DISCLAIMER – EXTREME TRUE LIFE BODY HORROR MEMORIES
There are things I thought I have shared on my blog, only for me to find that I can’t find where they are when I want to refer back to them; what I have done is, lost the confidence to post some things and put them on a private journal on another site, like blogger; where only invited people can see what is there, because sometimes I am ashamed of my past.
Even the things that I should be shameless about because those things weren’t my fault, I feel I should hide them because it is too graphic for my audience.
But I have to write those things sometimes, as a form of therapy to myself – also as I write things down it is easier for me to zone out and just read out loud for Paul to know things about my past, without me feeling too attached. Because I can zone out and read something out loud, it’s a weird skill I have developed over the years to protect myself from hurting again.
I don’t think anyone can understand how that works, I know I don’t.
One of those things for example is an explanation about who Catalina is to me.
I thought I had shared this here, but apparently not – or at least I can’t find the post using the keywords I was trying to find in order to reference for you who she is.
So, this is why this post exists – to tell you who she is to me.
This is why I have to state right now DISCLAIMER – THIS POST IS NOT FOR THE LIGHT-HEARTED.
One of my exes put me on birth control against my will so that he could have unprotected sex with me whenever he liked, he made me have the Depo-Provera injection – however, my mother didn’t trust me when I told her that I am on Depo-Provera and so she too, forced me back to another clinic for the mini pill and another injection on top.
I told the doctor at the clinic mum doesn’t believe how I got that bruise and the doctor said that if I had a double dose so quickly like this as well as have the mini pill, I could permanently damage my fertility in the future – mum was eager to make me do it and forced the doctor to agree too.
So I had it done again.
My ex, who I will name G here, was happy to do as he pleased even though I was suffering really badly for a month with a very bruised back.
He and I were confident there would be no unwanted babies coming our way, for him anyway.
Unfortunately for G and my mum I am one of the 4% that seem to be able to get pregnant on contraception whether it is in double doses or not.
Believe me when I tell you, I freaked out by this as both homes would have kicked me out if they knew I was pregnant! But I love babies and I could never abort, personally.
So I continued in our relationship, hoping he’d grow to like the idea, but instead he thought I lied to him, because he worked in the medical profession and in his eyes this was impossible!
He was already domestically violent to me before this happened, but after I told him about the pregnancy test and showed him the evidence of it, he got more violent with me. He completely denied the fact that the test was genuine and wouldn’t acknowledge or talk about it with me.
I started to suffer during my pregnancy and I wouldn’t tell my mum I was pregnant at all, because it would have been a mixed race baby and she told me at the time that she’d beat me up and kick me out and burn all my stuff in her house if she thought for one minute I would be pregnant with a Peruvian Indians baby.
I couldn’t get medical assistance to see how the pregnancy faired in London with mum, when G sent me back to my mother for weekends and the occasional week and I couldn’t go to a doctor in Wickford, Essex because G wouldn’t let me sign up in the area.
I started to lose a lot of weight because of extreme morning sickness and I started to get really bad bleedings and I felt I needed a doctor ASAP, so I begged G to get me to a hospital as I was getting really ill – all he could think about was how horny he was right then and wanted to have me immediately, no matter how I felt.
So frustrated he beat and raped me, this made the bleeding worse and he went for a shower humiliating me about how the bleeding was on him and how I need to get cleaned up.
When he got out the shower the bleeding got a little worse and I started to get a lot of pain and I told him, I believe I am about 5 months pregnant according to the dates and the size I am. This made him furious and he told me he will show me how much he believes I am pregnant and full on punched me right in the stomach and stormed out of the house, telling me to sort myself out and get the idea of a baby out of my head!
The bleeding got worse right before his eyes and I said, I need an ambulance! He just turned on his heel and left me there, with no phone. He took our only phone and we lived in a dense rural place.
I bled hugely in the bathroom and had to cope on my own, I struggle to this day seeing pictures of foetuses and premature babies because of what I saw that night. She was almost perfect and weirdly transparent.
When he came home in the morning I was still in the bathroom on the floor unable to do much because I was distressed about the dead baby, he forced me to flush her down the toilet and said she’s just a clot, but I knew she wasn’t.
He then threw bleach and towels at me and told me I had to clean the mess up whilst he went to bed.
Her birthday would have been the 7th of November had it have been a normal pregnancy to full term. This day has always been a day of remembrance for her. What makes it hard for me is that nobody acknowledges miscarriages as child loss.
She was definitely a girl, at 23 weeks, she could have potentially lived as a premature baby had I of had the proper care, there is a 50/50 chance at that stage. She might have been disabled, but she would have potentially lived.
So, I named her Catalina, because I couldn’t live with myself without acknowledging her life and giving her a name and I knew I would have honoured G’s family with naming her after her aunt, the one who raised G.
So every year, on November 7th I light a candle in remembrance of her, because it is what my catholic family would do. My aunts Catherine and Christine would understand this about me – but not many other people understand it.
She’d have been 19yrs old this year, probably going to college now or working full-time, I expect she’d have been short and a little stocky, as her dad was 5ft 6 and chubby and I have weight issues too. She’d be half Latino with an Islamic great grandparent by all accounts, with all of my ancestral mixes rolled into one. She’d have been quite a diverse little lady.
Henry once asked me about the candle on November 7th and was hurt when I wouldn’t tell him once, but it happened so regularly, that when Henry was 8yrs old, I finally told him about her. He too, lights a candle and even bakes a cake every year for the family on this day, to remember the big sister he never knew!
I am unsurprised if people don’t believe me – because it’s very rare to get pregnant when you’ve had contraception, let alone double doses, but a lot of people struggle to believe me, because of the violence and the lack of care around it too, nobody can believe in evil people.
Because I couldn’t seek any medical attention whatsoever about this, I had no after care. I bled non-stop and heavily for several months, my mum knew about the bleeding and took me to the doctor – but she never knew the cause. When the doctor examined me, they blurted out how I’ve had a miscarriage, but I said, that’s impossible – mum you tell him. Because she was in the room and I was terrified about her finding out.
Mum told him, he is a useless doctor, I felt bad for him – but I had to keep it quiet.
He diagnosed menorrhagia.
I hate lying, but I just had to.
What is terrible is that this caused a lot of long term mental damage, not only because of what happened to me – but because my mum forced me to watch a pro-abortion documentary to sway me into the mind-set of accepting abortion at any stage the woman wants it. Unfortunately the documentary she chose was a pro-life documentary, documenting what exactly happens during abortion and the scenes were uncut and horrifying.
Not something I needed to see after what happened to me!
My mum was disgusted about it and she was the one who became swayed to a new way of thinking!
I believe anyone should be able to do anything to their bodies – don’t get me wrong. But I find it hard to accept abortion on a personal level.
Sorry about such a graphic post. But I needed to explain who Catalina was and how big an event this was for me and how it has affected my life forever.
Thank you for reading!