Tag Archives: children

Femininity in the family

My feminine influences growing up!

I was raised by an unglamorous tom boy, who was never without her pair of jeans, white t-shirts or turtle necks under thick jumpers or oversized blouses, she preferred sandals to heels or trainers and she never wore make up and her hair was always cropped short and her nails were always bitten back and sore looking.

That thankfully, was not my only feminine reference growing up and I yearned for my mother to be more like her sisters or cousins, because the majority of my family oozed femininity – even my mum would say she was the black sheep of her family and to see her amongst her sisters and cousins in photo shoots you’d believe it!

I spent a lot of my childhood being shunted around – again, thankfully!  Because I grew to be influenced by other people about what it means to be a woman rather than taking guidance from my mother, which was practically non-existent!

What did my mother teach me about being a woman?  That women are always burdened upon and are doomed of having a life of sexual harassment and fighting for their rights on a constant basis.  That when you get married you have to train your husband  and she was being serious too!  She really believed these things!

She never wanted me to grow up and have a relationship or have children, but she did tell me if I were inclined to do so that I’d need to get a professional man who doesn’t want children and who is smaller than me and submissive!

Not on your Nellie, that’s not my type at all mum, sorry!

My influences were from women who insisted that just because you are married to a man it doesn’t mean you let yourself go, you know?  You have to keep a certain standard, you have to make an effort or then whose fault is it if they strayed?

Don’t bite your nails dear, put nice things in your hair and if you are not going to bother wearing make up at least make an effort to pinch your cheeks and wear lip gloss instead!

You want a nice man who will look after you, protect you and make you feel loved and safe and you want to be able to support him as much as you can and treat him like a king!

Hearing this being spouted to me at a young age, my mother’s reactions was often covering my ears up and giving short nasty criticisms to whoever was poisoning her daughter to become a man’s slave!

Shame on you!  Shame on the lot of you and to think where women have come from, only for stupid women like you to talk the next generation back a hundred years! 

Don’t you listen to them my girl, they are wrong; you don’t need that, you are better off far away from all of THAT!

That was my influence growing up and I still stick to my aunts and cousins concepts and steer well clear of my mother’s!

On my dad’s side of the family, up until the 90s it was quite common for the older generation to help you look for your husband if they knew you were leaning towards wanting a family at a young age.  My mother hated that about them – my grandmother knew when I was fifteen that I only wanted a career because my mother and big brother expected me to have one of their choosing, not my own.  But ultimately I wanted a large family and work from home either as a writer, designer or childminder. 

When I was seventeen my grandmother had found some nice young gentlemen to set me up with, but my mum got furious about it and it is one of the many reasons why mum decided never to speak to my dad’s mum again.

I had to listen to my mum, though I liked what gran was doing, because it’s been a thing I’ve wanted my whole life – a large traditional family.  Had I of started young, it would have been fun to see how many children I would have had by now!  I know a second cousin who is the baby of 17 and she too had 17 children of her own so large families are not uncommon in my family!

But I am forty now and only with one child and it really has never been my intention to have such a small family, fate was taken out of my hands.

It has left a deep hollow in me; it is something I have never accepted looking back in my life.  I am hugely envious of women who are running alive with kids!

I think I would have been healthier for it too, if I had got my way.  I don’t live for myself, I live for other people and when you have just one child and his father completely takes over and pushes your nose out of the way all the time, it makes you feel unwanted and useless – I think that’s why I got sick.

On my dad’s side of the family, they are feminine too, but they are a different kind of feminine than my mother’s side of the family.

My mother’s side of the family are very glamorous and are often mistaken for rich women.  The kind of women who feel naked without make up, stink of expensive perfume, wearing heels and have three inch long decorated nails with diamante on them.  One or two are unethical fur enthusiasts and all of them spend an hour on their hair a day!

Their focus is mostly to please their man, care for their looks, socialise with friends and then the children come somewhere after all that! 

My dad’s side of the family are the old fashioned but very maternal types.  To the women in that side of the family, it is you feed the man and take care of him when he is sick and support him in most of his endeavours if he is sensible, but outside of this you don’t dare come between a woman and her children!

The children come before everything after the basic care of the husband, the house cleaning is next, self-maintenance and then friends if you have the time – but as long as self-maintenance and friends doesn’t interfere with you becoming a good citizen, volunteering at charities and attending church or entertaining the elderly in nursing homes.

These women dress in simple country clothing, floral dresses with lace and mid shin and tend to wear pearls.

They also have the same ration ratio per family, the man gets the biggest portion, then the kids and the women tend to go hungry if they are poor or have meagre rations in comparison.

This is why almost all the women in that side of the family are gardeners, they grow most of their own food and have a “be prepared” attitude to life, as most of them were girl guides in their past!

They are the women who will eat left over from the day before or make soup from them, unlike my mother’s side of the family who seem to have a phobia of all food once it’s been opened or cooked!

As I was growing up, my mother’s family regarded me as an anomaly, because there I was a mere slip of a girl telling them what they can do to budget their food and how to save money.   Because I had learned it all by staying with my paternal relatives!

My dad’s family also taught things like sewing by hand, basketry and all sorts of things. 

Whereas my mother’s family knit only when they are past 50yrs of age and before then have no idea about darning socks and whatnot.

My family to onlookers would appear to be like Last of the summer wine ladies at tea Vs the Kardashians.  Or putting them as individuals my dad’s family as a whole woman would be Emma Thompson’s Karen from Love Actually vs Elizabeth Taylor.   Whereas my mum is more like Ellen Degeneres!

I like to consider this has made me more like Dolly Parton, well eventually lol!  She is like a good healthy mix of the two!

Anyway, those are my feminine influences according to how I was raised by my family and I have a lot of sprucing up to do, because being sick for so long has made me lazy.  I am looking forward to transitioning back to the old vain me again! 

Thank you for reading!

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Filed under Home and Family, What inspired me?

My themes & project AD

Here are the main themes I love to write about and I know it has been published in another post before, but I thought it would be good to have it as a post all on its lonesome as a sort of reference post.

My first favourite theme to write about are vampires and their perspective on life and existence, their lifestyle, the drama that goes on in their societies etc.

My secondary favourite literary choice is stereotypical fantasy stories based on dragons, battle and magic! 

My third one is anthropomorphic animals or seeing things from an animal’s perspective and explaining their lives through adventure or almost journalistic storytelling. 

My fourth favourite theme are anything pertaining to childhood wonder, Christmas and Easter stories, Santa, The Easter Bunny, nursery rhyme worlds, toys coming to life, that sort of thing.

My fifth favourite theme to write is stories about inventors and gadget creators in a post-apocalyptic world or perhaps even a steampunk world!

My sixth choices are giants or little people and how they see the world around them and what their stories are. 

My seventh favourite theme is stories about descent into madness or haunting memories or even haunted places, ghosts of both the mind and the ethereal.

The eighth theme is anything with regards to circus performers, carnivals, fairgrounds, fortune tellers and clowns.

The ninth favourite theme to write about is stereotypical war between gods and the underworld and the battle of control over mortality and or power, I especially like gas lighting stories or stories from a twisted perspective.

The tenth theme is stories about magical water/sea creatures or sea life, such as pirates, mermaids, kelpies and sea monsters or travellers of the sea.

Many of my stories will contain at least one of the above in order to keep me interested in writing them, sometimes they may have more than one theme going on for example; my project AD has five of the above themes in it.

There is a small vampire scene in it, with anthropomorphic animals in a post-apocalyptic, steampunk world that experiences a huge gaslight to their existence and in one characters case a descent into madness and a fight for reality and a real battle as well – along with this there are inventors of gadgets and a new way of life for everyone involved in the story!

It’s a project I am really excited about and this particular project has saved my creative life – because without it I very nearly gave up writing altogether.  It is rare for me to have more than two themes in any story, so when I get one that has this many themes in it – it really gets my heart singing!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About my work, Current Projects

Lost poetry & young love

The world has lost seven new poems in the past two days.

When I write a poem I am in a certain emotional state or a semi-trance and I write them; if I am disturbed sometimes it is OK if it is for a few seconds, but seven poems in the past two days has been interrupted for five minutes or more with much needed emotional feedback which meant the poem was half finished and the flow was gone, so they got deleted. 

I never get the flow back ever again when a poem has been interrupted in its creation, there were times in the past I put the unfinished poems into a folder on my computer and I have tried to get back into that space but it never happens – so poems that are disturbed like that are lost forever, so now I delete them.

Every poem I write always ends up on my blog; this is another reason why my blog has been so quiet.  There is a lot of emotional turmoil going on within the house and people want my response to what’s going on because I am the mother of the house; however, when you are mother of a house where your opinion doesn’t matter, what can I do other than sit there, give whatever emotional support I can, sit and shrug and say – “you know I can’t do anything about love”.

Its hard being a mother to a child and making suggestions for that child when the father has opposing ideas and is very strong-minded and shoots my opinions down like we’re in a war against each other!

It’s even harder when you know your child has come to you to speak to you in private because he doesn’t want his dad to get on his case again for his honest opinion about the situation.  So when he asks you for help, you have no choice but to talk to the father and then realise that the father seeks the child about it and starts the mini wars again. So the child asks for help, you tell them, I need to speak with dad and he asks you not to, or sometimes he says ok, but you know it’s always the same. It’s more difficult than you can know!

It is very difficult knowing too, that when you tell your child you are separating and in a few months’ time will be moving out – that this child choses to stay with the person he rarely goes to for any emotional comfort simply because he wants to stay in this house (which he will inherit as it’s in a trust for him) and to stay in his school with his friends because he doesn’t like the concept of change.

It’s hard because you know in your heart that his emotional declination is almost assured if he stays.

But as stupid and irresponsible as it sounds, my child is thirteen in May and in my opinion I should honour his life decisions whether or not it hurts me – that’s the kind of liberal parenting I do.  It’s all about my child, not me, that’s the way I am.

His father is much more conservative about raising children, education comes before anything – that includes emotions. I often joke that Paul is like a cross between Data and Spock, but in actuality it isn’t funny!

There are times when Henry gets emotional about not being able to do a question in his homework and I swear Paul is struggling to hold back from saying “Being emotional about this question is illogical, you need to do the homework now and do the emotional reflection later.”

It’s Henry’s choice to stay here and I am not going to wrench him away from what he wants, simply because my ego has told me I know better than him.

Maybe I am a bad parent, but for me, I want him to be happy and thrive in a way that doesn’t cause any unnecessary stress for him, also he has a girlfriend, he is dating already and so who can split up young love like that without having some huge pangs of guilt?

Thanks for reading…

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Filed under About my work, Home and Family

Why are we forsaken?

Some fell on the wayside

Some were thrown there as betrayers

For they had allied with our slayers

And we knew

So we did what we had to do

The so-called faithful

Met their fateful

They cry alone why are we forsaken and left within the blue?

Because we knew what was true

The raven saw, this is why she flew

Saw the trickery which was within you

And flew onto pastures new

To continue and recoup

Know thy enemy be the word

A tricky one is our black bird

Did you really think you could outwit the raven, to steal her children from New Haven?

Especially when she works for God?  Claw and beak she saw the fraud

And took her children clean away

So they can innocently play, within New Eden one summer’s day

Whilst you will always cry and say…

Why am I forsaken?

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Their mouths

The world mouths at me

Their mouths bite

Their mouths jeer

Their mouths sneer at the sight of me

Me, the raven upon the wing

She who will save the children

She who obeys the word

She who will lead the herd to pastures new

The world sees me as darkness

But I shine bright my light

So bright it is as though I have blinded them

Poor children lost in night

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Said the raven

Who will save the children?

I, said the raven

Who will feed the children?

I, said the raven

Who will lead the children?

I, said the raven

Where will you take the children?

I, shan’t tell said the raven

Why shan’t you tell, raven?

For I will not betray them!

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The marketability of projects

For the past three months I have been struggling to write towards my novels because of family issues and other things going on that has taken up my time, such as learning new things, new skills, honing in old skills I have had and going more into my spiritual development.

Not witchcraft, spiritual development.

Along with the failure to add towards my novels these past few months, my Italian and French lessons have also been paused as well as maintaining my Morning Page Journals and daily reading goals.

But Henry and I have learned together how best to get things done, how we can avoid conflicts within the household and how we can both be warmer.  We both now spend time together upstairs in my room, whilst I write towards blog posts or research things.

This keeps Henry out of Paul’s hair whilst he cooks and whilst Paul does whatever Paul does.

It not only means that in the past two days I am less lonely, but it means that Henry is more relaxed and calm and is actually starting to smile more!

Henry is deeply concerned I am not writing my stories anymore, because he was looking forward to seeing the potential movies they could become!  He is more positive about them becoming movies than I am – but that’s the joy of the naiveté of childhood isn’t it?  Extreme optimism and putting ones parent on a pedestal!

So, Henry tersely asked me this question yesterday evening “when are you going to write more on your novel mama”? 

I told him that I didn’t know and he then said “why not tomorrow”?

So here I am six hours later at 3:13am on my laptop thinking about writing, now it’s tomorrow – question is, do I write towards the novel now until 5am and not wake up until 2pm or do I force myself to try and sleep for the next hour or so and write around noon when I wake up?

I am tempted to start writing something right now – I am not setting any goals for myself this time, just write what I write when I write it and hope that it’s more than five hundred words a day this time!

No sooner had I had this thought about writing, my brain has woken up and told me to write towards three of my current projects all at once… my brain still doesn’t understand the workings of a mortal two handed body does it?

My AD project, my lesbian steampunk project or my Easter project which should really be Christmas project first because it’s that time of year now I can play Christmas music without being unreasonable!

Though I suppose some of my author friends out there will think that Christmas music is always unreasonable!

So, here’s me sitting here thinking that I would like to rehash project AD from the beginning again, because an old idea is stale and I believe this new one will work better.  Thankfully the rehash will only affect the first three chapters of the novel, because the event is not mentioned in the other chapters!

But, I am still struggling with something in regards to this story… how to market it when it’s finished, what genre?  For me, I may market it as a children’s dystopian – but it doesn’t feel right. 

What’s in the story?  The world hasn’t fully jumped into a full out and out post-apocalypse; they are still transitioning through it, creatures are still mutating and they are fighting other mutated creatures in order to survive and in order to maintain personal territory.  The story contains various mythological creatures along with this too and some children befriend a group of bounty hunting animals who adopt them because they are orphans. 

It is stylised around being a steampunk world, filled with the innovations for survival with the relics around them – the storyline is set primarily on vengeance and survival of the fittest.

There are comedy elements as well as mild-for-children horror.

It’s an idea that has been frustrating me since Easter 2022 because I just want to write it down quickly, but circumstances have got in my way.

Once I manage to get back into writing regularly, I can see this novel being written rather quickly and what’s more, it’s a series that I had originally intended to be a comic or graphic novel – but as I am not confident in writing in that format just yet – it will have to do as a novelisation instead… perhaps the novel will come later?

But me being me, I have always had a good head for business – I don’t just see this as a novel or a movie or a bunch of comics, I see it for the potential merchandise it could have – toys etc.  The artist in me can see where this could lead and I do this almost for every story idea I have.

I know I shouldn’t, but I always think about the marketability – I do write for pleasure, but if you knew me well enough you’d know that I have always loved work and working things out and making things bigger than average!

Henry has already been helping me since the summer, design toy ideas based on characters I’ve told him about!

Upon reflection, this story is very much on par with the ideas of a superhero genre, which is why my inner business woman struggles to place it. 

Steampunk dark fantasy or children’s horror or superhero or middle grade dystopian… getting this right is vital for its success!

If I am honest I am much swayed to call it a superhero genre as it is very reminiscent of Batman and the league of super pets!  But the characters are so far removed that they have their own unique stance – in fact a friend once thought they sound like a mix of Mad Max meets The Island of Dr Moreau for kids!

Which made me smile as I never saw it until they said it!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About my work

He knows now

Well, something has occurred here today.

We have had a message today from Henry’s therapist.

I hate to say it, but I was proven right after all of these years that my Henry is actually on the autistic spectrum, I have known it since he was 5yrs old because I used to work with the mentally disabled when I lived in London; Paul however denied that his Henry is one of those.

Well today, Paul got a message from Henry’s therapist, expecting to hear a bipolar diagnosis, when in fact he is actually now officially autistic instead.

I am relieved that after all these years I have been proven right, because over the years I have tried to train Paul that raising an autistic child is very different to raising a regular child and I had tried to show him how to get the best from Henry – but Paul felt that it was unnecessary to change the way he parents with our boy, because Henry is not like that.

I am hoping the behaviours between my boys will change dramatically now that I have been proven right and hopefully Paul will become open to change.

I knew since Henry was 5yrs old because Henry had delayed speech and he has obsessions with lists, piles and grouping things.  He also used to walk on tippy-toes a lot and he has always been flappy, like a little chick.  He does better with a tight schedule and needs to constantly be on the go all of the time, doing something – but it has to be scheduled.  Outside of a tight schedule Henry’s behaviour becomes erratic, unpredictable and disharmonic.

Henry couldn’t speak in small sentences until he was 5yrs old, he would say things like, red ball play, rather than, let’s play with the red ball.

But as I have said in previous posts, my opinions about the boy is easily dismissed.

I am just really hurt right now that Paul dismissed my professional opinion over the opinion of certified practitioners, I know fully well that I can tell Paul how we should be handling Henry right now – but he will probably dismiss me again and again until the professionals tells him the same thing.  What upsets me is Paul usually lacks the grace to apologise when he is wrong.

So there you go, that’s what’s happening today, here in the family – we’ve also found out his school may be going bankrupt too, ho-hum.

Thanks for reading

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Top 10 dreams or imaginings

Top 10 of dreams or things regarding my imagination

Top 10 favourite scenes to imagine

Anything with caves or subterranean

A world made of candy

Dark street scenes

Scenes with rain

Scenes with fire

Vampires

Lost souls fighting against the odds

Spooky children

Circuses and carnival life

Ballroom and parties

Top 10 favourite movies to imagine replaying in my head but differently

Charlie and the chocolate factory with Gene Wilder

Disney’s Funny little bunnies

Rise of the guardians

Mad Max movies

Tank Girl

Hook

Batman movies

Labyrinth with David Bowie

Mr Magorium’s wonder emporium

Alice in wonderland with Martin Short as The Mad Hatter

Top 10 favourite books or stories to imagine and do differently

Gregor the overlander series by Suzanne Collins

Fool by Christopher Moore

The man in the picture by Susan Hill

Smoke and mirrors anthology by Neil Gaiman

Tales of the peculiar by Ransom Riggs

Charlie and the chocolate factory by Roald Dahl

James and the giant peach by Roald Dahl

Engelbert Sneem and His Dream Vacuum Machine by Daniel Postgate

The spider by Hanns Heinz Ewers

The Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkien

Top 10 repetitive dreams I have at night – whether I like them or not!

Going back to my mum’s house in London packing over and over again!

Being chased by something but all it is, is love

Reptiles protecting me from something or shepherding me into places

Swimming in clean water and being pulled out of the water by crocodiles or alligators

Walking or running through a woodland with large lake and streams that is situated behind an army barracks

Sitting in a car talking to the man in a black suit

Putting up or taking down Christmas decorations, usually Christmas is cancelled

Visiting the dentist who takes out the wrong tooth or did something wrong

My pets in the garden falling into a muddy pond or being swept away by floods

Visiting a candy stall in a market but it’s all free because a mysterious person paid for it for me

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Filed under Defining myself

My dream home poem

My dream home

Would have a kitchen with a soft place for my friends to sit and drink green teas

Whilst I make biscuits, talking about the garden and recipes

My dream home

Would have a nook for me, where I can write in tranquillity

With books all around and a little door that opens into the garden for the little paws

I will have a cushion fort that’s canopied with lace

So I can laze some afternoons, my perfect reading place

Rainbows decorate the wall for me as the crystals shine them through

With all the colours that can be in every single hue

My dream home

Is a happy place

Where animals and children be

So we can live together in perfect harmony

My dream home

Will be lots of fun, it will never be dull

A playroom for the children and me

And a place to sit and mull

My dream home

Will be alive, with people coming to and fro

Because they are welcome here, they’ll know

My dream home

Will have a garden, as big as you can get

With lots of different gardens, an adventure is always set

The children will have their playground

The animals will too

I just hope there is enough room, for my little zoo

My dream home

I will love the garden

I’d go there nearly every day

Growing vegetables and herbs like ears of corn, carrots, rosemary and bay

Growing fruits by the dozens, blueberries, apples and peach

A sensory garden for the children, where they can play and screech

I’ll have a little pool for me, where I will daily swim

Because I love the water so and it will keep me trim

My dream home

Is where the love is and daily we’ll embrace

My dream home is perfect, it’s my happy place

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