Tag Archives: blue

What do you see?

So, the huntress is being stalked

I see them in the shadows when I’ve walked

I know they are following my way

I know they are learning how I play

I hear them tittering and I hear them talk

About how far I have walked

But I amusedly walk on

Because they are only a con

I don’t believe what the shadows say

I only believe that they play!

Because why are they hiding away from me?

I think they’re afraid… do you agree?

Too scared to come and talk to me

Or afraid of themselves, now what will it be?

I walk on – maybe forever

But when I hear them… I think…. Whatever!

It’s just a child’s game to you

You enjoy this thing you do

No real intention behind your words

To think there is, would be absurd!

I’ve grown enough to know

The lengths that silly people go

To find amusement in their boring lives

By spreading rumours and lies

I continue on my walk

Maybe someday we will talk?

Maybe not

Why should I care?

If you are still watching from over there?

No business of mine what you do

Unless there are lies that you spew

If there are lies, why did you do that?

Have I offended you?

If I have, then tell me how?

I don’t remember our spat…

I was just walking this lonely path

I didn’t mean to fill you with wrath

I am just ambling through my life

I didn’t mean to cause discontent or strife

So why do you follow and why do you talk?

About me on my path and where I walk?

I don’t understand your mind at all

Maybe I am just a fool

But I am curious why me?

And why so interested you be?

I don’t get it, so I continue on

All these games make me feel wan

It has simply gone on too long

And I need to know, why me?

I am unassuming and I am plain

I have nothing to lose or gain

I sleepwalk through this life of mine

Literally just biding time

I’m bored with life and I have lost my spark

It isn’t fair, if you just lark

I just want to get through my life

Without any more cuttings from a knife

I just want to stop bleeding

I just want to stop needing

I just want the pain to go

I am tired of hate and woe

I live in the shadows for a reason

I have been burned by the hot season

No longer do I wish to feel

My only wish is to heal

My second wish is to remember one thing

What it was like to be happy and sing?

Is that so much to ask of life?

I’m fighting against the after-life

But I am losing strength and heart in that

The deep blue is my habitat

I just wish I knew the truth about you

Why do you watch this creature blue?

What fascination is there about me?

I look in the mirror but I don’t see…

What curiosity is there in me?

Except of course, to capture me…

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Releasing me from the blue?

I lick the knife that wounds me

My pain it tastes so sweet

My tears are salty I like the flavour

But it isn’t really a treat

Its bittersweet you love me

It’s bittersweet to know

Because I can’t fulfil a dream

I can’t glow

Because one thing is lacking

My heart is dead as stone

My world is crumbling round me

I am turning to bone

I can’t stand the fighting

I can’t stand this life

I can’t stand only living

On the edge of a knife

I can’t stand the loneliness

I can’t bear the stain

I can’t bear what you do to me

Should I start again?

The blade is at my wrist now

The words I say are true

How I wish for something more

Something more colourful than the blue

I am washed in my own blood

Clothed in the cloak of death

Soon my life will be ended

So I will breathe the last breath

For you have chosen wisely

I’m not the one for you

Your words are not taken lightly

But at least I am released from the blue

I will not see the sun shine

Not again my dear

Please do not cry for me

Don’t shed a tear

Be confident you chose this

Be happy and stay true

I forgive you darling

For releasing me from the blue

In April you won’t see me

Not ever again

Because I won’t be here

There will be no more songs to pen

For I will live within the grey

Of the lost in limbo corps

But at least my heart won’t heart anymore…

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Life isn’t always bad

What is the point in following her that has a heart so grey?

To love her works and writings, for her to throw her life away?

What is the point in caring, when she is doomed to die?

When she still insists in sitting down to cry…

The point is that you love it

The point is my words should flow

Like the water that’s in my spirit

I should let my words go…

Who knows it could heal me?

Who knows I could change my mind…

Who knows what is what

And what my life should find…

The point is I am healing

The point is I am not

The point is I am trying

I am trying not to stop

One day I am happy

One day I am sad

One day I want to kill myself ever so bad

But some days I plodder on

And write these things for you

Whilst soak in tears and sadness, sitting in the blue

Wondering when my life will change

Wondering when I’ll find love

Wondering when things are different

Or when is the next shove?

I am curious when I’ll do it

When I will cut the cords

That ties me to this life full of discord

I wonder when I will cut too deep

Too deep that I will forever sleep

I wonder when my life will change

So I can look back and think it strange

That I was ever in that place

That I was ever sad

Because I try to lie to myself, that life isn’t always bad

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Why are we forsaken?

Some fell on the wayside

Some were thrown there as betrayers

For they had allied with our slayers

And we knew

So we did what we had to do

The so-called faithful

Met their fateful

They cry alone why are we forsaken and left within the blue?

Because we knew what was true

The raven saw, this is why she flew

Saw the trickery which was within you

And flew onto pastures new

To continue and recoup

Know thy enemy be the word

A tricky one is our black bird

Did you really think you could outwit the raven, to steal her children from New Haven?

Especially when she works for God?  Claw and beak she saw the fraud

And took her children clean away

So they can innocently play, within New Eden one summer’s day

Whilst you will always cry and say…

Why am I forsaken?

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Land of the mortal blue

In my garden I play with the blackberry dragons

They sing songs to me

In my garden I swim with the mermaids of my pond

They sing songs to me

They sing “we know you’re not free, we will keep you company”

They know what life is like for me

A prisoner of mortality

The fairies too they sing their songs

They say we will protect you from the wrongs

The satyr too, sings a song

About justice and freedom and truth

Drink from the fountain of youth and you’ll be free

Come and dance with me

Says he

And I do

And I am released from the deep blue

And I am free again

And now I’ll mend

Because I am forever young and happy

True

Now I am a part of you

My fantasy land

And I feel grand

Because I have left the land

The land of mortal blue

And I’ve learned that all the magic is true

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Whirlpool of emotion

I’m being thrown in a whirlpool of emotion

Drowning in the potions of your poisonous words

I keep trying to swim upwards to escape

But I am pulled down into the blue

Swirling away from you backwards

Deeper I go, down, down into the blue

I haven’t a clue, how to fight these waves

I am going deeper into the abyss, where many others have found their graves

Will you ever see me again? 

Now you’ve misbehaved

Should I ever see you again?

If you never tried to save me from the blue!

My friend part of my crew

I mean… after all… who are you?

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Blue spooky clown girl

I have a playlist for everything and some of my playlists are downright weird to people who walk in on me listening to them!

I regard my music tastes as more than just a little bit eclectic, I like songs or tunes from every genre, though my main focus is on rock and the 80s – those aren’t weird, those are permissible as relatively normal but my candyland playlist?  My lullaby playlist?  How about my end of the world playlist or the vampire playlist?  Yes, these are playlists I actually have!

Currently I have been stuck between the playlists of lullaby’s and circuses for the past two days, which is dangerous really because it is making me think of my fairground and circus stories, which have been put on the back bench for nearly three years and I really shouldn’t encourage it!

Because I should be concentrating on project AD and the lesbian steampunk more than anything else, which in turn, has their own playlists too!

But I am just in a spooky carnival, haunted circus and creepy fairground mood right now!

Coincidentally, today is a spooky day for me… in fashion I think I would find it hard not to be some kind of weird gothic/emo Pierrot today.  I feel like dressing primarily in white and royal blue and silver, but also feel like wearing a lot of strange make up which kind of turns me into some kind of weird silver blue clown – don’t ask why, I get days like these!

I don’t expect to make any sense!

LOL

But knowing me I’d hold back even if I could do it, because, you know… I find it boring explaining my every waking thought to people time and time again, when they ask me “why”?

People don’t accept it’s just a spooky Pierrot day, is all!

Which is funny really, because I initially woke up thinking it was definitely a white, cream, ivory, caramel or linen day, with an emphasis as always with something fluffy worn, with baggy white trousers or something.  But you know, in America I’d probably get shot for it or something.  Paul mentioned something about Labour Day.

Well anyway, I feel a mix of the two.

I do feel so tempted to go back to the spooky circus story though, it’s kind of connected to a short story I wrote on here a few years back called “Casey’s Crown” – not sure if it is still available on here or not – use the search bar and see! 

Thanks for reading!

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Pollyanna is dying

Pollyanna is dying, a slow and awkward death

She wants to stay positive

But should she hold her breath?

Things will work against her

Like they always do

There is only so much light here

Here within the blue

She is drowning in the misery

Of broken promises and lies

The blue are the tears that came from her

From all her heartfelt cries

She tried to keep them happy

With a little charm and wit

But they flogged her daily

With words so full of shit

Slowly they made her like them

Slowly her heart turned to stone

Because slowly the eels gnawed at her

Through her flesh and bone

Her happiness frustrated them

They couldn’t stand her words

It made them feel insubstantial

She is stupid and absurd

Of course life is not like that

They said day to day

How can you sit and tell us

Those things are bright and gay?

I tell you now, we will make you

See what life is like

That the whole world is a hard place

It will hit you like a spike!

You won’t be happy much longer

Not when we’re done and through with you

You say you should find the positives

We say, you have no clue!

You are stupid and naive

And we’re here to tell the truth

There is nothing so nice about life

Nothing is sweet and smooth!

You stupid little girl

With your stupid sweet ways

We are tired of you seeing things sideways!

We’ll knock you down and you’ll be like us

Off a pedestal

You will hurt like the rest of us

We are taking you to school!

The joy and laughter will leave you

When you come and see the truth

Do your lesson well and we will show you proof!

You can’t have these or this or that

You can’t be happy in mounds of scat

You will eat the shit of life we give you

Down here in the deep blue

You can’t tell me there’s something grateful here

Yes that’s right go and shed your tears

You are learning good, now shut your mouth

Or else we’ll go worse on you and take you to the South!

So Pollyanna is dying, she is leaving me

Pollyanna was once alive, deep inside of me

But they made me see that things aren’t bright

And maybe things one day won’t be alright?

Maybe they’ll stay the same and they won’t change at all

We are in this for the long haul

Can I ever see the light again or am I in too deep?

Will I have the courage, to close my eyes and sleep?

I can’t tell right now at all

Because today I am at a wall

It is blocking my sight to see

I wished I could be free

But I am stuck here in the blue

My only hope is to be fished out by you

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My life in colour

It’s a colourful world and over the years my favourite colours have changed, quite dramatically.

When I was very small, from as young as I can remember probably a toddler, till I was around seven years old, I loved the colours pink and red; I was a truly quite a feminine little creature back then.  When I turned around 8yrs old, I grew to hate both of those colours, because my mum came away from blacks and browns and decided to decorate most of the house red and it came with her massive personality changes in how she raised me.

Red is a colour of aggression and violence and it happened to be a time where there was a lot of it in the house from each member of the family to each other and outsiders forcing their way into the home or dragging people out of it for a darn good belting!

Mum changed the colour scheme when I was around 12yrs old on advisement from the therapist I was seeing.  This is when I began to believe in colour psychology, because a lot of the violence cooled down, not a lot, but enough to feel safer.

My favourite colour became sky blue until I reached around 10yrs old, when I decided I liked black and royal blue a lot.

Around the age of 14 my favourite colour went back to sky blue, but also pastel yellows, until I had my mastoid surgery when I was around 17 – when my colour scheme went back to black, royal blues and purples and more or less stayed there for most of my life since.

It was around 2013 that my colours kind of changed again – Royal purple being my main favourite, but with lime green, orange and chocolate brown – I still occasionally like royal blue and even teal or viridian maybe even turquoise, I noticed I like peacock colours and royal colours a lot. 

These days I mostly prefer purples of any shade, blues of any shade and certain types of green and orange.  I am going off brown lately, unless in fashion.

I’ve always loved certain patterns too, like harlequin patterns, black and white diamonds you know?  Rainbows, zebra prints, polka dots and gingham, I also kind of like dogtooth.

If it’s garish I’d probably like it.  I don’t like to have things looking too uniformed around a home, I kind of like to mix and match for comfort.  I love cushions of any size and shape really. 

I really, really hate large blocks of white and grey though; grey is the most hated colour in all the world to me.  Though put grey on a man in a nice suit and it’s pretty good for some men, suits some of them – but ordinarily outside of that, I have a low grey tolerance.    Silver is fine, but not grey.

I’m allergic to gold, but still like to use the gold paint, which reminds me…

I also love metallic colours and when I used to be able to afford practising my art, I’d use metallic up before anything else.

One of my favourite things in interior design is the Verdigris copper effect.

Most of the flowers in my garden are blue, purple or orange with little shocks of white here and there.  Before the bad neighbour started to take the joy of gardening away from me, our front garden was known as the blue garden that stole nature.  Because our garden was mostly all different shades of blue and purples and we had all the bees, butterflies, birds and other creatures you could think of, whereas everywhere else was barren.

I also like steampunk stuff too, as I said, I love metals, but I really hate all this modern interior design that goes in for a lot of chrome and that – that’s not me.  I like organised chaos, mix it up, nothing that looks too clinical, you know?

My home here with Paul in the past few years has slowly started to look more and more like a teenagers bedroom, not because of the mess – that’s not me, I am not messy, it’s the boys of the house that does that!  But for me what I meant is, I am not ashamed to have beautiful butterfly cushions on the sofa, mixed up with a marvel cushion and a piglet cushion etc.

I am not ashamed of adorning my bookshelves with trolls, gnomes, faeries, dragons and crystals.

I am also not ashamed to use perfume instead of air spray to freshen the rooms up a bit.

What gets confusing is days like today… I feel gothic today.  I want to be like Morticia Addams, I wish I had her figure at least! 

I often wondered what it would be like to be so rich that you could be ridiculous with it… such as, have a huge house that is completely identical on either side, you know, like a mirror, but its split in half, still attached, only one side is completely gothic on the inside with dark academia style – the other side is like a teenage fantasy house with kooky stuff and bits of kawaii.  On the outside everyone can see what looks like a morph of The Addams Family residence stuck together and squished into some weird little fairy cottage or something.

Because day to day I change, some days I wake up feeling like the creature of the night and other days I am waking up with the same spirit and vibrancy of a care bear!

Mummy’s having a spooky day dear; please go to the kitchen of gloom for your breakfast today.  Haha.

On a serious note, it is something I’ve thought about for a while.

Obviously on the dark side we’ll have creaky doors and noisy furniture.

It is hard for me to choose which lifestyle to be, fantasy colourful and bright or dark academia spook.

Do I want to wear rainbow dungarees today?  Or do I totally want the Elvira vibe?

Decisions, decisions!

I think I’ll just mix it up and keep doing that.

So what if you see a three headed dog statue in one corner and a rainbow unicorn in another, so what if you come across hands in the wall to hang your coats and crystals shining rainbows into the room – it’s a home and it would be mine and I feel it to be divine!

Does anybody want to join me in my weirdness?

Because certainly if you want a life with me it’s certainly not going to be boring and I refuse to be normal… normal people scare me, why the heck do I want to be one of them?

If I won the lottery on Friday I will be buying loads of weird stuff, Paul dreads it.  But Paul isn’t planning on being in my life anymore, so what the hey?

You can get an idea of my weird tastes by following some of my pin boards on Pinterest.  My favourite and weirdest board is called FUNNYTURE  https://www.pinterest.co.uk/thetardycreative/funnyture/

Thanks for reading!

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Meh day

Today was a meh, I don’t wanna get up kind of day.

I had a happy dream.

So I just threw together the first things I saw and I am so happy I was not obligated to go out today!

My hair is worn in a ponytail today and I threw on a dark blue vest and abstract black and white wide legged trousers and wearing an oversized mock cashmere cardigan, as its cold. As I haven’t gone out today, I was wearing all of this with pink mules, hey, no one is gonna see it!

Shh.

Happy reading!

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