Tag Archives: dark

Fear

I am exhausted by your fears

I feel them as deep as my own

There is nothing to worry about

Courage you should hone

I won’t bite your head off

Or throw away your dreams

Fear makes everything, not what it seems!

Don’t trust the fear that is deep within your heart

Fear is only there, to keep you in the dark!

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Rock or metal? Whatever!

I feel like a vampire rock chick today, feel half gothic, half rock chick.

I have black jeans which is something but I want them ripped – not doing that to the pair I’ve got!

But I haven’t got what I really want today and that is a black jean jacket with red roses embroidered on it.  I have the white cami with a lace trim which is good, I can’t find my bike chain necklaces unfortunately or my SLAYER brooch and the box containing my heeled boots I bought a couple of years back but never wore is also lost!

I also had a box of cheap costume jewellery rings, again lost.

That’s the thing with this house; it tends to eat things and regurgitates them back up again a few months later in a sorry state usually!

I also haven’t got any decent make up; I want to wear red lipstick today and who the blazes has nicked my crimper?

I shouldn’t say rock chick really when I am listening to my vampire metal playlist – because the songs I am listening to are metal version of Vivaldi and O Fortuna with the occasional Marilyn Manson… don’t ask – just don’t ask!  It’s one of those days!

It’s also one of those days where I am concentrating a lot on vampires, dark poetry and general dark stuff and a little erotica with it too!

If I have days like these I must use it to those genres – I can’t force myself to focus on Project AD or Steampunk 1 when days like that happen – I have to go with my flow or to put it mildly, I will get fuck all done for ages!

And yes…. Seeing me head banging is productive because it gets me into the mood for a scene I want to write, lol – it’s that or I am banging  my head against the flipping writing desk!  Your choice!

Thanks for reading!

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Puzzling techy stuff

I wasted nearly two hours last night trying to create a new blog for free on WordPress, here thinking it would be as easy as setting up my current blog – it isn’t.  I found out my current theme is outdated and no longer available, I skimmed through about thirty other themes and they are too complicated for me!

Not easy to set up and control pages or colour scheme or do pictures, I make a post and its vanished from the face of the Earth to goodness knows where and then I find it everywhere and then I can’t find it again when I go looking.

I don’t understand the need for things to be so complicated!

I wanted another blog separate to this so I could become even more personal about my past and other things without it tarnishing my creative aspects of this blog or my transition and motivational aspects.

A few months I did try and suggest you can find another blog at blogger, but nobody transitioned to it and I had it up for a week and was actively daily.  When I saw nobody was even clicking on my content I wondered what the point was in having it?

I have regular emails from people who are curious about learning more about my past in more depths, so I thought trying to open up another WordPress site would be good – I have to say I am frustrated and have given up again for the second time in four months!

I didn’t want this blog to get more profound about my past, because there are sensitive people who read it and I notice I lose followers when things get too dark!

I did originally start this blog as a short story blog or writing snippets and sneak peaks of my work, but then it moved onto a therapy thing for me I actually didn’t mean for it to become a method of creative promotion.

I had planned to do another blog later on when I had something cooking at the publishers – but never meant to really do it here.  But it turned out that way over a time.

I also never took poetry seriously even at the beginning of the blogs life – I did a few tongue in cheek poems in a year, but never realised it would take over like it had and that short stories would become non-existant and deleted like now.

I had thought about making the more personal stuff part of the subscription offer, in order to keep it away from more sensitive eyes – but again – there is the learning of the technological aspect of it to get around and I am not very tech smart and I find learning about it boring and I find trying to do new techy things incredibly irritating and it makes me a bit… you know… I suppose aggressive because I feel like an idiot.

What is worse is I have had patient people try to teach me online how to do things, but I am so thick it doesn’t sink in!

But I really need to talk more about my past and that as I need to get things behind me and the only way I can do that is by sharing.

I don’t want to adversely affect my current followers by bringing in even more darkness to the blog.

I had thought about creating a new page for it, but I don’t know how I can make it update there without it coming up on the home page latest section, if you get me?

It’s all rather puzzling for me.

Thanks for reading!

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Paranoia

Too many eyes

Too many tongues

Too many heads this way turn

Too many secrets

And many lies

Why do their stares burn?

What’s the problem?

What have I done?

Why do their eyes burn me like the sun?

Why do they whisper and play these games?

And who are they?

What are their names?

Too many questions

None have revealed

How can I hide?

How can I shield?

What do they want?

What do they know?

Why are they doing this?

I want to know!

The eyes talk

But not a lot

Why am I burned?  Why are their eyes hot?

Too much mystery

Too many clouds

Some voices are quiet

And others loud

Some drive me mad

Some make me sad

But ultimately why do they look so bad?

What do they see when they look at me?

It is all such a big dark mystery…

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I am everything or a rainbow

Above is a picture I took a few days ago – the lighting is not good and no its not filtered. Definitely seeing the weight loss in my face, in my opinion.

That’s face yoga for you!

I’d like to show another updated full-length picture of me but people are not patient with me when I need them to shoot me… I mean take my picture so I bought a full-length mirror – now I have to probably wait six months for Paul to put it up on the wall for me so I can shoot myself – I mean do selfies.

The other day I shared a dream about how I want to look and I told you all that I regard it with embarrassment a bit – that’s true, but what I failed to tell you all is that even with that I dither at times.

Most the time I want the platinum/white hair and to dress how I like in rainbows, fluff and pinks – but there is another side of me.

Sometimes, though not often, I want to be the strong looking athletic brunette with a long French plait, good toned arms, but stockier than the image I have about the platinum/white haired version of me.  Sometimes in the brunette form I have in my mind, I would wear a crown braid and I would mostly wear black jeans and a white tank top, everything toned. 

I like both ideas and I know which one is easier to become, it’s the secondary one.  I could never really shape or mould such a muscle dense body such as this into the body shape of the platinum/white haired dream.

However, the brunette version of me I only ever really think about once a week – so I don’t like it as much as I do the platinum/white version I have in mind, also the vampire/dark side in me prefers the brunette.

The purpose of the photo was to show you what I look like and what you think would suit me best?

Why did I mention this?  Because today is a brunette day – a big contrast to yesterday where for about half a day I wanted rainbow coloured hair, glittery make up and rainbow dungarees for some weird reason!

I think though it had something to do with the “Who am I” meditation I did, because one thing was clear to me in the meditation – I was the warm sun on a rainy sunny day and what happens on rainy warm sunny days like those?  Rainbows…

I felt both dark and light all at once, good and evil all at once and what do you get when you mix dark and light whilst holding crystals in your hand?  That’s right… rainbows!

So I am everything or a rainbow… I am still not very sure just of yet!

I didn’t share everything I said I was in my meditation yesterday as a lot I was embarrassed about – such as being a rainbow and other weird things like that! 

I very nearly cut out the sex but then I remembered that you all know I am a nympho anyway! 

I don’t think I can make up my mind what I want to look like between the two – my sensibilities tells me go with the one I want the most and think about the most and that would be the white/platinum me – but that is the hardest path to tread in moulding my body naturally.

I’ve mentioned before, in my adult life I find it hard to be lighter than 180 pounds because of muscle mass – I used to do weight lifting when I was younger I just can’t get below 180.  I gain muscle really fast and it is scary what I will look like if I hit the weights again – I really need one on one advice which I am hoping to start at the end of the month at the local gym.

It seems logical then to go with the secondary choice as I don’t think my body shape once I’ve reached my goal would suit a white/platinum woman in Barbiecore clothing, would it?

Oh I don’t know, this is exactly the reason why I was in the TPE lifestyle (total power exchange), the man in my life makes those decisions for me!  LOL

Thanks for reading

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Filed under About Me, Defining myself, Who am I today?

Who?

Who broke humanity with their pride?

Who fed us poisoned apples with lies?

Who keeps within the shadows dark?

Who waits till humanity has torn itself apart?

Who was thrown from the heavens for their disgrace?

Who scratches and tears at the human face?

Who is the one who causes illness and pain?

Do you need to be reminded again?

Who broke the dolls of God on Earth?

Who destroyed our home and hearth?

Who cares not for light and love?

Who is punished by God above?

Think well and hard on who this is

Because many of you won’t know

You think you do but you are wrong

About the one who brings us woe!

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Secrets

There are whispers in the dark

Secrets are here

I do not reveal those that I know

I keep them tight in a box in my head

Pure and simply because they’ve said

Not to share, please care

So I abide

I will not reveal what they hide

It’s not my place

I am just here to listen

I am not using their secrets to glisten

I won’t share for gold or to be a celebrity

I value strong integrity

I value trust and love and unity

I do a lot for my community

Secrets yes, I know a few

But I will share not one with you!

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Shrivelled Heart

It’s dark in my heart

It’s cold in my heart

It’s tight in my heart

There’s no room

All the wounds have made it shrink

Shrink so tight

I don’t think there’s room for love

I don’t think I’ll love again

Because my heart was torn out

It was squeezed so tightly

It dried and shrivelled when he took it

And tried to break it in half

But my heart is made of some kind of rubber

But it is bruised and beyond recover

Will I ever love again?

Will my heart ever mend?

Who knows…

Who knows…

Maybe if life’s clown watered my heart it will beat again?

Maybe if I found someone it will love again…

But I don’t know

Who knows…

Who knows…

Coming from that horrible place again, from 2004 – seriously for four years I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with a man again, not a normal one and to be honest, I know it sounds weird – but going into the BDSM lifestyle actually helped me recover a lot!

I owe my ability to love and trust again due to the guys I met during that time!

But I love cautiously and when I can sniff bad memories resurfacing in someone new, I can be abrupt with them.  Be warned!

I don’t ever want to be in the place again.

The only thing I have ever truly wanted in my life was to be loved and cherished without any indication that the feelings are fake from the other person – a genuine person who loves me for who I am.  Someone who likes snuggles from time to time, someone who cares enough to ask how I think and feel about things – someone I can trust enough to love back and when I love, I love deeply and I am a nurturer – I live to nurture others. 

I know a lot of guys have got a problem with the nurturing type – “hey, I am not your baby” kind of thing – but I can’t help it, I show my love by hugging, talking a lot and asking how you are, do you want to talk about things?  Get things off your chest, unburden yourself by being open with me… but people I’ve experienced don’t like that kind of thing and I sit back and wonder – well then… what is love?

To me love is where you can be totally yourself with the person you are with, without the fear of being judged and criticised – yes constructive criticism is good a little conflict is healthy, but you know what I mean right?  You don’t actually want those criticisms to hurt the person you love, just guide them gently… yes?  Hey you really should think about so and so, it’s not healthy to do so and so… that’s gentle – not words like hey stop scarfing all the pizza or you’re gonna get fatter gordita and if that happens I’ll dump you!

To me past is past, I don’t like bad past being bought up as a weapon when in relationships – to me that’s love, love contains forgiveness and if you forgive someone in one moment and then weeks later remind them of their failure a few weeks back, you haven’t truly forgiven them!

But that’s me.

Yes, OK, some of my poems seem like I haven’t let go of my past, but sometimes as stupid as it sounds it’s OK to relive those places if you are a creative person, because creativity is more appreciated when it comes from a place of authenticity – when you know the writer has experienced that, you know they know what they are on about… you get me?

This is why, when I was in college a few years back I did so well in drama classes, because I can make myself relieve those memories so authentically, that I can bring myself back to the place I need to be when acting.  But I had no support back then about going into theatre like I was cajoled into doing by my college friends, outside of college. 

Except of course my oldest brother, he did try to encourage that, but when you have a mother who tells you, you’re not doing that and won’t let me go out to do it, what can I do?

My brother took me to the theatre once a month over a four year period, I enjoyed it a lot and I miss it a lot since moving in with Paul.  I made friends at the theatre and they asked me to join them behind the scenes and learn about it, when they knew I did drama as a side subject in college – but I told them I couldn’t do that, because my mother would have a problem with it.

In fact, most of my life before I moved in with Paul, my mother was bought up a lot socially – because she had such tight control over my life.  I couldn’t even say, yeah, sure I’ll go to the pub and have lunch with you at lunch break to my colleagues – because my mum had set me a packed lunch and if that wasn’t eaten she’d be furious, but that’s not all – she’d sometimes sit in her car outside my place of work anticipating things like this might happen.

I know it sounds unbelievable, but really, she was that controlling!

But anyway – she is out of my life now and I have friends who know about my past, the drama classes and they know that my son goes to the performing arts school up here and they are trying to talk me into approaching the Rugby Theatre, even if it’s just helping to make props – just to get me out a bit more, now I am getting a little better again.

I don’t want to act though, not now, I am not body confident.  But prop making would be fun!

Henry is getting into the idea of acting a lot now, because he is interested in playing in Matilda.  The school is helping him a lot with that and recently an actress has seen Henry and has suggested, depending on Henry’s audition next year, that she may actually sponsor Henry for outside of school drama classes to help him along as she runs a charity for underprivileged children who is interested in the craft. 

Henry also wanted to be a child model, but Paul won’t support that as he is afraid it will interfere with his schooling.

Henry is very upset about that, because Henry wants to work ASAP and he keeps asking – he knows I will support him, but he also knows I won’t do anything behind Paul’s back.

Thanks for reading…

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I need to rest upon the shore

Dear, you are so dear to my heart

You pull me apart

With those words you say

Dear release me from your potion

Don’t let me get washed in the ocean

Hear me say

Save me now

I can’t bare those waters again

I just need my heart to mend

I can’t be always swimming here

I love you, so, so dear

But is it worth all these tears

After all these years

I am growing tired of the crying and the loneliness

I just need a rest

Upon the shore

Why can’t you listen, please don’t ignore

I implore you to stay with me

I know it sounds pathetic but I was once in this scenario where I was pushed away from someone, called back, pushed away, called back, constantly and I never learned for nearly three years that it would be a constant cycle. 

I thought that when they called me back they had a change of heart, so I’d dotingly went back to them and it wasn’t until pure mental exhaustion that I chose to ignore them finally.  But they still kept tabs on me for years and it wasn’t until my mum in fact, threatened to tell the police about them that they backed off finally.

I am embarrassed to share this actually, because upon reflection I behaved pathetically. 

These are not thoughts I still have of the person, but these are memories of that place I used to be in – sometimes people are confused that my poetry are reflective of my current mental state and it’s not always.  I have an excellent emotional memory.

In fact this emotional memory happened in 2004.

I am thinking that sometimes my poems might actually need explanations at the end, because there are times I post things like this and a bandwagon of lovely people thinks I am in a dark place again.  OK – let’s make a deal… if there is no explanation with a dark poem, I might be in a dark place at the time.

If there is an explanation, rest easy my friend! 

Thanks for reading!

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I need a purpose

I am going to update my twitter feed only when I have written towards a novel project in excess of 500 words in a day; because lately that’s a feat in itself, because of the problems going on.  

Poems are fine, they are short and they sweet and I generally can write a poem in ten minutes, but long bouts of concentration is not reachable for me at the moment with the stuff going on in the house.

Ultimately a lot of the stuff is mainly quarrels between Paul and Henry; I am not involved because if I speak, it makes it worse.  I am just like the piggy in the middle sitting there absorbing this toxic energy feeling helpless and it is affecting my thinking processes.

I am also finding it hard to have my privileges respected, the privilege of watching TV or listening to music – nobody cares what mama wants in this house, mama has to always go without! 

Mama is easily forgotten here, even regarding food treats, which is why I have to ask sometimes, or I don’t get.  Easily forgotten!  Because I don’t have access to household funds, so this mama doesn’t do the shopping!  That’s how it is here.

I can’t clean the house, because Paul worries I am overdoing it, although I am good.  But he won’t hear of it. 

I can’t mediate between their arguments, because they shout louder to drown me out as they are two powerhouses battling each other and the little diplomatic me just gets washed out. 

You can see why I feel I have no purpose, can’t you? 

I mean what I am here for?  I don’t get to do anything, just sit on my ass all day trying to be creative and trying to not to crack.  It’s lonely here and is there any wonder why suicide looks so appealing for me?

If I had a purpose, I know I wouldn’t feel this way.  But everything I could possibly have to live for has been taken from me.  It was great when I had my garden, until the bad neighbour moved in.  Now I don’t even have that anymore!

I can’t shut myself out in the garden for hours until it gets dark in all weathers just to feel needed by the plants and wildlife, because I am getting harassed and Paul hasn’t the wherewithal to defend me or say something to the guy! The garden is overgrown nearly by 3yrs now.

It’s just all one big disgusting mess here! 

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Home and Family