Tag Archives: diet

Remission, weight loss and dreams

It may have been a long remission between Easter and last week, because for the past few days I have been sleeping a lot and finding things a little difficult again.

My immune system has taken a massive hit and I feel like I have influenza but there is no temperature and not much else of the normal flu like symptoms.  The brain fog is coming back, the depression is hitting hard again and then the washing machine breaks down two days ago and it needs replacing.

The asthma has got a bit worse too, but it’s the feeling that I am turning into stone or lead I can’t get over – every limb feels weighted. 

Very sleepy is not a good description really – I kind of feel like I am going into a hibernation period, if you get my drift?  But what is weird about that is the fact that I can’t seem to sleep at night.

My appetite has stayed much the same, not eating much at all, so the idea of gaining weight over Christmas is silly as I seem to be losing up to two pounds a week still or not moving on the scales at all.

I found a local gym for £8.75 a week membership, I can afford that with my personal allowance and I will be signing up for the membership around the end of January, to help me tone up – my upper arms in particular as they are the only things which don’t seem to be doing what the rest of my body is doing… losing inches and toning up.  They are a good gym to go to because they specialise in helping people who have long-term health problems or are morbidly obese, which I need because I have asthma and a couple of auto-immune problems, one of which is rheumatic arthritis.

It’s exciting to note that I have lost ninety six pounds over a year now without much effort, now let’s take it up a huge notch!  I am not that far off from my goal weight and with this gym membership I should reach my goal weight before July with any luck – at least I haven’t been on the morbidly obese scale for a while now- In fact I remember a time where I was a horrifying 56 on the BMI scale that was nearly two years ago!  No, this wasn’t the reason I was bedbound either, the bedbound came first and this kind of obesity was caused by that!

How did I manage that?

Simple!

I was a highly active person who walked an average of nine miles a day amongst lots of other exercises and physical activities, needing to eat an average of four thousand calories a day just to sustain myself or collapse – to becoming a severely ill and bedbound person literally overnight, but never readjusted my diet, until three years later when it dawned on me what the heck I was doing!

I had such spleen pain and constant chest infections for nearly eight years solid, the amount of times I was diagnosed with pneumonia too, I couldn’t move because the spleen was too swollen and I was literally advised to do nothing in case it ruptured!  NHS overstretched before covid even existed and so operating wasn’t an option given to me! 

Especially as I was eating my feelings when the depression stepped in, meaning I was over doing food on a massive scale for someone who was extremely sedentary!

It wasn’t until around three years ago that I realised when I am having an angry or a depressing day, I go to food again for comfort, I realised this is a base instinct we all have; why?  Because as animals we would take our anger and frustrations out on other animals and bite them and attack them, but as humans have learned to civilise ourselves somewhat we suppress our anger and food is the substitute for the primordial release for biting!

So when you feel depressed, sad or angry get yourself chewing gum – believe me, it works – only I find it hard to have gum these days because most of it contains soy and soy is really bad for my spleen issue.

Around four years ago was the time I had a completely free from diet, no eggs, no gluten, no lactose, no soy and a mostly paleo diet.  This helped a lot with the breathing problems and the swollen spleen, eventually I learned that I could eat almost anything without pain but there was something still off – occasionally my spleen would swell again and it took until earlier this year to find out what was doing it… mustard and soy. 

Now I am not on a free from diet anymore, but I have to avoid soy and mustard, or the spleen swells up again and my asthma has a bad day – unfortunately most of my favourite foods contain them, as I especially love mustard!  So suffering is a choice now – which I don’t choose often! 

Not a lot of people who are recently acquainted with me take me seriously about how much I understand nutrition and exercise since they’ve always known me to be this size.  But in actuality, I am really switched on, because I used to be very athletic and I can name in approximation the calorie worth and nutritional value of most foods.

But for some people they can’t understand that if you know all of this, then why did you allow yourself to get so fat?

Because if you live a certain lifestyle for too long, then you become ill where the physical aspect changes but not the food – you can see how this is easily done.  But people will be people and some people are morons and don’t use their head on this kind of stuff!

I remember a time where my doctor suggested my diet was too healthy, too low on salt, too low on fats and too low on calories, that I was blacking out three times a week on average and going into severe full bodied cramps.  Because of lack of electrolytes as I didn’t add salt to anything and I had a low fat diet which was mostly vegetable based.   I remember having to keep a food diary constantly and keep every nutrient in mind and I remember having to rush out to McDonalds at random times throughout the week to get the high fat, high salt and calorific food I needed because I didn’t have time or the wherewithal to eat a large meal, so I had to opt for big macs as a dietary supplement.  A weird contrast to my life now!

No, I do not miss it, because I didn’t enjoy having to do those things – what I do miss is the health and fitness I used to have and the energy I had as well as the body.

In the future, I am hoping to get all that back again, only this time I am going to be smarter, no big mac supplements anymore – I have a weight lifting professional friend who had the same problem, only she supplements the low salt problem not with crisps and salted fries or peanuts, like I did – but as adding rehydration salts to every bottle of water she drinks!

At the time I knew I was a protein type metabolism but I didn’t fully understand it as much as I do now and I never knew you could get really nice protein drinks to get what you need in per day.  I was literally trying to stuff down copious amounts of chicken and fish every day into my system – another thing which will change in the future.

You see, back in the good old days of when I was active, I was active alone and without a fitness network, so I was literally clueless and often had stomach ache and a bulimic reaction to the food I needed to eat.

You live, you learn.

Paul and I are still living together but we are separated, still he is trying to support me the best he can with the diet I need.  He has told me that our finances are better than we used to have as we are now being supplemented now he is retired, which means I can see the doctor more often and the diet can improve slightly.

In March my own personal finances will have doubled for me, which means I could also supplement myself too – so I should be losing the weight much faster soon.  I will get back on it all after Christmas, properly.  

Calorie, protein and nutritional monitoring that is, as well as signing up for the local gym classes!

My self-employment should be kicking off around March too, so hopefully I will earn enough to consider moving out of Paul’s by the end of summer, maybe – who know?  I can’t see me living alone to be honest, but there you go!

I don’t do New Years resolutions, so please don’t take all of this as that!

My second biggest dream right now is to rediscover my inner pride and vanity! 

When I was healthy and fit, there were a lot of people who said all I needed to do was dye my hair blond and get a Chihuahua and I’d be like Paris Hilton in my style!  I was offended, because what’s wrong with a brunette?  Though I like the idea of platinum hair! 

Though maybe they were just on about how much I love pink and fluffies? 

My first biggest ever dream I’ve had forever now, is to find someone who genuinely loves me and wants to keep me, build a family with me, push me to be the best that I can be and we motivate each other like live in life coaches!  Along with this the person has to tolerate that I can be suffocating with how I love them and hands on with them, because I am just like that!  I am like Elmira from Looney Tunes – but they also have to tolerate eccentricities, daydreams and creative pursuits as it’s all a huge part of who I am!  Please also, the person must understand I am very childish – I am overly playful and I am not too responsible really.  I am such a hedonist to be honest!

My third ever dream is not what you think it is either… nope… no, it’s not really anything to do with my stories or art – it’s having a great home and social life. 

The stories becoming movies is really a fourth dream… shock horror… I know!

I kind of kept that a secret as I kind of wore this with shame for a while – but I am starting to release the true me and I have to be honest with you as much as myself now, don’t I?

I feel bad admitting that actually.

I am still writing, don’t fret!  I am just not all that bothered in giving boring details about word count anymore, because nobody really cares enough to comment unless they are a troll who moans about how often I update word counts!

But meh – I always lacked structure anyway, I say I intend to write one novel but I end up writing a little towards twenty and so…. I am learning to become at peace with me and the way I am… so should you!

But project AD and the Easter project are the main focuses for me right now, even if I only write about twice a week on both of them – at least its progress!  You have to remember I have lots of other projects on the go too!

I know lots of people are eager to get their hands on project AD and this is why I am writing this as fast as I can, because I know there are a lot of people in waiting over it. 

I just got to get it out there anyway, because it’s a great story and I am very excited for it.  I am seeing merchandise in my head already; it will be a great new toy brand in my opinion as it is a dystopian comedy for kids.

But the Easter project is also gripping me a lot too with so many amazing ideas I am literally bursting to share them with someone but scared I’d shoot myself in the foot if I did!

So that’s what’s happening in my life right now.

Thanks for reading!

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Habits lost & found

Trying to wake myself up from this sleepwalk from life, get back into semi-normality at least because I am starting to lose my identity a bit – no a lot.

Up until six months ago, I might not have done much with my life due to sickness, but I did things regularly and daily – since September, most of my regular daily habits have dropped totally!

The good ones that is, a lot of the bad ones have been dropped too – which is a good thing!

I no longer drink two litres of caffeinated sodas a day like I used to, but I do still drink them occasionally, in fact it’s dropped to a litre every two weeks, which in my mind is excellent – yes I did go cold turkey on that for a while and it worked, but I do miss it as an occasional treat and went back to buying a litre bottle every two weeks.

The potato snacks have also dropped hugely, still a regular habit, but at least it’s not a disgusting three to yes, shockingly sometimes six bags a day anymore!  Yes, crisps were always my biggest vice since I was a kid!

But the good things that made me productive daily have dropped and I feel really bad about it, so today I am trying really hard to force myself to get back into them again. 

Reading thirty pages of something a day.

Practising even If it’s just a five minute lesson on Duo Lingo French or Italian per day!

Writing at least five hundred words per day to a novel!

Researching or looking for inspiration and keeping up to date with relevant genre news for ninety minutes per day!

Practising drawings for an hour a day!

Daydreaming for my stories at least ten minutes an hour throughout the day! 

All those things were regular habits I had daily, but for some reason or another since September the desire to do any of them seems to have gone and I have gone into a state of severe apathy.

I have replaced what I did do, with things that don’t make me feel like I am valuing my time – things such as studying tarot cards as my grandmother never taught me that no card is an island and that you get things such as blocked cards and different spreads and don’t forget not all reversals are really reversed in their meanings.

I have made more effort with my appearance and being mindful about the kind of nutrition I am putting in my body for the first time in years.

I am staring into nothingness, but I don’t call that meditation, because I am not relaxed, I am finding myself having a lot of emotional blips and being tearful and I don’t really understand why – but I am starting to get shy even around the family now.  Putting up hoodies and avoiding people.

I am becoming much more withdrawn, the most difficult time of the day for me is sitting with the family at the dinner table to eat – because as soon as someone says something negative I get a lurch in my stomach and I can’t finish the meal.  I am under eating, though I am dieting – it’s not ideal how little I am actually eating!

I have even asked Paul to perhaps consider a separate meal time for me, just so I get to eat properly, but it really isn’t convenient for any of us to do that!

I am feeling trapped and it’s making me become a little snippy with Paul in particular lately and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just can’t help it!  I think it’s because I know what’s going through his head, we’ve separated but still living together and none of us really wants to be around each other anymore.  Though saying that, Paul is starting to come and sit close to me a lot lately, even if he isn’t talking to me – this is something he has never done throughout the whole of our relationship.  I know that sounds odd, but he has never been the type to actually sit next to me, even when we we’re OK with each other – because he has always been too fond of his laptop.

The other day I was so shocked by this unusual behaviour I looked at him in the eyes and said “You’re sitting next to me”?  He smiled and said that he knew – I then said “you smiled, are you feeling OK?” because honestly, Paul doesn’t do that much either!

He just nodded and smiled wider… freaky…

Honestly if you knew him you’d be freaked out too!

So today I am trying to wake myself out of this sleepwalk in life.

Though I sometimes wonder about this writing habit… I know in September we got news our finances are going to be much worse and we can’t afford ink for the printer and I tend to print everything I write and look at the papers multi-tasking whilst I write, which I can’t do anymore because of funds.  So I try to keep lots of tabs opened to keep peeping at folders from my cloud, but it’s irritating as it means I am staring at screens more than I want to and it’s making me tired faster.

I know it sounds like an excuse, but paper helps me be more productive – maybe that’s the factor here – but it doesn’t explain why all the other habits have dropped!

Talking of which, Paul admitted an underestimate of our financial capabilities, I have now learned we will be better than we thought, in fact our diet can improve very slightly and we can now afford to go out once a week via taxi or bus now, which will mean there is transport money for me to see doctors if I need them now.

Thanks for reading!

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Personal events of 2022

I had taken up a new protein diet and exercise regime, which worked well.

I have lost 93 pounds of weight since last year and hoping to lose another 50 pounds to reach the goal ideal weight for me by July 2023.

I have unfortunately lost three relatives this year, two due to Covid, as well as a family friend.

I have made some good close online friendships with other creative people.

I have broken up from a long-term relationship and I am now single.

My son has been officially diagnosed with autism on a mild spectrum.

I am no longer on a free from diet, because we have learned I had problems with mustard and soya.

One of the debts I had has now been paid off, that debt was due to paying things off from Christmas 2017, when the government cut our money unexpectantly by £200 just 3 weeks before Christmas!

Thanks for reading and being with me throughout the year!

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Freeze treatment & spicy green tea

Universeodon is taking some getting used to, I don’t know how to find my followers or find things in general – but I am getting the hang of it, like I am trying to get the hang of other things too.

Such as, learning how to accept being cold and encouraging myself to sit around literally freezing my butt off, because I heard that it helps you lose weight faster by producing more brown fat rather than the horrible kind which makes you fat.

Brown fat reputedly makes you lose weight, did my own research on it and all you need is to sit around in temperatures below 19c  66.2F and eat or drink regularly the following – green tea (which I do twice a day anyway) turmeric, propolis, cinnamon and apples as a main thing – amongst others.  Oh and B5 supplements or B5 rich foods also helps with this, apparently. 

I am in pain if temperatures are under 21.5c seriously, because of my arthritis – but we all have to suffer for the sake of beauty and goals!  Anyway, I noticed the cold doesn’t hurt so much if I drink the spiced up green tea about half an hour before cold exposure, which helps! 

So I am seeing if I would lose weight faster by taking on these new simple steps, it will take two weeks to see an effect apparently, so two weeks of suffering the cold before my body regulates its own temperature.  I am not doing well with the cold, I am shivering and resorting to my fluffiest cardigans again and again, which defeats the object! 

I know when I was slimmer I was crazy enough to regularly have cold showers, but here that’s no longer an option because back in 2015 when the shower broke down, Paul hasn’t been able to fix it. 

I had the showers because I thought it was healthy for the heart to expose myself like that to the cold, also it improved my hair and skin.

I bought a new shower, but it’s been stuck in the box since 2016 and he doesn’t show any signs of helping fix that up.  So I have had to tolerate baths all the time and that means my skin has been suffering due to lack of regular exfoliation and shea butter treatments I used to do to myself.

Washing myself down twice a day at the basin is really not my idea of hygiene but until that shower is fixed, I have no choice, especially as baths use way too much water – so I have those every two days, again it’s not my cup of tea!  I miss my twice a day showers!

So I am freezing my butt off literally… drinking two cups of turmeric and cinnamon infused green tea a day, keeping to my high protein diet and trying to keep the house tidy enough for me to exercise in – but I am confined to a place I don’t like exercising in… the bedroom – because nobody respects what mama wants and needs to do in this house!

Still people are using my exercise bike as a glorified hat, coat and shoe stand and that really pisses me off!

Like today I finally cleared an area and was about to put my mat down to start exercising and Paul gets the vacuum out, he never does that unless asked!  So that idea was cancelled.

I sometimes wonder if it’s all deliberate, as Paul will suddenly become super-efficient when I am busy trying to do something in an area.  If I did nothing all day, neither does he!

Is this in my head or is he really up to what I think he is?

He tells me he supports me being happy anyway possible – but he does these things to stop me…

Whatever, all I know is I am getting sick of it, more than you know!

Something has got to change or else I am going to scream louder than the family banshee!

But hey, looking on the bright side of the heat or eat crisis!

Thanks for reading!

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What is spring?

Spring is lovely, you still get frost and crystals in the morning at times, the mornings are prettier and you get to see little flowers peeking through snow, if you’ve been lucky enough to have snow that late in the winter that is –it is fun going out on colour watch at those times!

This makes spring my second favourite season of the year and by now you should be able to guess my third!

But there is one pet hate about spring, that is peoples obsession with daffodils, I don’t like them much, not the regular kind!  I am also severely allergic to another late winter/spring plant, hyacinth; by severely allergic I mean that I go temporarily blind if I touch them – so keep them away from me please!

But other than that, I love seeing the spring come in and planning the garden for the summer and autumn!  I love seeing how my late winter seedlings are coming along, it’s fun!

Such a pretty time of year and I love Easter!  I love any holiday or celebration if you haven’t been able to tell just yet!  But I really love Easter because of my obsession with rabbits and Candyland fantasies.

I sometimes imagine having some kind of edible theme park someday, but it will probably be an insurance nightmare!

I love organising things for kids too – outfits and games to play – Easter egg hunts and decorations and loads of cakes and biscuits!

I love making wreaths for Easter too, in fact I like making seasonal wreaths for any season or events no matter what it is!

For me Easter is usually a time I am most likely to go to a circus or a pantomime, I never knew why I do, it’s just something I always did up until five years ago.

It is also a sad time in retrospect because it’s around the time we have to ration the chutney and things we’ve canned from the year before harvest.

This is something I forgot to put in the winter and autumn posts, jam, chutney and pickle making as well as homemade candied fruits and candies and pies etc.

I love watching farmer’s shows on TV and watching lambing season on LIVE CCTV on YouTube as well as other animal channels such as, albatross fledgling watch and that sort of thing!  I’d rather watch a good wildlife or farming CCTV than the actual TV at times!

But mostly Easter is all about baking and arts and crafts, sugar crafting and things!

It is also the best time of year for fashion in my opinion as you get all the exciting predictions at the beginning of the year and you see which ones will actually happen after all!

You also get to move things you don’t like around the garden before everything grows too big, it’s a time of opportunity out there and mid-spring is the perfect temperature to garden outside all day!

It’s also the time I start to do more exercise and diet from the winter glut I tend to do, so I have confidence in the summer.  Before I got sick, I would gain an average of fifteen pounds in the winter and it would usually take me six to eight weeks to get it off again!

I also start wearing tighter fitting clothes as I lose the pounds, I am strange like that – ultra baggy near frump midwinter and it’s like my clothes shrink for the summer, it’s an interesting transition I went through each year!

I don’t do silly things like New Year’s resolutions; I am more likely to accomplish things on Easter resolutions!  Generally, though spring is the time I start thinking about diet – really I tend to see Easter Sunday as the last glut until my birthday or if I am invited to one – a BBQ party!

The only gluts I have between Easter Bank Holiday Monday and my birthday or a BBQ party, is berry fruit salads and watermelon!

Now there’s a glut for you!

Thanks for reading!

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Henry, dreams & things

Celebrating the fact that Henry has had two full days at school this week!

It’s becoming a rarity, but I hope it’s going to change a bit – Henry has come home a little bit anxious because a new supply teacher was rude and apparently mean to him and several other children; but Henry is a lot like his mum, in that sometimes in stressful situations we forget the words but remember the actions, if you get me?  So Henry can’t relay exactly what was said.

Thankfully nothing came of this meningitis presumption – I am so happy and relieved about that!

Henry is at his youth club tonight for three hours, so I have plenty of time to get to write something today, I am going to do it, though I had only three hours sleep last night and I have big dark circles around my eyes that make me look like I have been in a fist fight with a kangaroo!

I am having a lot of weird and heavy dreams at night in the past few weeks, even in short sleeping bursts like last night.

Two days ago I had a dream about three candles being lit that were a brownish colour, that had red and white wax melting inside of it, which was weird and on one of the three candles were two rings – like non gem wedding and eternity rings. 

There was a hooded red figure discussing what to do with the candles and they were slightly frustrated but still patient with me, because I kept moving the candles around and blowing the flames out and relighting etc. 

There were other people at the table, just one man and one other woman; they all had their own candles.  The man found me amusing somewhat and tried to advise me a little, but the woman looked at me in disdain and thought I was an idiot.

I remember taking the rings off one of the candles and I was told not to do that yet, be patient – so I put them back.

I was a little tensed and confused in the dream and felt like a naughty hyperactive child and ended up trying to sit on my hands or twiddle my thumbs whilst sitting there clueless about what’s happening – the other two, seemed to know what was what, but I didn’t.

I woke up and did a tarot and oracle reading about what the dream meant and like a fool I didn’t consider it had anything to do with a new relationship or marriage – but my cards dropped a marriage card, a ring card, a love card, as well as a diamond in my usual 3 card reading – these cards dropped on the 3 I had already chosen and I thought that this was weirdly significant and related to each other too spookily well.  The oracle cards I used have 200 cards and are the Tea Leaf fortune cards, so to get all the indicators for marriage or new relationship like that was just so random and weird to me!

The three cards I pulled out in the normal manner were the firecracker card, the handshake card and the broom card. 

The meaning of the above according to this oracle is;

Firecracker = Excitement

Handshake = A meeting with a stranger could be important.

Broom = New home, new attitude

The other fallen cards just speak for themselves, its weird how mindless I can be during dream time and interpreting things – I suppose it’s because it was a dark room lit by candlelight and the rings didn’t look like jewellery to me, they looked like metallic black, if you get my drift?  A little darker than hematite. 

Last night’s dream was weirder and extra spooky because of events that took place when I woke up.

I dreamt I was at a ballroom again, this is a common dream I have, it is in the same building and room where I have those sorts of dreams and it isn’t a real place I’ve ever been to or seen on TV.

Like usual in those dreams I seem to have a completely different family to my physical real family, they’ve been in and out of dreams for years – it’s almost like I slip into a parallel world when I sleep at night.

Anyway in that dream I was wearing a golden dress with a sun like piece of jewellery just above the navel, it was hooked onto the dress like a brooch. 

I was just standing around when a gentleman comes over – the usual dream guy in fact, though this time he is slightly different facially, not much, but slightly showing some facial hair like he is growing a beard and moustache but it’s the early stages.  He had red decoration on his chest and wore his black suit; though it was different it was far more formal than usual.

He took me to a balcony and we talked a bit, then he went to my dream parents and they exchanged to him some black scarf or wide set ribbons, unsure what they were really and they placed them upon a staff – I think it was a staff anyway.

Then he came to me and we spent time together and then the scarves were tied like bangles around my wrist, it wasn’t bondage.  But in the dream people who saw us when we went back into the ballroom started to become excited and throw confetti or something like that at us.

It felt very similar to a private 121 hand fasting experience, if you understand me?

A sort of mini pagan wedding that hadn’t been officiated properly yet – this was like the first stage, I understood in the dream.

As I am writing this there is a weird pressure on my third eye – very odd.

Anyway, when I woke up I found lots of small pieces of torn up paper around the bed and on the bed, like someone had thrown confetti on me in the night, in fact it’s why I woke up – I felt a piece hit me on the head, but no one in the house was a awake to have done it, I checked.

All I know is as I woke up, I heard a voice say – quick, she’s stirring!

I’m either losing my marbles or things are stranger than I thought about this world!

It’s weird because traditionally scarves and ribbons in weddings are usually red in certain cultures, but these were definitely black.  What is weird is the guy had something red on him, but not sure what.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t sleep well last night – because when I woke up and went to the bathroom the house started to wake up around twenty minutes later and I decided to stay awake until I got dozy and had a two hour nap in the late morning.

It’s really eating away at me all these strange things – but at least those last two dreams were more pleasant than other dreams I’ve had this past month.

I have had awful dreams before them – Warning content needed here…

There was a baby I found that looked weak and ill and I wrapped it up in a blanket to look after it, the baby spoke to me and told me how I could find his mother and so I took him to her and she was working at a food van.  When I passed the baby to her, she snapped at me and said, put him on the counter there, I will sort him out later.  When I put the baby onto the counter he turned into a huge burrito and the lady grabbed the burrito, cut it in half and offered it back to me, which I declined!

Another one was a true out and out nightmare, I was escaping from some sort of prison and I managed to get out with the help of the dream guy.  But he needed to act as decoy to get someone away from me, but unfortunately whilst he was away my mother crept up behind me and cut out of my kidneys and ate it raw in front of me. 

When I woke up my back hurt a lot.

Loads of other dreams similar to these, but there is a horrible dream that keeps repeating lately and that is my rabbit Ray, being turned out into the garden in a small tight hutch and it falls into a muddy pond drowning him or there is a flash flood that sweeps him away.

Don’t know why I am having a lot of disturbing dreams late; usually dream time is a sanctuary.

I am worried about my lack of sleep, my light sleeps when I do sleep and the fact that lately I am struggling to eat more than 900 calories a day.  I’ve had two days in the past two weeks where I ate around 1400 but it’s much less than that recently and consistently.

I am getting pain whenever I eat anything bigger than half a sandwich which makes me stop eating a full meal.  I don’t eat breakfast and rarely have lunch, I have one or two snacks in a day, with a quarter of a plate for dinner if it’s a good day.

Paul is more than a little worried about it.

Yesterday was a goodish day, I had a tuna bagel with mayonnaise and chives and I had a ham & cheese salad sandwich and a packet of crisps for the whole day.  Unfortunately that’s too much gluten for my body, so my abdomen is a little swollen today, but it’s not painful.

Sometimes my chest gets bad the next day after I have more than a little of gluten and sometimes depends on how much gluten I have, my abdomen will swell like I’m pregnant or something, weird. 

It’s much worse with soy and mustard, because with those two my spleen swells as well as my abdomen and there is intense pain!

Right so, an hour into writing this, I have warmed up enough to get back onto my project AD for the evening, I still have an hour and twenty minutes before they come home approximately.

Thanks for reading!

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Bored of sausage & beans

It’s likely that in the next two weeks that my YouTube could be set up, still struggling to understand the technology behind it all, but I am hoping that I will have it up before December now.

I am totally not confident about showing my face on there right now, because I still have that missing tooth and the dentist hasn’t given me an appointment for the braces we’ve discussed yet as she has a backlog of appointments to get through.

I did try to remind her, but I seem to be lost in the paperwork somewhere.

So until the braces come I am not confident about showing my mouth in particular.  The tooth was pulled July 28th and though some of the gap seems to have closed itself with an exercise I found online to move teeth without braces, it isn’t happening as fast as I would like!

Stupid tooth would go and break on a chicken bone though wouldn’t it?  Gosh that makes me sound like a Neanderthal with chicken wings doesn’t it?  I guess I am though, lol, pretty crazy about wings.

I forgot to have my medication last night so today is pretty painful to eat for me and I may not keep things down.  Especially as the planned meal is a rare treat of a steak pepper pie with salad, can’t change my mind as the alternative is worse – Chicken Arribiata, I have problems with that at the best of times without having it when I’ve missed medication!

I love Arribiata but it’s too acidic for days like these!

I took the medication by now, but it won’t work in time for dinner.

On a positive note my size is slimming down faster than I expected, even my smallest clothes are getting big on me now.

Although I love it I am scared of it, because I can’t afford to replace clothing and at the rate I am losing the weight I will need a full wardrobe of clothes once every six to eight weeks!

To be honest with you, it’s why I am bringing forward the YouTube set up, I am hoping to try and get some money in order to replace my clothing so I don’t have to stall my exercises for a while, like I have been doing, just because I can’t afford the transition! I don’t have much choice over the diet, we can’t eat much lately as it is.

I am not confident I’d earn enough with YouTube alone, so I am going to be posting things in Instagram and putting my blog up for monetisation soon as well, because I need to try and get some kind of income coming in now that Paul is officially retired and our money looks cut again.

We really can’t stretch our money if there is another cut; we have lost £60 a week from this past Monday, so things are getting awful right now.  But Paul assures me it is temporary, The Royal Navy will give him a pension by the end of the month that will boost us again, but we have a whole four weeks of having £60 a week less than normal, we may not be able to pay our utilities this month.  Probably going to be the hardest month of my life!

I am just so glad I am not like my cousins who ignored my grandparent’s stories about how they coped with rationing during the war and actually partook in their lessons to learn how to stretch things out.

How that just because you opened a can of beans yesterday doesn’t make them inedible today – you just pour them into a pot with leftover veg and hey presto a vegetable soup, ok not ideal, but least you won’t starve!

But I’ve learned a lot from them, you see, I learned that those can of beans you open yesterday can be mixed up with fried sausages, onion and dried herbs with mashed potato as a lovely sausage & baked bean casserole – which is a family favourite!

I think every poor family in the UK was raised on sausages and baked beans; it seems to be the go to meal for the poor here.

To be honest with you I hate sausages, had them so often I actually don’t like them anymore, same with baked beans – I like them sometimes, but I am getting to the point I will be happy never to see sausages again!

Unless of course its garlic sausage, chorizo, salami or saveloy – gosh I miss having those!  But economy brand 60% breaded sausages are, well they are just ew ok?

You can more or less tell who is poor in the UK by their weight, if you are fat; you are probably on the tight budget – as healthy food comes at a premium here.

It’s a strange world when the fat is the poor and the rich are the slim.

You know we can go days without vegetables and that’s not a choice!  Meat and potatoes keep the poor fed!

You have no idea the trouble poor people have with their kids, because we’re taught that meat is unsustainable and your kids are like, but we heard eating meat is killing the planet mum; you don’t care about the planet.  Oh my gosh have you tried to explain to a child that it costs £20 a week to feed us in our 5 a day plan but it is only £12 a week for the meat and £5 for the potatoes?  When you are on a £30 – 45 a week budget, you can see why we’re not healthy, the poor!

I’d love to have fruit and veg every day, I don’t believe in the 5 a day plan, I am more of  anything over 7 is great kind of woman, before all this started to happen in my life!

Before our money got cut in 2017 for the first time, Henry was waking up to vegetable frittatas and carrot muffins, lunching on tuna and avocado pasta and dining on Roast lamb salads and we always had soup before dinner and a dessert after it!  Not anymore, often times we go without breakfast and lunch to help Henry at school and our dinners are rarely over 900 calories! 

I have to skip the protein shakes this month to survive!  Or dip into my £30 savings?

I already told Paul, leave that Christmas savings alone, we barely have £50 for that so far and its so hard telling Henry we just can’t do the Nintendo 64 you want love, we aren’t like your friends who can have that! Anyway, that’s a old console, weren’t that out when I was a teenager? Anyway Henry definitely said that’s what he wanted! He does like vintage stuff, so I am hardly surprised really!

Anyway, rant over, thanks for reading!

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About my deafness

I think it was a 48 hour cold, though I am still a bit chesty but I am getting over it faster than I usually do – perhaps maintaining this high protein diet has helped?  I don’t know, but I do know that along with that I primarily drink water, green tea or lemonade instead of Pepsi and coffees these days.

I have been very tired and I feel as though I should sleep a lot, because I sense something is going to happen soon where I will be on my feet a lot of the time and I won’t have time to dilly dally anymore and laze around.

I haven’t a clue why my instinct is telling me, get all the sleep you can right now so you can be prepared for what’s coming!

I just hope it’s not going to be too much for me, whatever it is!

I have been bed and housebound sick for eight years now and it has only really been since Easter that I have managed to do approximately 45 minutes away from a chair at any one time.  What the blazes is coming into my life?

Whatever it is, I hope I ease into it and not get exhausted by it!

I really can’t think what it can be.

Puzzling, but my instincts are to be trusted, because I’ve ignored them in the past and I have been very sorry about it too!

But I have had this feeling about sleeping a lot for two weeks now.  But I hate sleep.

I have never been a person who loves their bed; unless there is some sort of activity going on if you get my drift?

I find it hard to sleep more than six hours unless I am unwell, simply because I am paranoid about missing out on something or not doing something I want to do.

In any case, I am glad things aren’t getting worse.  I was getting worried last night because two huge zits appeared on my face and I thought I might have had some kind of pox, monkey pox or something – but it was just the two and I seem to feel ok.  They are embarrassing though, not used to getting zits in that particular place of the face, weird!  Though upon reflection two nights ago I had an unusual amount of dairy in my diet for me – fatty foods can do that!

I am not happy about being requested to sleep more, but there you go. 

I also wanted to point out that I am deaf as many of you know – but I am not a signer.  I thought I had better put that out there as someone indicated they were worried about not being able to communicate with me offline.  I am fine, just follow these rules;

I can’t hear you if your back is turned away from me.

I can’t hear you if you cover your mouth.

I can’t hear you if you stand to my right – my right ear is completely dead and can’t have a hearing aid there.

Stand to my left and face me when you talk to me as I have a hearing aid sometimes – I don’t need it all the time as my left ear hearing fluctuates a lot due to the auto-immune inner ear problem I have.

Let me read your lips

Don’t take me to places that echo as the vibrations get distorted and I get disoriented and anxious.

You don’t need to sign for me, because I don’t understand it much.

But if I can’t wear a hearing aid because of infection in the left ear, you may need to shout or use a mini white board!

I am eligible for a hearing dog, but I don’t have one.

I can’t use a phone unless it’s very loud or on loud speaker – preferably a zoom call or something is better for me if there is no lag – for lip reading!

I rely on hearing people to take phone calls on my behalf, as a lot of places in authority and finance do not have alternatives for the deaf, yet – which is bloody disgusting!

On a positive note, when I get 10k – if I ever get 10k I can have surgery to repair my hearing in the right ear, all I need are ossicles, little bones to help vibrate sound and a new tympanic membrane.

Thanks for reading!

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Things are different but hard

Disclaimer, this is a very long post, nearly 3k, sorry.

Things are definitely changing in my life, I have a little more personal freedom – not much, but it’s a lot for me and I haven’t had this amount of freedom for at least eight years now.

My physical health is improving enough where I am no longer staying in bed most of the time; in fact I am able to do a little exercise and chores on a daily basis now.  I believe it has everything to do with the new high protein diet.  I do however choose to escape into the bedroom for up to three hours a time these days, because I am not coping with Henry’s behavioural problems and the arguments in the household.

I am trying my best to do the housework, but Paul and Henry have got into the habit that I have been sick, so when I have made the efforts to tidy up, no one appreciates it and undoes my work around the house almost as soon as I have done it.  There is no respect for me in this regard.

I clear an area and Paul or Henry fills it again, in less than half a day, I have to say, it makes me wonder why I bother.

The other day, I spent forty five minutes cleaning the carpet in the hall and clearing away coats, hats, garden equipment and the vacuuming the living room, clearing up shoes, clothes and robots all over the floor.  Paul and Henry were both out – they came home and threw their coats wherever they liked, it had rained heavily and the mud was trapesing all over the floor, they sat down and not one of them mentioned about noticing I had done anything.

When I asked them about if they had noticed, all I got was an “ooh sorry, yeah, thanks”; But no effort to amend their slobby mess in the hall.

There are things I am desperate to clean, but with the finances being really hard on us, Paul is reluctant to buy the cleaning materials I am used to.

We have mild bleach and antibacterial wipes and a sponge for the bathroom, but that is all.

I struggle living in this house because a house usually reflects the quality of the wife or mother of the house – believe me when I say, this house is not a reflection of me at all!  I have been sick for years and Paul was a hoarder/pack rat before he met me and I had to struggle and deal with this problem of his for ages before I got sick and I nearly sorted the whole house out.

There are things Paul leaves for months, no matter how much I complained when I could leave the bed, he still never got around to doing things.  There are four rooms in the house that I ban everyone from going into, if they are guests because I’d die of embarrassment over it – Paul doesn’t have the same inclination as I do.  He doesn’t see what’s so bad about things, though he admits it needs to change.

The dining room has been unusable as Paul’s hoarding is coming back; this has been unusable for three years now.  The kitchen is just plain dangerous and dubious.  The utility room is dangerous and the roof has caved in and there is fibreglass hanging from it, every time it rains the whole room gets soaked and that is where we do our laundry – or rather where Paul does the laundry as it’s too dangerous and narrow for me to get out there, as whatever Paul can’t throw away, old broken electricals etc. gets stored out there.

The other room isn’t a room a guest would go to anyway, that’s the big bedroom, which is now Paul’s room and the room where we store Christmas decorations, DVDs, towels, linen and clothes.  It’s basically an enormous disorganised store room.

Paul is very tactical, he knows with my balance problems and weight, that I can’t get to places if he puts things a certain way.  This means there are lots of places I cannot access around the house unless he assists me; this makes me completely dependent upon him to help me.  The thing is, with this new diet of mine I am slimming down and I am gaining better balance, dexterity and agility as well as energy.  This is starting to cause ructions between us, as he doesn’t like the idea I no longer need him, despite knowing we’re separating soon.

I am a house proud woman; I was raised by very domesticated OCD housewives through my mother, paternal grandmother, various cousins and aunts I was sent to live with over the years.  I am meticulous about the house, I am an organised person who is driven nuts by the idea of piles upon piles of things and a throw it anywhere attitude. 

I am the kind of woman who goes into cafes and wipe the table down before I do anything and wipe up after myself too, I am that tidy it’s my nature.

I am the kind of person who has dinner, take the plates out and the sauces.  Whilst Paul says, leave it on the table I will deal with it later.  The plates are taken out and washed immediately, but the sauces can be there for days.

My little bit of freedom is that I can now do a little per day around the house, but living with people like this I often wonder if I should bother at all?

I have also paid off a debt, which means I now have for the first time in three years £25 a week to treat myself with.  I haven’t seen this kind of money for three years!

Paul won’t let me spend the money on anything but treats for myself, but the thing is, I need to.  I need to consider putting £10 a week away for savings, for travel money to the doctors and hospital.  Paul doesn’t know that’s why I am saving the money.  Because of the heat or eat crisis, I have tried to give Paul £5 here and there for treats for me and Henry, he accepts it but doesn’t like it if I extend that to say… fruits or meats I may want to add to the diet too as he sees that as part of the family money.  He doesn’t want me to spend money on the family or the house.

He admits he is proud and he doesn’t like that he can’t provide for me.

I want him to spend some of my money on getting the cleaning equipment I want but that is hard for him to digest, Paul tells me, he will clean it himself with what we have.  I am still waiting…

To be Frank with you, I can’t wait until I move out.  But Paul doesn’t like the idea of me being alone, because of my inclination towards avoiding meals and going into bouts of depression where I could self-harm.

I wasn’t depressed like this before I got sick and lost control around the house.

My depression was mostly to do with being sick and in constant pain, then it got worse because of my helplessness, followed by seeing the declination of the house hygiene and my son’s mental health and then the severe poverty, where we relied on a food bank for Christmas and for other occasions.

I don’t care that Paul is starting a new relationship with another woman, I care that I will lose my son, because Henry wants to stay here with his dad because he knows I go with the flow  and I probably wouldn’t stick around Rugby town when I move out.

I go where I am wanted or needed.

I am very flexible.

I am able to start going out once a week without it affecting any budget, this is why I have chosen to go to the library once a week on a Saturday afternoon around 1 to 4pm or thereabouts. but not today.

I will take my laptop so I could get extra writing done there for my novel, because I can’t write in a smelly, untidy house where Henry and Paul have screaming matches every fifteen minutes.

Perhaps as I get fitter, I could eventually walk to the library like I used to instead of getting the bus and then maybe go every day? 

I remember around 2014 before I got sick, that I regularly walked 9 miles per day, I miss that!  I also had enough energy left in me to be meticulous around the house, chasing a toddler and doing 45 minutes of Tae-bo a day too, this is not counting whatever I did at the recreation ground near the house, I used to power walk or jog around that five to seven times three times a week!

Paul was in constant exhaustion as he followed me everywhere, because I have a weird problem.  I don’t like going anywhere alone, ever.  Unless I have a dog, then that’s different as I don’t feel alone with a dog.

I can go out on my own, if I have a dog.

I’m weird I know, but there is something that makes me anxious when I am not in a small group.  I like groups, I thrive in them, but make me alone or put me into a situation where I am having a 121 or a 2 on 1 discussion with people I hardly know, I get so tense.

I tell you, it’s this weird… I will willingly go and talk to an audience of a thousand strangers about any subject you want as long as there is one person back stage or on stage that I know is there, the more people I know, the better; than say, go into a small confined room where I am far away from a door with two complete strangers.

It’s a trust issue.

If people are friendly with me around three or four consecutive visits, I will relax to them very quickly and they go into my trust circle, but if they are rude or mean in anyway, they will never get into that sense of security with me.

It’s just the way I am.

I am very much a pack animal and without my pack I am lost.

My fitness efforts are part of my project to get myself fit enough to find myself a pack, so I can feel like I want to live again.

I think finding my tribe or people who want to be in my life, as the key to my happiness.  I did have a wonderful community here in Rugby before I got sick, but when my sickness got so bad I couldn’t leave the house anymore, people dropped me over a time.  Nobody wanted to come and visit someone who was so sick they could hardly talk and they couldn’t get off the sofa.  Especially as I wasn’t diagnosed with anything that was potentially fatal!

I was just recovering from pneumonia and having multiple chest infections over the years that meant I became very disabled, it badly affected my mobility and I gained a lot of weight. 

In 2017 I decided that perhaps food could be my medicine?  I read a book called “The Wahl’s Protocol” which enlightened me enough that I went on an elimination diet, no gluten, no lactose, no eggs, no soy and as paleo as you can get.  I did see some improvement but not a lot, but I then developed certain deficiencies.

I then decided to try going slowly back on everything; it was fine until I started back on soy and mustard.  Then I decided to listen to my body from when I used to be athletic – go back to a high protein diet.

It’s the protein I need.

It’s the protein fixing me.

I try to get 75g of it per day at minimum, but it’s hard on our budget and I am writing this on the 28th October 2022 – today I haven’t been able to eat much at all.  I had some chicken barely enough to fill half a sandwich and a protein shake and a little light snack, but I was unable to keep things down today.  I had barely 800 calories worth of food, this is becoming regular these days and it’s scary.

Paul think its stress, because I can’t cope with Henry’s behaviour and Henry’s behaviour is worse at the dinner table, where things get so heated between everyone, my stomach goes into knots and I physically cannot eat more than a couple of mouthfuls for a couple of hours.

We have discussed that I should have a separate meal time, away from Henry.

Henry appears to be developing such bad behavioural problems that it is almost like autism, the thing is, he didn’t have any of the signs of this when he was younger.  He is nearly thirteen, but his behaviour is so erratic and sometimes dangerous that it puts tremendous stress on us, especially me.

I half believe he is putting it on, so he doesn’t go to school.  He also finds his behaviour hilarious and doesn’t seem to understand that this behaviour is not funny, the more we show our concern and try to calm him down or even ignore him, the worse he gets.  We can’t win. Paul believes there is something genuinely wrong with him, but I think he is playing us a fool.

Why do I say this?  Because Henry is a huge attention seeker and because I used to work with the mentally disabled, that are far more severe than Henry and they were adults and I can tell you now – Henry’s behaviour is extreme and Henry is an A+ student, he only acts like this when he wants attention or when he doesn’t want to do something.

This is something the school has noted.  Henry is fine in certain classes and when he is around his favourite people, but put him into things he don’t like, he goes berserk literally.  He isn’t violent, he just plays up – acts the fool, reverts back to a toddler, if you get me?

For example, whilst at home if he gets his favourite dinner he is happy, naturally.  But he starts to grin really big and make repetitive noises such as heeee heeee heeee almost donkey like and starts to bounce on his bottom rapidly and shake, then he will hand the food into his mouth without using knives and forks.

This gets him noticed, this causes a reaction from Paul – Henry sees this reaction and likes the attention, so does it all the more and does other things that Paul will notice and comment on, making Henry get all the worse.  Till it escalates and they scream at each other, Henry hits himself and runs away, Paul makes chase, scream, scream, scream, Henry comes back at the table going on about how everybody hates him.

It is happening daily.

It’s exhausting.

I have suggested that we talk to Henry calmly, I am ignored.  I have suggested not giving attention to bad behaviour but noticing and praising the good behaviours instead, I am ignored.

When Henry has lunch when Paul is out, he never acts like this.

This is why I have severe reservations about leaving Henry with Paul.

Henry doesn’t react badly like this, when Paul is out, Henry is attentive, vain, clean and tidy when it’s just me and him.  Around Paul he loses it, he doesn’t want to take care of himself, he doesn’t want to do anything good and I can understand why.  Henry gets more attention when he is bad and is completely ignored when he is good, except by me.

I over compensate for Henry’s good behaviour, because I know it is lacking from his father.

There are times when Henry and I speak together away from Paul, because both of us do not want to trigger another screaming match by being overheard.  Henry often talks about how he doesn’t feel wanted or loved and because I am anxious about any shouting going on around me because of my PTSD, I am eager to be out of ear shot of Paul when he tells me these things.

It’s difficult here.  This is why I am finding it hard to do much.

I am constantly drained; I am running on empty lately.  Whenever I sit or lie down, I am inadvertently falling asleep very easily.  I have black circles under my eyes and it’s not lack of sleep or dehydration.

Sorry for such a long post, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Thanks for reading. 

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Starving fat girl

What did I mean in the former post about “problems starting up again”?

Ok, well I have an undiagnosed digestive problem, IBS and IBD of unknown causes, where sometimes my body swells and shrinks day to day.  Sometimes it mostly affects my spleen, where my spleen will swell and become painful and pushes against the stomach a lot, so I can’t keep food down even if I push myself to eat that day.

Consequently I have been having issues with malnutrition, because I have days like this at least three times a week on average!

Just because I am fat, doesn’t mean I am actually eating anything!

It can be quite bad, like yesterday where I wake up and the first thing that happened immediately after I drank a small sip of water was to bring that up with bile.  I know it sounds disgusting and it is!  But this is what I have been living with for years and there are two reasons why it’s been left undiagnosed.

One major reason is we can’t afford the taxi fare to go to appointments about it and secondly the hospital we go to is in so much debt that they are reluctant to help anybody unless its life or death and we can’t afford to go further afield.

I take omeprazole since I was pregnant with Henry, because for some reason or another, after I gave birth to Henry my body didn’t rebalance itself again like it should have. So I am prone to heart burn.

Whenever I do manage to eat, I can’t move around or go for a walk for around twenty minutes, just to make sure it says down.  Any physical movement after a meal can make me purge.  Which makes quick lunches in town, near impossible!

My doctor knows I want to lose weight and he is a little anxious I am trying to exercise when I have these nutritional problems right now.  He told me that I probably wouldn’t be so big if my body wasn’t constantly in starvation mode; my body is storing anything it can get its hands on and I have a lot of water retention too which is affecting circulation.  I am constantly cold.

My doctor has urged me to go private if I can, but we just can’t do that.

He has sometimes wondered if it is an imbalance of friendly gut bacteria, because he learned once that my mother was known to be so OCD in cleaning, that sometimes she would add a tiny dash of bleach to our vegetables when she washed them!

I did find a marked improvement in keeping food down after several weeks of adding fermented foods to my diet, but because our benefits got cut we could no longer afford to maintain that diet for me. 

We still are clueless about it all and only time will tell, what it is.  Soon Paul retires and so our money will improve a little, but as we’re separating soon, who knows what is going to happen with all this!

All I know is, I rarely eat breakfast, I have lunch occasionally, I always eat a dinner and I have a snack a couple of hours before bed.  I struggle most days to eat more than a whole “normal” sandwich in one sitting.

So get the idea out of your head that all fat people constantly eat, because in my case it’s simply not true!

I think the biggest meal I can regularly eat at the moment is a 3 egg scramble with a single toasted bagel and a banana right after it!  That to me is a huge meal!

I practically live on that every two days; because it’s something I can keep down.  I also drink a large glass of cranberry juice for the vitamin C.  Because my doctor said that three eggs in one day is all the vitamins and minerals your body needs except for vitamin C, which you can’t get from eggs.  So I do this, because its really high in protein and it’s got everything I need in it!

Occasionally my late night snack, which is around 9pm are usually two or three roasted chicken legs, a tuna bagel or a fruit salad.

Yesterday all I managed to eat was vegetable soup, three slices of bread, a banana and 2 oat biscuits in the whole day. Very low in protein unfortunately, because I had too much pain and struggled to keep things down.

Thanks for reading!

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