Tag Archives: bullies

A view of me

I am not confident in front of the camera because my body is unpredictable. 

What I mean is, one day my face looks slim and the next huge – I swell and it’s completely random and unpredictable.  Along with this my body can change hugely from one day to the next too, for example – I am not happy sharing my clothing size, but I will to help explain this!

I have to buy three sizes of clothing because one day I will be a size 20 and the next nearly a size 26, why this happens?  I haven’t a clue!  The doctors haven’t either, but they are pretty sure it has something to do with one of my auto-immunity disorders.

Yesterday all my clothing over a size 22 was huge on me, today, it’s a little tight.

Because I am sometimes a size 20, in fact most of the time I am a size 20 I presume that is my true natural size, but tomorrow I may wake up and only fit into size 26 clothing, literally this can happen overnight!

I have been trying to get to the bottom of this for years!

I am not confident with my looks because of it – I have to literally take a change of clothing with me when I go out for a few hours at a time, because I could start to swell and the clothing cuts into me!

I am also not confident because alopecia is really getting bad lately – the GP told me it is something that happens with people who are suffering from long Covid.

Recently I am excited about my looks starting to improve, because I have had a tooth extraction and I will soon be getting braces to straighten my smile, but that doesn’t solve the swelling and the hair issue!

I also found out recently that a large mole that was on my face was actually a treatable wart and it has now entirely gone!

I am really working hard to improve my looks, because I am not happy in my own skin; but it’s hard to manage when I never know from one day to the next what size I’ll wake up!

My confidence is also bashed because there has been private messages to me about how they believe I am either not the same person photo to photo or that I am rehashing old photographs all the time!

That is partly true; my photographs are mostly old ones – but it’s going to change because I intend to update Instagram at least once a week to show you all how I change so significantly in such a short space of time!

Below is a photograph I have taken tonight – my face is significantly larger than it was yesterday, my chin has doubled up, sometimes it triples up – we don’t know why!  But my face can sometimes get wider too!

Taken on the 2nd August 2022

We used to think it was due to food allergens, but we tested this over a five year period and to be honest there was hardly any change to this phenomenon!

Below is a picture of how I used to look I 2017 when I was actually 305llbs in weight!  Yes, 305llbs – my biggest ever size due to not handling my food intake well for a sedentary bedbound lifestyle – I was basically still eating like an athlete without moving my body! I used to eat 4500 calories a day and burn it off, but when I got sick it didn’t register for a while that I can’t eat like that anymore!

Taken in 2017

Why am I showing you all of this? 

I am bothered by an ex-boyfriend and his cult members they are actively doing whatever they can to “expose” me by proclaiming I am not a genuine person in any way possible.  They are seeking to destroy my reputation no matter how small a circle it is I am in, let me be clear on that!  I am unsure what they are trying to expose other than the fact that they are grudge harbouring bullies…. But hey ho!

You’d have thought after thirteen years of not being together they’d move on, but evidently not.  What I am confused about is their reaction when we broke off – they are the ones who expected me to make sense on a telephone six hours after ear repairing surgery and were so forceful in their demands that I socialise with them because they missed me (because he lived in the USA) that when I was tired I said something they misunderstood.  I said I needed time out as I just had surgery, he took it as I needed time out from him and that meant to him that I was dumping him – the vicious reaction online the next day to anyone connected to me was shocking and horrible and lead to death threats from people!

I lost a lot of friends because of him and he still hasn’t got over it.

This is what is so frustrating about it all.

It’s a very large group of people who all seem held bent defending this guy’s honour, when in fact, as far as I was concerned then, it was just a stupid misunderstanding… I had an operation for goodness sake; I was still under the influence of anaesthetic and he kept me on the phone for nearly two hours, I was practically falling asleep!

But I digress…

Here is a photo a year later…

Taken in 2018 and 50 pounds lighter

I have since lost a further forty pounds, I am still big – but when you consider the weight loss is not really due to dieting, but illness, it is a little good but also a little worrying for my family.  As I do have a sedentary lifestyle, I am sick and I am eating approximately 1200 calories a day on average, because I have huge digestive issues where eating is actually becoming painful.

We are trying to resolve matters with the help of doctors but the NHS is suffering hugely because of the pandemics, that their waiting lists are huge now.

I am having more good days recently in regards to energy – but pain is always present.  So I am starting to get the energy to be able to go out for a walk once a week for twenty minutes – I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you consider I have been bed bound for eight years, it’s a good start!

I don’t think I can be truly happy with myself until I can get back the fitness I used to have back in 2012 where I woke up and did 45 minutes tae bo and walked 9 miles a day on average and then did another 45 minutes of tae bo in the evening amongst other activities such as badminton, hiking, rock climbing, skipping, swimming and more!   I need that life back! 

A lot of my ailments could be severe depression, but all of this started after I had mono and pneumonia in the Christmas of either 2012 or 2013 I forget which.  I did fall into a nasty depression in 2015 where for about three years I was struggling with suicidal thoughts because my illness was just taking its toll so much and I could do nothing!  I couldn’t even breathe between sentences.

But there is a handle on that now, I can breathe long enough to talk several sentences now – but it is hard to talk and walk at the same time. 

Because I have a lot of baggage and dirt in my past – including people who know my dreams for being a published author, just waiting for my name to be out there so they can pounce on my past and “expose it” to try and embarrass me back into my hole because they are ashamed they can’t have what I might get – I have decided to reveal all… expose myself as it were… dragging up all the sordid details of my past, because the past doesn’t define me – what defines me is what I am now and what I have become and what I will become in the future!

The past is the past – it is dead and gone, I am not – I exist, the past is extinct, the future is possible and I am living and learning as I am going along and I am forgiving too – so why aren’t they?

Why do they live in an extinct reality?

It’s not just a career I am trying to get by the end of this year sweethearts… it’s everything; I am out for all I can get from life!  I am really trying to work hard on every level of my existence and I am going to share my journey with you all along the way!

Watch this fat old ugly caterpillar transform!

Thanks for reading! 

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Being deaf & not being published

There are some biting comments in DMs on twitter and other places I get regularly about my quantity of work; yes, my blog is not as active as it should be, but no, I am writing a lot more than I admit to you all! 

One of the biggest things that is asked in DM is “why are you not published yet”?  My answer is – personal choice.

Once in 2003 I felt I wanted to get published but because of personal reasons, I refused to go ahead with it, when lo and behold a miracle happened, my first ever attempt at publication was accepted!

I still believe to this day it is a fluke!

I turned it down purely because my mother was salivating over the proposed advance and had already spent my money in her head – I was still very much submissive to my mother back then and I knew that only a small margin of any money I gained would be mine.

My mother tried to force me to take the opportunity but I feigned losing the letter and forgetting which company I contacted, she believed me.

Since leaving my mother to live with Paul in 2009 I had wondered when I will be ready to do so again.  The reasons up until now is purely fear, because although I want the work published as books and potentially made into a movie, the idea of becoming famous is very unappealing.  I know most writers don’t have a lot of glitz and glamour and huge fame, but I reckon it would be sods law that I’d be popular – and I am easily lead into things by good and supportive friends.

I am terrified of privacy invasion, I am prone to panic attacks and I do not like surprises and I do not generally like strangers unless I have someone with me on first contact.

Ironically it is not social phobia, I am actually afraid of myself – for two reasons, I am afraid that I am quite co-dependent and get talked into things whether comfortable with it or not; another reason is that I can sometimes become attacked verbally by people because they think I am being ignorant with them, but in fact I am profoundly deaf and rely on lip reading or people remaining on my left side, to hear them.

Another reason I am not published is because I haven’t sent anything off since 2003 and not only this but because I am deaf and poor at the same time, I have not got a telephone which is OK for me to use and phone conversations I heard are quite common in this industry.  Nobody has bothered to educate me about what is available, FREE for someone like me, so I have no idea what my options are!

All I do know is that on my previous hearing assessment, I was surprised to learn that my hearing levels are so low, that I am eligible for a dog for the deaf if I want one!

My biggest fear other than fame is disappointing people I will work with by my inaccessibility to talk with them on a 121 level and my inability to travel due to health.

Paul gets his navy pension next autumn; this will mean he will be able to afford technology for me to become independent in communications.  This is one of the major reasons why I will not be approaching publishers until autumn 2022.

During this waiting time, I plan to finish six books to final draft quality; this is more doable than you can imagine for me.  There is potential for more finished drafts too, but I am being realistic for now. 

In a few days I will post just for my naysayers photographs of all of my files, ring binders, envelopes and notebooks, so you can see how much work has already been done over the years!  Because there are a very tiny handful of people who don’t believe I work towards any novel at all and that it is all a lie!

I am determined to prove to you how much I have done, this is giving Paul a massive headache, because it is going to mean that the equivalent of 8ft by 3ft of papers are going to be collected for a photoshoot!  I am not exaggerating by the scale, either; I have been writing novels since I was ten years old!  I have kept at least half of them, the others were burned in a bonfire when I lost heart aged twenty one, when I was for the first time ever suicidal!

Happy reading all!

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Words and people grow like flowers in manure.

I am disgusted with myself today but my partner Paul ensures me that it isn’t my fault.  I worked out last night how much I used to write compared with how much I write these days.  Prior to 2013 I wrote an average of two million words per year, now I struggle to get fifty thousand a year.  I decided this has to change and I have to get the old me back, primarily because I am going insane with the many ideas I have floating in my head – my brain is literally about to burst with literacy.  My brain will soon be splattered all over the internet and in books, so look out world, because I think I’ve been ignited.

The question is, the last time I felt like this was in 2006 and I wrote no less than thirty articles, poems and short stories a day on one site, of course I can’t post that many here on my blog, as this will make me lose subscribers, I mean, come on – who will want thirty notifications a day?  So I am debating about spreading myself onto two other blogs, so my subscribers don’t feel so bombarded – a cunning trick, but it might be worthwhile?  Because once I am on the go, I am on the go – I used to be such a workaholic, totally addicted to writing and then for some reason, I lost it.

I believe confidence has a lot to do with the lack of writing as well as health issues – I have had chronic bronchitis off and on since Christmas!  My confidence has been bashed by two people in particular, those people are held bent on ruining my reputation by any means necessary and has vocalised how they look forward to the day I become world famous, as they will be waiting.

Well there is nothing truly sinister about me but I still worry.  Because it is the story of my life that whenever I do anything to better myself the world seems to contrive a way to embarrass me out of it and make me go back into my insular hole of hopes and dreams.

I have been chronically bullied as I have been ill, most of my life and I have the types of bullies in my life who are no longer present, but always comes back once they think I have started to grow, they treat me like a weed in an abandoned garden.  Once a year someone comes along with a mower and cuts me down again, just in case I start to become too strong.  I think this weed is going to need to use their shit as manure and grow rapidly into a man eating plant!

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my tin of brains

My mind is like an ocean where many thoughts do swim

Without them I am empty, like an opened tin

My thoughts are what makes me unique and who I am

But many people try to empty my can

I am just a human; my thoughts are my pride and joy

But people insist in changing me and this it does annoy

Why can’t people leave alone others with their thoughts?

Why can’t others see the light, it’s easy to find the torch

How can you be judgemental, when you’re unique too?

How can you keep judging others who are not you?

If you want peace, accept more, for who and what they are

For if you don’t you’ll surely soon, lead a lonely path

Many minds aren’t empty, though tight their lips may be

Because they’re scared of being known by people like thee

By people who will curse them or try to cut them down

By people who are monsters, who say they’re only clowning around

But words do cut us deeply and hurt us every day

So stop with your judgements and leave people alone today

For if you want peace on earth, enjoy the variety

Of other peoples looks and thoughts and relish in niceties

All it takes is a kind word, whether you’re telling the truth or not

If you think unkind things about others, then you should simply rot

You’re missing out on good friends by being the way you are

You’re a shallow hollow person who lives for repertoires

 

 

 

 

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For you are not perfect, I say

A tragedy is when humanity has lost its compassion for its fellow man

To cause him grief whenever you can

To comment of how he looks and lives

Yet you know him not

How can you do this, will you stop?

You are tearing lives apart by words

You have the voice of cowards

If things were turned and you were scorned for how you looked today

How would you feel when you get home, after you’ve walked away?

For you are not perfect, I say

It isn’t a laugh when you’ve said those things about a person’s weight

It isn’t funny when you’ve hurt your classmate

For her scars

For her red hair

It doesn’t matter, but you should care

A joke is not the excuse for causing her despair

Stop this hatred, stop it soon

Or someday judgment will bring your doom

I’m not talking religion here, but someday nasty words you’ll hear

And it won’t be you who is giving them

It will be another who’s chosen you to condemn

You are not perfect I say, but what you have now; let’s hope you keep it, hey?

For you never know what might happen

An accident to your face may rapine

I give you no threats but a warning

Don’t monish peoples adorning

For you are not perfect, I say.

 

 

 

 

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