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The airheads future

I don’t want my blog to become too predictable, so I thought I would spread out my influence posts over a couple of weeks – Paul felt that perhaps I should do them every day for a week, but I felt that would bore people; let me know if I was wrong, please.

I will be discussing a lot more about how I think and feel about many artists and writers works in the future of this blog, whilst still maintaining poetry, writing updates and maybe the odd short story now and again to entertain you.

I am preparing myself for two things over the next coming months; my deadline of October 21st or thereabouts as my first step into contacting an author’s agent to look for representation for my series project AD and the other thing is learning how to start a YouTube channel for just after Christmas.

I have been planning a YouTube channel for nearly three years now and to be perfectly honest I am more than a little nervous about it, because I am not very body confident.

Paul said there are lots of YouTube channels where you don’t see the person videoing, but I know it wouldn’t work for me in what I want to do though. 

My blog is just about me, my life, my hobbies and my journey into becoming a fulltime successful creative, either as a writer or artist or if I am really lucky – both!  I have even thought about doing an occasional review of the books I like and maybe even shopping hauls once I get a bit more confident.

Why so much for one channel?  I am easily bored and it will help me find out more about what people enjoy about me, then I may open up more channels to be more specific with each different thing.

I am very new to all of this and I am not technologically savvy, I have had a very sheltered and socially isolated life, so one of my main concerns is coming across as an air head who is all over the place… although me being an air head that is all over the place is true, I don’t want to be known for it, if you get me? 

I am laughing at the irony of what I have just said, but there you go, maybe I should just relax and be happy about being an air head, eh?

Happy reading!

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Do they resent me?

When you’ve been bedbound sick for a while you learn coping mechanisms, to keep you going; especially when you start to believe you are failing as a mum because you can’t do the things a normal housewife could and should be doing.

You learn to release responsibilities to your husband so that you can heal, so there are less hospital trips due to you collapsing over exhaustion as you try to pretend there is nothing wrong with you!

You learn that there are things you can still do as a bedbound parent, but it doesn’t feel the same.  As a bedbound parent you learn to make the most of a small space, you learn that you don’t have to need a desktop PC and you can use a laptop in bed with an adjustable table.

You start to think that you are a burden, but you can’t help it.  I became this badly sick when Henry was 3yrs old – Henry hasn’t really known a healthy mum, he is twelve now and my health is stabilising slowly.

You start to believe that your rocky relationship with your son who is worried sick about you, will improve as you get better – but that’s a fallacy!

Since Henry was five years old, he learned that the best way to have time with me and play is by sitting with me drawing, reading or playing Roblox games every moment he is out of school.

I was wrong not to set tight boundaries about that, because in all honesty, I never believed I would get better – in fact I thought I was going to die before Henry becomes a teenager!

But now I am getting better, I am trying to make a life for myself – I have lost nine years of freedom from my mum since becoming sick and I want to make it up to myself.

I really thought my immediate family would be pleased I am getting better, but far from it, they resent it.  Paul feels less needed and is dropping things at such a rapid pace nowadays that it is leaving me feeling like he is sabotaging my healing process because he is afraid that my health may mean he’ll lose me.  Because he knows I am unhappy with the state of the house and unhappy with the morose behaviour the people of this house has!

Henry doesn’t understand that I need to drop the games because twenty minutes of fun always ends up with six hours of lost time.

I am trying to hone my skills as a writer, keep this blog alive, learn how to use social media, networking with other creative people, trying to learn how to set up a YouTube channel and how to get into screenwriting professionally and learning Italian because I want to get back to my Italian roots.  I am trying to do this by my own set schedule and goal and time is running out!

Henry’s behaviour has become sour since I seem to be getting better and in the heat of the moment he has screamed that he wished I would get sicker again, just so he’d have someone to play with all the time again!

There is no emotional support from Paul regarding this – as Henry storms off because I won’t play for longer, Paul runs after him telling him he knows how he feels and how mum needs to do this and that, but also how I really should spend more than just half an hour a day with him and he knows its not fair.

Proverbially slapping me in the face in the process!

Paul is tired of updating my friends when I am too busy, sick or absorbed in free courses – he has made his stance very clear to me. I ask him not to be rude to them, because sometimes he can be a bit too terse with people; he isn’t known for tact.

I am in this on my own.

It’s my fault I am getting better and chose to actually pull us out of poverty because I can’t hack just making do anymore, so I have to do it all myself now!

It’s abundantly clear and it’s a lonely place to be.

I have resided myself to the fact that perhaps this family doesn’t want me unless I am in bed all day playing games to keep the boy happy and out of Paul’s hair.  We’ve had this discussion and it’s clear, I might be moving away from them soon – we don’t know when – but it’s something that’s coming.

The prospect of complete independence is stomach churning.

I’ve never been alone before.

I’ve always been dependant on others, can I do it?

Who knows?

Am I being fair to them? I can’t help but feel guilty for wanting this!

Thanks for reading!

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New Look

Let me know if you like the new look in the comments below. I am worried that it is too bright, but I wanted the post titles to be visible and I think this is a lovely new look. But you are the readers and I don’t want to hurt your eyes!

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Update 30th May 2021

I will be adding new content to the blog soon in the form of a handful of series of stories.

I plan to add five possibly six series, I may revive Daisy Chained on here again, but ultimately I want to add other things too.  I want to add some of my vampire work on here, a story based on the journals of two characters in separate stories, a fairy and a witch and I am also going to do some fan works.

I also want to update you all on the fact that I am starting to write a sequel to one of my most favourite musicals, whether or not I will get permission from the originators to ever get the story known is as of yet, unknown to me, but I hope that there is a way that I can get it seen in the world!

So basically I am writing a play, but that is something I have always wanted to do anyway, I have a lot of musical ideas in my head that are original too, not just a fan work of one that already exists.

Happy reading!

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Half term bland content

Writing towards my blog when Henry is home from school because of half term and other holidays etc, is a big task for me because Henry is such an attention seeker, he can’t be without constant attention from me, even if I were to write for less than 20 minutes, he will endeavour to stop me.  I can only usually write when Henry is on holidays when Paul takes him out for me, so my content during this half-term, for the next few days, I am sorry to say that my blog may come across as a little blander than usual.

Though saying that, I am trying to get used to the different fingerings of a laptop, so I can type on my laptop in bed at night, but I am struggling with the finger differences and the brightness of the screen, but I am trying!

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What I am trying to do as from now…

I am more than a little irked at the concept that my followers could have been scammed or duped by a poser; I had not planned to start writing on my blog or become active on social media for another couple of months, because I am taking a long time to heal from a current chest and ear infection.  I am very ill at the moment to the extent of being permanently exhausted. 

However, I think that I should start again right now, when I am at my worst physically because it seems likely I am having more bad days than not and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and not doing what I want to do in life, even the most sedentary of things.

I often struggle with the idea that I must always produce a poem or a short story for my blog, because this blog was created with creativity in mind.  I was meant to use this as a portfolio of sorts; for my creative writing, photography and art, instead it has become more of a journal.

I think therefore, that this blog is likely to be 50/50 journal and creative outlet.  Because I am going on a big journey spiritually, physically, mentally and hopefully career wise too.

My blog will show you more of me, my personal life, my art, my thoughts and feelings and I will try not to be too bias when I do so.

A lot of my day to day stuff will probably be talks about how I am trying to manage my mental health and disability whilst trying to be a productive creative and housewife/mother.

I will also talk about my medical journey, because it still is not entirely clear what it is I have, other than it seems to the doctors that I have around 4 different types of auto-immune disease, deafness, PTSD and potentially a serious neurological disorder too, which they are leaning more towards MS on, but irritatingly it has not been thoroughly confirmed yet.  Sometimes they say yes, sometimes it’s again, no, it’s all presumption by my GP because I haven’t been tested yet.

I will talk about my past, if I feel it would be therapeutic at the time to do so.

I will discuss life with my pets and gardening, what little I can do there.

I will discuss most aspects of my life, whilst throwing in my poetry, songs, compositions, short stories, art, snippets and advice.

I am working on far too many stories at once, most of the time.  I am also practising art, because I have an idea for a children’s picture book and I have also two ideas for comics.  I don’t buy the fact that the comic industry is dead, sorry!

I have also learned recently that there are many people who like reading my reviews; I have had so many requests for reviews recently that I have considered to be more proactive in that.  But I tend to review old stuff, because I am pretty slow to reaching out for current social trends.  To me, something is a current social trend if it has been published or bought out within the last decade.  Oh dear, well you see what I mean – non-fiction science aside that is.

I am one of these lame people who love the 50s & 80s and are waiting for a huge retro bash that will last a decade or more in fashion, movies and music.  So you won’t find me any time soon, sporting the latest trend of anything that is currently major, if it is not retro based. 

Personally I feel the best decades for fantasy were 1860s, 1870s, 1890s, 1950s, 1980s and 2000s, 2010s;  I am a huge Lewis Carroll, George MacDonald, Frank L Baum, J.R.R Tolkien, Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Susan Hill, Stan Lee, Tim Burton, Stephen Spielberg, The Frouds, Colleen Doran and Neal Shusterman and oh so many more I better stop listing them=  fan.  This was just fantasy; don’t get me started on horror, Sci-fi and dystopia and lets not be picky between artists, writers and directors either! 

There is a lot of people I have missed on the above list that deserves to be here!  This is how I know; I really can’t sit back and say I have no idea what I post for my blog.  I was just being too picky about what I should put.  I didn’t think I should really put reviews and personal feelings towards other people’s work on my blog, but you know, if it keeps the blog active, then maybe I should start?  At least it will give you an idea of how I became who I become; the kind of things that I devour for my hungry creative soul that made me produce, what I produced.

Until next time, happy reading!

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WIP 1

My week of writing, Sunday to Sunday words in progress report.

Words towards blog posts           6414

Words towards novels                   9390

Words towards plans                     1837

Words towards poetry or songs                                0

Words towards essays                                   0

Words towards other unspecified            1087

Pretty quiet for me, because I have been getting incredibly tired lately.  I have also been very busy with cataloguing my books around the house and trying my best to do other things.  So therefore, this is not a glimpse at my average week, this week is not very productive at all for me.

I have only done one piece of art too; I have only done 1 scrapbooking background picture, which is hardly anything really.

Terrible when you consider how I usually aim for 3k words per day for a novel and at least 3 poems per week. 

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Reasons behind lack of posts

Why is this blog not updated regularly?

I am always writing something; researching, taking notes, adding to my worlds and even drawing and painting things that I imagine – it is not that I am not doing the work, because I honestly never really stop doing it.  But I do not constantly concentrate on writing novels or even short stories. I am more focused on the world building and planning. Although that in itself may come across as I am not being very serious in my craft, I beg to differ – I believe that perhaps I take my craft way too seriously!

I make map after map, draw landscape after landscape and scene after scene.  It is sometimes difficult to determine where I will place a scene, because I often do not know, so I store it.  I believe I am more of a hoarder of ideas, a great big vending machine of millions of ideas and I hoard them away in boxes and books all over my house, but I am painfully indecisive.

There are times I sit back and wonder which character in which novel should I get to do such things?  I can never really make up my mind and when I am desperate, I tend to do the most insane things to help me decide.  I go onto random.org sometimes, I arrange each character or novel to a number and I put it on the random generator and it tells me, sometimes, in fact most times, I ignore the generator as I just can’t imagine it being them!  Then, years down the line, a completely new character in a completely new story comes along and that tiny snippet I did on the 5th August 2006, belongs there, with them.  It is weird.

I also sit back and say to myself that surely my readers are not interested in what I get up to day to day?  Surely they are not interested in where I get my inspiration from or who has influenced me?  Surely they do not want to hear me rant about the latest time wasting book I read or the one I just fell in love with and it turns out, you do actually!

So discovering this, I have learned I have more to say on my blog than I actually realised.  I always felt my blog had to have some deep creative meaning behind it.  I had to always be original and concentrate on short stories or poetry to keep it alive and really I don’t.

That’s very liberating because I am a chatterbox by nature and I love talking about what keeps me alive inside.

So therefore, with any luck, this tardy creative will start posting a little more than normal, once a week is something I am aiming for, but there may be more, who knows?

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New Categories to be added and old deleted

Along with my updated blog, there will also be new categories to peruse in a few days and they are as follows;

Poetry & Song – This will no longer be placed in an A-Z category.

Short stories – I plan to write a new short story specifically for the blog once every season on average.

Writing life – what I do in order to write, my tips and guides to writing and my writing development.

Art I love – sharing links to art of people I am inspired by and what their work has invoked in me.

Defining myself – my journey to self-improvement in all areas of my life along with in depth insights to my goals!

Family Life – Updates about my family life, my household in general.

My mental health journey – talking about my mental health barriers and the lengths I have gone to try and conquer them and how they might help you!

Art by me – my own personal art I have done and how it was born and why!

Fan art & fan fiction – my version of my favourite works or alternate sequels I would have done if I were the artist and author, it is just my take on what goes on in my mind as a whole, nothing to do with trying to steal someone else’s limelight or putting them down, because if I made the effort of making a fan fic of your work, then that means you have inspired a large part of my creative brain to thinking about your work and how your characters and story has a part in my creative journey!  Basically, it’s an excellent form of flattery.

Photography – photographs I have taken.

Garden & Self-sufficiency – my garden and self-sufficiency updates, if all goes well this year, I hope to do as much gardening as I used to, but I am having problems with a particular neighbour who is rather sexually harassing and so for the past 2yrs in particular being in my own garden is very uncomfortable as he will stand staring at me with a huge grin on his face and his hands in his pockets for hours on end!    It’s really weird and scary! Especially as he makes an effort to actually stand and look over his fence as near as possible and then dives down to sit on a chair as soon as Paul comes out into the garden. Paul hates gardening and I usually do it alone, but since this idiot moved in next door, I can’t garden without Paul being there to make the guy go into hiding, as he seems to get shy around male company! The front garden is worse because he will stand blocking the shared pathway to watch me and there is noway of hiding from him there! I have some new privets I hope would grow to block his view soon – but it will take 3yrs to get to a good enough height. Paul thinks he is sick enough to observe from his bedroom window, if that is the case, then I will place a cherry or rowan tree as a canopy to block him.

Myths, Legends & Folklore – all the myths, legends and folklore around the world that I am interested in and have learned!

Reviews – reviews of books and movies I have experienced.

Cosmic Ordering – I am on a cosmic ordering journey too, trying to build the life I want in a very serious sense and writing about how that is going for me and how you can do it too!

Art Journal & Mixed Media works – I have got into art journaling and mixed media art recently, I am excited to start sharing this soon.

About me – this page is going to be expanded into a new category and updated regularly because as I am trying to define myself, some old aspects of me die off and new ideas etc take its place!

Pet updates – Pets are a huge part of my life, if Paul wasn’t so assertive with me, I would have a mini zoo in this house! 

Home Projects – I like to have a project around the house on the go, either painting a wall or stencilling it again, or reupholstering stuff, upcycling furniture etc., there is always something going on!

Diet & Health – I have new dietary needs since I have found out a lot of my health problems are due to food allergies, so I will be updating semi-paleo recipes, recipes are vegan dairy, gluten free, lactose free, etc., I say semi paleo because I love beans and will still indulge in those and candies from time to time, but being I do have a non-diabetic problem with metabolising sugar, I rarely have refined sugary candies anyway nowadays!  Also general health updates and fitness etc.  A huge part of my weight was because my mother is a feeder, she got me up to a huge size, I have lost a lot of weight since moving away from her, but for the last 4yrs my weight has stopped budging, it’s like my body has got comfortable being that size and has refused to lose more weight despite a calorie reducing diet.  You can’t live on 900 to 1300 calories for 4yrs without it starting to make serious issues occur, especially if you discover you’re no longer losing the weight!  I have lost 71 pounds since leaving my mother, which is amazing as I was pregnant during that time too!  But I still need to lose 85 pounds, to be regarded aesthetically OK – 114 pounds to be doctor’s recommendation.  But I remember being my goal weight before and to me, any less than that and I was too bony as I have what doctors regard an unusually petit bone frame, they are convinced I am going to have severe skeletal health problems in the future due to the weight I’ve lived with.

Brain drain – just brain dumps, I need somewhere to put them and here it is!

My inspirations – who inspires me and why?

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Major changes explained

Updates to this blog are aesthetic updates as well as content updates; in the future I hope to post not only my poetry, short stories, art and life updates, but also updates on my mental health journey:

In future posts I will show you how I am trying to re-define who I am, because in reality, I have never been the truest version of me, I have been severely supressed and it is a journey about unleashing the real me!

Everything about me currently and in the past are not my real choices, it is not the true or real me.  What I mean to say is, I had an abusive past and a past where I was controlled and isolated very severely not only by my parents, but an ex fiancé as well.  My current fashion choices, my general knowledge of the world around me, my diet and my habits and even to a large degree, my career choices and beliefs were all facsimiles of my abusers, not me.  I do still hold myself accountable for many of the things I have done in the past, because it was due to my emotional weaknesses that I allowed those things to happen and take place, but that does not defer from the fact that my abusers were abusive to me!

This blog will include how I am changing into the habits I want to have, becoming the person I want to be, fighting through all the pain and sickness and mental health issues I have to literally sculpt myself into something I want to be, rather than making do of the moulding that my abusers have made me into.

My sense of fashion, my habits, my diet, my everything is going to change so dramatically and I know I will falter and falter a lot, because I am changing my whole existence and current life, for something completely new, unexplored and it will be tremendous hard work, which is why I feel it needs to be documented online and hopefully I will build a support system from my readers to help me through the major changes I am about to incur.

I am 39 on my next birthday October 3rd 2021. 

Let’s hope that my honorary aunts are right, that life begins at 40!

Because for me, I am still only a baby mentally, I am still only new to life – because I have never been allowed to live.  It is very scary to admit a lot of things to everybody right now, that even though I have a child who is nearly 11yrs old and even though, I have lived away from my mother since 2009 and totally broke from her in 2012, I still have never ventured out of the house alone, without some kind of assistance or support from a relative or friend.  I have literally always had someone hold my hand when I left my parents, someone to speak up for me when I am in difficult situations and to be perfectly honest, it is annoying, because even though, these people are my carers and they are helping me to come out of my shell and undo the abuse my parents have done by prepping me for life – but they also misinterpret a lot of what I mean to say to certain people or they say things in their own way, which sometimes isn’t as clear as I would have said it.  A lot of the time regarding my health, talking to doctors etc, they forget things and me being me, would sometimes be too nervous to speak out and say well actually.

Though this aspect of me has got hugely better in the past 4yrs, the doctors are surprised by the progressed I have made there, because whereas they used to look at Paul for confirmation of what has happened, they are now starting to look and listen to me, which they see as amazing progress.

It is these points which make it difficult for me to actually contemplate a life in marketing of any form – but I need to have that life, I can’t sit back and watch years go by and have more and more regrets of not doing things just because of the stuff that my abusers have locked into my head.

It is to a large point, very stupid to actually know that the world isn’t as scary as my abusers lie to me it had been, that those bad people in society were actually them and they are rarer than they make out and they are actually the worse of the lot.  It is stupid to know this and still be scared of the world.

I read a book recently which is very timely – “The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig, about a woman who lived her life in regrets and got a chance to undo those regrets by having alternate lives, therefore getting a chance to redefine herself time and time again.  There is a quote from that book which resonates to me very deeply “life fright”.  There are other quotes from that book which really connected to me too…

“If you aim to be something you are not, you will always fail. Aim to be you. Aim to look and act and think like you. Aim to be the truest version of you. Embrace that you-ness. Endorse it. Love it. Work hard at it. And don’t give a second thought when people mock it or ridicule it. Most gossip is envy in disguise.”

― Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

“The only way to learn is to live”

― Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

“Sometimes just to say your own truth out loud is enough to find others like you.”

― Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

That’s what I am doing, saying my truth loud enough, to not only start to throw off the burden of my past and to heal from it, but to stand tall and let the world know I am here and to ultimately find my tribe as it were!

Future posts on this blog will include my new diet ideas, plans, because recently I found out a lot of my illness is due to the fact that I am allergic to a lot of food!  Gluten, lactose, eggs, pineapples, flax and beef gelatine to name but a few;

I will also include, my weight loss plan

My art and photography

YouTube videos I may start at the end of the year

My skill development and so forth

I am also watching copious amounts of self-improvement videos on youtube lately, especially Blush with me Parmita, a life coach! 

All this to sculpt me into who I am, not what people think I should be.

I my opinion I need to lose 85 pounds

I need to start thinking about makeup and changing my fashion not only to my preferred tastes but to make the best of my natural body shape, as for someone who is fat, I have a very strange narrow and defined waist and an envious shaped body, well this is the opinion of many people who have told me this, personally I don’t see it – but as I have learned from a lot of self-help books, you’re inner critic needs to be ignored as it never sees the truth regarding yourself.

I consider myself hideous in every single way, yet I get a lot of attention from people about how pretty and unusually young I look for my age – I have had people interested in using me as a plus size model and hair model, but I get really hurt and confused by this, because I just see a hideous monster in the mirror!

I don’t understand how some people reckon I look like Meryl Streep that totally confuses me!

I need to start becoming more independent.

I need to start doing more art and writing and actually getting it published not only on my blog, but approaching agents too, because I keep sitting back wondering what was that movie I wanted to watch again?  To then remember that it was a book I have in my head that I have written and the movie doesn’t exist yet.  My primary motivation for writing is that I enjoy it, but also because I want to see my stuff turned into movies – I know that’s pretty pie in the sky, but that’s my dream – I think ultimately I would rather make movies than write, but there you go!

I write the books I want to see acted out on stage or on TV basically; I write the stuff I wish there was more of.

So it’s a vast change, I am already exhausted just thinking about it, especially as I have such severe health problems, nobody, not even the doctor is sure yet, if something I have is terminal yet; covid19 has caused a lot of investigative delays!

But I don’t care if I live or die and yes, part of my mental health problems is the fact I have been struggling with suicide for the last 7yrs, primarily because I am sick so often that my life isn’t really worth living, because any movement is pain!  So I guess that is one of the major factors why I am going to push myself now, if I push myself into exhaustion and collapse by changing myself so quickly, then so be it, but at least I died trying!

So there you go, it is not a New Year’s resolution, this has been brewing for some time now, but now I have had enough!

Speak soon xxx

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