One thing about me and my poetry is that sometimes I have relapses.
There might be nothing negative going on in my life at all at the time, but then I sit back and I think about something and the old fears come back to haunt me.
What’s worse about all of it is how lonely I am and isolated. How I haven’t got anyone to really care or love me as pathetic as it sounds. It’s worse because not only am I needy, I am emotionally promiscuous (though a good girl generally) lol and confirmation bias.
I don’t whine, it’s not my nature. I am a considerate depressant.
I try to stay happy for people around me; I try not to sap their energy. I literally shut myself away in a room of my own and absorb myself in gloomy poetry giving you the misconception that this must be my personality – some tragic depressant who mopes around all day looking glum and ugly.
But it’s not true.
I’m one of the happy go lucky people who walks around like some kind of summer camp rep so nobody really knows what’s going on inside me, unless they live with me and catch me out!
I do everything I can to make life a happy place for others, I live for others, I am not motivated by my own selfish needs – this is why I found it essential for me to be “in the lifestyle” (BDSM lifestyle, specifically TPE).
That kind of lifestyle makes me motivated to do things consistently, because my partner or Master as they are usually known, will ensure I don’t have time to think and dwell or makes me utterly focus on them and their needs and expectations.
I don’t mean to sound horrible or anything, but I wasn’t depressed before I moved in with Paul, my depression was diagnosed at a hospital when Henry was around five months old as being post-natal depression, which I found was wrong because I had absolutely no negative feelings for Henry; Just going through a bad patch with my mum and getting down in life in general because of the state of the house. I explained this to them, but they wouldn’t have it.
I was at the hospital because of chronic heartburn being mistaken for a heart attack, by the way – at the time my blood pressure was sky high and still hadn’t regulated after the birth! 103 over 145 I think it was at the time!
I was hospitalised regularly with blood pressure and extreme morning sickness when I was pregnant with Henry, morning sickness was so bad I lost approximately thirty pounds in weight before he was even born!
Anyway, I digress…
The fact of the matter is – my poetry sometimes seems aimed at people specifically but it’s not. People from my distant past maybe and fears about possible reoccurrences in the future in new people – but most of the time, it’s just current bouts of fear and uncertainty.
I’m scared you see.
I’ve given myself a time line, that if something hasn’t drastically changed in my life by April (and I don’t mean career wise, I mean on a personal level), then I think I am likely to do something stupid.
Because I’ve had enough of not getting any sort of comfort, love, security, health, warmth and happiness.
With this to be considered first things first – I will reluctantly try and get into the lifestyle again around the end of March to test the water and see what’s available for a forty year old – not much I know, a submissive should be between 21 and 30 by most master standards, especially if they want to have a family, like I do. I may extend my deadline to the end of May, depends.
But generally in my past, when I’ve been on those sites I’ve found someone and moved in with them in less than a month – I’ve always moved fast in relationships, I am impulsive like that! But I have to consider I am fourteen years older than I was the last time I was on there and overweight, with a tooth missing and no professional qualifications or good health to inspire a new master to take me on.
Especially not in the roles I was used to at the time – I was a consensual slave, not a submissive – a vast difference and I was always involved in what they call a princess slave role, an alpha slave girl of a poly household – this meant I was trained to keep other girls in line, because I can switch.
Thing is, it’s difficult if there are masters who switch too, because I find it difficult domming a master who I love and respect, in a humiliating way. In a passive way, fine, like letting them suck my toes and worship my body etc. – but the whole spitting on them and that I can’t do – because I respect them too much!
I also had daddy dominants, I am very playful by my very nature and never really grew up – but I am not infantilised if you understand me? But I can roleplay really well!
I was also a kitten girl for a time too, but that’s pretty boring as you are animalised and aren’t expected to be human. I liked reading books and the master I had back then found it amusing I wanted to read, and relented occasionally to giving me books to read inside my cage. Yes I had a cage. I was a part time live out kitten girl.
Boring for someone who thrives on chores, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing etc. -I am very domestic!
I don’t do well in vanilla (normal) relationships because my partners get annoyed at me constantly asking their opinions on things – which dress should I wear today? What should I eat? What should I do today? I am perfectly happy to hand that level of control over to a person – depending on how healthy it is and safe Etc.
I was very sought after before I moved in with Paul because I hadn’t very many limits and I am a pain slut, as they call them, women who find pleasure with certain types of pain. Most of my limits were due to medical reasons, or squeamishness that resorted to play not being very fun! Or anything that triggered my PTSD, such as humiliation – that’s a hard limit! I’m a praise worth, I function better with praise, attention and tenderness.
Around the right people my confidence can bloom or crash, depends on them and depends on circumstances, with the right people I feel as though I can do anything and I can become a bit of a daredevil if I feel, safe, loved and protected!
I don’t like masters who like breaking people down to rebuild them, I like the kind that wants the best from a charge and always thinks the best for their charge, the kind that see their good girls as precious and when they are bad they will know it!
If I am lucky to find someone before May, I’ll live – but my blog may be closed, depends on the master. I surrender completely to the right ones.
If not, I can’t guarantee I’d want to carry on to be honest.
I am getting older; all I want is love, a family, a purpose. As I said I am never motivated for myself and there is no incentive to stay here, I am not needed here with Paul.
But it’s scary because a new master could do anything and I will tolerate a lot until I think things are too unsafe. I really don’t want to come back to Paul again, but he is my safety net – he’s promised.
I was sought after for another reason too – I don’t need micromanaging like most! I have a brain, I use it and I have been trained to determine what the master wants, because I pay attention! I ask a lot of questions, which isn’t always ideal for most – but the good ones appreciate it, because they know I am trying to make an effort to understand them and adjust for them.
Another of my limits is, I won’t submit to women – absolutely not! They can submit to me however, but never try to make me less than the best female in the room!
I have a jealous heart and I like being smug and precious.
So shoot me, guilt trip me, do whatever you want – but I am proud to be me!
I know you will miss me if I find someone who doesn’t like me blogging and I know the world will lose what you call “a talent”, but hopefully I will be happier.
There are a lot of bad masters out there, I know…
Just felt I needed to explain myself is all!
This is why I like men with big egos, smart, social, virile and sarcastic – pure heaven if they are into the lifestyle and have a knack for motivating others in a positive, robust and fun and patient kind of way!
Thanks for reading!