For the past few weeks my brain has been more than just a tad topsy-turvy.
I have been suffering from insomnia for years but since around November my insomnia has got far worse, sleeping an average of just four hours a day and it really is day time sleeping too – often getting to sleep around 8am to wake up around noon.
It feels so alien and wrong to me, I have never been one who likes to sleep and I have never been one who accepts people who sleep-in; I am one of those people who generally have little respect for people who sleep in bed past 10am (even on a Sunday)and here I am, doing just that! In fact, before I got sick, I was disgusted by people who couldn’t get out of bed by 8:30am!
But there you go, things change and not always for the better!
For me it is inconvenient to be asleep during the day because Henry is at school and whilst I am fighting with my insomnia and sleeping whilst he is at school it means I am practically getting nothing done at all for weeks now!
No reading, hardly much writing, no art yet, listening to music, not much meditation or conversation, not much of anything.
When I am awake I am tired to the extent of feeling faint most of the time that all I am able to do is sit and stare and try to maintain consciousness.
So if the quality of the writing in my blog has been really bad lately, you now know why!
Last night was an exception for me considering these past few weeks, I managed to get to sleep by 2:30am and wake up around 10am, which is amazing considering what’s happened sleep wise for the past two months!
I’ve done more in these three hours today, than I have for the whole of last week!
If anybody out there knows me, they know that one thing I can’t stand more than sleepy heads, is people who waste their time by choosing to do nothing!
I have a huge intolerance for time wasting, unless it’s purely for relaxation, recuperation or fun!
I am easily frustrated by myself if I find I am not being productive in at least something – it doesn’t have to consistently be the same one thing, as long as I am being productive in something! Such as cleaning, reading, honing a skill, writing, socialising, exercising, bonding with a pet, gardening or keeping my brain sharp with a strategy or puzzle game. Anything which doesn’t contribute to some kind of betterment in the future, or productivity is a waste of time! Unless as I have said, it is for fun or recuperation – this is where TV and music comes into play for me.
Because for me, the TV and music can be very productive, even though I might just be sitting and watching or sitting and listening, because not only am I relaxing and having fun, it adds to the stimulus for ideas to be creatively productive in the future or a form of research – this is something non creative people can never understand!
Though even watching TV these days is a task not worth fighting for as I can never watch anything in full without being disturbed or someone randomly coming over and turning the channel without asking if I am watching it and to fight to keep it on is not worth it and too much energy! I live with selfish people who don’t care and are stronger minded than I am, so they walk all over me!
The idea of sitting down and doing nothing in a brainless manner, even for relaxation has never really made sense to me; Paul does it all the time, he sits down sometimes for hours and I ask him what he is thinking about and it is always the same answer “nothing”, I don’t get it!
Even when I meditate I never go into that state of “no mind” so I suppose then by meditation standards I am doing it all wrong? But I just can’t seem to grip the state of “no mind” relaxation. For me, when I relax I suppose it’s a sort of astral travel? I am wondering round in the throes of my mind in forests, having conversations with people, thinking deeply about anything and often find myself doing the things in my head that I would like to do physically if only!
When I was bedbound sick, you have no idea how crazy it made me just sitting in bed all day every day for so many years just existing as it appeared to me to just suffer!
I exist purely for germs, was my everyday thought – to give life to infectious little bugs as a host and nothing more. As dramatic as it seems, that’s how I felt!
Sickness, procrastination and doing nothing, is highly inconvenient for me – as is sleep, going to the toilet and travelling in a car, because of the little activities I can do during those times! Time wasting, can’t stand it!
Yet I’ve done it so much over the past eight years whilst recuperating from ill-health and you have no idea how much guilt I put on myself for it either!
The only time that time wasting is ok for me, is in pleasurable pursuits, then I can waste lots of time doing those things! I am a hedonist after all!
But yes, time wasting is my biggest frustration in life and the idea that my health and now insomnia is getting in the way of so much I want to do, life is short as well – is there any wonder why I am often finding myself suicidal?
I wasn’t suicidal before I got sick, in fact I used to be scared of death – but since being ill and lonely, I often crave it now, in fact some days, on bad days, I want to run towards it!
It’s a huge contrast to how I used to be when I lived with my mother, I wanted to be immortal, wanted to become rich enough to invest in discovering the immortal elixir of life and silly ideas like that!
Rich enough to put in research to life extending sciences!
It’s funny now how I don’t think this way anymore, how I just want to fade away because my body insists on being a time wasting shit head, a bum – I don’t like being a bum – don’t respect bums and hate being one, but I am one and you have no idea how much I loathe it and I am fighting against the odds to stop being one!
But the thing is, there is only so much you can do with four hours sleep and a compromised immune system and an NHS system that constantly fails to support you and poverty to boot!
There comes a time when you think about just giving up…
It’s exhausting trying to fight for the little freedoms of everyday life which almost everyone else seems to take for granted!
Those little things other people take for granted, are just mere dreams to me right now.
Thanks for reading!