Tag Archives: animals

I trust wildlife

One of my crows died this morning, Kerr.

I heard a hullabaloo outside and looked out the window to see their offspring mourning on the grass verge and the rest of the murder in the sky trying to dive bomb away the local buzzard which was trying to swoop down to eat the remains.

I liked Kerr, he was quite old.

It’s odd it should happen the day after I was talking to Paul about how I haven’t seen Scruffy for weeks, another crow I like.  A female, her mate is called the Sentinel by me, as he seems to watch the house and me more than the others.

Barbar was really distressed.

I’ve lost two of my crows in a short space of time as well as a magpie, which I believed was killed by his own family.

He was a runt by comparison, I called him Rocky.  He would sit on the window ledge and was so tame I could nearly stroke him when the window was opened.  He had an obsession with a pebble that he carried everywhere with him, he was unusually thin and although he was about a year old – he was still being fed by his family, sometimes forcibly.  I think they killed him as he was a burden, he never grew up and he was quite strange for a magpie.

I miss him too.

I am silly like this, I get attached to the local wildlife and name them and I will try to tame them when they come into my garden and care for them. 

A few years ago Paul wanted to take me to live with him in Canada, but our plans fell through due to my ill-health.  He always said, he could imagine me on the porch surrounded by bears and raccoons and hand feeding them berries, treating them all like pets!

I actually think that would have happened too, if we had gone!

I am rather shamanic and very brave around all animals.

I have nearly touched a real live bear once too – they were passive, I got within two inches of their snout before their keeper stopped me in my tracks.  You see I had found a way through the bars of a zoo cage to touch them.  It was a friendly bear and it sniffed my hand and tilted its head like it was going to let me stroke it.  That zoo made renovations very quickly after this happened.

I had a deep sense of trust it wasn’t going to hurt me, because I could read its energy. 

But that’s just me, a feral creature in her own right with a deep understanding for nature; humans are far more dangerous than any bear!

All I think about is love, I send love to the animal, peace, I don’t have a fleeting feeling of fear at all – I feel happy, content, loving, peaceful and trusting and say over in my head like I am talking to the animal itself – I just want to share my love, I won’t hurt you, let me touch you. 

Thanks for reading!

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My authenticity as an author

What is my authentic self as an author?

What are my passions and experiences which seem to flow into my work effortlessly?

Basically, what makes this author, this author?

It’s not unknown if you have been following me for some time now that vampires are a huge passion of mine and that once they were all absorbing and my main if not ultimate focus?

They are still in my mind but is now swept away into a corner and regarded with a sense of guilty pleasure nowadays, which is a shame. 

But other than my vampires who am I as an author?

I like anthropomorphic animals (human like animals) and animation movies which have animals as main characters or heroes; to me I can’t get enough of movies like that!  I love reading books on the perspectives of animals, such as The Animals of Farthing Wood, Fluke, Charlotte’s Web, that sort of thing.

Being shamanic off and on throughout my life, I regard myself as having an unusually deep understanding for both nature and animals and anything primal really and yes, that does make me a Walt Disney fan.

I am a deeply spiritual person too with very philosophical ideas – this can be seen in some of my work but not all of it.

I do believe in miracles and magic, I believe in soul connections and spirits, so this belief of mine goes into my work a lot.

My work can be very profound and intense; it’s what I’ve seen in past reviews on my blog, in emails and from other people who were fortunate enough to get snippets from me in private.  Because I tend to throw in my philosophical thoughts, my spiritual education and I forget that sometimes for some people, they’re not ready for that kind of depth yet.  It’s a part of me, it’s a part of who I am and mostly I don’t realise I do it.

That’s my magic, that’s unique to me and when you follow your authentic path in your own writing, you will discover things about yourself you never knew too, it’s a kind of therapy a kind of gas-lighting oneself.

I love dragons and monsters, I like seeing them as misunderstood creatures, creatures that aren’t bad at all and in fact could be rather helpful but have their boundaries and they expect respect.

I like characters that are inventive and quirky, a little strange, maybe forgetful and definitely misunderstood by societies they live in, because they reflect who I am.  I am proud to say I am an air-head with little understanding of logic, that has an interest in science though not a brain to really fully grasp it and a memory of sieve – put all of this into a pot steaming with spirituality, creativity and free love and you’ve got me… a messy soup.

I am a mixture of Caractacus Potts from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Carl from Van Helsing 2004, Miss Bat from Worst Witch, Miss Trelawney from Harry Potter, Lucille Ball, Wendy Froud, Bjork and Bob Ross!  You get the message… I’m a mess!

I love writing lengthy descriptions of natural scenes and observations including as many if not all of the five senses all at once.

I have a deep sense of decay of both mind and matter, I understand the damaging effects of humanity on the Earth and I write plenty of dystopic sceneries in some of my stories.  I love the idea of nature taking back the world, after humans sought to destroy it! 

I love characters like Poison Ivy, Pocahuntas and The Lorax for this.

I have a deep sense of survival in me, from both being raised semi-feral in a North London garden with a violent family and because I have a Girl Guides attitude of “Be prepared” and a deeply seated understand of impermanence – that you can often see survival as a theme in a lot of my stories.

This is why I love characters such as Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games, the TV series The Tribe, Rambo and so forth. 

Because I have experienced severe mental health issues over the years and lived with several people who have far worse issues than I do (I have never needed to be medicated for example, like they have) I can fully understand what it means to live in an asylum and how the public treats people who have a history of that environment.  I also understand and have witnessed several times people literally descending into madness to the point of both murder and suicide.  Yes I have seen a person killed in front of me that is something I’ve kept to myself until now.

I have also witnessed several people trying to take their own lives, dying of a stroke right before my eyes and other horrible things.

Experiences which are hard to write, but can’t be wrote properly unless you’ve truly experienced it.  I am not saying try to experience that sort of thing, goodness no!  But you can understand how an author’s authentic self can further their writing by putting in their life experiences into it!

Characters such as Jack Torrance from the shining, John Kramer from Jigsaw, Janet Frame from Angels at my table are reflective of very similar people I have known as well as several characters from the movie The Crow.  I’ve known very edgy, scary people who don’t hide the aspect of who they truly are to anybody!  A few of these people have been put into isolation by the authorities but there are others that have evaded this somehow!

In my experience it is the weak ones that get caught and dealt with, the really nasty buggers never are!

Injustice is another thing that crops up in my stories from time to time based on this.

I am afraid to say some readers may find some of my darker materials frustrating as justice are rarely served in a fair way; I tend to take people to a very primal place.

Some of my characters are kooky, childish and fun, but should really be responsible as they are adults but they struggle with that reality – therefore I like characters such as Mr and Mrs Luxury from the blue bird, God from Dogma, Brennan and Dale from Step Brothers and Sarah Sanderson from Hocus Pocus. 

I have a passion for characters with big egos and sarcastic humour so I am often drawn to personalities which are played by actors such as Alan Rickman, Tim Curry, Glen Close and Robert Downey Jr.  Those characters seem to be fighting against the odds with a pack of brainless lucky heroes who are out to ruin their plans or gas-light them in some way in my stories.

Comedy is becoming more prominent in my stories as time is going by as I am no longer hiding my sense of humour from the world; this is a transition that is not welcoming from Paul.  He prefers my more serious stuff, but that’s not being authentic to myself!

There is even comedy in my darker stories and horror these days, lightly thrown in.

I was given an article to mull over by Paul the other week about how dark humour is an early sign of dementia; I am not paying any attention to that!

Societal changes and upheaval are a theme in several of my stories, hence my love for dystopia.

I dislike romance, so that is at a minimum – but there are some saucy scenes now and again in my adult works, in fact I have been known to write full on erotica in a past blog as short stories, but I deleted them after a while and that blog – I also did it here for a short time too, in the early years of my blog as I was told I was too graphic and should really have it as a subscribers content.

That is something I am thinking about doing actually, subscribers short stories of both my erotic works and vampires, as well as a subscriber incentive of giving 50% off the purchase of poetry anthology E-books I am planning to publish by the end of summer.

I love certain sports and you can see which I am into by the books I write, I love wrestling and combat sports in general so there are plenty of fight scenes in my stories as well as ancient warfare.  I am very keen in ancient warfare history and gaming.  I know a lot of the terminologies and so there is little research needed for me when I write those scenes because it’s a passion of mine.

I am not afraid of killing off characters but I am not a maniacal character serial killer like George R.R Martin, but not far off it either! 

Death sells as good as sex in my opinion.

I like hard-core no nonsense and dominant characters that don’t like a lot of fuss, so there is at least one in every story.  My favourite character is a wild hermit woman from the Dragon project I am writing; a sort of mix of Miss Trunchball meets Nanny McPhee and Tarzan!  Again, crazily based on people I’ve known, as I have said before… I’ve known some strange people in my time and exaggeration can go a long way, especially when story writing!

So you see a lot of my ideas wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for life experience and a knack for exaggeration for entertainment value.

Though I keep my non-fiction as honest as possible, I can use that experience and exaggerate it for fiction!

This is how we writers do things; it’s how we give you the books we write.

Or those who have actually given their work to an agent to get published, that is!

I’m not far off to be honest.

I won’t give you a deadline or update until I send my work to an agent, but for now – let’s just say, I think it’s going to be sooner than you think – a lot sooner!

So there you have it – my experiences, my passions and my work and why it is uniquely mine and why you will struggle to try and copy it!  You are not me and even if you were to go off and research the character references and include the subjects I’ve mentioned in this blog – you won’t ever reflect me, but only I can be purely me and only you can be purely you!

Thanks for reading!

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Feet to source

It’s a funny thing being me, especially with the kind of past I have had and the kind of life I have lived – if you can call it a life that is…

Especially if you’ve read me for a while, you’d know my life has been a life of mostly isolation growing up and it wasn’t much better when I got away from my abusers, I had three years of true freedom before I became bedbound sick for a number of years.

You’d know too, that I am getting better, not spending so much time in bed anymore and I am able to do a little more for myself, such as exercise a little and today in particular was the first time I ever cooked anything since around 2017.  Nothing big, we have a lot of pecans going to waste as nobody but me seems to like them outside of a pecan pie – so I decided to get people eating them I’d make them into candied pecans.

To say I did it though feels wrong, as I had too much help from Paul; help I really didn’t need, but there you go – I don’t have the heart to tell people to go away I’m fine, especially when I know that its touchy for him when I say things like that.

It’s also difficult to do it effectively where you wouldn’t burn the caramel you’re making when he is standing in the kitchen like a saw thumb between you and the nuts, so you have to communicate to him to pass them – only he doesn’t – he puts them in for you, takes the spoon out of your hand and completes the rest.   Making me feel like a privileged child as I spoon it all out the pan whilst he holds it onto a baking sheet to dry – it’s lovely he wants to help me, but it’s frustrating too as I am trying to be more independent around the house so I can move out.

It wasn’t how I’d like to do the candied pecans either, we don’t have brown sugar and had to use white cane sugar instead, not the same; also there was no vanilla in the house.

A simple thing like making candied pecans in fifteen minutes is a battle for independence, I’d never thought I’d say that when I moved out of my mother’s in 2009.

Three years ago I used to love my garden, now I am getting to the subject that was the catalyst for this post; until the bad neighbour moved in next door and started sexually harassing me every five minutes, literally!  But of course there is no proof, no CCTV to show the police about it, so Paul just shrugs it off and does nothing – so the garden is no longer a haven or a means of exercise or joy for me anymore.

Paul hates gardening so he doesn’t really like just standing around like a sentinel scarecrow to make the guy keep away, because he won’t do anything when he knows Henry and Paul are around he is a coward!

I miss my garden a lot – my whole life I was raised in a garden, literally!

As a child I was sort of home-educated mostly between short bursts of mainstream schooling and when I wasn’t having the occasional lesson from my dyslexic mother, I would be bare foot out in the garden for hours on end, playing with the dogs, the neighbours cats and my rabbit.

The garden was my place, until my parents claimed it when I was around nineteen years old.  I grew things donated to me from lovely elderly neighbours who’d pass things over the fence to me for me to plant and care for, whilst telling me how to look after them.

Now you’d want to be deadheading those daffodils with a good pair of scissors, leave the foliage alone to die back naturally or the bulbs will be useless for next year!

Things like that.

My parents had a three room stone shed in the garden, they were big rooms too, and the middle room had its very own toilet, which meant I didn’t need to go indoors unless I was hungry or thirsty!

The room further into the garden was my dad’s shed for storing tools and lawnmowers etc. – but the room closest to the house was mine from late March to late October and was decked out like a Wendy House by me, I wanted a light out there but I wasn’t allowed, but I was gifted candles and matchsticks by people and sometimes used to sit in the dark windowless room by candlelight pretending it was my very own home!

I played in the garden all year around, but I lost my little house for those few months because it was a warmer place to store the rabbit – or so my parents said – out of the wind and all of that.

Paul was horrified that I had gardened so much and ran about barefoot, because I have never not even to this day ever had a tetanus shot!  My parents were anti-vaxers – I had my first ever vaccine two weeks after Henry was born, an MMR vaccine and I really should think about getting a tetanus shot someday too!

But until the bad neighbour moved in, I was out in the garden quite a lot and half of the time I was bare foot – I say half the time, because Paul was always moaning at me to put the shoes back on again as it isn’t safe… but I like feeling grounded to the earth and I am pretty sure it’s why I got sick – the lack of connection to the Earth, I was took from my feral habitat from a North London garden to the midlands where they wear shoes all the time!

I don’t think it’s good for me!

You can’t take a semi-feral nature’s child and put her in shoes all day and expect her to wear slippers even around the house, because of whatever nonsense notions you’ve got.  I like being barefoot and why can’t I be barefoot around the house? 

And what is wrong about dipping toes in the local lake, when you’re sitting on a pier watching the fish, swans and toads whilst you are scooping handfuls of birdseed into the beaks of ducks and geese?

Yes the water has algae but it doesn’t stick to my feet and its not toxic waste, so what’s the problem?  My Henry’s life is far too sanitary thanks to Paul and thanks to Paul; Henry has a phobia of all insects, dogs and soil!

Why soil, you may ask?  Because Paul has given him the misconception that all soil is some kind of poo or dead creature!  Enough to put anyone off touching soil with that tosh!

I feel so much like a fish out of water in this place you’d have no idea!

Yes, shoes are nice, I like shoes, in fact I am like a normal woman in regards to loving shoes and handbags and bracelets, more than any other fashion item!  Before poverty stepped in I had thirty pairs of shoes, I tend to buy for every kind of weather and every colour I can so I can match my clothing.

But its quite another thing to connect to the earth via your feet!

Also it’s weird wearing one colour entirely and then having completely different shoe colours – it’s ok if it is black, but if say you are wearing black and have red shoes that’s weird to me, or mostly brown dress and you have green shoes… to me it just feels wrong!  Unless you balance it off with the same colour hat or clutch!

But I digress… I have felt desperate for nearly three years to get into my garden to a cleared area and just stand there in my bare feet and soak up the energies of the Earth… especially since our house sits on top of an underground river, where my energies are regularly being taken down stream quite literally without any boost.

Despite how isolated I was growing up, I always had a strong connection to the Earth.  A feral child who practically learned the shamanic arts all by herself by sitting, observing nature in its entirety and befriending the wildlife like a Disney princess and absorbing everything… crazy I know, but I have a strong connection and understanding for animals and I believe they speak to me because I understand them… people laugh at me when I tell them that until they witness the most astonishing things!

You have bear and horse whisperers in the world; well I am one of those kinds of people, though I tend to whisper to everything… except most wasps, most wasps are highly strung creatures!

My neighbour in London thought we had a rabid squirrel once, when he was shrieking loudly clinging for dear life on the pebbledash walls of their house, screaming at our bedroom window – I explained no he isn’t rabid, he is just angry that it’s nearly 11am and I haven’t opened the window yet to feed him the peanuts I usually give him by 10am!

They laughed and called me crazy, so I told them, look up at the window now, I’ll feed him and he will be quiet until tomorrow… if I am late again he’ll scream, I will prove to you its why he is shouting – then the next day I will feed him the normal time and you won’t hear him at all.  They didn’t believe me until the squirrel reacted exactly as I predicted on all occasions!

The neighbour was amazed!  This same squirrel caused chaos for three months when I moved in with Paul, because for three months he was sure I’d be there and I weren’t.

Same here with Paul – my strongest spirit guide is a crow, raven or magpie in fact any corvid.  All of those communicate with me a lot and if they don’t see me for more than two days, it is like the owl scene from Harry Potter, only with crows and magpies around the house!

If I am going away for any length of time, I have to tell the local magpie or crows because of the chaos they will cause in the street I live if I don’t!

A crow saved my life once; I think I mentioned it in a previous post?  Funny really, because I’ve saved two in my life!

What’s even more funny is that it was only recently I was told by a fellow witch that crows symbolise the cross between alternate realities and worlds, I knew they were the keepers of secrets and messengers from the spirit realm, but I never knew they were known for flying between realities and that people who have them as their main animal spirit guide tend to be the strongest of shamans.

It would explain a lot really, as I am able to go into trances pretty quickly, my clairvoyance skills are very strong and I do live between realities a lot.  In fact, whenever I go into a new spiritual shop who don’t know me very well, the first thing the owners tend to say to me or other witches that are there is… you need to ground yourself love, we feel you’re not doing that enough!

That’s something a lot of people who knows me always think about me… you’re just not grounded enough, come back Tina!

There is a friend my mum had once who had a dog who was cared for by someone whilst she went on a holiday to Turkey, my friend wanted to know why her dogs behaviour had changed so much when she got back!  I did my usual, looked into the dogs eyes deeply and I said, “What’s got into you”?  He kicked me, she said through her eyes… I said this out loud and my mum’s friend screamed out WHAT?  WHO?  I said who?  She named the person, because apparently there were three carers she had on hand.  She named them; I didn’t know the person but told the friend.

The friend was amazed that I got this information from her dog and how the blazes do I know his name?

I just pointed at the dog and my mum shook her head and told her friend, she never lives in this world I’ve told you! 

Her friend always referred to me for spiritual readings but she was amazed I could communicate like that with her dog!

Crazy… maybe… but I have stunned a lot of atheists with accuracies and Paul is one of them – he is a hard-core atheist, but even he admits that he can’t deny the things that happen around the house since I moved in!

The problem comes with how busy I am, the more busy I am the more disconnected I am to the source where I am able to be like this!  I remember before I got sick, it was the least spiritual time of my life – I was walking around with shoes on most of the time because of Pauls concerns for my feet – and I was too busy with everything that I was doing to even meditate and then CRASH – I got sick and I don’t think it was a coincidence!

I need a good long holiday somewhere where there is a lot of wildlife and nature, somewhere I can walk barefoot whenever I like, sit on the ground and dip my toes in a natural spring or running water, breathe fresh air, meditate and away from human noise – talk to some animals and the ancestors of the earth, have lots of sex and reconnect to my source in a big way!

Yes sex is important… more important than you think!  LOL I run on tantric energy!

Despite this… it sounds like I love being a solitary creature doesn’t it?  But no, I hate it in fact!

For me living in solitude is like a toxin… I don’t get that buzzing feeling I usually get when I socialise… I recharge alone to some extent, but I don’t buzz and become fully charged in solitude… I am not like that!

As I once joked on here before, I have the life of some kind of yogi.

But that should really be taken quite seriously.

As I am getting older I am sticking more to my instincts and intuition more than what I read in books and I am getting stronger spiritually in myself.  This is being seen by quite a few people.

For example, most books told me to use white light healing around me – this actually makes me ill and it isn’t good for me, so I told the people who suggested this to me and they said it’s because I am blocking the spiritual power, let myself go and continue.  But I got sicker.

For me, when I was spell crafting it was always electrical blue light for magick and dense gold light for anything else… when I ignored the white light and went with dense gold, I got results!

So much so, that now when I think of the dense gold light, I am actually visibly turning gold by sensitive onlookers, which gets a lot of conversations starting up in spiritual shops I can tell you!

My Henry for example was very startled by this a few weeks back!

He never believed his mother is a former witch, until he saw that golden glow in my face and palms of my hands whilst I was trying to heal a wound of his with reiki.  Weirdly enough, that mark he had would have been on him for two weeks, if I hadn’t of used the reiki on him that I did – the mark vanished within hours!

This post is getting a bit long now so I think I will stop here…

Thanks for reading! 

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Universe is throwing things at me

In some dreams, quite abruptly and aggressively too!

But they are nice and useful things.

For the past three months I have been having a dream regularly, its main themes are quite repetitive and they are very odd and not like my usual dreams.

You all have read before about my dreams about neglected found babies turning into food right?  Well there has been another repeating dream which is less disturbing.

This dream is where I am often eating in the dining room of my parents’ house in North London but I can’t finish what I am eating because there is some kind of chore I need to do in their garden, usually putting pets back into their pens or hutches, bringing the dog in or feeding a pet.  But just as I open the door a huge earthquake or sometimes thunderstorm occurs and I am forced out into it, because the animals aren’t safe out there! 

Usually the animals were fine and I found that I didn’t need to do anything at all, because my parents were wrong that they were out of their enclosures or that they had nothing to eat or drink – sometimes I discover that the animals are severely neglected or have out bred their enclosures and I am worried what to do, it changes from dream to dream.

Sometimes in these dreams I am still in my parents’ house and garden, but I live there with Paul and Henry and I argue with Paul about the state of the animals and in the dreams with Paul sometimes those animals are killed by the flood of the storm or have run into a neighbours garden that has a vicious dog, or their enclosures have fallen into the garden pond somehow.

But the main thing that stands out from these dreams is the fact that when the storm stops suddenly, it brightens up into clear blue skies quickly and that sky melts away quickly too, the entire atmosphere has gone and we are exposed to seeing the universe right before our eyes.   Big planets, the moon, the stars, seen very clearly, some planets oscillate becoming bigger and smaller like they are being swung on pendulums and sometimes things fall from the universe into the garden.

When I look at those things they are usually maps, jewels, coins and letters, though sometimes it has been known to rain rabbits and guinea pigs..  The letters are always snatched away from me so I can’t read them, but when I read a map I sometimes find myself floating upwards and out of our world into space and I am given a choice in the map of where to go, where things will be less turbulent for me.

Sometimes I allow myself to go, other times I panic about going and suggest I need lots of safety measures like breathing equipment, a ship etc., all of which is provided by the universe as I fret about it, all being thrown down into that garden for me.

Sometimes when I choose to go in the safe way, near the end of my journey everything breaks away and I have a huge panic attack about not surviving, only for me to gently land in the middle of a hospital where a doctor asks me why I am wasting their time, as I am absolutely fine!

I am then lead out into a carpark by a kindly nurse who then leads me to a man sitting a very posh car, sometimes a limousine and I am always shocked by who it is.  I am always like… “Oh, it’s you” in an excited kind of way and its usually then I wake up, when they either wink or laugh.

Strange dreams, but apparently there are soon to be strange times…

My tarot cards have been telling me amazing things about how someone is coming into my life soon and how my entire world is going to be turned upside for the better – but when I dig in and ask for more information, they tell me it’s a huge secret, don’t pry, don’t worry, don’t ask – all you are allowed to know is it is a soul connection, you will both be on creative teams together and you will both succeed together in everything you set out to do and you will marry quickly… it’s all weird.

Thanks for reading!

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Old bucket list

I found one of my old Bucket List Note Books today, some things I have put in there I have completely forgotten about – which is one of the reasons why I put them in there in the first place, because I was afraid I’d forget about them.  In particular places I’ve seen on TV or in magazines that look interesting to go to.

I haven’t dreamt big for a long time, these are things I thought were attainable within 5 to 10yrs, but after our money cutbacks and the UK’s heat or eat crisis, even half of these look like a never thing now.

Over the past 13yrs I’ve seen our weekly budget cut like this £200 a week, £120, £80, £50, £40 we can’t survive another cut, which is predicted by the government in the UK in February 2023.

Such as going to Efteling theme park in Amsterdam in a place called Kaalsheuval – would never have remembered that in a million years!  I haven’t seen it advertised since the program I watched in 2018 showing it!

I may or may not ever do this – get a tattoo of a specific design I have in mind of a raven on my upper left shoulder or shoulder blade.

Grow the meconopsis (Himalayan blue poppy) from seed successfully, they are notoriously hard to grow and I have failed twice so far – but I may not grow it after all.

Go Christmas shopping in New York, that’s been on my bucket list since I was 8yrs old, only when I was 8yrs old I didn’t know what a bucket list was!

Go to New York’s Serendipity 3 and order their famous Opulent Sundae.

Go to Ireland, particular the areas Cork, Leinster and Roscommon, where some of the Irish ancestors came from – for example, one set of my ancestors was a Duke of Leinster (via a 6x great grandmother’s maiden name FitzGerald) and my great grandpa came from Roscommon.

Go to a huge water park, I love water parks – I haven’t been to one since I was 10yrs old, one of my cousins used to take me annually from 4yrs old till I was 10yrs old but then it stopped when she moved too far.  I only like the kind of water parks that let adults on the slides too!  I am a big kid!

Take Henry to the London Dungeons with me, I love that place!

Grow a Japanese acer, they’re so pretty!

Grow a cherry tree from seed to harvest!

Publish a novel.

Get a huge house with 4+ acres of land!  Actually I think the acreage is too small now, I have bigger plans for the garden and making a sustainable food forest type home with some animals like goats etc.  So now my minimal acreage is around 10 acres now.

Make my art project Kabbalah – it’s a woodwork project I have in mind based on the Kabbalah!

Make mosaic planters.

Home make my own garden paving slabs!

Create a large swimming pond, not pool, pond, I want it to be natural… I also want a proper pool too, but there you go.  Hey, I was a kid who loved catching frogs and caring for frog spawn, what do you expect?

Build a rockery/alpine garden.

Go to the Chelsea flower show.

Go to Crufts as a competitor with my dogs… I want to do best of breed but also agility and fly ball at some stage.

Breed a pair of dogs and keep their bloodline for generations, 1 pup from each generation.

Take a cruise on the river Danube.

Have a minimum of 5 children – still wanting that!  I have 1 so far, I need 4 more or I will get grumpy.

Go to the Jurassic coast and look for fossils and amber and generally do some rock pooling or something.

Go to Whipsnade zoo with Henry.

Own some chickens – buff Orpington’s.

Own some goats.

Make an insect hotel.

Go camping with my family.

Go to the Natural History museum with Henry.

Go to the science museum with Henry.

Go to a musical theatre with Henry.

Go to the London aquarium with Henry.

Go on the London Eye.

Go into the tower of London.

Touch a real live, raven.

Have a 6ft aquarium again and decorate it myself.

Build a large hamster city.

Grow Hollyhocks from seed.

Grow and harvest several gourd varieties at once for an excellent autumn photo shoot!

Get a GCSE in math.

Go to a fetish club, never actually been to one, Paul has promised over the years but never got around to it.

Go to a jazz club.

Go to a cocktail bar.

Go to an Italian restaurant that isn’t run by my family!

Go to France and buy macarons.

Go to Hungary and eat proper goulash in a restaurant – I know how to make it, but I want the real stuff!

Make ratatouille for my family.

Home make vegetable soup for Henry – he’s never had it as we could never afford to make it since he was 3yrs old.

Home make onion soup for someone again

Get my ears pierced again as my mother did a bodge job when I was 5!

Go to the day of the dead celebrations.

Go to the Notting Hill carnival.

Go to Mardi Gras.

Grow oyster mushrooms

Make Barbie clothes for a little girl’s doll – preferably a daughter.

Get Cubase back

Compose and sell my own music and lyrics

Make a close circle of Bohemian friends.

Go to Rutland garden centre

Have a jewellery vault like Scrooge McDuck and sit in there like a guarding dragon!  Yes, I know materialism is a bad fantasy, but I’ve always wanted this since I was a kid and I saw Scrooge McDuck and then I saw dragons guarding hoards of treasure and I like magpies and I like shinies…  But knowing me it will all be what my gran calls “a lot of your cheap costume jewellery crap”!  But it makes you feel like you have a big hoard!  They are still shiny, even if they are mostly fake, no?  Another thing about this is, I care for jewellery – so I am hardly going to throw it on the floor of the vault and swim on it.  In any case, they’d be in glass boxes and easily visible in good lighting like a mini jewellery museum, if I had my way!  Weird thing is, other than bangles and finger rings, I don’t like wearing jewellery outside of special occasions.

Become fluent in 5 languages before I am 80yrs old!  

Become fluent in Italian

Become fluent in French

Become fluent in Hebrew

Become fluent in German

Become fluent in Japanese

Learn the tango and the paso doble with a sexy virile man who’d be my husband, because in my best reality I’d have a husband who loves that sort of thing!

Have a hot stone massage

Go for a reiki session

Go to a sauna

Be a regular donator of the shoebox appeal, if I was ever a rich woman I can see me doing hundreds of these boxes at Christmas, I just love kids!  Up until our money got cut badly, I used to do 3 a year.

Have a Indian head massage

Go to the arctic to see wild arctic life, in particular foxes.

Adopt a couple of rescue donkeys

Go to Christmas pantomimes with Henry

Go zorbing

Go on the world’s longest zip wire

Go paintballing

Go to a Centre Parcs holiday

Go on a huge shopping spree offline – I haven’t had one in ages… the last best offline shopping spree I did was £200 for Christmas 2016 and before that it was a £300 clothing only shopping spree in 2010 after I lost 40llbs when Henry was born.  Big contrast to my life before Henry, where £900 a month was a regular treat!  I am way over due for retail therapy.

Buy the latest console with a good set of games!

Go to India with Henry.

Go to Dollyworld with Henry.

Go and swim with the sea turtles with Henry!

Join the women’s institute – used to think I’d like it.

Meeting a huge bunch of celebrities was on my list, too long to mention everyone! 

Take up amateur dramatics again.

Become more active in my party… I’m a member of the labour party and since becoming sick I’ve been inactive – meaning I don’t attend meetings etc. in the village hall anymore and I miss it.

Make sock puppets again

Make puppets for charity

I love Debenham store’s and really wanted to go to one at Christmas with Henry to the biggest one in the UK, but they’ve gone bust as a brand since this list was made!

Go to Hamleys.

Go on the flying Scotsman

Go to a New Year’s Eve party, haven’t been to one since I was 6yrs old!

Go to a Christmas Party, never been to one.

Go to a German Christmas market.

Have an annual un-birthday party – huge fan of Alice in Wonderland, can you tell yet?

Go to the Eden project.

Go to a beach and find fairy glass.

Walk Offas Dike

Walk the entire length of the river Severn as a holiday.

Go to an encounter group

Become proficient in playing the recorder and then moving onto clarinet and saxophone.

Start a YouTube channel

Do a TedTalk, but not sure on what yet lol

Go to the last night of the proms!  BBC proms.

Go shopping in Ross on Wye

Go shopping at Hammersmith again

Go to the Carpathian foothills

Go to Venice for a masquerade and buy lots of Venetian glass and masks!

Go shopping at Covent Garden

Learn to roller-skate!

Learn how to ride a bike!

Go skiing

Go fishing

Holiday on a barge

Party for 3 days on a yacht with a pool!

Go to Styal Woods Wilmslow Cheshire

Go to the Chonqing caves

Go to the Northern Italy black sands caves

Go to Aveline’s Hole – another cave

Go to the Naha suicide tunnels

Go and see the Cheddar Man

Go to Salina Turda Romainia

Go to the Terezia mines in Romainia

Follow the source of the river of Timavo

Go to the Ardia event in Sardinia

Go to a gay pride event

Visit the Karst of canin river and mist forest

Go to the Benin underground city of the Agoji

Go and hear the glaciers sing in Knud Ramussen

Go to Dolly’s desserts in Barnsley

Go to M&M world

Go to China town London

Have cream tea at Fortnum and Mason

Cream tea at the Ritz

Go to American Candyland London

Buy Gucci stuff

Buy Moschino stuff

Buy a Penthouse in London and another in New York or maybe a house in the Hamptons

Go to Duke’s donut shop in Headingley Leeds

Buy Florentine Marble paper

Be on the front cover of Vogue magazine – but I have to get over the fact I am scared of fame first huh?

Start several types of businesses, I have a lot of ideas, but I know it can only be done in baby steps if I want them all to succeed!

Sell merchandise based on my art and stories!

Buy back an ancestral home that’s been turned into a hotel, there’s a handful actually!

Paint with gold leaf

Go to a Holi event – Indian paint throwing

Lose weight and tone up!

Learn to trust and be happy and relaxed!

Thanks for reading!

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Top 10 pet stuff

Top 10 favourite pets are now listed along with a few other ideas regarding pets. 

Top 10 species to have as a pet!

Dogs

Guinea pigs

Tropical fish

Rabbits

Hamsters

Macaw parrots

Cats

Pond fish

Ducks

Chickens

Top 10 favourite dog breeds

Mixed breeds

Border collies

Australian Shepherds

Yorkshire terriers (Not the tea cup varieties!  teddy cuts only)

Shih Tzus (best lap dog, I miss mine they had teddy haircuts or a 6 in the summer)

Rottweilers (they are softer hearted and gentler than you think)

Boxers

Irish wolf hounds

Bearded collies

Labradors

Top 10 tropical fish tank inmates

Guppies

Neon Tetras

Dalmatian mollies

Platies

Panda loaches

White mollies

Black mollies

Black mottled mollies

Harlequin rasbora

Gold barbs

Top 10 pets wanted in the future

Dogs any kind would prefer minimum of 2 but will tolerate 1 on its own

Tropical fish tank

Pond fish

Guinea pigs

Buff Orpington chickens

Goats

A pair of macaw parrots

A hamster city

A pair of tortoises

A black or ginger maine coon cat or both lol

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My dream home poem

My dream home

Would have a kitchen with a soft place for my friends to sit and drink green teas

Whilst I make biscuits, talking about the garden and recipes

My dream home

Would have a nook for me, where I can write in tranquillity

With books all around and a little door that opens into the garden for the little paws

I will have a cushion fort that’s canopied with lace

So I can laze some afternoons, my perfect reading place

Rainbows decorate the wall for me as the crystals shine them through

With all the colours that can be in every single hue

My dream home

Is a happy place

Where animals and children be

So we can live together in perfect harmony

My dream home

Will be lots of fun, it will never be dull

A playroom for the children and me

And a place to sit and mull

My dream home

Will be alive, with people coming to and fro

Because they are welcome here, they’ll know

My dream home

Will have a garden, as big as you can get

With lots of different gardens, an adventure is always set

The children will have their playground

The animals will too

I just hope there is enough room, for my little zoo

My dream home

I will love the garden

I’d go there nearly every day

Growing vegetables and herbs like ears of corn, carrots, rosemary and bay

Growing fruits by the dozens, blueberries, apples and peach

A sensory garden for the children, where they can play and screech

I’ll have a little pool for me, where I will daily swim

Because I love the water so and it will keep me trim

My dream home

Is where the love is and daily we’ll embrace

My dream home is perfect, it’s my happy place

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1st reading part 1

I like to do a once a month tarot and oracle reading on average.  I am not confident of my reading ability, though many people who I have read for in the past have indicated that I am very accurate and spooky.

I have decided to share the monthly readings online, because a spirit told me that someone is interested in the mysticism that’s in my life and wants to see more of it, they also indicated that our cards might be similar…  I wonder who that is?  Let me know if it’s you in the comments below!

My oracle reading for the next four weeks;

1 – Druid animal oracle by Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm

EAGLE

This card indicates that I have a huge decision to make this month.

I may also make a powerful alliance with someone.

There will definitely be some kind of detachment from something or someone or rejuvenation because of one or both of the above.

I may have to have courage in whatever this card is indicating, the decision or the person or the situation.

2 – The Lovers Oracle pack

MANIFESTING MIRACLES

My dreams are soon to become a reality.

I have to trust my heart and continue to follow in its guidance.

3 – Chakra wisdom oracle cards by Tori Hartman

VICTIM

This card represents the Heart Chakra – so that chakra could be the most dominant this month particularly with the below meaning behind it;

I am going to be in denial of a situation that will occur to me

I am asked to make a major decision regarding my whole life

I will feel delusional about what is offered, I won’t believe the person, but apparently it’s not a trick as the other cards in this reading will show and indicate…

The offer is about both growth and empowerment, but other cards in the reading indicate it could be a new relationship too, where growth & empowerment will be important throughout that relationship

The card is VICTIM – but this indicates I could be the victim of my own inability to see that I am worthy of this potential offer or relationship!

4 – The Spirit of the Animals Oracle – I was only meant to draw one card from this pack but 3 fell when I had barely shuffled after asking my question and I read them all as I felt an instinct to do so! 

4.1 BEE – COMMUNITY

The bee indicates an increase in communication, community spirit or social matters in my life.

It is also a powerful manifestation card, meaning that something I have wanted a long time is coming to me. 

It is also a card meaning reward, gifts or an offer.

This is another reason why I believe it is a new relationship coming into my life and they are coming with an offer that will change my life.

4.2 GRIZZLY BEAR – POWER

The grizzly bear shows me that there is an increase in my personal power coming soon, or a person coming into my life that has a lot of personal power.

If it is a person coming into my life, this person is strong, powerful, protective and loving towards me. 

4.3 EAGLE – MASTERY

To have two eagles from two different packs indicates an increase in all the eagle energies of the reading, so it is intensified.

But this particular oracle deck suggests that this card for this reading mainly indicates letting go of the past.  This is yet another reading I have had a lot of in the past nine weeks about how my life is going to be turned literally upside down but for the better in every possible area of my life!

All previous readings I have had from the past few weeks indicated to me that November 2022, February 2023, July 2023 and September 2023 are all going to be major months in my life with big upheavals or events.  In a previous reading it indicates in July 2023 there will potentially be immigration, leaving my homeland not just the house but the whole country!  But I have no plans for that – yet… what’s changing?  Well another reading a few days ago showed me that July 30th could be a wedding date, now that’s super-fast, if this is a new relationship that’s happening!

5 – Tea Leaf Fortune Cards by Rae Hepburn

I dropped 2 from the first of two piles.  I read them both.

5.1 DRAGON

Beware of self-delusions.  This is another card which has indicated the above again… I have a hard time accepting when anything good happens to me, I am always expecting a trick behind it, you know?

5.2 CLUB

Someone will make a decision for me or will force me to make a decision or do something – again, a decision to react.

Pile 2 is next as this is a huge deck that needs to be split…

5.3 BUTTERFLY

A change for the better! 

Again over the past three months, I have got a lot of cards about how I am going through a major transformation.

I thought it would be interesting to let you know how these cards were arranged so far…

The bee had the dragon underneath it – which shows that the decision I have to make, I will probably not feel worthy of again, so this is definitely a major message here.

The grizzly bear had the club directly underneath that, which is kind of scary when you see a grizzly bear with a club in its hands!  Lol – but on a serious note, this is about power play, someone wants a decision and they might not be afraid to make it for me if I am too insecure or dithery about it.  Remember this person indicates a loving, strong and protective person.

The eagle has the butterfly underneath it, which shows us that I will be letting go of the past because of a major transformation happening in my life, the transformation is happening because of this major decision and potential alliance/relationship and I am required to have courage and move onto greener pastures.

So that’s what’s going to be happening in the next four weeks according to my oracle cards of the reading. 

The tarot decks will be done in part 2.

Thank you for reading!

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Mini book of me.

WARNING – approximately 5k and first draft unrevised, don’t want to revise it; too much to do, did re-read it all to Paul, he says its fine. It’s an honest insight to my personality, thoughts and feelings, though not comprehensive. A lot of explicit details which some viewers erm readers may find shocking! *Shrugs* warned you.

Today’s post is a huge insight to me as a person or at least how I view myself, the good and the bad – why do I want to share this?  Because I think it will answer a lot of questions for the people interested, also a greater understanding why I have been tardy to start my life as well as my creative projects.

It has been mentioned many times before that my start in life was a bumpy one, growing up with a toxic narcissistic and hedonistic parent that isolated me, overfed me and was Munchausen when I was healthy and neglectful when I wasn’t and who destroyed my social life time and time again.

I will not give too many details about what went on in my life before I finally and permanently got away from her, when I was twenty seven – but I think you should know, I underplayed a lot of the things that happened – a lot!  What I have said in the past is enough.

I would say my biggest issue with new people is trust – I have been blackmailed by various people my whole life, that if I sense anyone trying it on with me in the future, even just a little bit, I walk.

Yes, I know other people have emotional baggage too, I understand that and I am loving and caring towards people, but to place their problems on my shoulders then cry about how I don’t care enough, to me is emotional blackmail and I don’t stand for it.  I don’t like anyone making demands of me, if I have not invited them into my life willingly. 

I am tired of taking on people who never considers my thoughts and feelings but always demands I must consider theirs, I have been self-sacrificing for too long and it saddens me.

It saddens me that people want to do this to me time and again, because all I want is to love someone and be loved unconditionally and to care for someone in my own way and to just have a happy life – I need vibrant people, even if they have baggage, they have to be able to rise above it, sigh, take a deep breath and try their hardest to get on with it without burdening others.  This is how I am and I am sure I can’t be the only person out there who can do this?

If you know anything about chakras, you’d understand that my throat chakra is always blocked and I practically live with a sore throat all the time with the amount of stuff I don’t talk about – the amount of stuff I refuse to burden others with.

I have lived with so many energy vampires, I attract them, because of my fake vibrancy (yes I fake it, because I don’t like to zap others) and so I have to become picky about who enters my life in the future.

I am an understanding friend, I will be a pillar of support when you really need me – but ultimately, I am not someone who likes to sit back and wallow.  I am the sort of friend who seeks out the funny side of things, often quite inappropriately and childishly, it is the way I cope.

When I talk fast, apologise a lot with lots and lots of insane giggles, you know I am not coping with the energy around me and I am trying to lighten the atmosphere.

I may even become over the top caring, to the extent I do random acts of stupidity like impulse hugging the person who is sad etc. and then I leave the room and cry in embarrassment about how I acted like a moron in there and can I ever look the person in the face again? as they misunderstood my intention as something that was, you know… a bit too intimate?

I haven’t got out much – seriously I haven’t, I have very little social skills and I am very childish.

When I make friends, I am like a child in kindergarten – what do you do for fun?  What’s your favourite colour?  What’s your favourite food?  Do you have any pets?  I know it’s not normal adult conversation, but that comes easy for me!  These are questions that come to the top of my mind all the while, because these things genuinely interest me about a person!

I do weird new people out, it’s just me…

I like professional conversations or conversations about events that are happening with new people around me, as I can focus on those things and not make a fool of myself, as much.

So, this school is great isn’t it?  Love the fete that’s on right now, what stalls have you been at so far?  Isn’t Mr whatever lovely with the children?  Those conversations make me seem normal.

Some women avoid me because I am quite tall and muscular for a woman.  I am 5ft 8 but I used to weight lift a lot when I was younger and so I have a lot of defined features, basically I look like I shot put; which is a massive contrast to both my bone frame (medically petit) and my sweet fairy face, as some people describe me.

Before I got mono and pneumonia which made me really ill with a permanently bad chest back in 2014 ish, I could carry a man that weighed 248llbs across the room with a bit of struggle, now I struggle to lift Henry two inches off the ground, he is twelve years old and 116llbs and 5ft 3. 

I am hoping to get healthy to manage to lift 250llbs again, I know it will take a couple of years work, but it’s one of my goals.  I have no intention of doing weight lifting professionally nor having very ugly large muscles where I lose my bust, no way, not for me! It’s not ladylike!

But I do know with my muscle mass that it is virtually impossible for my body to weigh less than 180llbs because of the work I did in my youth.  One amazing thing about my body, which I love, is how narrow my waist always seems to remain, I am an hourglass shape and I often get comments about how long my legs are too!

I have big feet, which according to grandma means that babies will cannon ball out of me; I didn’t believe her, until the midwife nearly dropped Henry on his way out!  Now there’s an image for you!

I love the colour of my eyes, though I find them too squinty, but I am kind of proud of them as it shows I have some throwback genes of my four or five great grandpa’s Vietnamese roots, they are also the rare colour green. 

I am self-conscious of my laugh and smile, even though I seem to endlessly giggle – believe me its anxiety, stress and nerves!

I sound like a horse racing commentator when nervous and I often exhaust myself quite quickly when I am stressed out and meeting new people; It takes me a few meets to get comfortable enough to talk freely with a person, but it depends on how nice they are and kind.

I am very body aware and self-conscious because I have certain things about my body I don’t like. 

I have lots of small scars for example, in weird places a sort of small birthmark style thing which makes me self-conscious about showing my back, it’s not big, but I know it’s there; which seems to be inherited as my mum and gran had the same thing. 

I have pigmentation patches on the tops of my legs and lower abdomen (the abdomen patches has faded completely now) which an ex once said he believed wasn’t a pigment problem, he said it was just dirt – so that helps confidence a lot doesn’t it?  I showered daily and he knew it!

I don’t know my own strength a lot of the time, too.  Some people think I deliberately hurt them when I hug them, I don’t, I am just a klutz and accident prone.  I am a nightmare doing the dishes because I have a problem with my left hand; it’s weaker than my right because of tendon issues and I am known to break wine glasses just by holding them. 

My body is unpredictable in that it swells up and goes down in short notice, it’s really weird and significant, I literally wake up fatter or slimmer day to day, I never know what the day is going to be like and often it makes my face swell too!  When my body swells it often makes me look nine months pregnant!  Which is yikes!

We’re relying on a broken NHS system to figure out what’s wrong with me, but they haven’t managed to diagnose why yet.

I hate the inconsistencies and lately I am paranoid about my hair, because I am developing alopecia in a particular place, which makes me have perfect brushed hair like Sandra bullock, but with a fuzzy top like weird brown exotic grass sitting on my head! Thanks long covid!

As a child and teenager I used to have a lisp and stammer that was quite bad, but not as bad as a friend of mine, that is still friends with me to this day because we bonded over our speech impediments.  By the time I was Sixteen my stammer and lisp had completely gone thanks to intense speech therapy – unfortunately in the past two years the stammer is slowly coming back. 

I think it’s because I am out of practise of talking, in all seriousness, my therapist did tell me the more I talk the less I will stammer!

My stammer is annoying as it is worse when I am trying to shout or argue with someone, I can’t be taken seriously, because the stammer just makes a mock of me!

I am talented in doing voices, but still the stammer can come and go whenever it likes.

As for my habits, I only drink to socialise at dinners and parties and limit myself to three alcoholic beverages; yes I am the bore who asks for water or fruit juice. 

I try to drink three glasses of water per day, a chamomile tea and green tea.  I am now only having Pepsi or cherry cola once a week and only one glass, hurray me!  Oh and I love cranberry juice and smoothies.

I don’t smoke and never will. 

I don’t like to sunbathe, bad for the skin and I am a bit of a vampire really… though I love playing in the water, or when I am at beaches I am a big kid digging trenches, playing with the sand and rock pooling or burying the ones I love… all normal here… I say that about beaches, but only been to a beach twice in my life.  I tend to go to the fake beaches that are inland, you know, the lidos and the thingamabobs. 

I am a water baby though, love swimming, get me a pool you will struggle to get me out, also love those diving boards!

I am a bit of a germ-phobic too, I clean my laptop etc. whenever anyone I believe is unsanitary has used it and I am reserved about. 

I don’t have much to talk about except for recent things, because I have so far had a boring life, its best for me to talk about what’s going on immediately in my life and what I plan for it in the future.

I love cooking for people; I like to feed people, but nice food, healthy foods.  It is one of my joys in life, especially if the food it made from scratch by me, like lasagne with all the homemade sauces not canned stuff from a supermarket!

I am easily bored so I am always looking to be doing anything else at any time and I love people who motivate me to do things, like, go for a walk, or anything!  I am happy for change; I easily stagnate when I am around people who do nothing.

I am very modest in what I want from life and people, I like praise but I don’t take it well, it kind of embarrasses me to have people be nice to me and that.  In fact that’s a weird thing about me, whenever people are super kind and nice to me, I tend to need to leave the room and cry because I am not used to it and I don’t know why I am like that!

I am prone to nervous stomach as well, which is a huge embarrassment!  My stomach gets unnecessarily noisy and I can’t control it!  Groan grumble groan, groan, like some moany old man and sometimes, depends on the situation or people I am dealing with – now this is excessive anxiety, usually bought on by having medical procedures or dealing with people who I am afraid of, but I visibly shake and my teeth chatter.  I can’t hide my emotions very well when I am anxious. 

Thankfully, on a general note I tend to be braver than the average person, or so Paul seems to think so!

When people hurt my feelings or are mean to me or shout too much around me and there is a lot of anger in the room, I tend to leave the room and get away from that kind of energy until I think the person has calmed down.  I also try not to speak to them if I bump into them again and leave the ball in their court to speak first, so I don’t screw up; because it’s likely I will start with the inappropriate jokes, usually on the person’s behalf and it can blow up again.

I have the habit of saying “no offense” immediately before or after I have insulted someone, because often I have the habit of saying what I think and then thinking oops, but also I am kind enough to arm a person before a supposed insult ensues.  I don’t really mean to insult people and don’t go out of my way to.  But I have been known to say things like… “No offence, but that was bitchy of you just then” or “No offence, but you are a little behind with the times”.

If a person is an asshole, they’ll know I think that too… just too honest for my own good!

But the thing is… some assholes are actually nice assholes!  What I mean is a certain type of dominant that has gusto, poise and finesse can get away with it if they putting down someone nastier, but not a regular asshole who is an asshole for assholes sake!

I don’t want any trouble, but I will give trouble if it comes my way; I am feisty, like I was raised to be!  Because my past had a lot of violence and abuse in it, it means that threatening me with violence is a dumb idea, because I’ve been there done that, worn the t-shirt got tough and so what is the big deal huh?  You want to hurt me?  You’re going to get some pain too!  Sorry, but I do not back down to bullies, it took me twenty seven years to build that strength, I am not going to be a victim again!

I’ve played with some nasty people over the years and I know all the dirty tricks and I’ve learned over the years that the people likeliest to try and abuse me are all soft pussys who never experienced it themselves and will curl in a ball shouting mama, no sooner had I slapped them back!

People think because I have had an abusive past that I am a victim for the rest of my life, yes some women get destroyed by it and never find their courage, but I am one of these that the more I was abused the thicker my skin got and let’s put it this way… Paul can vouch for the truth in this, I broke my leg and it hurt a lot!  But I didn’t feel I needed the doctor, I didn’t see any protruding bones etc, but I could walk on it and I did for nearly nine months until a doctor accidentally bumped my leg with his chair and I screamed, asked what happened, told them, they sent me for an x-ray and found I was living with a break the whole time! That’s one of the reasons Paul decided to get me away from my family.

That’s how much I’ve had in my life, so much that breaking my leg was nothing to me.

I am not saying this to impress anyone.  I am saying it to put a point across, that I am not going to be abused again, not in a way that is detrimental to me. 

I like dominant self-assured guys who know what they like, I love and admire that.  A guy can dominate a woman without destroying or hurting her.  I have a past in the lifestyle, what is the lifestyle you ask?  I have been an active part of the BDSM community and there are guys out there who are not abusive, but tender, nurturing and protective of their women.  The total opposite to what society thinks the lifestyle is about.

Ironic that my past domestic violent relationship outside of my childhood home was vanilla and was a very religious man to boot – vanilla is what we in the lifestyle call non-BDSM couples!

My mental health and my strength to stand up for myself would never have happened if it weren’t for these wonderful men training me how to overcome it all.

Because I was used to pain, I began to self-harm when I didn’t get regular bouts of pain – weird I know.  I self-harm when I am stressed.  These guys helped me with that; they toned down the punishment I’d do to myself to a safe sane level under their control. 

I can take a lot, so I am pretty fun to play with in the scene.  But don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not abuse, because it is something I have agreed on and no one goes beyond another person limits.  There are safe words and understandings, everything is talked through, and everyone is respected including the submissive!

But I tell you now, it takes a very special person to get me in the lifestyle, because a couple of my exes were amazing men.  I have found it very hard to replace them.

Why am I not with them anymore?  The first one I was jealous of their new submissive as they were polyamorous, the second one went to war and came back mentally unstable and felt for my sake, he should let me go.

I didn’t live with them though.

I feel bad for the first one, because jealousy is no longer an issue for me and I am currently in an open relationship with Paul, where he actively seeks other women – however, Paul is the least dominant person I’ve ever met, despite meeting him in a lifestyle community room.

Paul has been pushing me to find someone else for a long time, someone who will bring out the Empress in me, because Paul thinks I am naturally dominant, but I don’t see it personally.  He thinks I would have been quite a formidable woman had it not have been for my toxic upbringing.

I don’t think he knows me that well.  When I am in love and I respect a man a lot because of their gumption, good manners, and self-certainty and so on, I go weak at the knees and it is Yes Sir all the way! As long as I feel respected and above all cherished like a favourite pet! 

Some of you no doubt are disgusted by all of this, but I don’t care.  It’s me, like it or not.

All I want from life is someone to respect me, look out for me, protect me, guide me, nurture me, help make me the best that I can be by keeping me on track with my goals, motivate me, love me so much it feels unreal.  I want dogs, a herd of goats and guinea pigs, an aquarium, a large garden I can turn into a food forest, some more children and endless amounts of art supplies and a cosy home. 

I am forty now, I don’t know how many kids I can have before I dry up!  But if I become rich due to a lottery or becoming a bestseller, I think I’d have my eggs stored so I don’t miss out on a new family.

The Italian, Irish and Greek blood in me is so strong; I need to be mama to a large brood!  It is something I’ve always wanted, but my relationships have always controlled that.  I love family life, but unfortunately things contrived to leave me virtually without one.  I only really have Paul and Henry now.

All I want to do is share my ideas with the world, my art, and my stories, perhaps start a new weird sub-culture because of my works and see other people play or be inspired by my ideas!  I want to garden, I want to go to dog sport events with my future trained pups and cook good food for good friends.  I’d like to go to the occasional country fair and things like that.  A simple life really, filled with love and passion for everything.

This post is becoming a bit of a novella I suppose; it is very long right now. But I want you to know me more, I don’t know why I want to do this, I have some kind of instinct it’s a good thing to post out there.

But one thing I have problems with is my chronic embarrassment by how I look and talk, smile and laugh.  I don’t want this body, I want a new one.  I like being 5ft 8, I like having green eyes, I like having the narrow waist and the legs that go all the way up, but it’s everything in between I hate.

I hate my big nose, I hate my shape of the face, it’s an inverted triangle, how ugly, makes me look like I have huge jowls and I squint too much!

What I hate more than anything is, I can’t shout, because I stammer and because my voice breaks and screeches like Madeline Kahn from History of the world part 1, I can’t sound composed and mature when I need to shout suddenly.  If I work up to it by thinking about it before shouting, I can sound a bit, sergeant major like, but a sudden shout will be a screech.  So embarrassing!

Anyway not much positive stuff yet I know, but I am getting there.

I know I care very deeply for people who are in my life, whether they are neighbours (except the bad one) or friends or family or mere acquaintances I see often in town.  I don’t ever walk away from a person in need, even a stranger, even if I get into trouble for it from my bosses because I left my post to help a woman who was having a heart attack.

I believe the whole world is a family, we’re all cousins and I don’t like it when people disagree I find it so short sighted.

I always thank people who serve me whether it’s protocol or not!  I don’t care for protocol if it means we forget our manners!

I am the sort of person who’ll wipe the table down at a café or restaurant before anything else and will tip generously if the service was genuinely friendly and nice and sometimes leave a message for their bosses about how lovely the specific and named worker was. 

I can’t walk past homeless people without giving them food or water, unfortunately when I am out with some people they grab me by the arm and move me away from them because they know I am so generous.

I often do the gardening without shoes, which worries Paul a lot.

I have all sorts of weird holistic remedies for people I love, if they need it.  Got a stomach ache?  I have a crystal for that you should hold.  Got a headache?  Rub your head with the nearest pebble and throw it away.  That sort of thing; I eat flowers too, some are edible.

I garden organically and with nature’s aid, got a pest problem?  I will endeavour to encourage pest eaters to the garden!

I like fantasy, sci-fi, dystopian, comedy, animation, non-slash horror, martial art and mafia movies.  I am addicted to vampire movies, Pixar movies, DC and Marvel.

I like reading a lot and there are always around ten to fifteen books on my bedside cabinet!

I like doing oracle readings and tarot readings for people who are close to me.

I can’t drive a car or ride a bicycle, never learned.

I am terrified of horses but will go near them as I like them, but I am too scared to get within touching distance.

I am more of a dog person than a cat person.  I love cats too, though, but I do tend to get sinus problems around them if I am with them too much, same with pug specific dog hair, but I love all animals so I think its worth the suffering!

I don’t know why it’s just pugs, but there you go.

I have an excellent strong sense of smell, which makes me really sensitive to all kinds of odours and I have a strong gag reflex!

I have quite a prominent mustard allergy unfortunately, it makes my spleen swell! I also have issues with eating soy occasionally.

My biggest food problem (as in the foods I love too much) are cream and dairy anything, lamb, kebabs, southern fried chicken, Indian and Chinese food.  I mostly have a Mediterrean mixed Asian diet though.

I have five different personalities that come out from time to time, a masculine me, a kawaii/Lolita loving me, a gothic me, mother of the world me and a jock me. 

I do love sports, despite being fat and unfit.  I’ve been housebound for eight years!

I love watching sports, but I love doing them too.  A major part of my depression has been what I describe as physical boredom.  I love to move my body, but I am not motivated when I live with or am around lazy sedentary people. 

Unfortunately, although Paul walks everywhere, he loves to be immobile most of the time and me being a water dog, I flow with those around me.  So if people are stagnant around me, I stagnate too.

I really do become the energy of the people around me the most.

Before my illness, I loved Tae-bo, netball, Frisbee, swing ball, belly dancing, skipping, rowing machine, power walking, hurdling, swimming, lots of sports.  There is a sport in the UK called rounder’s which is like baseball really, I love that at picnics.

On TV I like to watch gymnastics, rugby, wrestling, horse racing, dog sports and other things.

I am a positive person really, I always see the good in most things, and I have a Pollyanna type problem lol.

When people first get to know me I am very open and honest immediately with little or no reservations after the first few meets, but tend to allow others to lead conversations bore I get comfortable with them.  It puts some people off, making them think I am trying to put them off, but I am not.  I just like to let people know where I stand and set boundaries immediately.  I don’t mean to come across defensive with things like “so why did you want to contact me then”? 

If they happen to start to talk to me online for an example.

I am over excited when people are nice to me too, as it’s a novelty.  Stupid as it sounds.  It takes a lot to bite my tongue about things so I don’t sound weird, but often I just want to blurt out to kind people things like this… “omg you are so sweet, I love you for that”, but I hold back with an “oh wow, or that’s nice”.

My music tastes are jazz, rock and easy listening.  But I like opera and classical music too and weird modern classical like Nox Arcana, I suppose that’s the best way to describe it?  Though saying that, it is dark fantasy or gothic instrumental.

I consider myself in having mostly Jewish ideas, though I am not Jewish.  My ancestors were but not me; my parents raised me to be Christian and Jehovah Witness.  I don’t hold with their beliefs.  I think of myself more of a Noahide/Ben Noach with a lot of spirituality with it, some pagan stuff and Buddhism and I love myth and folklore.  But I do believe in just one god, all other gods from pagan beliefs etc I think were just spirits perhaps angels that got misunderstood or whatnot.

I don’t believe Hell is for humans, I don’t believe in being god fearing, because fear comes from the devil, love comes from god.

My personal addictions are perfume, sparkly things (but I don’t like wearing jewellery casually or wearing makeup) formally though make up and jewellery is essential.  I have a caffeine problem I am overcoming.  I love fleece and faux fur (fake fur) and cotton. 

I love cushion forts and can easily get addicted to video games, I have a huge gaming past and I am trying to curb it these days. Doing well with that actually!

I love war games, Rome Total War and real strategy games.  I am a master of ancient warfare; I was 5th in the world leader board for the original Rome Total war twenty years ago, for being one of the best generals in the world. 

For a woman I have a lot of weird hobbies and knowledge.

I know how to change a fuse and build a wall and change the water in the car, weird things like that.

My experience of being passed around different relatives as a child, meant I experienced lots of different family lives and I learned that the bigger the family the calmer the environment and easier it is to actually feed them all.  Sounds counterproductive, but it works!  Really less than three children is hard work!  More than five kids is easier!  I know it sounds nuts, but its quieter, because they keep each other amused and there is less sibling rivalry.

Henry is extremely demanding and hard work as he constantly needs attention as an only child. I warned Paul about this, but he didn’t want to risk me getting sicker by having more children.   I can’t force Paul to get me pregnant, so I didn’t have anymore.  He knows I resent this, because he hasn’t respected my choice with my body.  But the thing is, he does want more children.  The other thing is, we are in an open polyamorous relationship, where he is going to be getting another woman pregnant someday and I am sitting there not having another baby.  Which is hard to digest!

I have struggled to have any kind of life outside of everything I have said in all the above paragraphs, because I have been controlled by other people all my life and I have put myself aside for them. I am also trying to boost my confidence to get a life, because I am scared.

I don’t know how to react and socialise in a normal acceptable kind of way. I am ugly and so even when I fake confidence, people call me pretentious and all sorts of horrid names.

The amounts of time I have thought about suicide, just so I can have a fresh start.

I have heard I am getting popular, Paul has told me certain people have told him things. Whether its true or not I don’t know, it could just be his attempt to boost my confidence, but if its true – it’s terrifying me the kinds of attention I am getting.

Why are they so interested in me in a nice way?

I am not that talented, I am just weird, nervous, I live in the clouds and I am ugly, I am fat and honestly… if they showed up I’d hide. I’d probably swear out loud, run away and vomit in a corner somewhere because of the attention. I’m a mess. Or sometimes, as I have been known to do this instead when I am a little more brave, is become too friendly if you get me? Almost desperate like.

I am fascinated and confused by the attention Paul claims I am stirring up in some people. You know I don’t get it, but Paul is getting fan mail. Fan mail? Really?

I haven’t done anything yet!

Nothing significant, this blog is nice, but its underworked and certainly not what I call my best work!

So what’s the big deal?

I don’t get it.

I love you for being interested in me, but I don’t get it.

There is a handful of people, not just one or two and I don’t get it.

I think though, I might not get it, even if I am a bestselling author someday.

I think, it’s all dream and nothing has happened yet!

People contact Paul more than me – I invite you to talk to me directly, either on twitter DM or my email at TheTardyCreative@gmail.com Paul is tired of the questions and the cryptic stuff. I am more than happy to talk in depth with you all.

I can’t think about what else to say about me.  Other than I am so confused. I have been writing this for nearly two hours now and it is 5k long, so I am posting this as a mini book of insight to my personality.  I don’t think it’s full and comprehensive, but it will have to do for now, because my fingers are icy cold and going stiff.

But all I want is love, a few more children, a lot of pets, good food, friends, to be creative and have a lovely forest garden and some health and fitness, is that too much to ask for?

I feel like deleting this and wasting those two hours, but Paul won’t let me.

Happy reading!

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What do I do?

What do I like to do when I am not writing or doing art?  Strange to say, that creativity is such a big part of my life it is actually really hard for me not to be in creative mode in one way or another.

Outside of actually physically writing, I do think about things to write almost on a constant basis I am a chronic daydreamer!  I can’t hold conversations very much travelling in a car because I zone out to daydream and for me, it’s just as well because it is my coping mechanism for car travel sickness – hence why, I have never learned to drive.  I am actually going to try next summer to have my first ever driving lesson, but I don’t think I’ll have more than three before deciding that driving isn’t for me!

I like to talk about sceneries when travelling on trains, I love trains, but again I daydream a lot on trains.  Unless the conversation isn’t specifically towards the scenery I tend to zone out on people.

It’s easy for me to zone out completely and sometimes it takes a person shaking me by the shoulders to come back to reality again!

But outside of this one big daydream of mine, what do I do?

I like tending to the garden, but I am never without my creative quirks there either as I imagine faeries or trolls peeping out at me from behind bushes and dark corners and so forth.  Whenever I garden, I garden with nature and unseen forces in mind; I have to have fruits, herbs and vegetables every few feet, because it helps the fair folk, animals and birds.  It’s either my active imagination or my witchy roots and shamanic past that allows me to see things that others say aren’t there.  I have never decided which is true…

But whatever I grow in the garden to eat, I always ensure that at least a quarter of what I grow is never harvest as because I don’t want to be seen as greedy and because I feel that you should leave things for nature, to go to seed or for the fair folk.  Did you know in actual fact that ancient humans used to always farm and garden like this until humans developed more of the greed gene? 

I am not a tidy gardener, I am a cut and drop type and I have the healthiest soil for miles around because of it; I know that some diseases and weeds should not be cut and dropped and I am wise to those things and they go either in a bucket of water to rot down or they go into a bonfire at the end of the month.  I have a special area for the bad stuff.

I grow with companion planting in mind and bio warfare – I am completely 100% organic and chemical free, what I do is I learn about nature and what feeds on what and I try to mimic the natural balance in my garden by trying to encourage pest killers into a problematic area.  If I grow nasturtiums the nasturtiums tend to encourage caterpillars and they generally leave my cabbages and other things alone, if I have an influx of aphids on my peas I grow sweet peas that are inedible nearby and umbellifers such as dill, fennel and yarrow to attract ladybirds and lacewings which eat aphids, as well as calendulas… no calendulas don’t eat aphids, they attract the things that do!

I am loved by frogs and toads and it used to freak my mother out every summer about how they’d hop or crawl after me if I was near the pond, because I had nurtured them since tadpoles and they became tame enough to be touched (make sure your hands are wet before you touch them as your skin can burn theirs).

I try to ensure a lot of mini ponds around the garden or makeshift ponds in the forms of buckets and ponds half inserted into the ground for them, because they kill slugs and snails and also we have a family of five hedgehogs in our garden most of the time, we’re quite lucky because our garden is small really – but we have so much life here!

My back garden is only 30ft wide and 50ft long, my front garden is 20ft wide and 20ft long, so it really is quite small for what it gives us!  We get a lot of food out of it and there is plenty of nature here – we always get comments from people in our neighbourhood about how we’ve bewitched wildlife and stolen it from their gardens because they don’t get all the bees and butterflies we have and they’ve never seen hedgehogs or woodpeckers in their gardens!  I just simply smile, shrug and say – plant more, get rid of your horrendous decking and fake plastic lawn and grow wildflowers, and then they’ll come to you.  Most snobbily sneer at the idea and look disgusted at my suggestion, but there has been one or two who have listened and nature is spreading, as it does and as it wants to and as it should!

When not gardening, I am bonding with animals, either in the form of pets or those in my garden; I am known to be quite mad by some neighbours because I click at magpies to call them down from the trees and some eat out of my hand and give me presents of egg shell and the prettiest stones they can find!

My magpies are my biggest influence in my writing, they are the main characters of a particular book series I am writing and they are based entirely on magpies I have befriended in reality.

I know it sounds nuts, but my life has been saved by a crow I cared for when it got heat stroke, this crow has long since died, but its family remember me and watches out for me.  I am profoundly deaf with inner ear auto-immune disease, which means a lot of the time because of ear infections I can’t wear my hearing aids at all, so I become completely deaf regularly – but one day I didn’t hear a car coming after I thought the coast was clear, it was one of those young teenage drivers who were racing down the long road and they nearly ran me down, but my crow, the one I saved earlier that year swooped down knocking me off balance just as the car nearly hit me, making me fall out of the way of the hit!

This crow and its family gets upset if they don’t see me for more than three days at a time and will shout their caws loudly and fly around the house until I either open the window so they can see me or go outside for a few minutes just to let them know I am OK – Paul is fascinated by this, but to me it’s normal!  They quieten down once they see me!

See it’s hard to have a “normal life” when I live the life I do.  My life is certainly not normal for everyone out there (points to the world) but it is normal for our ancestors and tribal people.  I consider myself an ancient human trapped in modern times.

I find it hard to have a “normal life” and talk about “normal” things.  I think normal is very suggestible, different to everyone and it hurts me when people feel they have the right to judge someone like me!  Because, in reality, had humans maintained their tribal existence and had maintained living as nature intended, then based on that, my way of life would be considered normal and conservative… it would be strange, not to be like me!

Other than having my head in the clouds and playing with nature like some kind of Disney princess, I do like movies and I do like doing puzzles.  I love 1000 piece puzzles and have a big collection of them and I have a love for word games, scrabble and codebreakers, that sort of thing.

I love feeding people too, I love to cook and I am often accused of making people fat when they stay here for more than a week!  Most people have to go on diets after visiting me, because they grow an addiction to my food!

I make as much as possible from scratch, including various jams, chutneys and sauces.  I am not scared of making pastry and I often cook too much deliberately, just to freeze them for later.  That’s how a home cook can manage their life better, cook and freeze – it’s safe, probably a lot safer than bought produce.

It’s funny but I get comments from people about how unsafe it is to put my lasagne in the freezer if nobody eats it all, but then they go out and buy microwavable frozen lasagne meals… the irony is both sad and laughable.

I find it hard to make friends with regular people; it’s easy for me to make friends with witches and creative people though.  Unfortunately I live in an area that is famed for its culture, but most of the people who live around me are science based workers, unemployed or in catering.  For the creative folk I have to be in the centre of town or a village five miles south from here, that’s where the creative folk are.

Paul is a scientist, he is a little bit creative because he used to be a photographer and he did once become a lecturer for art history in a university; but he is really a doctor of geology and that’s what he has been most of his life.  So he fits in here in our village, because a lot of people who live around us are doctors or nurses.

But he admits, though he loves some of my work he doesn’t love it all and it is hard for him to be enthusiastic in partaking an active role in being creative with me and brainstorming with me or even encouraging me beyond his scientific “get on with it” kind of way.  He is rather picky about what he likes and what he doesn’t like.

It is hard for me, because I am the type of writer that when she writes her stuff for the day she wants to share it with the person she is living with, immediately, because I am a person who likes to brainstorm with others – I like to talk about what I have done, because I am emotionally shallow and needy.    I am easily knocked off my perch if I think someone is disinterested, this is the hardest thing about me being a writer, since moving in with Paul.

My mother on the other hand was very good at feigning interest to buck a person’s creative confidence up, but Paul doesn’t like to even pretend and I appreciate him for that – but it is also frustrating for me.

So, what do I do outside of writing?  Basically play with animals, do puzzles, gardening, fatten people up and just generally connect to my inner being and nature.  I think that’s entirely me… I do love music, I love art, I love practising on my various musical instruments, but when I do that – I tend to go back into creative play again, then write songs and compose music!

So that’s me!  A creative child of nature; surrounded by a multitude of other species; that is spiritually connected to her little world and loves to entertain people with food, story and poetry.

Hope you enjoyed an insight to my weird little life!

Thanks for reading! 

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