Tag Archives: fate

1st reading p2

Here is part two of my tarot card and oracle readings for the month to come and R means that the card is in reverse.

These are the tarot decks and they are;

1 – Russell Grant’s Astro Tarot

R-CHARIOT – R-RABBIT – HEIROPHANT – R JUDGEMENT

  1. R CHARIOT

The card shows me there is indecision, hesitation or a slowing down of energies.  Because of what happened in my oracle decks, I take this as I am hesitant to make a decision because of emotional struggles and potentially trust issues.

  1. R RABBIT

This indicates that I will feel insubstantial to something; it is making me feel that what is happening, whatever it might be is implausible and not real, or a trick.

This cards position also shows me that I must not be sceptical, rude or abrupt to the person who is coming with an offer for something, as this person is a loving individual who means to help me and lift me up in some way.  They are also someone who feels there is a deep spiritual connection with me and the cards warn that they are just as fiery as I am and their willpower is stronger, so tread carefully! 

  1. HIEROPHANT

This card indicates a relationship where spiritual values are well-matched.  Someone is about to reveal a huge secret to me and give me plenty to think about.  They are going to be part of my major transformation and increased sense of overall wellbeing.

This person fully wants to adopt me into their life on all possible levels of existence, but ultimately they want to be my mentor for life and living well.  They could also increase my spiritual power.

  1. R JUDGEMENT

Something is going to make me restless.  I have definitely reached the end of a phase in my life and will have to say goodbye to some people.

There could be disappointment with a legal matter or legal papers or a small delay in them, which will ruin plans on the short term. 

This card also indicates an offer for a change of abode/home. 

Personally I think that for this to happen in just 4 weeks, is just too fast, but there you go.

  • – THE TRADITIONAL RIDER WAITE TAROT DECK

QUEEN OF CUPS – QUEEN OF WANDS – 7 PENTACLES – KING OF SWORDS I ALSO DROPPED THE 10 OF WANDS

  • QUEEN OF CUPS – under reversed chariot

This card shows me that there is definitely a new romantic relationship that could start in the next four weeks.  It is also indicating that there is nurturing energy around me too, someone who is kind, compassionate, empathic with me on most if not all levels.  This person is going to be supportive and heal my emotional wounds and help me learn to move on and have fun with life.

This person has very powerful, strong but gentle energy about them throughout this entire reading overall.

It’s going to be a very deep relationship that also indicates that eventually we will also be part of each other’s career somehow.  They are a creative person like me, perhaps we’ll collaborate?

There is a slowing down however, as there is reversed chariot energy above the queen of cups.  So we’re taking it slower than we’d like, because I think we both have a bit of nervous tension here and some kind of blockade to overcome?

  • QUEEN OF WANDS – under the reversed rabbit card

This card is a card of transformation again as well as indicating a new relationship or a strong fidelity coming my way.  So this card shows me there is a lot of determination and passion from this other person towards me, it’s almost like obsessive energy but it’s certainly not toxic energy, other cards have assured me that.

Despite an oracle card earlier indicating that this person is going to make the decision for me, but it is a decision they made out of love, not from a place of control – because they can see that I do not trust easily and they are so desperate to show me that they are different, and according to the reading overall, they really are!

You see the rabbit energy above the Queen of wands tells us, that I am insecure about how real their offer of a relationship with me is.  I am the one being cautious and frightened to go with my heart and instinct as I am scared of getting hurt or being tricked again.

  • THE SEVEN OF PENTACLES – under the hierophant

Is showing me that again, there is a relationship because I have become somebodies labour of love – they are determined and persevering to show me that they are different.  It’s really lovely to see how much work they are willing to put into trying to convince me they are OK, that they are genuine.  With the hierophant energy they are trying hard to mentor me to heal and to trust. 

They are so full of patience with me, that it’s actually very touching to read this…

It even shows they are willing to sacrifice a lot for themselves in order to convince me and show me another way, they are really investing a lot of themselves for my happiness and to help me heal and to be with me.

Other cards in the past showed me that this person will put a hold on their entire life, even their career if needs be, if it meant that they got me in their life. 

Seriously dude, whoever you are, you don’t need to be so drastic, OK?  I am sure we’ll figure something out!

  • KING OF SWORDS – under the reversed judgement

The King of swords indicates a struggle with figures in authority, particularly as it is underneath the reversed judgement card.  Someone in authority is holding something back from progressing as fast as I would like.  Their standards are high and strict and they could be blocking how fast my transformation is. 

I need to be stern about what is going on and show people I won’t be pushed away from something or someone, but I also see that I need someone else’s candid approach to make things work too, this is a third person I am seeing here – someone who holds the keys to legal documents or some kind of authority over me or this new person coming into my life.

  • TEN OF WANDS – under the Queen of cups

I see that there is a huge obstacle I have overcome in order for this new relationship to come about – the huge blockade will successfully have been removed but it isn’t without its blood sweat and tears for the both of us involved.

It strongly indicates that the block is coming from my new person’s career, but his friends will support him all the way and will help ease him out of a sticky situation.  Fascinating.

We both will definitely feel a little burnt out because of the struggle, it is definitely a stressful time.  But the hurdle has been got over and we are going to be OK it appears.

  • – KABBALISTIC TAROT

10 OF CUPS – R QUEEN OF SWORDS – R 3 OF WANDS – THE MAGICIAN

  • 10 of cups – under the Queen of wands

OK so this is a good reading but it feels unrealistic, I am not usually a pessimist but the readings I have been getting lately are outrageously outlandish!  It’s totally out there – it’s too good to be true, you know? 

The ten of cups is always a positive thing to have in your reading it means, abundance, it indicates legacy, it indicates wealth and prosperity it is not dissimilar to the wheel of fortune, there is definitely a lot of positive energy and happiness in this card. 

It is immediately underneath the Queen of wands and she is directly underneath the rabbit card – all of this indicates a wonderful relationship that will literally alter my reality in every single way shape and form.

I told you the energy I have been sensing lately is BIG! 

Happiness, homecomings, fulfilment, emotional stability, security, domestic harmony is all indicative of this card.  In just 4 weeks?  No way, I can’t see how!  But amazing if it’s true!

It’s the “you’re gonna have it all” card.  To be frank, I’m scared at how quick this is coming… I mean, like… WTF?

Deep spiritual connection, new relationship, feeling of being delusional that things are not real – then this card shows up?  No freaking way!

Gosh, who is this guy?

I am going to burst I can tell you and I am going to feel so stupid next month if I am doing another reading and there is nothing that happened, lol.

  • R QUEEN OF SWORDS – under the 7 of pentacles

I am very pessimistic with what the person coming into my life is all about, this card shows that I am judging them harshly and maybe lose my temper with them a bit because I feel that they are wrong about what they want from me.

But they are going to persevere because they really want this!  They are not going to give up on me and they won’t let me give up on life either!  There are going to be some harsh home truths coming my way or going their way, either or both.  

It’s going to be hard, because this person is going to use a trick to convince me and I will apparently fall for it.  But it’s not a nasty trick, because the cards above it indicate otherwise, but to onlookers what he will propose to me looks utterly toxic, but it’s what is necessary for him to do in order to show me that – hey – I am real and genuine with you and I am going to have you!

According to the reading as a whole, they are completely consumed by me and they are not letting me go anywhere, they are not taking no for an answer, because they can sense I really want this too!  And to be honest with you, I do!  I think…

They are going to lay my life on the table and make me look at it and then offer me something completely different, but I won’t believe them because I feel unworthy and that’s when they are going to shove it in my face apparently… harshly… then give me an ultimatum about it!

Phew, oh boy, some big energy from this guy!  It kind of makes me feel like saying… “Who do you think you are you beautiful lovely persistent asshole”?  Whilst also hugging him tight and not letting him go anywhere!

  • R 3 OF WANDS – under the King of swords!

So again, we have a delay because of authority, but also a delay could be caused by my insecurities with what is going on with my new person.  I or they have to learn to compromise and understand new things.

We both need to lay all of our problems on the table immediately to clear the air so we can help each other overcome all of our obstacles, so that the relationship can start smoothly.

Patience for all of us is called for, patience is the key – don’t be eager to rush ahead, because it could scare the weaker person away… the weaker person is me as the cards indicate that throughout.

There are also challenges at my partner’s work!  Who the heck has a job where their boss has a say on what goes on in their personal life?  All I can think of is that maybe this is indicative of a military establishment?  I can’t think of any other industry where someone would have to answer to their boss about new relationships… if you can please comment below!

  • THE MAGICIAN – under the 10 of wands

So OK, the hurdles we had to leap over in regards to starting our new relationship was definitely indicative of my persons career – but now the cards say that we are going to be OK because we will overcome it with our skills and trickery and desire and sheer willpower!   We are both powerful masters of manifestation, so he is a highly spiritual person, whoever he may be!

It’s definitely going to be a battle of the wills, most likely for him more than me as the cards indicate my willpower is much less than his, I am easy in defeat but he certainly isn’t giving up!

He is certainly going to make things happen and he is pulling out all of the resources to make sure he gets what he wants here!  There is no stopping this guy, I think I am in love with him before I’ve even met him – I love persistent little asshats with an huge ego who grabs life by the balls and don’t let anyone get them down, gosh I love this guy! 

Come to me daddy, come on! Lol

  • – THE WITCHES TAROT by Ellen Cannon Reed

R 6 OF WANDS – 10 OF WANDS – 5 OF SWORDS – R ACE OF CUPS – R SUN

  • R 6 OF WANDS – under the 10 of cups

Although the card it is under is great and very exciting, it also indicates that my confidence is at an all-time low or that maybe my new person may feel a little neglected because of my insecurities to relax around them.

I really do need to change my attitude and build my esteem or this relationship could turn bitter, if I am insecure for too long.

This reading totally indicates that I will be to blame if this relationship fails because of my insecurities and my inability to believe in myself.

I’ll drive this poor patient guy into exhaustion because I won’t understand why he likes me so much.  But like all fortune telling, tarot cards are here to show us what is what and how not to make bad things happen.  So I have a lot of self-reflection to do and I can’t sit back and say “I am not worthy” when he wants me so much, it isn’t fair.  He has worked hard to get to where he is in asking me for this relationship and probably will lose a lot too, over it. 

It’s almost like I feel he is too good to be true that I am talking him out of the relationship, because… why are you bothering with someone like me?  Look at me… you know.  I know I am insecure, but I can totally see why this card says this!

So I have to believe in this guy as much as he believes in me, it can’t all be one sided here!

The cards are more or less saying – it will be successful, IF I LET IT HAPPEN!  My insecurities and my self-value will determine if this happens or not! 

There is nothing else against us except for this authority figure that is controlling him and my own insecurities, if these things can be overcome, we will be flying!

  • 10 OF WANDS AGAIN – under the reversed Queen of swords

This energy is doubled as it was in the reading earlier!  Here is a reminder of what that said.

“I see that there is a huge obstacle I have overcome in order for this new relationship to come about – the huge blockade will successfully have been removed but it isn’t without its blood sweat and tears for the both of us involved.

It strongly indicates that the block is coming from my new person’s career, but his friends will support him all the way and will help ease him out of a sticky situation.  Fascinating.

We both will definitely feel a little burnt out because of the struggle, it is definitely a stressful time.  But the hurdle has been got over and we are going to be OK it appears.”  This is doubled in its energy here. 

But because this card is also under the reversed Queen of swords it also shows us that once again my insecurities are a huge factor in the success or failure of this relationship and my person is not the type to give up without a fight!

He is going to have me and I just have to love him for it, basically, because ultimately, all the cards and previous readings have indicated we’re perfect for each other, we are going to be so happy together, but it’s all down to my acceptance that I am worthy of all this!

My other readings in other fortune telling mediums and other tarot readings have shown me, this is a till death do us part relationship – so once we overcome the hurdles, we are each other’s last, long-term relationship!

  • 5 OF SWORDS – under the reversed 3 of wands

There is a huge conflict against a figure of authority again, there are major hostilities going on because of what my person wants and someone is getting in their way, big time! 

This shows, although they will win on this matter he will lose something equally important to him. 

This indicates that we are both victorious in what we want, but we are going to be left picking up the pieces of something that has been completely destroyed by this third person.  For my person, they literally have to start again from scratch. 

This makes me feel so bad for them!

What are they losing?  Looks like their career or something… its huge whatever it is!  The card indicates a friendship tied to a career.

But whatever it is, my person is glad to have done it because the inner conflict of not having what he wants the most would hurt him more, according to the cards – so for him, it was worth it in his eyes!

Yikes, I feel so awkward.

  • THE REVERSE ACE OF CUPS – under the magician

We will endure a long suffering to get to where we want to if this is a relationship reading, like it appears to be. 

There is insecurity in the relationship, it could also mean a breaking up or a parting of the ways, but that could just be between Paul and I, because as I have said before in other posts, we’re on the cusp of separation and this new person is definitely here to stay according to so much in this reading as well as others in the past.

The magician shows us that we do prevail, but it’s going to be sad, frustrating and there are going to be hostile people around us initially.

  • THE REVERSED SUN – under the reversed 6 of wands

Once again my pessimism gets into the way a little bit.  I am confused why this person likes me so much and it could put a block up for us both to start the relationship.

I understand that I do want him as much as he wants me, but for me, the cards show me I will think he is far too good for me and that why would he want someone who like me when there are better out there for him?

The cards show me this is some top quality guy, ticks all of my boxes in every single way, but I feel so insecure about myself because I have a low opinion on both my looks and my personal situation that I just can’t see, why he’d want someone like me! 

True if he is exactly like how I am reading him to be… in my opinion, why would he want a fat, 40yr old, who is deaf and one step away from society calling her trailer trash?

I mean, come on, I am a realist you know?  Things like this don’t happen to women like me!

The cards tell me, stop this attitude, because it’s real, get out of your head woman and just accept your fate!

Everything indicates this is destiny, yet all I can think about is… if he turns up and he is as great as these cards says he is, I am going to either faint run away or vomit!  I am a highly stressed individual with a constant nervous stomach!

  • – THE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES TAROT DECK

R 4 OF SWORDS – PARANORMAL – R CHARIOT – WHEEL OF FORTUNE – 8 OF CUPS AND R 10 OF CUPS

  • REVERSE 4 OF SWORDS – under the 10 of wands

It’s a restless time there is a lot to do, it’s going to be an emotional and bumpy ride and the stress can affect my health a little bit. 

There is a temporary blip in the new relationship, where I am given time to think things through after an ultimatum, they are going to give me time to adjust to what they are going to offer me in my life with them.  They won’t let me rush my decision either, they will find it hard to remove themselves from me in the short term, but they believe it is necessary to force some kind of reflection and absorb it all. 

They ultimate will be relentless in telling me that I am absolutely what they want and they will be very harsh with me about it, they don’t like how I feel about myself.

The temporary blip will rejuvenate me and it will ignite something big in the both of us.  This is totally going to improve matters and make things final, that we are going to have a relationship – as long as I am determined to be strong and think differently about myself and what it means for us both as a whole.

This card is not final – this card is indicative of what may happen if I allow my insecurities to take over.  So basically… do I really want to be put into a situation where I want them, but they removed themselves from me for a time, because I am having adjustment issues?

Hmm.  If they are as great as I think they are, then – no way do I want that.  So, I have to swallow my inverse pride and get on with it and jolly well be happy about it too!

  • PARANORMAL CURIOUSITY under the 5 of swords

A dire need to sort something major out in in my life.  This indicates that the supernatural will take over this problem and create a miracle for us so that we can manifest our aims.

This is in regards to dealing with the figure of authority who is trying to get in the way – this is right after the cards which said my person could lose a lot and have to start again somehow. 

Apparently someone is going to do something unethical and I am not to step on their toes about their beliefs regarding how to handle this matter. 

I am not allowed to know what it is that happens to make the changes necessary – the spirits have asked me not to pry into this.

  • R CHARIOT – under the reverse ace of cups

This cards energy is doubled as it has occurred twice in this reading in the same line – reverse chariot below the ace of cups which is below the magician, which is below the 10 of wands, which is below the queen of cups that is below the reversed chariot – so we have the reverse chariot at the beginning of the reading and we have the reverse chariot at the end of the reading in the same quadrant.

So there is a delay in whatever is about to occur, this is definitely indicative.

So there is definitely a lot of hostility about us being together and there is a lot of blockages and I have to trust my instincts that this guy is genuine and that he knows what he wants and it happens to be me!

No two ways about it.

It’s going to be hard and emotional and I have to get used to it, or lose it all, whilst he too, will lose it all because of me and I have to live with the guilt if I don’t!

As this energy shows me, some very negative stuff will be witness by me, if I choose to let my insecurities get the better of me and I will become sick very quickly as a result of this.  Something terrible will happen to the guy who wants me, if I am not going to be brave enough to accept what I want and that I am deserving of good things.

Something so bad could happen if I refuse him that I will never forgive myself and I will become bitter and broken hearted and very ill.

Basically, I know it sounds dramatic.  But it’s like we’re both going to die if we don’t get together… you know what I mean?

I mean crap…

Who are we Romeo and Juliet?

Sorry but… erm… ew… I don’t do romance… definitely not Shakespearian romance!

Gosh we’ve got to get a grip on ourselves!

  • WHEEL OF FORTUNE – under the reverse sun

Yeah ok this is indicative of fate, destiny, tremendous luck, good fortune and everything else that good! 

We are definitely going to have a good life together, it is all going to be brilliant, it is pre-ordained almost, so I suppose I have to swallow my inverse pride and get brave and stop humbling myself huh?

It makes me sound ungrateful and moody and pessimistic, but I know I am going to be so happy anyway… so I really don’t get what it is that is making me so insecure about the guy!

He is going to be either super-hot, rich or famous or knowing my luck all three and that’s why I can’t believe it and I am running away…

In fact it would probably explain a lot, but NAH it’s not like…. NAH….

Look it’s not like my biggest celeb crush of all time is going to knock on my door is it? 

Or is it?

Oh my gosh…

Well, you’ll never know if it is!  Lol, I have enough celebrities in my family to know how to keep things to myself for their privacy sake!

So, too bad for you if it is this…

OMG

Could be…

Nah!

Just probably super hot and kinda well off.

Was told to read the reverse sun again – OMG stop being so pessimistic!  HELP… no please don’t… but please do… I mean… I never wanted to be mega famous; I am scared of the paparazzi!  Especially after what they did to someone in my…  never mind… forget what I said!

  • EIGHT OF CUPS under the 4 of swords

“The Eight of Cups signifies time for change or transition, by means of walking away from something. Just like a caterpillar has to die before transforming into a beautiful butterfly, we all need to transform ourselves in our lives from time to time. This is the case especially after being tired of living what was the day to day, and embarking on a journey that will help one have a deeper understanding about life in general.” I have quoted this from Labyrinthos which has been helping me with the readings…

OMG I have been saying I am like a caterpillar and butterfly for ages now!

I am asked if the partner is good for me then why am I trying to make them abandon me?

They will walk away for a small time, but not first without giving me an ultimatum… again, it’s my fault with my insecurities.  I have got to just go with the flow and just do what my heart wants to and that is to scream YES OK in their face whilst dancing like a lunatic…

  • REVERSE TEN OF CUPS under the paranormal card

There is definitely a separation, but that’s definitely me and Paul… as we know we are on the road to that right now.

An external figure is trying to get in the way of my new relationship, we have established that already and we know it is something to do with his job – however, this card also indicates it could also be a relative of his.

Some arguments could be very public – erm I don’t like the sound of this.

But either way, we’re sticking together and apparently after a long while of stress and hostility from others, we will be OK.  More than OK in fact and according to the cards, people will relax about us quicker than we anticipate.

Unfortunately though, again, I feel guilty.  Because this guy is going to lose a lot – gosh I hope I am worth it, poor guy!

I really want to squeeze him tight right now as I feel real bad about it all.

But know this… I like the sound of you whoever you are!

Though quite frankly you terrify me and I have no idea why, yet!

Thank you for reading and thank you whoever you are for trying so hard!

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Filed under cosmic ordering

Who designed me?

Your past does not define you

Your love is always requited

You need to be brave to find me

Be brave and you’ll be knighted

I am yours but you don’t know

That I dream of you every night

I know you watch me daily

You don’t lose me from your sight

But I can’t be yours until you tell me

That is a fact I know

Because I don’t know who you are

But I want for us to grow

I know you are warm and kind

I can feel it in my bones

I know you are perfect for me

You’re my Goldilocks zone

I know you send me messages

Each and every night

You buzz through my sacral chakra

And fill me with delight

I know you are unhinged

But that doesn’t frighten me

Because we are one, you and I

Together we’ll be free

I know you can be brave

I see it in my visions

That you will turn up on my door

Because you lack inhibitions

Together we will soar

In each other’s arms

And I know that you will always

Protect me from harms

I don’t have long to wait

My depression is getting worse

I don’t want you to lose me and feel that you are cursed

Time is of the essence

And the time is running short

I need my knight to find me

And take me to his fort

I have such love to give

I need a warm embrace

I know much more than this

I sound like a nutcase

But know one thing about my song

And that is I need you

You don’t need me, but want me

And you know what, I want you too!

So know the answer to your question will always be a yes

Don’t leave it till the last minute

Or things will get into a mess

I know you are the man

Who will release my soul

You are my missing piece, you will make me whole

I dreamt of you since I was nine

I knew you did exist

Just where you are I had a clue…

But I thought I’m round the twist

Like a snake wound round a tree

I know you see me

But I wandered through life alone

Wondering, when will you bring me home?

Home is a place and it is in your arms

A place where I am safe, from all the evil and the harms

I am like a friendly dog, waiting for you dear

It drives me crazy when I know, that you are so, so near

Has the left hand lead me astray?

As it throbs this very day…

Maybe it’s all a dream

The agony of not knowing makes me scream

I need you

But you don’t need me

I love you, can’t you see?

These dreams grow more intense each day

For you to find me, I pray

But do you hear me, as I hear you?

Do you even have a clue?

Do you love your gentle Saffy?

Or am I being soft and sappy?

Who knows what is right or wrong

Perhaps I have lost my mind

Perhaps I should become silent

But I feel we are entwined

Like a fool when you find me

I will babble and laugh a lot

Because I do that when I am shy, nervous and hot

I’ll be a mess when you meet me

I will find it hard to speak

But I know as soon as you ask me

I will answer with a squeak

Yes!

I don’t need to know more than that

I just know you, when you come

You’ve designed me with the universe

When you were feeling numb

I am here to help you heal your heart

And to love you so

I am the sunshine in the spring, to melt your winter’s snow

I exist because of you

Because you wanted me

I need you because of this

But you don’t need me

Take me or leave me

I will know my fate

Once you are sure you don’t want me

I’ll go back to Heavens Gate

Sorry for how sickly sweet this is, I am not known for this kind of stuff. But that is an outpouring of my heart, because I sense something. I know it sounds strange, but there it is.

For the longest time I have felt that I was made specifically for a certain person and I never found them. My whole life has felt a sham, because they aren’t in my life.

I know it’s crazy talk, but this is what has affected me a lot over the years.

What is bad is the synchronicities are getting worse, I am getting signs from people who seem to know something is going to happen by November, but nobody is letting up what. Paul is convinced something is afoot too, but I think maybe its’ just his wishful thinking too as it would get me out of the way…

But you know what? This has gone on many years before the signs that other people have given and this is all happening at a time where I am in my opinion, my most emotionally vulnerable.

I am finding it hard to live in the hope that al of these visions since a child, are ever going to come true. I am getting older and I feel like a silly love sick child of a presumed imaginary romance if you can call it that? Been telling myself for years, it’s time to grow up now.

The ultimate thing is, I feel there is a major decision that will determine whether or not, this is going to happen or not. I don’t know where this feeling is coming from – but what I do know is that my fate is heavily tied to it.

It really is a queer feeling, knowing you might have been created just for a person and I feel so stupid putting this out there, but my instinct tells me it’s time.

So mad or not, it’s out there now.

Let’s see, what will happen… I have a feeling I won’t share one way or the other on here. As I feel that once I know something, I have to remain hushed for a while and I may only post poems and fashion tips on my blog in the future with no life updates whatsoever. Just a feeling, thats all.

Happy reading!

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Filed under poetry

The fool tried

Slimy wet rose upon white bone was held within his hands

Freshly skinned skull staring back at him from his palms with hollowed eyes

The smell of victory abounds

The sounds of mortal screams echoed all around

He stood proud and tall and that wasn’t all

His victims heart had only just stopped – the fool

Fool to think he could do him down

That he could win the war

But he showed this fool he was wrong and his heart is now on the floor

Too many have suffered the same fate

But many believe they are strong

And now they lie in a deathly sleep

And their families mourn their song

A pile of skin by the killer’s feet is a sentiment of his fate

For one should not believe they can burn the devil’s gate

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Filed under poetry

When the bell of life rings

Even the kindest of people can be unthinking and careless with your needs

Never be dependent upon another and their kind deeds

For one day they might go away, walk away or die

They say you mustn’t think of such things, but when you are in need – why?

It is essential to think the worst for what will happen if it does?

You can’t underestimate the power of fate, that even the strongest die

Although many can’t help being needy, like me

It is a scary concept to be in

But you can’t brush it all away under a carpet verbatim

What will happen if I am alone?

Who will care for me?

I can’t rely on charity, to always rescue me

It is a selfish thought I know, but what will happen, where could I go?

Nobody really cares or knows

We are not to talk of such things

No matter how close we are to when the bell rings

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Cruel life

Life can be cruel, it takes things away

Happiness and people and health and play

You don’t know when it will happen, you only know it will

It is only a matter of time, I wished that time stood still

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Like a spider to a fly, they will know your lie

Silence is no longer for me

I will talk and I will say the truth

I will tell people all about you

Whether you like it or not, about my youth

You can’t always hide from facts

You can’t always lie

One day it will catch you up

Like a spider to a fly

One day you will get slower in mind

One day you will slip up

One day people will hear the truth

Because one day you will fuck up

And I won’t be there when this happens to you

I abandoned you long ago

So be careful of the seeds you sow because you will never know

Which path they will take you, fast or slow

For the truth to be revealed

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You have the power

Nothing is impossible it is merely impassable for the time being

Obstacles are overcome, no matter what they are; you just need patience a positive mind and time

If you learn to think differently, eventually whatever you want will be thine

You have to change your mind, your ways, and your energy for if you don’t, you will be stuck in the same place you have created for yourself long ago

You don’t want this anymore do you?  You want it all to go?

It is easier than you think, that is the problem, what you think is the current enigma of your supposed defeat

You can free yourself and the way is easy if you learn to try, try and think and believe those thoughts to be true and you will realise

You had the power to be there all the time.

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Ugh, flu season earlier than expected by 2 weeks

Woke up today feeling really ill, yes the flu season is upon us but it hit me earlier than I expected, anyway, I forced myself, literally forced myself to write for NaNoWriMo and 750words.com today, the internet has been tetchy off and on today where I thought for a long time that I won’t be able to add any updates to any website too, so I really did feel the fates were against me today, but I pushed through willy nilly and I managed to do both my 750words and 2191 words towards NaNoWriMo – take that, negative vibes!

According to the NaNoWriMo website, if I continue to write as much as I am doing, I should be finished by the 21st November, now how’s that?

Hope things don’t get worse!

 

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The fates rhyme

As the midnight hour approaches

All the evil things encroaches

On all the living and the dozy

As they sleep in bed all nice and cosy

Weaving magic above their heads

Some will wake in the morning

Some will not

Some will awaken before then, in shock!

As nightmares are woven above their heads

Spinning yarns of fate on fine threads

No one knows what waits for them

In the morning, an evil fate or a shining gem

It is always a new dawning

And the fates never give a warning

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Corridors of my mind

I am wandering and lonely in the corridors of my mind
Heart broken into pieces, you drink my tears like wine
I suffer with your lack of patience
I am cursed with your temper too
My heart is bleeding for release
My mind is like a balloon
Will it pop under your incessant pressure?
Will it bang in its cocoon?
Is my destiny to be rescued?
Or is it to become a loon?
I don’t dare to choose my own path
I don’t dare to release myself
But how can I live with such evil?
How can I defend myself?
Only time will hear me
Will it act and save the day?
Will I be rescued swiftly?
Or doomed to fade away?
I am worried for my questions
I am scared of the future too
I don’t know what will happen to me
But I hope it happens soon
I remain in this tight spot
Until fate has turned the key
To lock me into madness
Or to release me till I am free
I don’t dare to judge what will happen
A clue of my future there is none
I just hope it happens swiftly
Release me from my mum
This was written on Good Friday 2017, 4yrs after I broke away from my mother. But, these are the thoughts that used to come to me when I lived with her. I always felt this desperate, especially as nobody ever believed me when I asked them to help me with her. Not many people believe what I say about her, but it is all true, no matter what they say.
I have no reason to lie and what hurts me the most is the fact that my own mother will sit back and tell me that those memories I share with people, good or bad memories, are false, she tried to convince me that I don’t know my own mind.
Such is the manipulation of someone who is abusive; they can manipulate even the minds of those of who believe them to be good people. They can wear any mask for any occasion they want, so if anyone in your life tries to tell you something negative about a person you respect, don’t shun it please, you never know anyone 100%.

 

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