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The fool tried

Slimy wet rose upon white bone was held within his hands

Freshly skinned skull staring back at him from his palms with hollowed eyes

The smell of victory abounds

The sounds of mortal screams echoed all around

He stood proud and tall and that wasn’t all

His victims heart had only just stopped – the fool

Fool to think he could do him down

That he could win the war

But he showed this fool he was wrong and his heart is now on the floor

Too many have suffered the same fate

But many believe they are strong

And now they lie in a deathly sleep

And their families mourn their song

A pile of skin by the killer’s feet is a sentiment of his fate

For one should not believe they can burn the devil’s gate

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The speed of thought

I wish my brain could make my body work in the same pace as its imaginations; I’d be prolific, drowning in art work and stories and it would be amazing – but no, it is never going to happen!

I think about too much and so little actually gets physically manifested because my daydreams are lightning fast.

I really meant it when I have said in previous posts, I don’t suffer from artist or writers block, I suffer from artist and writers overload!

You have no idea that in every poem I write and post on the blog, there are three or more pieces of art that are not being produced to go with it, because I can’t paint that fast!

Every painting I have done in the past takes an average of three hours, but anywhere between ninety minutes and six maybe even seven hours a time!  That’s just one piece of art!

You have no idea how much I wish everything I think of would physically manifest, the exacting art ideas I have, the exact stories, the exact movies, the exact music and the exact songs – but I manage to physically manifest so little of it, because of lack of time and speed ability, in fact I don’t even believe I produce a whole 1%.

You have no idea how I am obsessed with my imagination and how it consumes my daily life to the extent that I often forget to live in reality!

Paul is both a blessing and a curse for this, because he will happily allow me to be consumed by it all, whilst feeding me and keeping me as comfortable as he can – but he doesn’t like to interfere with my daydreams AT ALL!  It scares me when he dies someday, it scares me because I am so consumed by it all that if he were to die tomorrow, I might die a few weeks later because I will forget to feed myself, I will forget to live and he doesn’t shake me out of it, like others have done in the past and I have told him – that could be dangerous, but he doesn’t take it seriously.

I wish he would, because I am quite serious – I would forget to live when he dies, especially when he dies, because the more I grieve or the more stressed I am, the more I lock myself away and go into what I call an “astral travelling adventure” where I am quite literally channelling through my body to write or paint, and often I don’t hear or feel anything in that state, once in it. 

It is hard to get into that state initially if there is discord around the house, but if I go into it before the arguments and ructions start, I can’t hear it… its weird and I doubt I am making sense to those who don’t experience the same as I do.

There are times when Paul wants to feed me, where he knows I can’t hear him or see him, no matter what he does, but he touches me and like a sleepwalker I am literally shocked back into reality and have a little panic attack and calm down and then he tells me that dinner is ready.

It really is like that for me.

Sometimes I thought I should cheat.  I should write my poems and then explain what the art should have been, but probably would never get done by me.  Just so I can show you more.  But then I thought; you wouldn’t understand what I am trying to achieve or understand why I would do that, so should I bother?

I’d really like to paint at least one poem a week, for my YouTube channel that will start at the end of the year.  I could paint a picture a day, anything up to seven pictures in time for the vlog, but that is probably all I could do.  I couldn’t do anymore art, if I did that without it affecting my stories and sleep time.

Paul likes the idea but also he is a realist and he believes that it would hugely affect how much writing I will produce.

He knows I love art more than writing, but he loves my writing more than my art.  He hasn’t experienced much of my music, so he has no opinion on that.

 I really do wish that I could physically produce all that I think about at the same speed as my thoughts.

Happy reading!

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The untold grief

My recent poems are because I miss various friends who were involved with drink, drugs, which lead to crime and depression which lead to suicide or lead them losing their natural spirit entirely because they were absorbed too much in the darkness of the life they got into; many didn’t get into it by choice, I might add, some were viciously coerced and in some cases were literally beaten into taking various substances which hooked them.

I have lost a lot of great people and there is a big hollow in my heart, people who never experienced this kind of loss couldn’t possibly understand how close this is to actual grief of the death of a loved one, only they aren’t dead – physically.  It is something that is hard to explain and in my experience, there is very little help out there for people who are experiencing this type of grief.

If you are someone who is addicted to substances and you are tired of your loved ones constantly nagging you about your life, please take into consideration that they are hurting too and they miss the old you! You won’t realise it, but you’ve changed and it’s like you’ve died to them and got replaced – it’s hard to get over, especially as there is no professional help for people with this kind of loss – not to my knowledge. Please understand their point of view…

Thanks for reading.

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Lamentations of a vampire

Don’t be a martyr to your pain dear

It’s not a pretty sight

No awards will be granted to you

You are just a nuisance to the night

A necessary consumption, though indeed you’re inconvenient

The blood sustains immortals I suppose we must be lenient?

I see samples from your neck; do not dare to stain my frock

I can’t stay up all night cleaning; I have to watch the clock

For when the cock crows it won’t be pretty

And I for one should know

That the sunlight isn’t friendly, it really is a foe

But do you need to grumble and whimper and then die?

Why can’t you live forever, like a continuous supply?

Hah, I suppose you could if I let you

But then you’d compete with me

I do not like to share my food, I eat it completely

Oh there you go, softer you cry

Your life is fading well

I just wished the other ones won’t scream at first, it’s Hell

It gets tedious when you know, how each and every one of you will go

But I need your blood its true, yes, I should know

How lonely the night is now you have to go

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Things you shouldn’t say to a vampire!

I like you, up to a point!

You’re a bloody nuisance!

Fancy a steak?

Bite me!

Fangs for the memories

You need to go out and catch some sun!

You’ve got bats in the belfry!

Have you seen yourself lately?

Whatchya fancy to eat?

Once bitten twice shy!

Stick it to the man!

I want a shish kebab

I think I’m bleeding!

Bloody Hell!

Fancy a bloody Mary?

I’m cross with you!

Have you ever been baptised?

You’re my wing man!

Occasionally I find you a bit loopy!

You look like death warmed up!

You’re cold hearted!

Amorte!  “to death in Italian”

Should I open the curtains and get a bit of sun in here?

Do you fancy a nibble?

You suck!

Lap it up!

You’re very hypnotic

Blood is thicker than water!

You’re my battle companion! 

It’s of a grave concern

Tomb it may concern! 

I love you to death!

I’m going to break your heart!

Neck and neck!

You’re pulling on my heartstrings!

I’m bored to death!

Upon reflection isn’t a sigh of relief for you to know that my vampire stories aren’t comedies!  My vampires are part of my dark fantasy and horror works, they were not meant to be humorous, but me being me, I can’t help but think of fun things regarding my vampires from time to time – but this stuff doesn’t really belong too much in my personal vampire series. 

I have thought about having a separate comedy vampire series I’d like to write, but I really am unsure of taking that plunge due to the amount jokes already in the genre – many I have used above!

Thanks for reading!

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The vulgar subject

People sometimes ask me if I ever became successful, what would I spend my money on? 

I have answers to that, but first I want to ask why do people believe that just because someone has become rich for whatever reason, that for the rest of their lives all they will ever do is try to spend it and that they must and often do so? 

It’s just puzzling, because for me, I have known rock bottom poverty and the idea of squandering money when I get it, is not something that I am comfortable with!  Though saying that, I do resent having money when I know someone else is suffering and I tend to give generously when I do have it – never privately, I do it through charities and campaigns, because I wasn’t always poor you know?

It’s a weird thing about life and me, my relationship with money has always been boom and bust to both extremes.

Now for what I tend to do when I get lucky.  I tend to gift people I haven’t been generous to for a while, such as close friends and family if it is a special occasion and I tend to splash out on a nice group meal either cooked at home or out.

My next tendency is to buy things to improve my pets quality of life and things for my garden; then books in my “to buy list” and then little curios from spirituality shops, like crystals, mythological ornaments, tarot cards and Feng shui specific things.

I reckon if I won the lottery in life or literally win the lottery, my ideas would be to get myself a bigger menagerie of pets (domestic and small farm ones only) and a property with a lot of land so I can practically live outdoors in my edible forest garden, whilst playing with crystals and tarot cards and making miniature worlds with miniaturisation hobbies, I can never afford to get into currently.  I love miniatures!

I am also with Henry in the idea of all these train sets, purely for the joy of making miniature worlds for the trains to go through and little towns scattered here and there – if I had the room and the money! 

I don’t intend to grow up, I am and always will be childish and playful and for me its bills first, then fun then education then I will contemplate other grown up things like clothing and furniture. 

Weirdly enough, clothing is something that is way down on the list, despite my love for fashion!  I love fashion, but only if it’s not too expensive and only if it’s comfortable and I like it – comfort is essential above everything else, I don’t like to suffer whilst looking good!  I do like big brand names like Moschino and Alexander McQueen, but I look at the price tag and I think… well… don’t be stupid, the amount of beautiful giant crystals I could get with that or a lovely playhouse for the rabbit in the garden for the summer, or Henry a lovely trip at Severn Valley and yet another Hornby trainset special edition I could buy instead!

I’ve never understood the people who say enjoy your life, spend 10k on a dress and get yourself a yacht and go on five holidays a year mind-set!   A yacht would be wasted on me as I get home sick after five days away, after two weeks of being away I have more or less rooted myself elsewhere and don’t want to go back.  It’s the gypsy in me; my maternal grandmother was half Romany, hence the love for crystals and tarot –she taught me when I was 7yrs old – they say don’t teach kids that before that age as they are not strong enough to fend off spirits who may try to make changelings out of them!

This is the same grandma who watched horror movies with me and wrestling, as I was growing up – she was a cool gran, but completely and utterly non-domestic, couldn’t cook to save her life, in fact she’d daren’t cook, it was safer not to!  A complete anomaly to her gypsy roots, where every woman polished their brasses daily and knew umpteen recipes off by heart!

But I think the most lavish thing my money would ever be spent on is lots of temporary homes everywhere I am likely to visit regularly, just so I don’t get home sick, if that makes sense? 

The second elaborate thing would be 5k on giant crystals or getting a new pony or a goat, but other than that – I am pretty simple in my hopes and dreams for life.

All I really want is The Garden Of Eden; a lot of love from lots of close relationships, good food, lots of snuggles with animals and wildlife in the garden, freedom to be myself and peace.

Once I have that, I will feel in paradise and I won’t need to die.

I’m a natures child who is very kooky, playful, childish, sensitive, have too much love to give and who needs a garden of organic edible wonder, an animal enthusiast and a tardy creative, because I get side-tracked in my daydreams.  But I am also fierce and passionate and I hate injustice and ignorance and I was the kid who got beaten up because she saved the other ones who weren’t strong enough by taking the blows for them – that’s me, nothing more and nothing less!

Happy reading!

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If I die I would have blown it

The world is such a painful place to live in

But I do not welcome death

Though I threat and say I’ll do things

I fight for every breath

Though suicide has occurred to me

I will never do it

Because a fresh start could always happen

If I die I would have blown it

The memories I have are sad, violent, awful and cruel

I don’t like them, but they made me a better person – invincible

I cry for others who hurt me, but really my tears are blood

I wish I could cry a river and drown them in a flood

Though I sigh at my drama and I sigh at the hate

I remind myself of their ignorance and ignorance makes mistakes

Do I care and love them?  Sometimes it’s hard to tell

With these thoughts am I saved or am I doomed to Hell?

I laugh at the wonder, I cry for the unlearned

I wander into darkness and dream of a world upturned

Realities are shifting into worse or better things?

I don’t know this moment, but a new life I am yearning

Though the shadow of death always follows me

I walk away from it in hope of finding glee

I dance on the edge of the shadows of death

Because I keep on fighting to keep my life and breath

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Singing rose of the night

You are like a black rose

You are dark and intriguing

But I dare not to touch

For you may prickle me with your thorns

And hurt me so much

I watch from a distance as you creep along

Watching the moonlight

Singing your songs

I follow your footsteps in the shadows you go

I keep on watching

Though it brings me much woe

For I can never have you

For your thorns, they do sting

But I cannot help listening

To your voice that does sing

I love you so much

Rose of the night

I am in love with you

My heart I cannot fight

I dream that some day

You will fade away

So I can stop feeling in this helpless way

Maybe I will die

May I won’t?

But I hope that I will forget you

I’ll go mad if I don’t

I need to think about an escape

A place to go

Away from your shape

I need to try and forget all about you

For I love you and you don’t have a clue

It is too much

To watch you each night

My heart it keeps going

I cannot fight

I will starve to death

Watching you all the while

How do you do this to me?

Your haunting style…

I am thin and I am shrinking

I am fading away

Because watching you sing

Makes me feel happy and gay

I am locked in this bliss

I know you are bad

But I cannot leave you

That would make me sad

I keep watching you

Singing to the moonlight

I cannot leave

I cannot fight…

I am weak now

I cannot follow

Your shadows have gone

I can only wallow

In the tears and the sorrow

That you have now gone

Because I am now dying and can’t follow your song

I lay here in wait

For you to come back

But death has a hold

The night fades to black

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Minor surgery in July and a caution…

I am having minor surgery in the last week of July, so for around three days I may not be quite myself – I don’t do well under anaesthetic, so unless I have scheduled posts for then, I might be quiet at the end of July and beginning of August.

I have breathing problems and being on my back can worsen this, because of my sinus issues and the fact that it is likely to be the hottest time of the year too – meaning, I don’t breathe well in the summer anyway… so I am more than a little worried about even such a minor procedure like what I am having… I don’t want to discuss what I am having done, but it is enough for me to go under general, it is worrying.

But because I have been in a state of apathy for the last eight years about being alive, I kind of have a MEH attitude to whether or not it’s serious or not.  In other words, I am not entirely out of the woods for being suicidal, so if I die during it, I don’t care… but I care about the poor doctor who is having me under the knife and I care for my son who will be left behind, because he can’t cope with life at the moment as it is and has been needing a lot of mental health charities himself to get him through the year so far.

So it’s not the matter that I don’t want to die on the table – it’s the matter of, I don’t want people to suffer when I do.

This sets me apart from those people who readily curse others in their lives – it’s not the person you hate that gets the brunt end of that sort of thing – it’s the collateral damage left behind after you succeed with it, with other people in their lives, who you have hurt with your actions!

Think about that…

Karma will balance you out; based on what you do and how many people are affected positively or negatively with what you have done!

It’s not just between you and your victim, you know?

Happy reading…

P.S this is just one or two predicted surgeries for the coming year.

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The irony of darkness

Yeah, as I know suffering I walk in the shadows of the valley of death

I fear no evil, for with them I have coalesced

I have sold my soul and without shame

I will never feel the light, not ever again

My dignity outstanding though my soul may burn

A freedom is wanted, no it is earned

A freedom of the stress of being pure

Of being a good one I cannot endure

A life of passion and greed without shame

I turned from the light but am I to blame?

I happy here in the darkness I dwell

Don’t try to save me – that would be Hell!

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