Tag Archives: freedom of speech

Background to previous post

Background to my former post

In 2004 I experienced a really bad break up with my ex-boyfriend, I had no support whatsoever offline with my family about it and I had a breakdown.  I was even mocked for having such strong feelings for him to the extent that I allowed the break to upset me so much.

Every time I mentioned my boyfriend in memory to my family, they were on the attack about “oh you’re going on about him again” but they didn’t appreciate that I lived with him for several months and that he was a huge part of my life.

Alone and broken I turned to talking to people online in online forums, something before this time, I vowed I would never get into.  But when you lack emotional support from people who are supposed to care about you, you do anything to try and get some attention and some clarity about your life and anyone who were positive about things, were someone you wanted to cling to.

I know I did at the time and I was in such a vulnerable emotional state I found some people that were better left undiscovered.

I found a guy who suggested various spiritual forums and I found a website that focused on the indigo children movement, at first it was a freedom of speech haven, a place where everyone was running on positive energies and were really kind and nice to each other.  Everyone was dedicated to world peace and creating freedom for everyone, freedom of expression, freedom of individuality and a whole world unity – a new world order kind of.

There were lots of people who believed that they were the new promised generation, who in the age of information and knowledge would expand the world with freedom of choice and break down boundaries and teach people unification, brotherhood, developing the whole of humanity into a kind of swarm mind-set as a way of forming world peace.

It was great for two whole years and I felt I found my place in the world, until autumn of 2008 where a cult discovered the site and started to pollute the website with their brainwashing and very negative ideologies.  They attacked all positivity and all freedom of speech if it went against their own principles.

I was one of a handful of people that they attacked the most because I stood up to them the most and refused to be converted into their dangerous society.

At the time I thought this was an isolated group that needed dealing with purely on this forum as it is probably just a small group of friends or even related to each other that are out to radicalise vulnerable people in the forum or to make us give up on our mission for world peace.

I was wrong, seriously wrong!  This group was big and it was growing rapidly and it is still growing to this day!

This group goes by many different names and has many different sub groups and they stalk, they stalk a lot!

I left the forum in February 2009 because I was drained of their negativity and I was tired fighting in their pathetic make-believe war that they had raged on me.

I know they believe me to be an evil creature because of the values I hold dear, these are the values that I hold dear and fought fiercely to uphold and still do fight fiercely to uphold to this day because I believe them to be good and wholesome things that will eventually bring about world peace when the world is ready to tolerate and integrate;

Gender identity is a personal choice

Homosexuality is fine because it is a form of love and all love is sacred and should be nothing to be ashamed of!

Polygamy is only acceptable if it is done openly and without secrecy and that all parties involved know and love each other enough to communicate openly with what they do and do not agree with and that all parties are unharmed emotionally and physically and all are in agreement to new relationships!

If you feel the need to attack someone for their beliefs, you obviously subconsciously doubt your own, because people, who are confident in their beliefs and their convictions, could never feel the need to attack and harm another for theirs!  Negativity comes from a place of insecurity!

There should be no borders as humans are creatures of the world and no one should own the world and put a price on what is our natural right – food, water, shelter, clothing, happiness, health, light and warmth!

If you are coming from a state of depression, the best cure is to find someone who needs your help, keep yourself busy and give yourself a purpose, think and act selflessly, that is the key to happiness – do not wallow!

Reminding the Christian radicals that Jesus was a Jew and he was also a rabbi as well as a carpenter and that he did not in fact, invent Christianity, Christianity was invented 300yrs after his death!  He was very devout as a Jew and would literally turn in his grave if he had known how much he had divided his Jewish brethren more by his actions!

You cannot teach anyone anything but fear when you use violence, you also teach them to be violent when you use violence – respect is not earned through violent displays, that is only fear – fear and respect are completely different things, learn the difference!

You earn respect by your deeds, if you are kind, calm and if you are giving and if you are unconditional, then you deserve respect, as long as you too, can respect others in turn, wholly and unconditionally.

Learn to love unconditionally, this mean accepting people for their beliefs, their lifestyles and not making their lives your business!  Interfering and non-acceptance causes negativity and negativity interrupts the peace we are trying to achieve in our lives… learn to tolerate and realise that everyone is on a journey of learning about who they are and who they are becoming and that it can take 50yrs for a person to decide who they are going to be, so have patience and be loving!

Balance is essential, you need both dark and light, warm and cold and so on, or life cannot possibly exist – to fight against one half of the balance will throw the world and universe into chaos and life would no longer be viable!

Good and evil is subjective – some would say that killing an animal for food is evil; others say that it is essential for their survival – others would kill rats to keep the population reasonable so that other creatures food sources are kept safe, others would suggest it is evil to kill those rats and to let nature take its course.  Some would say that plants too have thoughts and feelings and so that vegans are no better than meat others, other people would pooh pooh the idea that plants have thoughts and feelings.  It is all subjective, this is why people need to work together about what things they are willing to compromise to come to a collective agreement about what is good or evil – this can only come from a place of tolerance, what is the average person willing to tolerate?  This is why I love social science, it is a means of finding the common ground, but society changes with every generation, because we are all still growing and getting to know ourselves individually as well as a species. 

This is why I love the internet and having freedom of speech, my thoughts, my opinions matter, every ones does, but you have to be tolerant of others and non-judgemental.  This means buttoning your lips when you hear something you don’t agree with, if you feel that you may respond from a place of aggression, rather than just simple thoughtful dialogue.  If the conversation is sounding heated or voices are raised or emotions are running high, it is time to stop the conversation, agree to disagree and return to calmness to gather your thoughts, so that you do not end up fighting and getting emotionally hurt or hurting others in the process, or else we’re never going to move on!

This is why in real life, when things are said that I do not like, I initially speak out about my feelings, concentrating on myself and how I feel about it, without personally attacking the other person – if the other people seems affronted or raises their voice I just smile and nod and say, well, that’s just me and I move away from the conversation.  Unfortunately quite a few people allow themselves to continue and won’t let a conversation go and this is wrong because you have then decided to start a conflict with a person who did not intend to start a conflict initially – if you are that person, then you are the one who is wrong, because you should have respected the other persons place to want to end the conversation, quite literally, for peace sake!

All of these things, branded me as an evil creature by these radicals.  Most of these things they attacked and spat out that it came from evil sources and not to be trusted and not to be acted upon.

People tend to not read a person’s words, or hear a person speak, they always think that they are smarter because they can read between the lines and that it is more than just those simple words you have spread.  It isn’t always like that.

I will tell you now that those people I have problems with, still stalk me after 12yrs of me choosing to become silent.  They go on every social media, every website where they see who I am and where I am and make their presence known, because in their minds, their sick minds, they have not finished with me yet.

They are connected to some very well-known cults in the world, one of which was big news in Colorado last year for the death of their female leader who died in a horrific circumstance.  These are the people that I have to contend with, these are the people who haven’t learned to let go, these are the people that still, to this day are bothering me!

Because they think that I am the evil creature, the evil in this world that needs to be eradicated, they celebrate all of my failures, they cheer at all of my problems and they are determined, until the day that I die, that they will not stop!

I used to think, back in 2008 that they were a small problem, I have learned more recently that they have so many sub groups around the world and have spread their wings, that we are looking at tens of thousands of members, who live their life trying to undo everything that world peace commands.

It’s a very real problem and I was silent about it until now, because it is embarrassing and I do not want to be put into the same calibre as David Icke – no they are not aliens and reptilians, even though these groups really do believe that they are channelling aliens from Arcturus and Lyra through Jesus – but I think it’s all stupid notions from sick minds, minds that are determined to reign supreme on the earth and take humanity into space and suppress them, in the name of Jesus.

It’s worrying, I would name the groups here, but that may increase my problems.  I am expecting this post to increase problems as it is.  But there you go, this is why I write certain poems, some of my poems are a mockery of their beliefs, because I find them to be dangerous, but my poems are also words of caution and remembrance.  How to rise above such idiocrasy!

I respect religions when religions are true to their source; I cannot respect religions who spout things that are not in their scriptures and those who make things up as they go along.  Those religions are very dangerous to the minds of humanity and the journey to peace on earth and general human progression!

These people do not like to be reminded what is truly in their scriptures, because ultimately they have not read their scriptures, because they are confident in the voices that are in their minds – they truly do believe that they are channelling messages directly from Jesus himself.  It’s dangerous.

I know this subject may lose my many followers, but I do hope that I have opened some people’s eyes to the real evil that is in their world right now!

Anything that goes against freedom of choice and world peace must be an evil thing!

Thank you for reading!

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Defamation and freedom of speech

I am tired of being silenced by fear; especially since in the past few days I have had the energy to thoroughly research the defamation act of the UK.  I was surprised to discover that not many claims go to court; because the courts will not entertain something unless two major things have happened to the plaintiff e.g. loss of earnings (not applicable, they are retired and won’t be working in the future) and secondly, they have experienced physical harm by a third party due to claims.  (Again not applicable and if it is, it needs to be proven).

If I can prove what I have said is true about the plaintiff then it will be thrown out of court.

UK laws value freedom of speech and freedom of expression, they take a dim view of people trying to silence others – in fact, I would be well into my right to take them to court for breach of my human rights.

Not only this can I pull up various character references from a number of people who have experienced what my mother can be like; both familial and professional.

My own character reference has often been described by others, even by those that still support my mother as being very nervous and quiet, good and old fashioned, if somewhat spooky at times. The worse thing I have ever done was run away and scared my mother as it was sudden and frequent between the ages of 20 and 27.  Quite a lot of the control, isolation and abuse even went into my adulthood; she affected my careers, studies, whatever I wanted to do.  All the drop outs were primarily caused by my mother; I had to get away to get a life, basically. 

My mother would be described by a lot of people as a fun person with an intimidating air, someone who is hard to talk to and hard to negotiate with, but someone reliable in a crisis; though confrontational.

The sheer cost of taking this to court will affect both sides and both sides are likely to be in debt for a very long time, because the cost of a claim like this is astronomical, from what I have learned.  It is not like a small claims court.  As far as I am aware you cannot get legal aid for this.

Both society and courts have a dim view on people who try to silence victims and try to stop freedom of speech. 

If I were to earn money from what I am saying and I do sell my books and art and have enough money to make being sued worthwhile to the plaintiff; the world also takes a dim view of people trying to pocket other people’s earnings; when they lose the court case – and they will! (Because the evidence is against them) it can actually affect the reputation and earnings of the plaintiff – because as far as I am aware, the plaintiff will not be my mother, but my brother!  As far as I am aware, he cannot sue for defamation unless my mother agrees, because according to the courts, she is the victim of these claims not him.  It would be a very unwise thing to partake in for him and his future.

I am also puzzled by the fact that, if what I am saying is supposedly untrue and hurts my mother to read and hear of such things, why does she claim to me on Facebook that both she and my brother and my dad watches my blog like a hawk?  Even subscribed to do so, so they don’t miss anything I may have said about them? 

Because the fact of the matter is, my mother cannot help herself!  She is and always will be a control freak, who just wants to intimidate me even from afar.  With scare tactics such as “We are watching you”, “We will ruin you before you even get started”, “We will do… whatever”. 

It worked for a time, but I am wise to the world now and its ways and to be honest, what they are saying and trying to do is utterly ridiculous, child’s play really.  A bully’s tactics to control and entice fear into those they presume to be emotionally weak or what they presume still are emotionally weak people.  It doesn’t rub anymore.

My claims are true and many things I can prove, can they say the same?

Thanks for reading this guys; I look forwards to my human right of the freedom of speech in the future and for you all to get to know me a lot better!

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A dying spirit

I need to get this off my chest, I apologise if the following becomes a long-winded rant and it is not my intention.

But I simply can’t do it anymore – I cannot live up to other people’s expectations and other peoples idea of what is or is not morally correct or what is or is not true; Everything that I talk about regarding my current life and my past are all true in my eyes, but a lot of people will deny that it is the truth and I can understand why they would lie about that – they are trying to socially protect themselves because they treated me wrong and don’t want the ramifications of how others may perceive them for it.  I appreciate their feelings on this, but I won’t hide the truth, I won’t keep deleting things just because the truth fucking hurts them, they never take into account how much their actions have hurt me so why the fuck am I so bloody accommodating to them?

I have rights too, I have a right to express myself anyway I blooming need to in order to heal.  Living a life of quiet pacification is literally killing me as a person and me as an artist/writer.

Living the life that my previous abusers want me to, is killing the person that I am in every way shape and form that a person can be!

I took on this blog back in winter of 2012 purely as to act as a form of therapy for myself as recommended by my therapist, he suggested I talk freely about everything I want to regarding my life, he recommended that I also use it to bring back the creative person I was again.  It worked until some people found out a few things about my mum they never knew before and they like defensive little minions went and told her and defended her and grouped up on me via telephone and emails to hound me to tell everybody who reads my blog that everything I said was a lie.  They wanted me to lie about the truth I told – they demanded then that I go to London again and at a family gathering literally grovel for my mother’s forgiveness in front of them!  I am quite serious about what I just said; they did demand this of me!

Every time I say something about them on my blog, I do run the risk of anyone in my family still sticking around to read what I am saying, relaying and potentially getting telephone calls and emails again, which is why I had to change the telephone number and we are considering moving because of this, because I can’t be silent anymore.  I need to express everything I have gone through and I feel it is my calling to help others who have gone through the same coercive upbringing as I have, by talking about my past.  A coercion that I was raised in is quite unusual but not unheard of and many people who have experienced this kind of abuse rarely talk about it, because of how violent a large amount of people can get if they hear of it.  You see it is usually lead by one individual who has a large social circle who will act like posse to reign in the abused child if they start getting out of hand or rather, start becoming independent and so-called rebellious to their clique ideologies. 

It rather like living with a mafia minded family with an extended social circle of friends all of whom think alike, like a big extended hive mind. 

This kind of abuse is hard to deal with for a lot of therapists; I have never found one who has been able to help me.  They all suggest that various people of whom have taken a part in controlling me should go and see them, but who the fuck will go up to their abusers and say “you know what?  My therapist wants to see you as I seem relatively stable in comparison to you guys”.  Lol – no one is going to do that and the therapist appreciates that for safety reasons it is probably best not to suggest it.

You know how badly the revelation to my mother has affected me? 

I became for a long time now, primarily a poet who occasionally dips into abstract impressionistic paintings, because I have been scared to talk about anything anymore.  I have even been told that some of my novels I used to write, that the family often used to read, that they see now that some of the things in my fiction work could actually be based on my supposed “poor abused childhood fantasy life”, to a certain extent a few of the themes in my stories are based on my own personal experiences, but I understand enough to know what is true and what isn’t.  That is my fiction.  The stuff I talk about regarding my life is TRUE and I state this quite clearly, the message has not been mixed!

Because I am struggling to appease my abusers so they don’t come back into my life in an aggressive way, I have almost ignored a lot of my creative expression via words and non-fiction posts.  This has led to me becoming so severely depressed that it is affecting my health badly.  I have a lot of problem with mobility of the whole of my left side of the body and I have extreme insomnia and hypersomnia – what I mean is, I can’t sleep for like 30 hours and then when I do I can’t wake up for 15 hours and sleeping comes randomly at any time and once I feel just a tiny bit tired, it is almost like I have collapsed into a coma.  Nobody can wake me up, not even Henry having a tantrum on the bed next to me; it is like I have died!  Quite often, the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is “I hope I die in my sleep – I don’t want to wake up, I don’t like the burden of my memories”.

My appetite is dead, I only eat when extremely hungry now and it is usually just one meal per day and around the side of a sandwich, coincidentally I am losing a huge amount of weight pretty quickly and my hair is around 60% white now.

To say the suppressors are literally killing me by using my own mind against me is an understatement.  I find no joy in anything anymore.  Everything about the sweet, bubbly, fun, obedient, passive, quiet, little Tina everybody once knew is dead.

In trying to force me to be their idea of perfect instead they have made me their idea of a waste of space.

For my health and sanity sake I have to heal the only way I know how.  So I am taking a risk, if they get back into my life again somehow, so be it, I am ready for the repercussions because the alternative is death anyway.  I am going to die someday anyway, why is sooner no better than later?  Would I rather die in secret of how I died and be a mystery to all who knew me forever, or do I want to die in a way where other people can understand me and understand my situation and perhaps, just maybe, stop this from happening to other people?

I know which one I have picked.

The thing is – before they interfered and demanded me to delete and shut up, I was only sharing what I thought was the minor stuff, the stuff that isn’t too big to shout about.  The stuff that is easy for my readers to digest – but now they’ve done this, maybe it is time for the real big stuff, the stuff that makes my therapists cry?  That stuff I kept to myself, that stuff I never revealed and I don’t think people like my big brother, understand there is an even darker side to our mother, than even he realises!

I don’t like talking about that stuff, because I hate remembering the really, dark, dark stuff, but how I express it here, sometimes it comes out sub consciously through my abstract impressionistic art and the images I paint are also not easy to digest for a lot of people.

But I think it is time to just be me in every way shape and form and not hide from myself anymore.  I can’t.  Shutting me away in every way possible is suffocating my spirit and body to death, I need to free myself and that makes taking big scary risks!

Because I am pretty damned sure, since November, my body and spirit is preparing to die.  I am convinced of it and I need to stop this process – not for me, but for my boy.  I care only for him, not these coercive “I have a problem with your life and truth” assholes!  No one can have a bigger problem with my life and truth than ME!  Get over yourselves you control FREAKS!

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