Tag Archives: depression

Blessed stinging eyes

My eyes are stinging with the breaking of my heart

All joy is vacant here

The shadows are inviting me to a party

But I decline

The light offers me its blessings

But I deny

I am OK in this state

For in this state I am learning

I don’t always know what my lesson is

But to me

To me I will learn in any case

Eventually…

I don’t wallow in self-pity and sadness

To me everything is education

Although I am swallowed up by tears, I feel blessed

I have a blessed life

Things could be much worse than this

Gratitude goes a long way

Even if you don’t enjoy what it is you have

At least things are not worse than this

That is why I am blessed

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Artwork of never Part 1 (p1)

Based on my, “Say goodbye to the blue”, poem.

1st picture

The moon crying tears down onto a world, causing chaos and flooding in human cities. 

2nd picture

A happy girl giving a depressed girl a key wrapped up in a pink bow as a gift with a tag that says “key to happiness”.

3rd picture

A person swimming upstream of a river filled with thorns and rocks.

4th picture

A thoughtful girl with a chess board, thinking hard about her next move, each chess piece is different; the king is a golden microphone, the queen a shopping voucher, the bishops representing two potential love choices, etc.

5th picture

The depressed girl, sailing with a hopeful smile on her face out of the river of thorns, stones and urine and into the blue sea of hopeful happiness, filled with islands all the things that could bring her joy!

6th picture

The depressed girl, no longer depressed, but happy, smiling up and waving goodbye to the blue crying moon in the distance of the shadowlands whilst she is on her island of happiness and sun!

These art pieces would take me thirty to fifty hours to produce, hence why they are the artworks of never; they are likely never to be produced.

Sad I know, but if you saw the post yesterday you’d understand why.

Happy reading!

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Say goodbye to the blue

Life is a crying game

So many tears to name

But life isn’t pain

You are just drowned in the notion, it’s all the same

You forget the joys and the happiness too

You have no clue; the key to joy is you

What do you think?

What do you know?

Why are you shadows when you should glow?

Why do you swim in the rivers of pain?

When really life is a game, you need to learn how to play!

All it takes is a different thought

Not what you’ve been taught

You have to remember yourself, be true

You’ve lost yourself and you have no clue!

Think of the opposite to what you do now

It really does work after a while, you’ll sail!

Into the sea of happiness

Into bliss away from the piss, to joy!

Oh boy – look at what is waiting for you!

Say goodbye to the blue and let’s sail!

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Overcoming my obstacles

I am taking on a lot of new challenges lately all at once, Paul thinks I shouldn’t have done so much at once or at least tried to, but it’s just me all over – in at the deep end, always.

As well as trying to do the writing deadline for the 21st October 2022, I am also trying many new things to improve my health – one major thing which is leaving me zomped, is losing my reliance on caffeine.

I have a thirty five year caffeine addiction thanks to my lazy mother, who got me into cola drinks and Lucozade around the age of 5 for convenience sake! 

As a child I was too short to get drinks for myself because the sink was too high up and she doesn’t believe in the health benefits of bought mineral water or fruit juices and didn’t want me climbing on a step to do it either, so a lot of the time I went without water and diluted fruit juice drinks – instead, she kept a cupboard low enough for me to have access to drinks and snacks for myself whenever I liked, so long as it didn’t bother her – those drinks and snacks were cans upon cans of Pepsi, cola and bottles of Lucozade, the snacks were crisps, biscuits, bite size chocolates and cakes to my little heart’s content.

When I was nine a neighbour kid I befriended taught me how to climb up on the cabinets safely, but by then I was already addicted to caffeine.

When I first moved in with Paul, Paul was horrified to discover I had an addiction to Pepsi and cola in general so much so, that I was drinking an average of 3 litres a day with three coffees on top!

That’s how bad it was!

In recent years I have bought it down to just one or three glasses per day, which is still bad, but I am fighting a thirty five year addiction here! 

On the 20th of August I decided to go cold turkey and not put coffee, cola or Pepsi to my lips at all – the result is extreme tiredness and a permanent headache as well as the general shakiness and blemish outbreak which is resulting in my detoxification process!

I guess I am cheating in a way, because I have a chocolate flavoured protein shake round twice a week, but the calories are less and so is the caffeine in comparison to what I was consuming!

Because of how crap I feel at the severely reduced caffeine intake, I have gone into a quiet depression, which is making it hard for me to be online – as I am getting tearful whenever someone is nice to me.

Basically I have been quiet on twitter because I need to get a grip!

Along with Henry being home from school until the 7th September and going cold turkey from caffeine, I have to admit, I am struggling to do anything productive whatsoever other than stare at the TV not taking in what I am watching and basically feeling in a state of exhausted shock!

I never knew that caffeine can do this to someone, when they stopped!  Emotionally I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster, I feel highly stressed, crying at the drop of a hat and generally feel like I am going to die because of the palpitations I seem to be getting since stopping the caffeine!

Why am I doing this to myself?  To get healthier!

Am I deliberately trying to put obstacles in the way of my deadline – NO!  Paul has asked me this and it is definitely a NO!

I have started to do this because Pepsi in particular is becoming far too expensive for us these days and it is that or food – plus, I am doing it because it is starting to give me stomach ache whenever I drink it!

As for my October 21st Deadline – I know I won’t make it for the graphic novel main project I am working on, because I have chosen to do the art myself for it!

The novel I will be approaching publishers for is going through what I hope to be its last draft between the 7th September and the 21st October and that is going to be my debut novel – I hope!  It is a Christmas fantasy.

I need about another three to six months to hone my art skills enough for me to be able to feel confident that I can do the art myself! 

The problem comes at the fact that each picture can take me ninety minutes to six hours to complete!

Paul said this is ridiculous, this will mean that your AD project is going to take you two years to do all the pictures you’ve got planned in this list! 

OK, I realise that, but I had the idea that if I did just one picture of each character and gave this to another artist as an idea of the style I want, then that will drastically cut the time down – won’t it?

Well that’s my reasoning behind it anyhow!

Paul is very disappointed that project AD is not going to be my first; he had hoped the second one would be D1, but it’s not that either, it’s CS, my Christmas story.

D1, I am unhappy at the ending.

AD, I want to do the art.

CS is easier to get out faster as I have no interest in doing the art for that and I just want it to be a novella.

SP is another one of my current projects, but that is even more complexed than AD and there are at least twelve novels in that series and a series of that size is not a good debut risk for any publisher!

I could send out one of my finished vampire novels by the deadline, but again, they are a huge series or rather saga series, that I don’t have time to write them fast enough to sate a publisher or agent just yet!

I could do one of my two horrors, which are standalones, but at the moment the Christmas story is fresher in my mind!

I had thought just to sate people who believe I am not really a writer, that I should just choose one of my series to post on my blog, just to show you the work and can and do, do – but then Paul said what if it turns out to have been potentially a bestseller, then you’ve shot yourself in the foot all for the sake of naysayers!

Then I thought – he’s right, they’d love that, wouldn’t they?

I did think though, about turning some of my old poems into short stories for the blog and eventually my YouTube channel as mini art movies.

That idea is actually very exciting to me!

Happy reading everyone!

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Can I be a butterfly?

The enthusiasm to talk is leaving me

The thrill to communicate is strange to me

When I open my mouth, I am shut down again

Because people kick me down so I can never mend

Joy is an alien world to me

Happiness is something I’ve never seen

Fear is a place that I call my home

Down to the dumps is the place that I roam

I fake positivity at every turn

Trying to change my life, because I yearn

To feel better things, like elation and approval

From this dim place I seek a removal

I thought I found someone who would help with that

But then it turned out they were full of scat

I am no better here than I was there

I am stuck in this situation and nobody cares

I can’t leave this place, I am too sick and I am poor

Can someone show me how to open this door?

I can’t help but feel trapped in this hell called life

I’m sorry to those who I’ve hurt if my words cut like a knife

But you promised me this and then gave me that

Every lie from your mouth pours on me like scat

I can’t keep a life that is poison to me

I am drowning in the grey toxicity

I can’t do this alone

For years I have tried

My spirit is dying… no it has died

I find it hard to feel

I find it hard to speak

I am growing every day more emotionally weak

I can’t see the horizon for all of the clouds

Surrounded by depression, suffocated by the crowds

I am feeling trapped and I need a way out

To positive thoughts I used to be devout

But now I give up

I can no longer see, the sunny situation seems far from me

I am falling fast

Am I about to fail, following the path of a better trail?

I really don’t know what I should do

I am trying to find my tribe, my encouraging crew

But then I go home

And things kick me again

Kick me down every time I think I found my zen

It is like, his only joy

Is to disappoint me, his sullen toy

Keep me alive with vague little promises

But he always forgets what a promise is

I can’t keep living this way anymore

I need to find the key to open this door

I need to get out before I drown in tears

Like Alice lost in Wonderland, only I have lost years

I need to get out and get myself a life

Because I can’t cope in this grey life of strife

It is killing me slowly

My heart is almost gone

I need to spread my wings, instead of singing swan song

This little caterpillar, needs to find her cocoon

To wrap herself up so she can bloom

Into a butterfly that she’s meant to be

Then fly into the world, happy and free

Am I really a butterfly, is that really me?

Can I become a butterfly?

Can I be free?

Clear the clouds away, so that I can see

That happiness is a place, where I can be!

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NLP and Paradoxes

I am trying to learn NLP for writers because there are times when I get so depressed I can’t function at all as a regular human being let alone a writer, no matter how much I love writing.

I know what causes my depression, many people say they don’t know why they are like that, but I am not one of them, I know the reason for my depression and it is three main things.

The major thing is loneliness, I find it hard to find like-minded people like me, I am desperate to be amongst my soul tribe but like a vicious circle that depression is – I don’t want to go out when my depression is really bad, yet going out will help me find the people I need to get me out of it.  It’s a funny old thing really.

I haven’t written a word in two days because of depression. 

I have always been trapped in paradoxes of one kind or another.

People say that life is a lesson; it seems to me mine is to overcome multiple paradoxes or find a way out of them.

So, that is why I am trying NLP.

NLP has helped me with other problems in my life and so it is hard to find another thing to do to help me write.  I thought about brushing my hair as I love people playing with my hair, it’s a really pleasurable feeling, but then I thought – hey I am using something akin to this to stop my trichotillomania and like a true blooming paradox, when this has been working for nearly two years now, life has given me alopecia due apparently to the effects of long Covid!

Then I thought about stroking my neck as that’s another thing I like, but then I thought to myself, no, what if a lover was to do that to me – will that eventually mean I will be running off to write instead of getting myself right into the throes of passion?  Can’t be doing that!

I don’t want to resort to a food or a beverage as a pleasurable experience in order to write, because that would limit my favorite food or beverage and I never know how long resources would last – you see, as much as I like to think of the world in a positive light – I still have a girl guides mentality of “be prepared” basically, I live in paranoia of some kind of societal collapse – an apocalypse if you must call it that!

I did think about blackberry jelly as there is an abundance of wild blackberries growing locally to me and in my own garden, you can get twenty pounds in my garden alone if you only had a thin path in it and nothing else – I know, it was overgrown to that extent once!  But then blackberry jelly isn’t very healthy, with all that sugar to be having daily and sugar is known to make me more hyperactive!

There are other things I can think of to give me small pleasures without worrying about the effects of it outside of writing, but those would include the help of other people and the people in my life at the moment… I hate to say it they aren’t very cooperative on a consistent basis.  I had thought, a nice back massage before writing would be just the trick, but no, it’s just not doable!

I don’t want to sound tragic, but most people find their pleasures in happy memories and hold onto those thoughts and feelings whilst doing NLP and a different memory does different things… I don’t have many happy memories spare.

Sorry, but my life so far has been an unhappy one and it makes me feel like you are all going to judge me for being a doom and gloomy type of person – but actually I am one of the most positive people out there… I know, people have told me so… in fact they’ve accused me of Pollyanna syndrome because I am likely to try and pretend everything is alright.  My poker face represents the painfully big smiles of some kind of happy clappy holiday camp rep.

I am constantly double thumbs upping people with a huge happy grin, with my pain in my eyes and heart and saying “everything is great, this can be done, life is wonderful of course it is”!

I have even been asked to become a life coach because of it, but I think of the paradox again – I haven’t got my own shit together yet, it would be a lie for my clients and I can’t lie to them that my life is really all that great!

I know one thing that would help me write, but at the moment I can’t afford it and that is a dog!  I used to write prolifically when I lived with my parents because a dog was always right next to me or licking my feet, I like my feet being licked… now that sounds a bit weird, but there you go!  Simple pleasures!

Would it be too weird to ask people to lick my feet so I can write?  I think it would… but there you go!

I am trying to find something suitable, something that can give me pleasure on a solo level and without sex, food or drink!

Perhaps I should find a favorite perfume and use that only for writing and spray it on a nearby cloth?  I love perfumes, violets, orchids, or sweet spices or those with undertones of patchouli.  However, I tend to like limited edition perfumes or those that go out of branding. 

I used to regularly buy Lady Gaga’s perfume FAME but then it seems out of stock in town all the while and online it seems 600% more expensive than I remember!

I will update you on what I’ve decided to do to enhance my writing via NLP, because right now I haven’t a clue!

Happy reading everyone!

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ADHD writer?

I realised for years I said I was hypoactive but really it’s hyperactive – didn’t know they were two very different things!  I certainly don’t have any problem with my sex drive, not that you’d be interested anyway – but, there you go!

Why am I babbling on about this?  Because I wanted it to be clear that I have a hyperactive mind and when my body allows it a hyperactive body too!  Because of this I find it hard to concentrate on things for longer than fifteen to twenty five minutes a time – a long stretch for me – in fact, even ten minutes occasionally is stretching the boundaries of what I can do!

I have to change tasks or I suppose they call it fidget, if I am made to do something for longer than fifteen minutes.

When I am writing – anything, no matter how my flow is or not, I have to stand up randomly, dance whilst writing and even sing!  I need a lot of stimulus all the time when I am writing, but preferably nothing that means I need to communicate with others verbally.  For example, I need music or I need background television turned on something akin to what I am trying to write. 

I will pause as I write and make notes, I will observe the wildlife through a nearby window and I will pet my pets.  After around fifteen minutes of writing, I will check social media and stay there for around ten minutes before hopping back into writing, sometimes quite literally!

I am going to buy a standard desk and put it next to my sitting desk and have the laptop and my desktop on at the same time, so that eventually I can update my cloud with my stories on them and get up from the desk and use the laptop and type whilst standing up – this would benefit my health immensely, whilst catering to my ADHD.

In between writing and social media there are two or three online games I play whilst taking a break from those – such as ovipets.com, candy crush and paper Io.

Sometimes when I get physically jittery, I will randomly get up and walk around the garden once and come back to writing. 

I basically just can’t sit on my buns all day and write; fifteen minutes can sometimes be torture!

On days when my main isn’t so bad, I become really hyperactive as a writer and can write in excess of 4k words in that day and sometimes I have been known to reach 12k in a day!

But these days only tend to happen when my physical pain is significantly low for the day!

I get a lot of people who disbelieve that I can do this, that I can push out more than two thousand words in a day, especially when as far as they are concerned they think I haven’t left twitter for hours!  When in actuality, I have it opened on a tab on my computer and I am only really going back and forth from twitter approximately every fifteen minutes sometimes more, because I get side-tracked with games and other things too!

I just needed this to get out there… I need people to know just how I do things, because it is frustrating that nobody seems to believe me at times.

What makes it worse is my memory.

I endeavour every day to post a word count list, but I often forget to do this and I even forget to add the hand written notes and the laptop additions I do at night after I have shut social media down. 

I am even forgetting to update my goodreads.com account regularly these days, because I am so absorbed in reading and writing and then after two weeks I’ve added that I have read three books seemingly over night, when in fact it was over the two week period!

I am all over the place, I seem disorganised and frantic, but actually I feel quite serene, happy and I am a pedant in organising things – it’s just other people who don’t respect my stuff and move things, that cause chaos in my life!  I am incredibly OCD about things and it drives me nuts living in a house where someone is not meticulous like me and will throw a spanner in my neat and tidy works!

I had spent three weeks once re-arranging all of my books alphabetically and within certain genres around the house, for people to want to browse through my books and dump them wherever they like; same for my DVDs.

I have a pile of papers next to my desk and when I am in bed asleep, as my sleeping schedule is anywhere between 3am and 1pm, usually 5am to 11am if I am honest – I find that someone has opened a window in the living room near my desk and the papers have been blown everywhere and they’ve tried to save my work by not looking at the page numbers and randomly compiling them together again, with a shoe print on one or two and then they wonder why I get mad!

Sometimes a note will blow away without me realising it and ends up under the sofa for months and things like this or little files I have in another room get knocked over by people and they fall out their little plastic pockets and behind a dusty old cabinet and nobody has told me they couldn’t be bothered to rescue it and I find it weeks later covered in spider poo.

It’s hard to be a writer here with that going on, it’s even harder when you have ADHD, OCD and another problem I don’t have a name for, when you’ve found your stuff being disrespected like that you get so upset and disheartened you can’t bring yourself to work that day because you have to try and clean it all up and retype it or cry yourself back to sleep because you fell into a depressive nap.  Whatever that mental problem is, I have that too!

So there you have it, that’s how I work.

I can’t help it and I have tried to change, but its impossible.

Thanks for reading! 

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Filed under About my work

The untold grief

My recent poems are because I miss various friends who were involved with drink, drugs, which lead to crime and depression which lead to suicide or lead them losing their natural spirit entirely because they were absorbed too much in the darkness of the life they got into; many didn’t get into it by choice, I might add, some were viciously coerced and in some cases were literally beaten into taking various substances which hooked them.

I have lost a lot of great people and there is a big hollow in my heart, people who never experienced this kind of loss couldn’t possibly understand how close this is to actual grief of the death of a loved one, only they aren’t dead – physically.  It is something that is hard to explain and in my experience, there is very little help out there for people who are experiencing this type of grief.

If you are someone who is addicted to substances and you are tired of your loved ones constantly nagging you about your life, please take into consideration that they are hurting too and they miss the old you! You won’t realise it, but you’ve changed and it’s like you’ve died to them and got replaced – it’s hard to get over, especially as there is no professional help for people with this kind of loss – not to my knowledge. Please understand their point of view…

Thanks for reading.

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Filed under About my work

Mr Sunshine

You was my sunshine, your smiles were big and bright

But then you went and played with fools and took away my light

Your happiness spreads like the flu

I really, really miss the old you

But you went and played with those fools and now I’m in the dark

I dream of a time when you come back

Find your path off that beaten track

And back into my arms where you belong

So there is a happy ending to my song

I need you now and I need you true

I am really lost without you

You’re my sunshine in the rain

How I wish you come back again

Oh Mr Sunshine how I need you

You haven’t  even got a clue hoo

How I need you in my life

Guess I see you in the afterlife

It’s a shame you was so bright

But now your smiles are like the night

I feel bad for you

Without the light what can I do?

Mr Sunshine you were my friend

Some would say my godsend

You bought me hope when I was down

You turned my smiles upside down

And then you went to play with fools

Right on after you left your school

You became a DJ and forgot your spirit

I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t hear it

You kept on with the moon and crack

How I really want you back

But you are gone now and away from me

I really, really want to see

My Mr Sunshine again

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A moment or seven

When the world is cold and grey, I try to think another way

I think of rainbows, I think of hearts

I think of bunny rabbits and parks

I think of sunshine, whilst it rains

I think that life is just a game

I don’t dwell on gloom and glum

For bad thoughts are not my chums

I train myself almost everyday

To learn to think this other way

Though it is hard, but it can be done

I should know, for I once lacked sun

I dwelt in darkness and pity and shame

That’s something I won’t do again

But let it be known that my poems can be dark

But that’s just because I know the flowerless park

I have been there, but it doesn’t mean I dwell within it

I am here to teach you, how to spin it

Right around, so you can know

How to bring sunshine to melt the snow

So, when you are feeling down in the dumps

Don’t lean back upon your stump and think of woe is me, for I am woed

Just think of teddy bears dressed in gold

Think of strong arms lifting you up and think of things to cheer you up

Don’t sit and think about the pain or else you will get soaked in rain

Run around with your spirit free; think of all the happiness and glee

It’s your mind you’ve got to train!

Even if you don’t remember it, just sit back and then invent it

What will make you happy today?  Now don’t get sarcastic make it pure and true

What would you have if you could make anew?

What sings to your soul and makes you vibrant?

Then go to that place in your head, be a migrant!

Because you won’t get better if you intend to dwell on all the things that makes life hell!

Only you can find your heaven

Just think about it for a moment or seven

Think about it until it’s true

Don’t let depression rule over you!

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