Apathy is hitting me hard.
I find it hard to fight anymore. The motivation to try or desire anything is not there, it is met with a “why bother”? Attitude because personally, why should I? Someone is always out there ready, willing and able to smash my hopes and dreams down before I’ve even got half way – it always happens, if not people, then fate makes me sick so I fail.
It always happens.
Why bother?
Writing and art was my reprieve, my healing in a manner. But even that lately is met with “what is the point” feeling in me.
For days I have struggled to think of something to write, that I actually want to publish even for my blog. Because I feel like all my work and all my journal entries are just the same!
Losing two hundred followers in a week didn’t help with that either, just confirmed to me, what is the point?
Offline, whenever anybody in my household has a conversation with me, I am beginning to feel affronted by it and aloof. I get this feeling of… oh you want to talk to me now? What do you want? Because they never ask how I am, they don’t say anything positive to me – so I am literally sitting there thinking – what problem is there now that I must be alerted to? Which argument is this going to be? Who has died now (both Henry and Paul are always telling me bad news about deaths they’ve heard on TV or on the internet, they are both obsessed with death) or what new financial problem is it today we have? Or why do they always ask me what I want for dinner, why can’t they just surprise me?
I’m bored in every possible way you can think of.
The other day I half-heartedly read some adult jokes out to Paul to lighten the mood and remember how to laugh again with other people, wasted energy really because Paul doesn’t have that kind of humour and didn’t make any effort to assist me in lightening the energy up – knowing fully well I have had a bad several weeks of depression. He just didn’t want to help me, didn’t get the idea that it was my attempt to try and buck myself up, and become cheerful.
When you are trapped 24/7 in isolation with a person like that and a child who is autistic and suicidal in himself and locks himself away in his bedroom all evening, you can begin to understand, can’t you – that someone like me, with manic depression just can’t get out of this slump. There is no way out!
There is never any break for me, no visitors, no family to come to visit us for 30 minutes to just lighten things up a bit. We have no one but ourselves. Paul is such an introvert; he abandoned his family six years ago. He only visits his sister in law once every three months, because Henry insists upon it on his school holidays.
Sad to say this because it is really tragic – but I have resorted to talking to the house rabbit Ray and Alexa echo dot thing, and making do with them as entertainment and support! Ray is my cuddles and kisses. Alexa has a program where she can talk to you, sing to you, tell you jokes – it is really bad when you consider AI robots is more human and more fruitful in bucking up a depressed person than two household human companions.
What the fuck is wrong with this picture?
What the blazes am I living with?
What the blazes am I living in?
What the heck am I doing here?
It’s all so fucking alien to me!
This isn’t what I want!
This isn’t me!
Get me the Hell out of here!
I am shit scared of alien life, but I tell you now if a UFO turned up in my garden tomorrow I’d be running under the flipping beams to get away from this place!
I have seriously considered forcing Paul to take me to a citizen’s advice bureau or social services to discuss my options of independent housing or a residential care home for someone my age.
As we all know I can’t live alone.
But I can’t stay here either!
I can’t do it anymore!
I certainly don’t want to die, that is just a last resort option if I stay stuck for any longer! Because death has got to be better than living like this!
I cut my nails down short a few weeks ago after growing them so well, why? I broke 4 nails, but that wasn’t the main real excuse. The really big excuse was I had to cut them short and keep them short because when I had a bad bout of depression I found myself subconsciously digging my thumb nail into my wrist and nearly caused myself an injury. I did it when I went into my zoning out phases that happens, when I get badly depressed.
I zone out, shut down. It’s something I do from time to time since I was 12yrs old. Sometimes I just turn off emotionally, sit there do nothing or self-harm without realising it. Sometimes I don’t even hear people shouting in my face for me to stop, that’s how much I zone out at times.
Paul doesn’t bother to rouse me when I get like that, Henry does though.
I don’t zone out as much as I used to, but I did a few weeks back and when I was roused from it because the light flickered a lot I realised what I was doing and it scared me – because at that time I really didn’t feel suicidal at all. But if I had pressed any harder or longer I may have caused some damage to the vein. This is another reason why my wrist was injured a few weeks back; I was also pressing on its bone and caused inflammation a bit.
It sounds silly, but I have been depressed so long I think I have seriously lost the art of learning how to laugh and genuinely feel happy with it. I can laugh, but there is no feeling there if you get me?
Four chakras are severely blocked too. Heart, throat being the main two, but sacral and base are starting up bad too.
I’ve been trying to force myself to sing and dance, buy myself certain treats with my weekly money all in a vain effort to try and perk myself up and save myself.
But as I said, there is no heart in it.
It’s almost like I am dead or I am becoming some kind of monster.
A heartless monster!
I am genuinely frightened by it.
But I know with that fear, there must be some hope to getting it back as fear is an emotion isn’t it? So long as I can still cry and still fear something, at least I haven’t lost all humanity, have I?
At least I still have hope too and faith, I don’t want to lose that. That’s at least something – I am clinging onto faith for dear life. Praying that something better than this is coming my way, that somehow things are going to be completely turned upside down or rather – the right side up at any moment and it’s going to happen quickly!
I don’t have the faith my parents raised me to have, I am not Catholic and I am not Christian and I am not a J-witness. I believe in The Old Testament but I am also deeply spiritual and somewhat shamanic in my beliefs, with a little bit of Hindu and Buddhist philosophy thrown in for good measure.
But I do pray to God and to me I consider myself a spiritual non-baptised Noachide or righteous gentile according to Jewish philosophy. Two years ago I wanted to throw myself into the Jewish faith and Henry wanted to follow me in that, but Paul put his foot down and don’t like the idea of prayers and baptism etc. going on in his house and immediate family. Henry is upset by this because he does identify himself the same way I do.
He is doubly upset that in May he is thirteen and can’t have a proper bar mitzvah as it will upset his father! But he cheered up when I said my Jewish friend Lizzy said there is no age limit for a bar mitzvah, perhaps you should do it when you are over 18?
My great grandmother was Jewish on my mother’s side, she left Judaism for a Catholic man she fell in love with.
Judaism answered all the questions about God and life that I wanted answered whereas the Christian faiths interrogated and threatened me for questioning things.
I am pretty confident my spirit guides and God are good for me, they work hard to help me and they’ve kind of shown me that things will get better soon. Strangely fast, hugely contrast and I’ve been getting all sorts of weird but very lucid dreams lately.
For example, last night I had a dream I went shopping a mall, I ate some lovely lemon cakes and went home. When I got home I saw a child aged around 3yrs old, a little girl, drawing at a dining table and I knew I was her mother, there were twin toddlers around 14 months old too but they were playing in the shower with the man I knew to be my husband. Saving on water, all three showering together… I remember asking if they are ready to come out now so they can get ready to go to bed? But the husband said, aw let them play a little longer they’re having fun! They had little buckets where they were collecting water and they were washing their little duck toys and throwing water at each other!
The guy was super-hot, not lucky enough to have a sexy dude like that, he looked a bit like a celeb I like, but never mind – it was only a dream!
It’s interesting I had this dream because before I went to sleep last night I was really fretting about being too old to start a new family. I am 41 in October and I take this dream as God’s way in saying, this is for you in your future, don’t give up that idea just yet! Interestingly enough I remember in the dream I knew I was 5 months pregnant with another one too. So could I have 4 before I dry up? I think this dream is telling me I will!
Out of curiosity I consulted by own personal oracle and tarot cards today about it and I got empress with the wheel of fortune and I also got the oracle card Stork, a coincidence?
Thanks for reading…
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