I am not confident in front of the camera because my body is unpredictable.
What I mean is, one day my face looks slim and the next huge – I swell and it’s completely random and unpredictable. Along with this my body can change hugely from one day to the next too, for example – I am not happy sharing my clothing size, but I will to help explain this!
I have to buy three sizes of clothing because one day I will be a size 20 and the next nearly a size 26, why this happens? I haven’t a clue! The doctors haven’t either, but they are pretty sure it has something to do with one of my auto-immunity disorders.
Yesterday all my clothing over a size 22 was huge on me, today, it’s a little tight.
Because I am sometimes a size 20, in fact most of the time I am a size 20 I presume that is my true natural size, but tomorrow I may wake up and only fit into size 26 clothing, literally this can happen overnight!
I have been trying to get to the bottom of this for years!
I am not confident with my looks because of it – I have to literally take a change of clothing with me when I go out for a few hours at a time, because I could start to swell and the clothing cuts into me!
I am also not confident because alopecia is really getting bad lately – the GP told me it is something that happens with people who are suffering from long Covid.
Recently I am excited about my looks starting to improve, because I have had a tooth extraction and I will soon be getting braces to straighten my smile, but that doesn’t solve the swelling and the hair issue!
I also found out recently that a large mole that was on my face was actually a treatable wart and it has now entirely gone!
I am really working hard to improve my looks, because I am not happy in my own skin; but it’s hard to manage when I never know from one day to the next what size I’ll wake up!
My confidence is also bashed because there has been private messages to me about how they believe I am either not the same person photo to photo or that I am rehashing old photographs all the time!
That is partly true; my photographs are mostly old ones – but it’s going to change because I intend to update Instagram at least once a week to show you all how I change so significantly in such a short space of time!
Below is a photograph I have taken tonight – my face is significantly larger than it was yesterday, my chin has doubled up, sometimes it triples up – we don’t know why! But my face can sometimes get wider too!
We used to think it was due to food allergens, but we tested this over a five year period and to be honest there was hardly any change to this phenomenon!
Below is a picture of how I used to look I 2017 when I was actually 305llbs in weight! Yes, 305llbs – my biggest ever size due to not handling my food intake well for a sedentary bedbound lifestyle – I was basically still eating like an athlete without moving my body! I used to eat 4500 calories a day and burn it off, but when I got sick it didn’t register for a while that I can’t eat like that anymore!
Why am I showing you all of this?
I am bothered by an ex-boyfriend and his cult members they are actively doing whatever they can to “expose” me by proclaiming I am not a genuine person in any way possible. They are seeking to destroy my reputation no matter how small a circle it is I am in, let me be clear on that! I am unsure what they are trying to expose other than the fact that they are grudge harbouring bullies…. But hey ho!
You’d have thought after thirteen years of not being together they’d move on, but evidently not. What I am confused about is their reaction when we broke off – they are the ones who expected me to make sense on a telephone six hours after ear repairing surgery and were so forceful in their demands that I socialise with them because they missed me (because he lived in the USA) that when I was tired I said something they misunderstood. I said I needed time out as I just had surgery, he took it as I needed time out from him and that meant to him that I was dumping him – the vicious reaction online the next day to anyone connected to me was shocking and horrible and lead to death threats from people!
I lost a lot of friends because of him and he still hasn’t got over it.
This is what is so frustrating about it all.
It’s a very large group of people who all seem held bent defending this guy’s honour, when in fact, as far as I was concerned then, it was just a stupid misunderstanding… I had an operation for goodness sake; I was still under the influence of anaesthetic and he kept me on the phone for nearly two hours, I was practically falling asleep!
But I digress…
Here is a photo a year later…
I have since lost a further forty pounds, I am still big – but when you consider the weight loss is not really due to dieting, but illness, it is a little good but also a little worrying for my family. As I do have a sedentary lifestyle, I am sick and I am eating approximately 1200 calories a day on average, because I have huge digestive issues where eating is actually becoming painful.
We are trying to resolve matters with the help of doctors but the NHS is suffering hugely because of the pandemics, that their waiting lists are huge now.
I am having more good days recently in regards to energy – but pain is always present. So I am starting to get the energy to be able to go out for a walk once a week for twenty minutes – I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you consider I have been bed bound for eight years, it’s a good start!
I don’t think I can be truly happy with myself until I can get back the fitness I used to have back in 2012 where I woke up and did 45 minutes tae bo and walked 9 miles a day on average and then did another 45 minutes of tae bo in the evening amongst other activities such as badminton, hiking, rock climbing, skipping, swimming and more! I need that life back!
A lot of my ailments could be severe depression, but all of this started after I had mono and pneumonia in the Christmas of either 2012 or 2013 I forget which. I did fall into a nasty depression in 2015 where for about three years I was struggling with suicidal thoughts because my illness was just taking its toll so much and I could do nothing! I couldn’t even breathe between sentences.
But there is a handle on that now, I can breathe long enough to talk several sentences now – but it is hard to talk and walk at the same time.
Because I have a lot of baggage and dirt in my past – including people who know my dreams for being a published author, just waiting for my name to be out there so they can pounce on my past and “expose it” to try and embarrass me back into my hole because they are ashamed they can’t have what I might get – I have decided to reveal all… expose myself as it were… dragging up all the sordid details of my past, because the past doesn’t define me – what defines me is what I am now and what I have become and what I will become in the future!
The past is the past – it is dead and gone, I am not – I exist, the past is extinct, the future is possible and I am living and learning as I am going along and I am forgiving too – so why aren’t they?
Why do they live in an extinct reality?
It’s not just a career I am trying to get by the end of this year sweethearts… it’s everything; I am out for all I can get from life! I am really trying to work hard on every level of my existence and I am going to share my journey with you all along the way!
Watch this fat old ugly caterpillar transform!
Thanks for reading!