A lazy day today, real lazy, I slept something like five hours longer than normal and didn’t realise the time at all when I woke up – it’s frustrating because I went to sleep four or five hours earlier than I normally do because I want to get into a new routine! Ironic really!
Though I think I’ve caught the cold Paul and Henry has, as I am achy and bleh!
If I could dress however I wanted to today how would I?
A light cotton dress made useless by a hugely thick knee length fleece cardigan, white dress potentially and rainbow cardigan – I want to wear large beaded jewellery, so I would probably have three different length necklaces on, wooden beads with copper or brass and bracelets to match.
It’s not summer and it’s not a warm day, but I am crazy enough to wear sandals with this because I know I will be warm with that cardy.
As lazy as I feel I’d actually make more effort with my hair today and have them done with curling tongs, so I have a cute but scruffy rainbow dolly look to me.
I may even do something I really love and wear one of my knitted plaits in my hair and maybe attach a couple of feathers to it.
Basically I want to look like a child from Peter Pan’s lost boys or like something that fell out of my all-time favourite TV series, The Tribe, today.
It’s an OK day to be gardening, dry at any rate – so I’d have probably have been out there today if it wasn’t for the bad neighbour. Especially as I seem to have window trained a great tit to befriend me in the last few days, I have a feeling he’d actually sit on my lap or something if I were outside he doesn’t seem afraid of me when I am at the window and he has come up to look at me within 3 inches and I move and he doesn’t flinch.
As I said before, when it comes to wildlife, I am a bit of a Disney Princess.
Talking of which I had a dream last night that six hedgehogs came into the garden one after the other and walked into the house and wouldn’t leave and as I was trying to encourage them to get out, they hid. When Paul felt that they can’t live in the house, he went to chase them out and as he did so they all slowly morphed into porcupines instead and aggressively tried to defend themselves from being man handled.
Paul was so upset in the dream he phoned up a specialist to get rid of this very problem, the man came and said that the hedgehog/porcupine problem is down to him not remembering things for me and not taking care of me properly, so the porcupines are trying to fill in his duties.
Paul sarcastically said what like doing the washing up etc? This made the entire four little baby porcupines become bigger than their largest parent and they all chased Paul – I don’t know what happened to Paul in the dream after that, but I was confused and went into the garden.
I nearly trod on a frog and the frog was sitting in a crack in the patio looking at me. When the hedgehog/porcupine specialist came out into the garden and was on the phone to somebody – he then turned to me and said that someone special has arranged a party for me and that they are going to be coming soon.
I was confused because nobody visits us.
So, when people started letting themselves into my house to set up the party in the garden I was amazed to find loads of people there, mostly celebrities, like Queen, Whitesnake and a bunch of others.
I never did find Paul again in the dream.
I woke up when someone behind me kiss me on the cheek and cuddled me from behind, whilst Brian May was about to start on his guitar for me.
Weird dream, but fun!
I think that the hedgehogs is something to do with my inability to do art because of my art table being used for other things – hedgehogs are one of the main animals I tend to paint and draw with confidence.
I feel like a vampire rock chick today, feel half gothic, half rock chick.
I have black jeans which is something but I want them ripped – not doing that to the pair I’ve got!
But I haven’t got what I really want today and that is a black jean jacket with red roses embroidered on it. I have the white cami with a lace trim which is good, I can’t find my bike chain necklaces unfortunately or my SLAYER brooch and the box containing my heeled boots I bought a couple of years back but never wore is also lost!
I also had a box of cheap costume jewellery rings, again lost.
That’s the thing with this house; it tends to eat things and regurgitates them back up again a few months later in a sorry state usually!
I also haven’t got any decent make up; I want to wear red lipstick today and who the blazes has nicked my crimper?
I shouldn’t say rock chick really when I am listening to my vampire metal playlist – because the songs I am listening to are metal version of Vivaldi and O Fortuna with the occasional Marilyn Manson… don’t ask – just don’t ask! It’s one of those days!
It’s also one of those days where I am concentrating a lot on vampires, dark poetry and general dark stuff and a little erotica with it too!
If I have days like these I must use it to those genres – I can’t force myself to focus on Project AD or Steampunk 1 when days like that happen – I have to go with my flow or to put it mildly, I will get fuck all done for ages!
And yes…. Seeing me head banging is productive because it gets me into the mood for a scene I want to write, lol – it’s that or I am banging my head against the flipping writing desk! Your choice!
Today the style I have in mind would be earth tone colours with a focus on light browns and orange, a suede waistcoat with gold and brown buttons, suede trousers and ankle boots, under the waistcoat a lighter coloured long sleeved stop and perhaps a cravat around my neck? Well, where else would I wear a booming cravat anyway? Around my ankle? LOL
My hair would be styled in a low bun with a dangle of hair from my left side hanging down, slightly messy, slightly rustic.
Wooden or gold jewellery, since Paul has figured out I don’t have an allergy to real gold, it’s the gold plated type, and he thinks I have an allergy to iridium, but I don’t really know for sure. I just know certain earrings my mum bought me over the years make me break out in a rash and that recently I got a new lady shaver with gold on the tip and I seem fine.
I have to admit I feel very quiet today, not very social, withdrawn, serious and having a no nonsense vibe about me. But peaceful, still peaceful, very reflective and thinking philosophically more than usual, which is a lot, because I think about philosophy every day as it is.
Which brings me to the second subject of the post; I may start talking more about philosophy because I don’t think I can help it. I am being highly influenced by certain philosophical books I have been reading and I have drawn up my own ideas about life and the world – so don’t be surprised if I am bringing in new subjects to the blog.
It’s part of my journey in life, part of my transformation.
I clearly don’t utilise the internet enough and I don’t think outside of the box much, in fact only recently I have learned how ignorant I actually am – no in fact, stupid is the word, stupid.
Before I got sick I would spend a fortune each month on fashion and gardening magazines just to keep up to date with both trends and the same for certain science magazines too. It never occurred to me in the whole twenty six years I’ve had the internet that I can get this information for free online!
It has only been recently when I have been watching fashion trend videos on YouTube and reading money saving books from the library had I actually realised, I shouldn’t have been missing out in the past seven or eight years because lo and behold it’s online! What a numpty I am!
I realised the other day when a friend shared on Twitter that Vogue and various magazines are on there as well as my favourite fashion brands etc. and I was like WOAH. I thought it was all about fandoms and movie geeks, but no, there’s more to the net than that!
Yes I am definitely forty and finding this out so late in my life has made me feel older than my parents!
You didn’t believe me the other day when I said I might well be a nerd, but I am also the biggest airhead I know, did you?
So with that being said I am surprised a couple of my favourite colours are trending for this coming spring, thank goodness they are moving away from grey!
Here is what I think of the main five main colours for the upcoming season;
Digital lavender, I love all shades of purple and this particular shade makes my bedroom look fashionable right now, which is a plus! Though don’t tell anyone I haven’t painted the room in 11yrs! Whoops!
I am excited to see luscious red up there on the list because the amount of clothing I have right now of this colour already, means I won’t look out of touch this year! Especially since I have lost a lot of weight and oversized jacket and blazers are the rage now, so woo hoo, go me!
Sundial, I wouldn’t say that’s a spring colour though would you? I’d say late summer autumn? I have a lovely shrug like this and I personally wouldn’t wear that in spring. Though Henry loves the colour and wants a tailored suit of this colour he has seen online recently, but we just can’t afford £200 for something like that!
Tranquil blue is a similar shade to many things I have too in my wardrobe, but I don’t think it suits me too much.
Verdigris now I love this colour and I wished I could get my hands on more things that are this colour!
I don’t know what it is with me and squirrels but I have a Verdigris jumper with squirrels on it climbing a paisley tree – yikes, is paisley out?
Now you see, the thing with me is – I like to watch the trends, but I don’t chase them and follow them, instead I find the joy in predicting the trends and making my own!
I stick with comfort and what I find is pretty, I am quite a critic when it comes to fashion.
For example I predicted that grey is in for the long haul a few years ago and I was right about that it lasted nearly 3yrs in the area I lived in particular and unfortunately stone seemed to be getting popular too, well thankfully that was a short one! I hate grey; it’s the ugliest colour in the world!
Yellow is never a good colour to wear in the summer, insects are attracted to that colour so it is usually a late autumn and early winter colour for me, so I hope that they won’t transition yellows into the coming summer trend!
I predict magenta and rose pink may be colours for the summer as well as cobalt blue and metallic like copper and perhaps white or black denim. Just my thoughts!
Or wish list, who knows?
Though I like lime personally and orange needs a comeback, which I heard is currently trending?!
Now the idea of all those pockets is horrifying, that’s something I can’t find tasteful.
It is typical that the low rise waist is fashionable when I don’t have the abs for it right now; I have wanted that in trend since I was in college!
As well as lace tank tops so I am seeing…
Oh and I have always loved sequins since I was a girl, there is a hint in which wrestler I am related to now you read that!
Everybody loves the heart motifs so I am totally down with that, this is why I predict rose pink or magenta is coming up for the summer trends!
Today after writing this I feel in a black and pink mood with heart motifs and pink shiny bead piping!
Above is a picture I took a few days ago – the lighting is not good and no its not filtered. Definitely seeing the weight loss in my face, in my opinion.
That’s face yoga for you!
I’d like to show another updated full-length picture of me but people are not patient with me when I need them to shoot me… I mean take my picture so I bought a full-length mirror – now I have to probably wait six months for Paul to put it up on the wall for me so I can shoot myself – I mean do selfies.
The other day I shared a dream about how I want to look and I told you all that I regard it with embarrassment a bit – that’s true, but what I failed to tell you all is that even with that I dither at times.
Most the time I want the platinum/white hair and to dress how I like in rainbows, fluff and pinks – but there is another side of me.
Sometimes, though not often, I want to be the strong looking athletic brunette with a long French plait, good toned arms, but stockier than the image I have about the platinum/white haired version of me. Sometimes in the brunette form I have in my mind, I would wear a crown braid and I would mostly wear black jeans and a white tank top, everything toned.
I like both ideas and I know which one is easier to become, it’s the secondary one. I could never really shape or mould such a muscle dense body such as this into the body shape of the platinum/white haired dream.
However, the brunette version of me I only ever really think about once a week – so I don’t like it as much as I do the platinum/white version I have in mind, also the vampire/dark side in me prefers the brunette.
The purpose of the photo was to show you what I look like and what you think would suit me best?
Why did I mention this? Because today is a brunette day – a big contrast to yesterday where for about half a day I wanted rainbow coloured hair, glittery make up and rainbow dungarees for some weird reason!
I think though it had something to do with the “Who am I” meditation I did, because one thing was clear to me in the meditation – I was the warm sun on a rainy sunny day and what happens on rainy warm sunny days like those? Rainbows…
I felt both dark and light all at once, good and evil all at once and what do you get when you mix dark and light whilst holding crystals in your hand? That’s right… rainbows!
So I am everything or a rainbow… I am still not very sure just of yet!
I didn’t share everything I said I was in my meditation yesterday as a lot I was embarrassed about – such as being a rainbow and other weird things like that!
I very nearly cut out the sex but then I remembered that you all know I am a nympho anyway!
I don’t think I can make up my mind what I want to look like between the two – my sensibilities tells me go with the one I want the most and think about the most and that would be the white/platinum me – but that is the hardest path to tread in moulding my body naturally.
I’ve mentioned before, in my adult life I find it hard to be lighter than 180 pounds because of muscle mass – I used to do weight lifting when I was younger I just can’t get below 180. I gain muscle really fast and it is scary what I will look like if I hit the weights again – I really need one on one advice which I am hoping to start at the end of the month at the local gym.
It seems logical then to go with the secondary choice as I don’t think my body shape once I’ve reached my goal would suit a white/platinum woman in Barbiecore clothing, would it?
Oh I don’t know, this is exactly the reason why I was in the TPE lifestyle (total power exchange), the man in my life makes those decisions for me! LOL
If you have been following my blog for a while now it would be no news to you that a major part of my life is about transition; you know already that I have been on a journey of trying to define myself to my own standards and finding my true self whilst escaping the oppressors of my past who suppressed the real me as an individual.
But did you know that there are some things about me that I still regard with shame or view it as mere stupidity?
As I am advancing in age I am feeling more stupid about wanting certain things for myself, as aren’t I by society’s standards getting a little – well advanced in age for such silly nonsense?
Which such things am I on about exactly?
I am talking a hard swallow right now to admit the truth to you properly, I kind of did it on Twitter on New Year’s Eve but now I am saying it here…
I have never got over a big transition that happened to me as a child, when I was around six years old – literally my whole world and self was turned upside down and I felt I lost my identity in more ways than one!
As you know a large part of my healing is the healing of my inner child and searching really deep in my past and subconscious as to why I have allowed things to control me and dictate to me who I am, rather than being who I really am!
Recently I shared that when I was six years old I was removed from a very large family into isolation and having almost nobody for several years, it got better again around the age of ten to thirteen but mum then removed herself a second time from even more people and then again a third time when I was in my early twenties.
But also at that time, my body changed vastly the child in photographs of 1987 do not reflect the child in the photographs of 1988. I was very thin and small for my age, I had pure white hair almost like angel hair, in fact I was nicknamed The Angel of Burnt Oak because of the pageant I went into as my hair was naturally white and unusual, like angel hair!
Then for some reason in just a few short months my hair got darker and darker and became a medium brown, I started to gain weight, I started to become one of the tallest in class and I felt like I had turned into a monster.
My mum also felt that I had turned into something embarrassing too, she was no longer proud of me and she was my biggest bully during that transition and for most of my childhood because of it, because it shocked her as much as it shocked me!
So many major changes really upset me emotionally and I think it scarred me to this day.
A year later I decided to give up my dream of fashion design and being involved in the fashion industry, a dream I had from the age of four, shattered by the age of seven because my mother told me wrongfully that fat girls can’t be models, especially fat brunettes – that I had to face reality and accept that it’s no longer my path, so ashamed of me she stopped the pageants and karaoke contests.
At the age of eight my weight got worse because I was early to start menses and developed breasts quite quickly after that, rare so young but not unheard of said the doctor. I got worse still when I was ten because I suffered a head injury from my mother which meant my eyesight got damaged as I had astigmatism which nobody knew about and that meant I needed glasses. You have no idea the trauma that I went through with that one; my mum was already begrudging all my other changes – now this!
I just felt like I got uglier and uglier as I got older, is it any wonder I had a nervous breakdown at the age of twelve when I needed residential psychiatric treatment for a few months and developed both bulimia and anorexia for a while?
Anyway, weight came and went, came and went, like a yo-yo, one year fat, one year thin, it never really stabilised until my mid-twenties, then got worse again around thirty three when I got sick.
So what I am delaying saying is… yes, I am forty now, exactly forty – but I want to be who I feel I should be. That is a slim, toned woman with my original angel hair. It’s not bond, people mistake that – it’s white, but it’s the kind of white that looked like it had tinsel in it… if you get me?
Around three years ago I shared these thoughts with Paul, about how I miss that and how I would like to be like that, but it’s stupid to think a woman my age could look like that now and Paul wanted to know why I thought that?
Because it would be like mutton dressed as lamb wouldn’t it? White hair all of a sudden, dressed in my favourite kind of clothes and colours, sort of Barbiecore, Moschino and a bit kawaii or rainbow Goth – I’d look ridiculous wouldn’t I? Especially on the days I wake up and feel more masculine like a regency gentleman or a Beau Brummel dandy?
Though I’d admit, slim and white haired dressed up on a dandy day would make me look like a very neat androgynous version of Lucius Malfoy!
The funny thing is, when I realised why I am uncomfortable in my own skin things changed in my body again. When I admitted I missed the six year old me in looks, I started to get flecks of white in my hair – ok its age, yes I know, I am not stupid – but you have no idea how those little flecks of white made me smile and feel more at home with myself.
What is strange is my appetite has been transitioning back to how I used to be too and I am losing an average of one to three pounds a week ever since.
The more weight I am losing, the more white that is appearing in my hair, the happier I am getting with myself.
I think I will never be happy with my nose and actual face shape, because I want defined cheekbones and an angular sort of face, that’s not going to happen with an inverted triangle like me… but the rest is going to be OK.
A white haired Jessica Rabbit is probably stretching reality too much, but that’s what I really want to be! Ha-ha!
Make all the men go loopy with my French and Italian skills too!
But meh, back to reality, I still have fifty pounds to lose and I am only a third white right now.
But yes, I feel stupid and a little embarrassed sharing this with you all… I don’t know why I should feel that way but there you go… I do.
I still haven’t had news about the braces I am supposed to be getting or the extra filling I need for another tooth, our dentist is over-stretched. I am disappointed as its delaying my goals by several months! I am embarrassed about the lost front tooth so much so it is making me debate whether I am confident or not to show my face on YouTube after all, it’s noticeable but thankfully it’s only a half gap, not a full one because the tooth was kind of sticky out at an angle before it was removed. Other than closing the gap, my teeth are quite nice now.
In the past few weeks I have been letting my nails grow again, but I keep accidentally ripping flesh off myself in my sleep and although I love my nail now – I can’t help but think I am one step away from cutting them short again, because I am just so sore right now!
A home French manicure is my favourite way to have them and having nails means I can effectively play my kalimba again!
Are you a mum who plays foosball with your son and it sets off your old carpal tunnel problem again?
No?
You’re lucky, I envy you!
I unfortunately I am such a mum!
I am sulking and I want to play foosball and I want to play it now! Well, maybe not right now as it’s like 3:30am I am writing this and my son is in bed asleep… got to be reasonable don’t I?
Unfortunately the Christmas junk food has rattled my brain and I have no idea what to write for today’s post so I thought of the first thing that came into my head!
Now for the second thing that came into my head – this high protein diet is making my hair and nails grow faster than normal, in literally only six days my nails has grown as much as they would in three weeks! It’s so weird… I am not used to it, I am literally scratching my body to pieces as I am not used to it and typing is becoming fun and slippy…
I have gone through bouts of growing my nails before in the past, but it takes weeks, shocked they are this long and it’s been days!
I hope I don’t have a bout of anxiety, or they will go… though I am biting less and less these days since I have discovered a healthy obsession for solitaire card games and practising tarot.
Henry wants me to start painting them as they are nice and long-ish for me, but I won’t because I don’t like it. I prefer the French manicure look, personally, unfortunately I haven’t a clue whether those cuticles should be left alone or not. I believe they should be, as it is painful to do what my mother always taught me to, pushing them back after a soak in the bath and my skin is so sensitive the skin often splits under the pressure!
I am happy to say that my hair growth is getting better again too, the alopecia is almost growing out, unfortunately it makes me look a bit untamed in one area, but there is no bald patch anymore or fuzz, in fact there is now four inches of growth there – but as the rest of my hair is past shoulder length, it is noticeable a little and can stick up like an aerial or something if I don’t wax it down.
Today I wanted to post a pic of myself on Instagram but I refrained because I forgot how swollen I am because I was gifted chocolate that contained soy as a Christmas present and that means I am a whole dress size bigger with the swelling it causes. I am half thinking about either suffering it till it’s all gone as I love that chocolate, or just be grown up and give it to my son instead, so the swelling goes down again in three days?
My face swells making me look about fifty pounds heavier than I actually am whenever I eat soy or mustard, as well as my spleen and abdomen, it’s weird how it can happen in such a short space of time. There are times I absent-mindedly eat soy and the effects work within ten minutes and by thirty minutes I have to change out of my clothes because it all cuts into me and sometimes actually makes me bleed if I ignore it too long!
It’s like I’ve turned into a hulk woman or something… only less green…. Though saying that, sometimes I physically become sick over it all!
I have strict and painful rules from January, if I know there is soy or mustard in something I am not going to have it anymore, not even as a one off and that’s going to be so hard for me!
I love Heinz salad cream, I love Dijon mustard with sausages, I love Chinese food, I love nutty chocolates like Peanut M+Ms and Ferrero Roche and Nutella, oh my goodness do I have an absolute passion for Nutella!
I want a food scientist to make Dijon mustard without mustard…
I want Nutella without soy and Heinz Salad cream without mustard but taste authentically the same!
I feel a near Verruca Salt type tantrum coming on in fact…
“Don’t care how, I want it now”!
Trying to remind myself it is probably healthier this way, but it’s no comfort!
My idea of comfort is eating roast potatoes with ham, boiled egg and cheddar cheese with a hugely packed salad and doused in a tablespoon of Heinz Salad Cream, that’s comfort.
Or eating ham salad crusty rolls with the salad cream as a favorited lunch!
Comfort is also crispy crepes covered in Nutella and turned into a wrap with more Nutella on the top and a sprinkling of sliced almonds, icing sugar snow and whipped cream on the side.
Or trying to catch peanut M+Ms with your mouth annoying anyone sitting near you with being pelleted by the failures!
I haven’t done that in years…
It is also fudge and donuts too… yes for some weird reason they have soy in them as well!
Did I mention the washing machine broke down a few days before Christmas? We’re having to wash the clothes by hand like old Victorian washer women for about a month, as we can’t get one delivered until around the 17th January and that’s being bought on credit.
Such fun…
Paul confused me the other day, so I spent more than we could afford on non-credited gifts for Henry as he wasn’t clear, which made us slightly overdrawn – Paul doesn’t take responsibility for that, totally blames me, but he was the one who wasn’t clear. He was the one that made it sound like two things were already paid but in fact it was only one! Coincidentally this has meant that for two weeks I have no personal allowance, until the overdraft is paid back – which means my business plan on WordPress is delayed in the next payment and my gym membership has to be delayed by a month too.
Something similar happened once before a few years back, just as I planned to be constructive with our finances… my mother was the same, I am wondering if it’s not at all accidental if you get me?
That’s the thing with me, you talk in numbers I am easily muddled so you have to be clear with me, if you give me several numbers I get confused so it’s easy to mess with my head and make me feel like a fool and give me any old gibberish you like to be in the clear of any faults – it’s easy to take advantage of someone who isn’t very smart!
I think the delay is part of Paul being worried I am trying to knock weight off and find my inner vanity again, because I’d like to start dating around Easter time, maybe sooner if someone asks. Because I was told that I could potentially achieve my weight loss goal a month earlier than I thought with gymophobics if I maintained my protein diet as well.
I am joining the gym because I need support learning how to slim and tone down my upper arms because they are stubborn and I tend to bulk too much there, so I want to know what I am doing wrong! I don’t want 15 inch biceps, you know? No matter how tones they are! Well mine aren’t just saying…
I tried non weighted exercises at home with videos from YouTube, but still I am bulking – I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope I am not genetically made to look like a female boxer! To be honest, though I haven’t exercised since the end of the first week of December because of a chest infection, but I am getting better!
I already have what my grandmother referred to as hockey legs; don’t want boxer arms to go with that!
Though to be fair I’d rather be a muscular healthy woman than a big lardy one like I am now!
Because if I wear my scruffs, a thick woolly sweater and jeans and someone calls me fat in McDonalds I can do what I used to do in my early twenties, take the sweater off and fold it up looking at them in the eye, in my camisole and see them go white with how toned I am. They soon apologise and try to explain themselves usually self detrimentally!
I used to do weight lifting in my early twenties – but as I said, I don’t want to be bulky now. Back then I wanted to be like the pro-wrestler Chyna! She was my pin up idol, amongst Diana Dors, Kathleen Turner, Glen Close and Reggie Bennett… in fact my body is a little like the latter at the moment lol!
Just a little less toned and my waist is actually narrower or as Paul would say, more defined!
Seriously it’s just eight months of hard work that’s all I need for my idea of a perfect body!
Shame about my face and remember, the dentist hasn’t got back to me about those braces I wanted, because I have a tooth missing and there is a half gap, because it was a sticky out tooth that got damaged to its root. The braces will just close the gap after six months and my teeth are pretty much ok then.
I need to professionally dye my hair too as I am going white lol, it’s a trait in my family; we tend to be pure white by fifty!
Or do I embrace the natural change and pretend to be natural platinum eventually? Lol Because it really looks like I am going to be snow white all over, not the horrible grey some people go.
I used to have snow white platinum hair from baby to around six of seven years old, then for some reason I became brunette!
I was nicknamed The Angel of Burnt Oak and won local pageants and things.
I have a bit of a Barbiecore leaning, so perhaps I should wear it with pride? Don’t know!
With what I regard my waist being my best feature as well as my eyes and lips, I think I could eventually tone myself to be a nice Barbie doll, alright forget the age thing… I am sure I could manage it… lol… I am going to try!
Stupid probably… but… I’ll try!
Probably over optimistic, but I won’t know unless I try!
I have green eyes which makes me more special than Barbie as they are rarer!
On the one hand, I am a hippy nature’s child running bare foot in the garden catching frogs, collecting snail shells and taking home pretty pebbles and rocks from the woodlands on my walks and making leaf nests and mud pies with children; then on the other hand I am spellbound by shinies, fluffies, heady scents and glamour!
Since I was very small I have struggled with who I want to be – which one do I want to be… sugar and spice and all things nice Elizabeth Taylor… or up to my knees in mud with autumn leaves in my hair in dungarees Elle Mae Clampett?
All my life I have had people say to me unless I can make that decision, people will always think I have a split personality and mental problems and nobody is going to take me seriously either way! I have to make a decision… I never could.
As I am getting older I am trying to define myself and narrow myself down, but these two basic personalities in me just can’t be cut away…
They are both too prominent, but I have to say Sugar and Spice is more neglected than the Natures child in me, because I never had anyone teach me how to wear makeup and style the hair appropriately. I know how to spruce myself up nice when I need to, but I tend not to wear makeup unless I get offered one of those free make overs at a cosmetics store, which I used to go to often when I was on the dating scene.
So there are a few people in the world who doesn’t know that side of me.
I have to admit, that side of me is filled with guilt and shame, because nobody likes a vain person – nobody likes a show off! Well not in the circles I’ve ran in.
I used to tell people, I don’t do it to show off, I do it to feel nice and happy in myself – but the kind of people I knew didn’t think I was telling the truth, they thought that I thought I was better than them! I never did and never do – because quite personally, I think I am hideous!
The only thing that is ever going to change my mind about how pretty I am or not, is being on the front page of a big fashion magazine without any criticism headlined and that’s probably never going to happen!
Out of all the major Hollywood stars I saw on TV and in magazines growing up, the one that impressed me the most with her regality and beauty was Elizabeth Taylor and every Christmas on my present wish list is always at least one perfume from her brand, which I tend to get!
I look at stars today on TV and I wonder what has happened? What has happened to the traditional glamourous woman? There are less than ten major celebrity women that impress me these days and the one that impresses me the most is Lady Gaga, as she knows what real traditional glamour is!
Paul used to say I scare him, because when I become an author he is sure I’d be a best-seller and he is sure I am going to need to be like Roseanne Barr, where I have to buy a house just to store my clothes!
Does he actually know how little authors get?
I don’t think I will be that excessive, but I can see myself having good quality evening wear where they may need to be stored in a preserving way, like museum pieces.
But despite how much I love glitz and glamour, I find it morally difficult to justify the expense and this is where I have a lot of inner conflict!
I have a tremendous guilt conscience about money and being thought of as better than someone else – because it’s not me… I am nice, I don’t brag, I hate hurting people’s feelings, I genuinely care for people who I think are less fortunate and it hurts me to think that they often think so little of me in return.
Because I have never always been this poor, I have said it in the past and it is true!
My grandmother comes from traditional aristocratic stock, she never liked how much I love costume jewellery, because to her, it is cheap tack – but to me, I liked how they shine and look – to me it’s not the cost it’s the look!
She never under understood that for me it is aesthetic not saleability when family falls on hard times!
She always said when you get the money, buy lots of high value gold and keep it in store as you never know when you will need it for a hard time!
I collected a lot of junk in her opinion over the years and many of which I gave away to charity about four or five years ago as I felt I will never be well enough to ever spruce myself up again. In fact, up until late last year, I really thought I’d be dead by 45 as I was getting sicker.
But I am getting a little better, though I am going through a health blip right now with a chest infection – it’s not as bad as it used to be!
I started talking about this subject because I found something I thought I had thrown away a long time ago, it was hiding in the back of a rarely opened drawer – a massive fake diamond ring, made of plastic but it’s on a cheap silver base and I mean it is massive! It’s larger than a postage stamp.
I wore it today and I felt very nostalgic and kind of sad.
I looked in the mirror whilst wearing it and that was a big mistake… instant fallen from grace feeling – I don’t often eat my feelings unless I am angry, as I am an angry eater… but today I ate my feelings of sadness with a mince pie and felt instant regret and shame.
Tried to cheer myself up with “Well it is Christmas”!
Didn’t work, sat my buns down on the bed, typing this up and hoping this time next year, I’d had reached my weight goal and I had reached my self-employment goal and I would feel a little like the old me again!
But who knows, maybe I’d have pulled my finger out and got a best-seller and got this weird 100k deal Paul imagines I’ll get!
Lol, yeah right…
So why do I hate talking about this sort of thing? Because I have lived a very good life in the past and when people know you have money, the vultures come out or the people who hate you and guilt trip you into their sad stories or force you to believe that it is your duty as a wealthy person to donate 75% of your money!
Not a lot of people will actually listen to well off people, about discrimination – because they sarcastically say “aw yeah, poor little rich girl”, so I have been made to feel ashamed of having better and it is hard not to feel guilt when talking about these things! Especially since a lot of my former social circles have abandoned me and I am quite literally alone in the world, without people who understands me and my side of the coin!
But in my experience, aristocrats and the wealthy are more discriminated than other types of people, but we can’t voice it, because nobody can believe we have a hard life too and most think, we deserve the shit we get! But it’s all just spiteful jealousy.
Well I am like you now… good laugh isn’t it, bet you feel great about it, one less rich bitch to worry about?
It’s hard not to be bitter about this sort of thing!
Today I wished I had the stuff I need to wear cosmetics and dress up real nice – I don’t know why but today I woke up thinking, you know what? I want to be a glamour queen today!
Instead however, because it’s Sunday and nobody is doing anything, I am just in scruffy lounge wear, wearing baggy pink fluffy cardigans and looking like I have just woke up – cuddling my cardigan to myself and wishing I had a different life!
Eating beef stew and a side of string beans, drinking a chocolate protein shake and wondering if that’s all I am having today? It seems likely actually – I am not gaining any appetite and it’s been like this for weeks now!
Barely having more than 1200 calories on a good day – not good, not good at all!
However, I am flattening up a lot in the tummy area despite being disappointed by my triceps – I am very self-conscious about those actually… but I am trying my hardest to figure things out!
Still sticking to the two a day green tea with cinnamon and turmeric idea and freezing myself a bit to see if it all works – but it’s tough sitting around in the cold, when I like to be snug and warm and live in the temperature fit for a dragon!
I just need to think in a different dragon kind of way… an ice dragon… lol
I was raised in a household that from November the thermostat is permanently on 30c that’s 86F – since living with Paul our thermostat is set at 21.5c which is 70.7F and to me that’s always made the house too cold for me – but I am getting used to it. My mum would always have windows opened with the thermostat that high too – totally insane, she was not the worst in the family – my maternal grandma was crazy enough to have the heating on in the height of summer!
So, is there any wonder then that Paul sees me as some kind of pampered fire dragon?
Though to be honest I hate it when it’s hotter than 24c/75f but I definitely hate it when it’s cooler than 21.5c/70.7f too!
All day long I have had this song stuck in my head “catch a falling star” by Perry Como – such a pretty song and I keep getting art ideas for it, but I don’t have supplies to make it and the art table is being used for something else these days which makes just doing art at random a chore, because I need to clear up for twenty minutes before I can do it – that also means move stuff from around the table, just so I can access it!
Going to be quiet from the 30TH November to potentially the 3rd December, because I have to be the one to sort the house out so we can have Christmas decorations up – if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done and there is a chance this house won’t have decorations at Christmas if I don’t!
Every year when I have to do this, I tend to get ill during or after I have finished the decorating because of the amount of dust that gets into the air with the old decorations and moving furniture around – because nobody helps me keep on top of things here! I have a severe dust allergy and often get chest infections around this time!
To boot, I have a bruised ankle and it hurts when I walk on it.
Paul puts the decorations away every year, but I have to put them up – this means that no decorations are cleaned before putting away, like they would have been if I had put them away – but sometimes the chest infection is so bad I am off my feet until late January!
I grew up resenting anyone who was a teenager or an adult during the 80s and early 90s because in my opinion, that was a cool time to be a teenager or an adult in!
I know a lot of people look back in the 80s with disdain for the fashion and hairstyles, but you know what? I thought and still do think that it was a cool time for fashion! Except for maybe shoulder pads… but everything else I loved!
Particularly the music!
I love the Eurhythmics
Bon Jovi
Queen
Meatloaf
Duran Duran
The Madness
And a whole bunch of others!
I even found most of the fantasy and horror movies were much better then, but then again a lot of people think I like crap – so, whatever…
What’s more is I love garish colour and vocally, I suppose I am a bit outdated as I still spout the words “Cool” and “aw man” and others… I can’t get into all this new stuff where saying “sick” means great – to me, well, you don’t wanna know what sick means to me!
This is another reason why I have confined myself to the bedroom recently – Henry is tired of my retro to the 80s playlist.
Ho hum.
Professional wrestling was at its greatest too!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the 80s so I could go to several wrestling events and go to the music concerts of all the above!
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