I walk through your dream world
Though you see me not
I am hidden by the forces that want to keep you from your lot
I try and try to tell you
That you are not alone
But I can’t seem to reach you
To try and bring you home
I walk through your dream world
Though you see me not
I am hidden by the forces that want to keep you from your lot
I try and try to tell you
That you are not alone
But I can’t seem to reach you
To try and bring you home
I have many projects on the go at once and so this category will get full quite quickly!
I tend to concentrate on up to three ideas at a time for bursts of up to one month, but I do still add to other projects outside of this. I have a huge amount of unfinished ideas and some that are finished but are in storage for a later date when I will read them again with fresh eyes and determine if they need altering or not!
If a project is marked down as 1.2 or something like that, this means that this project is part of a series I am working on, I have some series I am working on but generally I prefer writing standalones.
My vampires are considered both series and standalones, because some vampire ideas are far removed from my main series or rather saga idea in the first place.
I am updating my categories along with my diary entries for Wednesdays that will start back up again, because I am determined to show people how much I do actually work towards my creativity, regardless of finished products!
To me it is lovely to have a final finished product that I can show an agent eventually, but right now that is neither my primary goal nor motivation!
My goal is to get into the swing of writing full-time – a set amount of words daily to a fixed project in order for me to feel like a real professional author. To me that goal is to have one project that has had at least 3k words added per day consistently and not to write just a little each day to many projects. Though added words per day to many projects is something I will never get out of, it is the focus on one particular project having 3k words per day that is my intended focus!
If you follow my drift?
I am exceedingly tired today so I may not make that much sense, because I didn’t sleep until 5am and I only had four hours of disturbed sleep and no access to caffeine for the past thirty hours!
So to break it down, my primary goal is to focus on adding 3k words to one story per day until it is finished without breaking that streak! Once I manage to do this and finish a novel without breaking my daily streak, then I will feel like a professional author!
Though if I never accomplish that, do not fear – because this is has no basis on whether or not I approach an agent or a publisher first, no, no, no! I will still do that, but I will not feel confident in my professionalism that is all!
Another thing that will add to me feeling professional will be the day I am actually writing 3k words to a project in an unbroken streak and also editing another finished project by at least three chapters per day – I am serious when I say I am trying to become full-time here!
Before the 11th November 2021 I would work approximately six hours per week towards my writing, that wasn’t my blog! Since November 11th 2021, I am now writing or working towards my projects approximately four hours per day, broken up, so it is not full-time yet, to me!
I am forcing myself to do this, even when bed bound sick, I am taking work with me on the laptop in bed and with handwritten notes too!
I am determined to do this!
I think it is because my brain is so filled with so many ideas and unfinished projects that it is starting to taunt me, make me crazy a bit – so I need to get on with it!
I actually had a dream last night that various characters from my own stories were mocking and laughing at me because of my excuses, this was weird shit and I just don’t have time for that kind of thing in my dream time!
By and large this post was meant to tell you that I have so many ideas on the go and I do not struggle for ideas at all – but I am beating them off with a stick and I would like to share what those stories may contain without giving too much away!
If you find an idea you like, let me know, it will really help to motivate me more to write it, if I feel someone out there likes the sound of it!
I will write it anyway, but at a slower pace, you have no idea how fast I can work when I feel like someone is waiting for it or there is a deadline set by someone outside of myself!
Honestly, I am a workaholic, especially if I know that my work pleases another!
I know I sound needy right now, but I am being honest, I work best when other people’s expectations are higher than my own regarding my work, I am like this in everything in my life!
As I think I have mentioned before, I live for others, I don’t live for myself!
Happy reading everyone!
“I don’t think I really want to wait for NaNoWriMo to start this new story idea, but would it be considered cheating if I started this early?”
This was posted on my twitter @CreativeTardy yesterday and I can only imagine my friends sitting there staring at their screens in disbelief shouting “oh, for fucks sake, just start, will you!”
Well, you see, I have never been one for breaking the rules… well… certain rules.
“Bloody Hell, what rules? Fuck rules! Just get on with it, creativity has no blooming rules”!
OK, tone down the language please. No these are not real actual replies on twitter… but, I do know there are friends who talk like this to me from time to time in private.
I frustrate them no end, I can see that it takes a lot for the poor dears not to slap me one when I get like this!
Usually I plan my stories a little. I have certain ideas about what I would like to include in the story and the types of characters even if I have no idea of the direction of the book, I usually have some sort of idea about some of the future of the story before I write it – sometimes I don’t know how the stories end, sometimes I don’t know the middle but I know its beginning and end. I don’t usually pants it, as the NaNoWriMo vernacular goes, I am or was a planner.
I am thinking this new story idea called Dragon 2 will be totally and completely pantsed, but I am fighting against it at the same time.
I am, in my personal life, a little bit of a control freak – I don’t like micromanaging people, I am not that type of control freak, but I like things organised and simplified in my own personal life and I don’t like surprises! I am prone to panic attacks when surprises jump out at me, my brother often described me to his friends as the “rabbit in headlights”. I am the sort of annoying person who always asks for reassurance and a reminder of what to expect at certain events and so on and Paul has a lot of patience with me as he tells me for the fifth time that day that it will assuredly be such and such. I am only like this in certain things, not everything. I am not constantly like this throughout my life, just things that could potentially… terrify me.
Funnily enough, I am not somebody who suffers from stage fright or being surrounded by large groups of people, especially people I know even a little bit. I am not like that. I am more likely to be jittery around small circles of people I hardly know or never met and I am more likely to be this way around my birthday, Christmas, parties hosted by other people I don’t know well or anything regarding health… occasionally I can be like this when food shopping, I don’t like being around small groups of strangers alone, at all.
Never really understood why – but Paul reckons it has a lot to do with things that have happened in my past with my mother. My mother is usually antagonistic with strangers especially if she feels there are no witnesses to dispute what happened! She often dragged me along with her for whatever ride she hoped to have from the event she caused.
I like to be organised – artist friends are astounded at how neat my areas are when they used to visit, how as I painted I would wipe up spills and go back and forth from the kitchen cleaning the water jars I used as I did my work.
Reader friends who note my bookshelves look twice at my shelves and cannot believe that my books are in genre and alphabetical order and that I had at the time eleven bookcases around the house, now I have twelve.
I also have around thirty box files all with different genre story ideas, poems, research files etc., those are not in order at the moment because I am struggling for space and that is damaging my mental health no end, the torment knowing that those are not in order when everything else is – it makes my writing work very hard!
They mostly reside on the upstairs landing balancing on our very wide bannister at the top, that acts like a half wall and guests who use our bathroom sometimes sheepishly quiz us on why there is a box marked vampires and another marked dragons by the bathroom door?
One such visitor joked that they thought perhaps I was some kind of cryptozoologist as a secret life.
No, but it would be interesting…
I know I was a pantser before 2006, but I was told that planning is key, strangely enough my writing habits have been declining slowly ever since! So I became a planner, I know being a pantser should be as easy as it was in the past, but I don’t really know anymore.
Anyway, back to the NaNoWriMo story – I would like to start in a few days’ time, but at the moment I am trying to decide whether I should plan the characters and some of the scenes now or let it flow naturally?
Paul suggests naturally – but I have never worked that way before… I have had a lot of dreams regarding this book; a lot of the dreams suggest it will be very successful if only…
I used to look forward to going into dream time because it was a respite from the harsh realities I have to live with; but in recent months, sometimes my dreams are worse than reality.
It seems as though everything in dream time is hyped up into showing me my worst fears or accentuating my deepest worries into something more sinister.
I used to have nightmares like this all the time right up until I was 19, then they faded until only last summer.
Usually the dreams would be symbolic to the problems I was facing in real life, these days, those very problems are very clear and prominent in dream time, and they are no longer hiding in the facades of monsters and giant aggressive animals like when I was a child. They are for what they are, the people I have the problems with and with the exact concerns I have cropping up into my dream time every single night.
There doesn’t seem to be a safety place anymore, it is gone, dream time was my safe place and it’s betrayed me.
Only last night I dreamt that a person I have problems with in real life, was there, we moved house, but a worse neighbour was waiting for me at that new house, so we decided to move back to our old house. So, it seemed in this dream that whenever we tried to go back to the less worse problem we would arrive at a cul-de-sac where worse problems and scenarios were turning up to ruin my plans. Every movement made the whole thing worse at every turn.
Though we are planning to move house when the money to do so comes, we are still keeping the house in a trust for Henry my son. Henry wants to keep this house in the family, because it has been a part of his father’s family for 64yrs and Henry loves his ancestry and is currently doing a big project at home about his family tree to show his school at the end of the year. This project was not prompted by his school; this is just something Henry wants to do.
One thing is clear though, I no longer feel there is privacy or safety within my own home anymore; especially when the neighbour causing problems is leaving ladders out in the front garden overnight and won’t listen to Paul when he suggests that maybe not a safe thing to do?
What makes it a whole lot worse is I had insomnia before he became a problem, now I just fear to sleep at all now, hence why I do nothing anymore, no energy!
I had the notion that I didn’t want to put too much non-fiction in my blog and I really didn’t intend for as much poetry that I have either; it was supposed to be focusing on little snippets of practise writing and short stories of a fantasy theme only, well since the blog has started that hasn’t been the case has it? So, I decided last night that it doesn’t matter what I post on my blog anymore, people love it for what it is and therefore there will be more posts coming in the future; particularly of new and different from current themes. I have many interests in life other than writing and some of those things include writing, but they are usually personal snippets or parts of my personal diaries, thoughts, hopes and dream journals and that sort of thing.
So the blog may become a more active place that will include themes of positivity, spirituality, dreams, research papers and so forth. A lot of the research papers will include mythologies from around the world and superstitions, as well as historical research.
Other than writing, my other hobbies include watercolour painting, wildlife photography, and organic/no-dig gardening (on good days), puzzles, word games, hypothetical discussions with people, reading, knitting, cosmic ordering and studying cultures, superstitions, mythologies and personal genealogy. I also love learning languages and how they developed, the history of certain words and allergen free lifestyles.
So the future of this blog could be random, who knows? But I have decided to write whatever I fancy and share it, because I want to be a more active writer that actually proves I really am an active writer!
I keep a lot of stuff I write to myself. Little snippets about a person enjoying an apple, or peacefully sewing fat quarters to make a quilt, or sitting in a meadow watching clouds fly by; to things I have watched on television and have an opinion about, books I have read and how I felt about them and simple little daydreams of things I would love to do, but realistically may never do. I have often thought about writing a book purely based on my daydreaming adventures and I did call this idea “The wandering in my mind” book. But I have thought, the wandering in my mind could become blog posts called “The Wandering in my mind adventures part 1” and so on. This idea is not a new one, I have had it since I was a teenager and it is not wholly new on this blog either. I just didn’t take it as seriously for online media as much as I do now.
So yes, I think I will start that today. The wandering in my mind adventures part one will be posted later on this evening.
I must warn you, it is always random and there are thousands of situations and people I imagine most of the time. Living such an isolated life, sometimes the only way I can feel alive is by deep and long daydreaming sessions.
A sample of what you can expect would be…
Me mingling with vampires at a palace court, usually the same characters as I have built a sort of relationship with them in my mind.
Me wandering through various landscapes and coming across various wonderful plants and animals or situations;
Floating through space and seeing amazing things there.
Arguing with people about certain subjects and giving my side of the argument in full – these are fictional arguments that usually have a real life basis to them, such as climate change, current affairs, certain things going on worldwide, but there will always be a fantasy or horror twist to these daydreams. For example, a few months ago, I personally demanded that the universe repairs Notre Dame immediately and proclaim a miracle, because it was a place I always wanted to see and the story of the Hunchback of Notre Dame always made me cry; particularly now he is homeless in my mind and all those poor little gargoyles.
I also travel in time arguing with Henry the VIII about various things and personally beating ten bells out of the Emperor Nero for what he did to Poppaea.
In other daydreams I am a whole new character in other writer’s books, where I am the personal pet owner of a Bandersnatch and a tyrannical next door neighbour to the Queen of Hearts, whilst eating jam sandwiches with the Duchess in the veranda of my garden, shouting insults over the rose bushes that divide our lands.
As I said the other day, it is scary in my mind.
I apologise for not posting my word prompts before noon, I got a little too excited today with a delivery I had of a new musical instrument I am attempting to play – something I can hear on bad days and doesn’t require difficult fingering for my left hand – a recorder.
I have always been musically inclined, since a small child I would visit my grandmother and play on her piano in her dining room whilst she prepared lunch, we often visited her on Sundays, usually just my dad and I. I would play all the notes and eventually started to learn some tunes by ear. I never learned to read music even now I have never learned to read and understand music fully or professionally or with professional help.
The piano was my first attempt at music, always perfect righthandedly and terrible with my left hand due to my disability. When I was around seven years old my dad talked mum into buying me a keyboard so I can practise at home whenever I liked and ever since my house has never been without a keyboard in it. I have never personally owned a piano and I never learned to use a pianos foot pedals or learn the proper terminologies for anything regarding music, except for one word I learned listening to classic FM radio as a teenager = Adagio means to play slowly.
I was then upgraded to a more professional style keyboard aged seventeen as a birthday present, this had digitisation to it (I think that’s what people call it), where I could hook up the keyboard to the internet and download new songs to learn, because this particular keyboard had a function where it taught you how to place your hands and how to keep time. When I was about nineteen my brother gave me an old copy of Cubase that a friend of his owned and I learned I could compose music by using this, without ever knowing how to actually write the music. I had saved the music I composed onto an MP3 floppy disk and I still have it to this day and the keyboard too actually! Unfortunately that Cubase I had is years out of date and I have never been able to finance a replacement, so until I can replace Cubase, my composing days are over!
Pianos and keyboards were never my only dip into the music world; I have in fact learned to play a paper and comb, some notes on a harmonica, belly dancing cymbals, some tunes on my dad’s bugle, an xylophone at a day centre for children when I was around thirteen, some notes on a guitar but again my left hand failed me and I never did get around to replacing my guitar with a left handed version, I also played quite well an accordion, but my parents sold it at a car boot sale once, they claimed they were having a hard time and I never did get it back, I was doing better on that than the keyboard and I had rather of given up the keyboard instead. The fact I did better with an accordion stands to reason as it was a right handed instrument and the fingers I needed on my left hand could do the job properly.
I haven’t played music for nearly six years because I was ill, but also because the house got a little too crowded and messy and I couldn’t set up my keyboard in a permanent position anymore; afraid it would get damaged I had it boxed up and stored safely under the bed in the spare room and I feel that a neglected and unplayed musical instrument is sacrilege.
Funnily enough my depression started around the same time I boxed up the keyboard. I came to this realisation a few days ago but I knew my left hand is worse these days and I can’t improve my left handed playing at all now. I nearly got into a deeper form of depression with this realisation but then I watched a YouTube video to stop the negative thoughts in their tracks, I stumbled across a TedTalk by a woman named Barbara Sher and the title of the video was “Isolation is the dream-killer”; I have been thinking so much about how isolated I am despite my battle to escape from it because of the struggles I had with certain people in my life a few years ago. I thought maybe loneliness was one of the main reasons I am depressed, how can I be sure it is missing a musical instrument?
Well anyway, here is a link to see the video for yourselves – https://youtu.be/H2rG4Dg6xyI
She put out a question that I had to think about for myself and that is “What is your dream and what are your obstacle/obstacles”?
My first thought I don’t exactly remember, but I do remember that I had several dreams I have that are still unaccomplished and most of the those dreams boil down to financial insecurity where I have to think twice about buying a bottle of Pepsi and of course, isolation.
I browsed a book by my bedside, I think it was called “The Little Book of Wonder” and the lady who had written it said that you have to remain curious throughout your life, if you don’t know something, don’t shrug and think that it doesn’t matter and it isn’t important, if you had that question in your head, go and find the answer as it might lead you into an entirely different path in life.
So I absorbed those words and thought about stuff and then I browsed more YouTube videos and I found a doctor of psychology called Guy Winch in another TedTalk; He said that loneliness can knock significant number of years off our life and cause us to become ill, it can affect our immune system greatly because our emotional wellbeing determines whether we are healthy or not. This explained a lot to me, because since living in my own home with my husband and having a baby I have ironically became more isolated than I ever was before I left my parents’ house (ironic because my main form of abuse and neglect was social isolation growing up, even as an adult it was very coercive and controlling the relationship between my mother and I). But because I had a baby and fell ill just a few weeks shy from his third birthday, I became drastically isolated after being free from true isolation for nearly three years! In fact for the first eight months of my illness I couldn’t get out of bed to go and talk to a doctor about what was wrong!
It was around this time I decided to never talk to my parents again too, so the only guaranteed socialising I could have done when I became sick, I cut off. I was getting five or more phone calls per day from my mum and once a week visits that lasted six hours a time, to having no phone calls with anyone and only annual visits from my adult nephews, to then having just the annual visits ONLY for the next six years.
That isn’t good for anybody!
So I had a long hard look at my life and realised that depression and loneliness is killing me, literally. It must be, because around six years ago I was diagnosed with a handful of different types of auto-immunity diseases and recently doctors are suspecting MS and/or neurological problems as well.
One thing I have always been frightened of is Motor-Neurone disease, it runs rife on my dad’s side of the family and my dad’s family as a whole are very close within family, extensive family (we still talk to our cousins four times removed) but don’t socialise much outside of family and church friends or salvation army duties.
I wondered if illness due to isolation or loneliness could be genetic on my father’s side.
Anyway, Dr Guy Winch’s video can be found here – https://youtu.be/F2hc2FLOdhI
Worrying about being isolated, too sick to socialise and the expense of joining college or a social club (because I have to rely on public transport), I asked some questions to the universe. I asked the universe what you want me to do? What do I have to do to change things being there are more obstacles for me than anyone else I know? I got no answers.
Then I asked the universe that if my life was supposed to be to help motivate others, or be as creative as I can be in all creative interests I have then send me money somehow – if my life isn’t meant to be like this, then make something else happen to blatantly show me what it is I was made to do!
So, knowing that money doesn’t just fall onto the doorstep when you implore the universe to give it to you – I tried to make receiving it easy. I decided to (and this is no exaggeration) I decided to take a risk, I had just £15 left for my own personal treats (not the families, my own, I get around £40 a month just for me it is Paul’s rule that I treat myself each month) – I took that £15 and I spent it on 888ladies.com and I won £200, for me that is like winning 5k, I was so happy it paid off my overdraft and I could have a little to spend on a new bra and some new trousers as my clothes are getting too big on me lately. But I thought that doesn’t change anything; it just helps my current situation without improving it so I took another risk – I said the universe, if I am supposed to learn a musical instrument and buy art supplies I will need this again or a bit more please. So I rolled the slots again and I instantly won another £250 that is enough I thought, that is enough to get some art supplies and buy a cheap instrument – but I didn’t know what instrument to get?
This made me very happy and I decided to “Be Curious” as the book said earlier that night.
I asked myself some questions.
What does all these musical instruments I hear on the BBC Proms sound like as solo instruments? I didn’t know a majority of them singularly. So I again, went onto YouTube and I searched through every musical instrument I could think of to find solo samples.
I made a list of my favourite sounds.
An apprehension engine
There were others but I don’t remember them.
Then I asked…
What musical instrument can I learn that has limited mobility to the hand?
Perhaps go back to the accordion and this time learn to read music?
A recorder doesn’t require the left pinkie to play.
A xylophone – crystallaphone or a glockenspiel
I then thought about the types of classical music I love the most and I know that I love folk, medieval and baroque above all others!
So I decided on the recorder first and foremost and eventually the glockenspiel.
So I bought this recorder for me and Henry (because whenever I do something new Henry nags us to get him the same so he can share practise time with me, which is sweet and expensive sometimes)!
It was pretty cheap £16.37 each from Amazon.co.uk
It is a Yamaha YRS302BIII Soprano, plastic. When I had decided it would be the recorder I discovered a wonderful lady on YouTube called Sarah Jeffrey who teaches you practically everything about being a recorder player, she is very enthusiastic and passionate about the instrument and makes learning about it fun!
She can be found here, this is the first lesson https://youtu.be/-d6uVjIEkMY
Until I found her videos I never knew how many different types of recorders there are and that they can all be played the same way, because they are the same instrument. Different woods and plastic and lengths can make different sounds. A true and passionate recorder player will have a large collection of different recorders to choose from. I am getting a baroque alto before Christmas as I am taking to this instrument remarkably and yes, I am trying to learn how to read music now.
I have practised for three hours today and I am very tired now. I know it is likely I will have two months a year off from practise because I am prone to very nasty chest infections in the winter that usually always lead to pneumonia for some reason.
So, there you have it. The reason behind why I was late today.
Let me know in the comments below whether or not you are also musically inclined and share with me what you play and what you are passionate about, I would love to know!
When will the Pegasus fly again?
When will my heart mend?
Out to the highest cloud I spread my wings and call aloud
IS ANYBODY THERE FOR ME?
IF SO, LET ME HAVE A TASTE OF GLEE
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“May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring