Tag Archives: change

I hate silence

I have another victory within the home today, a small one.

I can now have music in my bedroom without relying on YouTube videos on the TV and I no longer need to work on a lagging laptop because Amazon music is on the background online.  Instead, Paul has agreed to surrender the living rooms Echo Dot to be taken upstairs as I am the only person who really listens to music.

This has already boosted my writing productivity hugely and it’s only been upstairs for two days now.

Music does a lot for me in regards to writing and doing art.

Music is in my soul, it’s a part of who I am.

Why did I get the victory?

Because I was watching a YouTube video with Paul the other day and they had a choose an item thing on the video about what your spirit guides want to tell you about why you are having obstacles or ill health in your life. 

The advice I got was, music is in your soul, sound leads your way, you do not do well in silence – music affects your health and your productivity, listen to the music that lifts you up and you will see a rapid change in your life!

I said to Paul – see, I told you, I need to buy an Echo Dot for up here, I think I will do that with my next allowance as I have seen them cheap online for £18.  He wouldn’t let me buy it, instead he said, have the one downstairs no one uses it but you anyway, I will bring it up here for you right away and lo and behold he did!  Instantaneously without waiting…. My goodness, something he did on the spur of the moment, a rare event!

I am so happy!

It’s only been two days and I have done more than I have for ages!

Also I am starting to read more too, because the break in the silence is making it feel less monotonous.

I hate silence, I have never been once to like pure silence – it actually gives me a headache!

Thanks for reading!

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Hate

Hate is misunderstanding and fear

Hate is primal and doesn’t endear

Hate is the biting words of anger

Hate is often wrought with danger

Hate can’t love when it’s aroused

Hate is where the ignorant is housed

Hate doesn’t hope to change at all

Hate scratches and scrapes and viciously mauls

That’s what hate is behind these walls

That’s why I call haters fools!

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Life isn’t always bad

What is the point in following her that has a heart so grey?

To love her works and writings, for her to throw her life away?

What is the point in caring, when she is doomed to die?

When she still insists in sitting down to cry…

The point is that you love it

The point is my words should flow

Like the water that’s in my spirit

I should let my words go…

Who knows it could heal me?

Who knows I could change my mind…

Who knows what is what

And what my life should find…

The point is I am healing

The point is I am not

The point is I am trying

I am trying not to stop

One day I am happy

One day I am sad

One day I want to kill myself ever so bad

But some days I plodder on

And write these things for you

Whilst soak in tears and sadness, sitting in the blue

Wondering when my life will change

Wondering when I’ll find love

Wondering when things are different

Or when is the next shove?

I am curious when I’ll do it

When I will cut the cords

That ties me to this life full of discord

I wonder when I will cut too deep

Too deep that I will forever sleep

I wonder when my life will change

So I can look back and think it strange

That I was ever in that place

That I was ever sad

Because I try to lie to myself, that life isn’t always bad

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Fear is rooting you

Drowned in fears your feet become stubborn

Turning into wood you are rooted to the ground of which you stand

Stagnant and no movement, no change, just going slowly deranged

But what you want is more grand

Fear takes a hold of the boldest of hearts

Strength is a dream and liberty is an art

No more shall you cry those forbidden tears

You have wanted this for many years

And now the time has come to be

Well and truly happily free

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Dorothy is acing it!

I am dancing in the winds of change

I hear the storm is coming

Like Dorothy to another world

I hear the spirits drumming

I will be taken up in the clouds

And thrown to a different place

A place where I will feel at home

And it’s going to be ace

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Is there a better place?

What will really happen if I stayed and lingered here?

Would I become happier if I wait another year?

Would I fly across the moon and wash the shadows clean away?

Would I find solace in someone’s arms some day?

Could I ever be much more than I am now?

Ride a boat in pristine waters I wonder where I’d sail?

I dream of so much more than I possible am

I hope that someday things will change and get me out this can

I can’t stand just existing like this

It feels like the universe is just taking the piss

How the sun smiles down at this fool today

How can I change my life to be another way?

Sometimes I wonder if I should dream at all

When nothing ever works out all I do is fall

Should I keep on fighting for those better things?

Or should I heed the angels that cautiously sing?

I don’t know what to do

I can’t keep on waiting for a clue

I’m desperate for an answer and I want it now

Is there a better place where I can sail?

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Today I am…

I’ve said it before; I change like the wind every day.

I wake up and I want to be someone new each day, sometimes I wake up and want to be the same person as the day before, but generally I love changing myself.

This is why this new category exists, there has been some DM requests for it “how do you feel today”?  Initially I thought those questions meant about my mental health, but no it wasn’t, people are genuinely curious about what I want to be each day!

I would love to be more body confident to share daily pics of myself each day, but I don’t have an extensive wardrobe right now so now I am pretty limited in my choices.

Yesterday I felt like I was having a fluffy day. 

I wanted to wear bright coloured trousers with some elaborate patterns on them but I didn’t have them so was stuck with my sky blue jeans, because the pink linen trousers were too thin for this cold weather. 

I swapped around my cardigan/jacket for the day being in an oversized pink fleece or a beautiful embroidered jacket with butterflies and roses on them.  But I wanted to be more of a fluffy peach kawaii yesterday, with knee high socks with some cute animals on them and a fluffy hand warmer.  I was thinking giraffe yesterday.  I was also missing being the owner of wedge heels; I’m 5ft 11 in those!

Today I am a big contrast to yesterday; today I am feeling like a sexy cowgirl!  I got my other darker blue and tighter jeans, I wanted a white button up shirt that exposed a bit more cleavage than normal, but I don’t have one anymore, so I made do with a white spaghetti strap and a padded booster bra. I want to wear heeled boots, but I don’t have any anymore as when the storm damaged the utility room it ruined a lot of my sexy boots!

I’m feeling energetic today, so I am resenting desk work and I want to be more active or go on walks.  I mostly want my hair down, but my hearing aid is getting old and loose and having my hair down knocks it out, which is frustrating no end.

It’s really too cold to be wearing this, but oh well.

Happy reading!   

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I am like a river

I am flowing, because of the water that is me

I am like a river

I am never the same me

I am free

Like a chameleon I change a lot

Sometimes cold and others hot

My flavour changes bitter to ripe

I flow like water, it is my right

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A view of me

I am not confident in front of the camera because my body is unpredictable. 

What I mean is, one day my face looks slim and the next huge – I swell and it’s completely random and unpredictable.  Along with this my body can change hugely from one day to the next too, for example – I am not happy sharing my clothing size, but I will to help explain this!

I have to buy three sizes of clothing because one day I will be a size 20 and the next nearly a size 26, why this happens?  I haven’t a clue!  The doctors haven’t either, but they are pretty sure it has something to do with one of my auto-immunity disorders.

Yesterday all my clothing over a size 22 was huge on me, today, it’s a little tight.

Because I am sometimes a size 20, in fact most of the time I am a size 20 I presume that is my true natural size, but tomorrow I may wake up and only fit into size 26 clothing, literally this can happen overnight!

I have been trying to get to the bottom of this for years!

I am not confident with my looks because of it – I have to literally take a change of clothing with me when I go out for a few hours at a time, because I could start to swell and the clothing cuts into me!

I am also not confident because alopecia is really getting bad lately – the GP told me it is something that happens with people who are suffering from long Covid.

Recently I am excited about my looks starting to improve, because I have had a tooth extraction and I will soon be getting braces to straighten my smile, but that doesn’t solve the swelling and the hair issue!

I also found out recently that a large mole that was on my face was actually a treatable wart and it has now entirely gone!

I am really working hard to improve my looks, because I am not happy in my own skin; but it’s hard to manage when I never know from one day to the next what size I’ll wake up!

My confidence is also bashed because there has been private messages to me about how they believe I am either not the same person photo to photo or that I am rehashing old photographs all the time!

That is partly true; my photographs are mostly old ones – but it’s going to change because I intend to update Instagram at least once a week to show you all how I change so significantly in such a short space of time!

Below is a photograph I have taken tonight – my face is significantly larger than it was yesterday, my chin has doubled up, sometimes it triples up – we don’t know why!  But my face can sometimes get wider too!

Taken on the 2nd August 2022

We used to think it was due to food allergens, but we tested this over a five year period and to be honest there was hardly any change to this phenomenon!

Below is a picture of how I used to look I 2017 when I was actually 305llbs in weight!  Yes, 305llbs – my biggest ever size due to not handling my food intake well for a sedentary bedbound lifestyle – I was basically still eating like an athlete without moving my body! I used to eat 4500 calories a day and burn it off, but when I got sick it didn’t register for a while that I can’t eat like that anymore!

Taken in 2017

Why am I showing you all of this? 

I am bothered by an ex-boyfriend and his cult members they are actively doing whatever they can to “expose” me by proclaiming I am not a genuine person in any way possible.  They are seeking to destroy my reputation no matter how small a circle it is I am in, let me be clear on that!  I am unsure what they are trying to expose other than the fact that they are grudge harbouring bullies…. But hey ho!

You’d have thought after thirteen years of not being together they’d move on, but evidently not.  What I am confused about is their reaction when we broke off – they are the ones who expected me to make sense on a telephone six hours after ear repairing surgery and were so forceful in their demands that I socialise with them because they missed me (because he lived in the USA) that when I was tired I said something they misunderstood.  I said I needed time out as I just had surgery, he took it as I needed time out from him and that meant to him that I was dumping him – the vicious reaction online the next day to anyone connected to me was shocking and horrible and lead to death threats from people!

I lost a lot of friends because of him and he still hasn’t got over it.

This is what is so frustrating about it all.

It’s a very large group of people who all seem held bent defending this guy’s honour, when in fact, as far as I was concerned then, it was just a stupid misunderstanding… I had an operation for goodness sake; I was still under the influence of anaesthetic and he kept me on the phone for nearly two hours, I was practically falling asleep!

But I digress…

Here is a photo a year later…

Taken in 2018 and 50 pounds lighter

I have since lost a further forty pounds, I am still big – but when you consider the weight loss is not really due to dieting, but illness, it is a little good but also a little worrying for my family.  As I do have a sedentary lifestyle, I am sick and I am eating approximately 1200 calories a day on average, because I have huge digestive issues where eating is actually becoming painful.

We are trying to resolve matters with the help of doctors but the NHS is suffering hugely because of the pandemics, that their waiting lists are huge now.

I am having more good days recently in regards to energy – but pain is always present.  So I am starting to get the energy to be able to go out for a walk once a week for twenty minutes – I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you consider I have been bed bound for eight years, it’s a good start!

I don’t think I can be truly happy with myself until I can get back the fitness I used to have back in 2012 where I woke up and did 45 minutes tae bo and walked 9 miles a day on average and then did another 45 minutes of tae bo in the evening amongst other activities such as badminton, hiking, rock climbing, skipping, swimming and more!   I need that life back! 

A lot of my ailments could be severe depression, but all of this started after I had mono and pneumonia in the Christmas of either 2012 or 2013 I forget which.  I did fall into a nasty depression in 2015 where for about three years I was struggling with suicidal thoughts because my illness was just taking its toll so much and I could do nothing!  I couldn’t even breathe between sentences.

But there is a handle on that now, I can breathe long enough to talk several sentences now – but it is hard to talk and walk at the same time. 

Because I have a lot of baggage and dirt in my past – including people who know my dreams for being a published author, just waiting for my name to be out there so they can pounce on my past and “expose it” to try and embarrass me back into my hole because they are ashamed they can’t have what I might get – I have decided to reveal all… expose myself as it were… dragging up all the sordid details of my past, because the past doesn’t define me – what defines me is what I am now and what I have become and what I will become in the future!

The past is the past – it is dead and gone, I am not – I exist, the past is extinct, the future is possible and I am living and learning as I am going along and I am forgiving too – so why aren’t they?

Why do they live in an extinct reality?

It’s not just a career I am trying to get by the end of this year sweethearts… it’s everything; I am out for all I can get from life!  I am really trying to work hard on every level of my existence and I am going to share my journey with you all along the way!

Watch this fat old ugly caterpillar transform!

Thanks for reading! 

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Who is the Tardy Creative?

TardyCreative.com was named mainly because I realised that although I am a writer and I aspire to someday becoming a selling artist, I knew that I have other interests which can sometimes absorb me!

Especially interests regarding gardening, reading, pets and other matters close to the heart, such as the LGBTQ community and generally defining myself as a person, healing from abuse and having fun!

I had wanted this blog to become a broad outlook about me, this was never meant to be a professional blog in which I will sell my books, because to me, this is a personal blog.  When I approach an agent with my work in the future, I will create a professional blog separate but connected to this.

This blog was purely intentionally made to share my life with people and my progressions in my life, including my progression as a creative.

I suffered a lot of abuse from controlling people who moulded me into becoming what THEY wanted; this blog was my attempt at showing the world that I am becoming who I want to become!

Unfortunately until this point, I have done so with some sense of shame and embarrassment.

I have not been confident enough in sharing photographs and things in too many depths, but I am learning to change and I am building confidence, slowly but surely!

Any idea that this was meant to be my actual “Professional” blog is wrong, this is a personal blog, and it always has been!

I am fine tuning myself in various ways in my life at a fast pace, because I am determined that my life really will start at forty, like the old adage says it does!

I need it to work, I need it to happen and I need to stop living in fear!

But ultimately, I need to learn to love myself, be happy in my own skin and I am not.  But I am trying my best to change how I see myself and to learn to love the skin I am in!

I am going to be shouting loud and clear about who I am in up and coming posts, but I do not intend to preach and I do not intend to convert, my intentions are to purely and wholly be me, without shame and to share who I am to the world!

Because hardly anyone knows the real me, they just know the trained, tamed version of me that my mother and other abusers have made me into.

The boring me, the monochrome me, the quiet me, the me that is not me… basically.  My shadow is more me than me!

So, as I fearfully crawl out of this rock, learning technology as I go my way, I am also learning not to fear being rejected for who I really am by the world I am creeping into!

Hello, I am The Tardy Creative, my real name is Tina, but that is going to change soon to something that is more me, it is something I have always intentionally wanted to do – change my real name. 

So I will be forty in October, October the 3rd to be precise and I heard that life begins at forty and I really hope so for me!

I have struggled with two different and very clashing eating disorders in my life, both compulsive eating (when angry, stressed, feeling trapped and bullied) to anorexia and bulimia (when sad, grieving, depressed and sick).  However, when I am relaxed and happy and enjoying life, I have been known to forget to eat because I am in the moment, whether or not that is anorexia or not, I don’t quite know, but it’s a funny thing with me!

I have body dysmorphia, I believe I am really hideous, so I don’t like to share images of myself – I am trying to change my perception of myself, by adding pictures of myself here soon and regularly.  To see whether or not I am as hideous as I think or not! 

Stupid in reflection, because social media is often cruel as it is sometimes kind!

Things most people don’t know about me, is that I am very bisexual or rather pansexual, if I find someone attractive and I get along with them, I will go into a relationship with them, whether man, woman or trans.  I have dated Trans men before and ladies, but I was never open about it.

I am also shy about my own crossdressing forays.  I love to dress as the young dandy of the late eighteenth century but I am also really into Bohemian and kawaii styles too, I am very eclectic and I live each day differently. 

If I could have any magical power I suppose it would be transmogrification, so I can change my looks according to my feelings of the day!

I love to have long hair, but I have alopecia as well as mild trichotillomania (which is triggered when badly stressed or bullied) which is ruining my looks – I have thought about shaving my hair to a very short pixie cut or crew cut and wearing wigs, but I am frightened of doing that, in case of abuse and attack and becoming unattractive to new relationships in my life.

My alopecia is due to malnutrition as I have a digestive disease and pernicious anaemia where I am not able to absorb B vitamins and biotin in particular. 

Despite not wearing makeup much and having a limited wardrobe, I am very fashion conscious and love the fashion industry and watching Vogue on YouTube etc.  I have never been educated in how to use make-up by anyone, except the videos I see online; I am really quite a novice.  I am not confident about knowing what I am doing and this too is something I want to change!

I am not known for wearing dresses, but I am getting into them these days!  I never liked wearing trousers, but I did it because I was told to for so many years, that wearing them became a habit!

I always liked maxi-dresses and skirts and certain styles and colours and up until recently I have been mostly black (influenced as a perfect choice by my mother) and occasionally pink (chosen by Henry and Paul).

I like loud and bright looking clothing and I was told in order to wear bright garish clothing, I need to be a super confident, loud and garish person!  If I am not that, then I will be humiliated by the public and picked on!  So I have avoided it.

This too, will change!

I always felt that nobody is interested in somebody like me, no one wants to hear what someone like me wants to say – but as I am learning more about the social media, the more I have learned that you become who you are, share what you are and you will find your tribe, you will find others like you and the world will become smaller and more inclusive for you as an individual.

Gone are the days of true isolation.

This is why I want to harness using technology and social media, I need to find out for myself that I truly am not alone, that there are people out there just like me, who think like me and like the things I like too – that I am not a weird little thing that needs to be hidden in case it is destroyed by society, like I have always been told I am!

I have the right to exist how I want to exist, so does everybody!  So I am going to fight for it and become exactly who I want to be!

You realise of course I am shitting brick as I am saying this?  Because now I have told this to you all, I have to now actually act upon it… don’t I?

Well, I’ll try…

Thanks for reading!

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