Tag Archives: habits

Cross of changes

This time last year I would struggle to see how my habits and day to day activities would have changed so much in such a short space of time – I would want to question, what’s happened to me?

I still do… but I think I know what’s happened…

Yes, it all goes back to my instinct that everything is going to change soon and I mean everything!

For me on a personal level, on all levels of personal life – not the world, this isn’t some kind of big major worldwide prophecy; no… it’s very personal to me.

I think this energy has spurred me on to fight for life a bit.

Though I do have setbacks, I am not as depressed as I used to be and I am not so absorbed in unhealthy things and trying to zone out as much as I was.  As I said, I do have setbacks; there are days where I wonder if I should bother to fight – but then this energy shows up and acts like some kind of motivational coach with me.

Don’t dare give up on the idea of “me” kind of energy!

Somebody is coming into my life soon, I can feel it – and I think they have a strong spiritual connection to me whoever they might be.  They don’t want me giving up on them, because by not focusing on changes in my life and by not fighting for my life, I would have given up on them!

Now this can all be in my head – I may very well be suffering from imaginary friend syndrome or something along those lines… but is it so bad for me, if it makes me get up in the morning, change my eating habits, exercise a little and make outlandish plans for myself and make me fierce about any adversary? 

If it’s a spirit tricking me, then are they really malevolent for doing so?

Except for the fact that this idealistic person not coming into my life after all and heart-breaking me a year down the line… the rest of it is pretty good, no?

So, what’s changed?

Whether for good or bad, I am not reading more than a couple of pages a day on average now.

I find it hard to sit around for longer than an hour without doing some small thing.

I am singing a lot and starting to dance a bit.

I am not playing games online for longer than an hour a day anymore.

I am talking to strangers more – OK, they are online, but I never used to bother so much until recently.

I am forcing myself to eat a high protein and Vitamin C diet.

I am trying to get 20 minutes of exercise every two days at minimum.

I am fighting to spend time and be more active in my son Henry’s life more, instead of giving up without a fight to whatever his dad wants!

I am no longer afraid of telling Paul exactly what I think about him and what’s going on in our situation in regards to the poverty, the house falling apart etc. – I am no longer accepting our life!

I am starting to get back my old high standards for myself and living in general – unfortunately there are too many obstacles but I am trying to smash them down wherever possible!

I haven’t stuck to my goals in regards to my writing, because I am too focused on my transition and because the environment is too chaotic at times.

I also decided that I am going to throw caution to the wind and practise reiki on my son to see if it helps his behaviour and it has!

Henry was diagnosed autistic last week and since I started to treat him exactly how I did my former clients and since doing reiki on him, he is a different person.  Henry and I have come to an agreement that many things we like to do or say together should be kept away from his dad, because his dad gets hot-headed about it all.

Henry likes to learn about culture and religion, particularly the Jewish aspect of our ancestry and he likes to ask questions about other religions such as Christianity and specific biblical figures such as Moses and Jesus.  But if Paul over hears us, the arguments that blow out of control is… I can’t describe it, sorry!

So Henry and I have agreed to be more private about it and talk about it when his dad is downstairs and we’re in his room together or he is in mine.

Henry clings to tradition; it’s his comfort blanket, as it is mine… I can understand that, but Paul can’t!

Henry was so excited about something he learned about Jesus today that he absent-mindedly rushed off to tell his dad – but was met with terse rejection and then Paul started ranting about his mess and stuff and Henry came back in tears to me, hugging me tightly because he doesn’t understand why his dad hates it all so much!

Because Henry was raised to dislike Jesus for being a terrorist etc – yet I put Henry straight and said on the contrary, he was a God fearing man who respected God and was even a rabbi – Henry was shocked that Jesus was Jewish and Henry admitted to me that he was always afraid of Jesus because he thought he was a bad guy.  I said, no – but what is wrong is that he is would turn in his grave if he knew people worshipped him instead of God!

Henry’s eyes literally lit up, he looked so enlightened and it was a lovely change in him, he looked genuinely joyous!

But this and other things we can’t talk about around Paul – professional wrestling, robot wars, and the history of politics and good family memories to a certain extent.

Unfortunately, it’s all the things that Henry loves and shuts himself away doing on his own for hours every night.

Henry is slowly learning there is a vast contrast between me and his dad and Henry asked me a couple of days ago – “why didn’t you even share and say these things to me before” and the answer was simple and true… because your dad wouldn’t like it!

Why am I choosing to go behind Paul’s back now?

Because Henry needs the balance, Henry feels attacked at all sides and when I don’t take any stance at all and just sit there – he looks at me imploring me for help or a response and when I just say… do as your dad says, he looks defeated and broken and that’s hard to stomach long term!  Especially when you feel that what your partner or ex-partner has just done, is wrong!

Henry’s biggest struggle in life is learning that his father will not give him a cultural identity.

Everybody needs some kind of cultural identity, even if they are mixed up like my family – it shows us where we are from and shapes who we are, take that away and you are left to wonder what you are… what do you stand for and all kinds of existential worries!

Something like that is hard on an adult, let alone a child, especially an autistic one that doesn’t even have the security blanket an autistic person needs of a regular schedule day to day.

Henry functions quite normally at school, because it is scheduled.  Since Henry was three years old, around the time I got sick – I have been fighting Paul to get dinner at 6pm sharp.  But dinner in this house can be anywhere between 4pm and 10pm, there is no regular meal time table here and its worse in the school holidays.

Since Henry’s diagnosis I have tried to instil in Paul, schedule is everything for an autistic child, please sort it out!

But it goes in one ear out the other.

It drives me crazy no having a schedule too, my stomach can’t stomach meal times that are all over the place!

You try giving a child a roast dinner an hour before he goes to bed!

I struggle sleeping if I eat too much before bed, but a child?

There are days where we have our dinner and we have our crepes for pudding and fifteen minutes later, it’s come on Henry, bed time!

After all these years and all the times I’ve told him – it’s got to change, it never has!

I am grateful I am getting better physically – that I am able to do a little around the house, not much – because my efforts aren’t respected, they are usually undone in a couple of hours by Paul.  But – I am trying to really fight to take back control over the house.

So I can stand on my own two feet and do so well enough that I can move out into my own home!

Paul is becoming rebellious lately because he knows what’s up; I haven’t hidden anything from him.

We had a good friendship which seems to be slowly turning toxic since he found that other lady – which no longer is in his life.  He has tried to make amends with me, tried to bump up a little affection by being more mindful about hugs goodnight and goodbye etc. – but I am rejecting them, because he originally rejected me.

I lived in this house dotingly knowing that I was never happy here, that the house was a disgrace, that the environment was uncomfortable, that he was financially lazy and insecure and that he didn’t have any inclination towards intimacy with me and he certainly never defended me from our neighbour.  I did so dotingly because it was my family and I made do… I don’t want to make do anymore, because I realised that I was more loyal to him than he was to me and that was a big slap in the face!

I can and will tolerate a lot from a person if I know that they love and want me – take that away from me and I won’t stay, I don’t like leaving people, but if I know I am unwanted or easily disposed of, it makes it hard for me to want to try and make do.

I really will tolerate so much from a person, if they remain consistent in letting me know how much they love, respect and want me!  Just those things, that’s all I require oh and don’t humiliate me or insult my intelligence. 

I can tolerate so much; I tolerate rude behaviour, wacky behaviour, selfish behaviour, jealousy, and control, loss of identity, being made to become a tireless servant and to a certain extent a little aggression.  But I can’t tolerate humiliation, being reminded I am disposable, people constantly correcting me, because they believe I am stupid or misinformed. 

As long as you want me, respect me, love me, never humiliate me or treat me like I am stupid – then we’re going to be OK! 

Because my very nature is easy-going, I go with the flow and I blend in with whatever people and environment I am around the most, I am a chameleon – I am happy to be like that.  I thrive on love and acceptance and I give so much back and I don’t complain – I may cheerfully joke around and be sarcastic about my guy’s malchauvinistic ways or ego or mock affronted about their laziness… but its all in jest, really I wouldn’t want things to be different.  I miss those kinds of relationships, which is why I used to be heavily involved in the BDSM lifestyle, I wanted a husband like that.

They love me, they keep me, they get everything – I make sure to give the world to them and more if I could!

Hopefully the guy would be a touchy feely kind of guy, hands on, obsessed slightly – because I like being touched and I touching too!  In normal relationships I am too clingy, I am too passive, I am too needy or odd because I want to do things for them all the time… does that make sense?  I know the only guys who appreciate the kind of woman I am, are those in the lifestyle who aren’t emotionally distant and healing from some obscure emotional wounds from their past.  The kind of dominants who know what they want and will get it out of me by hook or by crook!

I find the most painful thing about being in a relationship like that is being ignored for too long!  Or not being given a sense of duty or daily tasks to fulfil and it can be hard when things aren’t regularly appreciated in some way – when there is no reward, whether just verbal or otherwise.

Yes I know, I sound pathetic – but it’s just me and it’s what makes me tick!

I think that if these spiritual insights aren’t founded to be true within a few months’ time, but I manage to get fit enough to leave Paul… I may go back into the lifestyle, look for a dominant or a daddy figure and do that rather than be alone.

Thing is, most dominants don’t like women over 28yrs old, especially if she wants to have more children like I do!

So I may not get what I want from life soon enough.

But I am trying so hard to manifest this, you have no idea!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Defining myself

A little bit of me

Sorry I forgot to schedule something for today, didn’t mean for this to be late.

My ultimate favourite colour is Royal Purple, followed by lime green, orange and chocolate brown.

I dislike the colour grey in anything other than suits and rocks and I dislike large blocks of white or ivory colours.

My ultimate favourite animal in the whole wide world are dogs, followed by goats, guinea pigs, rabbits, cheetahs, corvids (crows, magpies, ravens), snakes, bats and bears.

I didn’t have arachnophobia until I have been bitten several times because I picked spiders up and I developed an allergy to their bites, which is saying something because in the UK our spiders aren’t venomous generally.

I laugh, cry and talk in my sleep.

The more nervous I am or worried about anything, the less likely I am to shut up, I can talk for hours!

I say “ooh” quite a lot if I am excited or find something interesting.

I am like a squirrel with a huge caffeine rush generally, but especially after eating sugary food, exercising or having sex. Energiser bunny indeed!

I always forget grape tomatoes squirt when cut wrong!

My nervous stomach can be quite loud at times and often the subject of embarrassment.

I can’t be physically active or go for a walk within fifteen minutes of eating, as I have slow digestion issues and activity after eating will make me ill.

When given a hot beverage, I am the last to drink it because I can’t drink molten lava like the rest of the world, so in order to be social I shrug and ask for water as people tend to take my undrunk tea away before I am ready and I never get to drink anything!

I struggle to be graceful with biscuits/cookies as to me they are all bite sized… in public I am well behaved but at home, I am faster than the cookie monster and put them in my mouth whole like a greedy little gannet.  This is why I like American cookies; it makes me look less savage as they are so big!

I appear to be in a constant state of awe and wonder, primarily because I am – the world is baffling to me and beautiful.

I am prone to mixing my words up and having what is referred to as “spoonerisms”, or I am prone to forgetting the name of things, people and words in general.  You know, like that big round thing that bounces?  A what you call it… sphere like thing… ball!  That’s it – ball!

One famous spoonerism I had whilst living with Paul was “buttered nymph” I can’t remember what I actually wanted to say to him.

Sometimes my brain works too fast and that’s why I have them.  For example I might want to say “what a superb plinth” but it might come out as “Splinth”.

My spleen swells when I have mustard or soy, I am also sort of allergic to pineapple –cooked pineapple is ok, but sometimes raw makes my mouth swell for some reason.  I can’t eat flax/linseed either because of the spleen. 

I hate marmite.

Favourite ice-cream flavour is probably raspberry ripple or chocolate mint or strawberry. 

I hate pistachio ice-cream.

I have insomnia and hypersomnia, so weird and so I sleep whenever I can.

I have asthma, rheumatic arthritis, IBD, IBS, Auto-immune inner ear disease, pernicious anaemia, PTSD and a disabled left hand due to twisted tendons as 100% confirmed conditions.

I have had fifteen operations in my whole life, only three of them major. The worst one was when I was a teenager I had a full mastoidectomy which took to years to recover fully from. For two whole years I couldn’t bend over, turn suddenly, move my head fast, or wash my hair without assistance. My mastoid infection was ignored by my mum until it was really too late, almost.

The consultant who saved my life said he had never seen an infection that bad in his whole forty year career, give or take forty eight hours and the infection would have eaten into my brain he estimated.

This is why I gave up swimming and judo as potential careers.

My PTSD is triggered by aggressive people, shouting and sudden moves near me that is fast and unexpected.  I am quite jumpy to sudden things, if I know what to expect I am generally quite calm.

I have to have special treatment when I go to the dentist because medical procedures of the mouth are a bad anxiety trigger for me, because of bad things happening to me when I was young.  Being forced fed to the point the fork ripped my mouth, having a doctor be impatient with me they split my lip when they needed to give me treatment in hospital and a bunch of other things.

If you look very closely to my mouth, you’ll see they are uneven because of the scars, well maybe not; Paul has been looking for years and reckons he can’t see it.

I have a hearing aid for the left ear.  I should have one for the right too, but I have a condition of the inner ear which causes my right ear in particular to have eczema inside it, so I am advised never to wear a hearing aid in that ear – so I am completely deaf in that ear. 

Despite being deaf I have never learned to sign.  I am considered profoundly deaf and eligible for a hearing dog; I rely heavily on vibration, like a bat really… and lip reading.  Echoic places are difficult for me as are dense places where sound can’t flow from wall to wall.

I have to wear corrective lenses all the time because I am so short sighted I can’t see my own feet without them, thanks to a head injury I sustained from my mum when I was 10yrs old, lucky she didn’t blind me as I have astigmatism.

My biggest goal in life was to have five children and I haven’t succeeded in that, yet; awfully jealous of large loving families.

When in a relationship I like to touch and be touched a lot as I was attention starved as a child and crave physical attention almost all the time, unfortunately I consider myself to be a bit clingy when I find someone who reciprocates.  Touch is addictive, except the times when your hands get too sweaty because you held them for too long and me being in a constant state of anxiety means that too long could be a whole minute – lol.  Well time to lock arms then, eh?

Outside of my hobbies, writing, reading and normal schedules, I do tend to need to be guided to do other things as I get stuck in a rut a lot.  It’s difficult when I have a partner who just lets me get on with things too much and if I chose to do nothing, well, that’s OK to them.  I don’t like that, I hate not being useful and challenged.

I am very competitive and I end up with very humble unassuming people who are very laid back – it’s hard to improve around people like that.  I need the stimulation from others to improve myself and I love competition!

I am a very goal oriented/motivated person, but it’s hard doing it when no one else is reminding you or even nagging you about it!

I remember going for a jog before I got ill and found it hard to do three laps around the park, Paul’s attitude was, well let’s go and sit down then.  I didn’t need to hear that, I needed to be told, come on you can finish this lap at least and have them motivate me by showing me they aren’t tired yet either.  Pah, but people like that are gold dust to me!

I have to admit living with Paul has made me incredibly lazy as there is nothing to push me and I have progressively got less fit, this is why I made the changes in my life early this summer.  It was all a way of me getting fit enough to socialise and find those kinds of people to bring into my life again – because this life I have right now is really boring.

But as much as I like to be humble and modest, I will admit one thing and that is I am a huge attention whore!  I like praise, I like to be noticed, I like people being friendly to me and I love compliments!

Why?

Because I love feeling loved and I love loving.

There is a dark side to me too, one thing I am slightly, only slightly, ashamed of and that is when I was slimmer, I enjoyed peoples envy.  They envied my hourglass figure, they envied my hair, they envied the attention I got from men and I do miss that.

But despite the envy I was never horrible.  I always tried to make people feel good about themselves if they are nice, but I did enjoy that they envied me, because there is one major vice I have and that is I am prone to being the green eyed monster and so it made a change someone else was envious of me instead.

I hold grudges if people are mean to me.  I try not to, but I was raised by a mega bitch and the apple didn’t fall too far regarding this trait.  If someone hurts my feelings, I will pay it back sometimes.  But mostly I am just passive aggressive or I keep away from the person for diplomacy sake.  The problem comes when I avoid people and they ask why – because I am so damned blunt and honest!

Paul has often said I can destroy a person with just one sentence, ouch.

Luckily though, I think I’ve changed a bit.  I am slow to react these days because I have realised people generally can’t help themselves for being rude.  So I plodder on until they get too obnoxious.

But gosh am I easy to rile up if I know someone else thought the same as I did about a person?

I prefer kindness. Treat everyone as your favourite cousin and make them feel good wherever possible.

My creativity is a funny thing; I find inspiration in the weirdest of places.  I am a cloud gazer for example and I see funny shapes in shadows on blankets etc.  Sometimes when my glasses are off, I mistake a leaf under the table for a fairy peeking at me.

But that’s a little insight to me.

Happy reading…

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Filed under About Me

The writers block monster

It is time that people stopped believing in the writer’s block monster, because for professional writers, this really doesn’t exist unless you are incredibly stressed and even then it is just an excuse to not write anything.  I am not a professional writer and since I taught my brain to think differently about writing and what I write, writers block has never occurred.  You really do need to train your brain into thinking differently and here is how.

A good way to conquer writers block and make it a thing of your past is to simply look about and clasp your eyes on something beautiful, unusual, interesting, anything.  A bowl of fruit, a particular fruit in that bow, your cat or dog, events going on outside the house that you can see from your window, anything can help you to get back on track to writing.

You see, being a writer doesn’t mean that you sit down day in and day out writing the same thing over and over again or the same story even, until it is perfect before you go into your next project – no!  An average writer writes a lot of different things, most of the time those things never ever lead into a story or poem at all.  Because by and large it is the practise of writing which makes you a better writer, not dishing out as many finished projects that you are proud of sharing with others, most of your work will never be read by anyone but yourself.  It is also good practise to not get into the habit of throwing work away if you feel it is not going anywhere, because you never know when you might need it. 

You see practise really does make perfect.  So look at that bowl of fruit over there and write about it, make at least a one full page description of it.  What does it look like?  Where are the shadows falling?  What are the textures you can clearly see?  Are there any fragrances emanating from the bowl to entice you to eat?  You’d be surprised at how much you can write about this.

It all helps you progress not only into becoming a better writer, but a writer who actually writes regularly, daily – it helps you form the writing habit, which is essential if you want a career in writing eventually, because once the door is opened to you, you’d be expected to write a lot, so forming the habit of writing and thinking about writing practise snippets is really an essential part of an everyday writers life.  You really have to stop believing in the writer’s block monster, because there are endless opportunities to write about something – anything!

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Brain Drain