Tag Archives: free

Like lollipops & rainbows

Drowning in the fear of change

Will anything be the same?

I was promised things in my dream time

Will you promise me things will be fine?

I hope and pray that you’ll love me

I hope and I pray that you will stay

I dream that things will be lovelier for me

In each and every way

I stop to smell the roses

And hope I’m not pricked by thorns

I am tired of the sadness

I am tired of being forlorn

I try to stay positive, like the burning sun

I try to think in colour

Like the rainbow, it’s fun

I try to be happy

I try each and every day

I try to chase the storm out

I try to cover the grey

And I think I’m getting better

At finding joy in my life

Away from all the sadness

Away from all of the strife

So hear me when I tell you

I am looking for better things

Like lollipops and rainbows

And birds that sing

Though you call me rather silly

You have fallen on deaf ears

Because the light isn’t scary

No I have no more fears

Things are going to be better

Just you wait and you will see

That I will be happy soon

And I will be free!

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Pollyanna is dying

Pollyanna is dying, a slow and awkward death

She wants to stay positive

But should she hold her breath?

Things will work against her

Like they always do

There is only so much light here

Here within the blue

She is drowning in the misery

Of broken promises and lies

The blue are the tears that came from her

From all her heartfelt cries

She tried to keep them happy

With a little charm and wit

But they flogged her daily

With words so full of shit

Slowly they made her like them

Slowly her heart turned to stone

Because slowly the eels gnawed at her

Through her flesh and bone

Her happiness frustrated them

They couldn’t stand her words

It made them feel insubstantial

She is stupid and absurd

Of course life is not like that

They said day to day

How can you sit and tell us

Those things are bright and gay?

I tell you now, we will make you

See what life is like

That the whole world is a hard place

It will hit you like a spike!

You won’t be happy much longer

Not when we’re done and through with you

You say you should find the positives

We say, you have no clue!

You are stupid and naive

And we’re here to tell the truth

There is nothing so nice about life

Nothing is sweet and smooth!

You stupid little girl

With your stupid sweet ways

We are tired of you seeing things sideways!

We’ll knock you down and you’ll be like us

Off a pedestal

You will hurt like the rest of us

We are taking you to school!

The joy and laughter will leave you

When you come and see the truth

Do your lesson well and we will show you proof!

You can’t have these or this or that

You can’t be happy in mounds of scat

You will eat the shit of life we give you

Down here in the deep blue

You can’t tell me there’s something grateful here

Yes that’s right go and shed your tears

You are learning good, now shut your mouth

Or else we’ll go worse on you and take you to the South!

So Pollyanna is dying, she is leaving me

Pollyanna was once alive, deep inside of me

But they made me see that things aren’t bright

And maybe things one day won’t be alright?

Maybe they’ll stay the same and they won’t change at all

We are in this for the long haul

Can I ever see the light again or am I in too deep?

Will I have the courage, to close my eyes and sleep?

I can’t tell right now at all

Because today I am at a wall

It is blocking my sight to see

I wished I could be free

But I am stuck here in the blue

My only hope is to be fished out by you

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Matrix Key

I melt into you like mushy ice-cream on a hot summer’s day

My cold heart is thawing, now is it time to play?

I dream of a life that is better than my past

I will sail to my future it’s an adventure and fast!

I hope you won’t be shy when you come and find me

I hope you will understand my excitement and be free?

To be yourself whoever you may be

And together we will run into the sunset and let’s see

If all we knew is true and real

Have we left the matrix?

I think we’ve found the key

But together we are running towards the free formed sea

Are we going to drown in the waves?

You better not ask!

Because in happiness we are meant to bask!

Hand in hand we go together

To weather the storm and breathe the aether

We are one you and I

Together we will be free and fly!

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Pixelated pixie

I’m a pixelated pixie

I’m not what I want to be

I never had the chance

People suffocated me

I had some wings and flew once

But then they broke and weren’t the same

I became trapped like a bumblebee

In a jar and went insane

Someone release me from this prison

So that I can be free again

Though my wings are broken

With your help they will mend

I want to fly to the moon and back again

Just to say I could

I need to be free

Like all people should

This pixelated pixie

Needs to be put together too

But she can’t do this alone

She really needs you!

So come and help me on my venture

To become free like I never knew

So someday I can look back and know

To the moon I once flew!

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If you can’t cope then don’t make me

If you can’t cope with life and you enter my life, you will sail in troubled waters

If you can’t swim you’ll sink, perhaps our relationship you should rethink?

I am not going to be easy, when I’ve had a hard life

You’ve got to walk with me, or turn away to your light

I have bright days, good days too, I have than more often than you have a clue

I know I suffer and I shout it loud, but I have overcome things and for that I am proud

I am not disillusioned, I am not speaking lies, I have worked hard to live and to thrive

So when I don’t handle your bullshit, think why should I?  Then you should quit, because if the load is too heavy for you, then you don’t have the right to make me carry it too

I have my own baggage, I don’t want yours

I want a new life, with golden calm warm shores

I don’t want to dig another person’s grave; I don’t want to be your emotional slave

I want a life where things go smooth, where life is lived, not thought through

I want a life where action is key, a life where I am happy and ultimately free

So don’t bring me down because you can’t cope, because you think you know me when in fact you don’t

So don’t sit there and whine and moan, when I am out working things out and leaving you alone

I don’t wallow for long my friend, I work it out, I learn how to mend

So should you

You really should

Because living this way, is very good

Don’t offload your baggage to others if you want to be happy, if you want to live happily, change this habit snappily

It’s in your hands, not some chosen saviours, it’s in your hands and in your behaviours

So learn to ride alone in your emotional rides, learn it now and you will rise

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I’m not your therapy

Yes I am insane, insane because lots of people have bashed my brains

They tried to mould me to be like them, to control me and hold the reins

I don’t take it any more, this is why I rant

I know the fantasy in this blog is becoming more and more scant

But I need to release this strain of mine

Because my brain I need to find

I need to release it to the wind

I need to be free and untinned

I need to go my own way, not lean upon vagrant strays

I can’t stand upon my own two feet, when I am tying knots with those who deceit

I can’t be me when I am trying to be, something YOU expect of me

I’m not what you want, you see

I am not here for your therapy

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Tina is dead, long live me

I have chosen to die

I have chosen to grow

I have chosen to be someone you don’t know

Someone that was hidden

Far from view

Someone who knows you, but you don’t know who

I am now new

Though I am almost old

I was someone who did as they were told

Now I am fresh and I am now wise

I have changed totally in everyone’s eyes

But I am not changed because of who I am with

I am changed because I feel less stiff

I feel more free

 To be more me

Not someone that you wanted me to be

I am not Tina, I am not there

I am someone else, someone you can’t scare

Tina is dead

Long live me

Tina is gone

Now I live free

 

 

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Hollow feelings and death

I am feeling hollow
Surrounded by death
Though no one wants to hear my thoughts
They say I am selfish if I declare my pain
Feeling for strangers, that’s insane, they say
But I look on
Numb
Torn
Forlorn
Reborn
Like from the ashes of the cadavers around me
I form a new life within my self
For them
For me
That’s how death can set people free
Sometimes
Like now, that doesn’t work
Perhaps soon it will
But now I am still
Cold and worn
I need the warm
I need life
No more death
Just let me be
Free

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In your arms I’m free

In your arms I’m free
In your arms I’ll always be
In your arms I’m free
We have formed an affinity

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Daily Pages 1 2015

Daily pages are just that, to be written daily.
If I for whatever reason have forgotten to do so, some day, please email me at misstcousins@hotmail.com and tell me to pull my finger out and write them, if you are a fellow author or artist, because I need some motivation and support in my creativity at times; being lonely and without creative friends makes me lethargic and lazy.
Usually it is required to write three pages per day in your daily pages alone until you have built a habit of writing again; I start these and do it well for about seven weeks but then I lose interest and then I do not write for three or four months at a time; this is not because I have no interest in writing or because I am forcing myself to write because I am interested in the money prospect once published – but because I get lazy, I get ill, I get side-tracked by new games online or 1000 piece puzzles and painting.
I am 32yrs old, I have only one friend offline and I see her less than once a month because I live an isolated life, because of my sickness. I am trying to see her more often, especially as she is only four doors away from my house and her name is Alona, she is Latvian and we became friends because my son and her daughter goes to school together and are in the same class and are best friends.
Alona seems to me to be the perfect friend, one that is there for you during your ups and downs and though I personally don’t see her often, she helps a lot. My husband and my son see her daily and occasionally she looks after Henry for me if I have appointments that are at the times where we should pick him up from school – he enjoys going there and playing with his best friend Alice.
I just wish I could do more for Alona, as I am sorry to say it all seems too one-sided this friendship and I feel like I am taking advantage of her good nature.
Alona’s husband is a builder and has often offered to do our house up for us for free, I couldn’t possibly allow it, he works too much as it is.
I am reading a lot more lately too, I am getting through two to three books a week now, particularly books based on art and how to paint and cosmic ordering.
I must say however, that the more I read, the less I want to write fiction because I feel that I am stealing from someone all the time or many people, I don’t think there are original ideas anymore and I don’t want to come across as a cheating fraud; I have been on numerous writers groups online and they’ve all said that I shouldn’t worry about it and just simply write and get things published as a lot of people have confidence in me that I have natural talent not only in writing but also art. I still feel fraudulent though.
Today is a Saturday when I am writing these daily pages and they won’t be published until tomorrow, daily pages will be published on my blog the day after I have written them because I am trying to get ahead in my writing of this blog.
I am a little confused by myself, I created this blog to be based mostly around fantasy short stories and it has become a personal life and poetry blog instead, fully unintentionally, I am actually disappointed in myself for allowing it to be side-tracked, but it will be side-tracked a lot from now onwards because I do plan to talk about a great number of things, from food, to culture, as well as fiction and poetry.
Horror will be present on this blog too, so if you’re going to be too squeamish it might not be for you.
I am also very spiritual and will talk about various things in regards to spirituality and the occult.
Something random, today I went the hospital for an appointment with my consultant, yes a Saturday morning, no lie ins today; and on the bus I saw a lovely site, sitting on the fence in the beautiful English countryside just outside the East side of Coventry city, between Pailton and there, was a buzzard watching some sheep and it turned its head and looked directly at me, it was amazing.
I was also confused by some hedgehogs which seemed to be up and about at midday, two in fact, in half a mile distance to one and other, I thought they were strictly nocturnal.
I am unhappy with the fur I found outside my house today too, lots of it, looks like some animal had had it ripped right out of them in the night, I was a little unsettled, because I got myself involved a few years ago online with some witch friends and I got myself an American boyfriend who turned nasty and jealous with my offline friendships in the UK and he turned my friends against me and when they hate someone they do curse them and stalk them and tend not to forget them. It makes me wonder, you know?
Though Paul my husband reckons he heard a very aggressive cat fight last night around 3am, I take his word for it because I am nearly totally deaf these days without both my hearing aids in and when I am asleep the only way I can wake up from day to day is to be patted on the rump, I can’t even hear an alarm clock!
It is weird you know to think that it is cheaper to travel 120 miles away to visit a friend to a free entry fete in Sheffield than it is to go to a local adventure playground park, I bought this up because soon it is half-term and I am thinking about doing something with my son Henry; I was hoping to take him to The Conkers Discovery Center near Ashby-De-La-Zouch and it would cost us for the whole day around £90 – 110, whereas a trip to Sheffield to visit my friend at a free classic car show will be £18 return ticket via coach, it’s a mad world.
I then looked into taking him to the nearest zoo, all costs included; train fayre, food, tickets etc. will set us back £250.
We have a leaking roof which will cost us £3000 to replace as we’ve bought this house outright now, we have a new boiler system being put in next week and we are in dire need for a skip that will cost £150 for what we need.
My health is getting really crap now, excuse my French and so, I thought enough is enough and it’s time for a change – so I decided to re-enter my interest in cosmic ordering and ho’oponoopono to get my life back to where I want it to go and not where other people are forcing it to go.
I was told for cosmic ordering to be truly beneficial to you and your life, you must not set yourself limits or be humble in what you want, you’ve got to be completely honest with yourself about what you want from life or else it will feel you are trying to cheat the system and you won’t get exactly what you want – or if you do, there will be things you will still be unhappy about – so I have made a list of the things I really truly want, to the maximum and greediest of my dreams for a perfect life.
My wants and needs are thus;
I want a garden bigger than 1.5 acres not sure how big I am willing to go, but the garden must be able to contain a large area for guinea pigs and guinea breeding and rearing (breeding to keep and show, not sell or give away). The area should contain several pens to separate males and females for selective breeding and each pen should contain 20 individuals with lots of space for toys, and a little tunnel that leads outside in the garden for fresh air. My husband Paul used to breed guinea pigs in the past, so he has the necessary experience to do this.
The garden must also be big enough for me to have an agility training area for my dogs, Paul and I have agreed we must have at least 4; one pair will breed a litter where we will keep at least 1 pup and keep that line in our family for generations if possible. Again I will show my breeding pair of dogs, the other two dogs I won’t because we plan on having a giant breed and a lapdog, the breeding pair will be some kind of spaniel or collie. I have the necessary experience to train dogs, in fact I very nearly got a job as a police dog trainer, but because the job involved me bringing home two pups to live with me during their training my mum wouldn’t let me take the job (I lived with her at the time).
The garden must also be big enough for 50 fruit trees, particularly apples and hazelnuts, as we want to hire dormice to help them breed and work with the national wildlife trust.
We also want a vegetable and fruit patch at least 50ft square.
We want a large patio area with potted herbs that’s approximately 30 by 30ft and a large BBQ area; this patio area might be extended to an outdoor swimming pool that will have a pull enclosure that’s attached to the house so we aren’t limited to using it only in the summer.
We also want a little meadow flower patch to attract bees, we want to hire a beehive, and we also want a pond big enough to take 6 Aylesbury ducks.
We also need an area to put chickens, up to 30 of them.
And a little flower garden, a football field for the kids, another field with several adventure playground apparatus for the kids and finally a little moss garden retreat for me.
Ideally this house will contain a brook or a stream flowing through the garden somewhere.
As for the house we need a lounge for visitors, a family lounge, and a large shared office for me and Paul, a huge kitchen with a dining area and room for a sofa and an island and a walk in larder, as I am Ina Garten in this family.
We also want a separate formal dining room as we will host dinners.
We also need a large art and music studio as I do compose music as well as paint and write.
A play room for the kids downstairs would be an added bonus, a downstairs toilet, an outside toilet, a three car garage, an annexe for a housekeeper, and a minimum of 5 bedrooms because I want more kids and I have relatives that travel down from Manchester a lot who needs a place to stay at Christmas time.
My life will involve painting, writing, composing, and voluntary work, prop making for theatres and going to auction houses.
Ideally I would want for nothing, never to be in the situation again of deciding between going to the hospital via bus or having £8 less in the food budget that week, which is a lot, considering the current food budget, is £50 a week.
I do not want to drive, but Paul wants a large garage for two cars, one that’s large for day trips with the kids and friends, and another little run around for us to do shopping in when the kids are at school, he also wants a RV as we’ll take regular trips to Great Yarmouth and Dorset and the peak district for photography and rock pool reasons.
We’d also like to drive across Europe from time to time.
I would love to go to the fantasycon every year; I would love to go shopping in New York at Christmas time. I would love my health to get better so I can start living now I am away from forced isolation.
I want to be able to be a Goth again (though not a strict one as I get rainbow moments, hippy moments, sexy jazzy moments, steampunk moments and middle eastern harem belly dancer moments) and to afford their plus sizes as I am not a lightweight, I can barely afford normal types of clothes, let alone alternative fashions.
I want to say to my son, yes I can buy you those Disney Cars pyjamas that are £25, there you go – I want to be able to buy things off the rack in shops and not have a buy now and pay later account in some catalogue.
I want to surrender to my urges that one day I wake up and I say to myself, I want to go by bus to town, just to go to the library and sit about for a couple of hours and then come back home without second thoughts that this will cost me £7 out of our weekly food budget.
I don’t want to sit around for 3 months waiting for me to save enough to get more brushes or paints to finish a painting I’ve started, which is a regular occurrence.
I want to make friends that are so at home with me they think they’re family – I don’t want friends that are there just for fun or just to rant about life, I want positive, creative, spiritual and family oriented people who want friends because they want emotional support, they love people, they crave being with others and sharing food and homes with them.
That’s the dream life for me.
This is what I am working towards with my cosmic ordering ideas.
Wish me luck xx

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