Tag Archives: clown

A silly dream

One thing I didn’t realise or remember about having an Alexa Echo Dot thingy, is that I can get to hear my kindle books on it, spoken aloud by Alexa herself!  I am excited about that because my Kindle stopped working around two years ago I had loads of books on it, downloaded a load of free classic literature.

Today I sat through and heard the first three chapters of The Castle of Otranto by Horace Walpole, for the first time – it’s quite a good read actually.  I have wanted to read that story for years!

I can totally understand why so many classic horror novelists have owed their inspiration to it!

Because of the book and because of the music, I have found myself daydreaming about my vampires again – yes I know there are no vampires in the story, but still, the thought is there.

The music I have been listening today have been my vampire playlist, but I have started to create a new vampire playlist now, one that concentrates mostly on classical music because of the time period I am thinking about.

My music tastes are more than just a little bit eclectic; I do in fact listen to classical music about half the time actually and my paternal family has always been into classical music and that side of the family has always been musical and involved with entertainment in some manner of speaking.

I for example, was classically trained in opera as a young child, until my mum got fed up forking out the money for something she didn’t find productive, my dad and his family were very distressed at her stopping this.

I love a lot of different types of musical interests, Jazz, soul, rock and alternative with classical or classical fusion and world music.  I have never been to a music concert before, unless you include local classical orchestra that is and nobody really wants to hear that I have gone to those, because they expect you to say some cooler like a rock band or something.

But I have always been a huge fan of Vivaldi, George Gershwin, Beethoven, Vaughn Williams and Tchaikovsky to name but a few.  I even like modern classical from John Williams, Alan Silvestre and Brad Fiedel which are movie composers.

I am one of these strange people that when she watches a movie, she lets the whole thing consume her – the visuals, the acting, the audio – background music, it is all taken in by me.  I am not happy to just watch a movie and enjoy it; I like to know where that music came from in scene whatever and well that’s just me, I am a geek, what can I say?

Since I was very small I had loads of dreams about being some kind of composer myself, lyricist, but also a director or something along those lines.  But the thing is I could never narrow down what I wanted to focus on, because I like the whole caboodle. 

I want to be an artist, I want to do the music, I want to design the costumes, I want to help the props, I want to write songs, I want to write the stories and for a good few years as a child I used to roleplay being a radio DJ too!

But because I can’t focus which one, I never threw myself into it, because I would literally run around trying to do the whole thing!

I have so many interests and I let a project consume me, I remember when I was in college I was part of an amateur dramatics group and I couldn’t choose my focus and my friends loved me, but found my lack of focus on one or two aspects very frustrating and distracting!

They loved my dedication but would often cry into their hands about “Tina, please just focus”!

Most of them pushed me into the acting, writing or prop making as they felt those things were my best strengths.  But I wasn’t keen on the acting, though they kept trying to steer me into it as they believed I was amazing.  But I didn’t want that, I knew that, I knew that I didn’t want that part of it, but I wanted everything else, lol.

In the last few weeks of being in that group, I was primarily writer and they enjoyed it – but then they started to try and shift my genre focus.   “You do better horror and psychological thrillers than anything else” they said.

By that time I knew my time was up, because my mum didn’t like me doing this in my spare time after college, she wanted me home in the evenings and didn’t like how many friends I was making and didn’t like me leaving the college to go into London with my friends to do things like street miming.

I love mime artists.

Recently I have new desires and I am not taking myself seriously over it, because I am starting way too late.

This new desire is one of the reasons why I am losing weight and trying to get good fitness levels back.  I want to join an adult beginner’s gymnastics class, as silly as that sounds.

Because my whole life I have wanted to do something and I had never confessed it to anyone because of how stupid it is!

I am one of these people who want to run away with the circus, kind of – but not quite!

Since I was a child I would often find myself listening to classical music and imagining myself as a circus acrobat, primarily trapeze, trampolines or tight rope walking.  I often saw myself in the circus glamour and doing my stuff – but more recently, as silly as it sounds, I have thought of myself doing this in a comedy sketch form.  A clown in fact, but I am not interested in any circus.  I am inspired by the Cirque Du Soleil.

I know it will take me around fifteen years to get to the standard they would hire, so this is why I am not taking myself seriously.

It’s just a stupid big dream of mine.

I have even thought about the clown design I would have for myself.

I don’t want it as a long term career, I just want to do my show on tour for a year and then give up, because it is something I would have worked hard to do and ticked off my bucket list – one of the BIG dream tick offs!

But as I said, I don’t think it will ever happen and it is just a silly dream after all, I can barely walk two miles without coming to my knees right now – still recovering from eight years of bedbound sickness, this is why I am not taking it seriously.

But I am totally in love with The Cirque Du Soleil.

I sent an email to a local disabled adult beginners gymnastics tutor today, she said twenty hours a week for ten to fifteen years and I could do my dream and no, forty years old is not too old to be accomplished in that!

There are many silly dreams I don’t share.

Thanks for reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me, Defining myself

Romance with death

So many things are taking up space in my mind over the past few days; I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything but emotional presence, which is strange because I usually try to avoid acknowledging my emotions as much as possible, or at least as minimal as possible.

I don’t really know much about meditation other than what I have learned in books and on YouTube.

I have never had a guided meditation – so I don’t really know if the meditation I did a few days ago called “Who am I”? Has anything to do with it, but it’s a strange coincidence if it hasn’t.

When I am not drifting off into trance-like stupors losing twenty minutes a time, I try to sit and focus on writing something for my blog or towards my stories or reading a book, only for me to be absorbed yet again in my emotions.

There is a voice at the back of my head telling me that I need to go through this process as it is healing me in preparation for something big coming into my life.

If I want to cry, do it – but I still try to hold back.

I never did get into the crying yoga I said I was interested in – I kind of know deep down it is something I need… but I still hold back.

I often try not to be emotionally present so it is all new to me.  I try to shut away my emotions into a coffin, put it into a wardrobe and throw the wardrobe into a lake tied up with ropes and rocks so I don’t remember them… until a drought comes at least.

Not that I fly tip or anything, I am being metaphorical – some people can take things too seriously!

I think there are some readers out there that takes me too seriously too – sometimes when my depression kicks in and I make all these creative works of poetry, I sometimes sit back and laugh at how tragic I was for those moments and I feel stupid and slightly embarrassed by yet another emotional outburst. 

I think it is good for you to know that sometimes when I have got it all out creatively, I do laugh at myself – because of how pathetic I come across.  Some days though, I am quite serious and often think about death very seriously after writing such things… but a good third to near half of the time I find humour in my tragedy, like some kind of sad clown story.

I do see myself as a pitiful sad clown a lot of the time.  The kind of clown that will sit in the grey in dirty dusty clown clothes, with a black cone hat and grey pom poms on it, sitting miserably alone in their own grey tragedy – then suddenly opens the door of their house to jump off the cliff that’s waiting just beyond the threshold only he is saved by a rainbow bridge and whilst he is standing on that rainbow bridge he magically transforms into a colourful rainbow clown and laughs at his own sorrow and skips off down the curve of the rainbow to play with the faeries!

Well that’s how I visualise myself anyway.

Dark sense of humour at times!

But you have to admit though, the depths I go, the sarcasm at times, the irony etc. – I see myself as ironic, my humour is definitely ironic and I know because I have been told multiple times that my humour is lame – but you’ve got to admit, sometimes it’s funny?

Was never meant to be, but boy I can get too deep at times cant I? Its almost like a romance with death and despair!

Well, if I didn’t laugh I’d cry and which one is better eh?

I’m trying so hard not to be a Sylvia Plath, not going down her route.

However, my depression is very real.  Have no doubt about that.

Thank you for reading… 

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me

The Hanged Man

Like the fool

I ran with the dog at the edge of the cliff

Like the fool I stumble to the ground

I am like a silly clown

Because I do not hit the ground at all

A branch has broken my fall

I am like the hanged man now

Hanging on this bough

The sun has come to laugh at me

Laugh at me because I’m not free

Dangling on this bough

The moon has come with her fears

The fear that I shall fall on spears

Down below my wooden bough

Afraid I will fall somehow

The ten of swords look up at me

I look down on them in glee

For they cannot touch me see

And the star knows too and laughs

Tee hee

The hermit has found me dangling here

He has come to end moons fear

He has sent a rope to me

To free this hanged man from this tree

The chariot also helps with ease

To pull me up from the tree

And settled me by the cups three

So we all can drink a cup of tea

For a job well done

In saving me!

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Jingle Jangle

Jingle jangle

My hearts entangled

You’ve squeezed my heart and it’s in pain

Jingle jangle

My heart is mangled

I can’t bare this pain

Again

Now what are you doing to me?

My heart deserves to be free

Now what are you doing to me?

My heart feels the squeeze

Now what are you doing to me?

Are you breaking me down to feel good, sweet clown?

Or are you afraid of losing me and being down…

I can’t get your hand away from my heart

Your squeeze in and it feels like a dart

Jingle jangle my heart is mangled in your hands tonight

Jingle jangle my heart is entangled in your hands tonight

I can’t bare this fight

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Pierrot the paint thrower

Today’s abstract thoughts took me to these places;

I was imagining my favourite movie soundtrack “Good Omens” and in my imagination I was proficient in playing this tune on a recorder, I was sitting on the top step of a step ladder, watching a cute guy who walked a bit like Charlie Chaplin painting an abstract picture of a candy world.

He was enjoying the music I was playing and every so often he would call out a colour and I would throw it into the general direction of the canvas and he would be happy!

“Pink” he shouted and I threw the bucket of pink paint at the canvas and he wiped it down on the canvas making lovely pink foliage for the flanks of the picture and I continued playing the recorder, getting off the steps slowly and gracefully whilst doing a solo waltz around the artist.

He then shouts “white” and I dip a large paintbrush into the pot of white paint and playfully throw my left arm out to the sides splashing the artwork all in seemingly perfect choreography – again he looked happy and continued painting in the clouds.

A little white dog, a Jack Russell terrier to be precise, came and sat next to me dancing with my recorder, still playing The Good Omens tune. 

I noticed in this vision I was a sky blue and pink Pierrot style clown and the little white dog had a silver and pink ruff around him, instead of a collar.

I was soon interrupted in my imaginings by Paul, who said it was time to get Henry to bed!

But these are the things that I imagine but are never put to use in a novel or story or anything, such a shame as I love sharing my thoughts with anybody who is willing to listen! 

Thanks for reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under Abstract Thoughts

Lifes clown

Life is like a clown

Balancing me on stilts

This is why I am strange

My brain is on a tilt

I am mad can’t you see?

This is what life has done to me!

I’m unusual and I’m strange

Some might say I am deranged

But they should really know

Life’s clown is my foe

And I’m slipping off these stilts

Very slowly I do wilt like a flower dying slowly

In a pot that’s never watered falling down

Because the clown

Forgets to water me

And I am very slowly going brown

Going round – the twist maybe

But I am dying of a thirst

That is never ever quenched

Because the clowning wrench forgot to water me

And so here I am, stuck in this flower pot

And it’s getting really hot

And I will die

So very slowly

Because life’s clown

Forgot

To

Water

Me!

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Blue spooky clown girl

I have a playlist for everything and some of my playlists are downright weird to people who walk in on me listening to them!

I regard my music tastes as more than just a little bit eclectic, I like songs or tunes from every genre, though my main focus is on rock and the 80s – those aren’t weird, those are permissible as relatively normal but my candyland playlist?  My lullaby playlist?  How about my end of the world playlist or the vampire playlist?  Yes, these are playlists I actually have!

Currently I have been stuck between the playlists of lullaby’s and circuses for the past two days, which is dangerous really because it is making me think of my fairground and circus stories, which have been put on the back bench for nearly three years and I really shouldn’t encourage it!

Because I should be concentrating on project AD and the lesbian steampunk more than anything else, which in turn, has their own playlists too!

But I am just in a spooky carnival, haunted circus and creepy fairground mood right now!

Coincidentally, today is a spooky day for me… in fashion I think I would find it hard not to be some kind of weird gothic/emo Pierrot today.  I feel like dressing primarily in white and royal blue and silver, but also feel like wearing a lot of strange make up which kind of turns me into some kind of weird silver blue clown – don’t ask why, I get days like these!

I don’t expect to make any sense!

LOL

But knowing me I’d hold back even if I could do it, because, you know… I find it boring explaining my every waking thought to people time and time again, when they ask me “why”?

People don’t accept it’s just a spooky Pierrot day, is all!

Which is funny really, because I initially woke up thinking it was definitely a white, cream, ivory, caramel or linen day, with an emphasis as always with something fluffy worn, with baggy white trousers or something.  But you know, in America I’d probably get shot for it or something.  Paul mentioned something about Labour Day.

Well anyway, I feel a mix of the two.

I do feel so tempted to go back to the spooky circus story though, it’s kind of connected to a short story I wrote on here a few years back called “Casey’s Crown” – not sure if it is still available on here or not – use the search bar and see! 

Thanks for reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under Who am I today?

Witches don’t like bitches

Trials and tribulations
I have this stipulation
If you don’t trust someone then you never will
I have this situation and an indication
That you will do me ill
So why should I stick around?
You’re trying to fool me, like some stupid clown
It’s not going to work
Go away you jerk!
Why do you always lurk?
You’re a stalker, that’s why I smirk
I can’t be with you
Go away
Did you hear me?
Go away – find someone else who’ll play
Why don’t you just fade away into an early grave?
Don’t misbehave!
Witches don’t like so called tough bitches that can’t walk the walk
Bitches that won’t stop the talk
Why don’t you stop your squawk?
Yes I’m talking to you bitch!

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Carnival of Lost Souls

This is NOT my personal work http://www.amazon.co.uk/Carnival-Lost-Souls-Nox-Arcana/dp/B000FOT9EE/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1436560945&sr=8-4&keywords=Nox+Arcana

A lot of my work comes about because of the thoughts that come to my mind when I listen to certain music; my inspiration changes with each kind of music I listen to, this is why I love instrumental music, particularly that from Nox Arcana.
I have all of their albums, they are essential for me to work effectively. Never before has a band affected me in such a way as Nox Arcana. Their music is exactly the kind of atmosphere I need to set my brain into for my work in fantasy and horror writing and art.

I might very well review each album or song separately someday, but the most listened to album for me is this one – Carnival of Lost Souls.

The amount of fantasy horror I’ve thought of. I have even thought about a comic series because of this music, this along with (sorry, something not Nox Arcana related) = The Honky Tonk Merry-go-round by Patsy Cline. Oh the things I have dreamt, thank you Nox Arcana, very much for this one. Johnny Depp is going to love you all the more if he ever reads my stuff and found out his new nightmares were inspired by you. *insert evil laugh here*.

Since I lost Cubase many moons ago, my computer isn’t hooked up with music composing software anymore (and I can’t read or write music, but I can play by ear and compose – with the software). My music was similar to Nox Arcana, that’s why I love it so much. I think the band must be within my soul group or something? Anyway, once I figured out how to configure my old Microsoft XP files onto my new computer (perhaps in Neverwhere) I will load up my old music and share it. Otherwise, if I really am in Neverwhere with that then my old music has been lost in the ethers of time forever. *Insert forlorn pierrot here*.

My creativity really is controlled by the type of music that’s around me at the time. In the times of no music, I tend to write flatly and that’s only suitable when I am writing non-fiction or essays.

Now being deaf, I rely heavily on vibrations, lip-reading and my two hearing aids and I am not looking forward to the day that my consultant said is in the near future, that I will lose my hearing altogether. Unfortunately at the time this was said to me, the consultant in question told me that there is nothing they can do to repair my hearing if the worst case scenario crops up, thankfully I know someone in the ENT department abroad who says that’s utter tosh. So fingers crossed that I will never lose my hearing completely.

I don’t know what I would do without my Nox Arcana!

Leave a comment

Filed under About my work, Reviews

The man in the picture by Susan Hill

The man in the picture by Susan Hill

As a lover of anything to do with carnivals, masquerades, festivals, harlequins and circus’s as well as plunging into the depths of horror stories and movies, I found this novel absolute pleasure. Never before had I ever read a whole novel in one sitting, taking just 90 minutes, I was heavily pregnant with my first born son and it was just after 1am when I started, I thought I would only read a few pages before falling asleep, but I couldn’t, I just could not put the book down, it was like I was under some kind of spell.
It is an addictive read, I want more books of this kind and I have found myself looking subconsciously for stories of a similar theme over the past five years, never finding anything as compelling or as long as this masterpiece and I must say that is disappointing.
I both love and hate books that compel me so.
At first glance it would seem familiar in a Dorian Grey kind of way, but it isn’t – it is like a ghost story, but that’s not quite right either, the plot is simple, but fantastic. I am surprised it isn’t more widely known; I am surprised that Susan Hill fans have never made much of a scene of this novel as they have with “I’m the king of the castle” or “The woman in black”, but then that is hardly surprising as I rarely see this book on shelves in libraries or stores.
I think it should someday become known as a classic horror story, though its elusiveness to the public may be a detriment for that to become so.

Leave a comment

Filed under Reviews