Tag Archives: beauty

Rock or metal? Whatever!

I feel like a vampire rock chick today, feel half gothic, half rock chick.

I have black jeans which is something but I want them ripped – not doing that to the pair I’ve got!

But I haven’t got what I really want today and that is a black jean jacket with red roses embroidered on it.  I have the white cami with a lace trim which is good, I can’t find my bike chain necklaces unfortunately or my SLAYER brooch and the box containing my heeled boots I bought a couple of years back but never wore is also lost!

I also had a box of cheap costume jewellery rings, again lost.

That’s the thing with this house; it tends to eat things and regurgitates them back up again a few months later in a sorry state usually!

I also haven’t got any decent make up; I want to wear red lipstick today and who the blazes has nicked my crimper?

I shouldn’t say rock chick really when I am listening to my vampire metal playlist – because the songs I am listening to are metal version of Vivaldi and O Fortuna with the occasional Marilyn Manson… don’t ask – just don’t ask!  It’s one of those days!

It’s also one of those days where I am concentrating a lot on vampires, dark poetry and general dark stuff and a little erotica with it too!

If I have days like these I must use it to those genres – I can’t force myself to focus on Project AD or Steampunk 1 when days like that happen – I have to go with my flow or to put it mildly, I will get fuck all done for ages!

And yes…. Seeing me head banging is productive because it gets me into the mood for a scene I want to write, lol – it’s that or I am banging  my head against the flipping writing desk!  Your choice!

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Freeze treatment & spicy green tea

Universeodon is taking some getting used to, I don’t know how to find my followers or find things in general – but I am getting the hang of it, like I am trying to get the hang of other things too.

Such as, learning how to accept being cold and encouraging myself to sit around literally freezing my butt off, because I heard that it helps you lose weight faster by producing more brown fat rather than the horrible kind which makes you fat.

Brown fat reputedly makes you lose weight, did my own research on it and all you need is to sit around in temperatures below 19c  66.2F and eat or drink regularly the following – green tea (which I do twice a day anyway) turmeric, propolis, cinnamon and apples as a main thing – amongst others.  Oh and B5 supplements or B5 rich foods also helps with this, apparently. 

I am in pain if temperatures are under 21.5c seriously, because of my arthritis – but we all have to suffer for the sake of beauty and goals!  Anyway, I noticed the cold doesn’t hurt so much if I drink the spiced up green tea about half an hour before cold exposure, which helps! 

So I am seeing if I would lose weight faster by taking on these new simple steps, it will take two weeks to see an effect apparently, so two weeks of suffering the cold before my body regulates its own temperature.  I am not doing well with the cold, I am shivering and resorting to my fluffiest cardigans again and again, which defeats the object! 

I know when I was slimmer I was crazy enough to regularly have cold showers, but here that’s no longer an option because back in 2015 when the shower broke down, Paul hasn’t been able to fix it. 

I had the showers because I thought it was healthy for the heart to expose myself like that to the cold, also it improved my hair and skin.

I bought a new shower, but it’s been stuck in the box since 2016 and he doesn’t show any signs of helping fix that up.  So I have had to tolerate baths all the time and that means my skin has been suffering due to lack of regular exfoliation and shea butter treatments I used to do to myself.

Washing myself down twice a day at the basin is really not my idea of hygiene but until that shower is fixed, I have no choice, especially as baths use way too much water – so I have those every two days, again it’s not my cup of tea!  I miss my twice a day showers!

So I am freezing my butt off literally… drinking two cups of turmeric and cinnamon infused green tea a day, keeping to my high protein diet and trying to keep the house tidy enough for me to exercise in – but I am confined to a place I don’t like exercising in… the bedroom – because nobody respects what mama wants and needs to do in this house!

Still people are using my exercise bike as a glorified hat, coat and shoe stand and that really pisses me off!

Like today I finally cleared an area and was about to put my mat down to start exercising and Paul gets the vacuum out, he never does that unless asked!  So that idea was cancelled.

I sometimes wonder if it’s all deliberate, as Paul will suddenly become super-efficient when I am busy trying to do something in an area.  If I did nothing all day, neither does he!

Is this in my head or is he really up to what I think he is?

He tells me he supports me being happy anyway possible – but he does these things to stop me…

Whatever, all I know is I am getting sick of it, more than you know!

Something has got to change or else I am going to scream louder than the family banshee!

But hey, looking on the bright side of the heat or eat crisis!

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10 future things

The top ten things I want in my future;

A really warm, loving, snuggly relationship with someone on my wavelength regarding the intimacies and who likes to talk a lot about their ideas and how we can better our future together, working as a team!

More children, I’ve never been happy about Henry being an only child and I’ve always aimed for five a minimum for my family size.  Scary huh?  I was born to be a mother! I know I am 40 now, but did you know my paternal family have had children naturally into their mid 50s?

A dog, a house isn’t a home without at least one and a bunch of other pets.

A garden that isn’t overlooked and is completely protected from thieves and vandals, prying eyes and ears and whatever!

A nice home where everything is comfortable, clean, pretty, relaxing, where I feel safe and happy and it’s a tranquil place.

My books to become movies or TV shows! I write the stuff I want to see on TV.

Plenty of art supplies so I can practise as much as I want without fearing I am going to run out of stuff mid-project and wait two months to replace things, by which time the half done painting is ruined and damaged by people who don’t care!

To know I am safe and protected and respected by people.

I want to be loved, I love other people a lot until they hurt me, but I never really feel loved back properly.

I want to be beautiful and slim and proud of my looks.

Thanks for reading…

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It’s not vanity week, honest!

Why did I confess about my supressed vanity and why do I seem so proud of it?

Because, it is a major part of my natural personality that got the hardest beatings and chastisements over the years, to me it feels like it was 50% of my personality and that since my suppressors took a hold on me – to get me out of the mind-set of it, it was like I have lived my whole life a lie.

I lived as my shadow self for too long, though many people feel that vanity is the shadow aspect in itself, maybe my mind is all muddled up – but to me, this is what came naturally to me and it is this what got moulded out of me.

I know a lot of people, my mother included will tell me that vanity is the shadow self, because vanity is a sin.

I don’t see how it’s a sin to make the most of what you have, why shouldn’t you adorn the precious body God gave you however you like?  Why should you not worship God through your temple, which is your body and give thanks and honour him for a job well done?

Why is it more holy to hate yourself and live modestly about your looks or abilities, surely revelling in it all is the biggest form of gratitude to the creator?

I remember slaps across my face as a child when I actually used to have the guts to ask these questions to my mother!

“How dare you” she used to say as she’d drag me to the bathroom to wash my mouth with soap, literally!

To wash those dirty words out of my mouth, because I say something that can’t be redeemed, her long nails scratching the back of my throat as she washed my tongue deeply!

I hate Imperial Leather soap to this day!

All the women I admired growing up were the vain glamorous types, I always kind of screwed my nose up at the ordinary woman and lived in amazement at how much some women put the time into their looks above everything else.

I always wanted to be like that too, but I was only like that for two short years in my adult life before I moved in with Paul and about a year when I moved in with Paul – funnily enough the year before I became sick.

Its sods law that I want to get to grips with my true self now and I have long Covid alopecia which is ruining my idea of what great hair is!  I have learned these things over the years, your hair is your crowning glory, and the thing that gets you judged the most; second to that are your shoulders, people look at your shoulders and your neck and judge your posture a lot!  Thirdly to this is the clothing or accessories you choose to wear and it’s generally make up as the last thing people will notice about you. 

Though going back to the clothing, people don’t look up and then down, they look down and go up, they judge you from your footwear.  This is my experience in any case.

Your smile is another factor that probably comes before the cosmetic application judgement!  Which is why I have a closed mouth smile, I am ashamed of my mouth.

My mouth is the most abused part of my body, my voice suppressed a lot, my mouth has had a lot of abuse – forced feedings, mouth wash outs, slapped across the face a lot, squeezed to keep silent, hand over my mouth, is it any wonder my throat chakra is hard to unblock?

So what is going on here, why is it vanity week?

Well it’s not intentionally vanity week – it’s just I am really working on my inner child in the past two or three weeks and it just so happens to coincide with a few of the self-therapies I am doing.

Waking up the true me, the unblocked me, the real me.

I want to take you all on a journey with me – weight loss and changing my image and I hope it will be fun for all of us!

I am not going to be happy until I can rock a pair of suspenders better than Dr Frank n Furter!

Just don’t think of me in them now huh, don’t want to have nightmares now do we?

For me one of the big things I hate about living here is the inability to get access to someone who can do household maintenance when it needs to be done, instead of having to wait years between projects!  Our shower broke down in 2016 and I bought its replacement in 2018 and it still hasn’t been installed!  I need my twice daily showers and twice weekly exfoliations!

I miss lathering myself in shea butter for an hour and then showering it off, the stretch marks were reduced a lot and it does a lot to help with cellulite, but you can’t get into a bath to wash it all off, ew!

I think my biggest goal since childhood was to have the confidence as well as the body to rock a velveteen cat suit too!  One I’ve dreamt of designing since I was a nine!  When I had the figure to wear something like that I didn’t have the guts!

Its really weird how since doing all this inner child stuff, I am seeing a lot of butterflies, dragonflies, caterpillars, flamingos, ibises and peacocks – all representatives of transformation, flamboyance, vibrancy, vanity and confidence.

I have been taking care of my body with a high protein diet, a little exercise per day and face yoga and I am seeing a major difference to my face and figure personally.  I am starting to like myself a bit but I am thinking that’s a lot to do with the change in my mentality, thanks to that Mel Robbins technique I shared with you a couple of weeks back!

I am now able to plank for about one minute, which is impressive when you think that I struggled to hold a squat for fifteen seconds at Easter!

Six weeks ago I could only do ten reps of bicep curls without weights before needing a two minute break to continue to the full thirty reps – now I can do fifty reps off the bat without resting, though I am slightly out of breath by then.

My main focuses in toning up are my triceps area, as that is not a very nice part of my body, as well as my abs, because I look five months pregnant if I am being honest right now.  The rest of the body seems to be doing itself naturally and appropriately, I don’t know why these two areas in particular are being stubborn!

The aim isn’t to become too muscular, but to tone it up and not be horribly flabby.

At the moment my arms look alien to the rest of my body, which is why I pose with them tightly behind my back, because I look like an ape… well I am an ape, all humans are… but you know what I mean!

So, I just want to be beautiful and feel good for it, I want to be in a position of belief when someone tells me I am beautiful.  But I don’t want to be a mean cocky bitch about it like some women are. 

I just want to wear what I want, feel great in it and be who I want to be, when I want to be it, instead of cringing and thinking I am making a fool of myself, or that people are going to think that two little boys are fighting up my skirt as I walk down the road!

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Vanity & suppression

I have been thinking about the YouTube channel I am going to set up after Christmas a lot, I have been trying to think about what it should be mostly about.  People like themes, they don’t like random people no matter how authentic they are, or do they?

I mean, I like a lot of stuff and I would like to do a lot of stuff – I don’t want to be bored with the same old same old, you know?

I want to sometimes read out my poetry to people, I want to share gardening tips and recipes and my journey through weight loss and other things.  I don’t want to just be a gardening vlog, or a beauty and fitness vlog or a writing vlog.  I want to do the whole caboodle, now people say, sure you can do this but have multiple channels, but I don’t really want to do that.

If I had multiple channels, then I will need to film and edit every day for a once a week post on each and that is taking up more time than I want to do.

Plus I am none too thrilled about the editing process, I hate doing anything technical for too long.

One of my biggest desires in having a YouTube channel is to visibly show people my weight loss, fitness progresses.  But contrary to that there are two things I hate about it… the fame this could give me and the fact I have to show my fat ugly body and face on the camera, or else, what am I showing?

I’m paranoid enough without being famous!

Seriously, you have no idea how paranoid I am when a stranger points and looks like they are talking about me.  I mean… I can’t cope now, let alone when I know they know me… you know… at least right now I can put it down to me being a schizoid, of course they aren’t really pointing at me…. Until they then call me fat ass to my face and I am like… ok I guess they were then, rude!

I keep my mouth shut to people who shout that at me, primarily because I want to live.  But inside I want to shout out “Like your lip will be if you carry on mate”!

If people knew the attitude that goes on inside my head, I would have been murdered years ago!

I don’t like the idea of going out dressed up in a headscarf and huge sunglasses and learning to turn my head away from anyone as I walk past them like some super international spy!   

I just want to dawdle down the street in my scruffs on a lazy day, walking a dog, without it being splashed on the papers “TC bad hair day” or “TC midlife crisis” you know.

But then again, there are days where the attention whore comes out and it’s like “for goodness sake notice me, notice me, stop ignoring me, why am I being ignored when I have just walked down the street looking like a bowl of fruit”?

Thing is, I do like attention if I have to be honest with you.  But the problem is, on my terms and the world doesn’t work like that!

Fame scares me because of the stupid lengths some journalists will go to for a good pic and a front page position in their newspaper; it’s disgusting what some people will do to advance themselves.

When I was little I was famous for a few months in North London as being a pageant queen stripped of her rightful prize because of nepotism in the judging panel.  I remember someone taking me by the hand to pull me away from my mum so they got a perfect shot of me, The Angel of Burnt Oak!

That scared me, let alone the incidences with a couple of my more famous relatives.

The universe has wanted me to be famous for a long time, but I have always fought it.  My grandmother and some of the Romany relatives we have often sat down having fortune telling annuals for the family and from the age of seven they have all been convinced I will be a huge name in the world someday; though they said I will be late in getting that name.  I will be in my early forties.

They suggested even back then, that I am destined for greatness, I will find greatness myself, but I will find someone equally great to spend my life with.  They warned me I would have a child with a man but then I would leave him to start a second family quite late in life. 

Though I would start all this late in life, my legacy would be huge and I would be like Shakespeare or Charles Dickens in how long my fame will last.

Vanity, I know – I know its vanity and I would hold my hands up and say, you think I am bad for this now?  You should have seen me when I was thinner and I felt prettier than I do now, then you’d know how vain I really can be!

I even have a playlist called “Vanity” where you will find songs on it such as “keep young and beautiful” by Annie Lennox, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile” by the musical Annie and “beautiful and dirty rich” by Lady Gaga!.

So yes vanity has always been part of what I call “my true” personality, but it has been badly abused and supressed over the years.  Make no mistake, I don’t think I am beautiful, but I do know there’s a lot of people who said I am and although I don’t believe them, I take their word for it; as the world isn’t generally nice about that sort of thing, unless it’s true and I know a lot of beautiful people who hate themselves too.

I used to obsess over my looks a lot because I can’t stand it when another woman notices; you forgot to do your eyebrows today, omg you have no lip liner, just lipstick? 

I can’t afford to be vain anymore; I don’t have the budget for it.  But when I got sick in 2014 I totally let myself go because my illness made me bedbound and for a while we thought I had some type of cancer, but it wasn’t. 

I also thought, nobody is interested in me with a child and I am approaching forty, why bother?  Especially with my baggage. 

But I have been doing a lot of inner child therapies lately and its waking the true me up again – I love it, but I also hate the idea of people seeing my changes and thinking I am trying too hard to impress others or that I am being pretentious, when in fact I am actually becoming my more authentic and very supressed self! 

As a child, before my mother started to peel me apart from the age of 7yrs I used to love standing in front of people performing for them, singing, acting, dancing, showing off and being my beautiful self in such cocky little way!  This I believe is one of the reasons behind why my grandad called me “cocker” because I was cocky before my mother got her nails into me!

It’s funny but I started to get fat around the time mum started to hate me and supress me, before that, when I had her love and support, I was blooming marvellous and hadn’t a care in the world, I could move mountains with my confidence. 

She insisted she needed to hold me down though, or I was going to the devil, she especially freaked out when I got the notion of burlesque – a thing I saw on TV thanks to my grandad and uncle watching it and predicting that will be me when I am older, mark their words! 

My grandma said if I turn out like that, I’d definitely be following her mother’s footsteps as she was a cancan dancer and burlesque performer!  Imagine that, my great grandma a cancan performer! 

As a child my biggest career dream was to be a fashion designer but my mother worked like a woodpecker on my confidence when she found this out and wouldn’t encourage anything that might be connected to fashion and destroyed my sense of self love as much as possible to get this stupid dream out of my head.

Yet, ironically, it was she who’d force me into the pageants until I became embarrassingly fat for her and she told me she was ashamed to be seen in public with me because of it.

So yes, given the right environment, the right sense of self, I am a vain creature and attention whore to boot and my mother did everything possible to knock me off the pedestal I was on, because she felt the way I was going my life would be filled with sin if she didn’t act cruel to be kind.

But I have tried hard not to be vain, narcissistic or to reach too high – because I can’t stand the reactions from people like my mother who are vitriolic and jealous or greedy to try and do something to you to either destroy you or make entertainment out of you.

I have to say it has been a battle that’s been with me my whole life.  I want to be this great person that everyone admires and to be beautiful and loved, but I also don’t want the evil that comes with it.  You know?

I am on a weight loss journey, so I can be whoever I want to be unashamedly and with a little extra confidence – I will never have oodles of confidence, but I am going to fake it until I make it and I want to be a butterfly or better yet, a peacock!

As I’ve said before, I have had to learn to do everything on an emotional level alone – no support – no friends, nada.

It’s scary to think of what I could be if I am still alone, you know?  I need security, I mean emotional security.  Yeah sure, physical security, physical assistance is in abundance in the world, but it’s the emotional security that really counts.

I’ve never been taught to cope with grief or have my grief acknowledged by anyone.  I was always made to feel bad and selfish when I was sad and grieving a loss.

Told I am a stupid girl who needs to snap out of it, snap out of the idea my grandpa has just died, the same grandpa who I lived with for the last 3 months of his life as he died of cancer right before my eyes!

10yrs old and all I got was a pat on the head from my dad, nothing else from anyone else, when grandpa died, when I was still tearful after three days, people became aggressive with me – get over it you stupid girl stop going on trying to get attention for yourself!

All I wanted was a cuddle, some kind words, but being raised by adults who are all self-absorbed, obviously they don’t think about anyone but themselves.  They might have been a close family in that we had a massive family extended for five or even six generations that still maintained contact, but they were not supportive of each other.  They were not the kind of family that pulled together to grieve and help each other, they all go off into their own small groups or by themselves and the children usually end up forgotten.

When raised by people like this, is it any wonder then, why I cry when a stranger shows me kindness and goes out of their way to be nice to me and sympathetic?

Because I am genuinely not used to being treated with any kind of humanity!

I was raised like a thing, not a person.

I remember when I was in therapy groups as a teenager, I remember joking with my peers about how I wasn’t raised I was dragged up and spat out, reeled in and clout, clout, clout.

My peers though knowing it to be tragic laughed, the therapists cried and some refused to treat me as my case was so specifically hard, they needed a lot of mental time off from work, as hearing what I went through, broke them.

It happened to a lot of therapists, I often had them in tears when I recalled my normal daily life and they’d have to end sessions early.  I tried my best actually to hold back a lot because I needed the therapy, but some of them insisted I didn’t – my mother did.

I remember one therapist in particular was so aggrieved by what I went through, she broke all protocol just to give me a long, long tight hug as she cried and she told me, she so desperately wants to get me away from my parents and adopt me.  Then she came to her senses and she couldn’t be in therapy with me alone anymore, she had to have a colleague with her to maintain a professional standard.  This woman worked tirelessly to try and have me removed from custody of my parents, but she failed.

I was weirdly happy with quite a bit of my childhood until I realised that my parents weren’t normal, after seeing so many professionals break like that.  I really thought it was normal that at 7am you’re kicked out into the garden until lunch time, made to entertain yourself when you’re not at school with only a dog and a rabbit as company or the elderly neighbours talking to you over a fence.

At 12:15pm daddy comes home for lunch, perfectly normal to cook for him and yourself, eat your lunch and get out into the garden by 12:45 again until you’re called in for dinner at 4pm same routine, mums working night shift, you got to cook for everyone – then outside again until 7pm.

I thought it was perfectly normal to only bath once a week and nothing else and that in the summer your bath became the kids paddling pool, but with soap!

Of course it’s not, I know that now, but back then, it’s normal life!

I remember my mum when I was of legal age to drink getting excited that I was of age to become her drinking partner at nightclubs, but I was terrified of going to places like that and refused to go.  She was disappointed, but still tried to have drinking nights in with a slap up meal with her mates and tried to make me drink alcohol with her – “here love, drink more of this, you are more human after you’ve got a drink down you, you’re so tight otherwise… go on have another and another”.

She nearly poisoned me one night when I gave in to every temptation.  I got so ill I nearly needed the hospital, the hallucinations were really, really bad – she said it was only alcohol, but I never really knew.

Dad was furious.

I still went with mum to her mates, but I started to insist control in my drinks and never trusted anything given to me after that – I wanted to know my orange was just orange and not some exotic new type that mysteriously contained vodka or gin that they didn’t tell me about.

I am not tight; I will drink, but not enough to get drunk.

So yeah, all sorts of things could end up on my vlog, but I won’t make it a sympathise with me vlog.  It will all be upbeat or informative, nothing dull, nothing depressing; it will be my happy place.

I was thinking about being 100% authentic on there, no matter how tragic it is.  Doing all sorts of things, whether I get laughed at or not, because no doubt I will because I am cheeky – I am self-deprecating and I do stupid things, I am accident prone, I am just not graceful and clueless… it will be hilarious. 

I mean the other day, I was putting on something really tight and I struggled and I was hopping around the room like a Chinese vampire, trying to heave these darn pants on and I fell ass over tit on my face!

Don’t be surprised if that happens in the vlogs if I am brave enough to show my face!

Henry forgot his password to his Roblox game review channel he had, where I’d comment from time to time funny little quips now and again, interrupting his shows and he said if it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t have had as many views – because a lot of people loved the mum stuff.

We thought at the time, Henry was a budding “Morgz” because he did a lot of stuff with his mum didn’t he?

Well this post is getting a bit long now, so I think I had better end it here, sorry about that, just so much on my mind tonight.

Thanks for reading!

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Pixies, pores & chores

Yesterday, I missed an old tartan dress I used to have and I kind of wanted to wear tartan clothing for some weird reason, preferably though, a trouser suit.

Today I wanted to wear green velveteen or something similar; today was a sort of extra glamorous day for me where I wanted to make more effort with myself, but I kind of also wanted to be a pixie as strange as that sounds.

Usually I try to weight myself on Thursdays, but I got my days mixed up and did it today to find I have lost another four pounds in weight – that’s made exactly 9 pounds and 4 ounce weight loss in three weeks, despite online saying I’d only lose two pounds a week on average.

The face yoga is doing my face a treat, I can tell you, there is a noticeable difference in my face, and I feel I am getting prettier, but there you go; my eyebrows still have issues, I have a sense I should leave them alone as I feel like whenever I touch them I make them worse!

My new moisturiser burned me a little the other day and it makes me look like I have acne, but it’s not, it’s just little spots that came up with the reaction around my chin, there’s about five, my pores bled!  That’s the thing with me; I have very sensitive skin I have to be cautious with new products.  I am severely allergic to two thirds of all depilatory creams; the reaction is so bad I break out in huge grape sized hives all over my body within a minute that takes two weeks to fade!  So I have to pluck or shave or sugar wax instead.

Shaving isn’t ideal because I get goose bumps easily, whenever I am touched, so I tend to get a lot of nicks.

Before our financial crisis I used to lay back and read a book whilst Henry plucked the hairs out of my legs individually with tweezers, I paid him £3 per leg, he loved the job.  Weird kid!  Though it was oddly relaxing for me and I got a lot of reading done back then!

Henry was so duty oriented when we had the money, he was often getting chores for lots of other things around the house and paid per chore, he was clocking up an average of £8 a week from me alone – that’s without his regular £3.50 from his dad which was just a given!

I tried to instil an excellent work ethic in that boy, but since we’re not paying him anymore, he has become rebellious about most chores!

I suppose you get your money’s worth.

Though when I can afford a little I still say to him “Henry, fancy cleaning the bath for 50p”?  And he is up there like a shot and doing it happily!

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Abstract & hair

Black and white abstract for me today, maybe diamond or dog tooth patterns if I had that type of clothing, but definitely black and white colours today.

I have been learning about the shape of my face this week and I am trying to sculpt it slimmer by using a method called “face yoga”; I am not blessed as I have a pear shape or inverted triangle shaped face.

The reason why I am starting to do exercise and beauty regimes behind Paul’s back is because he discourages a lot of it, only to be surprised at what I’ve done afterwards.  So lately, things are going more underground here – or as underground as I could when you consider I am hardly ever alone. 

I found out that a curled bob would suit my face, so I decided to use my curling tongs to do that – I’ve always had curling tongs but never used them as they were once an unwanted Christmas present.

My first attempt at curling my hair was a failure, because I remembered my mother’s advice about it and Paul learned what I was up to and immediately suggested that this hairstyle wouldn’t suit me and that I was doing it all wrong anyway!

My mother taught me when using these hair irons you have to keep your hair soaking wet and let the tongs burn into your hair until it dries into shape!  YIKES!  I never knew but this was hugely bad advice and probably an evil attempt of hers to make me look worse!

Paul was angry when he heard her advice reminisce by me as I was trying to do it after I washed my hair!

I was also upset that my hair wasn’t staying in shape, to which Paul advised again, you need to use hairspray, love.

Oh.

I asked him how he knew all of this and he reminded me of his days when he was a glamor model photographer and so he knew what went on behind the scenes and picked up a lot along the way!

Paul didn’t look optimistic at my curly bob hairdo, but when it was done he was stunned and Henry just can’t stop touching my hair and hugging me since I’ve done it and I am trying to get into the habit of doing it daily.

I wanted to post a picture of it today, but I didn’t sleep well last night and I can’t get the puffiness out of my eyes, so maybe another day?

It definitely makes my face look less big and cumbersome and has made me look gentler.

I say curly bob, but my hair is about 3 inches longer than my jawline right now and I still have sticky up hair in the middle from the Long Covid alopecia, but never mind, though its less noticeable as the curls kind of  hide it and I pin it down a bit with the spray.

I wished I could afford the money to go to a hairdresser and dye my hair, because I am developing large blocks of white!  Though I’d love to go completely white, but I am forty years old and I just look too young for it right now – I don’t know, I am dithering about it really.

I also need make up, but I just can’t budget that right now, ho hum.

Especially as I have to force myself to save whatever I can because most of my clothes are way too big on me now and I need replacements ASAP, I think I am about a month away from having to go into credit to get clothes that actually fit me!

No other choice for me, sorry to say!

Paul is determined outside of writing and art that he doesn’t want me going out to work but I don’t really know why, he reckons it’s worry because I am sick too often.  But I don’t really know beyond that, why he is so adamant about it.

But there you go, abstract black and white day with beautiful curly bob, and if my eyes weren’t so puffy, you’d have seen a pic of it!

Also, to be honest with you – my depression has been really bad, so a lot of the puffiness could be the crying I’ve done.

Anyway, stop those sympathetic awes and I will see you in my next post!

Thanks for reading!

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Today I am having tooth surgery

I’m having dental surgery today, because I am known for severe anxiety attacks and I have asthma, I am going to be going under anaesthetic for it.  I am having a tooth extraction and a filling; because I broke one tooth on a chicken bone and the other I don’t know how that got damaged. 

Before anyone judges me, no I am not in the habit of crunching down on bones (though I do a lovely bone broth) – this was meant to be a chicken pate in a burger I had a couple of years back but there was an unexpected bone in it which broke one of my front teeth when it got stuck between them and I tried to get it out myself, because my former dentist couldn’t see it!

There is a good thing about this, you are probably horrified – it’s a front tooth how can you be so positive about it?  Because I had a double set you see and I was never confident about having that tooth there anyway, now the dentist I have reckons we could try and train the other tooth to close the gap – yes I am nearly forty but it looks like I am going to be getting braces soon! 

So for the first time in my life – well after the gap is filled up with my other tooth, I could smile in the future with ease.  I was always self-conscious about my teeth and was never inclined to toothy grins! 

My top set are good, they are nice and I am proud of them, but my bottom set was always too untidy looking and I was never confident in the past to sort it out.

Now with this problem tooth gone, I will feel a little more confident, especially if we successfully close the gap with the spare tooth.  If we don’t, then the other option is to have that spare one removed and get a bridge.  When that is done, I will be so much more confident and my next step to personal confidence will be to try out contact lenses!

I have to admit I am terrified today, because I do react to anaesthetic badly and I take much longer than the average Joe to wake up from it.   I remember when I had an epidural when I was giving birth to Henry, my legs should have got feeling back within three hours, or so the midwife said, but I took eighteen hours before I could walk again!

So, with that being said – I am not going to be doing any live for potentially two or three days from now, because I am likely to be like a zombie after that!

No social media for three days I think!

There will be posts on this blog daily still, they are pre-planned, in fact I am talking like this is a live conversation today… it isn’t, this was actually composed on the seventeenth of July.

I will take pictures before the tooth is removed and later on, when I have closed the gap I will show a before and after – but I won’t do it before then! 

Thanks for reading!

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Weight issues explained

I am still going through the process of trying to define myself and I am not doing so with confidence, in fact, I feel like I am dragging myself along in a clueless manner and I am frightened of embarrassing myself, but I am trying to overcome that fear!

One of the major things is my self-image, how I look; because in my mind I am hideous!

I feel that my eyes are too squinty when I smile and I am embarrassed by that and that makes me feel a huge pang of guilt, because my eyes are an inheritance of my Singaporean and Vietnamese ancestors.  Henry has also inherited these eyes.

I have always been bullied for my squinty eyes or my cunning, sly looking eyes and I have always been called a snake in the grass etc, before a person even knows me – because a lot of peoples first impressions are – those eyes look untrustworthy as they seem too stereotypical of those characters of cunning and sneakiness.

Even my own mother has hated my eyes for apparently having this ulterior motive undertone to them and she has often called me a sneaky girl because of it.  Primarily because she knows it hurts, as people at school often point out my eyes and call them weird.

I love the colour of my eyes, but not the shape, I am very proud of having the almost rare green eyed gene.

Another thing I hate is my general face shape; it is an inverted triangle, one of the worst shapes in the world in my opinion, because no matter what your weight is, you will always have a fatter looking face!

I have never really got the hang of shaping my eyebrows either – I have never really had any feminine role-models to personally help me hone my self-preening skills.  They have only been the people I could find with a similar face shape on YouTube, but no one to really guide me on a one to one personal level and I don’t feel confident enough to approach professionals, especially with my more than limited budget.

To make matters worse, I am suffering from malnutrition due to a digestive problem I have and this is starting to cause alopecia – which I am getting very self-conscious about.  This digestive problem is making me lose a lot of weight and is making me eat only eight hundred calories a day on average, a good day I will eat as much as eighteen hundred calories in a day – this has meant in the past six months I am losing an average of two or three pounds a week!

Because of the weight loss and lack of money, I am struggling to buy clothes that look half decent on me, I have got used to wearing over-sized stuff, because I just can’t budget new clothes anymore!

I look a mess and so I have been dawdling about updating my latest profile pic, due to all of these embarrassing factors that are happening in my life!

I have also tried my best to use YouTube tips in putting make up on for the picture update – but I think I look like a clown!

So many people are curious as to what I look like now and I will show you two pictures!  The first picture is of me in 2018 and the next picture is of me today (or rather when this post was written – 11th June 2022)!

I was sick in bed with this pic – no make up on and this was in early 2018.
This is a tired me on 11th June 2022, with maybe too much make up? I am sorry about the lighting, but it took me 45 minutes to get this done – all kinds of posing and reapplying make up – but the light was just not right… I will try again later on in the year to get a better quality picture done! I had no help and I know, the make up is just TOO MUCH! Though, not around the eyes so much, because, my eyes were genuinely puffy and tired when I took this, not to mention hay fever!

In the 2018 picture, there is a large mark on my face which has now gone completely, it was a skin cancer scare – a scare, because it wasn’t that at all, but a wart, lol, its gone now! I found out by accident when I starting to clean my face with aloe vera and witch hazel daily, it faded within six weeks!

It’s likely I will lose another forty pounds between now and the emergency consultant assessment date.

Though its worrying Paul, I am taking advantage of it whilst I can by trying to make myself exercise and tone up the excessive skin I am getting because of it – because let’s tell the truth, I was obese in 2018 – I am thankful for that, because imagine what I would look like now if this happened and I wasn’t!

What makes matters worse is I have a history of eating disorders that the doctors are aware of, which makes them feel it could be self-inflicted again.

When I am sad and miserable, I don’t eat (and go into anorexia and bulimia quite easily).

When I am angry or stressed and under pressure I compulsively eat and occasionally become bulimic.

When life is OK or I am happy – I eat regularly but I nibble rather than eat good sized meals.

I also have a history of having aggressive feeder abusers, which made me obese – as well as my mother having the attitude of eat this or starve mentality with me to the extreme, basically if I refused to eat what she gave me, no matter what it was or how regular she was feeding me, she would then cut out food for the next day or make access to food difficult.   What I mean is, if I didn’t finish everything on the plate, she would think that the next day I wouldn’t want anything either, sometimes mealtimes were timed, this meant I ate fast! This meant that my body had an unstable dietary schedule, which meant anything I did eat turned instantly to fat because it never knew when I would be made to starve again.

This stabilised for the first time in my life since living with Paul.  I was also struggling to eat less calories than I was used to, when I used to be athletic and active.  I needed an average of 3k calories a day sometimes 4.5k calories, otherwise I would black out due to not eating enough fuel.  When I became sick and could no longer exercise the weight started to pile on again, though I was away from my mother’s influence and I had to relearn how to eat normal portions whilst becoming involuntarily sedentary due to sickness.

Thankfully living with Paul I was able to eat at my normal speed, which is actually very, very slow!  I am always the last at the table to finish a meal! 

When I ran away from my mother the last time in 2009 I was 305llbs in weight at 5ft 8!

When I broke from my mother entirely in 2013 I had exercised and dieted down to 190llbs at 5ft 8 and generally looked muscular and slightly chubby, but nothing near how I was!

In winter of 2014 I got badly sick with a chest infection that never really healed fully and other ailments came on, I started the steady process of gaining weight due to becoming sedentary.

By 2018 I became 258llbs due to becoming sedentary because of illness, but never eating any more than 2100 calories in one day.

Now I eat an average of 800 calories and twice a week 1500 calories and I am losing a steady 1 to 3 pound a week in weight, still sedentary due to sickness! 

Paul is worried, but I understand from a medical point of view, it is also necessary though concerning.

The features I am most proud of are my eye colour and the fact that I have an unusually tiny waist, even for someone who is considered big!  I also have strong looking legs that go all the way up!  Some rude people call them hockey legs, but most men I have dated in the past reckon that my legs are one of my best features as well as my waist.

I have an hourglass shaped body.

I am not confident yet to show a full length picture, but I am working on getting this done by Christmas – when I would have no doubt lost a lot more weight due to sickness.

I am not deliberately starving myself – I just can’t physically eat more than half a sandwich worth of food without pain more than three times a day anymore and I don’t mean to make you all feel sick – but I can’t keep it down if I push more than that down myself.

I had to remove some cousins from my social media a few weeks ago who insinuated that it is bull-shit that I have an illness and this is happening to me, because in their opinion I must have had a secret bariatric surgery or something, because it shows all the signs – but no, I haven’t!

Unless I was kidnapped by body conscious aliens and had it done in my sleep one night, which I somehow doubt!

These are the main health concerns I am having recently, along with my neurological problems and my breathing issues which seem to hinting at COPD and MS, but we’re not clear yet to be honest!

So here are the photos below… enjoy… or not… but please keep negative comments to yourself!

Though make up tips would be a huge help!

Thanks for reading!

P.S Sorry for the nightmares!

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Sunday word count 1

I will try to remember every Sunday to post up my weekly word count towards novels and short stories I am working on. 

This past week I have added words towards one short story and three novels. This is not including writing down ideas of new stories I have planned, nor is it including research notes, blog posts, poetry or anything else – just novels and short stories.  The word count is not spectacular, but I am working on improving it.

The grand total this week is….

5679 words

Disappointing huh? 

Well here comes the excuses; this is actually a slow week for me because I haven’t done much writing this week at all in comparison to my normal writing week.  Why?

My desktop computer monitor decided to die on me for two days.

I don’t cope well with the heat, prone to heat stroke and breathing problems.

My son is off from school for the next six weeks, so my writing count is usually cut by half on school holidays.

I have been reading and researching more.

I have been learning about make-up application and have been addicted to watching Nabela Noor and Jeffree Star on YouTube, I discovered them last week.  When I gave up being Goth around 15yrs ago I never really learned how to use make up and never wore make up since and I am getting to the point I need coverage, ha-ha.

So there are the excuses, I only watch an hour of YouTube a day this past week, so it’s not stealing that much from me in regards to writing time, considering I rarely watch TV, so TV is rarely a distraction for me – I tend to watch programs whilst writing, programs that doesn’t need me to look at the screen too much such as The Proms, radio channels, or the occasional glimpse at nature documentaries such as David Attenborough or the Spring Watch team.  I lose my hearing too much at random times, so I have learned not to make my life revolve (or is it evolve?) around TV, because I often have to use subtitles and get to hear virtually nothing a lot of the time anyway.  So I have learned to be a reader/writer/researcher, unless my eyes go on me, then I am going to be OK regarding entertainment.

It is because my hearing levels are so random from one day to the next, that I can no longer keep my secretarial and classroom assistant jobs that I used to have.  Hearing loss is a big bother because I can’t do much independently regarding going to a doctor and hearing them, I need someone with me who can interpret via lip syncing to tell me what the doctor has just said, it is even worse when dealing with things on a confidential front such as banking, particularly telephone banking when online banking goes wrong – you have no idea how many companies out there do not accept a speaker on a deaf persons behalf, I am only glad I am not a deaf mute, because then I would seriously have problems.  I often have to try and talk to someone I can’t hear on a phone, hoping my husband or someone else can interpret for me as long as I give them verbal permission over the phone, my goodness, I feel for the mutes.  Especially as three years ago I had a throat infection that lead into the ears that was so bad I had laryngitis for 4 months solid, so I have experienced temporary muteness and I did have a banking problem then, that I couldn’t solve until I could speak, 6 weeks to get a fraudulent act on my online payments sorted out, because I could not voice that I gave my husband permission to handle it over the phone for me!  For 6 weeks my account was blocked because I could not verify that I gave permission, I am only thankful that my account doesn’t pay any major bills.

Well anyway, going back onto my writing I could have written a lot more if it weren’t for the interruptions, I would say as much as 16k more words and I don’t expect my word count to be beyond 10k a week whilst the school holidays are here.  I do most of my writing in the living room on a desktop computer and my son rarely leaves the room and is often loudly shouting about his robots in the robot wars arena he has made on the carpet and his robot wars videos he watched on YouTube overtakes the music I put on to get me into the mood for writing fiction.  It is easier to write poetry and research and make research notes or further synopsis’s of new stories than it is to write towards novels or short stories for competitions during the day.  Most of my writing at the holidays happens between 11pm and 1am, but Henry is suffering from some emotional issues right now which mean that my days can be very challenging and tiring by the time night falls.

When the holidays are over I write sparsely throughout the day because of my ADD and therefore I can often get 3k words done on some days.  Well anyways, the future will show and tell if I can remember about Sundays.  You will see patterns of no writing at all some weeks, because I get health problems which mean I can’t even read a book at times, such as a chest infection with a running nose, where I am busy literally every single second trying to keep myself together and alive without choking.  Sad but true, I have an immunity issue that is much better since having a radical diet change but I still get long illnesses. 

Anyway, I will update my weekly word count towards short stories and novels every Sunday. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           

 

 

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