; I still stuck to three pints of water a day with a green tea, even though for years I did lose my daily cranberry juice, but I’ve got that back too!  Yay!

Most people sneer at someone like me as they see a fat sick person and don’t realise that they are actually more switched on about nutrients, metabolism, dieting and exercise than the average Joe.  Looks are very deceiving my dears, I wasn’t like this in my past!  I got fat due to illness; I actually have a natural propensity for building muscle quite quickly – I don’t need to exercise as much as the average person as I bulk quite quickly.  I suppose I am fortunate for that.

I think the one main thing that bought Paul around to my way of thinking was the fact that I told him, he doesn’t have to change his diet for me, but now I am turning forty in October I really need to ramp up the protein as I will start losing muscle mass at a quicker rate and really it could happen faster for me, because of my rheumatic arthritis. 

In fact, eating a high protein diet could stop my muscle wasting so fast because of it too; this is something a friend told me online.  She is an over fifties body builder and she’s been helping me get back on track with how I used to be!

I am also a natural hourglass shape, my waist has always been unusually small, and my bone frame is considered petit by the doctors, which has always worried them when I gained weight. 

I am also planning to get back into exercising for my shape, with “escape your shape” by Edward Jackowski, which I loved twenty years ago and really helped me sculpt my body the way I like it!  I am also 5ft 8.

So, these are the changes happening in my life right now.

My digestive health is certainly starting to feel like it is stabilising and I was told by my friend that my immune health should right itself in a few weeks’ time too!

I hope so!

It’s challenging with our budget, but I hope we can manage it!

Happy reading!

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Visuals & symbolism

Passions are what makes people succeed, a lot of people make presumptions about my passions because they observe things that I allow them to see, but ultimately they are wrong.

I am mostly stimulated by visuals, it is agonising to write, but I have no confidence in my art and drawings. 

People think that being a writer I write because writing is my passion – not so, what drives me to write is the prospect of the art whether in movies or paintings.  I like visuals a lot.  I often speak with Paul about how I wish I was a better artist and a faster one, so that I can draw the scenes I see in my head and then just write snippets of what those images are about.

But in my opinion my art is naff, but my writing is good.

I really want to be the artist behind my graphic novels I am working on, but I just can’t make the grade I have set for myself, for that to make me feel yes it is complete and it is wonderful… you know?

You should know that a lot of people are confident in my ability as an artist, but I am not.  Because my art is not exactly how I see it in my head; my art is too cartoon and manga like, when I want my art to reflect more realism or at least CGI quality.  Talking of which, I don’t do digital art – which would make the CGI concept actually happen, but I am trying to create CGI quality artwork manually! 

I have never learned to do digital art; I wouldn’t even know where to start other than Photoshop.

So yeah, laugh at me, because I laugh at myself regarding this too!  So why not!  Haha!

The writing is wonderful, I don’t fault it much and I am not being cocky either, I am proud of what I have written so far – but I am disappointed in my artistic ability to provide the visuals for it.

For me, writing is a painful and often stressful experience when piecing ideas together – but when I am researching and brainstorming it’s one of the best things ever! 

Writing for fifteen to twenty five minutes stretches, feels like two hours and I often feel drained after doing it, I often need exercise or something to wake me up from it! 

Doing art on the other hand is the only thing in my life where my attention span hasn’t got in the way – for some reason or another I can paint for six hours and then feel that I’ve only done it for half an hour and I always come away from the work feeling happy and energised – the same with music!

Unfortunately I can’t afford my supplies, so I can’t work on art every single day like I really want to!  I just can’t afford it!  I don’t think you really realise just how bad things are for me here, we often rely on charity support and it’s going to get worse between now and November.

Other than visual stimulus my other stimulus used to be sound – but around seven or eight years ago I caught an infection which had permanently reduced the hearing in my only functioning ear, which means there are many sounds I can no longer hear, including certain beats and instruments in my favorite songs on the radio!

I have reduced ability for scent too and poor eyesight without spectacles or contact lenses.  Quite literally I am slowly losing my senses.  Mostly due to the NHS not being able to support maintaining my treatment, which would slow this down!

This is why making a life for myself now is very important, my main goal for trying to earn money via affiliate programs, a YouTube channel, my art etc by the end of this year is to help finance me for private care; where I can have my ear rebuilt, because I need an ossicleplasty to regain hearing from one of my ears as the mastoid infection destroyed two ossicles completely. 

I also need my nose fixed because the hospital didn’t bother to repair the cartilage I broke when I broke my nose three or four years ago and it often shifts out of place and causes pain – but it’s not life threatening so they felt it can wait!  Also I have enlarged adenoids which affect my breathing and sense of smell.

Since I was a kid I wanted to do art movies based on my ideas, songs and poems, but I was lead to believe that you need to be rich to do it. 

I have made online friends through twitter recently which has taught me that it is nonsense, you don’t need to have a single penny to do it and they are showing me how.  I have asked for the course to be paused until September 7th, because I want to concentrate on it thoroughly and it is hard to do so when Paul and Henry are having screaming matches in front of me every five minutes.

It’s exciting to think I can go back to my childhood dreams.

It is also rather a strange coincidence that I am getting a lot of “inner child” symbolism and cues around me a lot lately, including with a YouTube pick a pile tarot reading, which connected the pile chooser to the arts and two decision paths whilst healing the inner child; but also, I am having a lot of bizarre dreams that I am four years old again and I am decorating my house with all the things my childhood self ever wanted, care bears, kawaii stuff – you name it, it’s so weird how this is all connecting together!

I am having a lot of dreams that I am packing boxes ready to move house and that when I get to the new house, I am unpacking things I don’t have, pretty things, things that make me happy, things that a child would want!  It’s like a prediction of abundance and joy!

I hope it is a prediction, because I really need to find my happy place, a place to play.

Happy reading everyone! 

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Working things out

My goal for sending my work out to look for representation in October is still on the cards!  I am determined to do this, but I do feel that I am a little stupid for it.

Not that I don’t think I can do it, I know I can!  But what makes me feel stupid is the fact that these neurological problems seem to be getting worse, far worse…

Motor Neurone runs in my family, but my GP thinks I could have MS.  Yesterday (the 16th August, as this is a pre-written piece), I was standing for a couple of minutes talking to Paul, then I took just one step to get nearer to him and my leg went floppy and I injured my toes and the muscles in the whole of my right foot.  This happens or rather something similar to this has happened off and on for about five years, but never to that extent!

For example, I’d be walking and then momentarily my knees lose strength and almost give way – never actually making me fall, but having near misses.

Along with this, for the past year now I have been having language difficulties.  For the first time since my childhood my stammer has come back and sometimes my lisp, something I thought I got rid of entirely when I was fifteen!

Along with this I am making very elementary spelling mistakes.  Mistaking things a lot even in speech as well as typing them; here are some example:

Wake becomes walk

Book becomes Brock

Lesson becomes lessen

Alright becomes all write

Those are just some examples of what is happening in speech occasionally and this is why, I can’t write on a laptop unless pushed – my laptop is laggy, in fact I don’t get to see what I have typed until the second or third paragraph!

It may not be neurological, but I am scared it is; it could just be stress and lack of concentration because I live in a household where my son and partner scream rather than talk to each other!

Motor neurone has taken the lives of two aunts on my father’s side of the family and my grandad and is ruining the lives of two cousins.

My legs and arms often wake me up at night as they randomly go numb and dead and cannot be used, Paul is struggling with sleep because he has to help rub life back into them again, so I can move!

It’s very scary!

The idea I had of getting independence may literally only be a dream, I may never get the independence I want, because of things like this!

The days I don’t write is not because I can’t be bothered, because I want to write almost all of the time!  But the problem comes when some days my shoulders don’t have the strength to lift my arms enough to be able to type.   Writing by hand is ok if I don’t write more than two A4 sheets worth of stuff, before my hand swells, as I do have rheumatic arthritis!

Paul has been trying to save up for months now to get something called DRAGON where I can speak my ideas onto the computer, so I can write on my bad days – but we’re not even halfway in the savings for that yet – not to mention I desperately need a new desktop PC as my one is not coping since the heatwave!

It’s all scary.  I have these dreams of being a writer/screenwriter and brainstorming for movies and TV series with people eventually, but really my body may let me down and I hate disappointing people.

My intentions are good, my heart is in it and I am raring to go, but my body has other ideas!

Paul and I understand that I have muscle wasting problems with the arthritis and we’ve found a diet to help prevent further muscle wasting, but again, we don’t have the budget for that as we are literally classed as a disadvantaged family here in the UK and often receive charity help.

I am too proud to think about crowdfunding like the lady from a charity has said we should consider, not only that but we’re worried about whether it could be classed as a gift or is it taxable?

Anyways, I am not happy with doing that!

But what I have been thinking about is offering services online soon which will help pay for it, through Patreon perhaps, but as long as it is not glorified begging, I am ok with it!

I have thought about using Patreon to sell short stories to those who donate through it – other options are selling short stories through Fiver or setting up Ebooks on Amazon.

We’re going to figure it out!

I am happy that in other ways, my health is stabilising, that is my breathing, my energy levels, my digestive problems and psoriasis as well as my mental health – all that seems to be stabilising, though it could just be just a long remission – hope not!

So I can then plan to think about doing things outside of the house more; such as, I really miss being involved with amateur dramatics and prop making and I miss volunteer work!

I really miss the musical theatres in particular!

Paul and loads of other people have been trying to encourage me to consider singing as a career, but I am not happy with it as a full-time career as it can be very arduous on your voice overall; they also believe I could be really successful as a voice over, but I have pushed against that as a career a lot, much to the chagrin of American friends who work for radio, one in Kentucky the other in Nevada!

I wasn’t even swayed with a $250 an hour promise.  Are voice actors really worth that much?  If so, wow!  But I didn’t want to move to Nevada and this was offered to me when I was pregnant with Henry and we didn’t experience this kind of poverty back then, had it been offered now, we might consider it – not sure, we’re attached to our little village!

Paul has a three hundred year history in this village that Henry is proud of continuing!

I had thought about selling my voice on fiver, but I am not sure how all of that yet.  Need to do some research into that – but at the moment my writing is priority.

I’ll keep you updated soon about things.

Happy reading!

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Do they resent me?

When you’ve been bedbound sick for a while you learn coping mechanisms, to keep you going; especially when you start to believe you are failing as a mum because you can’t do the things a normal housewife could and should be doing.

You learn to release responsibilities to your husband so that you can heal, so there are less hospital trips due to you collapsing over exhaustion as you try to pretend there is nothing wrong with you!

You learn that there are things you can still do as a bedbound parent, but it doesn’t feel the same.  As a bedbound parent you learn to make the most of a small space, you learn that you don’t have to need a desktop PC and you can use a laptop in bed with an adjustable table.

You start to think that you are a burden, but you can’t help it.  I became this badly sick when Henry was 3yrs old – Henry hasn’t really known a healthy mum, he is twelve now and my health is stabilising slowly.

You start to believe that your rocky relationship with your son who is worried sick about you, will improve as you get better – but that’s a fallacy!

Since Henry was five years old, he learned that the best way to have time with me and play is by sitting with me drawing, reading or playing Roblox games every moment he is out of school.

I was wrong not to set tight boundaries about that, because in all honesty, I never believed I would get better – in fact I thought I was going to die before Henry becomes a teenager!

But now I am getting better, I am trying to make a life for myself – I have lost nine years of freedom from my mum since becoming sick and I want to make it up to myself.

I really thought my immediate family would be pleased I am getting better, but far from it, they resent it.  Paul feels less needed and is dropping things at such a rapid pace nowadays that it is leaving me feeling like he is sabotaging my healing process because he is afraid that my health may mean he’ll lose me.  Because he knows I am unhappy with the state of the house and unhappy with the morose behaviour the people of this house has!

Henry doesn’t understand that I need to drop the games because twenty minutes of fun always ends up with six hours of lost time.

I am trying to hone my skills as a writer, keep this blog alive, learn how to use social media, networking with other creative people, trying to learn how to set up a YouTube channel and how to get into screenwriting professionally and learning Italian because I want to get back to my Italian roots.  I am trying to do this by my own set schedule and goal and time is running out!

Henry’s behaviour has become sour since I seem to be getting better and in the heat of the moment he has screamed that he wished I would get sicker again, just so he’d have someone to play with all the time again!

There is no emotional support from Paul regarding this – as Henry storms off because I won’t play for longer, Paul runs after him telling him he knows how he feels and how mum needs to do this and that, but also how I really should spend more than just half an hour a day with him and he knows its not fair.

Proverbially slapping me in the face in the process!

Paul is tired of updating my friends when I am too busy, sick or absorbed in free courses – he has made his stance very clear to me. I ask him not to be rude to them, because sometimes he can be a bit too terse with people; he isn’t known for tact.

I am in this on my own.

It’s my fault I am getting better and chose to actually pull us out of poverty because I can’t hack just making do anymore, so I have to do it all myself now!

It’s abundantly clear and it’s a lonely place to be.

I have resided myself to the fact that perhaps this family doesn’t want me unless I am in bed all day playing games to keep the boy happy and out of Paul’s hair.  We’ve had this discussion and it’s clear, I might be moving away from them soon – we don’t know when – but it’s something that’s coming.

The prospect of complete independence is stomach churning.

I’ve never been alone before.

I’ve always been dependant on others, can I do it?

Who knows?

Am I being fair to them? I can’t help but feel guilty for wanting this!

Thanks for reading!

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My life in work

What work experience have I had?

I have been mostly unemployed in my adult life due to ill health, but I have worked in numerous organisations and I have a variety of skills that are not pertaining to creative pursuits.

I also want to clarify one essential thing here – I am not a drop out, because a drop out is someone who chooses to drop out of their own accord – I was pulled out and labelled a drop out by my family to other people.  But you must understand that my family were aggressive manipulators and I had to obey their wishes, because I was so sheltered I honestly thought, until I was twenty seven that a mother can’t be arrested for mental abuse, blackmail, brain washing and manipulation! 

My first ever unpaid job was a classroom assistant at an infant school in North London, I was there only for six weeks before the law changed that you had to have a minimal qualification in GNVQ level 1 or be a parent in order to continue working with children.  The head teacher was sorry to see me go, because she had also been my very first teacher when I was small.  She had intended to employ me after this work experience trial but due to law changes had to decline. 

I was in and out of school most of my childhood because my mother was inconsistent in maintaining my attendance score for scores of reasons!  The best score I ever had was 38% I had attended no less than fourteen individual schools between the age of five and fifteen and for as little as three days to eighteen months in attendance to them.  Most averaging three months, with long bouts of home education.

It really pained her to tell me I couldn’t stay in employment with her and was sure I’d go to university and become the primary school teacher I wanted to become.  My mother had different ideas.

You will find throughout my life until I broke off with my mother in 2012 that there were lots of different occupations I had trained for or endeavoured to have, but because she never approved of it, I never had a longstanding career in anything and lost many a job due to her behaviour.  But this is a post about my work life, not my obstacles pertaining to it!

My second ever occupation was working as an assistant at a hairdressing salon, for a family friend; because there was big issues and input in what I would and wouldn’t do according to my mum and my big brother, the idea of eventually becoming trained to work with this friend was ludicrous, because according to my brother only people who don’t have brains become hairdressers and I certainly have a brain he said and he intended that I use it!  Ouch, what a horrible comment to the beauty industry!  I know a lot of very clever and even academic ladies who are beauticians and hairdressers, it’s such a horrible stereotype what he said!

I only worked in the hairdressing salon for two months, because my brother hit the roof about it.

My third job was labelling glue bottles for my dad’s boss; it was a temporary job to get me over a summer break in college, where I was made to learn IT for two whole years, only for me to be pulled out in the last two months with no qualification! 

It wasn’t until I was twenty years old that I realised that my parents didn’t teach me that between jobs I could be getting money from the job centre and other disability benefits and I didn’t have a national insurance card until then either, because I wasn’t in education at the time either.  I had no idea that what my mother got me into was actually illegal, working without declaration and I was going to get into trouble for it!  When my mother let the cat out of the bag and explained what happened and how I genuinely was ignorant to what happened, things smoothed over – but mum had to fork the bill!

I have no idea to this day what the blazes happened in that office, other than I knew that if mum didn’t do whatever she did that day, we’d both have ended up in jail for fraud and I had no idea why and still don’t! 

My fourth job was working for my brother in his business as a receptionist for a few weeks before that fell flat due to his own customer service skills and lack of general dedication to the work!

My fifth job was working for MENCAP as a front desk receptionist and creative therapy assistant, my longest reigning job that lasted nearly two years, part time, three times a week for two hours in the morning; I absolutely loved that job but mum demanded more money from me and made me pull out of that for something that would financially improve her life!

My fifth job was working at The Camden Society, after being a client of the charity for eighteen months, because of severe PTSD affecting me finding work elsewhere, something horrible happened to me between these jobs.  This charity employed me themselves as a front desk receptionist for four months, before giving me a job as a key support worker for the charities café which is run by people with special needs.  I worked here for nine months in this role before being asked to leave due to financial cuts.

My sixth job was a two week wonder as a TESCO home shopper. 

My seventh job was for Christmas only at Marks and Spencer’s cashier.

My eighth job lasted two days due to interference from my mother – I became a fully trained health and safety officer and I couldn’t keep the job because my mother followed me to venues of observation and caused scenes.

My ninth job if I can call it that, was when I was trained to train security dogs and then get employed after the training, but after the training my mother made me give it up, because she didn’t want me bringing my work home with me!  Two German shepherd dogs twice a year, once trained I would lose them!   

My tenth job was a language support worker for Chinese children in a school in North London, I had this job only for two weeks, because I was uncomfortable with the boss and then my mother said something to him!

My eleventh job was a telephone tarot card reader, at home – the job lasted three days before I lost it due to complaints from the company I worked for that my mother could be heard at the other end of the phone berating my readings.

The last job I ever had was self-employed as an eBay seller, this stopped because my mother wouldn’t let me sell my things!

I gave up the last two years I lived with my mum and I let her control my life even more, because I just wanted to get on with my life and keep a job, so I left myself entirely in her hands!  I never had a job the whole time and I attended six different courses only completing two to certification and then I decided I had enough and left her.

I then became pregnant which held off employment because I wanted my son to be able to talk to me about what carers might have done to him before I got a job, by then, I had got too sick to work and lost further hearing in my left ear which makes telephone conversations impossible!  Along with this I also have splenomegaly and several auto-immune diseases, such as rheumatic arthritis, IBS, IBD, lupus, inner ear auto-immune disease and recently, doctors have me on a waiting list to confirm MS.

So there you have it, my life in work!

Thanks for reading!

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