I am a very sentimental person and this is something that people have tried to get out of me, sentimentality is not respected in the world or rather the societies I was raised in.
My mother had always tried to force that sort of thing out of me, by forcing me to get rid of a third of my stuff every three months so I never grew attachments to anything!
When a person dies in the family, people have to fight for things like photographs and things of sentimental value, because other members of the family will just get a skip (a hired dumpster) and throw things away – yes – even photos!
What things I had managed to keep over the test of time and hid from my mother, I still have and I know it sounds lame, but I am never getting rid of those things – including the fifteen soft toys I have managed to keep, because it was a huge fight for many years to keep them and I had to be tactical about it!
Over the years I have been gifted small things by people who have since died and I am not happy about leaving things like that behind or throwing them away either and I am paranoid about them breaking when I move out of Paul’s!
I don’t have many things, probably enough to fit in a suitcase or two, but they have a lot of memories for me.
A little book ornament my grandma bought me with a rose on it for my birthday – that meant a lot to me because, I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead or anything, but my maternal grandma was a known miser and rarely got gifts for anyone – especially something like this, especially something personalised!
So the fact I got a personalised ornament with a gold engraving on it, means a lot to me, because nobody else has ever got such a valuable gift from her before! I mean, it’s not expensive, but it’s not a simple chocolate box like she normally gave her adult grandchildren, you know?
It tells me that although she was never vocal about how she felt about me, she knew we had a special bond in comparison to everyone else, because she let me live with her a lot as I was growing up and we spent a lot of time together alone and shared the same hobbies! I was also the only descendant she had who trusted her stories of our ancestry and who would listen to her little quips of gypsy magic etc; whereas everyone else rolled their eyes up and was like “whatever”.
I have some soft toys which mean a lot to me too, unfortunately a couple of them have got lost in the pack rat mess of Pauls here – so I have to try and find them and I hope they are not ruined like a couple of other things have been, which has broken my heart over the years, because Paul has moved somethings of mine temporarily but forgot to put it back!
So, yes, I am transitioning into getting into the mind-set to prepare myself to move out – it won’t be soon – it can’t be for a small number of reasons, but also because I need to start thinking about self-employment on a serious level now, so I can support myself.
I researched online last night with Paul actually about how much I need to try and earn monthly in order to be able to confidently leave him and support myself and I would need £1600 a month if I am to stay within a 3 mile walk of Henry my son, as he won’t be coming with me apparently.
I also will not move out unless I can support a dog in a rentable accommodation that allows a dog that is essential for my sense of personal security!
But for years, before Paul decided he had found someone else, I have not been happy here but just tolerated being here. I have never been happy about the house environment; Paul has different standards than I do about what constitutes good, clean and tidy living!
Paul has come to realise that the house will be very empty when I move out, because I bought most of the furniture and Paul insists anything I have bought, must go with me – whether I want it or not!
I told him don’t be stupid, you won’t have any chairs, any sofa, any bed – what about Henry, you think I am going to take these things from him?
Sometimes he can be very irrational!
He will only have a dining table set when I leave and a bedframe for himself, if he is going to go that far!
Because I have to admit, a lot of my debt is due to me having to use my credit score in order to buy things we needed to replace as things broke down or became too dangerous to use anymore, because Paul was already in debt before I moved in!
My debt was caused by having to support breakdowns, because he couldn’t and we needed to feed a baby, we needed a new cooker, we needed a new mattress as I was cut to ribbons in the old mattress, Henry needed a bed, we needed a sofa because my mum broke it etc., you get the idea?
I came with 3 boxes of books and there were no bookshelves, so I bought those.
I am certainly taking the rugs with me so Henry goes colder! Before I moved in there was no rugs on our stone and laminated floor at all, it’s an ice-box in the winter – Paul has always resented the rugs, but we can’t sit in a freezer all winter – especially when Henry sits on the floor all the time!
To say I am looking forward to leaving this house is an understatement!
I will hate the quiet solitude of living alone, because personally, any time I am alone I am in high anxiety and I prefer to be in any company at all, than alone!
It’s very likely no sooner had I paid my first rent, I’d have got into a relationship with someone and got them to move in with me, because I won’t hack living solo! I just hope they are a decent person, whoever they might be – no one is planned yet!
But I need to start setting up my business and rolling up my sleeves now, because I never realised how much Paul could change in a short space of time and I don’t like it!
I am not comfortable here anymore, we have split up as far as we’re both concerned, so why does he still walk into the bathroom when I am having a bath to take a pee next to me? That’s acceptable when we was an item, but now I am feeling a little weird about it!
I know I sound stupid, but it just doesn’t sit right with me anymore to do that.
As I am starting to go into a nesting phase mentally… I have started to try and gather things of mine whenever I can and weigh up whether I really want those things or not anymore and I am bagging them for charity. But it hurts when I find something I love and had meaning to me, be destroyed because it had been thrown amongst the pack rat pile and got damaged, often severely!
I found a doll of mine which had been perfect all these years squashed against a radiator and her face had melted, broke my heart because it was the only proper doll I had outside of Barbie.
I know I sound like a stupid kid, but it still puzzles me how she got out of the bag she was in and thrown all the way over there like that!
Like a pair of kinky boots I had when I used to be involved in the lifestyle (BDSM) as a switch for a short while, as an ex master of mine thought I am a good alpha girl for others, so why not try and train me to be a dominatrix to earn some cash! I never did that, but he let me keep the boots nonetheless and I loved them, but they were shifted from my boot box out into the utility room by Paul and when the storm damaged the roof the box dissolved and I didn’t know about it until months later, when I found the box had rotted into the boots and the boots were literally glued to the floor of the room like they had melted!
I didn’t know about this and a bunch of other things in the utility room, because the floorboards in the room were cracked, dipped and damaged and Paul banned me from using the room – even though it’s still used as our laundry room – so I never got to see the damage out there until I wanted to clean it up two years ago!
The utility room is our only safe access to the back garden – the other one is a shared entryway that is guarded by our bad neighbour’s ferocious Dalmatian dog, which is untrained and attacks everything – only Paul is stupid enough to use that entryway and twice the dog has caused him an injury, but still he won’t complain!
Be glad to be out of here, I can tell you!
Get to do my gardening again, get to have the safety that the bad neighbour isn’t going to come glaring into our downstairs windows whenever he likes, get to have a clean and tidy home that has fresh air and windows opened regularly! Get to be able to access the food in the kitchen without twisted my sides as it’s all out of reach… seriously… I can’t wait!
If I had the money tomorrow to get out of here, you won’t have seen me move fast enough, believe me!
So, the 8th of December my domain name gets renewed, with that I am adding some money to WordPress to update it to a business account to get advertisers to pay me! I am also going to try and figure out how to use Instagram properly for business and poetry.
I am going to compile several of my old blog post poems into a book to sell on Amazon kindle.
I am going to look into what I can do to utilise patreon and Pinterest.
Then I am going to have to figure out alone how to set up my webcam and microphone on my desktop to start a YouTube channel!
Also, I am going to forego treat money for about six weeks to save up for a bulk in art supplies so I can sell my art in different formats on Squarespace.
Every little helps!
Whilst doing all of that, I will be trying to add two hours a day again to writing my novels as I am not giving up on those either!
Busy, busy, busy, especially as I am trying to get healthier and fitter and exercise and what have you.
If these things haven’t got started by the second week of January then I am just a bum and that’s not acceptable to me! Because I am no longer bedbound sick anymore!
Thanks for reading!
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