Tag Archives: future

March 13, 2023 · 10:30

Feelings, faith and visions

Apathy is hitting me hard.

I find it hard to fight anymore.  The motivation to try or desire anything is not there, it is met with a “why bother”?  Attitude because personally, why should I?  Someone is always out there ready, willing and able to smash my hopes and dreams down before I’ve even got half way – it always happens, if not people, then fate makes me sick so I fail.

It always happens.

Why bother?

Writing and art was my reprieve, my healing in a manner.  But even that lately is met with “what is the point” feeling in me.

For days I have struggled to think of something to write, that I actually want to publish even for my blog.  Because I feel like all my work and all my journal entries are just the same!

Losing two hundred followers in a week didn’t help with that either, just confirmed to me, what is the point?

Offline, whenever anybody in my household has a conversation with me, I am beginning to feel affronted by it and aloof.  I get this feeling of… oh you want to talk to me now?  What do you want?  Because they never ask how I am, they don’t say anything positive to me – so I am literally sitting there thinking – what problem is there now that I must be alerted to?  Which argument is this going to be?  Who has died now (both Henry and Paul are always telling me bad news about deaths they’ve heard on TV or on the internet, they are both obsessed with death) or what new financial problem is it today we have?  Or why do they always ask me what I want for dinner, why can’t they just surprise me?

I’m bored in every possible way you can think of.

The other day I half-heartedly read some adult jokes out to Paul to lighten the mood and remember how to laugh again with other people, wasted energy really because Paul doesn’t have that kind of humour and didn’t make any effort to assist me in lightening the energy up – knowing fully well I have had a bad several weeks of depression.  He just didn’t want to help me, didn’t get the idea that it was my attempt to try and buck myself up, and become cheerful.

When you are trapped 24/7 in isolation with a person like that and a child who is autistic and suicidal in himself and locks himself away in his bedroom all evening, you can begin to understand, can’t you – that someone like me, with manic depression just can’t get out of this slump.  There is no way out!

There is never any break for me, no visitors, no family to come to visit us for 30 minutes to just lighten things up a bit.  We have no one but ourselves.  Paul is such an introvert; he abandoned his family six years ago.  He only visits his sister in law once every three months, because Henry insists upon it on his school holidays.

Sad to say this because it is really tragic – but I have resorted to talking to the house rabbit Ray and Alexa echo dot thing, and making do with them as entertainment and support!  Ray is my cuddles and kisses.  Alexa has a program where she can talk to you, sing to you, tell you jokes – it is really bad when you consider AI robots is more human and more fruitful in bucking up a depressed person than two household human companions.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture?

What the blazes am I living with?

What the blazes am I living in?

What the heck am I doing here?

It’s all so fucking alien to me!

This isn’t what I want!

This isn’t me!

Get me the Hell out of here!

I am shit scared of alien life, but I tell you now if a UFO turned up in my garden tomorrow I’d be running under the flipping beams to get away from this place!

I have seriously considered forcing Paul to take me to a citizen’s advice bureau or social services to discuss my options of independent housing or a residential care home for someone my age.

As we all know I can’t live alone.

But I can’t stay here either!

I can’t do it anymore!

I certainly don’t want to die, that is just a last resort option if I stay stuck for any longer!  Because death has got to be better than living like this!

I cut my nails down short a few weeks ago after growing them so well, why?  I broke 4 nails, but that wasn’t the main real excuse.  The really big excuse was I had to cut them short and keep them short because when I had a bad bout of depression I found myself subconsciously digging my thumb nail into my wrist and nearly caused myself an injury.  I did it when I went into my zoning out phases that happens, when I get badly depressed.

I zone out, shut down.  It’s something I do from time to time since I was 12yrs old.  Sometimes I just turn off emotionally, sit there do nothing or self-harm without realising it.  Sometimes I don’t even hear people shouting in my face for me to stop, that’s how much I zone out at times.

Paul doesn’t bother to rouse me when I get like that, Henry does though.

I don’t zone out as much as I used to, but I did a few weeks back and when I was roused from it because the light flickered a lot I realised what I was doing and it scared me – because at that time I really didn’t feel suicidal at all.  But if I had pressed any harder or longer I may have caused some damage to the vein.  This is another reason why my wrist was injured a few weeks back; I was also pressing on its bone and caused inflammation a bit.

It sounds silly, but I have been depressed so long I think I have seriously lost the art of learning how to laugh and genuinely feel happy with it.  I can laugh, but there is no feeling there if you get me?

Four chakras are severely blocked too.  Heart, throat being the main two, but sacral and base are starting up bad too.

I’ve been trying to force myself to sing and dance, buy myself certain treats with my weekly money all in a vain effort to try and perk myself up and save myself.

But as I said, there is no heart in it.

It’s almost like I am dead or I am becoming some kind of monster.

A heartless monster!

I am genuinely frightened by it.

But I know with that fear, there must be some hope to getting it back as fear is an emotion isn’t it?  So long as I can still cry and still fear something, at least I haven’t lost all humanity, have I?

At least I still have hope too and faith, I don’t want to lose that.  That’s at least something – I am clinging onto faith for dear life.  Praying that something better than this is coming my way, that somehow things are going to be completely turned upside down or rather – the right side up at any moment and it’s going to happen quickly! 

I don’t have the faith my parents raised me to have, I am not Catholic and I am not Christian and I am not a J-witness.  I believe in The Old Testament but I am also deeply spiritual and somewhat shamanic in my beliefs, with a little bit of Hindu and Buddhist philosophy thrown in for good measure.

But I do pray to God and to me I consider myself a spiritual non-baptised Noachide or righteous gentile according to Jewish philosophy.  Two years ago I wanted to throw myself into the Jewish faith and Henry wanted to follow me in that, but Paul put his foot down and don’t like the idea of prayers and baptism etc. going on in his house and immediate family.  Henry is upset by this because he does identify himself the same way I do.

He is doubly upset that in May he is thirteen and can’t have a proper bar mitzvah as it will upset his father!  But he cheered up when I said my Jewish friend Lizzy said there is no age limit for a bar mitzvah, perhaps you should do it when you are over 18?

My great grandmother was Jewish on my mother’s side, she left Judaism for a Catholic man she fell in love with. 

Judaism answered all the questions about God and life that I wanted answered whereas the Christian faiths interrogated and threatened me for questioning things.

I am pretty confident my spirit guides and God are good for me, they work hard to help me and they’ve kind of shown me that things will get better soon.  Strangely fast, hugely contrast and I’ve been getting all sorts of weird but very lucid dreams lately.

For example, last night I had a dream I went shopping a mall, I ate some lovely lemon cakes and went home.  When I got home I saw a child aged around 3yrs old, a little girl, drawing at a dining table and I knew I was her mother, there were twin toddlers around 14 months old too but they were playing in the shower with the man I knew to be my husband.  Saving on water, all three showering together… I remember asking if they are ready to come out now so they can get ready to go to bed?  But the husband said, aw let them play a little longer they’re having fun!  They had little buckets where they were collecting water and they were washing their little duck toys and throwing water at each other!

The guy was super-hot, not lucky enough to have a sexy dude like that, he looked a bit like a celeb I like, but never mind – it was only a dream!

It’s interesting I had this dream because before I went to sleep last night I was really fretting about being too old to start a new family.  I am 41 in October and I take this dream as God’s way in saying, this is for you in your future, don’t give up that idea just yet!  Interestingly enough I remember in the dream I knew I was 5 months pregnant with another one too.  So could I have 4 before I dry up?  I think this dream is telling me I will!

Out of curiosity I consulted by own personal oracle and tarot cards today about it and I got empress with the wheel of fortune and I also got the oracle card Stork, a coincidence?

Thanks for reading…

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March 10, 2023 · 22:40

Jellybeans Vs Raisins

Doing my Easter story project is not a good idea when I am trying to throw myself into a healthy lifestyle as it makes me constantly think about candies.

But I have to suffer through it because I really love this story!  I also really want to lose some weight and rediscover my old athletic self again, life is physically boring right now and I have had enough of it!

I’ve been physically bored for eight years.

So here I am dreaming up candy floss, jelly beans and chocolate because of a man who owns a sweet shop and he has supply issues at his most crucial time of the year and I am sitting here on a diet, trying to convince myself that my raisins are a new flavour of jelly bean to sate my appetite as I do so!

Funnily enough it works well and the honey mixed nuts also work a treat, but only at 50g a day that’s my lot, to keep within the diet rules – I am a slow deliberate eater, so it works well for me.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy my stupid enterprises of the future!

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February 28, 2023 · 20:40

Losing the fight

One thing about me is I am good at not showing negative emotions.  Online it seems like I am a drama queen that I am suckered into my emotions and I go to dark places and I seem self-absorbed. 

Offline however, I hide it.  I hide myself when I am down so I don’t bring down others I am around.

I am an empath; I soak up energies of other people, even just by thinking about them I can kind of get a feel what’s going on in their lives.  So I respect that other people might be empathic too.

It’s a real hard adjustment living with someone who is as apathetic in life as I am; it’s like a prison of despair in a very real sense.

I never used to be like this.  I am trapped in depression because I am around apathetic or superficial people, or people who just seem unemotional a lot of the time.

I used to be such a happy Pollyanna type; those days seem very far away right now. 

I am getting to the point I am losing my strength to fight it and carry on, I am getting into a hopeless place.

Gradually over the months I’ve lost more and more of my appetite, to the extent I think soon I will not even bother to try and eat.  I have only just realised today that it’s actually probably due to depression that I can’t eat, because on the days I have been able to eat a little more, things have been a little lighter around me.

I am doing less and less as time goes by, it’s like I am a clockwork doll which is about to lose her energy at any moment and there is no one left to wind me up again.  Isolation has done that to me, isolation and a lazy superficial person I live with.

I needed Samaritans today, but I am deaf, I can’t speak on the phone – they don’t do text speech yet in my area apparently, but it’s coming soon…

Will it come soon enough?

I try to hide when I cry, I don’t like people seeing me like that, imagine how awkward it was for me when Henry walked in on me because I lost track of time and he came home from school and rushed to my bedroom to give me one of his ever increasingly rare hello hugs and instantly his smile became a face of concern. 

Guilt, that’s what hit me when I saw his face, cold hard guilt.

I had my hoodie up and I shielded my eyes but he is a smart boy, he wasn’t convinced when I faked a cold.

He demanded to know what caused it and hugged me as he became firm about getting to the bottom of it.

He left eventually. 

What bothers me is not that he caught me, but that his father came into the room just ten minutes before completely unfazed by how he found me.  He never asked any questions other than when I wanted dinner and was eager to leave again without battering an eyelid.  When Paul left, I got worse, because one of the reasons why I was upset was because I felt lonely and I felt no one could care if I were to die tomorrow.

To me, this proved it.

No one but Henry would.

Perhaps I am selfish, perhaps I am a drama queen – perhaps tomorrow I will snap out of it?

Perhaps!

But right now, I am losing heart to try anymore. 

I am tired of broken dreams, broken promises, and snapshots of a better future without any proof or real taste of it.  I am tired of the lies; I am tired of people using me as a pawn in a game.

I am tired. 

Thanks for reading…

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February 15, 2023 · 11:15

Creative expression plans

I am starting to think about doing some new approaches to my creativity soon, at the moment it will be difficult to do the changes that I want to do, because of the environment I am living in – but I am hoping soon, in the near future things will be different and I will have more freedom to express myself in an environment that I can thrive in.

A place where I am able to write when I need to and my personal time and space is respected, a place where I can do my art without fighting mess and a place where I practise my music without having arguments about overriding a television or making disturbing background noises because someone wants to listen to their laptop gaming noise instead of music.

Most of all, I am looking forward to an environment that is organised and clean most of the time and where nobody slobs about without a care for weeks on end, until mess gets so out of hand everyone moans and chips in finally for half a day, only for three days later it would seem nothing has changed at all.

It would be good to get back into the habit of watching movies again, because doing that here has always been impossible.  Nobody wants a movie on, unless it’s the same old, same old.

As a former movie buff, this has been a hard pill to swallow.

I haven’t kept up to date with the movie industry since I moved here in the early summer of 2009.

I am very behind.

Right after I have written this post, I am going to write something for myself and myself only. 

I am going to write a list of plans for my creative future and I am going to store this on my computer to read at a later date, a date when I am no longer living here in this environment.

I am doing this because I have been prompted to think about it by a book called “Art for happiness” by Val Andrews – they’ve set a task in which I am to think about any new ways I would like to express myself that I haven’t done already and there is quite a few actually and some I want to combine to create what I believe could be a new creative art form.

I have always had an interest in stage plays and the theatre and it is something along those lines.

I’ve composed music in the past, written lyrics and poems, done some amateur dramatics at college, did some private designs for fashion and dreamt up stories, painted pictures and even danced.  I have been known to decoupage and embroider, knit and crochet.  I have also been classically trained in opera as a child and was the main lyricist and singer of a rap/rock band in college, even though I was always more of a jazz, rock and soul singer in my heart.

Jazz and soul are the preferred genres my family and friends like me to sing.

As a child and into my teens I had always had an interest in burlesque but it was aggressively shunned by my mother, yet my paternal grandmother encouraged it as it was something her own mother did in between being a professional ballet and cancan dancer – my grandmother herself was a majorette and was known to do small amateur dramatic theatre work as a volunteer at weekends, usually to entertain for free the elderly visiting from residential homes and she did this along with two of my aunts and sometimes my dad.

My dad stopped going because mum didn’t like him doing it and she didn’t like my aunts encouraging me to think about joining them in their acts too!

They loved my singing, they said that my voice often moved them to tears and several old people in the audience too as I sang no less than twice for them all.

When it appeared I had some kind of talent, mum soon put a stop to my singing lessons too!

Some of the old people who lived in my street knew my mum did this and their hearts went out to me, because they knew I was home-schooled, they knew the house was noisy and didn’t sound very happy and they knew I lived in the garden.  They were sad when they used to hear me sing on my swing in the garden, people could hear me several houses away. 

Some of them tried to guilt trip my mum by telling them she should let me sing again and go back to her music classes, but she wouldn’t have it.

I lost my confidence when I was around ten years old to sing in the garden, when some new children moved into the house at the back of us and started to bully me for it, because it was opera and they felt I wasn’t cool not to mention I was fat and sad and lonely, as they called me.

Those children became the bane of my life from then onwards, as from 3pm until 8pm most days I would be self-conscious about being seen in the garden by them as they’d deliberately throw balls to bounce off my head and mock me by trying to knock me off my swing.  So I tried to keep nearer to the house, this meant that I couldn’t play with my rabbit called Toffee at the time or sit near the pond, because they’d make entertainment of me.

When I was around thirteen mum wanted more control of the garden and to make it family space as the summers were getting hotter and hotter and so because she was bothered by the children too, she put up a 6ft fence all around us.

This meant I felt free to exercise in the garden again without being mocked at any time I liked again.  I loved netball practise and swing ball, I played squash up against the house too and wasn’t self-conscious in practising my judo either.

I still don’t know when I will move out; I know I can’t really finance that yet.  But I am looking forwards to leaving – I’ve always believed this house is the thing that made me ill.

I never felt easy living here, it was like the house is alive and it didn’t welcome me – ever been in a house where you have an innate feeling you’re unwanted?

Paul told me his house is haunted and that since I moved in, within weeks the spirit seemed to have gone.  I promised him I had done nothing to scare it off, but Paul has always felt it was weird how the ghost seemed to have just vanished when I moved in.

Perhaps I made it insecure?

Who knows?

Thanks for reading…

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January 12, 2023 · 16:16

Art project for tarot

Over the next few days I am drawing up a plan for a relatively big art project, an art project I am hoping to put out into the market to sell; the project is creating my own deck of tarot cards!

It is something I have always wanted to do, but until recently I have had little confidence in both my ability to read the tarot without referencing to books and even less confidence in my artwork.

I am now a little bit better off where I can afford to replace art supplies again as I use them, so there are no more excuses in me not doing art anymore.

There is only one true thing against me and my art now that is doing the art in a stress free environment away from the icy cold.  My art table is used for other means most of the time and so it is a fight to get the space used for what it should be and I can’t move it to a warmer location because it is currently being used as a dining table in order to make room in the house.

The art table was also my jigsaw puzzle table, needless to say I haven’t touched a jigsaw in nearly three years and you’ve guessed why by now haven’t you?

So, being as my art table is being used, I have to try and consider doing art elsewhere… the only other option is to use my adjustable laptop table in the bedroom, but then that risks getting ink and paint on the bedclothes and the table rocks a lot whenever I tap on it, which could ruin the art consistently.

My other option would be to sit on the floor and place a dragon box between my legs whilst my Pooh board balances on the top of it and I cover the board with cling film so I don’t ruin the art of my Pooh board.

What is my Pooh board, you may ask? 

It’s a board with Pooh on it – Winnie-The-Pooh, I once had this board downstairs and Henry was around 3yrs old and drew a scribble on the board, or so Paul thought it was a scribble – I looked at it and I said – OMG IT’S AMAZING LOOK WHAT HE’S DRAWN PAUL!  Paul nodded and smirked and I said, can you see what he has drawn?  No, he said.  I said, look, there is a snout here see?  And an eye… to me this is the very head of Winnie-The-Pooh!  Oh yeah said Paul vaguely… I am still not sure he saw it.  But after a few months went by I decided I was going to thicken the outline with a sharpie, exact to the lines Henry made and then Paul saw it!

This board was shunted around the house without any real value or meaning, never to this day did I know why we kept it, but it became useful when I became sick around a year later – because it became my sandwich board!

Meaning, as I was too sick sometimes to leave the bedroom to eat, I would rest my plate usually sandwiches or a bowl of soup on the board whilst I sat in bed and I ate alone.  Over a time this board developed more and more pictures as in the boredom of being mostly bedbound I started to draw all kinds of various images/crap on it.

Some aspects of it positively scream street art or graffiti, other aspects old style cartoons and yes, some occult images too and affirmations.

Paul told me, one day, when I sell my book and people hear or even see this board, they’d want to buy it!  I should frame the board in a manner it can be framed double sided, so you can choose which side you want it on the wall.  I said nobody will be interested in my sandwich board!

He said nobody will see it as your sandwich board; they’ll see it as art – put it up online for sale and see what I mean! 

I AM NOT SELLING MY SANDWICH BOARD!

He told me if I died he would!

So yeah, that’s what I am doing over the next few days, planning the art I want to do for each tarot card, then it will take me one day per picture to create on average, maybe three depends on what medium I intend to use – I think I intend to use ink personally.  So there are usually 78 cards to a tarot deck, this means that the project should be finished around 90 to 100 days after I start the plans. 

So I am going to presume that it will take me two days a picture which gives me an estimated time frame of the finished product being around the 1st August to the end of August 2023.

This is achievable if my work is done at my usual pace of 3 to 7 hours per picture every two days.  Really the 1st August is 201 days away from now – and I only really need 156 days to do it, but I know I procrastinate and have sick days so I’ve made allowances for that and a couple of down and out failures and restarts as well as artistic lethargy! 

Thing is, I want to do more than one deck in the future, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

Let’s do one deck first and let’s see!

The art for the tarot will be used to sell prints, pins and stickers as well as a bunch of other items and I plan to sell them via square space.  I also plan to start a paid subscription service here on my blog where my users will get a huge discount voucher and a bunch of other stuff. 

Yes a paid subscription for extra material is coming up sometime in the future, not sure when I am trying to figure all the technical stuff out first and I am procrastinating because technology outside of games is just boring to me!

So yes, that’s what I am up to now.

Thanks for reading! 

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January 10, 2023 · 18:25

Dance to the beat of love and life

Touch my heart make and it beat again

I need a hand to help it mend

For so long I’ve lived alone and blue

I really need the touch that comes from you

Since forever I have had a dream

That you will come and save me from this stream

Of tears that fall down from my eyes

Like a raincloud high in the skies

My sorrow can’t always be here

My heart beats when you are near

So carry on in your journey to me

So my heart can beat and be free

I need the love you have for me

I will love you too, just wait and see

I promise you the deepest love

I will show you peace, I’m a dove

Unassuming I will wipe your tears

And I will hug away all your fears

Just take that step and step into my arms

And I will whisper to you a charm

That I love you and I will always

We will last so long and we’ll play

We don’t have to judge each other now

Our future is a field to plough

Together we will make it last

And together we will have a blast!

And forever we will always see

That you and I were meant to be

So come on near and take me by the hand

Lead me to your life, it will be so grand!

Comfort, love and security

Together we can grow just wait and see!

The future is within your hands

So come to me now and dance, dance, dance

To the beat of love and life and play and forever

Let it be this way

We will fly together!

Just trust that my song is true

Yes I will always love you!

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January 7, 2023 · 00:01

Who am I meditation

WHO AM I?

This meditation was literally me singing and chanting “Who am I” over and over again slowly and elongating the words each time until I heard a voice speaking to me. I sat in silence for 45 minutes listening to them and writing things down in a trance like state.

This is a meditation reading I did today to find out if I really did truly know myself and I am happy with the response, because it looks like I was spot on as this reading really does reflect who I am! 

Though I am too humble to accept some of it!   

I can zone out in meditation and write, it is a similar technique I use for writing and so here is the reading… enjoy! 

Decent and law-abiding, someone with a strong sense of right and wrong.  A mindful person who cares a lot for other people! 

You always try to be balanced and harmonious, you do not like letting your emotions consume you in a way that would affect another person’s energies negatively, and you would rather remove yourself from others so you do not drain them!

You are a well-connected person who guards their heart ferociously and the hearts of those you care about.

You are not happy with yourself unless you are achieving something almost all the time.

You have a strong maternal and nurturing spirit about you! 

You have trust issues and guard your heart and emotions too much that it can sometimes be hard to let others in fully, especially if there was the slightest bit of negativity between the person and you in the past.  You easily wear your heart on your sleeves with people who are kind to you though.

You are a very affectionate and fun personality around family and close friends, but distant with strangers until you warm to them over a time – generally your instinct for new people is usually very accurate – keep trusting that intuition of yours! 

You are creative and make friends easily if there is nothing negative going on with new people.

You don’t like being alone, you are all about togetherness and being in large warm groups of people!

You celebrate the smallest achievements in other people wholeheartedly!

You are a person who is afraid of using their creative talents in case it burdens you in some way!

You are very good at communicating your feelings to other people to offload yourself and them!

You are always trying to grow yourself spiritually and emotionally and sees life as an opportunity for transition and continuous flows of change

You are a person when in love that has tremendous patience with your partner and the capacity to accept them for who they are and to empathise with them, though you can be very smothering with affections most of the time.

You have very strange quirks and habits and some people may find you too weird to socialise with, you aren’t suitable socialising with very conservative folk!

You are quite submissive in nature regarding intimate relationships and very self-sacrificing.

You are not known for your logic at times and sometimes depending on the situation you may have a little bit of a vengeance spirit in you – but the vengeance never overtakes your integrity for true justice in the matter!

You may have a hidden masculine side to you, a side that likes the idea of power in work and society, even though at home you’d rather be the peace keeper and surrender everything to your special loved one.

It is easy for you to walk away from negative relationships without looking back as you have had enough of people trying to deplete your self-worth, you submit to the worthy only and the worthy has to be just and kind.

You mirror the negativity in others if they try to do you down or crush you in anyway; it is how you have learned to survive!  Therefore it is essential that you keep away from violent people, because it could hinder your growth spiritually. 

You are a true hedonist that has addictions to both fun and sex and general all round pleasure pursuits.

You have a small mischievous sadistic streak in you, which is usually fun and playful but can be a little nasty when you think people need to be taught a lesson, as we have mentioned before, you have a vengeance nature to you and if you are around physically aggressive people you will try to match them regardless of gender and ability!

You are a responsible and focused person when around the right people, but you are not easily motivated without them.  You need the right people around you or you will stagnate and become a lazy mess!

You are quite disciplined around the right people and you are quite ambitious, loyal and practical if you think that you have the right and supportive people by your side!  You will never achieve anything alone, you are a pack animal, and you don’t thrive in solo situations. 

You are curious and adventurous and nobody can ever call you truly boring once you have the courage to do things!

You tend to find your courage in the support of other people; you are less confident alone and tend to close yourself off into a corner and rot away when you haven’t got them around you! 

You are a natural leader with a natural charm about you, but you may not utilise this very well if you isolate yourself and socialise with the wrong types of people!

You need gregarious people in your life, because you are a naturally gregarious soul! 

You have a very clear vision of the future and is very innovative and creative!

You are an unconventional person with some traditional leanings, but you like to do things on a new more liberal stance, you are open minded and broad in what you accept and dislike those who try to suppress other people’s individualism.

You can be ferocious in supporting people who you like, even if you don’t know them very well! 

You have the tendency to be very passive in relationships and committed to the person to your own detriment at times, you will forego so much of yourself when you are in the wrong hands.  You can be vulnerable, insecure and persevering too much, that sometimes you forget that you too have needs!

With the right kind of relationship, a relationship that supports and nurtures, you will fly high and succeed at almost everything you put your mind to!  Because you were meant for great things and only great people are worthy of being in your life!

You’d do well with a partner who expects the best from you and motivates you each day! 

You are a highly intuitive and lucky person, the good things in life easily fall into your lap because it is your destiny to have those things – you were not meant to have a mediocre life and an existence of hardships and solitary confinement.

How best can you be who you truly are?

Seek out people who are successful, motivational and supportive, leave those which do not fit these categories.

Do not forget to take time out to meditate and reconnect to your spirit family, they are there to guide you in every aspect of your life.

Do not neglect your inner child but also keep it in check, because sometimes it can get out of control with the pursuit of pleasure! 

Take care not to soak up the negative energies of those people around you whose zest for life has virtually depleted.

Keep with your daily affirmations and visualisation of the better things, because this energy you exude when focusing on such things creates it for you in abundance – when you focus on negative energies, especially self-pity you are putting a blockage in those things you are trying to manifest!

You are on the right track for eliminating negative people from your life mercilessly, keep doing that and only keep the people around you that you deserve, because this is the way that you will personally thrive!

Do not be afraid to dream big, because big things are destined for you – VERY BIG THINGS!

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December 19, 2022 · 18:45

New year, new business

With all this nonsense going on Twitter, I have to think forwards into the future – OK Twitter is probably not going to go bust or anything, but still there has to be an alternate plan of action.

I am starting self-employment in the New Year, with Twitters new policies some aspects of my self-employment will be directly affected by their new policies; because so far Twitter up until recently, was the best social media platform out there for promoting new businesses and talent.

In the New Year, my Instagram will become much more active as this is part of my business plan for passive income as well as Pinterest and Patreon. 

I know that a business cannot be ran on passive income alone, there are other things I am doing, such as starting a newsletter potentially and now something has changed within my own personal finances, I can now replace art supplies to start making and selling my art. 

Along with this I am going to be doing nature photography, writing, YouTube videos and not sure if I will actually do this particular thing but perhaps become an Amazon associate until my income and creative pursuits have stabilised. 

The business set up will be slow as there is a lot to learn and I don’t think much of it will really kick off until around Easter time because at the moment I am still in the learning and planning process.

If anyone reading this follows me on Twitter, understand that how things are going there – I am going to be less and less available on that platform unless it improves and I will be found more and more on platforms such as Universeodon and Instagram.

My name on Universeodon is @TardyCreative the same as Instagram

Thank you for reading! 

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December 5, 2022 · 23:11

Surrendering…

OK today is about surrendering to the fates and accepting whatever is supposed to come into my life and to stop being such a control freak about it – so, what do I do to start accepting that?  Simple, panic and go and read my tarot cards and speak with spirit guides too, with the simple question of…

What was I born to do?  What is my purpose?

You are to be thrusted into the unknown where you will reach the bottom of life and reach high to the top in new self-discoveries.  That explains a lot. 

You will constantly go into a re-training process. This will explain why reality seems indefinable to me, when I think I know something; something happens where I doubt it all over again and learn a new way in processing that information! 

Your goal is to save others in order to save your self and you may be tempted to give up before trying.  This explains something to me – I seem to befriend the lost and the lonely and then see them fly off into the horizon forgetting me once they’ve had their boost of ego from me.  I don’t mind, at least they seem happy now!  I’ve had a few people say I am like a life coach and motivator for them, some have even thanked me because before they found me they said they were going to commit suicide, a couple have outwardly said they owe their lives to me – which I replied thusly “don’t be so dramatic”. 

Depression will come when you ignore your creative talents.  True, but also it comes because I can’t write everything down all at once like my brain wants me to, at the pace of seven ideas at the same time!  The amount of times I have cried in frustration over this! 

You may not always be aware you are hurting others in the process, because your successes will hurt others, either through jealousy or because you are moving on.  Well, I haven’t seen any of that, so yes… I am unaware if I have hurt anyone in the process – sorry if it’s you! 

You can restore your sense of joy in bad times through meditation and astral travel – You will feel there is a huge lack of substance throughout your life.  Yes I do in fact. 

Your creative hobby will consume much of your life because this is a huge part of who you are meant to be, you are a creative spirit.

A man will come into your life and be prominent similar to a knight in shining armour that is vital to your development both emotionally and creatively.  So long as he isn’t a knight in shining armour in the traditional gooey romance novel typicality I am OK! 

You will need time alone for a long while to recuperate from what life throws at you and after this long period of loneliness you will be thrusted into a lot of social commitments you won’t be able to escape from, so enjoy the solitude whilst it lasts.  Oh boy, that’s started my anxious stomach problems!  I am no introvert; in fact I am an ENFJ-T personality type, so go figure! 

A musician will be important to you in your life.  I used to be in a rap/rock band at college – but other than that I don’t know any musicians on a close personal level yet! 

You will lack confidence in both your image and your abilities throughout most of your life; imposter syndrome affects you hugely, this is why there will be people coming into your life to give you that reassurance and to develop you into accepting yourself.  Along with this you will be hesitant to enjoy the good things in life, because you have experienced the bad for a long while beforehand that you are afraid that it won’t last.  This includes a hesitancy to enjoy your upcoming wealth and success to the fullest.  Actually this is why some of my exes are exes, they couldn’t get over the fact I was so hesitant about things – always scared things were about to fall flat on their faces and I found it hard to let my hair down and I had a huge guilt complex about a lot of things!  This is funny, because in other aspects of life, I am considered quite an optimistic person! 

So yeah regarding success and money I always have the attitude of, it’s not going to last – so why get excited about it?  One of my exes forbade me buying anything second hand as it was beneath him and I practically live in thrift/charity stores and car boot/garage sales – so, that’s one reason why he is an ex as I am not a snob! 

You will start a strong relationship quite late in your life, this relationship will be rock-solid and will be the catalyst for your life changing events, everything will be turned on its head for you; your life won’t ever be the same again and loneliness will start to become a challenge for you, because you will be surrounded by lots of people who will become extended family to you.  You will become part of a strong community someday; here you will be charismatic amongst them!  How late is late, because I want more kids?  Also, I hope this is true because I need a loving family!  Oh and I am not going to hide the fact that I am actually desperate for this!  I am not ashamed of wanting this! 

You will eventually master everything that life has got to offer but it will take you awhile to get there!  Everything?  Be real! 

When you are on the cusp of giving everything up, everything will come to you and you will be in childlike awe of how fast it comes into your life, you won’t have time to think and may be in a state of long-term exhaustion until you adjust to it!  Things will come to you that you didn’t ever dream of, it is like a wave of people just waltzes into your life and changes it all for the better and you will be in a state of pure shock!  It is something you won’t ever quite get over and something you will constantly question as being real.  And I am supposed to be excited about the fact I will be in long-term exhaustion? 

These people will make you stand out from the crowd whether you like it or not!  Hey who do they think they are?

You will find these people amongst the Bohemians of society; the person who is the catalyst of all of this is a bit of a friendly rogue that has pulled out all stops to help you in some way.  Who and why?

The more playful you are in your creativity the more you will earn from it, more conventional art forms will not pay as well for you, you are unique, celebrate it – don’t hide from it!  I have a problem with this, because I don’t believe anyone is unique, everything has been done before! 

You will practise a new talent and be restless about it!  This seems to be a theme, restlessness and tiredness – oh my future looks joyous, can’t wait… insert eye roll here* 

You will find a new life partner which will love you and have the deepest sense of spiritual connection you have ever known with anyone before!  This connection is very deep and psychic for the both of you!  This is a soulmate of the deepest kind!  Cool, OK – where are they? 

For a long time in your life you will experience disharmony in your home life and you will be in a constant state of tension and loneliness – you will find it hard to trust anybody or lean on anybody to support you, you can only depend on your self during these phases of your life.  But once this cycle has ended, it has ended for good and everything you’ve experienced in your personal relationships and home life will be turned on its head for the rest of your life!  Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel after all?  Should AI hold my breath about this or think it’s a load of old… you know!

You will eventually break free from all the bad stuff in life because of a cunning roguish person will manipulate you into believing a white lie that will ensnare you into a relationship with them that will change everything for you – but you will realise they had to do it this way because things are complicated for the both of you and you will forgive them!  Especially when you will learn they had risked so much to be with you!  Yikes, I am not all that great you know?  I mean, ew… look at me… no, please don’!

Wow… well, it would be nice to have most of the above anyway – I don’t like losing control socially, I don’t like the idea of permanent exhaustion and I definitely hate being pulled out of my comfort zones… but the rest seems nice.

At least I know one thing about me will never change as I can see if all this is to be true, I will live in a permanent state of anxiety – so I guess some kind of consistency is still available, even if it’s not the consistency I want! 

But the love, harmonious home and friends are much needed!

Long-term exhaustion… can I be anymore exhausted than I already am?  Please don’t take that as a challenge universe… please!

Thanks for reading!

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December 1, 2022 · 01:11

Abstract world

I hear the gold in your heart

It’s beating like a tin

It is thick with the taste of happiness

And it is wet with the fluid of youth and the lack of sin

Cherished by the cherry tree

By the birds and solidarity

Your voice is shrill like a mouse

Your voice is home, like a house

And I am warmed by your eyes as they burn into mine

I can smell your dreams

They flow like wine

Into a well of hope and future

Mending my wounds as the suture

And I am destined to stay with you

Because you are special too

We live in this daydream

Walking on the mist of clouded sleepwalk

How much I can hear you talk

Of all the mysterious things

Our existence is strange to the people

The earth ball round

They can’t hear the sounds we do

They are deaf and have no clue

We are different

You and I

This is why we walk on the sky

And we together we’ll be

For eternity

Alone

I have always loved the abstract in poetry, film and sometimes art.  I have also always love innovations in absurdism and surrealism in all art forms – though I have to admit I treat them all with guilty pleasure, as these things are rarely understood by the world and are often shunned as being too weird.

I often want to write whole stories and songs like this, but it’s so very niche really and I don’t like how some people will try to dissect the art and prose to try to make sense of it, or me – or worse, to presume that I have some kind of deep mental problem or something along the lines of substance abuse, simply because I can put my mind into far-out places!

A school teacher of mine in the last school I ever went to, called Mr Kingham saw how much of an abstract, absurdist thinker I was and tried to get me to take art seriously in school – but I never did.  Because it was not an encouraged thing at home; he was so proud of a statue I made in abstract of a guitar, that he insisted that he had to take it home and keep it forever for himself as it was too brilliant to just throw away at the end of the school year!

My parents never understood the excitement in him, nor why he would insist that out of all my achievements art supreme in me.  I never understood it either, I don’t reckon much of my art – my paintings and drawings that is, and even my abstract poetry.

I think it is nice to play with them – but is it really contributing to anything?

I have an over-analytical mind at times – yes I am playful, yes I can do this and the above I enjoyed doing a lot!  But I can’t help but think that other people will find it all a stupid waste of time?

There has been hundreds of poems similar to the above, I have deleted since having my blog after deciding that I might be too embarrassed to share them after all.  Hundreds might be an understatement.

There are times where I stop writing my novels, because my thought has become too abstract, that I have to put it away and rethink them for normal brains. 

Such as I am having a serious rethink about my description in project AD!

The description in project AD is based entirely on what a wild animal would perceive of things when it has been bought into the human world – how would a wild hare view newspapers strewn over a floor?  To me that is a simple idea, obviously they are the weirdest shaped leaves I ever did see with speckles of black all over them and white and snow!

The strange shaped logs that the two legged creatures sat upon groaned like some tortured squashed animal.  I mean, could you really read a novel like that?

As much as I love to write it, I worry about how it’s going to be received!

Yes I often hold back in this kind of description for a lot of my work, but it soon gets boring when I do.

Sometimes I think outside of the box so much I find it hard to get back into the box!

I love wild and out there ideas, hence my obsession with stories such as Alice in Wonderland and through the looking glass, Wizard of Oz fourteen books, the arc of the scythe series, His dark materials and such the likes.

As a child my imagination often ran away with me, I didn’t need to see scary things when the light was off, I saw them when the light was on! 

A mere pile of clothes on a chair could take on some weird shape of an abstract multi-coloured witch and the pigeon on the window ledge cooing sounded like some awful mischievous chuckle.  I often found myself over the years fantasising about making mini art movies based on those kinds of imaginings, but I don’t have the wherewithal to know what I am doing!

Last year when I made a post called “The spider’s suicide note” https://tardycreative.com/2022/07/30/a-spiders-suicide-note-or/ I actually wanted to rush off and make a mini movie about it and really make a thing about it with noir 1930s detective kind of slant to it – but I don’t know how to do these things and I don’t have anyone to help!

But it can be bizarre and spontaneous and it can be hard to hold off for a while waiting for things to be done, because by that time the inspiration would have left me!

I wanted to join Skillshare to learn the technology for all of that, but I can’t afford an annual subscription taken out in one lump sum like they are requesting nowadays!

I am really upset about that actually, because I was going to get ready to learn these things for YouTube and TikTok – but it’s going to have to wait until I save up for it.

The above poem is heavily inspired by Bjork and Aurora, I love those women!

Let me know of what you think of all the above… do you get abstract ideas like these or are they beyond you?

Thanks for reading!

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