Tag Archives: friendship

My idea of romance

Is not what you find in the average romance novel, sorry, well, not the ones my mother shoved down my throat when I was growing up – ew!

Though I reckon my idea of romance is too way out there for the modern day too, a little old-fashioned or a little too fantasy based.

I have a lot of old fashioned values.  I believe man and woman has their place and this is hard to hear according to some of my friends which are super modern feminists or who know I am bisexual.

Here are my core beliefs about men and women;

Man is the protector and must have what it takes to physically and verbally defend his woman whenever necessary.  Unfortunately I have seldom come across anyone who fits the stereotypical protective male role; basically I’ve been on my own under confrontation from strangers whilst the guy I was dating was there.

The woman is the nurturer moral and emotional supporter of the whole family, not just the kids, but the man as well and must be patient and understanding with the man when he is having a bad day.

Basically as women, it’s our job to ensure that our husband’s day doesn’t get any worse – we have to cheer him up, we have to spoil him as it were with good food and snuggles and kind words.

Both the man and the woman should be completely honest with each other at all times, trust and honesty as well as a deep friendship are the keys to a longstanding relationship – if you don’t have that, then you don’t have a proper relationship in my opinion!

Whenever I hear my friends say that they can’t date their best friend I pity them, because relationships need friendship as its foundation, don’t you think?

I am also traditional in the sense that when you choose to have children, you need to have a career that works around them, not vice versa.  Your children’s well-being and presence in your life should be the priority.  I know it is hard for some women, especially single mothers – I understand you, but this is what I believe.  There are options for working at home, that’s all I am saying!

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that women should be able to have whatever rights they desire – but just don’t force your ideas on other more traditional women like me!

I have been discriminated against for my beliefs of being a stay at home mother before I got sick, because in the opinions of other local women, women like me are disgusting and lazy and are seriously damaging the women’s right campaign.

At the time, before I got sick, I was actually trying to hone my skills in social care and tried to fix the house up by taking Paul out of his hoarder’s paradise, to consider becoming a foster mother as a job.  Which I know I would have loved!

But for me – romance is nothing like Mills and Boon, choose any novel there you like! 

For me, my idea of the perfect romance is what Morticia and Gomez Addams have!

Seriously!

A partner you can listen to music with and randomly get up and dance with around the living room, smooching, swaying and snuggling and embarrassing your kids!

A partner who’d bring you a regular dose of flowers for the house so you can rearrange them around the house with maybe some of your own cut flowers from your own garden too!

A partner who wants to take you on one to one picnics occasionally, or sends the children away to friends or family for the night so we can have a homemade candlelight dinner with just the two of us!

A partner who isn’t stuck in a rut in regards to bedroom matters and is adventurous and spontaneous.

I want a guy who will teach me how to tango with him and maybe roleplay with him and silly things like this.

I like vain men who have big egos, especially if I know they like to look meticulous in public but behind closed doors he won’t moan at me when I scruff up his hair and give him cute nicknames…

I like to be very hands on with my guys, I like to give and receive massages and so forth and I am very good at reiki, I’ve been told I should be a practitioner, but I am not interested in that for a career.  I like to touch and be touched and I have a real problem with rejection when I put my hands on a guy in bed and they flinch or tell me to get off – when we’re supposedly engaged, you get me?

I like guys who don’t want sex over and done within thirty minutes if you are lucky – I like long nights, not just dip and collapse with no build up or tease, you know?

A big part of a relationship to me is talking… talk a lot… talk about everything, be open, share your day, share your ideas, play with ideas and make plans to ensure your life never gets boring together – always try new things, not just sexually, but in life in general!

I think that when you bond with a life partner, there should be a sort of effort to have an unspoken language between you or keywords, where you can communicate with each other privately but in public too – it’s a lost art for these times, but it was quite common pre-Victorian era.  Fan or hand language, language of flowers and little innuendos that only you and he knew the meaning of. 

I show my love by cooking for the person in my life, by asking them if they want help with something or by doing things they’ve specifically asked for.  I like to bond with them by writing out my thoughts and feelings and reading it to them and hope they’d tell me more about themselves too.

I like the idea of a relationship where we motivate each other all the time to become the best that we can be, we always challenge each other!

I even like a little mock fighting – knowing we will never truly hurt each other’s feelings, it’s all play and end up wrestling each other to bed or something!  This is why I love the tango a lot, oh and the paso doble! 

I have a lot of fire in me, a lot of passion and I need someone with a lot of energy and creativity and desire to be playful with me! 

I think this is another reason why I love the BDSM lifestyle a lot, there is a lot of fun light-hearted roleplay there, with kinks and spanks and other delights – it’s not meant to be vicious and bullying!

I want someone ready to take on my challenges with me and me with theirs!  Together we’ll ride the storm!

I have never been comfortable with this is their problem and these are my problems and we live separately like that – I believe in sharing and caring about each other a lot!

I really don’t like it when I know a partner is upset about something going on in their lives and they won’t tell me about it, because I hate feeling helpless and I hate not knowing and I hate not being able to lighten the load for them!

It literally kills me inside!

I have had exes in the past who hated the way I treat them at times, because I apparently smother them, mother them and sometimes I’ve been accused of babying them!

I don’t see it; I just see it as maybe caring too much?

Maybe I go overboard, but it’s just me!

So yes, I want love like Morticia and Gomez Addams… you get me?

Someone with all the above and someone to live in mutual weirdness with!

Oh and can match my libido!

Thanks for reading!

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Mr Sunshine

You was my sunshine, your smiles were big and bright

But then you went and played with fools and took away my light

Your happiness spreads like the flu

I really, really miss the old you

But you went and played with those fools and now I’m in the dark

I dream of a time when you come back

Find your path off that beaten track

And back into my arms where you belong

So there is a happy ending to my song

I need you now and I need you true

I am really lost without you

You’re my sunshine in the rain

How I wish you come back again

Oh Mr Sunshine how I need you

You haven’t  even got a clue hoo

How I need you in my life

Guess I see you in the afterlife

It’s a shame you was so bright

But now your smiles are like the night

I feel bad for you

Without the light what can I do?

Mr Sunshine you were my friend

Some would say my godsend

You bought me hope when I was down

You turned my smiles upside down

And then you went to play with fools

Right on after you left your school

You became a DJ and forgot your spirit

I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t hear it

You kept on with the moon and crack

How I really want you back

But you are gone now and away from me

I really, really want to see

My Mr Sunshine again

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I cry for you

Life is hard for many

It is made worse by some

Everyone wants peace on Earth

Everyone wants some…

Love and understanding

Acceptance, friendship, peace

Everyone wants the judgement of them to cease

Why is it so hard to learn to love others so?

Why can’t you stop your judgements and learn to let them go?

Why is it so important?

To demand that others change?

When it’s not your life at all, not everyone’s the same!

Why is it those who shout the loudest about life and love and light, who are the ones who shout out hatred and brings to others plight?

It’s a weird sort of tragedy that they do not see

The evil that is in them, because they hate you and me

They try to control us with venom about Hell and pain and more

But they don’t realise their evil words leaves us sore and raw

It’s a kind of irony; they don’t practise what they preach

They are spreading love and kindness, yet they beat us when they teach

It’s a sorry world when they rule us, it’s sorrier when they don’t learn

That every time they beat us, God’s stomach sits and churns

What can he do with his children?

Who sit and think this way?

What can he do about the evil, when they think their words are a good relay?

The more that converts to the words of hate and lies

The more God sits back and hear the innocent cries

It must pain God to see who is right and who is wrong

This is a difficult endeavour, to end this rhyme and song

Because no one will listen

No one really cares

Because everyone has a way of thought, a life to which they swear

But hopefully someday

The world will see a change

Where hypocrisy has ended and people start to care

I’m unhappy here

In a world that’s hard to be

A complete individual, a person that’s truly me

I hide behind a mask

Because I am scared of hate

But hate comes hardest from the lovers, the ones who love to hate

I’m sorry if I hurt you

With my tears and cries

But I have never asked you, to go into a corner and die

Because I am bisexual, because I don’t worship Christ

Because you fear I will burn in Hell if I don’t take your advice

You can’t see this is cruel, you can’t hear your evil words

Because you believe you’re right, to me you sound absurd!

We all find God in our own way, who are you to judge?

I believe God loves us all and doesn’t hold a grudge!

Because if he hates me for who I am – then why did he make me so?

It’s a question I have always asked and nobody really knows

But in the bible God has said he knew us before we were born

So doesn’t that say a lot… why are we as a society so torn?

I can’t answer it, but right now I am sad and deeply forlorn

Because you can’t love me, like a sibling would

Because you judge me so

Don’t you consider you are hurting God as well as me, no?

You pray for me, that I don’t go to Hell

I pray for you as well

Because I see you are blind in your hate for me

I cry deeply in this tragedy

Because hate is evil and you don’t see…

I do believe in God

Do you believe me?

I don’t gaslight, I share my love

I share my tears and woe

I truly do cry for you and the things you do, please know

I cry every night, because you really care

But you still don’t see the evil that you share

My life is very lonely

But with God I have a friend

For he doesn’t judge me as I am what he did intend

I can’t say any more than that

But I do love you despite the spat

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My views on Mr Perfect (not the wrestler)

I have mentioned before and I will probably say it again, I am not like other women, I don’t go in for too many romance scenes and weak female roles in my stories.  Yes, there are some love scenes in a handful of my works, but generally it isn’t all googly eyes and sweet nothings, it is usually love in a deeper sense or some kind of strange dynamic and understanding between the two in question.

I have never been a romantic person and in my own relationships I tend to fall into a sexual relationship with those who I have a deep friendship and connection with, because we understand each other and accept each other.  I don’t go around chasing for the perfect man in the perfect scenario and drive myself crazy with how perfect everything must be!

I don’t believe in chemistry in the usual sense of the word, I believe in mutual respect and understanding and a close friendship where you can be completely open and honest with each other – if you don’t have that, I really don’t understand why people waste their time bothering with each other, because the relationship is likely to fail eventually without those things!

That’s just me I suppose, I know my ideas about relationships are not popular ones, especially as I am so open about being bisexual and involved in an open/polyandrous/polygamous relationship.

I have never been a person who chases trends and normality, I am very bohemian in my ways and I truly believe the spice of life is variety.  Yes, I know, I have said it before – my stories have taboo themes in them, now you are beginning to get the picture – but those scenes are reserved for my adult audience pseudonym.

I have this belief where nature never intended for any creature to be monogamous, so why do we cut ourselves up emotionally when we try to enforce an unnatural law onto ourselves?

It doesn’t make us any better than the other animals in the world – it just makes us more stressed out and unproductive – literally!

Life is too short to be picky and waiting around for Mr. Perfect, life is too boring not to take advantage of the fun that is out there!

In my experience the more open and honest you are about your most deepest desires in life and talk about them without shame, the more likely you are to find your tribe, which think like you, the more likely you are to find your peace and your true love.  Just because I am in an open relationship doesn’t mean I value any less the people I am involved in, it just means I do not burden them all the time with making them my one and only.  That can be stressful on your lover, to make them feel that they are the only one for you, it is a big responsibility to live up to and it can put a strain on your relationship in itself.  Best to spread yourself around a bit, as long as you are open about it to everyone you are in a relationship with… don’t want heartaches and jealousy do we?  Be open!

That’s my two cents on the matter.

Happy reading!

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Open honesty and healing

Henry is my inspiration to keep on going despite the depression, Henry is my son and he turned twelve on Sunday.

Other than him, the other things which keep me going are things I have to work hard to find and think about – it can take some training to learn how to remove yourself from your present state and look at yourself as though you are a stranger or a friend. 

Most people can’t bear to look at themselves in a positive light, because most of them feel too attached to who they are, that they forget that everyone and everything is changeable and that if you just forget that you are you, for just a few moments, you can then see clearly and work things out in yourself. 

For me, I stand back and pretend I am as perfect as I want to be – I imagine seeing the imperfect me right in front of me (easier to do in front of a mirror) but instead of judging who I see, I imagine that I love this person tremendously, because they have potential that they do not see – that they are in effect = my child!  A child who is very sensitive and a child who has been treated badly by others, a child who you have rescued and adopted!

You have to see yourself this way, so that you act cautiously and lovingly towards this frightened, abused and mislead creature; because you are going to be the one who rescues it wholly, changes it for the better and you are going to be the one who will make it happy and healthy!

Don’t see this person as the adult it might be, see it as a very young child, because that will trick your brain, a good method in making it more believable would be to make yourself look more childish, dress the part and put a mirror at a lower level than you, so you are looking down (effectively making yourself look smaller).

This works for me at times, when I have the opportunity to be alone. 

For me, one of the biggest healing methods is the “inner child nurturing therapy” I have kind of learned about in dribs and drabs over the years.  Your parents were either good or not, but now you are an adult, you have to parent yourself and you must do it with the kindness of a good parent!

As a good parent, if something happens in your life that makes you uncomfortable or someone says or does things to you that makes you uncomfortable it is your responsibility to take it into hand and to tell the person that you don’t like it and to please stop.  You need to think in your mind, that this child needs someone to stand up for it and you are the only one who can do that, because this child needs to be saved from anymore turmoil.

In order to do this, you need to start understanding that you need to heal, you need to acknowledge the fact that you need change and that you and only you, can speak up about how things make you feel and to explain that this bad thing another person has done to you, is a trigger – so please stop.  If the person is a true out and out bully and they find amusement in this and continue their behaviour or it gets worse, then you need to remove yourself from this person or seek professional help via the police, because no one has the right to make you feel like a laughing stock for your sensitivities – no one has the right to do this to another person, so please stop taking their shit!

Would you tolerate a bully doing this to your adopted badly neglected and abused child?  If not, then why are you tolerating it for yourself?  What makes you different from that child?

Nothing, nothing at all!

You only believe you are worthless and you deserve it, because for so many years you have allowed other people to dictate to you how you should or shouldn’t think about yourself, instead of understanding that it is just lies to control you  in order to inflate their own egotistical needs!

So stop it, stop it now – stop feeding their egos – stop making them feel good, when you feel so awful!

Consider this…

What wonderful changes have you done to the world simply because you exist right now?

STOP THINKING TOO BIG ABOUT THIS ANSWER!

The little things count too!

I remember things I have done in my life that have helped others, without me, they would never have got through certain things – everyone on this planet has done this!  Only you were so busy abusing yourself that you didn’t realise and remember you did it.

I will give a few examples from my own life, which make me feel better about existing…

When I was 6yrs old a new girl came to join my class late in the year, she had muscular dystrophy and couldn’t make friends because other children saw her as very different, she was also mixed race and at the time this was still considered rather strange in the community I was raised in.  I was very popular in this school and I had a lot of friends, I didn’t like how people treated her and I told them all how I felt about what they are doing to her.

I told them I was very sad that people find enjoyment in hurting another person, especially a person who is so sick and very scared because she is new, that because they are mean to her I will sit with her and I will play only with her until they feel that they can be kind to her.

This changed and the girl became very popular too by the end of the week.  This young girl has always remembered me and she found me some years later to let me know that she is working towards a career in fashion now and she insists that this one day, changed her own opinion about herself and that it was because of me!  I never thought anything about it, because I left the school a few weeks later and literally thought everyone there would have forgotten me – but she didn’t!  She recognised me when we were in college, I didn’t recognise her, yet she still had her walking frame and though she did kind of stand out, I didn’t specifically associate this girl as her!

I have helped several complete strangers, one of which was an old lady in her eighties, she had her shopping bag on wheels caught in a drain and I was walking past and pulled it out without thinking.  She stopped me for a moment to thank me, and I said think nothing of it and walked off.  The old lady tried to call me back but I was late for work at the time and told her so – she eventually found me, it was easy because I was in uniform and she came to my workplace to seek me out and told my manager how nice I was to her and that she wanted to do something for me.  But I wouldn’t let her, she was so surprised at my kindness and said it was so rare these days that she tried to work something out with my boss.  But I wouldn’t let her reward me, she always remembered me as after this day, whenever we passed each other she’d say something friendly.

This same job place, there was a woman who was having a heart attack in store, she was frightened and the company said that in first aid situations like this, if you are late for your duties forego your humanity and get to your post – but I couldn’t leave this woman who was scared for her life.  I was reprimanded by the manager for being fifteen minutes late for the checkout services, but I wanted to go with the woman on the ambulance like she requested, but I was told I would lose my job.  She died, but later on in the week her daughter sought me out and told me what her mother said about what I tried to do for her and she gave me a gift.  Meanwhile, they spoke harshly to the manager about their mistreatment of me.

I also found a lost child, a young boy around ten years of age who couldn’t speak English, his mother couldn’t speak English either, when she found I was comforting her little boy and trying to find her, but her actions spoke louder than words.  Because she gripped my arm and bowed her head several times to my arm and I presume was thanking me wholeheartedly.  I think they were Chinese but I am unsure.  But that little boy could have come to great harm where he was, because he was so frightened he was curled up in a ball crying when I found him in a place where a car could have parked and hit him as in that area, cars often parked up onto the pavements without thinking.

I have also rescued a handful of people from suicide, spoke them through their hard time online (people I never met, but had online friendships with). 

A few people have also turned away from a life of crime because of comforting words I supposedly had said to them which changed their ways and even gave a child a father.  What I mean is, I had a friend who fathered a child and his instant response was to run away and pretend she didn’t exist because he wasn’t ready to be a father.  I told him to speak this through with his girlfriend and work something out together about it, because running away will only cause both his girlfriend and daughter to hate him potentially.  He told me he was brutally honest to her about how he can’t commit to the child but he will do whatever he can to help her as long as he doesn’t have to live with them.  This worked out fine for them and in as little as eight months down the line he felt he had value as a father and eventually moved in and married her and now he is a happy present father.

A lot of people mess up their lives because they are afraid of being honest, because they think that their honesty is going to make things worse… how ironic, it is usually always the opposite!

Whenever someone has difficulties in their lives and they need a loved one to fully understand, they normally choose not to communicate it and things blow out of proportion.  I often suggest, well just tell them, but the answer is always – “I can’t, because (insert irrational fear here).  Those who have felt confident to do so, come back to me a few days later, thanking me, because, literally – their fear was worse than the reality of it!

My attitude is this… if a person hates you for your honesty and mistreats you for your honesty, then they don’t love you enough to be worthy of sharing your life!

Believe me when I say, there are more than enough people in the world who will share your beliefs, your traditions, your ways and ideas, you have just got to make the effort in looking for them and the only way you can do this, is by living your life as honestly and as openly as you can!

That is the key to good relationships – open honesty.

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About Me

I am love

Come into my arms

Let me wipe your tears away

I know life hurts so bad

I have been there too, don’t be sad

I warm you with my arms

Hear my words work like a charm

To lull all your fears away

To make you happy, so you can play

And I’ll be here for you always

To make you smile

All of the while

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Cousin

Don’t judge me cousin

We’re the same

We are family and life is a game

The game is remember who you are

Inside out and near and far

Love is all around you; it’s written in the stars

Because all the world is your cousin

And this planet is our car

We’re on a journey to find ourselves

To learn to love again

To hold each stranger by the hand and reach a better end

Life is short, let’s stop the hate

So we can walk hand in hand

To gods new gracious Eden land

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What is my secret?

There is a new category I have created today, called “Diary”.

This is not going to be updated daily, but will be as often as I can.

You will find out more about me and my life day to day, it will mostly focus on my mental  and general health more than anything else.

Why am I doing this?

To be honest I have no one to get certain things off my chest to, plus, I want people to understand mental health better, not just mine, but how it affects a person who lives with it as a whole – their ups and their downs and what helps them when they are this way and what things can make them worse!

I also want to show you how my mental well-being affects productivity. Sometimes I throw myself into my work and other times my mental problems make me hate my work altogether and the mere idea of writing anything just makes me cry.

This is not because I hate writing or I feel that my writing is failing in anyway – one thing I have kept to myself, one big mystery that people are trying to understand about me and I have never been open about before TO ANYONE until now – it’s like a coming out, but I have a personality disorder.

Yes, people know I have mental health problems, but I have always leant to telling them it was mostly anxiety and recovering from toxic relationships from my past, this is true!  But not the whole story!

I have a personality disorder, a type of schizophrenia, I have anxieties, body dysmorphia, eating disorders that are erratic from gluttonous to starvation, and it depends day to day!  I am severely co-dependant – suicidal – manic depressive – there is a lot to know about me.  Day to day I even change my whole personality, what do I mean by that? 

Well I consider myself bisexual, I mostly love being female and trying to be as feminine as possible, but some days I wake up and I want to cut my hair short and dress like a man, I feel more masculine at times, then I regret my decisions and go back into dark thoughts, because the mostly feminine me is back again.  I don’t have the money and the resources to change the way I look dramatically day to day to match my fleeting desires.  If I ever won the lottery it would be so much easier to just say, cut my hair, but a ton of wigs and buy all styles of clothes I love, just in case I wake up wanting to be like that tomorrow. 

I don’t really know what this disorder is called, if it is a disorder at all, because although I have had therapists in the past for other things, I generally try to avoid any psychological help as much as possible, because I don’t want to be pumped full up with drugs.  Various therapists in my past have suggested oodles of medication for me and I have refused – only to have them look me stark in the eyes and say, that if I actually do harm myself or another person to hospitalisation, then I will have the choice taken away from me!

I do self-harm, but not enough to become hospitalised… yet.

There are times where I am super social and I love being around people, but occasionally, though it is not that often, I just want to shut myself away and completely ignore the world.  There have been times where I have been so used to living in a forced isolation (by toxic relationships in my past) that self-isolation comes so easily and I don’t fall apart like other people do when I do it. 

I am also a germ-o-phobe, because of this, I am terrified to go out since Covid happened, because I have had pneumonia five times in around four years or something like that.  I have only gone out six times since March 2020, to a doctor, a vet and the dentist.

All of this is the primary reason why I have not approached publishers and agents yet.

I will do so eventually and this is not idle talk, because I have a couple of good online friends who really believe in me and they are trying to teach me how I can become a published author, without being thrown too much into the deep end, because of both my disabilities and mental health problems – people who are actually within the profession themselves.  Whether they will stay true to their word, who knows?

But this is the big mystery about me.

Not much of a mystery now is it?  Just a revelation about just how sick I really am.

This is why at times my posts can seem very flighty – I find it easy to control at times how I behave around people, but it is all too easy to be spontaneous at times and post things without thinking about it first. 

Most of the subjects I talk about are very controversial and I have never really learned how to behave and react around certain subjects, purely because I have been socially isolated my whole life.  I am not using this as an excuse; I am telling it how it is.

I am a person who can seem heartless and blunt in certain subjects at times.  I am one of these people that when I am in social situations I am often put into a situation where I have put my foot in it again – I tend to leave early and beat myself up over it for months!  Some people are very forgiving and understand and have told me not to worry, but still, months down the line I am still punishing myself for my stupidity.

I’m not a loose cannon in the sense that I am overly insensitive and gun ho – but I am in regards to not thinking about how sensitive a subject can be for others.

Yes, this is an indication about my recent poll on here that I have now deleted.  But I had hoped that the poll would spur on a friendly discussion about why such subjects pertaining to “suicide” as a theme for a book was so controversial and disgusting to readers and publishers, when someone like me who struggles with such a thing day in and day out finds reading characters who are suicidal, helpful in my own problems.  I need the world to try and come out of their little boxes and help me understand society, because I have been shut away my whole life!

Is this so difficult to understand?

Is the concept of a person staying inside their house day in and day out and not socialising much their whole life offline –  so alien to so many people that they cannot even empathise with the stuff that a person who has lived in such conditions haven’t experienced or learned to become?

What I mean is – when a person has been socially isolated their whole lives, they have never had the opportunity to learn from their mistakes as a child; to grow with a society and understand the rules that others take for granted.

I am in that situation, have been my whole life and I tell you now; I am puzzled by how “normal people” are and how they behave.  I am puzzled by how society has progressed how it has, because whenever I have smiled at someone in a waiting room, they look at me nervously and back away, whenever I start a general conversation in a queue at a shop I am ignored or get a sarcastic remark as a reply!  When I used to go to the school gates to take my son to school, most parents couldn’t be bothered to talk to me, but would talk in their small circles instead.  I am confused how people have friends outside of their families basically, when in my experience, nobody wants to talk to a stranger!

How the fuck does society do it?

I am never rude, I am never gross, I always start with open ended questions, like self-help socialisation books tell me to, I never pry with personal questions.

I hate to say it and I could lose what little friends I have over this, but the only people who have maintain contact with me when I have done this are people with social awkwardness themselves who are more than thrilled someone has spoken to them first hand and they didn’t have to approach me first!

Out of desperation they invite me to theirs for a cup of tea, or in some cases a mutual café or library meets up, before introducing each other to our homes.  I understand them, I feel the same when someone approaches me – I feel honoured someone wants to talk to me, oh my goodness, someone has spoken to me, try not to screw this moment up Tina and say yes to anything they suggest if it sounds nice!

I know I sound like a sad pathetic moron, but people need to understand how it is for some people.  It is hard enough when you have social anxiety and mental health problems as it is, but when you throw in thirty three years of social isolation, it is unbearable!

Especially when you do socialise with people who have nothing better to do than to try and ruin your life, wreck your reputation before you’ve even got one and is just downright bloody nasty and manipulative to boot!

Because of my mental health and my lack of social hardiness, I have found some very rotten people who have introduced themselves into my lives more than readily in order to manipulate me for their own pleasure and amusement and in turn, it has damaged me more and more.

So this is the mystery of The Tardy Creative, Tina Victoria Cousins.

This is who I am, in my rawest form and these are my challenges I am sharing with you!

Happy reading! 

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The art of indifference

Struggling with depression on a major scale in the past four days, it could either be because of my immune system crashing around me, my hormones or the fact that there is something I miss deeply and no one understands.  I am desperate to express myself on this matter, but I can’t without coming across as nuts, so I don’t bother.

No one understands the kind of person that I am, I have tried in the past to talk it through with other people, but let me tell you, there is only so much another person’s mind can take, before they switch off and decide perhaps you’re too messed up to talk to again?

Yet to me the only thing that remains abundantly clear to me and would be very healing to me is this… just talking freely with a non-judgemental person, whilst snuggling with said person and being loved, genuinely loved, without obligations for anything other than my reciprocation to them.

The kind of person I am, the liberal-mindedness that I have as well as my spirituality makes me a difficult person to befriend. 

The notion that I see everyone as family, but will avoid certain people if they make me feel supressed or judged in any way, is something that some people find hard. 

The fact that I believe in open relationships and I am bisexual and I am quite open about my likes as dislikes as I am not ashamed of who I am, so why should others be?

 The fact that I am both a humanist and a spiritual person; which cannot really describe my beliefs as I am my own unique mix: 

The idea too that I am healing from a huge mass of abuse and hiding a truly awful history and only tell people the thin surface of my life via getting in touch with my inner child and creative self, which means to onlookers think I am an irresponsible weird, immature, Pollyanna who is a tad too spooky for their liking. 

The idea I grow and eat weeds in my garden and let most of my garden be wild and talk to the wildlife that I come across as freely as any child. 

The idea that I get hyperactive after consuming candies and I react like any high child would!

The fact that I get so absorbed by my own imagination and blocking out the bad stuff in my mind from the past with fantasy after fantasy, to the extent I lose track of time and sometimes forget how old I am. 

All of this… is hard for other people. 

Which I find ironic, because I have actually lived through harder things that just listening and observing someone healing themselves!  It’s quite funny really, that people have the audacity to tell me, that they find my life too hard for them, that they have to leave.  Don’t they realise that in order to heal and be better, they need someone to care, but someone who can be impartial, just a listener, just a support with kind words and affirmations.  That just sharing who you are as raw as possible, should build such a strong friendship, a bond to last?  It’s not someone trying to offload their burden onto your shoulders, that is impossible, you could never feel as bad as that person feels, because your experiences are different! 

Until those moments, a lot of those people in my past were very nearly, very close friends with me.  But they, like everyone, wants to know you more and want to pry into your secrets, but then they run away when once they know the true past you’ve hidden from them!  My past is not criminal, my past is not the past of a junkie or a drunk or an abuser of any sort, my past is the past of a victim.  That is all.  I could understand if my personal past was more sordid, but it’s not, that’s what baffles me the most! 

I often want to shout at people who decide they can’t cope with what they know about me to the extent they can’t look at me anymore, but I don’t because I am very passive by nature.  I am very accepting that nobody really cares and I am alone on an emotional level in the world and perhaps always will be.

I want to shout out “Well what about me?  I can’t do that, gee thanks for leaving me to cope on my own then, you coward”!  Who needs friends like those anyways?

Then there are those who say they would stick around, if only I cried.  It’s the fact that I don’t cry that gets people thinking it’s a lie.  They don’t consider that showing emotions and crying is actually extremely bad in my family and that being an emotional person is beaten out of you!  You are around violence so much that you learn when someone shouts at you, that you don’t take their eyes off them a moment, you stare unblinking at them and don’t show emotion, because it could be dangerous if you did.  Much better to switch everything off whilst staying fully alert at all times! 

So, because I don’t cry, they think I lie. 

It is this reason that I find it hard to truly heal, even therapists have had to give up my case because they too, couldn’t cope and they were in tears, whereas I was passing them the tissues with dry eyes unmoved by them!

Ironic

This is why I often dream of suicide, dream of starting again.

But I am terrified.

Because if life is a lesson that I have to learn before I am allowed better things, then do I have to live through all of this again in another life?  Hell no!

I can’t!

My soul will surely self-destruct if that were true!

Thing is, I do cry.  I cry all the time, alone in my bed when no one is around.  I cry alone in the spare room, if it is night time, because its ingrained into me, no one should see you being weak, not ever, not no how!

Happy Reading I suppose, I wasn’t happy writing this and felt I should delete it, but who knows, maybe you’ll care?

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Friend for a procrastinating writer

I need a kick up the bum

A good writing chum

Who will nag at me all day!

To sit and write and get on with something

To focus and not to play

I need someone formidable

Who will watch me as I write?

Making sure I do not wander

Making my schedule really tight

I need someone to bother me

Have you done it yet?

Which story do I ask them?

The one I told you pet!

Oh OK you see, I wandered

I did this instead you see

Now haven’t I always told you?

To focus on A first then B?

Ah, yes, sorry dear

I will try my best

Yes you will or I will nag

I need that kind of friend, a person with zest

So where are you friend I need?

The one who will make sure that I will bleed

Every little ounce of my blood

Onto the paper in a creative flood

A story that I’ve started to end

All because of that elusive friend

Where are you friend?

Please come quick, I need these stories to end

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