Tag Archives: confidence

Ten skills I want

Top 10 things I want to be confident in or train in eventually;

Tango dancing (in fact I have always wanted to do this and have a partner who likes it too, but never mind)

Paso Doble dancing (same as above)

Belly Dancing (did in the past but was never confident in it and need to loosen up again for it)

Playing the piano properly (one handed and by ear only player at the moment)

Reading and understanding musical notation

Tarot reading (yes been doing it most my life but not confident enough to leave the books alone)

Yoga (never tried it but before weight gain, I was a very flexible contortionist)

I want to be confidently fluent in Italian (at the moment I am on unit 16 of the course on Duo Lingo)

I also want to get back into some kind of combat fitness

Improving my ventriloquism skills – I can kind of do pretty well at the moment, but I want to be much better! I don’t like proper ventriloquist dummies though, they freak me out – I like puppets!

Leave a comment

Filed under Defining myself

Surrendering…

OK today is about surrendering to the fates and accepting whatever is supposed to come into my life and to stop being such a control freak about it – so, what do I do to start accepting that?  Simple, panic and go and read my tarot cards and speak with spirit guides too, with the simple question of…

What was I born to do?  What is my purpose?

You are to be thrusted into the unknown where you will reach the bottom of life and reach high to the top in new self-discoveries.  That explains a lot. 

You will constantly go into a re-training process. This will explain why reality seems indefinable to me, when I think I know something; something happens where I doubt it all over again and learn a new way in processing that information! 

Your goal is to save others in order to save your self and you may be tempted to give up before trying.  This explains something to me – I seem to befriend the lost and the lonely and then see them fly off into the horizon forgetting me once they’ve had their boost of ego from me.  I don’t mind, at least they seem happy now!  I’ve had a few people say I am like a life coach and motivator for them, some have even thanked me because before they found me they said they were going to commit suicide, a couple have outwardly said they owe their lives to me – which I replied thusly “don’t be so dramatic”. 

Depression will come when you ignore your creative talents.  True, but also it comes because I can’t write everything down all at once like my brain wants me to, at the pace of seven ideas at the same time!  The amount of times I have cried in frustration over this! 

You may not always be aware you are hurting others in the process, because your successes will hurt others, either through jealousy or because you are moving on.  Well, I haven’t seen any of that, so yes… I am unaware if I have hurt anyone in the process – sorry if it’s you! 

You can restore your sense of joy in bad times through meditation and astral travel – You will feel there is a huge lack of substance throughout your life.  Yes I do in fact. 

Your creative hobby will consume much of your life because this is a huge part of who you are meant to be, you are a creative spirit.

A man will come into your life and be prominent similar to a knight in shining armour that is vital to your development both emotionally and creatively.  So long as he isn’t a knight in shining armour in the traditional gooey romance novel typicality I am OK! 

You will need time alone for a long while to recuperate from what life throws at you and after this long period of loneliness you will be thrusted into a lot of social commitments you won’t be able to escape from, so enjoy the solitude whilst it lasts.  Oh boy, that’s started my anxious stomach problems!  I am no introvert; in fact I am an ENFJ-T personality type, so go figure! 

A musician will be important to you in your life.  I used to be in a rap/rock band at college – but other than that I don’t know any musicians on a close personal level yet! 

You will lack confidence in both your image and your abilities throughout most of your life; imposter syndrome affects you hugely, this is why there will be people coming into your life to give you that reassurance and to develop you into accepting yourself.  Along with this you will be hesitant to enjoy the good things in life, because you have experienced the bad for a long while beforehand that you are afraid that it won’t last.  This includes a hesitancy to enjoy your upcoming wealth and success to the fullest.  Actually this is why some of my exes are exes, they couldn’t get over the fact I was so hesitant about things – always scared things were about to fall flat on their faces and I found it hard to let my hair down and I had a huge guilt complex about a lot of things!  This is funny, because in other aspects of life, I am considered quite an optimistic person! 

So yeah regarding success and money I always have the attitude of, it’s not going to last – so why get excited about it?  One of my exes forbade me buying anything second hand as it was beneath him and I practically live in thrift/charity stores and car boot/garage sales – so, that’s one reason why he is an ex as I am not a snob! 

You will start a strong relationship quite late in your life, this relationship will be rock-solid and will be the catalyst for your life changing events, everything will be turned on its head for you; your life won’t ever be the same again and loneliness will start to become a challenge for you, because you will be surrounded by lots of people who will become extended family to you.  You will become part of a strong community someday; here you will be charismatic amongst them!  How late is late, because I want more kids?  Also, I hope this is true because I need a loving family!  Oh and I am not going to hide the fact that I am actually desperate for this!  I am not ashamed of wanting this! 

You will eventually master everything that life has got to offer but it will take you awhile to get there!  Everything?  Be real! 

When you are on the cusp of giving everything up, everything will come to you and you will be in childlike awe of how fast it comes into your life, you won’t have time to think and may be in a state of long-term exhaustion until you adjust to it!  Things will come to you that you didn’t ever dream of, it is like a wave of people just waltzes into your life and changes it all for the better and you will be in a state of pure shock!  It is something you won’t ever quite get over and something you will constantly question as being real.  And I am supposed to be excited about the fact I will be in long-term exhaustion? 

These people will make you stand out from the crowd whether you like it or not!  Hey who do they think they are?

You will find these people amongst the Bohemians of society; the person who is the catalyst of all of this is a bit of a friendly rogue that has pulled out all stops to help you in some way.  Who and why?

The more playful you are in your creativity the more you will earn from it, more conventional art forms will not pay as well for you, you are unique, celebrate it – don’t hide from it!  I have a problem with this, because I don’t believe anyone is unique, everything has been done before! 

You will practise a new talent and be restless about it!  This seems to be a theme, restlessness and tiredness – oh my future looks joyous, can’t wait… insert eye roll here* 

You will find a new life partner which will love you and have the deepest sense of spiritual connection you have ever known with anyone before!  This connection is very deep and psychic for the both of you!  This is a soulmate of the deepest kind!  Cool, OK – where are they? 

For a long time in your life you will experience disharmony in your home life and you will be in a constant state of tension and loneliness – you will find it hard to trust anybody or lean on anybody to support you, you can only depend on your self during these phases of your life.  But once this cycle has ended, it has ended for good and everything you’ve experienced in your personal relationships and home life will be turned on its head for the rest of your life!  Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel after all?  Should AI hold my breath about this or think it’s a load of old… you know!

You will eventually break free from all the bad stuff in life because of a cunning roguish person will manipulate you into believing a white lie that will ensnare you into a relationship with them that will change everything for you – but you will realise they had to do it this way because things are complicated for the both of you and you will forgive them!  Especially when you will learn they had risked so much to be with you!  Yikes, I am not all that great you know?  I mean, ew… look at me… no, please don’!

Wow… well, it would be nice to have most of the above anyway – I don’t like losing control socially, I don’t like the idea of permanent exhaustion and I definitely hate being pulled out of my comfort zones… but the rest seems nice.

At least I know one thing about me will never change as I can see if all this is to be true, I will live in a permanent state of anxiety – so I guess some kind of consistency is still available, even if it’s not the consistency I want! 

But the love, harmonious home and friends are much needed!

Long-term exhaustion… can I be anymore exhausted than I already am?  Please don’t take that as a challenge universe… please!

Thanks for reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under spirituality

The animal in me

What animals are in my soul according to how I see it… what quirks and personality traits do those animals have that I see in myself?

This is my honest opinion about who I am, in my animalistic side.

My strongest personality I believe is the spirit of the dog or the wolf, which I believe are the same animal really! 

I consider myself very friendly and easily excitable around my favourite people, people I trust and the better I know somebody the more playful I tend to become.  I am also very emotionally insecure and always out to get affection of some kind or another, or give affection and be amongst my pack in general.

I am a pack animal who is outcast as it were, right now – I am without a pack and it is killing me inside, it really is!

I mean it when I say I am excitable around my favourite people!  I exuberate the energy of “oh my goodness, you’re great, you’re this and that, I love you, come here, give a hug, who hurt who?  Let me at them”!  It’s quite funny to see me at times…

Yes I am needy I suppose, no shame in that I guess?

I want to be everyone’s friend but the world seems to fight back against people like me, fiercely it would seem!

I can easily adopt people if they are nice to me, it’s my nature but also like a dog or a wolf I don’t forgive others who bite or bark at me if they’ve been too fierce!  But boy can I be a bitch (pun intended) if you hurt the ones I love and who mean a lot to me!

Like a dog, I can easily feel shame and guilt about the slightest thing, rolling over trying to win back the favour of those I have disappointed if I love them, like some attention seeking hussy!

The other animal I am like is a squirrel – in the right places I tend to have a lot of excess energy and excitement, a bit like a hyperactive dog – but it can be more extreme.  Like a squirrel I love nuts, to eat them but also I like nuts as in people who are considered oddballs of society or Bohemian. 

Like a squirrel I am a bit of an airhead and can forget a lot of things, because I store away knowledge and items all the time and what’s worse, I move them around in case other people borrow them a lot, so sometimes those items can be lost to me… forever… so it would seem!

Also squirrels plant trees, I plant trees too, lots of trees, I like trees.

Give me caffeine or candy or a combination of them both I start talking like a horse racing commentator and speed walk everywhere at high energy for several hours, laughing my head off!

And like a squirrel I can often freak out about things, like the worry wart I am!  When I am stressed or worried, I talk so fast and so high pitched that people just stare at me wide eyed and think rightfully so… “What the fuck”?

Paul has got into the habit of grabbing me by the shoulders after I’ve told him things and then looks at me calmly and says to me…. “Breath, now tell me again… SLOWLY”!

So sometimes I start off again at the same speed and he patiently says “tut tut tut, slowly and focus”… to see us together like this makes you think I am demented or something, but sometimes even I feel I might be at times!

It’s more fun when I have had caffeine and candy and I am worried or have been recently affronted by something… its full steam ahead then, won’t get sense out of me for hours!

An ex of mine had the right idea when I get like that – just snog my brains out and I calm down and become passive almost immediately and then I manage to talk like I have actually got a brain instead of a hamster on a wheel in my head!

Another animal I am like is self-explanatory – rabbits.  You must know me enough by now to know what I am on about here!  The innuendo of what rabbits representation to society is enough for your imagination – but it is also one of the major things which boost my energy!

I am definitely an energiser bunny!

You can also see the rabbit in me when I garden as I often like to kneel on the ground and dig deep holes like I am making a warren… I don’t do it aimlessly, I am not insane!  There is always a purpose for the hole, such as a plant.

I lied.  I am insane, don’t you believe otherwise!

A cow is another animal, I am very nurturing by nature and I tend to graze rather than eat meals, because my body struggles with volume these days, a sandwich is a huge meal to me of late.

If we had the budget my diet would be reminiscent of my grandma’s advice, 7 small meals a day, no bigger than a tea plate (sandwich plate), because volume is an issue!

I remember I thrived when I lived her, it meant of course I seem to constantly eat – but I was thinner for it and I never had stomach ache!

Like the dogs, cows like to go around in herds or packs and I do miss having people in my life.

I miss having a nurturing role, Paul has made my ability as a mother almost obsolete since I’ve become ill, he has taken over everything and there is a huge power struggle for me to become an active mother again with Henry!

I can’t even nurture this family in other ways, such as baking or cooking because of finances but also because Paul has kept the kitchen in a manner that things I need are out of access for me or the kitchen is in such a mess that it takes me three hours of cleaning before I am happy to do anything in there!  It’s not as simple as pop into the kitchen to make a tuna sandwich, because the tuna is in a section of the cupboard I can’t reach because of a mound of boxes in the way and Paul is much taller than I am – I am 5ft 8 and still struggle to get things!

Even on tippy toes I can’t reach the highest shelves of a cupboard and that’s where most of the snacks are stored, so Henry doesn’t binge behind our backs, but it also means I am heavily reliant on Paul to reach them for me as he has forbidden me to use the step ladder, due to my vertigo issues.  I don’t have a fear of height; I have vertigo because of ear damage.  I am fine using them, but he is over protective.

Like a cow, I like to be around children as much as possible and I love to mingle with others in nature.

Another creature I am like is a peacock, though it strongly depends on who I am around.  I am heavily influenced by other people who are in my life the most.  If I am around people where image doesn’t matter, I fall on the wayside with them and don’t make an effort because it’s never noted or appreciated when I do.

I absolutely adore people who are vain, narcissistic or believe that image is everything… they are my kind of people; they are the kinds of people who keep me to my standards!  But I don’t like the ones who make things too personal.  Yes, nag me to take care of myself, my hair, and my fashion, give me tips and advice, but don’t go getting personal about weight and things I can’t change like nose shape and eye shape etc.

I know I am overweight, I am working on it, I don’t need to be told, I am already deeply ashamed about that aspect about me without being reminded or judged for it!

There is nothing I can do about my nose and eyes other than surgery and I don’t want to be the Bride of Frankenstein, no offence.  Though I do need surgery on my nose, because I have broken cartilage that has never healed, but it’s not aesthetic. 

Also I don’t like the ones who think there is something I can do about my big scars.  Yes I know make up works wonders, but some of my scars go into my hairline and messes my hair up if I use cosmetics in those areas!

Always be kind in your advice, never vitriolic.

I love glamour, but I am not well versed in using make up – I never had a feminine influence who taught me things like that.  It’s something I need to learn!

Like my mother never made a point about hygiene, I learned from other people who took care of me over the years.

I remember when I had my first menses as a child, I was unusually early, 8yrs old – my mother gave me sanitary towels but never told me how to use them and for the first few months I wore them with the glue attached to my vagina and not the underwear – when I got my first hairs I learned I had been doing it wrong, because I complained to her about it one day and she called me a fool!

But anyway, I love fashion and I like to stand out a little.  But I do love my baggy comforts and rough and ready looks in dungarees and what not on a day to day basis.  But generally, I love to play with my looks whenever possible because I am a suppressed attention whore, I know I love attention if I can get it and showing off my latest outfits is one way to get attention!

I know when I was a lot younger I was very much the “notice me, notice me” type – but I got beaten pretty badly off my pedestal over the years.

I refuse to believe that as I get older my ability to be a peacock is less and less obtainable, I mean just look at some of the classic stars in Hollywood still bombing around at their best at ninety!

There’s life in the old dog yet, lol what am I saying?  I am only forty!

Growing up I loved the egotistical and I have a playlist called “Vanity” where I have all sorts of songs on it, one of them happens to be the theme tune “Sexy boy” from the wrestler Shawn Michaels – “eat your heart out girls, hands off the merchandise”!  I had Shawn Michaels as a pin up in my bedroom but the bigger poster I had was his quote rather than him “IMAGE IS EVERYTHING”!

Gosh, if I hadn’t of been brutalised, what would I have been like right now as a person?

Though I say all this, yet I am nothing like how I want to be right now – I am a shocking mess, enough to make the true inner me heave whenever I look in the mirror.  But I do feel – why bother when nobody cares and you’re just spending money on your looks that you can’t afford?

I spruce myself up occasionally but it doesn’t get a reaction from anyone around here, not even Paul.

I am embarrassed to say, my depression got so bad in 2016 I found it hard to get the motivation to do basic things like brush my hair etc. around the house – I wasn’t going out as I was bedbound and so often times I didn’t bother.  It made me go around the twist a bit and I think I went stir crazy, because one day I woke up and decided to literally buzz cut my hair clean off!

With the alopecia I have, I am near wanting to do that again, but scared I’ll regret it, especially as my hair is long now and it’s becoming a pacifier for me to brush my hair through with my fingers when I feel insecure.

I think I am also like a snake – it hurts to admit this, because my mother used to call me that a lot when I was growing up and made me feel guilt, shame and disgust for it. 

Why do I think I am like a snake?

Because when someone hurts me, I am quieter than I used to be – I am more observant and I tend to strike at their weakest moment and strike hard!

I think I am a snake because like a snake I sit in the grass watching my attackers, seeing what they are doing to me or trying to do to me and I am calculating… calculating their next move, then WHAM!  I find out their weakness and it’s not pretty. 

I have always been the quiet observer – as my auntie always said “you’ve got to watch the quiet ones”, she kept warning people not to push me too far as I am one they’ve got to be more careful of!

A snake isn’t untrustworthy; it’s a misunderstood creature because it has a superior intelligence for survival, which is unique in the world.  Because they do strike when you least expect it, because you never respected the snake, you underestimated it – you thought it was small and helpless and an easy touch – but the snake will always show you!

If someone criticises me and I give a small strained smile and go quiet, just understand, you’ve hurt me more than you think.  I tend not to be vocal about my hurt feelings too much with people I hardly know.

But also that same smile can be confusing I guess – because it is the same smile I have when I feel anxious or not very confident.

I am also like an elephant… I never forget – I forgive sometimes – but I never forget and I will always make sure you never forget either, if you’ve ever hurt me!

I am also big and a klutz and I survive with my hearing loss because I rely on vibrations, like elephants do!  I also don’t know my own strength, I am unusually strong really.

I mean, before I got sick I could carry a two hundred a fifty pound man over my shoulder!

I used to have big aspirations as a glamazon strength contest woman, this was a thing in the early 2000s in the UK – like the strongest women in the world contest but they were also glamour pusses too!  Not all of them had grotesquely huge muscles; some looked like normal women, but could bench press three hundred or more pounds.

I got out of that ambition when I was 21 because men found it a turn off.

I still kind of dream about doing something similar again, like I used to dream about being a gladiator or a contestant on that show or a female professional wrestler, yes, these are genuine past ambitions I once had!

I loved fitness a lot and it is something I really want to get back into again in a big way – but again, without other like-minded folk in my life, it’s hard to motivate myself!

I like to think that I could get fit enough again where I could potentially do those things in the future and maybe go on the new show Apocalypse Wow too!

But I can be a bit rough with people and I have been known to break the stems of wine glasses by holding them too tight – really I sometimes wonder if I am half orc or something!

I look big and muscular whether overweight or not and people are often shocked when they hear me talk when I feel anxious or shy, because… yeah… my voice doesn’t match my physique and no… I do not have an annoyingly high pitched voice… I have a really strange calm, soothing voice by all accounts that sounds slightly young, but it’s not high pitched unless I am excited or angry.

The closest British actress I can think of that has a voice similar to me is Camille Codari, she is definitely a close sound alike – Americans will probably know her from the John Goodman and Peter O’Toole movie King Ralph!  But also Jackie Tyler from Dr Who; I can be a sociopath at times and put on voices depending on the situation, I am self-conscious of my childish common natural voice, so I do try and suppress it a lot.

My grandma did a lot of elocution lessons on me as I was growing up and so I do know how to talk more mature and aristocratic when I need to and keep it up for quite some time!  It was an essential survival tactic I needed as I was growing up in mixed religious and class cultures.

I can put on a voice that does suit my looks but it is the kind of voice that gets you noticed in public and I don’t like that – it’s a rough and ready school ma’am type of voice, that sounds like I won’t have any funny business!  Lol!  That voice can sound reminiscent of Pam Ferris or Martita Hunt, scary contrast if you ask me!

But there you go me in animal form.

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

Big dreams given up

This post is all about the big dreams and goals I had in life that are too far reaching I have given up wanting them because of one thing or another. 

As a young child I had a huge love for fashion, particularly fashion design; I remember watching the Fashion Roadshows on TV and The House of Elliot and I remember begging my parents for the Barbie design packs and the make your own design toys.  I got a small pack once, but mum didn’t like my enthusiasm for it. 

When I was going through the pack like nobody’s business, she grew angry about it and tersely stopped my enthusiastic interest in fashion by stating that a fat girl like me would be torn apart in the fashion industry.  She really did a number on my confidence when she knew I actually wanted this as a career.

I was eight or nine years old when I gave up wanting that sort of thing and I grew to detest other girls who were really into that sort of thing because of jealousy issues… if I can’t have that life because of how I look, then why should I support them?  I grew bitter, I admit that.

Because even when I had lost the weight to my mother’s satisfaction there was always the issue of my squinty eyes and my smile is never right either, in fact, my smile looked like a snarl or a grimace.

So the big dream I had as a kid to be a fashion designer went out of the window as did my dream of ever going on the cover of Vogue magazine – which is still something I kind of dream of from time to time.

Another dream I am trying to come to terms with is the fact that since I was a child, I had always wanted a large family – I wanted a minimum of five children all told and as many as nature or God would give me. 

I am coming to terms with the fact I am now 40yrs old and have only one son because of the lack of enthusiasm from his father to have any more with me.

It’s hard to digest because I have the belief that as a woman, I should be mother to a large brood as its natures intention – but there you go, circumstances out of my control dictates to me I can’t have anymore; unless I am lucky enough to have a new relationship soon and I have taken a large chunk out of my paternal families genepool, so that I am fertile into my mid 50s like they are!

OK I suppose for many being a mother to a large family isn’t such a big dream, but it’s one of mine.

Another one of my dreams is to have my stories made into movies, comics or TV shows.  I prefer them to be on screen, I have never written for the motivation to create books – just stories for a screen.

I write the things I want to see on TV.

I have always had the dream of brainstorming with the stars my new story ideas, sitting there discussing what we should do and testing the water a bit with some playful dialogue with each other or play acting things as we’re thinking about them.  I loved drama class at school, though I’d never be confident enough to be a professional actress, it’s not stage fright I have, it’s the idea of becoming too well known where I lose control over my right to peace and tranquillity of not being bothered everywhere I go.

I had my fifteen minutes of fame as a teenager and it drove me bonkers.  I won a fight with the biggest group of school bullies single handed and I became the popular kid for about a month, until my grumpiness about being followed around made people avoid me – Well, I was a moody Goth at the time.

It also became bothersome for a few years that every so often I’d be pulled up in the street being mistaken for two celebrities, this was worse when I was thin!  People didn’t believe I weren’t one of them, because my voice is so much like hers.  Martine McCutcheon, the singer that was also on EastEnders for a time.

I have to admit; I worked on my voice a lot to try and not to sound like her so people would believe me!

I had also wanted some of my stories to be theatre plays, musicals in particular for some of them as I have a huge love for music as much as I do writing and fashion.  I haven’t learned to read music, but when I lived in London and was still in contact with my family my brother let me use his Cubase and was astounded at the compositions I made for my rap/rock band I had in college.

A few people in my family and friendship circle keep telling me I should be a professional singer but I don’t want to do that, I only really want to write the lyrics and compose the music whilst someone else sings them.

I know it sounds like I don’t care about my craft very much but the average song or poem I write can be done in less than half an hour on average and it’s never revised.  Composing music can take one to three days with Cubase, that’s my average anyway – unfortunately I don’t have access to Cubase anymore.

I have also wanted to have a breedable pair of dogs and train them like I always do, but specifically for agility contests and go to dog sports events with them as a competitor.  It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but when I had dogs when I lived with my parents my mother wouldn’t let me go to the events unless they were within three miles of the house.  So the only event I went to was for three years and that was the Silverstream summer fete contests in Burnt Oak, North London.

My dream has been to have a breedable pair of dogs because I want to keep the bloodline of my original dog in the family for generations, so I am never without at least one dog and the dogs could be inherited down to the family.  Henry loves the idea of this, but Paul says we can’t afford a dog anymore – not with this heat or eat crisis that is going on in the UK right now.

I have also been interested in fly ball and other dog sport activities.

In the past I have been known to train dogs to understand at least thirty commands, but it depends on the dog and my time with them.  To get to the thirty command stage I worked on a new dog three hours a day for four months solid.  I didn’t have that much time with some of the others when I lived with my mum.  But mum hated the bond I had with that dog in particular so much, she got rid of it and gave it to an aunt, broke my heart.  That puppy would have been amazing when she was older.

Another dream of mine is to rebuild The Garden Of Eden, but there you go, probably a little too big for me?

I have simple dreams really – like winning a bakery contest in a country fair, or a contest in applique design.

I know given the right circumstances and resources, I’d be as glamorous as Lady Gaga and other similar stars – I know I would have wacky ideas for fashion, I love to play – I am a very playful person and I like shinies – not necessarily jewellery, I don’t really like to wear that much of it – but I do like shiny things and bold fashion.

I am a big fan of Moschino since Jeremy Scott took over a lot of the designs, that’s the kinda wacky I am on about!

I’m unashamedly a big kid at heart, really I am – there are times I wished that the public weren’t so snippy as I’d love to wear plaited pig tails again in public, not just around the house!

I say I don’t like wearing jewellery much, but I do love bangles – I am the annoying office worker that has ten up each arm and types at 90wpm and jingles all the way!  Or at least I used to be, before the bracelets got presumably lost.

I try to keep a turquoise at my throat area as much as possible too.

But other than that most of my ideas for my dreams are pretty small. 

If money was no object I’d probably have a huge house simply so I can adopt more people and let people stay over and use me as a stop gap – as I am very friendly and I like guests if they are friendly.  I’d have acres of land just so I can have many different types of garden and entertainment areas and play areas for children and pets. 

I’d probably be a party animal, any excuse for a party if I knew I had friends or a lot of people to invite to them, that is.  As I do love parties, but I don’t like drinking much – I just enjoy the positive energy of parties.  Easter, Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, BBQ, New Year, etc.  I love dinner parties too especially if there are guests who are not opposed to games after dinner.

I love planning for events, decorating, preparing, I love it sometimes more than the actual thing itself.  I put my heart and soul into things like that – but it’s an almost non-existent life here with Paul, he doesn’t socialise and so… life in a word is DULL.

I am always thinking about how amazing things are going to be for the people who are going to attend, it’s selfless, I think about individuals who will be there.  It’s just me – I don’t know if I have ever mentioned this before but I was in the hospitality trade for a while as a PA for VIPS.  I was doing so well at Nordic Cruises base as a meet and greeter and was quite popular with the clients for it, that I was offered to go on the cruises for some of the people, but I had to give up the job when they offered me that – because mum didn’t approve me leaving the house for weeks on end.

Because part of my job as a meet and greeter was to also provide lunches and I was so friendly and got to know people so well that I started to customise lunches for people I knew were going to attend meetings that day.

I loved that job, I am a people pleaser if I am honest – it brings me joy to make people feel at home!  I think it was Nordic Cruises anyway; my memory might be a big off.  But whatever, I loved it there even if I wasn’t there for more than a couple of months, of all jobs I had up to that point I thrived there.

So I think the biggest most extravagant thing outside of being on Vogue’s cover magazine and having my stories made into movies would be this… A three day party cruise with a pool with all my favourite people on board almost like an annual thing.

Another extravagant thing is an ice-cream sundae I always wanted to try in New York at Serendipities, it’s the opulent sundae.  Just because it looks freaking cool… no pun intended, its ice-cream – eye roll time!  But it’s like 1k for it!  1k!

But there you go.

Other than that, I just like simple things.  Like the idea of going on the world’s longest zip wire… going zorbing… learning to roller skate and ride a bike… silly things like that. 

Thanks for reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under Defining myself

It’s not vanity week, honest!

Why did I confess about my supressed vanity and why do I seem so proud of it?

Because, it is a major part of my natural personality that got the hardest beatings and chastisements over the years, to me it feels like it was 50% of my personality and that since my suppressors took a hold on me – to get me out of the mind-set of it, it was like I have lived my whole life a lie.

I lived as my shadow self for too long, though many people feel that vanity is the shadow aspect in itself, maybe my mind is all muddled up – but to me, this is what came naturally to me and it is this what got moulded out of me.

I know a lot of people, my mother included will tell me that vanity is the shadow self, because vanity is a sin.

I don’t see how it’s a sin to make the most of what you have, why shouldn’t you adorn the precious body God gave you however you like?  Why should you not worship God through your temple, which is your body and give thanks and honour him for a job well done?

Why is it more holy to hate yourself and live modestly about your looks or abilities, surely revelling in it all is the biggest form of gratitude to the creator?

I remember slaps across my face as a child when I actually used to have the guts to ask these questions to my mother!

“How dare you” she used to say as she’d drag me to the bathroom to wash my mouth with soap, literally!

To wash those dirty words out of my mouth, because I say something that can’t be redeemed, her long nails scratching the back of my throat as she washed my tongue deeply!

I hate Imperial Leather soap to this day!

All the women I admired growing up were the vain glamorous types, I always kind of screwed my nose up at the ordinary woman and lived in amazement at how much some women put the time into their looks above everything else.

I always wanted to be like that too, but I was only like that for two short years in my adult life before I moved in with Paul and about a year when I moved in with Paul – funnily enough the year before I became sick.

Its sods law that I want to get to grips with my true self now and I have long Covid alopecia which is ruining my idea of what great hair is!  I have learned these things over the years, your hair is your crowning glory, and the thing that gets you judged the most; second to that are your shoulders, people look at your shoulders and your neck and judge your posture a lot!  Thirdly to this is the clothing or accessories you choose to wear and it’s generally make up as the last thing people will notice about you. 

Though going back to the clothing, people don’t look up and then down, they look down and go up, they judge you from your footwear.  This is my experience in any case.

Your smile is another factor that probably comes before the cosmetic application judgement!  Which is why I have a closed mouth smile, I am ashamed of my mouth.

My mouth is the most abused part of my body, my voice suppressed a lot, my mouth has had a lot of abuse – forced feedings, mouth wash outs, slapped across the face a lot, squeezed to keep silent, hand over my mouth, is it any wonder my throat chakra is hard to unblock?

So what is going on here, why is it vanity week?

Well it’s not intentionally vanity week – it’s just I am really working on my inner child in the past two or three weeks and it just so happens to coincide with a few of the self-therapies I am doing.

Waking up the true me, the unblocked me, the real me.

I want to take you all on a journey with me – weight loss and changing my image and I hope it will be fun for all of us!

I am not going to be happy until I can rock a pair of suspenders better than Dr Frank n Furter!

Just don’t think of me in them now huh, don’t want to have nightmares now do we?

For me one of the big things I hate about living here is the inability to get access to someone who can do household maintenance when it needs to be done, instead of having to wait years between projects!  Our shower broke down in 2016 and I bought its replacement in 2018 and it still hasn’t been installed!  I need my twice daily showers and twice weekly exfoliations!

I miss lathering myself in shea butter for an hour and then showering it off, the stretch marks were reduced a lot and it does a lot to help with cellulite, but you can’t get into a bath to wash it all off, ew!

I think my biggest goal since childhood was to have the confidence as well as the body to rock a velveteen cat suit too!  One I’ve dreamt of designing since I was a nine!  When I had the figure to wear something like that I didn’t have the guts!

Its really weird how since doing all this inner child stuff, I am seeing a lot of butterflies, dragonflies, caterpillars, flamingos, ibises and peacocks – all representatives of transformation, flamboyance, vibrancy, vanity and confidence.

I have been taking care of my body with a high protein diet, a little exercise per day and face yoga and I am seeing a major difference to my face and figure personally.  I am starting to like myself a bit but I am thinking that’s a lot to do with the change in my mentality, thanks to that Mel Robbins technique I shared with you a couple of weeks back!

I am now able to plank for about one minute, which is impressive when you think that I struggled to hold a squat for fifteen seconds at Easter!

Six weeks ago I could only do ten reps of bicep curls without weights before needing a two minute break to continue to the full thirty reps – now I can do fifty reps off the bat without resting, though I am slightly out of breath by then.

My main focuses in toning up are my triceps area, as that is not a very nice part of my body, as well as my abs, because I look five months pregnant if I am being honest right now.  The rest of the body seems to be doing itself naturally and appropriately, I don’t know why these two areas in particular are being stubborn!

The aim isn’t to become too muscular, but to tone it up and not be horribly flabby.

At the moment my arms look alien to the rest of my body, which is why I pose with them tightly behind my back, because I look like an ape… well I am an ape, all humans are… but you know what I mean!

So, I just want to be beautiful and feel good for it, I want to be in a position of belief when someone tells me I am beautiful.  But I don’t want to be a mean cocky bitch about it like some women are. 

I just want to wear what I want, feel great in it and be who I want to be, when I want to be it, instead of cringing and thinking I am making a fool of myself, or that people are going to think that two little boys are fighting up my skirt as I walk down the road!

Thanks for reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

Beauty, dance, and gratefulness

A handful of friends have sent me DMs recently about my deadline.  I have to agree to take their advice and not push for it, because in the past two weeks in particular life here has been hard on me and I have found it difficult to focus on reading anything, let alone writing anything.

Henry is has recently had an emergency assessment to test for autism because his behaviour is worsening at school, at the moment they decline to say much about their findings because they feel they need to do another one or two assessments on him before they are sure.

Along with this, as you all are probably aware of, Paul and I are separating; which is a surprise really, because around 2015 we more or less decided to stick with each other, despite our relationship only meaning to be temporary.

We don’t know when we will decide to live apart as I have discussed recently, but it is on the cards.

Along with this I am trying my hardest to get into shape and lose weight, so I have more confidence in myself when I start a new relationship.

I really wanted to debut a book by summer, which is why I wanted to approach an agent on the 21st October, however, I have too much going on right now to do it and along with it all, the idea of YouTube may also be a failing start for January too; because my future is very uncertain right now.

I am also very confused by people behaviours online recently.  Since alerting my readers of my separation with Paul, I have been getting a lot of attention in DMs.  I suppose it’s not so confusing as I have more or less announced my availability, but what is confusing is the dominance some people are portraying in their emails to me from the off-set.  Like whom do they think they are?

It started with the email from a well-known author to Paul, I won’t mention names, but he is pretty big as far as authors go.  According to Paul this author had asked him outright whether or not we genuinely are in an open relationship and if it is OK for him to approach me for a relationship someday?  Paul said of course.

Though this author has not approached me in any other way other than being a sort of friendly online acquaintance, I felt it was cheeky to do that and especially behind my back!

He has a blue tick on twitter, so it’s the genuine article, but he is not the only person who has approached this recently with me. 

Unfortunately I feel some pressure by this person to finish my AD project in particular as they believe they’ve cottoned on to my plot with my hints and has got inspired to make something very similar if I am not quick enough; unfortunately, they’ve kind of guessed correctly what my story might be. or so, Paul has told me someone who is associated with this author has told him.

I don’t know whether or not Paul is just rocking the boat telling me these things, because he was initially afraid of losing me, but more recently he has found a new lady himself and doesn’t seem to think that what he told me in the past is anything to worry about, now.

I really don’t like cloak and daggers and underhanded stuff and I am getting rather uncomfortable with it all.

But if what Paul has said is true, then this author will be starting the idea around March apparently, which is why I feel the pressure to write this quickly, because its a series.

For now, all I want to do is focus on is my fitness, trimming down and getting my head together, whilst still trying to write a tiny bit per day towards any current project.  Maybe read a book once a fortnight, the reading has slowed down immensely.

But I am trying to find my true self. 

My true self, since a very young child – kindergarten almost, has always had a massive love for fashion and glamour.  For short bursts throughout my life, I have tried to get into it all big time – but there was always someone getting in my way and stopping me, usually my mother.

My mother is out of my life right now, so I feel free to be as vain and beautiful as I want, in the manner I want.

I loved the book “Matilda” by Roald Dahl as a child and in there is a quote where they say that there are two types of women in the world those that choose looks and those that chose books. 

Most of my life I chose books, purely as a means of escapism.  Had I have had a more stable life I would be more focused on looks and entertainment of other kinds, such as singing or acting.

All I know is that I am a huge daydreamer. 

I can’t help but think of great stories all of the time, often at the drop of a hat – but I have little interest in making them books, I want them to be on the screen somehow.  It has always been my primary goal.

My idea of the best kind of entertainment is visual and audio.  I read a lot, yes, but mostly to learn, I don’t really read for the amusement of it – I am just knowledge hungry, that’s all.

I really don’t think I’d be as much of a gaming or science geek as I am today, had I have been raised primarily by say – my honorary auntie Sheila or my grandmother for example.

I know had I of been raised by my paternal grandmother she’d have made me go into the equestrian gymkhana groups and gymnastics and all sorts of things like that.  She’d have fully supported my sports goals in swimming and judo and would have pushed me into other things to socialise a lot with the better classes as she’d put it; Potentially making me become a singer or an actress along with it, because she often tried to encourage me to go with my aunts to their amateur theatres to be a part of their little comedies, but at the time I was bullied out of it by being fat shamed by my mum.

I really wanted more of the life my grandmother wanted for me, as it reflected what my dad wanted for me too, but mum never supported any of it.

All my life I have envied women in gymnastics in particular.

As an adult my grandmother learned I had a passion for watching dance shows and that I really wanted to learn to dance and she arranged for me to go to Ealing to become taught by a famous dancer called Anton Du Beke.  When my mum found out I was going to go to it, she gave me a nasty ultimatum, go to this school for dance or lose the internet.  At the time I had an Ebay business and I had a lot of online friends, so losing the internet was not an option for me, so she had got her way.

I have always wanted to learn to tango, especially with a life partner, because I have a lot of passion in me and I really would love a relationship like Morticia and Gomez Addams. 

It’s a goal I have still, once fit enough I will go to find a school for the tango.  Or if I become a published author and famous enough I’d practically beg “strictly come dancing” to let me be a celebrity contestant!

But ultimately, my stories should be on the screen and should also be merchandise as a lot of my ideas are not only horror, but mostly for the family entertainment industry.  Horror is lessening these days as I am thinking of more light-hearted fantasy stories.  Sure, project AD is a dystopian, but it has anthropomorphic characters, children and comedy in it, which lightens the mood immensely.

Even if I am only writing a paragraph per day at least it’s getting done.  But for now, I can’t do much more than that because there are a lot of explosive arguments going on about me, mostly between Henry and Paul but lately, Paul is starting to drain me with his noticeable irritations, because he feels as trapped as I do.

I am just in the way.  That is not something I want to feel when I am still quite emotionally vulnerable and could at any moment decide to seek out the medicine box.  I mean, other than Henry and a rabbit, what I have I got to live for?

Paul and Henry have already decided between themselves that Henry will stay with Paul not me, so I won’t even have Henry as an excuse to stay alive soon; Just the rabbit, and he is 5yrs old on his next birthday.  He is also the last birthday present I’ve ever received since we fell into poverty, that’s if I am not including the regular chocolate bars I’ve got between then and now.

Still, shouldn’t be ungrateful.

Happy reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

The airheads future

I don’t want my blog to become too predictable, so I thought I would spread out my influence posts over a couple of weeks – Paul felt that perhaps I should do them every day for a week, but I felt that would bore people; let me know if I was wrong, please.

I will be discussing a lot more about how I think and feel about many artists and writers works in the future of this blog, whilst still maintaining poetry, writing updates and maybe the odd short story now and again to entertain you.

I am preparing myself for two things over the next coming months; my deadline of October 21st or thereabouts as my first step into contacting an author’s agent to look for representation for my series project AD and the other thing is learning how to start a YouTube channel for just after Christmas.

I have been planning a YouTube channel for nearly three years now and to be perfectly honest I am more than a little nervous about it, because I am not very body confident.

Paul said there are lots of YouTube channels where you don’t see the person videoing, but I know it wouldn’t work for me in what I want to do though. 

My blog is just about me, my life, my hobbies and my journey into becoming a fulltime successful creative, either as a writer or artist or if I am really lucky – both!  I have even thought about doing an occasional review of the books I like and maybe even shopping hauls once I get a bit more confident.

Why so much for one channel?  I am easily bored and it will help me find out more about what people enjoy about me, then I may open up more channels to be more specific with each different thing.

I am very new to all of this and I am not technologically savvy, I have had a very sheltered and socially isolated life, so one of my main concerns is coming across as an air head who is all over the place… although me being an air head that is all over the place is true, I don’t want to be known for it, if you get me? 

I am laughing at the irony of what I have just said, but there you go, maybe I should just relax and be happy about being an air head, eh?

Happy reading!

2 Comments

Filed under About Me

Baby steps to confidence

I am getting a little more confident in my looks recently, though I still have days again when I feel I am still hideous, but it is improving thanks to three things in particular.

I have had a front tooth removed recently and discovered that I am not too old for braces, this I have already shared, I haven’t got a date for the installation of my braces yet, but I was told it could be around six months’ time, to give me time to heal.  This would give me a straight smile, because I had double sets of teeth and two were crooked.

I won’t have braces at the top of my jaw, only the bottom, because it is said to be lucky to have a gap in the teeth up there and it’s not much different to what Madonna had/has. 

They say a woman who has a gap in her teeth is destined to become rich or famous.  I don’t mind fame if my privacy is respected; but I do hate people who feel entitled to interfere with a celebrity’s life just because they have the wrong idea that just because a person is famous – they are owned by the world!  That mind-set makes me angry and I am worried that I might be overly aggressive to the invasion of my privacy, especially as I am generally a gentle and loving person.

Though gentle, loving and nurturing I am also incredibly fierce about injustice, unfair treatment and inequality!

The second thing that has helped my confidence is that I accidentally discovered a large mark that was forming on my face wasn’t skin cancer or a mole, but was a horrible large wart and now that’s gone entirely!  It was about the size of a twenty pence piece.

I accidentally got rid of it when I bought some aloe vera wipes to help me clean my face as I started to develop acne when I did a detox diet and noticed that the mark on my face was shrinking, so I continued doing these wipes for three months and it went entirely!

The third thing is thanks to the motivational speaker Mel Robbins when she suggested people who lack self-love and confidence, should high five themselves in the mirror and treat your reflection as a friend you love and who deserves kindness and respect.  I thought it was baloney, but it’s strange seeing how my confidence has shifted a little and its only been four days now.

I am not confident with my hair because I have developed acute alopecia due to three things according to my GP, those are, my previous mental health problem of trichotillomania (self-hair pulling) that was pretty bad when I lived with my mother weakening the roots; a symptom of long covid and a hormonal imbalance of a woman who is potentially starting the perimenopause early.  I don’t believe the latter, because other than hair problems I am OK with everything else.

So, as I said before, I am working on many things at once in my life.

I am feeling proud of myself and I will improve much more than this, I will make sure of it!

Happy reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

Lonely and tardy confession

I dither a lot.

I mean a lot!

Perhaps that’s why I am called TardyCreative.com?

But I am not like this in most things – in most things I am very decisive in life generally, but when it comes to creative pursuits, it’s more challenging to make a firm hard decision!

I fear choosing one idea for a particular story, because then I can’t play with that idea anymore – because nobody wants multiple stories of the same thing happening with several endings, or do they?

Let’s give an example of what I might think about, by using an already known piece of work by someone else – let’s say, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley!

If I was writing this and it was my masterpiece (which it isn’t – we’re just hypothesizing here) these things would flow to my mind;

The monster decides to stand and fight the mob and so piece by piece the mob pulls him apart!

The monster runs away to the North Pole and survives!

The monster falls in love with the doctor who made him and they have an awkward existence together!

The monster runs off with a local and attempts to have children with her and the result of that!

Or the monster decides he is too lonely in this world that he will build himself a wife and he will become a doctor himself and try to keep his creator alive forever, whether he liked it or not.

Loads of ideas could come into play and this is me all over!

Which one do I do?  Ok, I won’t be rewriting Frankenstein anytime soon, but you get my point don’t you?

This is where my confession is about to reveal itself…

I hate writing.

There!  I have said it!

I loathe writing, especially when I have to make that final decision!

I love brainstorming that is fun, the research is fun too and sharing my ideas is fun – but sitting down in the solitude of writing is boring!  The writing process and the editing is boring!  All I want to do is play with ideas and make visuals.

This is why I will say I have no confidence in becoming a published author.  I will try, but I know me… I know it won’t happen because I have trouble finalising!

It’s especially problematic when I am doing this alone.

I have no one who truly loves brainstorming with me, to share my ideas with, to hear their ideas and to feed off of each other’s energies and enthusiasm!

I am in it by myself and it is boring!

Not only this, but I am surrounded by people who think so highly of my work that they believe I will become a multi-millionaire sensation within a year of approaching an agent… I’m a realist; I know it’s not going to happen!

Too many things will get in the way of that – one major thing is my accessibility to be contacted outside of email.  I am deaf, profoundly deaf and I have no technology available to me to get around that.  I rely on Paul to take all my phone-calls for me – we have never sought help because we don’t know how to do that in Warwickshire, also I rely on Paul to have the energy to phone these places on my behalf.

Yeah, so, I am stuck.

So, I have decided to do things the hard way… the way I usually do things anyway, I am weird like that, one of these people who finds simplicity in difficulty; like I burn eggs on toast, but I can make a soufflé, however I digress!

I am going to get around this, though I am certain I will fail the October 21st deadline, no matter how much I am writing towards that!  Based on the idea that I don’t think I’d find representation! So, what am I going to do?

I have never done this before, surprise, shock, horror!  I have never had beta readers outside of friends of family, I have never joined a writers group – but I am going to do that.  Not yet though, because I really can’t afford the £10 a week bus fare at the moment, but our finances is improving in November because Paul officially retires!  So until then I am pretty much stuck in the house.

This particular group I have occasionally spoken to online are really super, because at least half of the members of the group are also into amateur dramatics, something I am keen to get back into!  I want to write a play as well as books, I want to screen write, so they will help me gain the experience I need for that as well as making much needed friends!

Gosh, I sound so sad!

Also I have found a friend that has given me access to a free course in learning how to make my own short films and get into film making; hopefully my new friends in this writing group will take a part in that, I hate doing things alone!

I am also keen to get back into music, because musical theatre is particularly interesting to me and I miss singing and playing my instruments tremendously!  Most of my poems were meant to be songs as I think about composing music for the lyrics as much as I think about writing stories! 

I don’t think you realise that I am a lyricist, composer and performer as much as I am a writer?

My dad and my aunts got me into almost all of this, because they played the piano, bugle, trumpet and the harmonica, they were always singing and they were into amateur theatre as well, mostly as comedians and worked with cockney performers for monthly specials for local nursing homes!

Also they were members of the Salvation Army and played musical instruments in bands around malls and markets at Christmas and my own grandmother was also a majorette and taught me some of the moves, though I am not very good at it like she was!  She also told me that her own mother was a cancan dancer in America before marrying her dad – imagine that, because I can’t! 

So, I think I found the group I want to be part of.

I have to admit, I don’t have much support about it from my immediate family.

They only want the writing done, because I think they believe there is money in it!  Insert eye roll here!

Nobody is happy that I am planning some kind of social life and independence that doesn’t include them in every tiny detail, because they are so used to be being home all day and doing nothing!  As I said before, it’s like they resent I am getting better in most things!

So this time next year, I hope to be a part of this local writing group and maybe starting amateur dramatics again?

I need something to be excited about, since my main thing has fallen flat on its face lately.  I won’t go into that here; it’s a bit too personal.  But let’s just say, I really need to find something to look forward to that won’t disappoint again, because the dark thoughts are creeping back again.

I’d rather brainstorm with people than anything else, do art or motivate others or make others happy or entertained. 

I will write books, though I find the process boring, because I have too many good ideas to waste them.  I’ve always been motivated to write because of movies, not because I love writing.  Let’s be very clear and honest about that.  It’s not the writing I love, but the process of thinking about ideas and sharing them with others.

Maybe I am a shallow needy person?  But that’s what makes me happy and I can’t help that!

So, yeah, that’s what I wanted to say.

Sorry to disappoint anyone.

But the work will get done, despite what I said.

Happy reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

A view of me

I am not confident in front of the camera because my body is unpredictable. 

What I mean is, one day my face looks slim and the next huge – I swell and it’s completely random and unpredictable.  Along with this my body can change hugely from one day to the next too, for example – I am not happy sharing my clothing size, but I will to help explain this!

I have to buy three sizes of clothing because one day I will be a size 20 and the next nearly a size 26, why this happens?  I haven’t a clue!  The doctors haven’t either, but they are pretty sure it has something to do with one of my auto-immunity disorders.

Yesterday all my clothing over a size 22 was huge on me, today, it’s a little tight.

Because I am sometimes a size 20, in fact most of the time I am a size 20 I presume that is my true natural size, but tomorrow I may wake up and only fit into size 26 clothing, literally this can happen overnight!

I have been trying to get to the bottom of this for years!

I am not confident with my looks because of it – I have to literally take a change of clothing with me when I go out for a few hours at a time, because I could start to swell and the clothing cuts into me!

I am also not confident because alopecia is really getting bad lately – the GP told me it is something that happens with people who are suffering from long Covid.

Recently I am excited about my looks starting to improve, because I have had a tooth extraction and I will soon be getting braces to straighten my smile, but that doesn’t solve the swelling and the hair issue!

I also found out recently that a large mole that was on my face was actually a treatable wart and it has now entirely gone!

I am really working hard to improve my looks, because I am not happy in my own skin; but it’s hard to manage when I never know from one day to the next what size I’ll wake up!

My confidence is also bashed because there has been private messages to me about how they believe I am either not the same person photo to photo or that I am rehashing old photographs all the time!

That is partly true; my photographs are mostly old ones – but it’s going to change because I intend to update Instagram at least once a week to show you all how I change so significantly in such a short space of time!

Below is a photograph I have taken tonight – my face is significantly larger than it was yesterday, my chin has doubled up, sometimes it triples up – we don’t know why!  But my face can sometimes get wider too!

Taken on the 2nd August 2022

We used to think it was due to food allergens, but we tested this over a five year period and to be honest there was hardly any change to this phenomenon!

Below is a picture of how I used to look I 2017 when I was actually 305llbs in weight!  Yes, 305llbs – my biggest ever size due to not handling my food intake well for a sedentary bedbound lifestyle – I was basically still eating like an athlete without moving my body! I used to eat 4500 calories a day and burn it off, but when I got sick it didn’t register for a while that I can’t eat like that anymore!

Taken in 2017

Why am I showing you all of this? 

I am bothered by an ex-boyfriend and his cult members they are actively doing whatever they can to “expose” me by proclaiming I am not a genuine person in any way possible.  They are seeking to destroy my reputation no matter how small a circle it is I am in, let me be clear on that!  I am unsure what they are trying to expose other than the fact that they are grudge harbouring bullies…. But hey ho!

You’d have thought after thirteen years of not being together they’d move on, but evidently not.  What I am confused about is their reaction when we broke off – they are the ones who expected me to make sense on a telephone six hours after ear repairing surgery and were so forceful in their demands that I socialise with them because they missed me (because he lived in the USA) that when I was tired I said something they misunderstood.  I said I needed time out as I just had surgery, he took it as I needed time out from him and that meant to him that I was dumping him – the vicious reaction online the next day to anyone connected to me was shocking and horrible and lead to death threats from people!

I lost a lot of friends because of him and he still hasn’t got over it.

This is what is so frustrating about it all.

It’s a very large group of people who all seem held bent defending this guy’s honour, when in fact, as far as I was concerned then, it was just a stupid misunderstanding… I had an operation for goodness sake; I was still under the influence of anaesthetic and he kept me on the phone for nearly two hours, I was practically falling asleep!

But I digress…

Here is a photo a year later…

Taken in 2018 and 50 pounds lighter

I have since lost a further forty pounds, I am still big – but when you consider the weight loss is not really due to dieting, but illness, it is a little good but also a little worrying for my family.  As I do have a sedentary lifestyle, I am sick and I am eating approximately 1200 calories a day on average, because I have huge digestive issues where eating is actually becoming painful.

We are trying to resolve matters with the help of doctors but the NHS is suffering hugely because of the pandemics, that their waiting lists are huge now.

I am having more good days recently in regards to energy – but pain is always present.  So I am starting to get the energy to be able to go out for a walk once a week for twenty minutes – I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you consider I have been bed bound for eight years, it’s a good start!

I don’t think I can be truly happy with myself until I can get back the fitness I used to have back in 2012 where I woke up and did 45 minutes tae bo and walked 9 miles a day on average and then did another 45 minutes of tae bo in the evening amongst other activities such as badminton, hiking, rock climbing, skipping, swimming and more!   I need that life back! 

A lot of my ailments could be severe depression, but all of this started after I had mono and pneumonia in the Christmas of either 2012 or 2013 I forget which.  I did fall into a nasty depression in 2015 where for about three years I was struggling with suicidal thoughts because my illness was just taking its toll so much and I could do nothing!  I couldn’t even breathe between sentences.

But there is a handle on that now, I can breathe long enough to talk several sentences now – but it is hard to talk and walk at the same time. 

Because I have a lot of baggage and dirt in my past – including people who know my dreams for being a published author, just waiting for my name to be out there so they can pounce on my past and “expose it” to try and embarrass me back into my hole because they are ashamed they can’t have what I might get – I have decided to reveal all… expose myself as it were… dragging up all the sordid details of my past, because the past doesn’t define me – what defines me is what I am now and what I have become and what I will become in the future!

The past is the past – it is dead and gone, I am not – I exist, the past is extinct, the future is possible and I am living and learning as I am going along and I am forgiving too – so why aren’t they?

Why do they live in an extinct reality?

It’s not just a career I am trying to get by the end of this year sweethearts… it’s everything; I am out for all I can get from life!  I am really trying to work hard on every level of my existence and I am going to share my journey with you all along the way!

Watch this fat old ugly caterpillar transform!

Thanks for reading! 

1 Comment

Filed under About Me