Tag Archives: healing

I’m scared to fly

My back itches because I am growing wings

I know soon that I will fly

But I am scared to reach the sky

I may fall and tumble down

Down so hard upon the ground

And be a wretched creature

With no one around

Because I flew too far

It would break my heart to be alone

Alone and without a home

It would be a never healing scar

I hope the sky will love me

And gently guide me down

And put me amongst the people

Who will keep me safe and sound

But right now I am scared to fly

Without a flock and although I try

I can’t bear to do it all alone

To follow those who have already flown

Will I get lost in the clouds, a punishment for being proud?

I fear to fly and yet I must

I have to in God trust

That I will be safe and sound right there

Right up there in the air

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Spirit & energy

It is vitally important to always make sure you have your own personal space in your home, so you have a chance to heal and a place to make a sanctuary; it is important to fiercely guard this space and for twelve years I had to fight to find mine and it was genuinely a battle.

It has only really been two months now, since this space has been truly mine in every sense of the word; a place that I can decorate and design to my will, a place where I can relax and sleep and even sometimes write on the quiet days.

This house has a lot of negative energy running through it, which is what you can expect when you have a polluted stream running right under your house and this stream is drying up.

I have never been happy in this house, because I felt this house made me sick and it wasn’t until two years into my ill-health that Paul told me about the stream under the house; had I of known before I moved in with him, I wouldn’t have moved in with him, not in this house.

Why?

Because living on water like that is not good for a witch, or so my family has told me as there are some ancestry from Salem, the Howe’s, my ancestors were the ones who got away.  Living on water can do two things to a proper blood born witch; make you sick because it affects your energy at a consistent pace and can affect your spell crafting abilities negatively whilst overloading your instinct for fortune telling and clairvoyance.  That is of course, if you are not a sea or a water based witch, those are different.  Yes my Chinese astrological element is water, but this is not a good place for me to live.  I can live by water, as long as I am not on top of it and as long as it is not constantly flowing beneath me.

This is a shame because I have always liked the idea of long holidays on barges and cruises, I know for a fact I used to love going rowing in the summer with my dad and cousins and I don’t suffer from seasickness.

I am a non-practising witch these days, I only do crystal healing, fortune readings, clairvoyant stuff and I still feed the faeries and the house spirits, hug trees and that sort of thing – but I don’t actively do spells anymore, as I believe it negatively affects the balance of the universe.  I do believe however in cosmic ordering and that the cosmos knows how to balance things better than we do, in my opinion, cosmic ordering or wish-craft is far superior to witchcraft.  It’s gentler, it’s balanced and it is not forcing anything and you build a relationship with the source that is deep and loving and protective and always knows best!

Since gaining my new space and doing my little cleansing rituals and a little bit of Feng Shui (only a little) I have noticed something about my particular space that I have never felt whilst living in this house and that is a lightness, a clean energy, a vibrancy developing here.

The other members of my household, Paul and Henry have noticed this energy too and try to spend more time in my space than their own, but I quickly rush them out after twenty minutes, because this is my space and I can’t lose it again.

I am relying a lot on crystal energy for this space.  I do a cleansing ritual every time someone comes into my space with anything negative; it’s become almost an obsession.  But you have no idea how quickly the energy darkens and becomes depressive if I am not consistently on top of it.

All I do is use my quartz crystal to make a protective star in the room, circle me thrice and if necessary open the window for half an hour.

This is my bedroom and it is not shared by anyone, this is my space and I love it.

My room has become known in the family as the rainbow room, because my crystals make about fifty little prisms all over the walls when they are poked to swing in the window and when those rainbows light up the room, the energy is so soothing and beautiful, I can’t get rid of anyone who comes in until they fade.

My clairvoyance and my instinctive abilities are increasing exponentially, where I am becoming unsurprised by events happening in my life now.  But I am also driven with excitement by something I can sense, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

All I know is my world is about to turn upside down and become completely unrecognisable soon, but I understand that it’s all positive and good and I will be ecstatically happy for a very long time after this event.  What this event might be?  I am unsure really, but it indicates a new person coming into my life that will just drastically change everything and heal me emotionally and help me become strong and vibrant again.

My spirits are sometimes mischievous but never harmful or toxic, whenever I ask who this person is? They laugh at me and told me, I will not be able to speak when I see them, I won’t believe it’s true and I may be tempted to run away from them when they approach me.

They also said that this person will be the best thing to ever happen in my life!

They told me that we will work together in a similar or same career, that together we will be a power couple that people will look at us as Emperor and Empress because our ideas coming together are so spectacular that the world will literally be in awe of us.  Which sounds exciting – I wondered if it is another writer or someone along those lines, Paul guesses I might fall in love with the agent I get.  Who knows?

They said that our creativity will be a huge legacy for literally generations to come!  We will not be forgotten, it’s that kind of big energy.

They also told me that my new prospective partner will be ecstatic because they knew their intuition was right about me, that they are happy that they can change into doing something they’ve been wanting to do a lot for the past few years, but circumstances have meant they had to go in another direction they weren’t as passionate in, but just generally liked a bit.

I was told he will love how playful I am, how changeable I am, how pliable I can be in most situations and ultimately he will see me as a very inspiring person and he will get on my case about not using my abilities to the best that I can.  He will be very pushy about my talents, all of them and I won’t be able to hide any from him or the world, he won’t allow it.

He will push me into the world and have a “have fun” attitude and will stick around waiting to push me back if I try to wander away from what I am supposed to be doing.

He sounds impossible, but supportive, cheeky and fun.

He will challenge me on every level to be the best that I can be for myself, he won’t let me belittle myself or make do, he will always make me strive to take better things.  Apparently there is a couple of things which will frustrate the both of us being together… for him, it is my idea of moderation and accepting less than I really want and my apparent, needless frugality.  He is apparently here to teach me how to grasp abundance, but according to my spirits, he is fighting a losing battle as I am just so naturally happy and grateful for whatever I have and I never overdo things for myself.

I overdo things for others, but it is hard for me to digest and accept doing it for myself.

He will also have a challenging time with my insecurities, but after as little as two years he would have the victory he was vying for regarding that!  This is what the spirits promised, I laughed as two years is too short a time for that!

But they are determined that he knows me more than I do!

As for my reaction to him, apparently he will know how to push all of my buttons for any reaction he desires and this will sometimes scare me, because he will challenge me a lot!  He will not do anything to harm me, or make me feel bad in anyway, but he will scare me by putting me into situations and teaching me how to cope with them and have fun, because in his opinion I have missed out a lot in life and he is determined I won’t miss out on anything else!

My lesson to him apparently is improving spiritual connection and emotional healing as well as filling the void.  Oh and apparently although he is known to be a little eccentric already by people who know him, apparently us being together will make him stand out as being even more outrageous, because we’ll do it as a couple together!  We are apparently two peas in a pod!

The spirits said we are the couple that get the most invites to places, simply because we liven things up with our presence and vibrancy.

To be perfectly honest, it has to be a dream and this can’t really happen for me.  Because in my opinion, I am past it; I am forty years old, I am not very attractive, I can’t see how all of this is going to happen in such a short space of time.  I have got myself into a homebody rut, so how am I going to meet this guy, huh?

Is he going to just turn up on my doorstep?  I don’t think so!

But OK… email me first?

Thanks for reading.

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Broken Doll

Ignore the broken doll; she’s just an attention whore

Got worse things than all of us, we hate her tales of yore

Bet those tears are a crocodiles, bet those words are lies

We don’t believe a word of it, we don’t believe her cries

She doesn’t play our games with us, for she thinks she’s better too

All the evil she’s experienced, all the things she’s gone through

No one can have that much bad luck, she really tries too hard

To get acceptance from this crowd by playing the victim card

That broken doll is back again, with another tale

Let’s just ignore her and she’ll go away

She makes the atmosphere stale

No one likes a broken doll, they throw us all away

Because they think by touching us, we will scratch and scathe

Will no one mend this broken doll and bring a pot of glue?

So that one day my scars will heal and I can be loved too?

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Filed under poetry

Sleepy caterpillar

Today I feel quiet; it’s a solitary and reflective day for me.  I just want the cosiest clothing possible, to be warm and snuggle up with my laptop writing stories, doing tarot readings, playing with my crystals and reading some books.

Though I feel like being kind of social, I just really want a quiet day.

I really miss having a wandering pet in the house like a dog or a cat, because I could do with fur baby snuggles right now too and I really miss my border collie Candy who used to lie on my feet whenever I was reading, because she kept my feet warm in the winter, whilst bill my shih Tzu kept my abdomen or lap warm and his sister Beau to my side.

I often sat in piles of dogs or other fur babies, it was quite normal for me.

As much as I miss her I don’t miss her habits, Turquoise my tortoiseshell cat, she could never get close to me thanks to the dogs, so her only option was to sit behind the back of the sofa I was on and half lie on my head whilst I read.  Kind of itched a bit as she made my head too warm!

I miss the occasional tweet from my budgies too and the sofa suddenly moving like an earthquake because Amy the Irish Wolfhound has decided to hide behind my sofa right now, disturbing the whole pile of animals around me as she blunders her way behind the sofa to hide again, only for her to re-emerge sticking her wet slimy nose into my ear for a tickle almost immediately.

I miss them all.

But today is a cotton and cotton lace kind of day, with fleecy socks and blankets or shawls; light colours for me, like white, pale yellow or cream, maybe a smattering of oatmeal or coffee, but only very small amounts. 

It would be too cold to go out in what I want to wear today, unless I took an oversized oatmeal or banana yellow fleecy shawl or poncho with me.

Today however, is a day where I just want to be home.  I’d like some company, but quiet, tranquil company.  It’s a reflective day after all and a day of words for me.

I have done a lot of writing today, but not towards a novel.  I have done a lot of words towards blog posts and therapy essays I am doing for myself, as I am trying to heal some major emotional wounds.

Spiritual energy is quiet today, it’s like there is a major focus on me, to give me lightness, give me energy, sending healing my way.

I thank whoever it is doing that.

I certainly feel a lot of inner calm today, like someone has given me Valium or something.

My spirits have tried their best to encourage me to sleep a lot over the past few days, but I haven’t been listening, only for me to nap suddenly whenever I get comfortable.  Henry got afraid yesterday as I fell asleep twice and I wasn’t even tired, but I told him it’s OK.

My spirits told me, “you are not a butterfly yet; you are still a caterpillar and it’s time to get your sleep, because your transformation is very near”.

I suppose it explains why I am fat, then, I am a caterpillar.

I am fighting against their advice though; life is too short to be a sleepy head.

But they insist, I should sleep as much as possible until the second week of November, because after that, I won’t have a chance – things will move too quickly in my life and I may not have the energy to keep up with it, and I must keep up with it!

It’s a strange thing.

But there you go.

Thanks for reading…

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Filed under Who am I today?

Visuals & symbolism

Passions are what makes people succeed, a lot of people make presumptions about my passions because they observe things that I allow them to see, but ultimately they are wrong.

I am mostly stimulated by visuals, it is agonising to write, but I have no confidence in my art and drawings. 

People think that being a writer I write because writing is my passion – not so, what drives me to write is the prospect of the art whether in movies or paintings.  I like visuals a lot.  I often speak with Paul about how I wish I was a better artist and a faster one, so that I can draw the scenes I see in my head and then just write snippets of what those images are about.

But in my opinion my art is naff, but my writing is good.

I really want to be the artist behind my graphic novels I am working on, but I just can’t make the grade I have set for myself, for that to make me feel yes it is complete and it is wonderful… you know?

You should know that a lot of people are confident in my ability as an artist, but I am not.  Because my art is not exactly how I see it in my head; my art is too cartoon and manga like, when I want my art to reflect more realism or at least CGI quality.  Talking of which, I don’t do digital art – which would make the CGI concept actually happen, but I am trying to create CGI quality artwork manually! 

I have never learned to do digital art; I wouldn’t even know where to start other than Photoshop.

So yeah, laugh at me, because I laugh at myself regarding this too!  So why not!  Haha!

The writing is wonderful, I don’t fault it much and I am not being cocky either, I am proud of what I have written so far – but I am disappointed in my artistic ability to provide the visuals for it.

For me, writing is a painful and often stressful experience when piecing ideas together – but when I am researching and brainstorming it’s one of the best things ever! 

Writing for fifteen to twenty five minutes stretches, feels like two hours and I often feel drained after doing it, I often need exercise or something to wake me up from it! 

Doing art on the other hand is the only thing in my life where my attention span hasn’t got in the way – for some reason or another I can paint for six hours and then feel that I’ve only done it for half an hour and I always come away from the work feeling happy and energised – the same with music!

Unfortunately I can’t afford my supplies, so I can’t work on art every single day like I really want to!  I just can’t afford it!  I don’t think you really realise just how bad things are for me here, we often rely on charity support and it’s going to get worse between now and November.

Other than visual stimulus my other stimulus used to be sound – but around seven or eight years ago I caught an infection which had permanently reduced the hearing in my only functioning ear, which means there are many sounds I can no longer hear, including certain beats and instruments in my favorite songs on the radio!

I have reduced ability for scent too and poor eyesight without spectacles or contact lenses.  Quite literally I am slowly losing my senses.  Mostly due to the NHS not being able to support maintaining my treatment, which would slow this down!

This is why making a life for myself now is very important, my main goal for trying to earn money via affiliate programs, a YouTube channel, my art etc by the end of this year is to help finance me for private care; where I can have my ear rebuilt, because I need an ossicleplasty to regain hearing from one of my ears as the mastoid infection destroyed two ossicles completely. 

I also need my nose fixed because the hospital didn’t bother to repair the cartilage I broke when I broke my nose three or four years ago and it often shifts out of place and causes pain – but it’s not life threatening so they felt it can wait!  Also I have enlarged adenoids which affect my breathing and sense of smell.

Since I was a kid I wanted to do art movies based on my ideas, songs and poems, but I was lead to believe that you need to be rich to do it. 

I have made online friends through twitter recently which has taught me that it is nonsense, you don’t need to have a single penny to do it and they are showing me how.  I have asked for the course to be paused until September 7th, because I want to concentrate on it thoroughly and it is hard to do so when Paul and Henry are having screaming matches in front of me every five minutes.

It’s exciting to think I can go back to my childhood dreams.

It is also rather a strange coincidence that I am getting a lot of “inner child” symbolism and cues around me a lot lately, including with a YouTube pick a pile tarot reading, which connected the pile chooser to the arts and two decision paths whilst healing the inner child; but also, I am having a lot of bizarre dreams that I am four years old again and I am decorating my house with all the things my childhood self ever wanted, care bears, kawaii stuff – you name it, it’s so weird how this is all connecting together!

I am having a lot of dreams that I am packing boxes ready to move house and that when I get to the new house, I am unpacking things I don’t have, pretty things, things that make me happy, things that a child would want!  It’s like a prediction of abundance and joy!

I hope it is a prediction, because I really need to find my happy place, a place to play.

Happy reading everyone! 

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Filed under About my work

Juggling my life

I believe my previous post was due to being down in the dumps because whilst Henry is off from school for the summer holidays, I find it impossible to write as much as I want to; therefore, I resent writing much more during those times.

When Henry is out of the house I write, but I have to discipline myself to do it when he is out, that or practising my Italian – I know I should prioritise the writing, but for me, both are just as equally important. 

I have got it into my head now that whilst Henry is off from school, even if I write just one paragraph in the day towards my projects, it is progress and therefore I don’t believe I should be harsh on myself for how small the progress is; progress is progress, no matter how small!

But it is easy to fall into the whine trap, especially when you feel desperate to add those snippets you want to towards your work but can’t as it’s hard to concentrate with noise and arguments behind you!

I often find myself leaving the living room to go upstairs to cry, but these days I don’t have much chance to do that because Henry is becoming more controlling lately.  He is starting to follow me and he isn’t letting me have much time alone.  I understand why he is so clingy lately, but I need my space too!

I know that he knows I am unhappy and I want my own space to the extent I have discussed quite openly with Paul about the concept of me having another home.  What I mean is a place of my own, where I don’t necessarily live there all the time; I can’t fully abandon them!  Just somewhere I can go to get a break.  It’s likely I will only really use this alternative place as once or twice a week retreat to help me do my creative pursuits in an organised and happy place and unlikely I’ll sleep there; as I said before, I don’t like doing anything alone!

At the moment I can’t finance that, I am working on it; like I am working on many things, not just writing several novels to get into publication. 

I am working on my health, fitness, diet management.

I am studying really hard how to make movies or do screenwriting and setting up my own YouTube channel as well as entering an amateur dramatics and writing group.   

I am trying to get this house in order because it’s falling apart due to age and storm damage.

I am trying to manage the garden in between my neighbour going out, because he is still a problem.

I am trying to manage the problem of toxic people from my past trying to get involved in my life and online haters and it’s difficult, but it’s getting slowly solved.

I am trying so hard to heal mentally and get rid of the dark thoughts of suicide.

Amongst all of this I do know and fully understand that writing has little or no money unless I can make it big… this is a pie in the sky dream for every writer!

So, I am also trying to make a living outside of writing professionally.  I am currently self-studying affiliate programs, marketing and so forth – to help me with my other passion; art and also practising art too!

To top it all, I am trying hard to learn how to socialise in a non-weird awkward way, because I have been isolated for most of my life and have been wrongly taught that everyone is aggressive and out to hurt or use you.

I am also looking forward to next spring, when Paul reckons we can most definitely get a dog, a dog will help not only be my companion in the other place, when I get it – but it will also give me the confidence to go for walks alone and a purpose to wake up in the morning, just to walk it! 

So much I am trying to do and all at once, because my ultimate goal is to have a life.  I’ve not had one yet, really, just existed really, but not lived!

Yes, I feel spread thin, but it all needs to be done, because I can’t put any of it on a back bench, because then I won’t feel whole.  There will always be a hollow in me and I don’t like that… I need to feel complete.  I need to learn how to be happy and at peace.

I’ve not done that yet.  I’ve never ever experienced joy in the true sense of the word.  I don’t mean to sound tragic, but it’s true.  I don’t really care about financial success or fame; I care about feeling whole and happy.  That’s what I care for, that’s what I need!  To me that is what success is – success is living the life that makes you feel happy and whole, not what gives you the most material possessions and making strangers in awe of you.

That’s not my goal.

Remember, I am doing this alone, I have little to no support.

I just want happiness, love, and peace and to feel whole and most of all, I want to play! 

That’s all.

Happy reading!

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Filed under About Me

Fixing this heart

I am feeling lonely, I am feeling blue

I am a crying because of you

You told me you loved me, then you went away

You stole my heart, that fateful day

Now I am in sorrow and now I am in pain

Wondering if I will ever see my heart again?

I don’t care for you after what you’ve done

Because someone who loves me, would not have gone

I am crying only for my heart to heal

So that it’s stronger from another steal

Maybe you’ve killed it, only time will tell

Until then I will weave a spell

To set my heart a mending

To make my heart strong

To clear away bad energy and the wrong

So I can feel again and happy be

So I can love again, someone who deserves me

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Filed under poetry

Songs that seem written for me

Ten songs that match my personality or feel like they were written by someone who knows me and below them explanations of why I think this, also a huge insight to me as a person! 

  1. The lady is a tramp especially the Lady Gaga and Tony Bennet version!
  2. Pain by Three days grace
  3. It can’t rain all the time by Jane Siberry
  4. Crush Em by Megadeath
  5. Champion by Three days grace
  6. Smile by Nat King Cole
  7. Dollhouse by Melanie Martinez
  8. Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson
  9. Touch-a-touch-a-touch me from Rocky Horror Picture Show
  10. Cry little sister by Gerard McMahon

The Lady is a tramp;

This song connects well to me because I will eat a couple of hours before a meal out, as I can never guarantee whether or not the meal will be enough… you know nouveau cuisine and all that – if I am hungry, I hate waiting around for food!  So to be polite, I tend to eat a little before I go anywhere! 

I won’t ever wear real fur, I hate the cruelty of it, though it’s pretty I tend to wear faux versions a lot and have a lot of faux blankets around the house.  Though I happen to like pearls, so that part doesn’t connect! 

One thing I can’t stand is gossiping with other women, it’s not my thing, hence why most of my friends tend to be men.

I don’t really like to make myself up too much to impress others if that means I have to be uncomfortable, but I do like to look impressive generally.  Clothing must always be comfortable or else I would rather go naked and being someone who isn’t an exhibitionist, that’s something I won’t do!

I like being fashionable though and I do like showing off a bit, I am a bit of a peacock – I think this is why I love Lady Gaga, I see a lot of me in her!

Pain by three days grace;

There was a time that I became afraid that I would never feel again.  My post-traumatic stress syndrome got so bad I became what they call Non-comprimentos, I don’t know if I spelled that right I tried to google it, but found nothing.  I wouldn’t speak and hardly ate for nearly a year, I became numb to everything.  Conscious, unlike people think I was, but numb.  I didn’t want to react, I didn’t want to speak, I didn’t feel a thing.  It’s a scary place, it’s like I gave up and didn’t die, but I was supposed to, if that makes sense?

It took a long while for me to get out of being such a poker face, so pan faced and unemotional, a very long while.  I wouldn’t smile for nearly four years and when I did smile it was at the irony that people were trying to save my life (due to mastoid infection) and all I really wanted to do was die; but I smiled because of the darkness of it all.

What happened?

I was a huge wrestling fan; in particular I loved The Undertaker.  I was afraid of becoming brain damaged due to the surgery and my mother came into the operating theatre to help settle me down for the injection which would put me to sleep – her comforting words came out without realising what she had said until she saw the horror on the anaesthetists face.  “Don’t worry, just think about The Undertaker” she said, smiling down at me.

I didn’t just smile for the first time in years; I full out laughed and then had to explain to the nurses around me that my mother isn’t mental, it’s my favorite wrestler!

But after that time, I did decide that if things hurt me, I’d rather feel it than be numb.  Strange I know, but if you have been there yourselves, you’d understand the loss and the loneliness of it all.

I soon developed into transferring that to physical pain rather than emotional after a while and entered the dark phases of self-harming, it helped me to cope and though the scars I have are bad, they make me feel like a warrior.

It can’t rain all the time;

That’s kind of my motto nowadays; there is always sunshine through the rain or after it, though the bursts of sunshine in my life are usually short, it’s best not to take them for granted and to recognise them when they are around.  It’s easy to forget the light side of life to the extent it becomes alien at times and you can often miss them!

Crush Em;

At times I feel like life is a war, you have to fight for who you are and what you stand for, because so many people want to change you or destroy you.

I used to submit a lot, but as I grew and suffered so much, I decided that if I am going to suffer, I am going to suffer in order to stay true to myself because living a lie hurts me more than I can bear!

I was suffering either way, really.  So it’s best to suffer to your own painful tune than somebody else’s.

I’ve had so much of other people thinking that other people’s lives are their business, their personality, likes and dislikes have to be critique within an inch of their lives to the extent I’ve had enough! 

I say and do what I want, but I am always ready to roll my sleeves up and start to fight and often times that leads me to gas lighting the other person, because I am not determined to just say my piece, I am determined that they can absolutely be themselves and they can absolutely hate me for being myself – but they absolutely cannot try to change me and I absolutely cannot try to change them, only enlighten them to the fact that all forms of hate is evil! 

My intention when I am in an argument is to shed light on the fact that it is ok to love and hate, as long as you accept each other’s differences and learn to live in peace.  If the other person isn’t being peaceful and won’t leave me alone after I suggest we agree to disagree, then they have to be prepared that I will defend myself anyway possible and that it could lead to problems.

Champion;

I have fought so hard to be where I am and who I am I have been dragged up and beaten up and bruised and battered in so many ways, not just physically – it is hard not to become something formidable after it all.

I have learned that the harshest of words and the hardest of beatings can make you stronger and in doing so, it can make a person become so strong that they develop into something that their haters and abusers can no longer fight – a true champion!

When a person tries to destroy another, it makes them feel strong when in fact they are weak.  Some people allow themselves to be destroyed, others learn to get back up and fight and I am one of the fighters.  Very little can intimidate me these days and I do not shy from throwing myself in front of others weaker than me, to take the hits!

Because I know I can cope and I can see that the world is full of weakness and it needs a champion sometimes!

I have a deep fire in me to teach the world, but also shield the weak from it.

I have even learned not to hide my tears anymore, I am no longer ashamed of them – though people may read that as a sign of a broken weak person, for me, it’s a sign that they’ve hit a nerve and with love I will show them what they’re doing, but carry on, I may feel pressured to fuel my fire.  I never say things lightly and I am a compassionate teacher, who gives other people time to think before I react!

But as they say, you can’t always help the stubborn.

Smile;

It took me a long while to get my emotions back; it took even longer for me to learn to put a mask on my face for the sake of the others who are much weaker or disadvantaged than me. 

I learned that the world definitely needs a champion, it needs compassion and love and tenderness and I leaned that it starts with me, my actions, my love, my care; yes don’t take on other people’s problems for your own, because it won’t help them in the long run, but you can hold their hand and give kind words to make them feel a little stronger in their battles.

It starts with a smile, then listening, then trying to understand and then holding their hands whilst championing them along the way, but never, ever let their battles become your own.  Stand back and let them do it for themselves, whilst quietly nodding and smile, you’ve done it little champ!

When I laugh at some people who try to do me down, it’s not mockery, its irony.  They are trying to be strong by showing the biggest weakness they have.  But I am delicate, I don’t laugh in their face, that’s not compassionate, my laugh is a smile and a small ha, I try to be amicable amongst the discord.

Dollhouse;

I really resonate with this lyrical line “I see things that nobody else sees”, for two reasons, one is that I am clairvoyant and clairsentient, the other is that I have seen the true faces of various people behind closed doors and I know the truth about a lot of things – many things, big, but they will never be exposed.

My life is like the twilight zone at times, but enough of that.

I often felt played like a doll in the past by other people who were always changing my shape and my form and personality to suit them and they isolated me in a little house most of the time.

A particular person in my life played me like a doll so much that it was almost like I was her ventriloquist dummy and her hand was up my arse even controlling what I said.  I didn’t realise until I went to a psychologist in 2012 that she used a lot of NLP against me, with little subtleties that made me behave a certain way – they made references to the Pavlov experiments in how she raised me.   If you are not familiar with these experiments here is a link. https://www.simplypsychology.org/pavlov.html

Like most paradoxes in my life, it is the very thing that hurt me to begin with that is helping me to heal.

Rose Garden;

I could never get over the fact that people want to be in relationships with people who accept their baggage and everything is going to be perfect, when the going gets tough, they leave each other!  I never understood this.

Love needs work and compassion, it’s not a given, you can’t just waltz into someone’s life and expect a picture perfect romance, because things like that may happen to some, but it never really lasts.  Love needs time and work. 

Most of my best relationships happened through friendship first and I know it sounds weird, but a long conversation over two or three picnics about what each other wants from life and each other and then almost like a handshake and business proposal we get together.

You have to lay your entire self on the table in front of them, reveal all; dark and light – then you make a decision on whether you are suited together or not.  Do you have the same life goals?  You see how many compromises you are willing to make with each other and if the BIG things don’t match, don’t go there, don’t choose them and start the process over again with someone else – life is too short to be unhappy with someone you live with!

When someone develops an issue with me it is usually because they were not honest in the conversations leading up to the relationship, because they wanted to tell me what I wanted to hear, rather than stay true to themselves!

You must never do this, because you can’t mould everyone!

So I always remind people, I am sorry but did I promise this to you initially?  It’s hard and I know I sound like a bitch, but I am only trying to save hearts from being broken in the long run, because I have a terrible guilt conscious.

You’d be surprised actually how many people hate people being so open like this.  But I feel it’s essential; you could be spending your life together some day – what have you got to hide?

I sound dominant but I really am not.  This is something that shocks people when they get to know what I want from life, because I seem so assertive off the bat – but that’s the point.  It’s to show each other your boundaries so you can live happily together.  I am not a huge feminist, I do believe women can save themselves and they can do many things, but I am super traditional and submissive in my best relationships that most feminists don’t find someone like me acceptable!

It’s a contrast I know, but as I said – it’s vital to be open with people.

Be strong enough to say “I need this, and I need that” and “don’t engage me with this, or that”, it’s important.

I welcome you to my garden, but I didn’t offer you constant sunshine, a perfect lawn and neat borders, I have brambles in there, some nettles for the playful butterflies and some beautiful thorny roses!

Touch-a-touch-a-touch me;

Self-explanatory really; I have been isolated most of my life that I get thrilled when people want to get close to me, even more so when touched.  I have been touch starved most of my life.  Though I can’t be called a slut as my life experience hasn’t reflected my inner most thoughts and feelings, I have the mind of one though.

I am not ashamed to admit it either.  I love being touched, I crave it, but I only desire it from certain people I feel are worthy!

This is not an invitation for anyone to come and touch me without asking first, but it is an invitation to ask if you could get close to me – I don’t mean to sound threatening but I will deck those who take advantage!

I am also very much proud to be considered a creature of the night, because my life has been filled with darkness and in darkness I found my strength, the light weakened me.  I am dark and to many people I resent to say, I am dirty – though I see it as cheekily playful and clean fun!  Dirty is a bad word when it is pertaining to fun pursuits and I don’t like hearing it!

To me the most sacred thing in life is sex, the meaning of life is sex and we should have more of it in our lives and we should spread the love ashamedly!

Cry little sister;

I have always wanted to spread love around the world and make it more acceptable and available to people I come across; I wish that the world was a more open place, a place where people are not afraid to be who they are and do what makes them happy without judgement.

I’ve always hated the lack of love in this world, particularly the kind where you can be free to touch the hand or a knee of a person in order to comfort them, without all this fear that surround’s physical contact with people.

I’ve never found it a healthy aspect of society, though I do appreciate the fact that it protects people from being touched by people they don’t invite into their lives.  I remember a time where I had to get the police involved because of a stalker who readily kept touching me up and I didn’t invite that.  But generally, when you know someone that is beyond a mere acquaintance, why is it still shunned?

I have seen pained expressions in male friends eyes when they see me crying and you know they want to put their arm around you and comfort you, but they are afraid of so many things if they do that.  Will I misinterpret this as a romantic interest?  Will his girlfriend misinterpret it as having an affair?  Will I take him to court for it?  So many things, so I sit there crying more or less alone, when all I want is the extra courage by having someone hold me tight; I wouldn’t care who it is, if they are nice and won’t take advantage of it further.  But most won’t even try.

A gentle touch can spark a healing energy and break the cycle of loneliness, breaking chains that bound us.

Happy reading all!

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Open honesty and healing

Henry is my inspiration to keep on going despite the depression, Henry is my son and he turned twelve on Sunday.

Other than him, the other things which keep me going are things I have to work hard to find and think about – it can take some training to learn how to remove yourself from your present state and look at yourself as though you are a stranger or a friend. 

Most people can’t bear to look at themselves in a positive light, because most of them feel too attached to who they are, that they forget that everyone and everything is changeable and that if you just forget that you are you, for just a few moments, you can then see clearly and work things out in yourself. 

For me, I stand back and pretend I am as perfect as I want to be – I imagine seeing the imperfect me right in front of me (easier to do in front of a mirror) but instead of judging who I see, I imagine that I love this person tremendously, because they have potential that they do not see – that they are in effect = my child!  A child who is very sensitive and a child who has been treated badly by others, a child who you have rescued and adopted!

You have to see yourself this way, so that you act cautiously and lovingly towards this frightened, abused and mislead creature; because you are going to be the one who rescues it wholly, changes it for the better and you are going to be the one who will make it happy and healthy!

Don’t see this person as the adult it might be, see it as a very young child, because that will trick your brain, a good method in making it more believable would be to make yourself look more childish, dress the part and put a mirror at a lower level than you, so you are looking down (effectively making yourself look smaller).

This works for me at times, when I have the opportunity to be alone. 

For me, one of the biggest healing methods is the “inner child nurturing therapy” I have kind of learned about in dribs and drabs over the years.  Your parents were either good or not, but now you are an adult, you have to parent yourself and you must do it with the kindness of a good parent!

As a good parent, if something happens in your life that makes you uncomfortable or someone says or does things to you that makes you uncomfortable it is your responsibility to take it into hand and to tell the person that you don’t like it and to please stop.  You need to think in your mind, that this child needs someone to stand up for it and you are the only one who can do that, because this child needs to be saved from anymore turmoil.

In order to do this, you need to start understanding that you need to heal, you need to acknowledge the fact that you need change and that you and only you, can speak up about how things make you feel and to explain that this bad thing another person has done to you, is a trigger – so please stop.  If the person is a true out and out bully and they find amusement in this and continue their behaviour or it gets worse, then you need to remove yourself from this person or seek professional help via the police, because no one has the right to make you feel like a laughing stock for your sensitivities – no one has the right to do this to another person, so please stop taking their shit!

Would you tolerate a bully doing this to your adopted badly neglected and abused child?  If not, then why are you tolerating it for yourself?  What makes you different from that child?

Nothing, nothing at all!

You only believe you are worthless and you deserve it, because for so many years you have allowed other people to dictate to you how you should or shouldn’t think about yourself, instead of understanding that it is just lies to control you  in order to inflate their own egotistical needs!

So stop it, stop it now – stop feeding their egos – stop making them feel good, when you feel so awful!

Consider this…

What wonderful changes have you done to the world simply because you exist right now?

STOP THINKING TOO BIG ABOUT THIS ANSWER!

The little things count too!

I remember things I have done in my life that have helped others, without me, they would never have got through certain things – everyone on this planet has done this!  Only you were so busy abusing yourself that you didn’t realise and remember you did it.

I will give a few examples from my own life, which make me feel better about existing…

When I was 6yrs old a new girl came to join my class late in the year, she had muscular dystrophy and couldn’t make friends because other children saw her as very different, she was also mixed race and at the time this was still considered rather strange in the community I was raised in.  I was very popular in this school and I had a lot of friends, I didn’t like how people treated her and I told them all how I felt about what they are doing to her.

I told them I was very sad that people find enjoyment in hurting another person, especially a person who is so sick and very scared because she is new, that because they are mean to her I will sit with her and I will play only with her until they feel that they can be kind to her.

This changed and the girl became very popular too by the end of the week.  This young girl has always remembered me and she found me some years later to let me know that she is working towards a career in fashion now and she insists that this one day, changed her own opinion about herself and that it was because of me!  I never thought anything about it, because I left the school a few weeks later and literally thought everyone there would have forgotten me – but she didn’t!  She recognised me when we were in college, I didn’t recognise her, yet she still had her walking frame and though she did kind of stand out, I didn’t specifically associate this girl as her!

I have helped several complete strangers, one of which was an old lady in her eighties, she had her shopping bag on wheels caught in a drain and I was walking past and pulled it out without thinking.  She stopped me for a moment to thank me, and I said think nothing of it and walked off.  The old lady tried to call me back but I was late for work at the time and told her so – she eventually found me, it was easy because I was in uniform and she came to my workplace to seek me out and told my manager how nice I was to her and that she wanted to do something for me.  But I wouldn’t let her, she was so surprised at my kindness and said it was so rare these days that she tried to work something out with my boss.  But I wouldn’t let her reward me, she always remembered me as after this day, whenever we passed each other she’d say something friendly.

This same job place, there was a woman who was having a heart attack in store, she was frightened and the company said that in first aid situations like this, if you are late for your duties forego your humanity and get to your post – but I couldn’t leave this woman who was scared for her life.  I was reprimanded by the manager for being fifteen minutes late for the checkout services, but I wanted to go with the woman on the ambulance like she requested, but I was told I would lose my job.  She died, but later on in the week her daughter sought me out and told me what her mother said about what I tried to do for her and she gave me a gift.  Meanwhile, they spoke harshly to the manager about their mistreatment of me.

I also found a lost child, a young boy around ten years of age who couldn’t speak English, his mother couldn’t speak English either, when she found I was comforting her little boy and trying to find her, but her actions spoke louder than words.  Because she gripped my arm and bowed her head several times to my arm and I presume was thanking me wholeheartedly.  I think they were Chinese but I am unsure.  But that little boy could have come to great harm where he was, because he was so frightened he was curled up in a ball crying when I found him in a place where a car could have parked and hit him as in that area, cars often parked up onto the pavements without thinking.

I have also rescued a handful of people from suicide, spoke them through their hard time online (people I never met, but had online friendships with). 

A few people have also turned away from a life of crime because of comforting words I supposedly had said to them which changed their ways and even gave a child a father.  What I mean is, I had a friend who fathered a child and his instant response was to run away and pretend she didn’t exist because he wasn’t ready to be a father.  I told him to speak this through with his girlfriend and work something out together about it, because running away will only cause both his girlfriend and daughter to hate him potentially.  He told me he was brutally honest to her about how he can’t commit to the child but he will do whatever he can to help her as long as he doesn’t have to live with them.  This worked out fine for them and in as little as eight months down the line he felt he had value as a father and eventually moved in and married her and now he is a happy present father.

A lot of people mess up their lives because they are afraid of being honest, because they think that their honesty is going to make things worse… how ironic, it is usually always the opposite!

Whenever someone has difficulties in their lives and they need a loved one to fully understand, they normally choose not to communicate it and things blow out of proportion.  I often suggest, well just tell them, but the answer is always – “I can’t, because (insert irrational fear here).  Those who have felt confident to do so, come back to me a few days later, thanking me, because, literally – their fear was worse than the reality of it!

My attitude is this… if a person hates you for your honesty and mistreats you for your honesty, then they don’t love you enough to be worthy of sharing your life!

Believe me when I say, there are more than enough people in the world who will share your beliefs, your traditions, your ways and ideas, you have just got to make the effort in looking for them and the only way you can do this, is by living your life as honestly and as openly as you can!

That is the key to good relationships – open honesty.

Thanks for reading!

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Defining self update May 2021

Since 2012 I had been trying to learn how to define myself – why?  Because I had such a suppressed, isolated and abused life before that time that I had never developed my true personality, likes and dislikes etc; because I was never allowed to be nurtured as an individual.  I was literally born to become a facsimile of my mother’s dreams and wishes and because her dreams and wishes went against a lot of my own instinctive nature, both of us were very unhappy with the result and neither of us got exactly what we wanted from my existence.

Where it was my nature to sit quietly, drawing, cutting & pasting, playing Barbie dolls and watching cartoons, it was my mother’s nature to force me to listen to pop music, watch top of the pops, worry about fashion, gossip and EastEnders and to try and teach me to give certain people Hell on Earth. 

When I was bullied by other children, it was my nature to ignore them, but confide in my mother and hope that she would try and help to advise me or complain to the parents or head teacher on the rare occasions I went to school; but instead she responded with the concept that I had to play dirty and hit them back or I was considered weak and therefore would only get bullied continuously.  There was a situation with my mother’s close friend, where her two children bullied me and pushed me off my own swing in my own back garden, I ran indoors crying and both my mother and their mother dragged me outside with a broom and told me to hit those kids as hard as I could or else I would get it instead.

Looking back I still can’t believe how both my mother, her friend and her children would sit back and laugh in recollection of that day, especially as I chose not to hit the kids with the broom and instead scarper upstairs as fast as I could and bolted my bedroom door up with my bed to stop any punishment of my supposed cowardice.  I stayed in my bedroom for the rest of the day, because I knew once my dad came home my mum couldn’t continue her plans, as dad had a sweet nature and wouldn’t allow it.  A trick I had learned to use for most of my life – hide till dad gets home.

I had to learn to be partly how she wanted me to be, as long as it didn’t go against my personal morals within reason.  I am glad to say, I have a higher standard of morals than she does.

The amount of times she had tried to train me to be violent, it had worked in some cases, but in others it only taught me how to literally close my emotions off at dangerous situations.  I easily phase out when there is a dangerous violent person around me ranting and raving and throwing things around, I go blank, close down, and become almost robotic.  It is something I have been told I need to alert the doctor about, but I won’t because I feel that they might try to think it would be helpful to keep me switched on.  A lot of people state that switching myself off emotionally during these times can be very dangerous, a sign that I could become a dangerous person, but I am by my very nature, quite passive unless provoked too much!

I just want a quiet life where I am loved, that’s all.  I want happy people who dislike drama and just want to get on in life, not bored, arrogant people who thrive on bullying and drama.  That’s not for me.  I don’t want that kind of attention.  I just want love, peace, getting on with my art, games, gardening and pets.  That’s all.  Boring I guess to a lot of people, but I would be very happy.

I am learning that a lot of things I thought I loved when I lived with my mother are actually things I was taught to love because she liked them.  Since moving away, on every context of my life, I am unrecognisable.  I don’t hold myself the same way anymore and I certainly don’t have the same voice anymore, strange I know, but even my voice has changed a lot!

There are a few things I wanted to be, do and have, when I lived with my mother, that I still want to be, do or have now; but not much of it. 

I still want to be a writer that gets her books published, but I understand that for now, it is best not to get published before Autumn of 2022, for certain personal reasons.

I still regard myself as bisexual, something that I have never been open about to any member of my blood family, due to stigma, my mother has a problem with gay people – she wouldn’t hurt them, but she is ridiculously avoidant of them and I have heard the kinds of things she says behind their backs!  The rest of the family are kind of open to homosexuality, but they are very Catholic too, so it is a stiff subject to rise with them.  Some of those family members will now most definitely know, because I know they read this blog.

Despite being sick, I have always wanted a homestead or a smallholding.  But I have to be realistic with what I can physically do, but I am trying hard to find a way in keeping to this dream, but working around the disabilities too.  I don’t have a big enough property yet, to do it, but I am researching a lot about chickens and food forest permaculture style gardening and that sort of thing.

I used to regard almost shamefully how much of a gamer I am, but these days I am starting to feel a part of a proud community of gamer nerds.  It is becoming cool to be a gamer nerd these days and it is a huge boost to my confidence about admitting to people my love for PC games in particular.

I also used to feel slightly ashamed at being a reader, because in my mother’s side of the family in particular, to be a reader, was regarded as weird as you admitting that you are a lifestyle Klingon who actively understands the whole of the Klingon dictionary!  Actually I know some Klingon words, an ex-online long-distance boyfriend of mine was a lifestyle Klingon who moved to USA and became pretty famous for it… so there you go!

I have always wanted to be a larper too, which is something that Paul has always wanted to be too, so we might do that together someday.

But there is a whole host of other stuff I never knew I liked before recently.  Really strange things that are even starting to raise Paul’s eyebrows in confusion as to…. Why is this interesting?  But I honestly can say, I don’t know why I am finding life of bacteria, soil health and microbiology so fascinating lately; as well as the entire lifecycle and habits of bees.  I also read a lot of books on cosmology and physics and this is puzzling to Paul because I can’t do math, don’t understand any of the maths involved in all of this and therefore only understand the non-mathematical parts of the stuff I am learning.  I have dyscalculia, it is dyslexia for math, and it has been confirmed professionally by the OU.

I have been thinking about joining SkillShare to see if there are videos that would help someone like me learn math to as high as I possibly can despite this problem.  But I won’t be able to afford that for a while, until the debts have been bought down a bit.

I don’t know why I want to learn math, especially as I don’t really plan to do anything with it, other than learn stuff I don’t really need to learn because I won’t have a career in microbiology any time soon.  But it is fun stuff the bits I do understand.

I am very geeky, I admit it.  But there you go.

Another thing my family will not recognise is my eating habits.  I don’t eat like how I used to because of medical reasons.  I can’t eat lactose (dairy) at all unless it is vegan, because my stomach can process it anymore.  I shouldn’t eat gluten (wheat) because it irritates my skin and asthma, but I do slip that in more than I should and I should avoid eating more than 2 eggs a week.  Because all of this can aggravate my problems; my main diet looks like this – 70% vegetables and the rest meat or fruit.  I have less than half a plate of my usual dinner size meal per day, for the whole day.  This is regarding what my mother would expect.  When I lived with my mother it was normal to consume 4500 calories per day – since cutting out a lot of the allergen foods and because of my illness, I can barely manage 1500 calories most days.  I am on high doses of most vitamins and minerals because I can’t process a lot of them.

My mother would think I am starving to death if she saw me eating 1 chicken fillet with a Mediterranean style salad and 2 roast potato halves, which is my usual meal and often only meal of the day.  Because I just can’t physically cope with more than that anymore.  Weirdly, I am just not losing weight, but I am losing inches.

Funnily enough doctors aren’t too worried about this because according to blood tests, my iron is the best levels they’ve ever been my whole life, lately!  I used to have constant anaemia when I lived with my mother and even was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called pernicious anaemia too.  I have problems with B vitamins or something, which is now worse because of the lack of gluten in my diet, bread is rich in vitamin B, but I can’t have normal bread.

The new me is becoming very different to how I imagined I would be.  A lot of the things I thought were my deepest desires are now considered things I no longer want.  I wanted a large family, but because the cosmos has contrived to make my family as tiny as possible I have gave up fighting for it and no longer want any more children.  I never wanted to live in a rural area, I always wanted to be a suburban homesteader, but now I want to be as rural as I can get, whilst maintaining at least an hours journey from a major British city, London or Manchester.

I never wanted to become vegan, but I have to say, that my body is doing better with a plant based diet than not – though I am not giving up meat anytime soon, just yet.  But I am surprised that my diet is literally 75% plants, whereas before, it was around 20%

I am having a problem with sugar lately and I am finding candies less enjoyable than berries and vegan vanilla ice-cream.

All these are in my opinion are major changes.

I had very little respect for certain types of art and music and now I love them and will even fight for them.

I am becoming so very, very different; it is both exciting and scary!

I am shocked at who I am becoming.

Thank you for reading.

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